May 1st. The Kids Choice Awards. I was invited to go by Lance, which was so sweet, but I made up some excuse about making plans for the movies with a few friends. I would catch up with the guys later, but as for the actual award show, I had to pass. Four words were keeping me away. Britney Spears and Bobbi Thomas. Go figure BS and BT. Ugh, Justin and JC make me sick. But anyway, there was a surprise party for Lance after the award show and that's where I would be tonight. His birthday was this upcoming Tuesday, and well, they're in LA why not party for Lance's 20th. I'd also heard from someone, cough, Lance, cough, that the reason they chose tonight was so I would be able to come. But....girlfriends are going to be in attendance at this party, so why put me in such an awkward position? Who knows. Either way, I'm going to this party for Lance and Lance only. Well....okay Joey and Chris get the benefit of the doubt because they're the ones my mom is holding responsible if I get into anything. My mom obviously doesn't know I'm going to a club. Talk about the best adult chaperone's EVER.
1999: Dis-Agree
I had picked out the perfect outfit to wear. I wasn't particularly sure my mom would let me walk out of the house in it, but good thing I was changing into my outfit in Lance's hotel room. It was a nice satin, form-fitting, navy blue, halter dress. I was wearing black Mary Jane heels, and some cute accessories. I wasn't exactly sure about what I'd do to my hair just yet, but it'd come to me. I was going to my first club, my first real club. Illegally. BUT, Lance, Justin, and Britney are no closer to legal than I am, so it's cool. I grabbed all of my things and put them into my bag along with some pajamas and my toothbrush.
"Mom, I'm getting ready to go!" I called.
I waited for her to walk out of the kitchen and do the normal grilling routine she usually does when I'm standing at the front door.
"You're going to a party like that?" she asked.
"Mom, I told you it wasn't a huge deal. Just a casual party. After it's done I'll go over to Aisling's to stay the night, I should be back home before the sun is even up," I explained.
"Alright, you're 18 now, I trust that you are old enough to tell me that you're going to a CLUB FOR LANCE'S BIRTHDAY," she emphasized.
Oh holy crap.
"Ma, now where did you hear that bull-honky?" I asked.
"Karen and I were talking and she told me what was going on tonight. Including Lance's exclusive party," she replied.
"If it's not JC ratting me out, it's his mom," I said shaking my head. "Mom, I'll be in good hands. Chris and Joey will be watching me, you have nothing to worry about."
"I know, I trust that JC will watch out for you, too. I already explained to JC what would happen if he didn't."
"Ma....you can't go around threatening to chop off guys’ manhood," I teased. She made a face at me and I chuckled softly. "Bye, I will call you the second I'm near a phone."
I opened the door and headed over to JC's jeep. I think it's safe to say that he's given me his car. He paid it off and never mentioned
anything about what he'd do with it. Regardless, I don't need him to watch me. I'd probably be stuck in some room with stuffed animals and Barbie dolls.
"Have fun!" My mom called after me. I waved and backed out of the driveway. Tonight was going to be......eventful.
There was so much hustle and bustle inside Lance's hotel room, it was crazy. Especially since he was the only one in there. Lance was under the impression that after the show, we were all going out to this fancy dinner. I'm responsible for walking the birthday boy inside his own party. In other words, I'm his "Surprise!" date.
"I'm going into the shower, enter back and forth as you please, just no peaking," I warned as I ran the water.
"You don't have to worry about that," Lance laughed.
I closed the door. I disrobed and stepped into the shower, closing the curtain. Shortly afterward, I heard the door open. I wasn't frightened since I knew the only person it could possibly be.
"I can't believe your friends cancelled on you," Lance said.
"Yeah, something came up. But it's okay, I don't mind hanging out here and watching the show on tv until it's time for us to go to dinner," I said.
Seeing as how I never made plans to go to the movies in the first place, I had no choice but to come here. All this lying just for a surprise party, which I'm sure Joey accidentally told Lance about anyway. Regardless, I was excited to be apart of it. It's been so great getting to know the other members of *NSYNC and letting them get to know me.
"Well if you get lonely, I'm almost positive Justin'll come up here and hang out with you," Lance said.
I scoffed.
"What was that?" he asked.
Uh-oh. I didn't even notice I did that so loud.
"Nothing," I said.
"You're lying, I heard you. Is something going on between you and Justin?" he asked.
Not anymore.
"No, I just don't think it'd be appropriate for him to leave an important event for me," I replied as I reached for my towel. I wrapped it around my body and stepped out, closing the shower curtain behind me.
I know it seems like I'm trying to put the moves on Lance or whatever, but it's quite the opposite. I feel really comfortable with Lance, like we don't have that sort of attraction for one another. No lie, he's hot, but he's a great friend. I don't have the thought in the back of my head that he'll make a move, like I would if it were Justin or JC. We have a different type of companionship.
"Who're you foolin'? I'm not blind or deaf, I see and hear you guys flirt," Lance said as he left, closing the bathroom door behind him.
"That's not true!" I laughed.
I put on the extra clothes I packed in my bag and went back into the room.
"I notice you and JC, too," he mumbled.
"Notice what? How much we annoy each other?" I asked.
"Sure, if annoy is code for how much you wanna sleep with each other," he teased.
I threw a pillow at him. "Go before you get late."
He chuckled. "Alright, catch you later, Zahra."
"Later." The door closed and I waited a few seconds before I moved from my spot on the bed. "I'm in a hotel!"
I stood up on the bed and started jumping around like I was 5 years old. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"Glad to see that you're enjoying yourself."
It was like I froze in mid-air. Not only was I caught, but I was caught acting stupid. I knew it was JC, I could spot his voice anywhere. But I wasn't happy about him seeing me so happy, especially since I was still pissed from the last time I saw him. I got off of the bed and sat down on the edge.
JC had on a long dark jacket, an orange shirt, and gray pants. I....yeah, I don't even know. I'm tempted to rip those clothes off him, only so I could put back on something else. I kept quiet. I wasn't in the mood to speak all of a sudden.
"Hey..."
I waved in response.
"I just had to come up and get something I left in here."
I nodded. If there was one thing JC hated, it was being ignored. I felt JC sit down next to me. He smelled so good. Yeah...I'm gonna fold like a paper napkin. Might as well accept it now while I have some dignity
left.
"Zahra, I don't know how to apologize for last time," JC said.
"Say sorry," I suggested.
"I can't....I don't think I was wrong for being upset."
I snapped my head toward him. He doesn't think he's wrong? Oh, I have GOT to hear this.
"Oh yeah?"
"You said the right thing, but you took a piece of my ego with you. Everything you said to me sounded like I was sabotaging your life. I'm
sorry that I was ruining things for you, I didn't mean to," he said.
"Josh, you know that's not what I meant at all."
"Look, we're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one, I've gotta get going. See you later?"
"Fine. Yeah, later."
He waved at me before closing the door and I threw myself back onto the bed. Agree to disagree? Sure, but I still think I'm right. Ahhh. The things I get myself into.
1999: Birthday Bash Crash
I looked in the mirror, taking in my final look. I'd decided to straighten my hair since I had two hours and I figured why not go all out? I rarely get primped up. As a matter of fact, the guys have never seen me in a dress before, especially not a cocktail one. Of course I've worn one to school dances and whatnot, but this was a different type of social event. I was around a new crowd of people who weren't necessarily my peers and were mostly celebrities. I had to look like I belonged there.
"Wow, my butt is really filling out this dress," I said to myself as I grabbed it. Don't judge me.
I heard the doorknob click and I quickly sat down on the bed. I lowered my head, I wasn't sure who it was or who it could be since it was apparent that access to Lance's room wasn't all that exclusive among his bandmates.
"Hey, you ready to go?"
Phew, it was Lance. I lifted my head up with a huge smile. Once I saw who he accompanied by, my smile quickly faded. No way. Even with my luck, I'm still surprised. That can't be who I think it is.
"Oh, let me introduce you. Zahra, this is Britney. Britney, Zahra."
She lifted her hand to shake mine. Yeah, it was who I thought it was. I quickly snapped out of my daze and politely shook her hand.
"Hi, nice to meet you," she said.
"The pleasure is all mine," I responded.
"You look so familiar. Wait, you're the Zahra that hung out with JC and Justin on the backlot of the studio sometimes, right?" she asked.
"Yeah, that's me," I replied.
"I knew it. They talked about you a lot on set. Time flies, huh?"
Right at that moment JC and Justin walked into Lance's room. Thank God, they changed. They both were sporting a nice dress shirt, slacks, and dress shoes. Hmm. Looking good. I realized how they both were looking at me. Why are they staring at me? It wasn't like a stalker stare, but one of those "wow" stares. Why am I getting a "wow" stare? Oh yeahhhh, the dress. I almost forgot about how I was dressed. I guess I didn't look as plain as I thought.
"Yeah....flies fast," I replied.
It felt beyond awkward standing amongst three people who were getting to the peak of their fame, and I was only graduating from high school. I sort of felt like I was falling far behind in my life. But...I never wanted what they wanted. The only thing I had in common with them was I also worked almost my whole life to get where I was. It also felt awkward knowing and experiencing all of what's happened, when only one person was aware.
"I see you two have been reacquainted. Are we ready?" Justing asked, glancing at me.
I nodded. "Yes, all ready."
"Great. After you, ladies," Justin signaled.
I followed Britney out of the door. As we walked I could feel two pairs of eyes glued to me. I was tempted to randomly look back to confirm, but they hadn't stopped looking at me since I was inside Lance's room. Enough proof? I swiftly guided myself over to Lance. I was literally stuck to him as we made our way down to the front of the hotel. I noticed a limo sitting right at the curb and I was praying something serious that we all weren't sharing. I'm not trying to be a brat, but two girlfriends at once is too much for me at the moment.
"Yo Lance, I forgot something in JC's room, so just go on without us, we'll catch up," Justin said.
"Are you sure?" Lance asked.
"Yeah, you and Zahra go on, we'll meet you there," Justin assured.
I knew this was the plan in motion. The driver was aware of where he needed to be heading and it was my job to keep Lance distracted so he didn't notice we weren't going to some fancy restaurant. Piece of cake. I climbed into the limo and was in awe of everything. I'd never been inside a limousine before. Prom WAS coming up, and I'd rather get all my kiddie excitement out now rather than in front of my date, whoever he'll be.
"First time in one of these?" Lance asked as he shut the car door.
"Am I that obvious?" I smiled.
"No, not at all. Pressing numerous buttons in a vehicle is normal," he replied.
I chuckled. "Ha, ha, very funny."
"Hey, um, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable by bringing Britney up and I introducing you," Lance said.
I wasn't uncomfortable, I was more shocked. Shocked in a way that she has the potential to be the one Justin would marry. Who could blame him? She's gorgeous, awesome body, singer, dancer, and flexible. Okay, that last one was perverted, but still. How do I even compare to that? Uncomfortable, I was not. Insecure about why Justin had ever even looked my way, most definitely.
"Why would I be uncomfortable?" I asked.
"You know.....because you like Justin and all," he replied.
"You seem pretty confident about that answer. Tell me what makes you think that," I said.
"I know for a fact that he's into you. But, as for you feeling the same way, I'm not totally sure, but I feel like you do. I stand by my answer."
"Hmm, well I wasn't uncomfortable. Britney seems really nice and I liked meeting her. Maybe we'll get to know each other better tonight."
"Great."
Did I sound like I was a total phony? Yes? Well I wasn't. What I said is true. She's very nice and polite, and we probably will get to know each other better tonight. Anything can happen. But as I sat in thought, I didn't realize how quiet I became. Lance probably thinks I told him a complete lie. Only, I hope he trusts that I was being genuine, although not fully honest.
I felt the car come to a slow stop and all of sudden, I felt nauseated. I wanted this to be over. The door swung open and I was helped out of the car by the driver. Okay. It was my turn to do something important. This was my chance to give Lance his time to shine moment. The second Lance came out of the car, the confusion on his face was indeed a Kodak moment.
"Justin, what's going on?" he asked.
Justin? My name isn't Justin, what the heck? I turned around and DUH, Justin was standing there. Didn't I just finish thinking this was MY
chance? What is he even doing out here? He's supposed to be inside. The annoyed look on my face was enough for Justin to read.
"Um, Zahra's gonna take you inside, I have to go to the car," Justin lied.
"Okay.....come on Zee." Lance held his arm out and I locked mine around it as we walked inside the club. It was dark and so quiet inside. How did the Chris and Joey get a club to be so silent? I mean, there wasn't a peep.
"Zahra, I saw this in a movie once, let's get out of here."
I giggled quietly as I led him through the double doors. The second they closed, the room erupted in strobe lights, music, cheers, and camera flashes. Really bright camera flashes.
"SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!"
Lance and his face, all these moments captured on camera. I can't wait to look at these in ten years and laugh my butt off at them.
"You knew!" he smiled as he embraced me, causing more camera flashes. I wasn't used to my picture being taken like that. Maybe I agreed to this before I knew what I was getting myself into. But, it's all for show. I smiled as Lance was greeted by loads of people, celebrities and non. I felt my arm being pulled and in an instant, I was snatched away from Lance. Ugh! Either Justin or JC, I'm not ready to look just yet.
"Ju..." I said as I looked up. ".......Joey?"
"Please don't sound so excited to see me," he replied.
"No! No, stop that," I said. He smiled and shook his head. I didn't ask where he was taking me because from the looks of things, I was being brought up to VIP. Wow, VIP. Once there, I saw all the familiar faces, and one I hadn't seen in a long time, Bobbi. Yes, I've finally stopped calling her names that wasn't hers. At first I really couldn't remember her name, and everything after that.....it just got ridiculously funny.
I went over and greeted everyone. I politely greeted Bobbi. Through gritted teeth, that is. I'll be civil, but it doesn't change that I still feel she's a money milking floozy. Pfft, floozy. Ha. There's something about that girl I just don't trust. I easily went to go find myself a spot to sit down away from the couples crowd. I wasn't going to purposely make myself uncomfortable. My plan was to get through tonight without causing any rifts.
"Hey."
Guess that won't be happening tonight. I turned my attention toward Justin, giving him a close-mouthed smile.
"Hi," I said.
"How have you been? You didn't return any of my calls," he said.
"I've been really busy, you know senior year is winding down. Prom is coming up, and graduation..." I explained.
"Yeah, I completely understand. Um....I didn't tell you before, but...you look so amazing," Justin complimented.
"Thanks J," I said.
"Are you gonna dance with me tonight?" he asked.
I coughed, clearing my throat. "I don't think that would be appropriate, J. Your girlfriend is here and....I'm not trying to cause trouble," I replied.
Justin gave me one of his infamous "what the hell" looks. I know that this was about to lget very ugly, but he'd have to deal with it. No way
was I putting myself into such a situation.
"My girlfriend understands that I'd wanna dance with my best friend," he said firmly.
"I'm not comfortable with it, excuse me."
I stood up, walking past everyone sitting in VIP and made my way downstairs. Dancing sounded like a great idea, actually. I made my way to the floor, seeing that Joey was also there, dancing without a care
in the world. "Where my Girls At?" by 702 was blaring through the speakers, and I boldly grabbed Joey's hand, beginning to dance with
him. Yes Joey has a girlfriend, and I'm sure that's what Justin is going to say to me when he takes me outside to talk.
.......5, 4, 3, 2....
"Can we talk outside?!" Justin had his fingers wrapped around my wrist. I looked up at him, narrowing my eyes. Don't tell me I don't know
Justin.
I turned around to face Joey. "Excuse me Joe, I'll be right back. Save me that dance!" I said.
He nodded and continued to keep partying. I followed Justin through the front entrance and leaned against the wall. I knew what was about to happen and I'd honestly try my best to make sure it wouldn't. I couldn't lose him as a friend, no matter how upset I was with him.
"Zahra, what's going on with you? You don't return my calls, you're barely speaking to me, and you completely blew me off for no reason," Justin said.
"Nothing's going on. I was dancing with Joey," I responded.
"Don't lie to me, I wasn't born yesterday. I know that something's up with you. Why can't we talk to each other all of a sudden?" he asked.
I was nervous about talking to Justin about this. I've never taken things between us so seriously before. To feel this way was new for me. I've always liked Justin, but I never thought I would like him so much. I wonder if he'll ever feel the same about me. Guess I'll never find out.
"J, why didn't you tell me that you and Britney were getting together? I mean...the last time we saw each other, you kissed me something
serious and now....I..."
Justin walked closer to me, I knew that he immediately understood what I was feeling. Yet, I barely understood what I was feeling. It was apparent that since JC and I still lived in the same house, our encounters were more than mine with Justin. What I can't understand is why I still feel the way I feel.
"To be honest, Zee, I thought you moved on. We barely spoke to each other in these last couple of months, and when we did, you sounded like you were in the midst of something. Ironic, huh?" he said as he took a
spot next to me on the wall and leaned against it. "I guess you didn't move on...."
"Not really. I am hurt and a little confused, but I'm not in any way unhappy about your relationship. I'll still be here if you let me," I responded.
"If I let you? Don't make me sound like I'm so high and mighty, I'm not. You know that I'd want you to be around no matter what. I love
you, Zahra....."
How I dreamed of hearing those words come from his lips and his voice. But for as long as I've known Justin, I know that his meaning isn't the meaning I wanted from him. He didn't love me the way I wanted him to love me. Regardless, he was my best friend and I needed to be a better one myself if I didn't want to lose him.
"I love you, too, Justin. I'm sorry about the way I've been acting lately. I should've talked to you instead of ignoring how I felt," I said.
"It's fine, now let's go back in there and get this party started right."
I smiled as I locked my arm with his, following him back inside the club. I was happy for him, I really was. I won't deny that my heart felt like it was stung by a bee, though. I could see how much he really loved Britney. He loved her the whole time...
"Zahra!" I shot around and scanned the club to see who was calling me. The strobe lights were going and it was hard to see anyone. I heard my name again, but this time it was accompanied by a touch on the shoulder. I followed the hand up to the face. It was JC. He was smiling hard at me. Too hard. Is he drunk? Already?!
JC tapped Justin and whispered something to him. Justin nodded and unlocked our arms. Um, what? I'm super curious, they know my eyes start twinkling when I see whispering.
"I'll come find you later," Justin told me.
I nodded and let JC whisk me off. Once I snapped back into reality, I saw that JC was leading me further and further away from the music. What was he doing? Oh hey, here's a suggestion: why don't I ASK? I wasn't scared or anything, but I can bet it won't take long for Bobbi to notice that her boyfriend is gone. And so was I.
"JC, where are you taking me?" I asked.
"You'll see, just come on," he replied. I followed him through the back hallways of the club and JC opened the door to some sort of champagne room. It was crazy nice. I felt, though, that we weren't supposed to be back here. Or, I felt that I wasn't supposed to be back here with him....alone.
"This is beautiful," I commented.
"Yeah, it is pretty nice, huh? I wanted to be alone with you away from all the festivities."
Alone with me?
"Why?" I asked.
"To talk to you," he replied.
He's lying. The flirty smile on his face said it all. It said everything. W....he thinks he's slick, huh? Let's see how this goes.
"Talk to me...okay. Talk," I said.
"First, I have to say that you look absolutely stunning. That dress, your hair, that dress," he said as his eyes scanned me.
I chuckled. "You said dress twice."
He bit his lip and nodded. "I know."
I giggled. Ugh! Why? I always get caught up in him. He's just so....ah! I know it's beyond stupid to let anything happen between JC and I, but with the way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I care enough.
"JC, why are we really in here?" I asked.
He exhaled loudly. "I um, I wasn't expecting to get mad at you the last time I saw you. I know I told I was right earlier, but I wasn't. I was
wrong. I was so mad at you and during that time I came to a conclusion. I feel like I can’t trust myself around you," he explained.
"You can't trust yourself around me?" I repeated. "Meaning what?"
"Meaning I can't control myself when I'm around you. Zee, we live together. That's why I kept it a secret when I came back. I'd rather we keep things that way. I didn't wanna argue then, but right now this is what I have to do," he said.
I was so confused. JC sounded desperate, like he really needed me to agree to his avoiding me. What was going on? I've never seen him like this before.
"Why can't you control yourself around me?" I asked. Am I pushing my luck right now?
"You're such an interesting girl. I mean look at yourself. You're intelligent, funny, and an amazing person to be around. Even though we're completely different, it's like I've been attracted to you like a magnet, Zahra. And that's the reason why I think it'd be better if......I started looking for my own place."
Who was I speaking to right now? It couldn't be Joshua Scott Chasez. No, it couldn't be. This didn't sound like JC to me at all. In all the years I've known JC, I know when something is coming from JC and when something is coming from another person. I felt my anger rise. The mixture rejection and hurt piled on top of this fresh rejection and hurt was brewing in the depths of my stomach and rising at an alarming rate. I felt my breathing speed up.
"Jace, who is this coming from?" I asked.
"What do you mean who? It's coming from me," he replied.
I stared into his eyes. It was like plastic. I saw clear, right through them. I knew it. I know the reason for this entire conversation. That....that Barney is making him say this. I began to stand up and JC threw his arms out to grab me. He locked his arms around my waist. My
short legs and arms were wriggling out in front me, trying to grab something so I could pull away and get to Bobbi.
"Zahra calm down!" JC said.
"She's trying to take you from me and you want me to calm down?!" I screamed.
I let the words I said sink into the air. If JC didn't think I cared about him before, he did now. I don't want JC to move, especially if
he's not ready to. JC doesn't make just stupid decisions when it comes to money being involved. He, with no offense intended, is such a cheapie. If rent is cheap here, which it is, he'll stay. He's never mentioned this to me before, now all of a sudden he's deciding to move?
"Take me away? I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're stuck with me forever. No matter where we go," he whispered into my ear.
I stopped struggling to get free and my arms dropped down. JC's breath in my ear turned my entire body to jello. It was only a matter of time before his lips gently touched against my neck. They were cool and a bit damp.
"You see? This is the reason why I have to go. I can't be faithful to her when I'm around you, Zahra. I can't do it. I've tried and it never fails, we end up kissing," JC said.
"She's making you choose and you've already chosen..."
JC grabbed my chin, turning my head before covering his lips with mine. My natural reaction was a moan as I released the tension in my body. JC's hand rubbed down the fabric of my dress. In my JC sobriety, I never did forget how much I want to feel his hands on my body. I placed my own on top of his and let them follow his trail. I was angry at myself for wanting his hands to caress and grope me. But the sadness I had outweighed everything. I wouldn't have one of my closest companions so close anymore.
"Please don't leave...," I breathed.
JC held me; I could feel the warmth of his body. My backside was pressed tightly against the front of him. He wanted me. I wanted him. I really wanted him. Just like I always did, that never changed. But I almost believed that....I needed him. JC let go of my body and backed away from me.
"Zahra promise me you won't hate me forever."
I watched JC walk away from me. I slumped on the couch. I know I'm wrong for wanting two men that I can't have. But am I wrong for wanting to fight for my friendships?
1999: Birthday Bash Crash 2
I began to feel like coming to this party was a huge mistake. I should've known that I would be caught up in at least ONE drama tonight. Instead of keeping to myself and having a swell time, I let myself get swept away by Justin and then JC. Now....now I feel like shit. Joy. BUT with all that being said, I wasn't going to let my emotions stop me. I wanted to make sure I didn't ruin Lance's night. I'd never forgive myself if I did. It's been decided. I'm going to dance with whomever I like and if there IS a problem, it won't be started by me.
I sat quietly, back up in the VIP area, looking down at all the club guests partying it up for Lance. I randomly glanced around my immediate space and caught Chris' eye. I smiled politely and stood up, walking toward him. I put my hand out in front of him.
"May I have this dance mi'sir?" I asked.
He smiled and placed his hand in mine. "Okay, but don't try any funny stuff, miss."
I giggled as I pulled him down the stairs to the dancefloor. Our dancing was completely innocent, especially since he was 10 years my senior. There were cameras in here and I didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea. Besides, Chris thinks of me as a little sister and I feel the same. He's the best big sister, I've ever had.
"Zahra, I can't dance for not one more song. I'm too old for this!" he joked.
"Aw fine you big baby! Come on, let's go get something to drink!" I said.
"You go back up, I'll get you some water!" he offered.
"Thanks!"
As I began to walk up the stairs, I ran into JC halfway. He took my hand and led me back down to the floor. Man, I can't keep going up and down the stairs in these shoes. One or two more times and my feet will fall off. Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill was blasting through the speakers. This was one of his favorite songs and I was thrown by him choosing me for such a slow song. He pulled my waist tightly against his, lifting my arms to wrap around his neck.
"JC.....," I began as I looked into his eyes, which were already attached to me.
"Don't say my name. Every time you do that, something bad follows it. I only wanna dance with you, and possibly sing to you because I love this song," he teased.
"Considering our little discussion, I'm confused as to why you're even dancing with me," I said.
"This is why I wanted you to promise you weren't gonna hate me. I'm getting my own place, I thought you'd be happy for me."
"I would be happy if I felt like you didn't have help deciding this."
"Zahra come on, lay off alright. Let's just dance."
"Fine, we can dance. I don't think we've ever slow danced before, though," I said.
"I'm sure we'll share many more. Oh and speaking of dancing, when's your prom?" he asked.
"Right around the corner, two weeks from now," I replied.
"Do...do you have a date?" he asked.
I snorted. "Nope. I've been hearing that someone was supposed to ask me though. You know how high school can be, all rumors."
"Zahra, do you even date any guys from school?" he asked.
Yeah! That one ti....wait no, that didn't happen. Oh and that other tim...nope, that wasn't even me.
"Pfft, yeahhh, there was this one time at b...oh no that's a movie. I.....guess I don't," I replied.
"You give anyone a chance at all?"
"I don't know. There's a select few guys that are my closest friends. I don't think I ever paid attention enough to notice if any of them were
into me in a certain way, though....wow that's pathetic."
.....pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. Ooh, did I mention pathetic? When did my life become this vicious circle of me, Justin, and JC? Summer of 1993 in Orlando, Florida. That's when.
"You're not pathetic. To be honest, I don't know if I could handle you dating someone else," JC said.
"But....you date someone else...." I watched the sparkle in his eyes disappear in an instant. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was only telling
the truth.
"I meant that it’d be weird because I also feel protective over you.”
"How do you continue to date someone else if you feel like that? By this time I already know you like me, you can't deny it anymore," I
whispered into his ear. Even though the music drowned out our conversation anyway, I want him to actually listen to what I said to him.
"It's complicated, you know that."
"Yeah, I bet it is," I snipped.
JC spun me around, pressing his body against my backside. His arms shot into the air, rolling his body against me as I swayed my hips in the same direction. It was too late before I noticed how lost in him I got. I loved to feel him against me and that's where I got in trouble. I let his hands touch me in places that if it wasn't so dark, there'd be a problem. As if I didn't feel there was one already.
This isn't a good idea. In fact, this is the worst possible idea on the planet and I need to get away. I can't dance with JC anymore, I have to pull away now. The second I began to turn around to let JC know the deal, Joey came over to cut in. Yes! Saved by the Joe. I willingly excused myself. The look JC had on his face, said it all. But we didn't have to go through this shit again. I kept letting him reel me in and he ends up leaving me hanging. Every single time. And I let him, because I was so blinded by my love for him.
1999: Oh - After Party - Crap
Lance's party had a great a turnout, it ended at about 2 am. Besides all the personal things I had going on, I had a really great time. Probably the best time in a long while. JC invited everyone back to my house for a smaller gathering. The plan was just to hang out until everyone passed out from being tired. I honestly didn't want to stay in the basement, but Lance talked me out of it. His exact words were, “Come on, don't be a party pooper."
I was fairly quiet. I wasn't in the mood to talk, and I listened to everyone else chatter amongst each other. I would get a look from Justin and a look from JC every once in awhile. But the only look that got me riled up was from Bobbi. What was she up to?
"So, Zahra, how long have you known JC and Justin?" Bobbi suddenly asked. All eyes shot to me, and the only innocent look was Britney's, everyone else seemed know otherwise.
"Um, since I was about 12," I replied politely.
"So you all grew up together, isn't that cute. I remember JC saying you had a crush on him and Justin, was that true?" she asked.
Oh that sneaky, money stealing, bitch.
"No, but I heard that you were a g--"
"Zahra, when's your prom?" Joey asked quickly. Saved by the Joe. Again.
"Um, in two weeks," I replied.
"Great, do you have a date?" he asked.
"Of course she doesn't, she's too busy trying to take what doesn't belong to her," Bobbi interrupted.
I felt the blood leave my brain, racing through my veins, and boiling to maximum temperature. I began to breathe heavily. My fists began to ball up. JC quickly grabbed Bobbi and pulled her upstairs. I began to bite down on my bottom lip and bounce my leg up and down. Lance grabbed my hands, trying to calm me down.
"I'm gonna call it a night. Britney it was nice to see you again, hopefully we don't lose touch. Joe, Chris, Lance...I had a blast thanks to you guys. Justin, be my security guard and walk me to my prison, please?"
He nodded and walked up the stairs ahead of me. My sole intent on going upstairs was, in all honesty, knocking out Bobbi's front teeth. But I know that with Justin and JC there, I wouldn't even be able to get to her. Lucky bitch.
As we were walking out of the kitchen to head to the staircase, I heard angry whispering in the den. They were arguing, obviously over me. Guess she saw us dancing and she has night-vision. Doesn't surprise me since she's an evil bat.
I was safely escorted to my room, where I plopped face down into my bed. I felt pressure next to me, and I concluded that Justin was staying with me for a minute.
"Zahra, what was that about?" Justin asked.
"Ask McBitchy down there," I replied.
"No, I meant....do you and JC have something going on?" he asked.
"Why does it matter, Justin?" I asked.
He registered my response and stood up, walking toward the door. I couldn't keep myself contained, I began to cry. I hated crying, I hated people seeing me cry, but I cried. Justin stopped in his tracks and turned around. Immediately, he was back sitting next to me.
"Justin....I don't like feeling the way I'm feeling. I hate it. I can't even express to you how much I hate it. I'm frustrated because I'm always so confused about everything."
"Zee.."
"And then HER? She comes into my house and has the nerve to stir up trouble in front of everybody?"
"Maybe she was only pointing out what some of us were wondering about..."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, wiping away my tears.
"I'm not an idiot. You don't have to tell me something was going on between you and JC, I already knew. What shocks me is you let me think that you liked me."
"I do like you Justin," I said.
"Right...you liked me so much, you were kissing me and doing things with my best friend, too?"
"Justin...."
"You know why I moved on, Zahra?" he asked. "Because once I realized what was going on between you and JC, I was hurt. I felt exactly the same way you do now. Stupid and played. You can't expect Bobbi not to be upset when it's obvious you were doing things with her boyfriend. God Zee, what kind of fantasy world do you live in?"
I didn't even bother to look at him. He was right, but I didn't want to hear all that. I didn't want to hear anything he was saying. I wanted him to tell me I was right, not that I was the bad guy in all of this. You know what? With the way I'm feeling right now, I don't even care.
"Yeah, okay," I finally said.
"That's all you have to say?" he asked.
"I need to go to bed, have a safe flight."
"Fine Zahra. You're still my best friend and I still love you. I only hope that you know I said those things because I truly care about you. Don't hate me."
He stood up and left, closing the door behind him. I changed out of my clothes, hit the light, and dozed off. I was done....with everything.
