I watched the snow continue to fall outside the glass. Listening to the rumblings of several people around us mumbling about their flights being cancelled, not making it home to their families for the holiday. Hoping it wasn't our flights, Josh decided to check if any flights were going out. I turned in my spot on the floor, kicking off my boots and making myself comfortable, I watch the snow continue to fall from the sky.  In the hours I had been sitting here, watching the very same scene, I had a bad feeling we were going to be stuck in this airport all night. As beautiful as the snow was glistening all around, I wanted it to be in a warm bed, snuggled up in plush blankets, sleeping.

"Well..." he says plopping himself back down on the floor. "Looks like we are going to be stuck here for at least a couple more hours..." he trails off looking away from me.

I continued to stare off into the distance, but I could see his reflection in the window. "So we are going to be spending the night here... that's what you're not telling me."

"No flights are being rescheduled right now." He said in an almost happy tone. "I managed to snag us a room."

Relief filled my face. "That sounds amazing. I could at least get some sleep." I stretched my neck with tiredness running through my entire body. "I need to call my mother."

"It doesn't look like either of us will be spending this holiday with our families."

"So much for having my schedule rearranged..." I mumbled annoyed. I dreaded the idea of even calling her to tell her my flight was delayed when I first found out. I got lucky earlier when I received her voicemail. I can't even comprehend what this phone conversation was going to be like, I knew her, she would be sure to answer this time around.

I could imagine my mother fuming around the house, slamming things, sighing heavily, pretending she had entirely too much to do than to worry about the fact that I was not coming home for Christmas yet again.

Families are supposed to support everything you do. Good or bad, they are your choices to make. They are your choices to either succeed or fail at. Well not in my family. I was the daughter my father loved to support in high school as I played the lead in each and every play. I was the daughter my mother was proud to send to prom with the star of the football team. But the idea that I took the road less travelled, against her wishes wasn't exactly the bragging she wanted to do for her children. The son, a surgeon, was married with his second child on the way. The other daughter who was engaged to marry a promising young lawyer and was in her last year of law school herself, was the bragging rights my mother enjoyed. It didn't matter than her oldest daughter was a successful actress, an academy award winning actress. I was single, no children, and a career that was out of the ordinary, that's all that mattered. Nothing else that I could or have accomplished thus far would make any difference.

I climbed up off the floor as the phone began to ring, long dreaded rings.

I swallowed my pride when I heard her say hello on the other end of the phone, "Mama...I have some bad news." I rattled off immediately.

She sighed heavily, just as I imaged she would. "You have chosen that career... that life over your family yet again."

I began to pace back and forth down the terminal in just my tights. "That's not the situation at all..."

She interrupted my words, "I'm tired of hearing that something's come up or you're tired from being on set all day and just want to relax. Excuses Amber, they are all just excuses. You have ruined Christmas..." She said disgusted. "You should have married..."

I cut her words off, "What... I should have married Steven... that's what you wanted, not me. I couldn't marry him and be happy Mama."

"But you would be home for Christmas." She fired back.

            It was just like her to make me feel like I made the wrong choice. "I'm happy mama." Happy probably wasn't the choice of all words I could have used but she needed to know that I couldn't marry that guy just to be living near her.

"You're single and unmarried. How can you possibly be happy? You could be living here at home, married to Steven and raising your children without the worry of money..." She rambled until I stopped her yet again.

"I have no worries with money." I said disgusted. "I have more money single and unmarried than I would ever have had with Steven. That silly job of mine gives me a nice hefty paycheck." I smiled, even though she couldn't see that, it made me happy that her idea of happiness wasn't my idea of happy. "I'm happy with me... that is all that should matter."

"I can't believe you're not coming home." She spatted off, ignoring a conversation that she would never face.

"Mama..." I shook my head in disbelief. I had changed my entire work schedule and the schedule of a hundred crew members so I could come home for Christmas, and she still didn't care that it was against my wishes. She didn't have a clue how much her simple words hurt me. "I'm stranded at the airport with thousands of others." Some that I never expected to see, today of all days. "All the flights have been delayed and some have been cancelled. There's nothing I can do but wait."

"You should have come home earlier. You should have left that silly job and already be here spending Christmas with the ones you call your family."

Family. Since when does family make you feel like you are worth nothing? Since when can that be anything, anyone wants to endure?

I swallowed hard, wanting to hang up the phone and end this conversation that was breaking me into pieces, pieces that she didn't care to see. "I have no control over this. I will be on the earliest flight I can get. That's all I can do. I can't control a blizzard." I stopped, and then began to spurt out words that maybe I shouldn't have said, but needed said. "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment for you.  I'm sorry you don't agree with my choices, but I am your daughter. You could at the very least respect my decisions. You are supposed to be my mother."

The line got quiet.

I wasn't sure I wanted her to say anything in response.

"I...I... I don't have the time to deal with your problems Amber. I now have double the duties to do since you've decided not to come home again."

Annoyed and heartbroken I ended the phone call.

Tears of pain started to boil over my eyelids and stream down my flushed cheeks. It was just like my mother to make an uncontrollable situation somehow completely my fault, blame the reason being it was the ‘career' I chose, or the ‘life' I chose.

"Are you alright?" Josh asked as he wrapped his arms around my body, I resisted, pushing him away but he wasn't having that, he pulled me back into him. His grip seemed to get harder as he started to rub my back, soothing the heartache from words I couldn't erase from my thoughts.

"I was the golden child..." I began to ramble stories he already knew, "Engaged to a suitable person for my mother's standards, a doctor..." I rolled my eyes. "That was until I decided to chase my dreams. I left college, broke off my engagement and moved to Los Angeles. For the first time in two decades, I was making decisions for me, rather than everyone else." I pulled back from him, shrugged my shoulders, "Guess that makes me pretty selfish."

He placed his hand over mine, gazing into my eyes. "The only thing that makes you, is human. They, are selfish for wanting you to not chase your dreams." With his hand wrapped over mine, his eyes looking at me as if he has never seen someone look back at him like this before, I felt at ease. "Do you regret any of it?" He asked politely.

I shook my head no, but a twinge of regret filtered through my heart. There were things I regretted, but making the choice to break away from the mold of my family wasn't one of them. "When will those rooms be ready?" I wanted more than ever to just be sleeping.

"Well... that's the thing." He admitted stepping back. "There's only one."

"One room?" I questioned, surprised.

"Yes. They only had one suite available." He starts to fumble over his words, "There's a bed and a couch. I'll take the couch, not a big deal. Not at all..."

I laughed at his causal ramblings. "We're both adults, right? We can handle sleeping in the same bed..."

Neither of us responded and with both of us not truly convinced with that statement, we gather up our bags and started the long walk down the corridor to the hotel entrance. He refused for me to carry my own bags, gentleman he always was, appreciative, clearly I wasn't.

            He slid the key card into the door, granting us access to a suite. A room that put us alone, hidden from the world. He dropped both bags onto the bed. Awkward silence filled the space. I started to rummage through my bag, a nervous habit I couldn't control but I was sure if I tore everything out of my bag and ransacked it, it would accommodate for some time.

"I'm going to shower..." Josh says digging through his bag as well. "Maybe we could order some room service?"

We were still so much alike. I thought.

            I knew he was speaking to me, I could hear his voice but once he mentioned showering my thoughts went right to the hot steam of the shower, water dripping down his bare skin, my hands running through his hair, scrapping my nails off his scalp. I could feel his perfect lips against mine, his hands slowly caressing every inch of my body, his warmth around my body that needed it so badly.

"Am..." his voice got louder.

"Yea, sure, whatever..." I mumbled as I turned to walk away from him. I couldn't begin to look up at him. I couldn't pretend that I wasn't thinking about ripping his clothes off for him to shower. I couldn't pretend that I didn't want to in that very moment, climb into the shower with him.

            I heard the bathroom door close and the water turn on. I sat down on the bench, wrapping my hands over my face.

            Karma.            It truly was karma kicking me in the behind over and over again.

I could not do this.

I was not in the right state of mind to be seeing him. Dealing with my issues of the past.

            I swung around on the bench, placing myself in front of those black and white keys I had not played in what felt like forever. I placed my hands over the keys. The overwhelming feeling of pain and regret came swirling back.  Every ounce of pain I had ever felt in my life was weighing on my heart at the feeling of those keys under my hands. The memories, the laughter, the heartache, and the pain lie just under my fingertips.

I had to get over this, I had to break down that wall. I had to move on.

One by one, the keys came back to me as if it were yesterday I stopped playing. It was like it was yesterday when I destroyed everything. "Bum bum bum bum bum bum" I half heartedly smiled at the bittersweet feeling of playing and singing again. "This is my winter song to you..." my voice carried the heavy weight of his pain. "The storm is coming soon; it rolls in from the sea. My voice; a beacon in the night. My words will be your light, to carry you to me. Is love alive? Is love alive?" My fingers trailed over those keys, creating a melody of history in pain. "Is love?"

Words I hadn't said or tried to feel in a very long time echoed back at me, "They say that things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow, or so I have been told. They say were buried far, just like a distant star. I simply cannot hold. Is love alive? Is love alive? Is love alive?"

My voice climbed, beginning to carry through the suite, the keys flowed easily. "This is my winter song. December never felt so wrong..." The pain and guilt of my mistakes were front and center. "Cause you're not where you belong; Inside... my arms."  I have officially fallen to pieces and I only had myself to blame.

I felt his presence sitting next to me on the bench. My hands stopped moving. The keys stopped playing, but the tears streamed heavily. "Why did we end things?" He asked.

Swallowing the lump down my throat, my emotional threshold rumbled like the waves in the storm. "You and I both know why..."

He placed his hands over mine. Slowly pressing his hands gently, playing like we had so many times before. His infectious voice began to rein, "I don't know when we fell apart. The love that we had was like a work of art. I used to see heaven in your eyes... Now angels are falling from your skies... Things we said were so wrong. And I haven't held you for so long..."

The pain of my choices were hard to bare.

His glorious voice continued to rein, "Our foolish pride turns me inside... Why did we tell all those lies? You can reach for the phone. You don't have to be alone."

His concentration was lost in my eyes, his hands continued to flow over the keys but the words became scarce, "...Only had one wish on my list...  Me you would be the perfect gift... There's nothing colder... Holidays were ... to be alone... That's subsided now, no happiness around... If I could only find a way to your heart... ohhhh."

His hands stop pressing down over the keys. His voice stopped soothing the pain. "We used to love to play like this..."

"Which is why I haven't played since the day... since that day." I admitted.

 "I still miss you every day." His effortless voice expressed. "I still crawl into bed at night, hoping you will join me after your long day on set..."

I scurried off the bench, backing away from him. I couldn't do this. "We were happy... until I screwed that up."

He turned on the bench, looking at me across the room. "... I was so heartbroken, I just stayed quiet." His voice broke. The pain was echoing through his voice. "Yes, you screwed up. But you faced your mistake... that doesn't take away from the fact that I still want to be with you."

"It's been months... you've moved on."

He closed his eyes, remembering the pain. It was written all over his face. "I have stared at the clock every night, watching the time get closer and closer to the rise of the sun... waiting ... wishing you would just call."

"I couldn't call you." I place my hand over my chest, "I was the one in the wrong. And my indiscretions..." The truth in my words, hurt more now than they did a year ago.

He placed his hand onto mine, barging in on my words. "I forg-"

"You can't forgive me." I cut him off. "I did the unthinkable."

"I still love you." He expressed breathlessly again.

His tone of honesty was enough to hurt deep into my heart. I shook my head no. There was no way he could still even care about me after all this time. After the pain I put him through.

"Tell me you are not still in love with me," He climbed off the bench walking towards me.

"I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your love..." I looked away from him, attempting not to make eye contact with him.

His hand reached out for mine, "Do you still love me?" he asked again.

"Josh. Don't do this..."I backed away from him as he followed suit, "Please..." I begged feeling his chest against mine, his arms barricading me against the wall.

He spoke with his sweet understanding voice, so close, the exhale of the air of his words bounced off my skin. "Tell me that this is over, tell me you don't love me and we will leave here, never looking back on what we had..."

Every thought and feeling was screaming at me to just tell him how I felt but this was an amazing man that I didn't deserve.

His hand went to my face, caressing my cheekbone, "Amber..."

A moment of silence and soul searching left me saying the only words I could think about. "I still love you." I admitted. The tears flowed over my eyelids and they crashed on his shirt. As quick as the tears flowed, his lips were on mine.

Softly he poured his love into these arms that needed him so badly. He pressed me ever so gently against the wall, resting his head on my shoulder, breathing in my scent, gripping his hands into the soft wave of my hair and whispers "I missed you..."

I placed my hands on his face, pulling his back to eye level. "I know I let you down again and again. I know I never really treated you right. I've paid the price... I'm still paying for it every day." I ran my hand over his face, gripping the back of his head, keeping it firmly in place. "But I promise you Joshua Scott... If I was given the chance again, I would love you forever."

"What happened... happened." He closed his eyes, resting his forehead on mine. "We can't take any of that back, we both made mistakes, but we have forever and always to think about." A slow and steady kiss along my neck leads into a familiar act we knew very well. Articles of clothing became part of the pattern in the carpet.

With a fire burning slowly in the background, this season of good will, the charity of the heart's desire, and the spirit of this holiday that should be surrounding us, finally was.

 "This reminds me of our first snow..." Josh sits up on the bed, "We met in an airport in New York City... our flights were delayed because of a snow storm."

A smiled waved across my face, "You never know who you're going to meet at the airport!" I gushed as my face became stern. 

She planted her hands on her hips, bopping her head back and forth. "You never know who you are going to meet at the airport..."

"Jennifer." I mumbled.

Josh a little confused why I was mentioning my assistant asks, "How is Jennifer?"

"She knew..." I gushed, "She knew you would be at that airport..."

He shook his head, "Justin did say he saw Jennifer yesterday... I guess it is a possibility that she knew... what does this have to do with anything?"

"She changed my flight.  She made sure I was presentable to be in that airport... she knew I was see you..."

"Wonder if she knew we would end up here... like this?" He laughed, "I guess we couldn't just sleep in the same bed together!"

"I can sleep on the couch." I quickly jumped up pulling the sheet with me.

Only to have him pull me back down onto his chest, "I lost you once. I'll never let that happen again."

"I guess I should give Jennifer a nice Christmas bonus... she gave me the only thing I could ever want."

Having a relationship with someone of his stature was easy for me. I never thought of him as a celebrity, I never thought of  his as having money, I never saw him as someone that wasn't a doctor or lawyer, and I never saw him as anything other than the man I fell madly in love with and planned on spending the rest of my life with.

I just loved him. I loved him for everything that he was. It was all I needed.

            Bad choices don't have to be the end, just the beginning of a new path. Live and learn. With each bad choice one can make, there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere. With the spirit of the holidays, anything is possible if the heart is open for the love it deserves.

I snuggled my way back onto the bed, wrapping myself around him, "Merry Christmas Joshua."

With a single movement he turned to look deep into my eyes, his hand went to the side of my face, brushing the hair out of my eyes, sending a rush of butterflies through my body. "Merry Christmas Amber."

With love back in my heart, I rested for the first time. Listening to his heart beating through his chest was the sound I needed to sooth the pain in mine. His touch was all I needed to rest effortlessly.

I close my eyes and return to my first snow.