I know I told JC about ONE of my inner demons this morning. I can’t tell him about my family. That’s not something I wanna tell anyone. I can’t stay as strong as I am if I open those old wounds again. My aunt, my cousin, my brother’s best friend, my grandfather. He just can’t find out about any of it. I love the guys, but I can’t bear to tell them about any of it. I was able to be fine until last night when the memories came back when they played that second song. I’m never gonna tell them and keep it inside, keeping it locked away till the day I die.
I have to focus on today. I go under Justin’s bunk and as I grab hold of my gym bag and duffle, I hear Lance. “Good morning, Jazz.”
I look at him and smile sheepishly. I don’t know why. “Mornin’, James.”
He smiles and quickly looks down, trying to hide the fact that he’s blushing. I see Derek watching me closely. “You look better after some sleep, Jazzy.”
“Thanks, D.” He smiles and nods.
Lance looks at me. “About last night, what was up with you?”
I pull my bags into the walkway and look in them, not looking at Lance. “I was excited and having fun, why?”
“Just wondering why you were dancing with me like that.”
FUCK! It was Lance I was grinding on! I guess it’s better that I DON’T remember. “I had a lot of energy.” I can’t tell him what JC just found out. It’s too soon. He’s not going to understand. I quickly dart for the bathroom after I shove my bags under the bunk. I get in the shower and wash up, thinking about last night the whole time. I don’t remember anything between the first run through of the chorus of ‘Come See Me’ and JC putting me on my feet so I could use the bathroom. I love music and dancing, but the demon got the best of me last night and that sick fucker is probably laughing its ass off at me right now.
Someone knocks on the bathroom door. “Jazz, can I talk to you?” It’s Andi.
Can I just be left the FUCK ALONE? Drop it and move on, please. I put my forehead on the wall below the showerhead, letting the water hit my back, contemplating on whether or not I should talk to her and find out why she wants to talk to me. She’s turning 15 soon.
I sigh, secretly hoping I don’t regret my decision. “Yeah, sure. Lemme finish my shower and I’ll find you.”
“Alright, thanks.” I hear her walk away from the door, in the general direction of the lounge.
I get out, dry off, and get dressed before grabbing everything that’s mine. I head back near Justin’s bunk and put my stuff away, making sure to act like I don’t feel Lance’s eyes burning into me. I don’t know how long I can deal with him looking at me like that. I feel like he’s looking at me like he did after that kiss, times infinity. I don’t know why and I suppose it may be a normal guy thing. Note to self-ask JC if it’s normal for a guy to look at a girl so intensely and like he wants to make love so it lasts forever and a day. Joey must have been watching me while I avoid Lance’s eyes because his bunk is two spots above Justin’s, giving him a good angle to see my face and Lance’s. “There’s tension between you and Pez. I’m just wondering why he’s looking at you like he wants to have a long session of love making with you and you won’t even look at him. You seem to be avoiding him like the Bubonic Plague.”
“I just don’t really wanna talk to him. I don’t feel good. I’m going in the lounge.”
“I’m here when you want to talk, Jazz.”
“Thanks.” I smile at Joey and go in the lounge as Justin leaves it, a teasing smile on his lips. I see JC, Chris and Andi looking at me as I turn the TV on just loud enough to make the conversation hard for eavesdroppers to hear clearly. “What’s up?”
Chris looks at me, concern written across his features. “I could tell you had a good buzz last night.”
I look at him like I just got caught stripping. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Chris.”
“Andi pointed you out. You were not only grinding on Pez, but also red in the face, laughing, kissing, and literally making love to him on the floor. The poor guy thinks he’s going to get you. Alcohol was clearly involved on your end of it.” I hide my face behind my open hand. “Jazz, look at me. I’m worried. I don’t want you to lead him or Justin on. I don’t know if we’d be able to deal with those two being rejected after you act like that with them. Joey? He’ll just deal with it because he’s Joey. Justin likes you but he saw last night as the opportunity to grind with you and have a great night. He knew it’s the closest to kissing and screwing you he’d ever get. Hell, he even kissed you! He pinned you against the wall, kissed and grinded on you.”
“He had a teasing smile on his face when he saw me.”
“That’s why. JC says you don’t remember from the first time the chorus for that 112 song came on until after the club.”
“I remember him putting me down so I could use the bathroom. The few minutes before falling asleep, but it seems choppy.”
“Do you even know what you drank?”
“No. I do know some of it burned going down and some didn’t. I know there were mint schnapps, a harder alcohol that tasted nasty, sweet whiskey, a hot cinnamon flavored whiskey, a fruity flavored rum and another drink with flakes in it.”
“How many shots did you have?”
“How many did you order and don’t remember having?”
“According to the bartender, we ordered close to twenty of each one. We only count 9.”
“I watched you guys take 13 shots a piece.”
“Wow, ok. That leaves 7 of each.”
“Which I had.”
“You took over 40 shots? How in the hell do you not have a hang over?”
“I just don’t.”
“Either you’re experienced or your system is kick ass.”
JC clears his throat. “I think we’ve figured out why our tab ran so high, so let’s drop it right now.”
“An hour and a half before we left the club she was hammered.”
“We know why now.”
I cover my eyes with my hand so my fingers rest on one of my temples and my thumb on the other, getting very pissed off very fast. “Look, just drop it. It’s been figured out and let’s just talk about something else.”
“Touchy. I was just wondering.” Chris is clearly confused.
“So what’s the plan?”
“Well, we have to shower and then it’s in the studio for the seven of us.”
“Well, let’s get it done. It’s already quarter till six.”
Everyone scrambles around getting ready and that leaves me alone in the lounge. Alone for all of ten minutes, in the corner seat with my knees held close to my body by my arms and my head on my knees. Lance kneels in front of me, rubbing my arms until I look at him. I notice he closed the lounge door and had put the radio on just loud enough to make it hard for anyone but us to hear. “What’s wrong?”
I quickly try to look away and fail miserably. “Nothing,” I snap.
He doesn’t move or even flinch. “Something is wrong. This isn’t my Jazzy. Last night wasn’t my Jazzy either.”
“How do you know?”
“The Jazzy I know and still love for being my best friend is happy, in control and thinks first. She also doesn’t let things get to her. The Jazzy I know didn’t just open up in order to hurt me. If you like and trust me, then go ahead. If you want to love me as a friend, I’d love it and love you back. If you’re scared, tell me. If you’re hurt, let me know. If you hate me, beat me senseless. If you want me to hold you, tell me. If you need anything emotionally, let me know. Friends and family are there for you, to love you regardless of what happens. Nothing will stop me from being there for one of my best friends in her time of need. Not even a tour.”
I look at the floor and start to cry. “I can’t even tell you what I feel, I don’t even know.”
He gently lifts my head using just his finger tips. “I’m here and I do care.” He pulls me close and lets me cry on his shoulder, rubbing my back. “You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
I hear the door open. “Pez, why is she crying?”
“I told her how I know she wasn’t the same Jazzy we love last night. That she’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose the friendship she and I have. I’ll always be there for her.”
“Ok. Break her heart and I’ll break your face, fucker.”
“JC, I feel the same way about other guys.”
“I know. I would hate to see her hurt like that.”
“We all would.”
I flip JC off. “I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.”
“After last night, I don’t believe it.”
Lance leans back and we look at each other. “I know you have quite a bit going on in your life, heart and mind. You’ll be ok someday, until then, we’re all here for you.”
Now I know why I need him as a friend. “James, thanks.” He smiles, stands up and helps me get up. JC seems to be out of it today, like not himself since I told him that earlier.
I hear Lynn trying to get Justin and Chris to chill out at the front of the bus.
“We’re pulling up to the studio now.”
I nod and follow the two of them to the front of the bus. Andi falls into step with us as we get off the bus and head into the studio. “What happened?”
“What do you mean ‘what happened’?”
“Between you and Lance.”
“He reminded me what I mean to him and the guys, who I am, and that they care.”
“Well, stop dwelling on the negatives and start seeing the blue skies and beautiful sunsets.”
“Andi, are you ok?” I check her forehead with the back of my hand for a fever, teasing smile on my lips.
She swats my hand away and laughs. “I’m fine. Just look at the better things in life. Ok?”
I nod. “Alright.”
We walk into the studio reserved for the boys, greet Max and Denniz, and decide to record three songs-Mariah’s ‘Looking In’, ‘Always Be My Baby’ and Lenny Kravitz’s ‘Can’t Get You Off My Mind’. We got in the studio around 7a and I finished around 1p. Leaving the boys with 7 hours to record what they had to. Our plane leaves for Dublin around 9:30 and we were leaving the studio at 8, to get there a little early. We order some Italian and subs for lunch, making sure we each got waters and sodas. The whole time I realize JC is completely spacing out, there with us but not really there. Unusually quiet, talking as little as he can. Justin snaps his fingers in JC’s face. “Hey, Jace. What’s up with you today?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing, J. Thinking about things.”
“Whatever’s bugging you, you know you can tell us.”
“Nah, it’s a song I got stuck in my mind. It’ll stop replaying eventually.” He smiles forcefully.
We finally get our food around 2, eat and the guys get back to work, giving me and Andi time to talk. We talk about boys, music, dancing, the tour, and going back home. We get up and start to dance, enjoying our time together. I mean, come on, ten days is never going to do much. Lynn comes into the studio just before 8 and rounds us up. We hug Denniz and Max and head for the bus, JC and I are the last two out of the studio door. On the way out, I look at the plaque for BSB and smile. I whisper a few words as I pass it, “Soon, Nick. We’ll be able to hang out soon.”
JC breaks the silence when we’re the only ones in the lounge at the back of the bus. “You realize what you told me is still bothering me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s bothering me because you haven’t told anyone else.”
“I’m not ready to tell anyone else. I don’t feel safe enough.”
“What about Lance?”
“Not yet. He knows some things you don’t and you know some things I’m not ready to tell him yet.”
He stops on MTV, which is talking about their tours and singles before returning to their line up of videos. All I understood was *NSYNC and the pictures. JC is caught off guard. “Only Joey and Chris have girlfriends!” He jumps off the couch as he screams at the TV.
“What did they say? All I understood was the picture of you giving me a piggy back ride and you carrying me in the club parking lot. I understood when they said your group name.”
“They said my name too. Were you paying attention?”
“Not really.” I look at him like he’s lost his damn mind.
“They said you’re dating me!”
“What?” I start laughing.
“It’s not funny!”
“Your reaction is.”
“I hate the paparazzi.”
I start laughing again as Lance walks in. “Why are you screaming and why is Jazzy laughing hysterically?”
JC nearly flips out on Lance. “MTV is claiming Jazzy and I are seeing each other!”
“What do you mean?”
“Seeing her as in DATING HER!”
“Why are they saying that?”
“They have pictures of me carrying her from the club and giving her piggy back rides.”
Lance is trying not to laugh. “So, we’ll just call Johnny and get word out that she’s your ‘cousin’ and the two of you are very close.”
“Alright, I’m calling Johnny.”
We pull up to the airport and JC withdraws himself, back into his little world. I figure he’s not gonna remember this, but I will because it was so funny to watch him flip out. He is just so funny looking when he gets mad. Keep in mind he’s like a brother (or cousin when it comes to the media) to me and if he’s not mad at me, it’s downright FUCKING HYSTERICAL! We check in, board and we’re off to Ireland. Can’t wait to see Dublin! I’m completely psyched!!! My seat is next to Justin’s and he lets me lean on him, just so I sleep on the flight instead of freaking out. “Can you run your fingers through my hair?”
Justin looks down at me as I look up to him. “Sure, if it helps you fall asleep.”
“It does.”
He takes the clip outta my hair and starts to run his fingers through my hair as we settle in. I’m as settled in as I’m gonna get cuz I’m buckled and my bags are on the plane, I just need help falling asleep. Once I fall asleep, I’ll be golden. By the time the flight attendants finish their take off routine, I’m asleep on Justin’s shoulder. I sleep the whole flight, even though it’s only a 3 or 4 hour flight.
I’m woken up by Justin giving me a piggy back because JC has Andi. I go back to sleep until morning, knowing I’m not only safe but in good hands. I’d bet any amount of money that Joey taped how they got me from the plane to the hotel bed.
