I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself


“I just need you to tell me that you’ll leave her.” Raina states as she looks over at Justin, who is sitting across the room on the edge of the hotel bed.

They’ve been staying in hotels for the past three days so that they can work out a plan before heading back to their families. This all sounded like a great idea, but now that they are trying to determine what comes next, they’ve realized that it’s a lot more complex than they ever imagined.

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Then we aren’t together.”

“Rai, I lov-”

She walks over to him and covers his mouth with her palm. “Don’t say it. Don’t tell me you love me until you’ve gotten divorced. I don’t want to hear it.” She glares at him and is doing a great job at being forceful, that is until she feels his tongue on her palm. “Ew, what the hell?” She pulls back her hand and wipes it on his shoulder. “That’s disgusting.” She mumbles as she walks away, or at least tries to. She takes one step and is then pulled back by Justin’s hand on her wrist.

“I love you.” He says with a smirk as he looks up at her with puppy dog eyes.

She just shakes her head and yanks her wrist from his tight grasp. “You ain’t getting any until you’re divorced.” He hears her yell from the bathroom.

He waits and then follows where she went “What if you’re sleeping?” he asks as he pops his head in the doorway.

“That’s called rape and I will call the police if you even touch me while I’m sleeping.” She walks out of the bathroom and picks up the room phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling for a cot, that way you’ll have to reason to accidently touch me.”

He pulls the phone from her hand, “Stop being ridiculous.”

“You’re the one that brought it up, you rapist.”

“Raina,” Justin sighs and looks at the carpet.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it. It just slipped.” She says as she hangs up the phone and looks sadly at Justin.

Ever since they’d started sneaking around, he’d been really touchy about anything relating to their age difference and what was going on.

“Come here.” She says as she pats the spot next to her on the bed.

He sits, but doesn’t touch her.

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself

“I’m sorry.” she mumbles into his neck as she kisses his jaw line. “I didn’t mean to call you that. I know how that makes you feel.” She pulls back and looks at him. He’s just staring ahead. The only emotion on his face is fear. She kisses his cheek and turns his head so he’s looking at her. “What’s going on in your head?” she whispers and softly kisses his lips.

He sighs when she pulls back. “I’m just worried.”

“About me being pregnant?”

He nods his head. “That and my girls and you.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“I can’t help but worry about you. Your mother was trying to kill me last time I heard about her and you expect me not to worry about your future.” he says as he leans his forehead against her shoulder.

Not a word is said for about four minutes. Their both thinking about what lies ahead and all the pain they are going to have to endure and for what? A fling? That hardly seemed worth it, but it was more than a fling.

“You want to get a test?” Raina asks as she looks down at Justin’s head on her shoulder.

He lifts his head and raises and eyebrow in question.

“You know, a pregnancy test. This waiting is stressing me out.”

Justin looks around and finds his wallet on the dresser. “Let’s go.” he says as he holds out his hand for her to take.

She smiles nervously at him and he pulls her in for a kiss, “I love you.” he whispers as she pulls away and walks towards the door and down to the lobby.

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself


: : : : : : : : : : :

Raina slowly walks down the isle and is in awe at how many different kinds of tests there are. “I thought there was one kind.”

“They all do the same thing.” the sales woman says as she eyes Raina. Clearly trying to figure out her age. “There a tiny differences.” She grabs a small blue box. “This one tells you the earliest. This one,” she says pointing to another box, “says it in words.”

Raina nods trying to mentally remember how much money she had in her bank account and what she could afford to buy. Justin said he’d stay in the car to make things less awkward then they were already going to be. “I think I’ll get this one.” She says choosing the small blue box the woman was holding.

“Great, if that’s everything, I can check you out up here.”

Raina follows the woman to the front of the store and hands the box over to get scanned. “$15” the woman says as she pushes some buttons on the computer screen.

Raina hands over $20 and tucks a loose piece of hair behind her ear. She takes the change and the  small bag from the woman. “Good luck,” the woman mumbles as Raina walks away. She hangs her head as she walks out to the car.

There is no fucking you
There is only me

She buckles her seatbelt and then turns to look at Justin. “The sales woman was giving me the stare of death. I could tell she was trying to figure my age just by looking at me.”

Justin laughs and kisses her temple. “Sorry, I would have bought it for you,but I wasn’t sure what kind you wanted.”

“Oh, yeah! That’s the other thing, I wasn’t aware there were 80 bazillion kinds of tests.” She pulls out the box and reads over the instructions. “I just picked one so I could leave the judgmental stares.” She says as she continues to look down at the box.

“That’s the same kind Ja-” He starts but stops and just turns on the car.

Raina looks up at him, “What?” She asks as she blinks.

He shakes his head, “Nope, nothing.” He puts the car in reverse and looks at her as he turns to look out the back window. She looks so young and scared. He almost puts the car back in park and tells her that they can’t do it anymore. He’s never seen her this way before.

They both know what he was about to say. Raina doesn’t want to bring up the subject of Jaime.

“Let’s just go home.” she whispers as she brushes tears from her cheeks. She turns to Justin and smiles a little, trying to make it better, but he can see through her fake smile. “Please,” she adds as she sees him put the car back in park.

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through


“I know you’re scared and I don’t know why I said that about Jaime and the test. It just slip-”

“It’s fine. You clearly still care about her and she’s on your mind a lot. I get it. I understand.” She says as she looks out her window, “Can we just go home, please?”

Justin sighs and wipes his hand over his face, “That’s not true. I don’t care about her, I mean-” he stops himself. “I care about you so much Raina. I love you. I care about Jaime too but it’s different. I don’t want to spend every night with her making love or just holding each other while we sleep.” He places his hand on Raina’s leg and she looks at him, “I’m scared too. It’s alright to be afraid of the future.”

She just stares ahead for a minute and then asks, “What if I am pregnant?”

“What if you are?” Justin states more than asks.

“How am I going to finish high school and go to college with a kid?” She asks worriedly as she turns to look at Justin. “I’ve seen Teen Mom, it sucks!” She yells as she starts to cry.

“Hey,” Justin says as he wipes tears off of her cheeks and hands her a tissue. “I’m here. It’d be my baby, too. The thing that show is missing is a responsible father for those babies. I’ll pay for stuff and you’ll always have a place to live and food to eat.” He looks her in the eyes and lightly kisses her lips. “I love you so much Raina and I don’t want to see you like this.”

“I know.” She replies and smiles a little as he runs his thumb under her eyes, wiping the last tears from her face.

“Now we can go home.” Justin says as he looks over at her one last time before backing out of the parking spot.

: : : : : : : : : :

Justin squints as he focuses on the small white area that they are both studying. “Anything?”

“Nope.”

“Me neither.”

“Are you sure I did it right?” Raina asks as she picks up the box and reads over the instructions for the 100th time since they got home 20 minutes ago. “Maybe my pee is bad.” She suggests with a shrug.

“I don’t think so. Maybe we just have t-” Justin stops in mid-sentence and motions for her to come back towards him. He moves the test strip so that she can read the result and he watches as her face morphs from worry to shock. “Guess we got the answer.” He says as he pulls her towards him and hugs her tightly and kisses her head.

She doesn’t say anything, but he can feel her tears hitting his arm as he pulls away to look at her. She looks up through her watery eyes and laughs a little as she realizes how awful she must look after her emotional day. “It’s not 100% accurate, right?” is all she says.

“Right,” Justin repeats and glances back down at the test with a sigh, hugging Raina tighter to his body.

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside