{Chloe}
There are no words to describe how utterly and completely terrified I am in this very moment. It's almost as if I’m stuck here in his bed, too shocked in these minuscule seconds to even attempt at doing something logical; something logical like trying to hide somewhere perhaps?
But my head is so clouded over, hazy with this sudden fear, guilt, and shock that I barely comprehend the gentle tapping I can hear coming from his door. Shit. The door! How the hell could we have been so stupid as to not lock th…
A gasp suddenly leaves the mouth of our unexpected visitor as their head inevitably and cautiously peeks inside the quiet room. Instinctively, I tighten the gray sheet that's providing in covering my naked flesh, my troubled eyes suddenly colliding into an intense set of brown ones. For my entire life, I have always been told that the truth always has a way of coming out--and for my entire life, I have always been a firm believer in this little fact of nature. And I mean, God--somewhere--somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew our time would come, too. I knew we couldn't go on like this forever; sneaking behind everyone's back, hooking up despite our promises to Chris that we wouldn’t...
I realized this. I did. I realized in the back of my mind that Justin and I were going to get caught someday and still I...
The surprise is blatantly apparent in the shaky voice that interrupts my jumbled thoughts, uttering, "I'm--I'm—wow--”
The door suddenly slams shut, so harshly that my already erratically beating heart picks up another few painful beats. My slightly watery eyes quickly glance down, only confirming that Justin still remains totally unaffected by this situation. He's still very much into his deep sleep. And somehow, I really wish that he was awake. Awake to help me figure out what to do at this point because I just don't fucking know what to do. I honestly don’t.
No, no! I don't have time to wake him up right now though. No time to explain what just happened to him.
Not yet anyways…not before I stop her.
****
After throwing on whatever items I first spotted off of Justin's floor to cover myself up, then frantically searching the kitchen and living room with no luck, it’s almost a miracle to find that she's still here. I say a silent thank you to the heavens above as I cautiously walk inside Chris' room. It looks like she's packing an overnight bag for him, but I’m not exactly sure of anything at this point.
It takes me a moment to find my voice, but eventually I gather the strength up and start to speak. "Marissa, I--"
Her cold eyes quickly shoot up from the black bag she was stuffing with clothes before I joined her. "I'm not so sure that this is a good time to talk to me, Chloe."
I bite my lip and step back a little at the utter harshness that laces her voice. Marissa has never spoken to me like this before; we've always gotten along brilliantly, and there's never been a time when she was angry with me.
Until now. And because of this, I don't know what to do, how I should handle this situation exactly. But I know I have to at least try. "Please, Marissa, just let me explain what you saw in there before you..."
"Tell Chris?" she finishes off for me, scathingly.
I was going to say leave.
Nonetheless, her version hits me with great force. My throat tightens as I ring my hands together in agony. I deserve this; I know I do, but it still doesn't make this moment feel any less torturous than it already is. "Marissa, please," I start to beg her. "Please don't do that," I whisper. "At least let me--us--be the ones to tell him. Please."
She stares at me for a second, her face softening just a bit at my words. She's still extremely mad, but I think I've at least convinced her to talk this out with me for a few minutes. Taking a seat onto the bed, Marissa lets out a loud sigh and points in my direction. "Sit down."
The bed shifts slightly downwards due to my weight as I take a seat beside her in pure shame. In fact, I’m so ashamed that I can't even bring myself to look into her eyes. With my shoulders slumped, I stare into my lap and pray that she will start the conversation we’re about to have. I honestly don't even know what I'm going to say. I really don't. What can I say that will ever make things alright again?
"I'm assuming it's safe to say that what I just saw in there…was exactly what it looked like."
I have no right to feel like breaking down into tears, but I do right now. I really do. Desperately trying to hold my emotions inside, I do all that I can manage at the moment and meekly nod in agreement with her statement.
Another loud sigh escapes her mouth, an incredulous, disappointed giggle falling from her lips next. There's a brief silence before she begins to speak again. "You know what, Chloe? Chris adores you. He adores Justin," she starts, knowledgably. "And I remember when I first met him; I had wondered how he could be so close with two people that were a few years younger than us. I wondered why he had taken you guys in as roommates, when he obviously didn't need the money to support himself. But you know what? I quickly realized why," she continues. "He considers you two family. Family, Chloe."
Despite how hard I've been trying to hold them in, two defiant tears slowly trickle down my cheeks as I listen to her speech.
"He thinks of you two as the two younger siblings he never had, do you realize that?" she demands.
"Marissa, I know he does," I whimper, my voice cracking with anguish. "I know..."
"And do you know how much he used to hate it when you and Justin couldn't even manage to get along with each other?" she asks me, pausing only a moment before continuing, "Well, I'll go ahead and fill you in. He hated it. Couldn't stand it sometimes. But he dealt with it. And then, all of the sudden, one night he tells me he catches you two kissing. I didn't believe him at first, truthfully. But after I saw how upset he was about it, after he told me why he was worried about you two messing around, I understood."
"I know, I understand wher--"
"No you don't!" Marissa cries, boldly cutting me off. "You don't understand because obviously you didn't give a shit about him when you decided to go behind his back and keep this from him!" she exclaims, loudly.
I can't even see clearly any longer. My tears of guilt and remorse are now at a constant flow. "I'm so sorry," I say, at last. "I never meant for it to end up hurting him..."
"Well, it's going to," Marissa interrupts me, matter-of-factly. "And how do you think I feel now? I don't keep things from Chris; we're one hundred percent honest with each other, Chloe. You can't just expect me to keep this from him like you two have chosen to do."
"I don't!" I immediately cry, dejectedly. "If you'll just allow us to tell him, maybe it will..." I trail off, weakly.
Maybe it will what?
I don’t know.
"Soften the blow?" she whispers, finally. "Well, I hope so. I really do.”
My eyes quickly slide up her jeans, her white t shirt, and finally to her round face. I look at her in surprise. Does that mean she's going to at least let us be the ones to--?
She nods her head, as if she knows what I’m wondering. “If you promise to tell him, I’ll give you my word and keep it to myself. You know that I love you, Chloe. This doesn't change that, but I'm still really hurting for my boyfriend. When he's upset, I'm upset, and when he's hurting, I’m hurting."
I nod sadly. She makes complete and total sense. And I'm lucky she doesn't abhor me because she really has every right to hate my guts right now. She's a loyal person--and Chris--he's the most loyal, giving guy anyone could ever meet. He didn't deserve to be lied to, didn't deserve to be kept in the dark about us, and didn’t deserve us to betray his trust like we have. "I'm so scared to tell him, Marissa. I just, I don't know how I let myself..." I trail off after a while of silence.
"Do you love him?" she asks me.
"Of course I love him! He's my best friend. I..."
Her hand swiftly reaches out and covers my own trembling one. "I meant Justin.”
“Oh.”
“I mean, are you two serious? Are you in love with each other? What are you two doing together? Because you do know that whatever the answers to these questions may be, they are going to effect what happens between you guys in a huge way. Maybe even the way Chris feels about the whole situation.”
"Marissa," I say her name, shakily. "I don't...I really, truly don't know any of the answers to those questions."
And that's the honest truth.
****
{Justin}
I can feel the vein bulging in my forehead as I listen to her finish explaining everything that just happened tonight. Jesus Christ, this wasn't supposed to happen. It's all a fucking nightmare, and I really just wish I could go back to sleep right now and make it all go away; pretend like it isn’t really happening to us. Yeah. That would be good. And maybe I would never wake up again…
Her tear stained face does little to lighten my dark mood. "So how long do we have to tell him?" I ask her, reluctantly.
Chloe shrugs her shoulders at me. Solemnly, she answers, "He's staying at her place tonight. So um, I guess--I guess when he gets home tomorrow."
I reach my arm out and wrap it around her shoulders when her eyes grow teary looking again. Scooting closer to her on the couch, I twist my mouth to the side before saying, "Don't cry, Chloe. Everything's gonna be fine," I assure, softly. I wish I really believed that myself. I don't want her to worry herself into a state of misery though. I'm just as afraid to tell Chris as she is...just as afraid that he'll never speak to me again, but I can't let her know this right now. And I can't bear to watch this—to watch her cry. "Please...don't cry," I plead with her once more.
Burying her face into her hands, she does little to calm my nerves as she immediately starts to sob against my side. "I can't help it," she mumbles to me between her cries, “I'm such a horrible per-person!"
Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, I lean over and kiss her temple. I gently squeeze her shoulders. In my best ‘comforting voice’, I say, "You're not a horrible person, Chloe. We just--we made a mistake. Everybody makes them..."
She suddenly jumps away from me--so quickly that my eyes widen in shock. She scoots further and further away from me on the couch, adamantly shaking her head in disagreement as she does so. "You don't even know me!" she loudly snaps, out of nowhere. "You don't know what you're talking about, okay Justin!"
I lean back at her frantic voice, holding my hands up in surrender, "Okay...okay...I don’t. I'm sorry!"
Chloe angrily wipes at her cheeks, looking so upset that it almost breaks my heart to watch her like this. "Stop doing this to me," she cries, pitifully.
My eyebrows immediately furrow in confusion. I really wasn't expecting this from her. Fuck, I wasn't expecting any of this, but I still don't know how to react to her behavior right now. Quite frankly, I don't understand why the fuck she's taking it all out on me. I'm not the only one who got us into this situation. It takes two to tango, isn't that the cliché?
"Doing what to you?" I snap, as well. "I haven’t done shit to you! I'm not doing anything!" I yell, pointedly.
She looks up at me and shakes her head. Her brown eyes are all watery with fresh tears, her entire demeanor that of defeat. "It wasn't supposed to be like this, Justin,” she softly says, at last.
A pang of guilt suddenly washes over me at her sullen statement. I didn’t mean to lose my temper with her just now, especially not when she’s like this. Cautiously scooting closer to her again, I reach the neckline of my t-shirt out as an offering. Chloe sniffles and accepts my shirt as her tissue. She wipes the shirt just below her eyes, her salty tears instantly soaking into the gray material, dampening it with all traces of her current sorrow. "Listen,” I start, gently, “We're gonna talk to him and he'll...he'll forgive us, okay? Everything is going to be fine. It really will be, Chloe. Just fine…"
"What are we going to say?" she whispers, desperately. "I mean, what..."
My heart twists at her words, as her sentence trails off into nothing. "I don't know,” I admit. “I guess that depends.”
"Depends on what?" Chloe asks me, confusedly.
I can feel my palms growing sweaty, the butterflies forming in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I can barely breathe. She's right; it wasn't supposed to be like this. But it's now or never, and if I don't bring this up now, I'm afraid she never will either. My hand shakily reaches out grab hers, as I swallow the lump in my throat. I look into her eyes. "Depending on how you feel..." I begin, nervously. “How you feel about...about me that is.”
Chloe's chin slightly trembles at my explanation, and I can tell she's just as scared as I am right now, if not more. "Don't make me do this, Justin. Please don't make me," she pleads, the desperation in her voice surprising me out of my mind.
Why doesn’t she want to do this? Is she really that scared? Or does she really just feel nothing for me? I mean, she’s scaring me. Really scaring me here. She doesn't know how hard this is for me to do. How hard it is to open up again. I force myself to continue, anyways. "C'mon Chloe, just be honest with me," I coax her, smoothly. "I'll be honest if you will.”
I squeeze her hand and take a deep breath when she doesn’t answer me. "I'll--I'll go first then." She still doesn't answer me. I have to use all the strength and courage I can muster inside as I anxiously continue on, "Look, I…I....want us to be together."
It does very little for my self-esteem and my hopes for a happy ending here when she suddenly turns her eyes away from me, hiding from my words. I don't let it stop me though. I can’t. So I continue to speak as I now stare at her cheek while I’m talking. "And I know…that's crazy maybe. I know nobody wants that. I know you have Alex. I know that I've mistreated you for such a long, long time...and I know you deserve someone much better than me....”
I sigh, thinking my next words over for a second. “But it's just...I really want to change that, Chloe. And I don't even know why exactly. I mean, at first, I'll admit I used to hate you."
I can't stand watching her looking away from me anymore if I'm going to continue with this so I quickly pull my hand out of hers and slide to my own side of the couch. Looking at the wall, anywhere but at her, I go on to confess, "But I realize now.... it was only because...because I knew I couldn't have you,” I admit, quietly. “ You were the only person I couldn't get to like me with the snap of my fingers--the only one I couldn't win over, and that drove me crazy about you."
"Justin..." she begins.
"Please, just let me finish," I say, hastily. I mean, it's too late to turn back now…it's too late. "So the more and more that I tried to get you to like me and you didn't, well it just made me want you that much more.”
“Justin, please…”
“No wait,” I insist, interrupting her from interrupting me. “Now that I actually know you and see that you really are as perfect as I thought, I know I could never hate you again...and that's why I think... I think you're the only thing in this world that is worth changing for, Chloe,” I choke out, weakly. “I don't even know how you did it, but you've made me want to be a better person somehow…”
I think I might of stunned her into silence, as she hasn’t tried to stop me this time. Thankful and ready to get this whole confession over with, I take one last deep breath, turning my head towards her again. I was too scared to look before, but I really wanna see her face when I say this to her. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I think I'm in lo--"
Chloe hurriedly holds up her hand and blurts out that interruption I was waiting for before. "Please…no! Don’t say it!” she begs me. “I'm sorry, Justin. I'm so sorry," she says, shaking her head.
I watch in amazement, as she quickly jumps off the couch. For a brief moment, she looks down at me in remorse. "I just...I can't do this right now…ever. We can't...”
I bite my lip, my heart dropping into my stomach at her words. No, she isn’t supposed to be saying this to me. She isn’t supposed to be doing this. Chris isn’t supposed to know. Chloe is supposed to love me back. She’s supposed to love me back…
“…and I don't think we should be together.” I barely catch the rest of her sentence, as she continues to destroy my happiness with each word she speaks to me, “I’m really so, so sorry for doing this to you Justin. But I just," her voice cracks, as she sadly finishes, “I just can't be the girl you want me to be. I'm not--if you knew the truth about me-- you wouldn't be saying all this."
I hastily open my mouth to protest, trying my best to ignore the deep sting of rejection that is harboring within me right now. It's as though this has been the month from hell and it's never going to get any better, never going to end. She was my only hope--and now--
"I'm sorry,” Chloe repeats. “I really am. I'm gonna go stay at a friend's tonight. I just need to be alone--and--and I'll be back tomorrow so we can talk to Chris, okay?"
I can feel my own chin trembling now. Of course I'm not gonna fucking cry. I'm not gonna cry over her. I'm not…
But it feels like a knife has been stabbed into my heart and is slowly twisting away at my insides, as I watch her turn around and hurriedly run out of the room. The pain I'm feeling at this moment is exactly why I never wanted to fall in love again.
My god.
I think I need to throw up…
Elise's voice suddenly pops into my head. Karma’s a bitch, sweetheart. I hear the front door slam shut. My breathing picks up as I look around the empty apartment in misery. It's over; I have no one now. And once again, I'm left all alone. Karma is a bitch. Karma is a bitch. Karma. Is. A. Fucking. Bitch. I grip my head in agony, willing the painful words to stop replaying in my mind. Karma's a bitch, Justin.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I've lost my best friend--no, I'm going to lose my best friend tomorrow. And for what exactly? All for a stupid fucking bet that only ended up earning me one thing; my unrequited love.
Yeah...it wasn't supposed to be like this.
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