2000: Truth
It was finally here. The moment I've been waiting years for. I was going to see *NSYNC live. I'd been to all their rehearsals and I knew that everyone was going to be in for a wild ride. I felt like their den mother or something, watching all my bees successfully make their
honey. Oh my sweet, little bees.
JC and I didn't really talk for the next two days. I chose not to disturb his focus on the show. I couldn't stop thinking about him, though. I mean, we shared an intimate moment, and I didn't feel how I should have felt. Guilt, shame, disgust, I didn't feel that. I wanted it more than he did and it felt good. Too good. I was already craving for another go round with him. I didn't think having another person against your body was that amazing, but indeed it was. Especially a body like JC's. Contrary to belief, we didn't have more sex, it was just the one time in the hotel room. It wouldn't surprise me if he was wanting more, too.
Before the show started, me and my mom hung out backstage, while the crowd was piling into their seats. I saw JC walk out from their dressing room, totally restricted to anyone, and head down the hall. I figured he was simply ignoring me as he turned the corner, until he poked his head out and with his index finger, deviously signaling for me to 'come here'.
"Mom, I'll be right back, I'm gonna go to the bathroom," I said as I quickly got up and made my way down the hall.
Before I could turn the corner, JC pulled me and pushed me up against the wall. All I could think about was how god damn turned on I was. I had to watch myself. Sex, making love, whatever, couldn't magically fix anything between JC and I. It could only further complicate things. However, I didn't shy away when he kissed me, my knees buckled. I stared at him, shocked eyes.
"Where did THAT come from?" I asked.
He smiled and grabbed my hand, pulling me down the hall with him. I didn't have the slightest clue to where we were going, but I continued running behind him. The hall got darker and quieter as we moved further away from the stage. We stopped in front of a door and he opened it, pulling me inside before checking to see if we were followed.
"Soundproof bathroom," JC panted as he walked toward me.
"Sir," I began. "Let's not do anything stupid, well stupider, now."
JC chuckled softly. I hit the edge of the sink counter and I knew that this was exactly where he wanted me to be. Shit. Nature, make an earthquake! Oh wait, we're in New York. Uh, make a winter storm! Oh shit, it's summer! Nature, do something, anything. Please! He's biting his lip and rubbing his hands together!
"Do you know how bad I've been wanting to be with you? Let me earn something to keep my hype on stage, and later you won't regret it," he said lowly.
When JC is sex driven, the look in his eyes changed. He was very alluring. I had no idea. I can hold my own, he'll just have to wait. We'll both just have to wait. He cut me off before I could even start my sentence. Lifting me onto the counter and pulling my lips to his once again. I gently pulled away, looking at him, my fingers brushing through his hair.
"I need you to focus on the show, not on me. Don't worry. It's my last night here, and we'll make it a good one," I told him.
He grabbed my thighs and pulled me into his body, hugging me tightly. I softly kissed his neck, holding our embrace. I wanted him to leave his girlfriend, but I knew that wouldn't fix everything. I still had a real, but fictional boyfriend and I had to be careful about Justin and make sure I didn't ruin his relationship with JC and ughhhh! Everything was so much more than JC and I being together.
"You were right."
I scrunched up my face. The heck is he talking about? "Right about?"
"Bobbi."
I could see the real hurt on his face and I think it came from him knowing all along that something wasn't right. When JC started becoming bolder in his conquests of me, he knew it then. He was in such denial, though. It hurts when you realize someone doesn't love you, but what you can do for him or her. How could she think that she could do him like that?
This wasn't time for me to gloat or flaunt anything in his face. I never wanted to do that. All I wanted him to do was open his eyes wider. Once he was able to do that, he'd be able to see things the way I did, Justin did, everyone did. It was sad that Bobbi finally showed her true colors. I'd like to believe JC would've never kissed me that day he eavesdropped on me if something with Bobbi hadn't gone wrong. But as always, that day comes back to me, Justin, and something that was going on between us. I could be wrong.
"Whether you believe me or not, I'm sorry."
"No. I'M sorry. I thought she would change and, right now all I'm doing is digging up what I can find. Once I have everything I need to know, we're done," JC said.
"And then we can struggle to be together."
"Why struggle? I thought after everything I could finally be with you."
"We can talk about it later, okay?" I pecked his lips. "Go kill on that stage."
Front row seats. Front. Row. Seats. My mom and I were holding each other, excited to see our favorite guys onstage. The atmosphere was energized and adrenaline-inducing. I could only imagine the guys feeling out backstage, trying to calm down. This was it. This was their moment.
The first song was No Strings Attached. Ha. Go figure. It was great. But yeah, let's skip all that and get to Digital Get Down. Now, remember I was gushing about the floor work in the choreo. I don't know who's idea it was to put a camera under the stage during that part, but thank that person. Thank that person a thousand times. JC, licking, and the floor. I saw that on the screen and damn near passed out with the other teenies. Not to mention there was a storm brewing.
Me and my mom were screaming for them the entire time and we were pretty much out of voice when it was over. I cried. I admit it. But, it was because I was proud. I was terribly proud. To be with them through the hard work for this show, and then finally seeing it in action was amazing. How sweet the taste of success could feel, even though it's not your personal own.
We were escorted backstage and we found our designated seats, outside the restricted dressing room. We went to get a bundle of five roses for each of them. That was my mom's idea, not mine, she's a pro at this super cheesy stuff. As the filed out of the dressing room, I playfully got on my knees and praised them.
"All hail the *NSYNC Kings, we're not worthy," I teased.
"Dork," Chris said.
I got up and handed him his bundle and we all shared cheesy hugs and kisses. Moms. They escorted my mom to her ride back to the hotel while I decided to hang with the guys on the bus. It was just one this time around. I didn't have to imagine the chaos, I've seen plenty of Joe's videos from Europe. Plenty.
"I just wanna sleep, but I'm too amped," JC whined as he put his head on my shoulder.
"Me, too," Lance whined placing his head on my other shoulder.
I wanted to laugh at their goofiness, but they were too damned cute at the moment to get anything else out of me other than 'awww'.
"Awww." See? "If you guys are restless, I can help you out with that."
"How?" JC asked.
"We can talk about Algebra," I smiled.
"Oh! Look at the time, is it only 8? I am wide awake, let's start the day," Chris said.
I giggled and shooed him away. Justin was sitting quietly on the other side, looking up at the tv. He looked absolutely sweet. I'm talking rotting your teeth sweet. He must've felt me looking at him because he glanced at me and smiled. Excuse me while I gush. That smile! Had me weak in the knees for years and still never changed.
"Wanna play a game of Truth or Dare or something?" I asked all of a sudden. No idea why. The looks I got made me feel like an ass, though.
"No, that wasn't random at all," Justin cracked.
"Get bent. You see this traffic? If you think this is about to be a 15-minute ride, think again," I said.
"I'm in," Justin said.
"Me and Lance are going to thrash you all," Joey said.
"My dare's will possibly land you all in prison or the hospital, so I'm all for only truth," Chris chimed.
Everyone looked at JC. He lifted his head off my shoulder and looked around. "What are we, 14? Oh just count me in."
"Sweet, your first," I cooed. "Rules are, you have to divulge one truth. Cool?"
"Cool," JC answered.
"Name a time when you were unsure of yourself. You just didn't think you could do it," I said.
All of their eyes shot to each other and then back to JC. I could spend hours trying to figure out what they had just silently communicated with one another, but I honestly didn't want to know. I waited, JC's eyes sparkling in curiosity wanting to know what I was up to. He always thought I had an angle.....and sometimes, most of the time, he was right. This time, though, I was merely interested in killing time. There's always more to learn about people, even when you think you know them well.
"I don't even know where to begin, there's a few," JC said.
"Take your time," I said.
"Umm, when I was about 17. We were taping for MMC and there was this girl in the audience. We caught each others' eye for a second, but it felt like a lifetime. I saw her afterward, in the backlot and I was kinda scared to talk to her. It took me a while before I actually went. In the end, Dale pushed me," JC said.
I felt the icy barrier around my heart I'd worked years to perfect, begin it’s melting process. It seemed like JC was talking about the first time he and I met. But the way the others just looked at each other, I don't think it was. If that was the case, how could he be unsure about speaking to me? Back then he always drew the line between us and since I was a stranger, the line was drawn before he even spoke to me. I also didn't know Dale was involved and it wasn't only Justin like I thought. That would mean Justin never even knew JC was bringing me to meet him. Is it true that JC really played Cupid for Justin and I? Or is all of that a lie? I’m skeptical because, I obviously wasn’t the only girl on the backlot that day.
"Final answer?" I asked. He nodded, winking at me with a sweet smile on his face. I had so much to talk to JC about. "Great, that was a good answer. Uh, you next, doll."
Justin looked at me and shook his head. "Four days in NY and you already sound like you work at a diner."
I smiled and rolled my eyes. "Oh hurry up!"
"The rebel, I see. Okay, have you ever felt left out of anything? No matter how you tried, you didn't think you fit in?" Justin asked.
Too many to count.
"Back when we were kids, hanging out in Orlando. You, Jace, and Celeste. I always felt left out because I'm the youngest. All those times when Cel got to go see you guys, it sucked because I couldn't do the same," I replied.
"Zee, I'm only two weeks older than you are. I didn't know you felt that way, I thought we all had fun," Justin said.
"Yeah, how come you never said anything?" JC asked. They both were looking me with concerned facial expressions. I was simply too embarrassed to tell them.
"In terms of what we all talked about back then, two weeks was a lifetime between us," I said.
"We were kids, but I always thought you were the most mature out of all of us," Justin complimented. I smiled in appreciation. Still, a showbiz kid and a regular kid were very different. "Okay, you next Joey."
"How old were you when you think you first fell in love? And how did you know?" Joey asked Justin.
"I feel like it might've been 12." I noticed the quick glance he shot me, and my cheeks were on fire. But why? It was clear he was talking about Britney. "How did I know? I just felt different when I saw her, butterflies were an understatement. It may or may not have been actual love, but to me it felt more real than anything."
"Excuse me, I have something in my eye," Joey teased. Justin threw a pillow at him and Joe laughed. I think I actually did have something in my eye, but I kept it back.
"Me next," Chris mused. "Joey, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?"
I giggled and shook my head. "Chris!"
"Okay, okay. Did you ever think you would be in the position you're in now?" Chris asked Joe.
"No. Not at all. I sure got lucky, though right? I knew music was who I am, but I didn't think it'd take me anywhere. I was only doing what I loved to do," Joey replied. "I'm always grateful for being given a shot to even be where I am.
"Awww, Joey!" Chris teased. Joey playfully brushed him away. "Lance, you're next."
"Okayyy. Is there a moment of your life where you were really ashamed of who you were?" Lance asked Chris.
"Oh yeah, tons. For the most part it was during my younger years. We barely made it through most days. And I hated the idea of having people at school know what my family was going through," Chris replied. "I'm happy that I can finally be in the position to provide for my mom and sisters."
Instead of this game being fun and gossipy like I expected, it turned into a moment of reflection. Maybe that's what they needed, a moment to reflect and in turn be that much more appreciative of where their lives have gone.
I could feel the bus slowing, which meant we were getting closer to the hotel. I nudged JC, it was his turn. I looked over at Lance who I, up until now, didn't notice had the most fearful look on his face. What could Lance be worried about, I don't think he'd be asked anything he
wouldn't be able to answer honestly.
"What made you finally decide to stay and be apart of the group?" JC asked Lance.
I saw a wave of relief wash over Lance's face, but not much. I had to talk to him one on one, even if he didn't tell me anything, I at least wanted to make sure he was alright.
"The first time we sang together. The feeling I got, it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. And most of all because I felt at home. I felt welcome."
The bus stopped and I immediately spoke up to kill the sweet, but necessary silence. "Okay, game over. See? Told you it'd take us forever to get here."
"Yep, you were right. You couldn't just let me sleep, though?" JC said. I smacked his arm and he laughed as I stood up and began to exit the bus.
I waited for everyone, and I noticed the crowd in front of the hotel. There were fans wanting to see the guys and I thought it was best if I disappeared.
"I'll see you later," I said. I turned to walk away and JC grabbed my hand, pulling me back.
"Don't leave, experience this moment with us," JC said.
"Why? They're not here to see me," I said.
"You're Justin's assistant, remember? Better go make sure his sharpie doesn't mess up," JC teased.
I made a face at him and stayed back, waiting for Justin to come off the bus. He walked out, holding a bag, and he smiled.
"You'll rue the day you called me your damn assistant," I smiled back.
Justin threw his arm across my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. “Aww, don't worry about it Zee, there are perks that come with being my assistant."
"Which would be?"
"You're MY assistant, you assist ME in what I need assisting. Like, for example, right now I would love to feel a body against mine. You can assist me with that," Justin joked.
I elbowed him in his side and he laughed. I released myself from his hold and followed through the crowd, while they stayed back signing autographs. That's what made them the greatest guys, they were very sweet to their fans. I stood by the elevator, waiting for the doors to open and I bobbed from left to right.
"From knowing full choreo to simple bobbing, you're quite the all-around dancer."
I turned around and politely smiled. It was Wade. I tried to make my meeting with him brief and sweet. But, only because I was super protective of Justin. I know Justin said he was still trying to find out if the rumors were for sure true, but I didn't want to take my eyes
off the culprit. Oh yeah, I was watching him.
"Why thank you." I stepped into the elevator and he followed suit. I pressed eight for my designated floor and ten for his.
"You're welcome," he smiled. I felt my cheeks burn.
Okay. I cannot tell a lie. Wade was pretty damn cute. But despite that, I was feeling like a traitor right now just by being in this elevator alone with him. I made small talk with him on our way up, and quickly exited the elevator. I skipped down the hall to my hotel room and opened the door. I saw my mom watching television as she was packing up her bags.
"Hey mom, make sure you steal the shampoo and conditioner, and a bathrobe," I said.
She laughed and shooed me away. I was serious, she'd better get me a damn bathrobe. I indulged in taking a relaxing shower, then went to pack up my things. I heard my cellphone ring and it was Lance. Hmm, just the person I was thinking of.
"Hey Lancey" I greeted.
"S-O-S," he said.
I stopped what I was doing and went into the bathroom, as not to disturb my mom. And so she wouldn't hear me.
"Lance, what's going on?" I asked.
"Bobbi's in the building. Just a heads up," he replied.
Fuck. I crossed my arms and leaned against the bathroom counter. "She's with JC right now?"
"Yeah, they just made it to his room."
"Thanks Lance, you're the best. Oh and while I've got you on the phone. Is there something bothering you?" I asked.
"Me? Nope, not at all. What makes you ask?"
"On the bus, you looked pale when it was your turn to speak a truth. You know I'm here to listen if you need it," I said.
I could feel Lance's uneasiness through the phone. "I know Zee, and I thank you. In due time, I'll tell you the truth."
2000: Makes Me SO Ill
You know what's weird? I didn't wake up thinking about being grateful for seeing the guys live in New York, I wasn't thinking about never making love to JC last night, I wasn't even thinking about Bobbi popping in and JC possibly having sex with her. All that was on my mind was Celeste and what she told me. Don't let JC be my first. What did Celeste know that she knew I wouldn't understand?
My mom had already took her head-start and was probably waiting for me in the truck. I was getting ready to pick up my bag when I heard the door open. I didn't even bother to turn around, it had to be my mom.
"Ma, what'd you forget, I'll grab it on my way out," I said.
"I forgot my beautiful, caring, and understanding daughter who I could see no one else with but JC."
I spun around, not only because my mom would never say that bullshit, but because that was the worst attempt at a female voice, ever. Of course it would be JC standing in my room, but why the attempt at the female voice? I won't ask.
"What are you doing in here?" I asked.
"I'm saying good-bye to you, I don't want to share it with everyone else," he replied.
Aww, he was so sweet. Sweet enough to rot your teeth. What was he up to? I know JC and JC's either hiding something or up to it.
"Your girlfriend's here, I don't want trouble. I want a peaceful trip out of New York, you'd better go," I said.
"About that, I had no idea she was coming," JC stated.
"It doesn't matter if you did or not, none of my business."
"I didn't have sex with her."
He didn't have sex with her. That's great, I guess. Still changes nothing.
"Why?" I asked. Why the hell am I asking?
"Besides me not wanting to, it didn't feel right. I couldn't stop thinking about you," he answered.
I half-smiled and went over to hug him. I kissed his cheek. "You're a sweetheart when you're not driving me totally insane."
"Gee, thanks," JC sarcastically remarked.
"Anyway, what's with the private good-bye?" I asked, keeping my fingers latched, behind his neck.
"Nothing. I told you I didn't wanna share," he replied.
I looked into his eyes, making faces while I searched for something that could reveal the truth. He chuckled at my silly faces. "You lie, what's up your sleeve?"
"Fine. You got me," he gave in.
"Spill it, home skillet."
"Would you like to stay two more days here?" he asked.
My eyes widened. "What? YES! Duh."
"Yeah, yeah, me so crazy. I already asked your mom for permission and she gave you the okay."
"I'm staying?"
"You're staying." I smiled and pulled his face to mine for another kiss. JC walked me backward toward my bed and we lost our balance, falling onto it.
"Thank you," I said.
"You're welcome. Okay. Now really thank me," he teased.
"Pig. Let's get out of here befo--"
"Joshua! Open this door, I know you're in there!"
Oh come on, Nature. I wasn't gonna indulge, why'd you have to bring trouble? Why? I pushed JC away from me and locked myself in the bathroom. I was feeling too good to deal with this unnecessary crap right now. Trust me, this lock is for her own safety, not mine.
"Where is she? I know you were in here with her," Bobbi said.
"Calm down, she's in the bathroom," JC said.
"Josh, I'm not stupid." Coulda fooled me. "You were in here alone with her."
"Doing what in the past, eight minutes?, I was gone?"
"Who knows, she seems to be attached to all of you guys, who knows what she could get done in a short amount of time," she snapped.
"Bitch!" I quickly covered my mouth. That wasn't supposed to come out, but MAN she's pushing her luck to the max right now.
"Look, chill out and don't start this mess here. I can't have you be here and interfere with my concentration because we're arguing all the time."
"Fine, I'll leave you alone for the rest of the tour. Have fun." I heard her stomp out of the room.
I opened the door and stood against the door frame. "She needs to sort out her priorities."
2000: Challenge For The Children
This trip to New York was soon becoming one of the best experiences I've ever had. Once Balloony left, JC, Lance, and I went out to lunch. The food was plain magnificent and so was my company. We all spent more time talking than we did eating. It was nice to be the odd person out for once. I mean, JC and Lance held most of conversation and I just sat back and listened. It was cute how insightful, yet completely dorky, they were.
After hanging out with JC and Lance, that night Justin, Joey, and Chris took me to Times Square. Beautiful was an understatement. I loved LA, it was my home, but if I ever decided to move, New York City would be my first choice. The lights, the sounds, the busy streets, it was comforting. We also headed over to a club, and snuck me and Justin in with very little hassle. I had lots of fun, I danced with the guys and snuck tiny sips of Joey and Chris' drinks. I don't need to describe dancing with Justin but it was definitely sexy. Too sexy. Hot and bothered was a complete understatement. I wasn't sure if it was the New York atmosphere, but Justin was the furthest thing from innocent the entire night.
I had the basketball in my hand dribbling between hands as I stopped on the side of the court and shot from the free throw line. I kept my hand dangled in the air, soaking up the swish of the net.
"Money!" I yelled, and quickly covered my mouth. I could be a total guy sometimes.
"You're such a show-off," I heard.
I turned and smiled as JC approached me. He was wearing his Daze uniform, looking plain delicious to me. Okay, a little tidbit about me, gorgeous men plus basketball uniforms equals a drooling Zahra. I threw the ball to him and he quickly caught it at the last minute.
"Show me what you got, then hotshot," I challenged.
"After you just took my whole head off throwing me the rock, are you nuts?" he joked.
I laughed and stole the ball from him, running down the court and throwing my body into position for a layup. After hearing the net swish once more, I playfully touched myself and made a sizzling noise.
"Jerk," JC laughed.
"I'll take that as a compliment." I was getting ready to take the ball to the hole again, when something hit me. JC and I had to talk. Of course not right now, but I wanted to throw it out there. Leave it up to either of us, and things would go unsaid until one of us goes and snaps. "Josh, can we talk later?" I asked.
"Game doesn't start for another fifteen minutes, we can talk now if you want," he replied.
"No, no, I'd rather do it later so we can have some privacy," I said.
"Whatever you want," he sweetly smiled. I went to go sit in my seat, right on the floor, and watched as JC and Joey spoke to each other.
I couldn't stop thinking about our first time. I don't regret it, but I can't stop thinking about Celeste, which makes me feel like I should regret it. I also couldn't stop thinking about what JC said on the bus. If he really played Cupid for Justin and I, why would he do so when he clearly was interested in me? Why is he still pursuing me? What's all this jealousy and competition for? Was him loving me just a part of a larger puzzle piece I was unaware of?
The game was such a fun watch, it was exciting and hilarious all wrapped up into one. I tried not to let my thoughts interfere with everything, but I couldn't help it. I found myself staring at JC and Justin interchangeably for such a long time, the water was clouding my eyes from not blinking. I was beginning to let myself think that Justin and JC were both playing me. That it was their plan, and all I did was help them perfect it.
No, I'm being paranoid.
I wiped the pools of water that was held, from my eyes and tried to make it seem as if I wasn't crying. The one time I'm NOT crying, it looks like I'm having a sob fest in the middle of the guys' charity game. I quickly wiped my face and threw myself back into focusing solely on the game. I had to talk to JC.
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers mmcera firsttime tourj nsasync tour jealous triangles roommates hotel otherwoman debutsync presync tourjc jc justin friendswithbenefits cheaterjc
