{Justin}
Pulling my reading glasses off for a moment, I rub at my blurry eyes. I rapidly blink them, avoiding a further gaze at the glossy pages of the magazine I'm skimming through right now.
Shit.
What am I thinking here? Really---just what am I doing here?
I'm wasting time, that's what I'm doing!
For God's sake, I'm blinking my eyes; and I'm blinking them when I know in the back of my mind, that clearly, I'm far from even close to making this into something that, even slightly, could resemble a somewhat decent, finished product. And who knows when she's going to get home and interrupt all of this, turning my plan into yet, just another disastrous attempt of me trying to impress Chloe with a kind gesture on my part. Yes, you're exactly right folks; I say this, as I'm referring to that dreadful day, back when I took a shot at shocking her, as I had stayed home and prepared her a surprise dinner of shrimp fettuccini. And in case you've forgotten about all this, I'll also go ahead and kindly remind you of the fact that my once sweet idea of a romantic dinner for her, quickly shot to hell that day, as it ultimately ended in disastrous ways instead of the preferred amorous ways I had originally been shooting for.
Furthermore, on the off chance that you do remember this day as clearly as I do, I guess it's safe to say that you also recall what happened to destroy the evening. (You know, the part where I was left only to find out that utter nuisances like Darnell, Trace, and shall I just call the rest of them all 'the whole gang,' were coming over to ruin everything? Oh and yeah, the part where I realized that even if it weren't for them crashing in on the dinner, other problems would have went down instead; still managing to end the night in the same ole' shitty, disastrous way that it did anyways?) For example, other things-- like me practically and unknowingly torturing Chloe, as she was forced to swallow down a dish that consisted of shrimp, which come to find out, the girl freakin' loathes...
Honestly, it's bringing me down to even think about it again.
Letting a somewhat drained (yet still determined) sigh escape passed my lips, I quickly push my glasses back on and flip to the next page in her magazine...
Yeah, I know--you don't have to spell it out for me--I'm not making much sense right now, and you're wondering exactly what the hell it is that I'm doing? And what I'm rambling on and on about, more importantly? Well, in a quick and hopefully sufficient enough summary for you, I'll go right on ahead and try my best to explain things to you even a little better...So yeah, here's the deal:
Basically, a few hours have passed since I left you all, suffering through my sad and tortured tale of that real, living, breathing, and pathetic ass moment I just had in my life. The moment that most likely, could have easily appeared on one of those lame-teenybopper-high-school-shows that they always play on the WB channel. And of course, said moment in my life also could have easily inspired itself into an episode on one of these said 'lame-ass-drama-TV shows'. And in such cases, it would have had to have just an equally, if not more so, lame episode summary to go right along with it...
You know, it'd probably go a little something like this: "Justin sits on his bed, sulking in the dark and just being an all around loser for a while. Temporarily in a state of pure insanity, he listens to sad Usher songs, troubled with darkness and melancholy. Why, you wonder? Maybe because he's madly in love with Chloe (a.k.a. the girl in the show that he's in a relationship with at the moment). And oh yeah, maybe simply because that relationship is no longer, as Ms. Chloe has just dumped his sorry, pathetic ass in this episode--with not even so much as a second thought on her part, mind you. Finally, you will watch, as Justin is left to ponder, what happens next?"
Okay okay-- a tad dramatic of a description on my part, but you get the point, right? I mean, you're still following me, yes? I sure hope so; and with faith that you are, at last, I'll go ahead and conclude this somewhat ridiculously jumbled summary of recent events in my life. So here it is, where finally, I bring you an explanation as to why I even started this trip down memory lane in the first place; to explain to you just why I'm sitting here at the table, blinking my eyes as I flip through one of Chloe's old magazines, of course.
You see--after overcoming that temporary breakdown of mine I just told you all about--well, I guess you could say that I just magically got over it all of the sudden, or something. I don't quite know how to explain it to you, but let's just say some source of inspiration struck down on me much like lightening would. So I quickly moved onto bigger and better things, excluding the act of me lying around in shambles all night, of course. (Translation: rather than laying on my fat ass and feeling sorry for myself just because I think I've finally lost Chloe for good, I'm working my ass off to make her this scrap book of happier times until she finally gets home from work.) I just pray that it gets done by the time that she gets back here, in complete hopes that by doing this for her, it will somehow manage to show her how wrong she is about us not belonging together. Because we don't belong together, and I need to change her mind about dumping me and ending this very good thing that we have going on with each other.
Ahem. Once again, I'm wasting time here, aren't I? Yeah, yeah....you're right again. I better get back to work and stop with all this reminiscing nonsense, huh?
Exactly. You're damn right I should...
'Cause damn it, I don't know how much longer I have till she gets back. And damn it, God forbid this doesn't work like I want it to; I just really might find that my life has turned into one of pathetic, mess of a drama series. A drama series at the point in which the characters lives' are all royally fucked up and completely unlivable, that is.
****
{Chloe}
I quietly walk inside the apartment, shutting the door behind me with a soft click. This is the moment I've been dreading ever since Justin left the coffeehouse. When I realized that I would eventually have to come home and face him after all of what was said between us; the moment where I'd probably have to talk it out with him again, even further making myself out to be some idiotic fool who's in love with someone who just doesn't seem to feel quite the same way.
Then again, I did most of the talking today, and I made the decision not to hear him out. I was the one to break up with him, so it's not like he's completely getting the upper hand here, right? At least I'm the one who called things off, and perhaps that is enough reason for me to have even just a glimpse of dignity about all of this.
God, I can't believe I actually broke up with him though. I'm so stupid; I love Justin. And what do I do? I break up with him.
I know--it doesn't make much sense to you, right? I'm sure you're thinking I'm stupid and crazy, wondering why on earth I could possibly think that we can't be together?
But honestly, I didn't know what else to do. Last night, after we had our fight, it was like I instantly woke up or something. I snapped out of my 'I'm so happy and in love with him" bubble at once, probably even before I had time to process the slamming of the front door, confirming that he really had just left me alone that night, after saying what he said to me. Those words he said--and how easily he said such hurtful things to me--well, like I said, it quickly burst my little love bubble, promptly replacing it with sadness and doubts instead. It brought me to this harsh landing of a realization that felt something like, 'Shit, maybe I'm a little more serious about this whole relationship than he is.'
I mean, I thought about it rationally, I really did. I was up almost all night, just thinking and thinking about it all. Something I've been doing a lot when it comes to our relationship, what it all means, and what I should do about it. And finally, I realized that, sure, Justin and I have shared some moments in time where he has said these things that completely and utterly floored me. These things that made me want to fall to the floor at his knees, in a pile of complete putty. But then I thought about it some more, and I started to wonder how important that really was in the grand scheme of things, anyways? I mean, Justin tells me he's in love with me a few times; Justin tells me he thinks I'm perfect; Justin tells me I make him want to be a better person; and Justin tells me I have small boobs, that I'm a boring, dull human being who doesn't know how to have fun if it came and kicked me up the ass.
Okay--so he don't use those exact words, and he said it in a bit of a blunter, less offensive way. My point is though, is that doesn't even matter, because who cares what exact words were used; what matters is that he said them. And for so long, I've been letting his words dictate my feelings, my thoughts. He thinks I'm perfect; and I feel happy. In not so many ways, he insinuates that I'm not good enough for him, and I let it painfully burn away at my heart. And honestly, for as long as I've known Justin, on some level, the things he's said to me have always had this uncanny way of affecting me in a huge way. Even when I hated him and shouldn't have given a rat's ass about what he had to say to me; somehow I always managed to let him get under my skin, whether is was by pissing me off or not.
So why do I this to myself? More importantly, why have I been doing this to myself for so long? And over just the things that he simply chooses to say to me? Because let's face it; no matter how good or bad something someone says can make you feel, in the end, it's just like they all say: "Talk is cheap."
It's so cheap...
Which makes me think, honestly, what has Justin really done to prove that he truly loves and cares about me?
Because I see myself ditching work to be with him. I see myself skipping class now and again, just so I can spend as much time with him as I can. I see myself doing his laundry, cleaning up after him, cooking him dinner just to make sure that he's taken care of. I see myself constantly having sex with him, even when for just once, I would like to spend a night where all we do is talk to each other. A night where we go out and have a real date with each other for once. A date that isn't from hell--and a date that doesn't turn into a double date from hell, where he ends up flirting with some blonde cow right before my eyes, most likely not even realizing he was even doing it in the first place.
I see myself doing all these things because I love him, and then I wonder is this really what love is supposed to be like? So much effort on my part, and then me feeling like it's so one-sided? And the hardest part about this is, is that I don't even know the answers to any of these questions. It seems like that's always the case with me; I have all these questions that need answers and no true way of ever finding them out.
For example, experience really gets me nowhere here. And without experience, how much can you really know about something? I can't decipher from the few serious relationships that I've ever been in my life what love is. Because I can honesty say that I've never been in a situation where I was in love with someone else who ended up really loving me back. Until Justin, that is. Or so I thought for a while there...
But how am I really supposed to know? To know that it's real? I've been fooled before, and I don't' want it to happen again. And if I don't feel sure in my heart about us, that what we have is real, then does that mean it's really not?
I mean, I know that he's done nice things for me before in the past. I'm not saying that he hasn't, by any means. He's definitely done more than talking at times, and he has done things that show me he cares. But we're supposed to be in love here, and like I've started to wonder a lot of things, I'm also curious at to why I can't help but want more right now? Because if the honest truth is that we're in love like we think, then why do I feel this way? Like it's not enough--that even though we're finally together, our relationship still isn't enough to live up to what I had hoped for it to be. Just like the rest of us, I've always had that fantasy in my head; that fantasy of what ideally, it's supposed to be like when you're in love with someone who loves you in return. Up until last night, I fooled myself into believing that I truly had that ideal fantasy with him. I really thought that what we had was going to be enough for me...but I just can't help but wonder now, that what if maybe I was wrong?
So that's why I broke up with him, okay?
Because maybe I wanted things to be different, but maybe the cruel fact of the matter is, is that Justin and I are too different to be together. Maybe Chris was right all along; we're just fooling ourselves, wasting our times with each other until the moment comes where we undoubtedly destroy what could have at least turned out to be a good friendship.
And maybe Justin has fooled himself into believing we're in love, too. Maybe it's not even intentional on his part. Maybe Justin truly does believe that he's in love with me. And maybe on some level, he really does want a serious relationship with me like he says; because I'm just not the type of girl that he's used to being with, and for some reason, this inspires him a little, intrigues him a little--fools him into thinking his feelings for me are love, when they're really not.
More than anything else, I just wish that what we had going right now was enough for me still. But the truth is, is that it's not anymore. I know now, that I want to be with someone who I can truly feel secure with. Someone that I don't feel like I have to change myself as a person just to be able to deserve having them; Justin wanted to change for me, but maybe I just can't change for him in return in the ways that he wants me to, so that's why we can't work.
I can't live like that, worrying about the next time we get into a fight and he goes off, accidentally showing me that deep down, it's just the opposite of what he's always said about us. That I'm not the one that's too good to be with him and needs to change because of that. And what's even scarier, is that maybe somewhere deep down in the same way he might be feeling this, I might feel it, too. After all, I'm the one who's been deceiving him for so long, pretending like we're something that we're really not, I guess. At first he was just a job to me and nothing more, and if he only knew this, he just might finally wake up and see that he's much too good for somehow like me. Which just goes to prove that I'm being selfish right now. Because maybe I want too much from him; especially when you consider how we wouldn't even be in a relationship if it weren't for my stupid fucking job with Elise right now, if you consider how deceitful I've been to him all along.
But it's just like it was when I first decided that I should be together with Justin; even when I knew how it would hurt other people, how in some ways, it would be totally wrong for us to be together. I couldn't help what I felt and wanted then though, and that's what made me disregard the small doubts lingering in my gut when I finally got with him. And in much the same way, I still can't help how I feel now, either. As selfish as it may be, I want to feel like being in love is just like I always dreamed it would feel like. Right now, it doesn't feel that way though; and that's why we can't be together anymore, because instead of ignoring these little doubts, I think I need to listen to what my gut is saying this time.
****
{Justin}
"Hey," she says, quietly.
I jump at the sound of her voice, pulling out the Coke I was getting from the fridge right now, looking up at her with a sullen expression on my face. She looks sad--sad and tired--and not happy like I always wish she could be. "Hey," I repeat, softly.
"I guess we should probably talk," Chloe says, staring at the kitchen floor as she watches it, looking as if she wished it would swallow her whole or something.
I clear my throat and glance over towards the table, my eyes landing on the closed black book that I've got waiting for me to show her. "Yeah, if you don't mind," I say, at last, my sentence sounding equally as awkward as hers just did.
I hate this awkward feeling between us right now. I hate feeling this scared. I hate feeling like I've failed her because I was too blind to see that I needed to make her realize how special she is to me. And I hate feeling like I'm about to lose her, and there's nothing I can do about it, because there's no way in hell my stupid book is going to be able to make up for lost time. I should have realized it sooner, but I was too stupid and content with the fact that I finally, actually had her after wanting that for so long...
Pushing everything out of my head at once, I carefully make my way over to the table, after I notice she's taken a seat in the midst of my thoughts. I walk over and sit across from her, staring at her, not knowing how I should handle all of this. Chloe's eyes bore into my own, penetrating me to my bones. I remember all those times we used to have staring contests with each other, how I never even once got the urge to look away. I could have stared at her forever back then, but right now, the sadness I see in her brown eyes just makes me want to break her gaze as fast as I can, and pretend that she doesn't look so....
"I'm sorry about ignoring you and everything today," Chloe finally says, at last. She stares at me as she speaks, her voice coming out shaky. "I was angry about our fight last night and I wasn't ready to forgive you yet," she admits. With a heavy sigh, she pauses, and then adds, "But I do forgive you now...."
Oh, thank you, God.
She's forgiven me--she's not going to end things between us.
She's going to give me another chance...
Her voice suddenly continues on, though. "... And I don't want you to think that I'm a horrible person and that I've been playing all these games with you, Justin. 'Cause I know it probably seems like I change my mind a lot, but the truth is, is that I think despite how bad I wanted this to work out between us, I'm just starting to realize that...well, it just... it really can't...."
I frown, my heart dropping into my stomach at once, twisting in agony with each word she speaks. Fuck. How did I mess this up so much? "Chloe, that's not true," I argue, as calmly as I can at the moment. I mean, I just don't understand it. I don't get what I did that was so wrong to have to cause this to be the end of us. I know I messed up last night, and I'm sorry for that, so why can't she just forgive me?
"How could you decide that we shouldn't be together, just because we had one fight?" I add, weakly. "I didn't mean what I said...and....I had the worst night without you there. I just wanted to come home, but you were asleep when--"
"It's not that," she snaps, frustrated. "It's just that I'm confused about us, okay?"
I close my mouth, watching her helplessly.
"And I'm not breaking up with you because we fought, J. I mean, how many times have I been in fights with you?" she points out. "It's not exactly new to us. I'm ending this because our fight made me realize that I don't think you feel the same way about me as I do you. And I honestly don't even know if we're right for reach other anymore. I mean, I feel like we're so different--on different pages in this relationship--and just simply different people, you know?"
I take a few deep, controlled breaths, trying my best to stay cool in this moment. I kind of figured this was going to be the problem when I came to my senses earlier, but it's still so frustrating to hear her say it and really look like she believes it as she does so. And even worse, it's not the truth. I can't understand how she could even think like this and be saying these things to me. Why am I always the one that has to be pushing us to be together, the one that wants to make an effort to change in order for us to have what we have?
My breathing is heavy, my hands gripping the notebook tightly now. For the first time, I lose my reign at never being the first to look away, as I just can't take it anymore. I bring my gaze up to the wall behind us. Chloe taps her fingers on the table, obviously uncomfortable, obviously waiting for me to say something.
I bite my lip. Hard...
"I still want us to be friends," she finally says the dreaded, cliché line that I just can't bear to hear right now.
Right away, I painfully blow the shocked air out my lungs, my eyes landing on her face again, pleading with her eyes that she takes it back. "You can't do this to us, Chlo. I can't just--" I say at once. My voice trails off, my throat burning with unshed tears. It's so pathetic. I can't cry--but it hurts. It hurts that she's going to just throw this away, and all because we're different. What the fuck does she want? That's what makes her interesting to me. That's part of the reason why we work. She helps me keep on track in my life. I help her forget about being perfect every once in a while, I help her have fun. At least I thought I did, but apparently I was wrong.....
She makes me want to do good in school and all that important stuff that I somehow just let myself pretend I didn't have to deal with, that I didn't have to do. She's smart and pretty. She makes me happy and she makes me laugh. She's different from every girl, and she thinks that's why we shouldn't be together, when all I can see is that's what makes me love her even more.
We're different in some ways, and she doesn't even realize just how much alike we are, either. I close my eyes and re-open them, pleading with her once more, "I can't just let you go, not if you don't realize how--"
My voice tails off again. I don't even know what to say anymore. And I really don't think anything I can say is going to change her mind. I wish I could say all these things that I'm thinking and it mean something to her, but I just know by looking into her eyes, that it just won't matter somehow. My arm involuntarily reaches out, holding out the notebook to her in our unsaid silence. "I can't...." I try again, weakly. Once again, I come to a halt as I speak. I'm lost as to what I should say...
Maybe nothing at all is the best that I can do right now.
She hesitantly grabs onto the notebook, accepting my offer. So at last, I stand up; ready to walk away from her this time. Chloe is always the one walking away from us when it comes to us being together, and for once, I think it's time that I be the one to do the leaving. If she ever really loved me like the way she said she did, then she'll be the one to come back, too.
****
{Chloe}
I open the book with a racing heart, my insides pounding with all of my scattered emotions. It felt horrible seeing that look on his face when I told him I was breaking up with him. Really, really horrible. Part of me wanted to just to take it all back as soon as I said it, as soon as he at least appeared like he was so crushed. I wanted to make to make it all better, I really did, but I couldn't. I just couldn't...
Even now, I shouldn't even be torturing myself like this, reading whatever it is that is in this book. Right? I mean, it's bad enough that I had to let him go, and now I'm going to sit here and read this, when everything in me is screaming in my head that it's not a good idea. Somehow, I just don't think that anything in this book can make matters any better at this point in time. And if luck goes against me like it's been known to in the past, then whatever is in here will only end up making me miss and want him more than I already do.
Despite these thoughts, I can't stop myself, as my eyes quickly start to scan the first page. I'm weak, what can I say? I notice that it's a letter. His writing was never the easiest to read, but somehow I manage, as I slowly begin to take in each word:
Dear Chloe,
I figured that if I could find pictures that simply reminded me of you and why I loved you so much, and just by flipping through some stupid magazines and visiting a few web pages, then maybe you could see just how much you really mean to me. How much I love you, and in so many different ways, you probably don't even realize it...I know I'm not the best at showing you that sometimes, and I don't even exactly know how, but somewhere along the lines you've become someone who is so special to me. It's funny, because, when I first met you, it only took a week for me to decide that I hated you, and when I first got to finally see the real you, it only took me a second to fall in love with you. And I know that if I've screwed this up with you to the point where you can't forgive me, that it will take me forever to get over you.
You honestly mean the world to me, Chloe.
I love everything about you, every part of you, and I wouldn't change this last year for anything...
P.S. When you're done with the pictures, please try to remember that I can't exactly say I can write poetry. So just don't laugh too much, okay?
I wipe a tear from my eye, flipping to the next page of the notebook in anticipation. A little giggle involuntarily erupts from my throat, as I look at the pictures he's pasted besides each other onto this first page. One of them looks like he printed it offline; and it's a photo of the ugly villain herself--yup, you guessed it--Miss Cruella freakin' de Ville. His writing labels it as, "The Evil Chloe." I roll my eyes, remembering all the times he used to sing that dammed song to me. It's seems so long ago, but I guess it really wasn't. We've come along way, that's for sure. I notice the picture beside it next, realizing that it's none other than a picture of a delicious looking, pink frosted covered cupcake with sprinkles on top. "The Sweet Chloe," is how he labeled this one...
I laugh. He blows my mind sometimes.
I flip the page again, tilting my head to the side and staring at the new set of pics with intrigue. He cut specific letters which spell out, "Vivian Green," and placed them at the top of the page. Further down, there's a picture of 50 cent performing at some concert, throngs of people in the crowd. I laugh again, wondering how on earth Justin ended up thinking he could put Vivian Green and just pretend that she somehow reincarnated into the rapper 50 cent...
"I couldn't find a pic of Viv. Who would have thought that 50 was easier to find? Anyways, it just reminded me of our first date. I know we got into a fight at the end of the night, but hey, it was fun up until then, right?"
Well, I wouldn't exactly describe it was mind blowing fun, but I guess the whole situation is kind of funny looking back on it all. We couldn't even stand each other back then....
The next page has a picture of a bowl of shrimp. I immediately scrunch up my nose, imagining the nasty taste that it would leave in my mouth if I were to be eating it right now. I read his little note next...
"Note to self: Chloe hates shrimp. And I spent a lot of energy on that dinner; I'll have you know...."
I smile to myself, as I continue to flip through each page, touched with each image. I find a picture of a map, with the ever still lame ass line that says, "I need directions--to your heart, baby." There's a page where he drew a bingo sheet onto it, a page with a big picture of a cup of coffee, a page with a picture of a red heart, and lastly, a page that has a few butterflies, with writing that says, "I'm not good at math, but JT + CM = < 3. Wink, wink."
It gets even better though, because the next few pages have those poems he warned me about. Honestly, they're some of the worst things that I've ever read--but I couldn't love them any more because he at least--uh, well, he tried. The words are slightly scribbled out and marked over in some parts, and all around, it's just a complete mess--a beautiful disaster as Kelly Clarkson would say, if you will.
See for yourself:
These are all for you, baby girl. Don't fall in love with them too much. (I know they're really deep, but just try to stop yourself from thinking about how good they are when you read them.)
"The First Try" by Justin Timberlake
You know that I was in denial when I wrote that intro, don't you?
Chloe rhymes with doughy
And that's how you make me feel
And if you were a chicken I'd eat your thigh girl
Your love makes me go "my oh my"
I don't know why
But whenever I'm around you I feel so high
You're my cupcake
And your ass reminds me of a milkshake
When you smile, I melt in side....
Please tell me that this is real....
"The Second Attempt" by Justin Timberlake
A little better, no?
I know that you hate shrimp
So I had to find another way
To convey the way I feel about you
The feelings that strengthen everyday.
You used to piss me off with your
Organization and your sass
But now you turn me on with your
Kisses and your ass.
I know I was such a jerk
In the beginning to you
But I'm glad that those days
Are finally through.
So I told you that I liked
Your hot pussy the best,
But, now you have to believe me:
I was tripping you could say.
Cause I love you in every single way,
And want to show how much I adore you,
Each and every day.
"The Third One" by Justin Timberlake
Yeah, okay--so three isn't exactly a charm...
Your love is like a gentle breeze
That envelopes me by the beach.
Your kiss is definitely sweeter
Than the ripest Georgia peach.
I feel happy around you
No matter the time, and I'm so happy to finally admit
That you, my love, are mine.
I sigh, closing the book and closing my eyes. He said that three wasn't really a charm, but I'm actually thinkin' he was wrong....
****
{Justin}
She just knocked at my bedroom door. And I'll be the first one to admit to you, that for a second here, I was really starting to get worried.
I jump out of bed and make my to the door, pulling it open in utter anticipation.
I knew she would be back. I knew it. She loves me....
It's been an hour or so since I handed her the notebook, and as soon as I see her again, I can already tell that she's looked at it. Her eyes are back to normal--and she looks happy again. I smile slightly, watching her as she stares at me for a quick second. Before I know it, she leaps into me, wrapping her arms around my neck without even some much as a word.
I immediately hug her back, relieved beyond belief in just a matter of the thirty seconds she's been standing before me again. I burry my nose in her hair, as she sniffles against my chest and starts to cry. I just kiss the top of her head, rocking her back and fourth in my arms for what seems like forever.
We don't say anything to each other, yet I know that everything is going to be okay now. It's like an unspoken understanding between us or something. I squeeze her tighter to me, silently thanking God that it worked. She continues to cry against me, as we gently sway back and fourth to some unknown rhythm in my head.
No words are needed in this moment, because we only need each other right now. I guess it's like that old song says: Sometimes we say it best, when we don't say nothin' at all....
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