I shut the entire world of pop superstardom out of my life. I didn't make calls, I didn't take calls. I became completely immersed in school. I spent all my time doing homework, studying, and hanging out with friends whether it be for school activities or just fun. Though I was avoiding the first and last letters of NSYNC, a part of me wouldn't let myself miss everything. I saw their VMA performance on MTV, it was great. I was happy for them. I watched their Pay-Per-View concert special, which was also amazing. I was glad to see that things were working out so well. For all of them.
I can't say if I knew when JC was home or not. To be honest, I'm not even sure he lives here anymore. It's been a long time since I've seen or talked to them. Almost half a year. I did keep in touch with Lance, though. He kept me up to date what was going on. But he forgot to
mention one thing.
1999: Trust > or = to Friendship > Betrayal
I was astounded when I turned on the news this morning. NSYNC was being sued by Lou Pearlman. Okay, time out. Isn't this Lou guy the one who signed them? Why out of the blue is he suing them? I left my room and ran downstairs to the living room. I had to ask someone who probably knew more than I did. My mother. Yeah, seems funny, but the guys have never had a problem talking to my mom. She is older and can give them wise advice. And I'm sure that during this time, they've been talking to their own parents as well.
"Moooom! Madre!" I called as I walked past the kitchen and over to the dining room. No one to be found. I walked back to the living room, checked the office, but she wasn't there. What's going on? I just heard her no less than 10 minutes ago and her car is still here. Where could she....aw no. She was downstairs and that could only mean...
I went to the door and placed my hand on the knob. I took a deep breath. I....I can't go down there. I just can't. I started taking steps back, until I ultimately ran back to my room. I shut the door, then turned my television back on. I wasn't ready to see or speak to anyone. I also didn't want to bring on more stress. I guess I didn't need to find out right then what was going on. They were going to be on tv soon, so I could find out from there.
I stayed up in my room for as long as I could. I heard hushed chatter downstairs, so my only assumption was that my mother and JC moved their conversation up to the living room. How am I supposed to go about seeing someone I've been ignoring for six months? There was no way to explain that in front of my mom; she has no idea what happened.
"Yesterday....all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay, Oh, I believe in yesterday....”
No idea where that came from. But now I had to play the song. I looked for my Beatles album and placed it into my CD player. I put on the song and let the words fill me.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly....
Why....she....had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say
I....said....something wrong, now I long for yesterday
"Yesterday...love was such an easy game to play..."
I froze dead in my spot. My knees felt weak and my stomach was in knots. The small, almost nonexistent, hairs stood on the back of my neck. That voice. It seemed to sound better every single time I heard it. I didn't want to turn around, I knew who I was gonna see and I didn't want to see him.
"Why....she....had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say. I....said....something wrong, now I long for yesterday..."
And yet I'm gonna hold my tears and turn around.
"Hi, Zahra."
Time seemed to slow down, as if I was seeing JC for the first time in my life. I was looking into his eyes and I felt my composure slipping away. The tears started to well up in my eyes, clouding my vision. JC stayed perfectly still, watching me, probably unsure of what I might do. The Beatles were still playing in the background. I dropped my head to hide the fact that I was now letting tears cascade down my face. I had so many emotions inside me and my heart chose to let them out now. I threw my arms around JC's neck and hugged him. I didn't know what else to do. I figured I must have caught JC off guard since he didn't hug me back right away. I started to get a feeling of being embarrassed, until I felt his arms wrap around me, tightly.
"Zahra. Hey, don't cry, don't cry," JC consoled.
I took a minute to get myself together and once I did, I offered JC a seat. I needed to explain myself to him. Hell, I needed to explain myself to myself. I have no idea what just happened here. In all of these six months, my emotions have been brewing and contained. Hearing JC sing was the strong force breaking through my barrier.
"Um. I--," I started.
"Six months, and everyday I thought about you. You've been avoiding me...why? What'd I do wrong?" JC asked.
"Josh, The last time I saw you was my most embarrassing moment to date. And I didn't wanna be apart of it anymore," I replied.
"I'm sorry about what happened. I never meant for things to get so terrible. I hadn't heard from you, Justin hadn't heard from you, we've been worried."
I scoffed. "Yeah right. Why would you both be worried about me? You each have someone to occupy your time, I just needed to occupy mine."
"Zahra, don't be that way. You know that we both love and care about you, just like we know you love and care about us."
I do love and care about them, they're my best friends. I shouldn't have pushed them away, but it was the only way I knew how to keep myself out of the drama. I didn't want Britney to feel like she had to be cautious of my relationship with Justin. Actually, Justin made it clear that our relationship was purely platonic. At least I think he did. Yeah. I think.
"I do love and care about you guys. But please understand that I don't want to be a threat to your relationship, so if you decide to move out or have done so already, I wish you the best," I said, half smiling.
JC smiled, ruffling his hair with his fingers. I wasn't sure how genuine I sounded to him, but I did mean it. There was no way I'd be patting myself on the back if JC wasn't comfortable staying in the house. I wouldn't be able to even look at him knowing he was miserable here. He's 23, a grown man, and thanks to being apart of NSYNC he's more prepared than ever to be on his own. It's selfish of me to hold him back, even though I can't imagine this house without him now.
I blinked repeatedly as I felt my eyes start to well up with tears again. Nope, no, suck it up Zee, not right now. I took a deep breath and composed myself.
"I don't know what makes you think you'll ever stop being a threat, but you're terribly misinformed."
What is he talking about? JC always has to say the smoothest lines ever. He doesn't even know he's smooth because he's so serious about what he said. But, me always being a threat? That's the smoothest of them all.
"Excuse me?"
"You'll never stop being a threat until I have you. Even when I don't have you, I'll still want you."
My heart started racing. See? Smooth. Why the hell would he say that to me if he can't back it up at all? Why do forces keep working against me? I don't want to be in the middle of a love triangle.
"Tel me what you mean," I said.
"What's so hard to understand? As long as you're still walking on this earth, you'll be a threat to every relationship I'll have."
I don't know how to feel about that response. Why won't he just let me go? What is so special about me that JC continues to risk his relationship?
"You don't have to let me be one, JC."
"That's right, I don't but...I honestly can't say that I won't let you be one. I love Bobbi, I do, but I can't help but think about what's been festering between us for so long."
"I don't know what to say."
"Say that you won't stop fighting for me, because I won't stop fighting for you," he said.
"How am I supposed to believe anything you say right now?" I asked.
The bottom line was, he had a girlfriend. It was becoming hard to accept that he had feelings for me. I'm not in the wrong about this, I know I'm not. I don't want to be one of those delusional girls. You know, those ones who believe that their mister is going to leave his wife or girlfriend because he says he "loves" her.
"You're supposed to believe me because I've been showing you how much I care about you," he replied.
I shook my head. "Know what JC? You didn't even want to admit you had feelings for me to begin with. When I told you yes, you denied it and told me no. How do I know you're not sticking around so you can keep me as your number one fan?"
JC sighed heavily, dragging his fingers through his hair, obviously frustrated. He stared at me with stern eyes. I could tell that with every word I said, I was shattering his heart by the dozens. As much as he thought he was hurting, it hurt me even more to realize that he didn't care about me enough to stop me from ruining his relationship.
"What do you want me to do so I can prove to you that I want to be with you?"
Break up with Bobbi! Duh!
"When you figure that out Josh, you'll let me know," I replied.
"Zahra."
"Jace."
He chuckled softly. "You're such a stubborn jackass."
"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?" I shot.
JC shook his head. "Touché. You gonna come visit me?"
"Visit you where?"
"My new apartment," he replied.
"New apartment?" I repeated. He moved out. He really moved out. I wasn't expecting him to actually move out. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I wanted you to be the first to see it," he replied.
1999: The Apartment
This isn't a bright idea knowing that I haven't seen JC for six months. I just had to see where his puppet-master, also known as his girlfriend, picked out for him to live. I decided to let him drive his jeep, since he hadn't been behind the wheel in a long while. I sat quietly, listening to him hum softly along with the radio.
"I miss this," I said. It was sudden, completely off the wall and out of nowhere, but I've been thinking about it for the longest.
"Miss what?" he asked.
"This. Right now. Being in the car with you, hanging out, I miss us before all these emotions became involved," I answered.
"The only thing that has changed is how we're handling our emotions, not us."
The car came to a stop and I looked around not even noticing how short of a drive it was. I got out of the car, taking in my surroundings. This was more than familiar, I'd passed by here a few times. His apartment wasn't really an apartment, he lived in a freakin' house. Why would he downplay where he lived? It was in a gated area and eerily quiet. I tip-toed behind JC as he walked up to his new home and he let me in ahead of himself. I was in awe, it looked so small from the outside, but it was a vast amount of space.
"Wow."
"Come on, I'll give you a tour," JC said as he grabbed my hand.
We were already in the living room, he showed me the kitchen, his dining room, and the patio. The kitchen had marble counter tops, with wood finished cabinets. The floor was tiled nicely, with all stainless steel appliances. The dining room had a wood floor and a nice modern dining table set for six. There was a beautiful hanging chandelier, which could adjust light dimness. The patio was a nice size. JC had set up patio chairs and a table on it, and his yard space was grassy and spacious. I was beginning to feel beyond comfortable here. There was such a "home" feeling to it.
I was a bit unsure when he took me upstairs; it went straight up from between the front entrance and the living room area. The steps were coated in a new champagne-colored carpet and the rail was a sort of cherrywood, I'm not all that sure, but it was nice. JC showed me the first two bedrooms, they were very simple. Only a bed and dresser were in each of them, but the closet spaces were amazing. The bathroom was so nice; there was a bathtub AND a separate shower. Next on the tour came the master bedroom. JC's bedroom. I was instantly in love. The room was huge, with high ceilings, and a ceiling fan that looked like it was made for the year 2003. He had this king size bed and drapery that hung from the ceiling hovering over it. I am so jealous.
"This is beautiful," I complimented.
"Thanks. Hey, you know that extra room over there?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"If you ever need to just get away, it's always open for you."
"That's so sweet. Thank you."
"No problem. My bathroom is a bit messy, so I won't show you that until I get it together," he smiled.
"That's fine," I laughed. "I better get going." I began to unlatch my fingers from his.
"Don't," he said softly. His index finger held onto my middle one, taking my fingers one by one as he pulled me back to him. "Don't go."
"JC," I began.
"I'd like to share a moment with you in my new place."
JC wanted to share a moment with me. He wanted me to be the first one he kissed and touched and said he loved? Impossible. There's no way I believe that Bobbi wasn't here before I was. I don't understand why JC wants to keep pulling me back into this, when it's all very simple what he could do.
"Am I really the first person who has been here?" I asked.
"Yes, you are. I haven't told anyone I moved except for the guys, but they still haven't been here yet. You're the first, I swear it," he responded.
"Okay, what kind of moment, JC?"
"Hug me."
I twisted up my face in confusion. He wanted me to hug him? It was if JC read my thoughts because he nodded slightly and opened his arms. I walked into them and swung my arms up, crossing around his neck. His hands were placed against my back, softly rubbing up and down.
"You probably might not believe me, but I missed you more than you'd ever let me show you," JC whispered into my ear.
"Shit," I mumbled.
JC knows that I wasn't avoiding him because my feelings for him changed, but because neither of us could keep ourselves in control. I didn't like being humiliated and I ESPECIALLY didn't like being humiliated by Barky. She decided to show herself in front of everyone on top of trying to get Britney to play on her side. I don't want to lose Justin as a friend either because of all this drama.
He was doing the very thing I didn't want him to do. His hands rested against my lower back. I felt his body inhale and exhale as he was breathing. The scent of his cologne became frozen inside of my nose, the only thing I was taking in. Once I felt my hidden urges begin to boil in the pit of my stomach, I knew who had won this battle. I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid, yet my fucking stupidity isn't stopping me. I rubbed my fingertip against his chin and softly pecked his lips. I saw his pupils dilate and he pecked my lips back. Before I could make my next move, JC's lips were covering mine, initiating our first actual kiss in months. I pulled on his bottom lip, kissing down his defined chin to reach his neck. I slid my tongue across the side of it, taking the skin between my teeth at times.
"Ah. Mmm," JC moaned. It came out of nowhere, catching me off guard a bit. I think I found a sensitive spot. His hands dug into my lower back, and his breath was warm against my ear. He began to walk me forward until his lower backside hit the edge of his bed. There was a little step, with two stairs, and JC climbed onto his bed. His hands grasped my waist and instantly I was lifted off of the floor, with both of my legs over each side of his body.
"JC."
"Zahra you're killing the mood. Shut up and kiss me," JC quipped as he took my chin and pushed my lips against his.
I gently placed my hands on his chest and pushed him. He dramatically fell onto his back causing me to fly forward. I caught myself, the top half of my body hovering over his. I went right back to kissing the spot on his neck, running my fingers up his arms and pinning his wrists down. I heard another sexy moan in my ear; this time it came along with a firmness I felt against my thigh. Shit, shit, shit. He lifted his body up on his arms and carefully switched our positions. He signaled for me to place my head on one of his pillows, and I did so. What was he going to do? Better yet, am I about to let him do it?
JC placed his body between my thighs, kissing me again. By this time my hair was out, spread across the pillow. The passion marks on my neck were evident and defined. My top was being pulled up over my head and taken off. JC's kisses traveled from my neck to the middle of my cleavage. His lips were soft, a little damp. He placed his eyes back on mine while his fingers toyed with the strap of my bra. Was this really about to happen? Were we about to have sex?
"Zahra, we don't have to do anything you don't want to," JC said. I guess he saw the worry on my face. I tried to think about the consequences and with no surprise to me, I let my hormones drown out those thoughts.
I placed my hand on my shoulder and pulled down the bra strap. JC kissed the next shoulder, pulling down the strap, and forcing his hand under my back. He unsnapped my bra with his fingers, slowly taking it off. His eyes were glued to my now revealed breasts. I wasn't sure if he was in shock or turned on, but it didn't stop him from placing his lips on me. He circled his tongue around my nipple, it drove me crazy.
Once I let out small moan, JC's soft and gentle approach went right out the window. His teeth bit down on my nipple while his hands began to fidget with the button on my jeans. His tongue trailed down my thigh while he was taking them off.
My legs were bare, the only piece of clothing being my underwear. JC came up on his knees, then pulled his shirt up over his head. I rubbed my fingers across his biceps, his skin was so soft. I trailed my fingers down his chest until I met with his jeans. I began to undo the
button, taking down the zipper. What the hell am I doing? JC took the reins and stripped down to his boxers. The sight of his "V" made me hot, his body is so great. I pulled him by his neck and began to roughly kiss him. I wanted him and I wanted him now. He fell back between my thighs, where I forced my hand between our bodies and into his boxers.
"Fuck," JC quietly moaned.
I wanted to feel all of what made him a man. I probably wouldn't be doing all of this if it wasn't JC, but the mere reason I am doing this is because it is JC. I felt his firmness and my body's natural reaction began to happen. As I pushed and pulled the skin in my hands, I closed my eyes, listening to the sound of his moans in my ear. I was in a complete state of bliss. No one hate me for what I'm about to say.
"JC....make love to me..."
JC's head shot up and he stared into my eyes. I guess I shocked him, too.
"I'm gonna take my time."
He pulled my hand from in between us and lifted my arm above my head. For the first time in all my years of knowing JC, he was looking at me like he felt something real for me and I believed it. JC kissed my lips as I felt his hand slide down my stomach, beneath my underwear.
"Relax," he whispered into my ear.
I nodded slightly and released all the nervous energy I could in one breath. While I was letting go of air, I felt his finger slowly glide inside me. I winced, feeling my body tense right back up. JC repeated the word 'relax' to me and slowly pushed his finger deeper.
My hand squeezed his back. "Jace."
JC pulled his hand back, then pushed forward again, establishing the motion he wanted. I know he didn't push as far as he could have for my own expense, but I didn't mind, all I cared about was that he was here with me. I gasped at the feeling that washed over my body. This really felt good. Huh. I see why so many girls experimented in school now.
I placed both my hands on JC's back and widened my legs. I felt chills down my spine, feeling the push and pull of his middle finger. I placed my face by his ear so he could hear me. I already experienced that it was something he enjoyed. His face was getting red, he was getting so turned on. Why didn't he just get to what we both know he wanted to do? What was he waiting for? As I felt his finger creep deeper into me, my moans rose, he was hitting a certain spot that had my knees buckling while I was lying down.
"Oh my god," I moaned.
I was digging into his back, his pace continued to be steady and I was practically begging him to go faster. He wouldn't, though. JC knew what he was doing, he knew what he wanted to accomplish. I, on the other hand, was clueless. I realized, as I approached my climax, that JC wanted some intimacy. We weren't having intercourse, but he still wanted to experience feelings that went into it with me. It all made sense. Maybe.
I moaned out, my body shaking like crazy, legs locked up, just riding the wave. I did nothing, and I was completely exhausted. JC slid his finger into his mouth and I almost fainted. What was he trying to DO to me? If he was trying to convince me to take it slow, he was doing a horrible job. He kissed me slowly, tongue massaging up against mine; the most sensual kiss I'd ever gotten from him.
"I guess this'll be the last time you let me have cake and eat it, too," JC spoke into my ear. He stayed in his position, his head was resting on my shoulder.
"I say that and I keep ending up right back to the beginning," I said.
"You did say that you would become irresistible to me, and you are, it's just, I didn't know I was irresistible to you."
JC brushed his lips against my neck, his fingers caressing my bare skin. His touch was still so gentle. The way he was holding me, and speaking to me. It was almost as if...no, I won't even think anything like that.
"I'd better go," I said as I began to sit up, holding the sheets across my chest.
"I really want you to stay, Zahra. But if you must, I have something to give you," JC said as he got up. He walked over to his dresser and opened up his top drawer. I watched him pull something out and he walked back. He leaned over on top of his bed and handed me a key.
"What's this?" I asked.
"A key to my place," he replied.
A key? Say what? JC does realize he's giving me a key, right? Like, um, a key to his home.
"JC, why are you giving me a key?" I asked.
"Why wouldn't I? I need someone to take care of this place when I'm gone and you're the only person I'd trust," he replied.
"Oh. Oh wow. I wasn't, are you sure about this?" I asked.
"Zahra would you just take the damn key!" he laughed.
I tried to keep myself from smiling as I took the key into my hand. I can't believe JC gave me a key to his house. Not only that, he trusts me enough to let me have it. Is this a major milestone in our mess of a relationship? It could be. I can't get rid of the feeling that maybe we just took a huge step backward. Because I know we did.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry for the long wait, but I've been busy with school. Hope this makes up for it...lol.
Chapter End Notes:
Song: Yesterday - The Beatles
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers mmcera firsttime tourj nsasync tour jealous triangles roommates hotel otherwoman debutsync presync tourjc jc justin friendswithbenefits cheaterjc
