I had the key to JC's house for two weeks and I hadn't been back since the last time I was there. I wasn't scared or anything, I just wasn't sure. Was it really okay for me to be at his house when he wasn't at home? I felt like....I felt like the second I stepped foot into his home, Bobbi was either going to be there or come there. Of course, I'd enjoy ripping her a new asshole, but I'd prefer the nonviolent approach. I'll go out on a limb and say that yes, I'm a total tramp because I continue to let Josh be unfaithful, but at least I want JOSH and not what I can use from his status to advance myself.
At this point, what's happening between JC and I is completely uncontrollable. We've tried to keep ourselves from one another and we
just can't. I mean come on, six months of avoiding the man and we STILL couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. It's so much more deeper than lust between us. I only wish that JC knew that.
1999: Nothing's wrong, we can fix it.
Hallows Eve! Yes, it was that time of year. Autumn, Fall, beginning of school, whatever you wanna call it. I didn't want to be extremely excited about Halloween at first because I'm 18 and I'm supposed to be too old, but screw that I plan on having fu--
"ZAHRA!!!"
"Yes, Mom!"
"The guys are in town!!"
Fun. I planned on having fun.
I threw on my Rugrats slippers and hightailed it downstairs. Yeah, I said Rugrats. I walked into the kitchen about to go completely bananas,
when I saw that my mom was surrounded by company. Male company. Five white, male companions. Son. Of. A. Bitch. I was wearing nothing but a long t-shirt, aka my pajamas. Why is it no one ever comes here when I have on some actual clothes!
"Nice outfit," Lance smirked.
"Get bent," I quipped
"Zahra," my mom warned.
I shook my head, rolling my eyes. Of course when after I turned my head. I'm a smart ass, but I'm not ridiculously insane.
"Mom, how is it every time this happens, I never know? Why do you guys insist on doing that to me?" I asked.
"It's a lot more fun this way," my mom said.
I heard Justin and Joey's snicker. Oh HA! When did my mom become the smart alec queen? I turned away, rolling my eyes as I shook my head. Mom was something else.
"Maaa," I whined.
"I'm only joking, I didn't even know they were coming this time, Scout's honor," she said.
"What are you guys even doing here?" I asked. I wasn't even conscious that I hadn't seen or spoken to Justin in a little over six months. He was beaming. I guess being with Britney was the best thing for him. I'd never seen him so dreamy-like before. He didn't seem angry at me or anything. Regardless, I needed to talk to him and apologize for my behavior.
"I guess that question means you didn't watch the Radio Music Awards," Chris replied.
"Oh stop, of course I watched it, I just wasn't expecting you guys to still be in town," I said.
"Have any plans for Halloween?" Chris asked me.
"My plan was to throw a party at JC's house, but you guys just HAD to show up and ruin it," I joked.
That's not a bad idea, actually.
"Actually, that's not a bad idea," Justin said. I glanced up at him quickly. How is it he can still read my thoughts?
"Yeah, just go ahead and plan it, I'm not standing here or anything," JC said.
I smiled, shaking my head. "Aw, come on Jace, it'll be fun. I'll stay and clean afterward, I cross my heart and stick a needle in your eye," I vowed.
"Fine....hey wait, MY eye?!" JC exclaimed.
I giggled and pat his shoulder. "You won't feel anything, I'm sure of it."
"How are you guys gonna plan a party when tomorrow is Halloween?" JC asked.
"C, we're in a "boy band", we can do anything," Justin replied.
JC chuckled and threw his hands up. Chris, Joey, and Lance followed JC into the basement and Justin stuck around to get some water. Yes! Halloween party tomorrow. I...I have to go get a costume.
"Oh man, I just remembered I have to get a costume now," said Justin.
Okay, now I'm feeling invaded by this, blue-eyed, perfect smile, curl--
"You grew out your hair...," I said to myself.
Obviously, I wasn't as quiet as I thought, because Justin turned around. I froze. I froze? I'm not a kid anymore, how can he still have that effect on me? His facial expression was gentle, but I could easily see that he was uncertain about what his next move.
"I have decided to grow my hair out, yeah," Justin said to me.
What do I say? What do I do? Have I said anything? What do I say?!
"Hi."
Oh no. I slapped my hand over my forehead. Justin laughed quietly.
"Look."
"I'm."
We both laughed at our simultaneity and stood quietly. Okay, I needed to speak first.
"J, I'm sorry for avoiding you for so long. I guess, no I know, what you said was right and I apologize. I just want you to know that I wasn't playing games with you. Anything that happened between us, it was all honest," I began.
"Thank you. I shouldn't have thrown whatever you and JC had going on in your face. It was none of my business and I'm sorry I did that. And I want to let you also know, that on my end, it was all honest, too. I know I left you hanging and went into another relationship, I didn't mean for things to happen the way it did. None of it was to spite you, I really thought you moved on," Justin explained.
"Everything happens for a reason, right? It's in the past, it's behind us," I said.
"Good. Don't ever avoid me for so long again, though. You'll never
understand how worried I was about you. I couldn't sleep most of the
time because I was so worried. I've missed you, Zee-licious," he smiled.
"Zee-licious? New nickname, please," I laughed.
"No, trust me, Zee-licious is the name for you," said.
"Why?" I asked.
Justin walked over to me, leaning on the counter. I fought the urge to look into his blue eyes until I finally gave in. It was disgusting how easy it was for me to turn into pudding before his gaze. God, this kid was beyond the definition of gorgeous.
"Because let's not forget, I do remember how you taste." His fingertip grazed my lip and he coolly walked off toward the living room.
I sat in complete and utter shock. Mostly because that was so terribly lame. We finally get things into the open, and he flirts like we never missed a beat. This guy. I got up, following him into the living room. I actually had something I needed to speak to him about. I never got a chance to ask JC because, we, yeah that's what happened.
I sat down next to Justin on the couch, trying to get my thoughts together. I wasn't sure if what I wanted to inquire about was touchy or not. I definitely didn't want to overstep my boundaries, but I needed to know what was going on.
"Justin."
"Zahra," he answered, turning toward me.
"It's been a little over six months since we've spoken and I just want to know if there's anything you wanted to tell me but didn't get a
chance to."
"You want details on the lawsuit, right?" he asked.
I couldn't pinpoint his emotion, so I still wanted to tread softly. "Not really details, just an overview of what's happening."
Justin chuckled softly. "I'll explain it to you, babe."
"Babe?" I teased.
Justin smiled and laid back on the couch. His head was on the cushion, turned toward me. He looked unbearably beautiful. I missed seeing him in his natural state, not in designer clothes and expensive sunglasses. His basketball shorts, his tennis shoes, and a sweatshirt, he looked his best.
"Oh ha freaking ha. Anyway, you know the Backstreet Boys filed a suit against Lou Pearlman, right?" Justin began.
I nodded slightly.
"Well that got us thinking and we started going over a few finances. We realized that we were doing all these performances, being worked to exhaustion and the pay we were receiving wasn't at all matching up. My mom got a professional to look at things, including our contract, and he informed us of what we'd agreed to. So, the guys and myself decided to have a meeting and discuss the details..."
Justin trailed his last few words and with the way I was hanging on his every word, you would think he was a live action soap opera or
something.
"Okay, then what?" I asked.
"The meeting got a little ugly. JC left on a light note, though. We decided right then and there that we needed to get out of our contract, we want to go to another label. And the minute we made that decision, we're slapped with a lawsuit. Bringing us to here. You know, he's trying to threaten us with taking away our name."
"What? You can't be serious. How dare he think he can take your name, he didn't give it to you." I was pissed, damn near ready to rip this Lou's face off.
"Yeah can you imagine all of our parents' reactions?" he smiled.
"You're smiling, but you and I both know you're scared."
Justin reached out and touched my cheek. "I am. In the blink of an eye, everything I've wanted and worked for is going to be snatched away from me. Just like that."
"Don't give up so easily. Don't let this man take away everything. You guys fight back, and you fight with everything you can. You'll get through it, I promise," I said.
"You always know what to say, Zahra. Now...I have something to ask you. Was what I said to you the only reason you wouldn't take my calls?" he asked.
I can't be honest with him, not right now at least. It would be unfair to put him in an awkward position by being truthful.
"Yes. I needed some time to think about everything that was taking place in my life," I replied.
I lied. I couldn't tell him that I wouldn't be able to hear his voice or see his face without the reminder that he belonged to someone else. I didn't want our relationship to be like what I was desperately trying to stop with me and JC.
"Zahra...we've known each other for quite awhile now. I may not have been here every single day, but I know when you're lying to me. I only hope in due time, you'll tell me the truth."
1999: El Halloween Fiesta!
Finally, it was the night of the Halloween party. I was beyond excited, and then I found out JC invited Bobbi. Was I barking mad? Hell yes! He knows that woman can't stand me and I can't stand her sparkly, glitzy ass. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but I just had a bad feeling about this.
"Joshua, I'm going to murder you!" I yelled as I stomped up the stairs of his home. I pinned a decoration on the wall and I barged into his room.
"JC, I--. Oh my God, I'm sorry!"
I stood frozen, staring at JC's bare body. He was completely naked, and wet. He was obviously fresh out of the shower. His hair was soaked and laid atop his head. Damn.... Completely caught of guard by my entrance, JC grabbed his towel and covered his body. I snapped back into reality and covered my face.
"Oh, NOW you cover your face? You've already seen everything!" JC exclaimed.
I snickered. I chuckled. I giggled. I giggled hard. I laughed my butt off. I couldn't stop it, actually.
"What's so funny, Zahra?" he asked.
"I saw you naked, Jace.”
JC shook his head, smiling. He ran his fingers through his wet hair, chuckling softly.
"You pervert," he teased.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to walk in on you, but my....what a man you are," I smiled.
JC bashfully bit his lip while he gathered his clothes. "I'm starting to think you planned on walking in on me."
"Well, before the group I sort of did plan walking into you when you just came out the bathroom, but this was totally on accident. I came up here to kill you, actually."
JC walked back into his bathroom to put his clothes on. "What? Kill me, what'd I do?" he called.
I threw myself up onto his bed, making myself comfortable. Almost instantly I wanted to fall asleep. His bed had to be made from heaven
and feathers.
"You're putting me at the same party as your girlfriend. JC, you know that's a bad idea," I called back.
"How about you guys act like adults and squash the stupidity?" he asked, coming out of the bathroom with shorts and a t-shirt on.
"We could, if I still wasn't carrying on with her boyfriend."
"Zahra."
"Joshua, if I avoid you tonight, don't take it personal and don't come seek me out," I said.
"You're taking thi--"
"No, I'm not. The more we try to fight the attraction between us, the hotter and stronger it becomes. I really don't fancy being the "other woman". I think we should just cool it, you know?"
"All I'm hearing is that things are better for you when we don't speak."
"I didn't say that. How am I supposed to feel about this? If you'll cheat on her with me? Who would you cheat on me with?" I asked.
"Zahra, this is different and you know that!"
I shot up from my horizontal position. "How is it different? Don't you often wonder what kind of girl goes after a man who's taken? Don't you wonder if she'll do the same to you?!"
"No, I don't wonder that about you. And I would never do that to you, Zahra."
"How do I know that, JC?" I asked.
"Because I love you too damn much."
My heart stopped mid-beat. Did he just say what I thought he said? No, no, I'm hearing things. There's no fucking WAY, he said he loved me.
"You what?" I asked.
"I love you. I'm in love with you. You wanna know why I can't stay away? That's why. You finally got it out of me, Zahra. I love you."
I felt like my chest was caving in. I couldn't breathe. He did say it. He said it more than once. And he....he meant it. I longed to hear
those words, yes. But....I always thought that once I heard them, it'd be in the right situation. This wasn't the right situation. Regardless...it didn't stop tears from forming in my eyes. At the end of the day, I longed to hear those words from JC Chasez.
"I..."
"You don't have to say anything. I don't expect you to love me back. You have yet to feel for me what I feel for you. And that's why, I can't break up with Bobbi. Things still aren’t right."
I watched his eyes shift. JC was uncomfortable, nervous, almost past the point of embarrassed. He walked out of the room, quickly. He couldn't even look at me. He's wrong. He's so wrong. I did feel for him what he felt for me....I just couldn't tell him. Any way I looked at it, there was no way to explain feeling this way for JC and telling him I felt the exact same way....about his best friend.
The party was going great, for everyone else that is. I had so much on my mind, I couldn't even have fun. I decided to dress up as a school teacher, I had the tight pencil skirt, blazer with the girls peaking through my unbuttoned blouse, heels, and some glasses. I did some sort of up-do with my hair using a pencil to top the entire outfit off. JC couldn't keep his eyes off me, along with a select few of the people he invited. But I was lost in thought, and I mostly kept to myself.
"Hey."
I felt warm breath against my ear. I turned my head slightly, catching a glimpse of a blonde curl. It was Justin. Weird, I thought he was here already. Man, I'm really out of it.
"Hi, J," I smiled. He was wearing a pirate's costume. Usually I'd be laughing my butt off because a pirate's costume is a bit corny, but Justin pulled it off so well, I couldn't say anything about it.
"Hey. Wow, you look sexy, really Zee," Justin complimented.
"Thanks. You don't look bad yourself, there," I responded.
"Are you gonna teach me a lesson?" he teased.
I chuckled softly. "I could, but it seems you have your own girl to toy around with."
I stood up and began to walk upstairs. I opened the door to one of the guest rooms and shut it quietly. No one seemed to be in either of the rooms. I really wanted some peace and quiet. I know that I wasn't really into the party mood. I wasn't sure if Justin had followed me until I heard a soft knock on the door.
"Come in," I called.
"Hey, you just up and walked away from me. I was looking all stupid and stuff," he joked.
"I'm sorry, but I needed the dramatic effect to go with what I said," I smiled.
"Are you okay? You look magnificent and you're up here showing your costume to the bed. Something's weighing heavy on your mind, isn't it?" Justin asked.
"No, no, of course not. I wanted to get you alone," I replied. Once again, I lied.
"Get me alone? I'm not easily tempted but you're the one exception and that scares me."
"Okay great, let's go back downstairs, me first."
I shot up off the bed and brushed past him to get out of the door. Before I could snake all the way out the room, Justin grabbed my hand
and pulled me back inside. He closed the door, leaning against it. Um, what in the world was going on? The room was lit up by a few candles, but I still looked at him, trying to decipher his look.
"Justin what are you doing?" I asked.
"When was the last time we kissed?" Justin asked.
This already doesn't sound like it's going anywhere positive.
"I don't know, J. Last year, maybe? I'm not sure," I replied.
"Do you miss me kissing you?" he asked.
"I definitely think it was something I enjoyed," I replied
"Can I tell you a secret?" he asked. I nodded slowly. "I feel like we're growing apart and I think it's my fault. I just need to know, right now, all honesty, did I break your heart? Am I breaking your heart?"
I felt a sigh of relief. I thought he was going to make a move on me. I was intrigued by his question, though. Why is he asking me such a question? I hope he didn't take my remark as snarky. I was only kidding with him. Did he break my heart? I don't know if it's fair to say he did so, knowing that I was carrying on with JC. I have the same feelings for them, yes, but the way I care about each of them is different. How I feel about Justin isn't the same as how I feel about JC.
"I was hurt when I learned about Britney, yes. But I know that it was out of my control. She's in the same position you're in, she can understand not seeing you for a long time better than I can."
"Do you hate me?" he asked.
"Justin, no, I don't hate you. And you shouldn't dwell on it, either. What happened, happened and I'm happy for you."
"I know you're scared to be alone with me, like I am with you," Justin said.
"I won't let you do anything stupid, J."
"I know, and I sorta wish you would let me be stupid. My body's crying to know what all is under that outfit." I could barely see the sexy smile plastered across his face, but I could definitely hear it in his voice.
"Just walk back down to the party and I'll come down in ten minutes."
"You let JC be stupid," he commented.
"You're right, I did. Now, his girlfriend now holds the most embarrassing moment of my life. Get outta here," I said.
"Okay, you're right and I'm wrong. But before I go, make a promise to me."
"What's the promise?" I asked.
"Promise you won't get rid of that outfit," he answered.
I wanted to throw him off the stairs for continuing to tease me. Still I was flattered, embarrassed, and I smiled. But I still smacked him in the arm.
"I promise."
Justin laughed quietly as he began to open the door. He stopped before stepping out, signaling for me to come with him. I thought it would appear as if we were up here doing something even though we were only talking. Oh, what the hell? Maybe no one will even notice. For the first time the entire night, I wasn't worried. Justin and I made our way downstairs, walking over to the food table.
"Oh, look who's here!"
I'm being tested right now. There is no way I wasn't. The mere sound of that voice made me sick to my damn stomach. I brought my eyes up slowly to the tall, long-haired woman whose top goal was to make my life hell
tonight. I noticed she was wearing a slutty witch costume. She came as herself. Go figure. I also noticed the drink she had in her hand.
"Bobbi," I greeted politely. Looking at her, I could tell she wasn't entirely sober.
"What were you doing upstairs with Justin, huh?!" Why is it that drunks lose their ability to regulate sound, first? Justin and I shot each
other looks and before I knew it, JC was moving through the crowd of dancing guests. They had yet to notice what was taking place by the food table.
"We were talking, Bobbi," Justin replied.
"Bobbi, you've had too much to drink. Come on let's go outside," JC said, grabbing her hand.
"No!" She yanked herself out of JC's grip. "Yeah, right, talking. Was she up there fucking your brains out like she did my boyfriend?!"
"Bobbi, please!" JC violently whispered.
Okay Zahra, stay calm. Don't lose your cool because she has a right to be upset. I never had sex with JC OR Justin, but she has a right to be upset. I'm calm, I'm fine, I am good.
"You've been trying to bang both of them, you dirty slut. And the second his girlfriend is away, you try to throw yourself on Justin. WHORE!" Bobbi screamed as she pushed me.
She pushed me. She pushed me? She pushed me! Okay. That's it. I'm going to bash her fucking face in now. I threw my right fist out. I don't know if this is psycho or not, but the second I felt my knuckle connect with her jaw, I smiled. Does that make me angry or insane? Perhaps both. Who knows.
I didn't even get a second punch in before I was picked up and pulled back upstairs. Didn't stop me from swinging my arms and legs out in front of me. Once my shoes were on the carpet, I began to pace. I paced back and forth. I didn't even know who had brought me upstairs or where I was until the light switched on.
"What the he--"
"JC, I'm not in the mood to hear anything you have to say right now. Nothing you can say will fix this. Nothing."
"All I wanted was one night. One night whe--"
"One night where what, your girlfriend and side girl would get along?" I finished.
JC shot me a deadly glare. You'd think I said sometime about his mom with the way he was looking at me. But it was the truth. That's what I was to him.
"I don't even know what to say to you right now," JC said.
"I'm leaving."
"Don't."
"I'm not staying, JC."
I placed my hand on the knob, debating if I was serious about leaving or not. This is the second time I've been publicly humiliated by Bobbi. I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't stay. It's best I go. I turned the knob, beginning to pull on the door.
"Zahra!"
I stopped. I don't know why, but I stopped. It wasn't like I'd never heard JC yell before. I've seen him mad, mostly because I made him that way. But this was different. His yell wasn't a regular yell. It sounded like a plea. I didn't turn around, I just stood at the door. My hand was still on the knob. If I let go, then he won another battle. This was MY battle, I didn't want him to win. I kept my eyes focused on the door. I saw his shadow increase in size, meaning he was getting closer to me.
"Don't leave me," he whispered in my ear.
"I have to."
I opened the door and walked out of his room. I didn't want any attention attracted toward me, so I walked directly out the front door without looking back. I heard my name being called, and I ignored it. I had to get out of there before I had the urge to find Bobbi and further embarrass myself.
Happy Halloween to me.
