2000: Sinking Before Sailing
After hanging around at the press meeting, and introducing myself to some of the celebrities who participated at the event, I found a spot to sit and wait for the guys until they were done. I had never really understood what all they had to do at these type of events. I wasn't even actively involved and I'm just about ready to go to sleep.
"Hey gorgeous, why are you alone?" I looked up and it was Joey beaming down at me. I smiled. There was something about his smile, it was warm and sweet. He himself spewed out such an exuberance.
"Hey Joe. I'm just sitting and waiting for you guys, that's all," I replied.
Joey sat down, taking the seat next to me. "Is everything alright?" he asked, the hint of concern in his voice made me feel special. He actually cared.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright," I replied.
Joey nudged me gently. "Come on, Zee, let's go for a walk."
I looked up and decided to follow suit. I let Joey walk me away from all the commotion to somewhere so quiet a pin could drop and we'd hear it. It's obvious he didn't believe my answer, he feels like I'm not alright. But there isn't. Well, besides the whole truth-tour bus
thing, and then Celeste's words about JC. Okay, so there might be something wrong.
"Talk to me," Joey finally said.
"There's nothing to say."
"Then, I'll talk to you," Joey said. I kicked around a rock with the tip of my shoe, and kept my head down. "That night on the bus, I noticed you."
Wuh-oh. "Noticed me, what?" I asked.
"I know we briefly talked about you and JC, but I didn't think there was still a you and Justin," he responded.
I stopped dead in my tracks and shot my eyes up to him. I didn't like where this conversation was heading. I should have just pretended to be happy go lucky. What do I tell him? Do I tell him the truth? It IS Joey, and he's the only one who seems to be in the dark about what's
going on between Justin, JC, and I. Lance knows and Chris knows. Though, I have NO idea how Chris knows anything because I never said a word to him. Am I starting to be more publicly obvious about the super fucked up isosceles love triangle I somehow became the master of?
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"Zee, you'd have to be blind and absolutely deaf not to know that Justin was talking about you. You guys can be oblivious all you want, but the rest of us aren't stupid," Joey replied.
I nervously rubbed my hands together. Why was I nervous? It was only Joey. I don't know, maybe it was because I knew he would keep it real with me. Not saying Lance or Chris wouldn't, but they've never really talked to me about it. Not in depth, at least.
"I don't know what to say."
"How come you didn't mention that you and Justin were back "on"?" he asked.
"Meaning?"
"I knew you guys were into each other, but I thought that when Brit was in the picture, you guys stopped having feelings for one another. I had no idea something was still there. I don't know how I missed it because the tension between you guys is noteworthy," Joey explained.
"I've always had a special place for Justin in my heart. I'll admit that I didn't want anything to do with him when I found out he was with Britney, because I was hurt. I think that's why I let myself fall deep into JC."
"How deep?" Joey asked.
I was battling inside my mind. I was scared to tell Joey the truth, and everything that was on my mind because in the process, I'd have to tell myself the truth. Again. I'm finding I always need to tell myself something.
"Too deep."
"JC's my best friend, my brother, I'd kick anyone's ass in the world for him. That being said, he's been with Bobbi for almost four years and you've been like the tag-along. Why do you let him do that?"
I've been asking myself that for years and I don't know. Simply hearing and registering what he said, was like a slap in the face. It stung. It stung terribly bad. I let the tears I felt welling up, burn my eyes.
"I've also noticed that you don't seem to indulge Justin as much as you indulge in JC. You're respectful of Justin's relationship, but not JC's. Why do you play favorites interchangably, if it seems the feelings you have for them, are equal? Perhaps maybe you love JC more?"
The mother of all questions. Yet, I couldn't answer it for the life of me. I couldn't answer anything. I don't know why I did any of the things I did. Not consciously, at least. The question stumped me to no end. My mind drew nothing but blanks.
"Do you think I do?" I asked.
"Yes, if you've been doing this back and forth thing with him for so long. I don't think you like Justin as much as you think."
"That's not true, I love Justin. I just don't love him the same way I love JC. It's not possible, since they're not exactly the same. No better, no worse, just different," I explained. Or at least tried to.
"As your friend, I'm scared for you, Zee. I have such a bad feeling about all of this. I can't speak for what could happen with you and Justin, but I know what can happen with JC."
"Joe I've tried to stop this thing between JC and I, too many times to count. Every time I do, it comes back stronger and more intense. This time, it was the most intense."
Joey's eyes looked at me in confusion at first, and immediately widened, signaling he understood. I could see that he was very disappointed in me, and I started to feel horrible.
"You didn't.”
"I know, okay. I try to control my feelings and I lose it. JC's been in my life for a long time, and he's done for me what no one else has."
"I'm sure that's true, he's a great friend. But he's also done TO you, what no one else has. You think you're the more vulnerable one, but you're not. JC is terrified of you and what you could signify in his life. When a man's scared, the possibilities of what he can do to
feel safe again, are endless. Keep that in mind."
---------
Those last words from Joey replayed in my mind all night. I came to my room shortly after our talk and I wouldn't come out. I couldn't sleep at all. I didn't answer any calls, I didn't open the door. I just wanted to get as far away from everyone as I could possibly get. I never missed home so much.
A hard knock at the door caused me to jump. I glanced over at the clock, the only source of light in my room being used, 11:48 PM. I got up, knowing that it had to be room service finally coming up with my order. I didn't even bother to check the peephole, I just opened the door. To my shock and utter surprise, it wasn't room service. It was Justin. He smiled and I just couldn't turn him away. I wasn't mad at him or anyone else for that matter, I just couldn't be good company being in my current mind-state.
I closed the door behind him and fumbled to find a lamp to switch on. I went to sit back in my comfortable armchair while Justin took comfort in my bed. He was wearing a North Carolina Tarheels t-shirt, and flannel pajama pants with socks and Jordan flip flops. His curly hair bounced as he kicked off his flip flops and sprawled on my bed.
"Can I tell you something?" Justin asked. I nodded, still not wanting to speak yet. "You've been in New York for basically a week now and besides that one night we spent hanging out, I haven't even had a single conversation alone with you."
I glanced up at him, giving him a baffled look. I wasn't sure where he was going with this. He read my look, and when he knew I wasn't going to speak, he proceeded.
"We're growing apart, don’t you think? I've only spent one night with you, and it wasn't even just you and I. I know this Montez tool keeps you occupied, bu--"
"Justin," I quickly spoke up.
"I shouldn't have said that, sorry. It's just, I have to fight for your attention these days. I know that because I've been rollercoaster riding with Brit and I haven't been able to talk to you a lot, it kills our friendship. But, I do miss you, Zee."
"Stop." I had to stop him. He was going on and on and if I didn't stop him, he'd never stop. "You're right, we haven't been spending any time together or talking much. It's not just your fault, it's mine, too. I'm sorry I haven't really been a good friend."
"I'm sorry I haven't been, too.” Justin's eyes shifted and he licked his lips. “Should we make it up to each other?"
"How?" Make it up to each other. Not slick.
"Come over here and make me feel good," he said, his tone dropping down a few notches, sending shivers down my spine.
"You're vulnerable," I said.
"So are you," he shot.
Touché.
"You have a girlfriend."
"You have a Montez," he rolled his eyes.
"I'm not gonna stop you if I get really turned on," I told him honestly.
"Neither will I," he said.
Were we going to do this all night? Justin stood up and walked over to where I was sitting. His eyes were something I'd never seen on his face before. They were seducing me, I could feel myself being seduced. Justin dropped to his knees and positioned himself between my thighs. My best bet was to not panic or show emotion. I kept myself perfectly calm as his large, strong hands rubbed up my thighs and squeezed them softly. He knew I was ticklish there and I had to keep myself from leaping ten feet into the air. He leaned his face close to mine, pulling me deeper into his gaze. It was like hypnosis. Feeling like I was losing control, I quickly thought of something to say.
"You'll be cheating on her."
"She already cheated on me," he said brushing his lips past mine.
"You don't know that for sure."
"What are you so worried about? Stop being so logical and let go for once. Let's just feel god," he whispered.
"It won't change anything," I whispered back.
Justin let out an annoyed sigh. "Why do you have to care so much about me?"
"Because you're not wanting to do this for the right reasons and I wouldn't be, either."
Justin stood up and went to throw himself on my bed, laying flat on his back, and staring at the ceiling. Okay. So, I can't bring myself to let Justin go through with being unfaithful. Joey could be right, except, I won't let Justin do it because I don't want things with him to be like
they are with JC. We, JC and I, had the most dysfunctional type of relationship. Why would I want that twice?
"I'm not sexually frustrated. If I wanted to, I could walk out the door and girls would fall at my feet. Literally. But I don't want that. I want you. You know I always have."
I got up and went to go make myself comfortable next to him. I placed my head on his arm, his head turned to look at me. God, those beautiful eyes were still seducing me, without even trying.
"I know. Anything can happen when the moment permits," I said. Besides the reasoning I just mentioned, why wasn't it this easy to say no to JC? Why has it NEVER been easy to say no to JC?
"Anything?" he asked.
I pressed my lips against his ear. "Anything," I whispered. I felt his body shudder in response. He groaned a bit and quickly jumped up.
"You're making it worse. I think I'd better go before you ignite a fire, you'll end up putting out."
I smiled. "Fine. Remember what I said," I reminded.
"I won't be able to forget it." Justin opened the door and stopped before leaving. "I know you mean well. Thank you, Zahra."
You're welcome. If only he could help me put up the resistance against JC. If only. I just fought like hell against my hormones and Justin's, but I'm starting to feel like the reason why I was fighting, didn't exist anymore. JC and I existing together, with each other, in this
lifetime? I don't think it'll ever happen.
2000: Home Sweet Insanity
Home had never been greater. Instead of playing the role of being Chris' "girlfriend", I've actually been getting to know him real well. We would be starting the Fall semester soon and I'm dying to hear about Puerto Rico. I'd only tell him about New York if he asked. Speaking of NY, JC and I never had our talk. I backed out of it. It wasn't a good idea for me to leave on the worst of terms with him. It would be best for me to sort out my own thoughts before I went and tried to communicate what I couldn't guarantee.
After rolling around in my bed and soaking up the comfort of my beloved room, I went downstairs to the living room and switched on the television. I was just getting comfortable when the phone started ringing.
"Craaaap," I said as I got up to get it. "Hello?"
"Turn on your tv." Celeste demanded.
"Oh hey Celeste, how nice of you to call," I sarcastically replied.
"Turn on the tv!" she exclaimed.
"It's on, geez."
"MTV, hurry."
I changed the channel and saw Justin on the screen. Oh no, did that thing with Britney being unfaithful get out? I had no idea what Cel wanted to me to see, but all I saw was Justin and I figured that'd be the problem. I was beginning to get worried. It's never a good sign when they show someone's picture on the news. Even if it is MTV.
"Why do they keep showing a picture of Justin walking out of a hotel room?"
"Keep watching," Celeste said.
I did as she said and listened to what was going on. Apparently, Justin was caught coming out of some mystery woman's hotel room a few days ago. There's people in other countries starving, but the world is worried about Justin Timberlake coming out of a hotel r...wait a minute.
"OH MY GOD!!"
My face was in complete shock as things began to register in my mind. That was MY hotel room they caught him coming out of. I'm the mystery woman! They think Justin was sneaking around with another woman. With me! SHIT.
"Zee?" Celeste called out.
"Huh? Cel, this is bad."
"Yes, very bad. What the hell was he doing in someone's hotel room?" she asked.
"It wasn't just 'someone', it was my hotel room," I replied.
"Oh no, please tell me you didn't sleep together."
"No, no, it's nothing bad. We were only talking. He did want more, but he was too vulnerable and I couldn't do it."
"I wonder if the guys have seen this yet. You know Bobbi's gonna go all out with this. She's probably doing so much damage to JC's thought process right now," she commented.
I forgot all about JC and his psycho squeeze. I wouldn't put it past her if he was that much further away from ending it with her, now. Holy shit, I go to New York and end up creating NSYNC gossip. Had we actually been sneaking around, having sex, I wouldn't be so shocked at the pictures surfacing and the media finding out. But we weren't. And we didn't.
"Don't remind me. He's gonna go berserk since we had s —" I stopped myself.
Oh yeah, I didn't tell Celeste that. Yet.
"You WHAT?!"
I pulled the phone away from my ear. Yep, Arizona definitely couldn't take the Bronx out of that one. "Calm down."
"Why? Why when I told you no?" she asked.
"You never told me why you told me no!" I cried.
"I told you no because you were going to get your heart broken. After dealing with Bobbi and all they've been through together, he can't possibly give you what you think he can. Zahra, he's gonna run away."
"Why would he tell me he loves me if he's gonna run?"
"Because he can have something real and meaningful with you and I think it scares him. Not to mention, the fact that he's into someone he's known since she was young, completely messes with his mind."
"I've gotta go."
"Hey, talk to me." There was plead and concern in her voice, but I didn't want to talk to her. Nothing she could say could fix what she just told me. Josh was gonna run from me? What did that even mean? He runs from me now.
"I have to go."
I hung up the phone. I was now at the point where this situation was now a big mess. It was to the point where I couldn't even attempt to clean it up. Everyone's telling me what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to feel, and what I should be thinking about. I haven't even taken a chance to breathe and really sort out my true feelings for this entire thing.
What DO I truly feel? Who do I really feel it for?
Author's Chapter Notes:
EEK! I haven't been on in a long while because I no longer have access to the internet at home. [ Boooo! ] I have so many Awesome August entries to read and review, it's making me tired. Then on top of that, yesterday I started my senior year of college. Yayyy...lol.
But, my brain has been in complete motion and I'm far ahead in my writing. So thanks for the reviews, I appreciate it. Love the feedback.
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers mmcera firsttime tourj nsasync tour jealous triangles roommates hotel otherwoman debutsync presync tourjc jc justin friendswithbenefits cheaterjc
