2000: No Strings Attached...?
The album was out. Of course, I got lucky because I didn't have to stand in line to buy it, I received mine in the mail a few hours ago. I was waiting for the right time to listen to it. Welllllll okay, truthfully, I was putting it off. All I could do at the moment was look at the album book. There was one picture inside I was instantly in love with, and it was smack dab in the middle of the booklet. Whites, light blues, and grays. It was nice to see that the two people that were at the end, also make up the N and C of NSYNC. They held everything together, just like they did in my life. Though I hate to admit or even think so.
Finally flipping the page, I now saw the significance of Chris' pictures to me. He gave me shots from the album shoot. Why of only himself? Because he’s someone who enjoys messing with his adopted younger sister, but nevertheless it was a sweet gesture.
I'm in a weird and confusing stage right now. I turned 19 last month, Justin turned 19 the latter of the month before, and we hadn’t addressed that incident in the dressing room. I can’t fully understand why, since JC and I have been doing our unfaithful tango for years, but I don’t feel great about it. It's hard to explain. Justin Timberlake was NOT himself that moment in the dressing room. At first I thought it was just his sexual demeanor that was different, that's a given. But now that I've had time to reflect back on it, I realize that it was strange. Meaning, he was not acting how he normally would. Something happened to him and not knowing what it was, kept me up at night.
It's hard, very hard, for me to believe that Justin would cheat on Britney with me. The happiness on his face when he was with her, I couldn't touch that. What made me different now? What could have went wrong, IF something went wrong?
But yeah, I digress. Me putting off listening to the album. I felt like if I waited to listen to the album, I could avoid a phone conversation with any of the guys. I knew myself. I wouldn't be able to focus knowing that my thoughts were eating me, and the person who was the subject of these thoughts, was ridiculously accessible.
Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but it's fishy. I mean, in no way am I implying that JC is just enjoys cheating. I'm old enough to know that JC and I let things sweep under a rug so long, where a point of no return has been hit. Bringing us to these situations in which we cannot seem to keep our hands off one another. I can honestly say that if Justin had lived here instead, the tables would be reversed and I'd be in the same situation all over again. What makes me feel the
worst about it all is, I know that day in the dressing room, Justin used me to block out whatever was wrong with him. I'm not sure he could ever convince me otherwise.
Ah! My thoughts are just scattered. I'm getting older and none of this is fun. None of it. Before, I was younger and immature, not understanding the consequences of my actions. The sneaking around, the lying, the unfaithfulness; is it really worth the feeling of being, ironically, empty and alone? All this stopped being a game once all these adult emotions came into play because now, they are being toyed with. I understand the consequences better than ever, and still, I struggle. I don't know how to let them go.
"Zahra."
My thoughts were interrupted as I looked away from my window and turned my head in the direction of my mother. "Yes, Mom?"
"What's going on?" she asked as she stepped into my room. She sat down on my bed, placing a pillow back in its rightful place.
”Just thinking. People often do things because they thought it was right, only to realize what they thought was happiness, turned out to be completely fake," I replied.
“They do. We all get there one way or another. The thing you have to realize is that life will always throw temptation at you, but only you can choose how much to indulge in it. You'll soon see that no matter if you're happy or unsatisfied, the indulgence will always bother you,” she said. A sigh was released from her mouth. “Zahra, you can't keep hoping either of them will give up everything and love you."
My eyes shot up quickly. What did she just say? She knows? Of COURSE she knows, she's my mom. If there was anyone on this planet who know the most about me when I said nothing, it was her. I could barely even look my mother in the eyes. I wasn't sleeping around, but what I was doing was still wrong and I felt it in my chest. Oddly, I was only ashamed my mother knew and not for what I had done, or was doing.
"I know that this is hard to register, but step away Zahra. I can only hope that if you do nothing else, you step away."
I got up and went to go hug my mother. I didn't have to thank her, because words would never suffice. She left my room, closing the door behind her. I took the NSYNC album off of my dresser and went to place the CD into my player. Okay, here I go.
By the time I got to track 7, titled after the album, and I realized I knew the words that were being sung, my emotions were mixed. No strings attached. Letting go. Letting Justin Timberlake be free. Leaving JC Chasez alone. Not letting myself make them my life. No strings attached. It was definitely easier said than done. But I'd never know, if I didn't at least try. I had to step back. I had to stop making JC and Justin the center of my world. I had to move on.
One thing I know I for sure had to do, was making sure Justin was Justin, JC was JC, and that the two never intermixed. That in itself, was going to be the biggest challenge of them all. How do you separate people like them who are different, yet just naturally drawn to each other and always having something to do with one another? I don't know, but I had to try.
I sighed heavily. "Day one."
2000: Road Trip? No.
It was rare when I could wake up after 12 pm and not have the phone ringing in my ear. Come on! At least let me sleep until 12:02!
"Hello?" I answered. Not in the most sunshiny voice, either.
"Pack your bags," a deep male voice sounded off on the other line.
"Hi Lance. I'm doing fine, thanks," I responded.
"Sorry. Hey, Zahra, how are you? Great, now go pack your bags."
I pulled myself up and rested my back against my pillows. What was he babbling about me packing bags for again?
"For what, Lansten?" I asked, snorting at how they came up with that fake ass name.
"We're doing tour rehearsals at the compound in Florida. An invite for you to come has been extended," Lance replied.
"Why?" I was feeling very uneasy about this. Me? I'm just Zahra. Why the hell would I be invited anywhere?
"You're Justin's assistant, aren't you?" he asked, knowing damn well that was a blatant lie.
"Lance, I'm near the end of my Freshman semester. My mom isn't about to let me go now," I said. That's right, I did have school. Education first.
"You get a week Spring Break, right? And since you end class early on Wednesday and don’t have any on Thursdays, that’s almost two weeks of free time."
Damn him. Who the HELL told him that?
"How would I even get there?" I sulked.
"We're gonna take a bus. Me and Joe on one, the rest on the other."
"I don't think this is a good idea," I said.
"Please come? Pretty please? When we get there you can choose any condo to stay at."
"I choose not to stay with anyone. I‘m not gonna go with you guys."
"Zahra, we talked right? And you told me that you were working on backing away. You can't back away without being put in a situation to test yourself."
"But suggesting I stay with JC of all people?" I asked. He knew putting me and JC anywhere was like locking two pregnant women in a room full of cakes. No one was coming out standing!
"I suggested me and Joey," he reminded.
I rolled my eyes. "I'm gonna be too close to doing time for murder because I'll have to pick up behind Joey every minute."
"Chris and Justin?"
"No way am I being put in a room with Prank 1 and Prank 2. And I don’t wanna stay alone. I’d have no choice but to stay with JC,” I groaned.
“It’ll only be bad if you guys let them get to that point,” he consoled.
“Hold up, oes JC even know I'm staying with JC? Better yet, does Bobbi?" I asked. I was already a nervous wreck.
"He will after you agree to go to Orlando. And seeing as how Bobbi has her own life and business to attend to, she won’t even be there. You'll be back home by April 28th, Scout's honor," Lance promised.
Ugh! Must he have everything planned?!
"Lance, I'm gonna kill you because I won't be able to make it through this."
"You'll be fine. Two weeks is plenty time to sort out your feelings and have some serious discussions."
I bade Lance goodbye and hung up the phone. I slammed my body back into my pillows and sighed heavily.
"I'm fucked."
2000: Road Trip? Yes.
I was going to be on a bus with Justin and JC, on top of being in their presence for almost two weeks. This wasn't stepping away. But maybe Lance was onto something. My mom told me to step away and this was my test. If I couldn't make it through this, it was going to be more difficult than I planned.
I had my bags, two medium-sized duffles and a smaller one, gathered at the front door. I was going over everything I had in my head, checking to see if I had all that I needed. It was Florida in the Spring, which all boiled down to hot. The doorbell rang and Lance was at my door, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I gave him a warning look.
"You could at least smile, damn it," he chuckled as he grabbed my bags.
My mom was at work, so I left her a note with numbers of where I'd be and I'd call her once I was there. The only reason she even agreed to this is because Justin’s mom was gonna conveniently be nearby and would be able to check up on me. I locked up the house and followed Lance onto the bus. Wow, finally going back to where all this started, seven years later. Lucky number seven. Yeah, we'll see.
Anyway, on the outside, the bus didn't look like much. Once I stepped inside though, I was impressed. There was a large front lounge area with bathroom, the aisle of bunks, and then the back lounge area. Lance handed my bags off to Chris, who went to place it on a bunk.
"Alright, have fun, Zee," Lance smiled as he walked off the bus. I was tempted to give him the finger, but instead I sat down in the booth across from Justin. The same Justin who was in command a few months ago, could barely look me in the eye. Was he afraid that if he did, I would know something wasn't right?
"Hi guys," I said.
"Don't sound so excited to be stuck with us," Chris said.
I smiled, and it was genuine. "Oh Chrissy, don't be pissy."
"I already wanna kick you off the bus. Guess I'm gonna love having you here after all," he teased.
I chuckled and turned back to Justin. He half-smiled at me and I reached across the table, taking his hands in mine. I held on until he finally looked me in the eye. And I was right. I saw it. Something was wrong. Something had happened. I mouthed "later" to him and released his hands. In that moment, I didn't feel this back breaking tension between us. All I felt was the need to help my best friend and that feeling felt better than anyone could imagine.
"Where's Tweedle Dum?" I asked Justin.
"Back there making love to a pillow," he joked.
I shook my head and stood up to go search for Mr. Sleepy. I closed the door separating the bunks from the lounge area and searched the top bunks for JC. Nope. I pulled back the curtain of a lower bunk and saw his angelic face. He was curled up, all the way near the back, sleeping peacefully. Aww. I didn't want to wake him. I gently pulled back the rest of the curtain, kicked off my shoes, and climbed into his bunk.
Stop, before the wrong idea is formed. This is completely innocent. I swear it. I pulled the curtain back all the way and placed my head on his pillow.
"Come closer," I heard JC faintly whisper.
I smiled a little and slid over closer to him. "I didn't mean to wake you," I said.
JC opened his eyes and threw me the same half-smile I'd just received minutes earlier. He looked so cute. He placed his arm across my waist. The feeling of his embrace was unique to me. In all wrong, it made me feel right.
"It's okay. I smelled your vanilla spray. I wanna kiss you.”
Okay Zahra, moment of truth. Politely decline.
"That’s not a good idea.”
"I know, but I still want to. Can’t we just do what we both want?”
This was annoyingly difficult. Especially since he looked at his sexiest to me right now.
I chuckled. “Haven’t we already been doing that?"
"On the cheek, then?" he asked.
“You know you won’t. But try it.”
He shifted, leaning over to place his lips on my cheek. It was lightly damp and quick. I was bashful, I know I was. He was, too. JC gazed at me and slowly, piece by piece, his eyes were beginning to take me apart. I quickly looked away. I felt JC's hand on my cheek and he softly pressed his lips against mine. Instantly tears welled up in my eyes. But why? He pulled away and dropped his head back onto his pillow, softening his gaze. I hated his affect on me. I hated it so much. No one else had that type of power over me.
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I didn't mean to upset you."
I wiped my eyes. "No, no, it's not that."
"Then what is it?" he asked.
"This trip is gonna be difficult," I replied.
"It doesn't have to be."
"But it is. As long as you belong to someone else, being alone with you will always be hard."
"I'll make it easy," he suggested.
"How?"
"I won't touch you, or kiss you or look at you in any certain way," he replied.
"How could that be easier for me?"
"Because it's beyond difficult for me. It's always hard for someone you're in love with."
"It is."
JC's eyes widened at my remark. He was staring at me in an awed confusion. I hadn't even noticed that what I said, wasn't a thought in my mind, it was out in the open. No. No, I wasn't ready for JC to know I loved him yet. I couldn't step away if he knew that I was very much in love with him and I always had been.
Always.
"What are you saying, Zahra?"
"Nothing," I whispered.
JC closed in on the space between us and leaned close to my ear. "If you meant what I think you did, I'll definitely make it worth your while."
I sighed at the feeling of his warm breath beating against my ear. He was tempting me, and I almost lost my cool until I repeated, over and over in my head, JC had a girlfriend. A wicked girlfriend. That was enough to get me to pull the curtain back and leave his bunk.
"You have to understand that I don't want to be second to Bobbi anymore."
That last glance of his face, haunted me the whole night as I lied awake above his bunk. I'd almost made it to sleep, when I felt an overwhelming, but satisfying heat next to my body. Startled, I opened my eyes. I was eye-level with a t-shirt and a strong chest behind it. I travelled my eyes up and until they met with deep blue eyes and curly hair.
"Justin, what are you doing?" I asked.
"Talk, remember?" he replied.
"Right. Justin, that day in the dressing room. What was that? Better yet, who?" I asked. Our conversation was totally hushed.
"What do you mean? It was me of course," he replied.
"It was you, but it wasn't your behavior, J. You expect me to believe that you'd be unfaithful to Britney?"
"It was with you, and you know how I feel about you."
"I do know, but I also know how you feel about her and you wouldn't do that to her while in the right state of mind. Doesn't matter if it was me or not."
Justin sighed heavily. "Zee..."
"It's not like I didn't enjoy what happened between us, I didn’t stop you. But can you honestly say that it would've happened five months ago?"
"No...," he replied hesitantly.
"Exactly. Tell me what's going on, Justin. You can trust me."
"I've been hearing things."
"Hearing things about who?" I didn't like the uneasiness I heard in his voice. It made me cringe on the inside. I sat up and crossed my legs, while Justin laid on his back, putting his arms behind his head.
"About Britney and Wade."
"Your guys' choreographer? What kind of things?"
"Yeah, him. That she's been with him. If it was one or two people, then I wouldn't care. But it's many different people who have no connections to one another, telling me the same thing."
"Do you believe it?" I asked.
"I don't want to, but I'm suspicious. The day in the dressing room, I had just heard from the last person. It drove me insane. All of what I'd been pushing back in my mind about how I felt about you, yet I had been faithful, I let it out. I am so sorry I put you into this, but I wasn't thinking clearly."
"I knew that, J. I wanted to be mad at you. But, I felt something was off with you and I didn’t stop you, doesn't make me any better. I'm sorry about that and about Britney."
I leaned forward and hugged him. He unlocked his hands from behind his head and placed them on the dip of my back. His hands were warm. I was aware Justin was in a vulnerable state. But, at the same time, this was Justin and I, on a bed, at night, embracing each other. Tightly. That being said, I tried not to acknowledge what I felt on the front of my thigh. I REALLY tried. I felt his lips softly touch my neck. He kissed and ran his tongue across the same spot. I sighed out, feeling my eyes rolling beneath my eyelids.
"Thank you, Zahra."
"You're welcome. I know you haven't asked and I don't mean to pry, but you have yet to know the truth. Don't lose hope, J," I told him, still locked in our friendly, yet extremely tempting hold.
"I love you, Zahra."
"I love you, too, Justin."
"No." Justin held me tighter as he sat up a little, causing me to pull my head back a little to look at him. "I mean I love you. Seriously."
My jaw? Dropped. Drool. Everything. Dropped. I was tempted to say something completely cheesy and stupid because I was in pure shock. This was mind boggling. This couldn't be real. At all. I wanted to believe that this wasn't some sick, twisted dream I was having, but under the circumstances I couldn't.
"Justin, how do I know you're not saying all of this because you're hurt? It's one thing for us to have a horny mishap, but it's completely another for you to bring a huge emotion like love into this," I warned.
"I'm not lying nor am I delusional. Remember when we were 16 and I came to visit you? That night on your couch, we almost went all the way. I loved you then, and I love you now."
My heart caved in. Not real. It wasn't real. I was feeling all of my emotions, and instead of them liberating me, I was feeling suffocated by them.
"Then why Britney?" I asked.
"Because I doubted your love for me," he replied.
"Why?" I asked breathless.
"JC. Once I caught onto you two, I knew I couldn't compete, and I wouldn't."
I sighed and pulled out of Justin's hold. I didn't know how to feel hearing that. It was ironic how JC felt he was the one who couldn't compete with Justin. What I don't understand is, what made them feel like they were competing anyway. Still, I was at a loss for words.
"J."
"No, it's okay, really. That night when I told you I knew about JC and I said I love you, I meant it."
I looked into his eyes. Even in the darkness, I could see their color and depth, piercing through me. Justin Timberlake loved me? It wasn't as hard to believe as JC loving me because Justin never denied how he felt about me, but wow. Mom, you didn't say anything about the guys who I hoped loved me, actually loving me back. What do I do, ma? What do I do now?
I let a few tears fall from my eyes before taking refuge back in Justin's arms. He held me tight, rubbing my back. I gently kissed his Adam's apple, feeling the storm beginning to brew between us. I wasn't trying to be forward, but I think Justin wasn't the only one who was now extremely vulnerable. I accidentally brushed against his penis as I shifted. Justin's fingers gripped my back and he groaned softly in my ear, letting me know he felt my mistake. I whispered "sorry" into his ear, as he began to suck on my neck. I pulled back, hovering over, hearing his labored breathing. I could feel Justin's hands running up my sides.
Letting a few more tears fall, I kissed his lips, sliding my tongue against the roof of his mouth. When Justin quickly flipped me onto my back, I began to pull back the fabric of Justin's flannel pajama pants, revealing the creamy skin of his backside, grabbing and caressing his skin. I knew that neither of us were thinking with our minds, but with our emotions. And that was far from sweet when it comes to us.
"Zahra, why do I feel so alone?" Justin whispered to me. Those words hit me like a dagger in my heart. He felt alone? Feeling that things had become a little bit uncomfortable, Justin hesitantly moved off me, and I pulled away. I couldn't take advantage of his vulnerability again and I couldn't let him take advantage of mine.
"I'd better get back to my bunk. Thanks for listening Zee. I'm glad you'll be here."
Justin pulled back the curtain and gently climbed down off my bunk. As he reached to close it back, I placed my hand on top of his. I didn't want him to leave, I wanted to tell him that he wasn't the only person who felt alone.
"I love you, too."
The look in his eyes when I said those words, made me feel so warm inside. He pressed his lips to my hand; his smile illuminated my sleeping area and faded as the shade was drawn to a close. I fell back onto my pillow, inhaling the scent of he left behind. Manly, rough, but an underlying twinge of a sweet aroma.
I didn't think it was possible to be in love with two men at the same time, but I was. How could they possibly love someone who wasn't stable enough to even love one man at a time? Someone send me a sign, anything, to let me know that loving Justin and JC at the same time is not going to end well.
"I'm fucked," I sighed quietly.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Chapter End Notes:
Disclaimer: None of what is portrayed in this chapter reflects the actual, realistic personality of the characters. I don't own any rights to *NSYNC, Britney Spears, or Wade Robson. However, anything horrible about Zahra Camden or Christopher Montez, is completely all me and my doing. Lol. :)
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers mmcera firsttime tourj nsasync tour jealous triangles roommates hotel otherwoman debutsync presync tourjc jc justin friendswithbenefits cheaterjc
