2001: Stuck In A Mental Trap
I got into the backseat of JC's car, sitting behind Justin. I wanted a clear shot of the side of his face in case he decided to get mouthy again. Why would JC even think I would sleep with Justin after such a romantic morning together? Is he finally realizing that we're not a
couple and never have been? I'm at liberty to do what I want with whomever I want. But I don't. Justin and I could have done any and everything. But we haven't. For some stupid reason, I feel like I'm indebted to JC. Like I owe him that much because I've been tip-toeing around his relationship, causing trouble. Thing is, I wasn't even the one who started all this. Recall who made the first move.
The car slowed and came to a stop. Without hesitation, I got out of the car and closed the door. I waited for Justin to get out, then followed closely behind him. As we approached the next door, JC walked in and the door closed, Justin stopped walking. I bumped into his back, because I wasn't even paying attention. I was thinking of what JC said about me. Do I really act like that? I didn't even think Justin and JC's spat was because of me, Chris was the one who told me it was.
"Ow, sorry," I apologized. By this time, he was already turned, facing me, leaning against the door frame. "What's the matter?"
He stood quietly, studying me. His blue eyes were on mine, and I couldn't hold his gaze for more than ten seconds. My eyes were all over him, but not his face. I saw his fingers reach toward me, and onto my chin. Gently, Justin brought my gaze up to meet his. I had no idea what was going on. I was more confused when he pulled me into his body and hugged me. It felt almost relaxing being against Justin's body. I could feel my arms wrap around his torso and tightly hug him back. It felt like an eternity before we finally released each other.
"I needed that," I said.
"I know," Justin sweetly smiled.
"Thank you. I think it's time we gave each other new nicknames."
"You're welcome. I agree. Any ideas?"
"Doll, I loved hearing myself say it with a New York accent," I
chuckled.
"Then, Sugar with a southern drawl is my retaliation," Justin laughed.
"Deal. Come on, let's go in there and make the best of today's session."
"After you, sugar."
I walked through the door, all smiles until my face fell onto JC's. All the blood began to speed through my veins. Was it anger, or was it those feelings for JC I just couldn't help? I saw the long lounge chair placed against the wall and I went to go make myself comfortable. I needed to calm myself down.
"'Sup Zahra," Chris greeted.
"What-up, dude," I greeted back.
"Alright, let's lay down these vocals. Jace, play the track," Justin said.
What sounded like the dream piano setting on a keyboard began to play throughout the studio. The song was smooth and it caressed my ears. I couldn't imagine the lyrics that were written for it because it was already beautiful on its' own. JC turned it off, mid-way and signaled for Justin to go in the booth. I made a funny face at him when he was inside, and he grinned back.
"A'ight J, first verse," JC said. Justin nodded.
I sat back quietly and waited for JC to play the track again.
I just don't understand
Why you're runnin' from a good man, baby
Why you wanna turn your back on love
Why you've already given up
See, I know you've been hurt before
But I swear I'll give you so much more
I swear I'll never let you down
Cause I swear it's you that I adore
And I give you myself babe
Cause I think about you constantly
And my heart gets no rest over you
"Stop right there. You wanna go back over and do anything or do you wanna wait?" JC asked.
I smiled at Justin and mimicked wiping my eyes. It was exceptionally easy to appreciate Justin's voice once you realized that no one could sing his part in an *NSYNC song and do it like he does. Justin held his smile together, waiting for JC to finish listening to the playback.
"Do yours and then we can go back over," Justin replied as he took the headphones off his ears and placed them back in the stand. Him and JC switched spots. This was going to suck. Mostly because my body couldn't help reacting when JC sang. He would be the only one to see me through the glass since Chris and J's backs were facing me, that is if he looked my way.
"Ready?" Chris asked. JC nodded. The song played again.
I figured they'd wait to do the chorus until Joey and Lance were present. I guess that's why I was invited to another session. Why Justin would wanna bring me to the studio? No idea, but there had to be a reason. There's always a reason.
I'll be taking up your time
Till the day I make you realize
That for you there could be no one else
I've just gotta have you for myself
Baby I will take good care of you
No matter what it is you're going through
I'll be there for you when you're in need
Baby believe in me
Cause if love is a crime, hey yeah
Then punish me, I would die for you
Cause I don't want to live without you
What can I do?
I could actually feel my tonsils quivering as JC sung the last line. I caught his eye for a microsecond and it said everything about those words he sang. Those lyrics hit me, and I resonated with them. I understood them better than I thought I ever could. The room was silent as Justin and Chris were listening to the playback.
"That was beautiful," I said quietly.
"Thank you," JC said. His voice was quiet, but boomed out of the speakers, frightening me. I didn't think he could hear me, I wasn't trying to speak loudly. But it was beautiful. You didn't have to tell anyone who heard JC sing, that it was beautiful, but I'm merely reiterating the truth.
"You're welcome."
I suddenly lost the urge to keep my hands still. I was slowly letting my anger at JC slip away, and those hidden emotions were rising. In all anger, I still felt love at the end of my fuse.
The guys spent hours going through their parts separately and a few more people came to the studio, my guess is they were the ones behind the song, and helped as well. I just sat quietly, minding my own business, observing everything that was going on. My ears didn't perk up until I finally heard them talking about the chorus. I realized I didn't even know what it was. Of course I wasn't expecting them to do it, if they were going to do the whole thing as a group, but one of the engineers decided to let Justin, Chris, and JC sing their part to see how it would sound.
"JC, you go first," Chris said. JC went back into the booth and placed the headphones over his ears. They played the track again, by this time I'd sang the verses over and over, wondering who came up with such sweet lyrics. JC focused his eyes onto mine. It was like everyone in the room vanished in the blink of an eye. I couldn't look away.
You can call me selfish
When all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless, baby
Cause I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect,
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only for you
So, what's wrong with being selfish?
The familiarity of the song was so fresh to me. This was JC's song, the one I read in his notebook. With all the time he had on the bus, he finished writing it. After one go round through the chorus, JC and I found one another's eye amidst the commotion and he mouthed "I'm sorry". Trying to keep myself together, I mouthed back "I'm sorry, too."
I meant it. I got mad at JC, yes. But I was angry at myself, too, it's never only his fault. The relationship between us wasn't built on trust and honesty. It never started that way, and that's what was killing me the most. Neither of us knew for sure whether the other could be faithful. It's just, this thing between JC and I is so much more deeper than anyone else could understand. Even me. Everyone keeps telling me that JC's gonna run away from me, but I felt like I was the one doing all the running.
That only leaves another question that settled in my mind. Did JC write that song for me or was he simply playing up the moment? Whatever the case may be, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I got up and walked to the door.
"Zee, where you goin'?" Justin asked.
"I'm gonna go get some fresh air, I'll be back," I replied.
"I'll come with you," Justin said as he followed me out the door.
I didn't protest or fight, I only proceeded out of the building. I walked all the way toward the back and found a spot, under the shade, to take a seat. It was a fairly secluded area, a bit quiet, too.
"Zee?" Justin called. I half-smiled as he came and took his place next to me. I felt his hand grasp onto mine and our fingers enclosed. As much as Justin hated to admit, he was such an affectionate sweetheart. “Talk to me."
"I don't wanna talk," I said, looking up at him.
"Then what do you wanna do?" he asked.
"I wanna kiss you and feel like we're kids again, and not two fucked up young adults," I replied.
Justin chuckled. "You know I'd jump at the chance to kiss you, but it won't make us any less fucked up. Remember the video shoot?"
"Yeah, but we'll be kissing."
"You know this sounds familiar. Like, when I was in your hotel room in New York asking you to help erase my world for just a few hours, familiar," Justin said.
"That was different, J."
"How?" he asked.
"You wanted to have sex. I'm not asking for sex, only an innocent kiss," I replied.
"That's all you're asking for? You're certain of that?" Justin asked.
"Yes. Let me," I said.
"Tell me what you’re trying to erase."
I placed my face near his neck, I deeply inhaled his scent, and placed soft kisses down his neck. Justin scooted closer to me, and pulled me into his body. I ran my tongue across his collarbone, hearing a light sigh leave his mouth. I started to bite on his neck, remembering where his sensitive spot was, as I neared closer to it. I could run away to Justin.
"Shit," Justin breathed as I reached a sensitive spot. "This isn't gonna fix anything."
I continued to kiss and bite on his neck, straddling his lap. Justin's mind didn't want to do this, but his body couldn't deny its' reaction. His fingers were soft down my back, rubbing his hands under my shirt. I pulled away from his neck, staring down into his eyes, caressing the back of his head with my fingers. I brushed my lips against his bottom one, feeling his breathing speed up. Without wanting to wait anymore, I brought our lips together. I felt both of us release into one another and he moaned softly. Justin pulled me closer, working his tongue inside my mouth, and I felt his bulge enlarge between me. I shifted upward slightly and squeezed my fingers into his shoulders.
"Stop," Justin whispered.
"J."
"How do you feel now?" he asked.
"Like trash," I suddenly felt tears stream from my eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, and cried in his neck. It truly caught me off guard, and I know it threw him for a loop. Still, Justin held me back, and comforted me.
I knew the choices I had to make. I had made.
2001: Dirty Basement
After that whole, awkward and downright challenging day at the studio, Justin stayed at my house for the night. I snuck down to the basement so I could talk to him, instead of instant messaging him all night. I closed the door of the room that used to be JC's and crept under the blanket, and into bed with him. He was bare chested, wearing only boxer briefs. Since when did he start not wearing clothes to bed? I was no better, all I had on was a big t-shirt. Justin easily slipped his arm around my shoulder, and pulled me closer to him.
"You're mom is gonna kill you if she catches you down here," Justin said.
"We're not doing anything, but talking," I said.
"Mm, for now."
"Justin can you focus, please?" I chuckled.
"I can't stop thinking about that kiss because of you," he whispered into my ear. "I told you it wouldn't fix anything. All it did was make me seriously want you."
He's definitely telling the truth. Kissing him didn't fix anything and only made me crave for him, too. I wanted Justin like crazy. The timespan of being ignored by JC allowed for Justin and I to gain back the initial closeness we had. Still, I needed to know why JC brought us together, if he was only going to end up wanting us apart.
"Stop thinking about the kiss."
Justin kissed the side of my face. "I can't. You don't understand what it was like to have you on top of me like that. Being out in public, back of the studio. It was plain sexy." The heat of Justin's body got hotter as he scooted closer to me.
"J, be good," I said.
"I don't wanna be good, Zahra. You honestly don't feel anything? Especially after that kiss?"
"I don't." It's dark, he can't see if I'm lying or not.
"Fuckin' liar," Justin remarked.
I gasped, and smacked him on his thigh. "Justin."
"What? You're lying and we both know you are. I'm not trying to complicate things between us. We're friends, and we can only experience what we draw the line at."
"Justin, you know that if we have sex, it'll mean something to both of us," I said.
"Stop denying what you wanna do with me, when you don't deny yourself for JC." I sighed heavily and crossed my arms. "What? No matter what, it always comes back to JC because I know how you feel about him. The only reason I haven't shut you out like he has is because I know what it's like to have your heart yearn for two different people. I'm not gonna fight and throw you in the middle. It won't do any good. In the end, it's all up to you. You'll want who you want."
I hated hearing this all the time. I didn't want to think about any of it. But again, as always, he was right. I brushed my hair out of my face and climbed on top of Justin. Taken aback, he switched on the small lamp that sat on the nightstand. His face looked sincere and sweet. But JC was sincere and sweet, too. How was I eventually supposed to choose one great guy when I know two were easily the ones for me?
"What's with the light?" I asked, staring down at him.
His hand brushed the side of my face. "If I upset you, I'm sorry."
"You didn't upset me. I know that I can't keep doing this back and forth. I don't want you to feel like I'm dicking you around, because this isn't a game to me anymore. I keep finding out things and it's confusing me to the point where I don't know what's real and what isn't."
"This is real." Justin brought my chin down to his, and pecked my lips softly. "Prove that you're not dicking me around. Do what YOU really wanna do. Whether we have sex or you walk away and leave, it'll be a decision that came solely from you."
I closed my eyes and settled my thoughts just for a moment. What I wanted right then. Not what everyone else made me feel like I needed. Not what everyone else wanted for me. What I wanted to do.
I kissed Justin. Yup. And I kissed him again. I took my time and massaged those lips the way I'd been wanting to since the moment I laid eyes on the being of Justin Timberlake. I wanted to let out everything I'd been suppressing for those years after our first kiss. I knew J was surprised that I chose to go this route with him, but he wasn't going to turn me away.
Justin's hands rubbed into the dip of my back, lifting up my big t-shirt. I sat up, lifting my shirt up over my head. Justin licked his lips, sliding his hands up my stomach and enclosing his fingers around my breasts. He sat all the way up and leaned his back against the headboard. He grabbed for my lips with his own and we started nipping and biting at one another. I loved how even in a moment with such intensity, we could still be playful with one another.
I played with the straps of my bra. Teasing as I slipped my arm out of each loop. Justin smirked and unhooked my bra. I leaned in closer as he ran his fingers across my bare skin; I got goosebumps. I moaned at the connection of his mouth with my breast. His tongue slid across my skin, holding my body tightly against the hardness beneath his boxer briefs. I skimmed my fingers across his tight, muscled arms and chest.
"I work out," he mused. I smirked and moved my lips to the side of his neck. "Mmm, right there."
Those soft moans of his caused me to tense up, with chills running up and down my back. I pressed my body in closer to him, feeling his stiff member slide between my folds. I wanted him something terrible. I always did, even when we were 16 and trying to get the hang of phone sex, I wanted him. Justin and I were going to have sex, and not because we were trying to make ourselves feel better to make the pain subside. As already stated, the sexual tension only made us remember what we never got to explore with each other.
We were doing this because, well, it was bound to happen. Why not now? I'm lying. We were doing this because we wanted to. Because it was easier to do this than to face our problems.
Justin's lips were on my shoulder as I maneuvered to take off my underwear. We laughed as we tickled one another, trying to remove them off my legs. He was making me smile, but on the inside I was nervous, a bit scared. He lifted me off of him and I sat on my knees watching him remove his boxers. No lie, my mouth started to water. I hadn't had sex since my first time and it was on the same status as torture, not doing it since then. The reaction between my thighs as he slid on the condom put my entire mood into overdrive.
Justin glanced up at me once he was ready, smiling sweetly. Oh god. I lunged forward, roughly beginning to kiss him, straddling his lap once again. Justin sunk his fingers into my thighs, before pulling away. We stared at one another for a second. Justin and I were finally going all the way. From our days of innocent puppy love to raging teenage hormones, this was it. Justin positioned himself and I slid down onto him slowly, feeling a little sting as my walls enclosed around his penis. I placed my arms around his neck, felt those hands grip my waist, and worked my hips up and down against Justin's. I tried to keep my voice quiet, as I rocked my hips back and forth, but a moan escaped my throat. Feeling Justin enlarge even more, filling me, I met my eyes with his, and we held the intense gaze.
Justin's hands smacked and squeezed my ass, forcing himself deeper inside of me. What a dirty boy. He was moaning and gasping, biting my nipple as our bodies smacked against one another's. All that could be heard was heavy breathing, and the sounds of sex. I put my hands on each of his thighs, fixing my leg position, and I slowly pushed into him. I threw my head back, biting down on my lip as I felt the adrenaline rush of initiating a new position. Justin's eyes were closed, his fingernails piercing into my skin as I was preventing him from moving his hips with my consistent, sharp movements.
"Fuck," Justin groaned.
After jerking myself forward, Justin pulled my hips and made my arms slip out from under me so my back would hit the mattress. My legs were in the air, arched over his arms, while my body was being slammed into his. His hands covered my mouth as he dug deeper into me. Tears formed in my eyes, as I pulled up the sheets on the bed. His hand pressed down tighter over my mouth as he sped up, not wanting me to scream. I could tell he was getting close because I could see all the muscles tighten up in his body. Finally releasing my mouth, his hands held onto my shoulders and rammed me into him rapidly.
"You gonna come for me?" he asked, panting and moaning.
Feeling that strong tingle approaching, I cried out, knowing that Justin had my body on complete lockdown. I couldn't roll my hips, push into him or anything to quickly bring that climax. He started to slow down, teasing me, when he didn't hear my response to his question. I was almost breathless at how easily he had me wrapped around his finger.
"No don't stop. I will," I moaned.
Justin smiled deviously, continuing his slow motion. I pleaded, clawing at his back, for him to go faster and put me out of my misery. His grip on my shoulder tightened as he pulled himself back. I was practically on the verge of pinching Justin's nipple, what was he doing? Justin waited a few seconds, rubbing the tip of his penis against me, then diving hard back inside me. The climax split me in two, spreading all throughout my body, invading the blood in my veins. I shook violently. The sound that left my mouth was a mix of a moan, a cry, and I think a laugh. Justin continued to caress my insides and he slowly hovered down to kiss my lips. I pulled him closer to make our kiss deepen.
"We waited too long to do that," Justin said.
"Yeah," I breathed.
There. The deed had finally been done. Justin and I finally got a taste for one another. I knew why I had to have him and he knew, too. What I didn't know, was that Justin and JC would never stop being a threat to each other if it came to me. That being said, I wasn't the one who's in the middle of them. It was Justin who was in the middle of me and JC. It'd been that way since the moment JC first introduced me to Justin. I never realized how much it's always been a battle between JC and I. Until now.
Chapter End Notes:
Song: Selfish - *NSYNC
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers mmcera firsttime tourj nsasync tour jealous triangles roommates hotel otherwoman debutsync presync tourjc jc justin friendswithbenefits cheaterjc
