Bowie always recharges me and I love his whole family. We drive to his parents' house and knock on the door. Tyler opens the door and smiles. "You actually came back!" he says, hugging me.
"You don't scare me, none of you Chasezs scare me."
He smiles again and opens the door wider, allowing us to come in. As soon as the door closes, Karen comes over to us, drawing us into a tight and welcoming hug. "Gram 'Sez!" Demitryus yells, overjoyed.
Josh, his family and I were surprised to hear that come from him. "Gram CHAsez," Mikal and Aaliyah correct him.
"When did you three decide on that?" I inquire, curious.
"A couple weeks after Thanksgiving."
"Mikal, that's a big thing."
He shrugs. "We love her like we love Nana."
That's the end of it. "Ok."
The kids settle in with Heather and play a few rounds of Uno, Josh and I sit with Tyler and his parents at the kitchen table. "I guess they love being here too."
"They asked me the weekend after we got back home when we'd be here again," Josh tells me, proud.
"I know they asked me on the way to your house after we grabbed Nick and 'Ren." I stir my caramel milk with my straw. I can't drink milk plain-it's either got strawberry, chocolate or caramel syrup in it and sometimes I mix them. I got Josh to try caramel milk and he admitted it was different, but willing to drink it occasionally. The kids love it, it gets me to drink milk. I press play on my iPod and Usher's 'Good Ol Ghetto' comes on, I start to bop my head to it and relax a bit.
"Hmm, what do you think about Bowie?"
"I love it, it helps me recharge. Your family is amazing. I hope we stay together forever."
Karen smiles. "I'm happy to hear you enjoy being in this family. My sister has been asking about you."
I purse my lips, close one eye and roll my open eye upward. Tyler chortles at my thinking face and I flip him off, sporting a 'whatever' face. "Tyler, don't provoke her to kick your ass," Roy warns.
"She's a feisty one," his cheesecake loving cousin warns. Damn, I forgot her name. I glance at Josh and widen my eyes. He mouths her name, Ashleigh.
"Hey, Leigh."
"Everyone usually calls me Ash. I like you. Josh, you let her go and I will hunt you down myself!"
"But-"
"I mean it! Just because you're five years older doesn't mean I can't kick your ass," she delivers this with her head cocked to the side and a sweet smile.
"Leigh, I love you."
"I love you too. Girl, if he does anything stupid, call me."
"She's the family spitfire," Tyler tells me in a stage whisper.
I chortle, knowing she and I will become so close. "Then I guess I'm screwed," Josh says, lacing his fingers with mine.
"What does that mean?" I demand.
"Enlighten me, Joshua," Ashleigh forcefully requests. I glance at her and realize we both crossed our arms under our busts.
"Well, if she's my girlfriend and a spitfire and she gets along with the family spitfire, you, I'm screwed. She's going to know EVERYTHING in the first year or two."
Ashleigh rests her face in her right hand and taps her cheek bone with her forefinger. "If not sooner," she adds. Josh shakes his head no. "I say we leave the kids with him and go out tomorrow night."
"I don't know, Leigh."
"You'll be fine."
"No you won't," Tyler fibs.
"Babygirl, go ahead. Bond with the spitfire." He smiles that sexy fucking smile I love and it makes me melt. "I'd rather you bond with her than the fakes of LA and the industry," he admits.
"Only if you're insisting it's fine," I say, weary.
"It's fine, she's family. A girls' night out in Bowie."
"I'll go. Casual or dressy?"
"Jeans and a tee, no heels. Don't need guys hitting on you. You got one of the best men and we don't need Josh losing his mind over a nasty old guy flirting with you," Ashleigh informs me, poking fun at her cousin.
"That's not true!"
"Baby, you get so protective when James looks at me."
"Well, he's a friend," he defends sheepishly.
"He's also gay! He's not going to try to get me like that! You should be more worried about what Justin might try."
He thinks for a minute and texts someone, his fingers flying over the keyboard of his Blackberry Curve faster than I've seen in a month. "He won't try anything."
I put my hand out, he sighs and surrenders his phone. I read the text, appalled he'd said that. I send Justin a text saying it's me and Josh was being the overprotective boyfriend again. He sent back that he figured as much and said what he did just to appease the 'demon' they call Daddy C. I guffaw, looking at Ashleigh and show her Justin's response to what I said. She chortles and snorts, causing me and Tyler to laugh more. Josh is as confused as I've ever seen him be and I laugh even harder. I'm sure my face has gone through three shades of red and that's why Tyler laughs even harder. Every time Ashleigh or Tyler laugh harder, I laugh even harder and more uncontrollably. After a good while and crying due to laughter, we stop laughing. "Y'all are gonna be the death of me," I confess, wiping a tear from my eye and catch my breath.
They lightly laugh. "So what does this punk do to make you laugh?" Ashleigh inquires.
"His laughing fits get me to crack up and his confused expressions are belly ache laugh inducing for me," I tell her, nodding for effect.
"Girl, you probably have the most twisted sense of humor," she says, giggling.
"She does," Josh confirms.
I smile and turn my attention to Tyler. "So, 'Ler, what have you done in the past month?"
"Just hung out," he tells me. "Worked, nothing major. How about you?"
"A few more songs have been contracted out and I've started producing and co-producing. I no longer work for a temp agency," I inform Josh's family excitedly.
"Congratulations, hon!" Karen says with an encouraging smile on her lips.
"I'm so proud of you!" Roy reinforces.
"That's great!" Heather exclaims from the living room.
"How many more songs?"
"Only eight," I say modestly, cleaning under my fingernails with a toothpick I took from the container in the middle of the table.
"Josh, how many have you had used by another artist?"
"A little more than she has in the past month, maybe five times that," he says modestly, yet somehow still bragging at the same time.
I smile and call him out. "So over a hundred is only five times the nine I've had recorded by other people?"
"You know how I am," he sternly says.
"Joshua, you know how I am and this is your family."
"I know," he utters. "Can I have my phone back?"
I had forgotten it was in my hand. "Oh, sorry. Here, babe," I say, handing it back to him.
He leans over as he grabs it from my hand, grabbing my neck and roughly kissing me. "Thanks. You have a point, maybe I am too modest. I've always been this way."
"Sometimes you're far too modest, it's okay to brag once in awhile. The kids even know it's acceptable every so often."
"What do you want to do tonight?" he asks.
"I was hoping that I took take your parents and siblings out for dinner and a movie to celebrate my songs being recorded, being back in Bowie and the upcoming holiday, just because I miss your family," I persuade them.
~~~~~
We head out to one of Josh's favorite local restaurants and enjoy Italian dishes, the kids having chicken broccoli Alfredo. They start talking about school and the friends they've made. "What are you learning in school, Mikal?"
"Multiplication, division, how water evaporates, about Egypt, what makes rain and snow and how to write our names in hieroglyphics," he says matter of factly and very excitedly. He's very animated when he brings up Egypt.
"Josh learned about that in third grade too," Roy says.
"Ma had Scarlet Fever just like the Egyptians, but she lived and alot of the Egyptians died from it."
"Why do you think your mom lived and the Egyptians didn't?"
"Because the medicine people had back when Ma was little was more advanced than it was in ancient Egypt, Gramma Chasez."
"Right!" I praise.
"Aaliyah, what have you learned?" Karen asks.
"To add, take away, to write better, to count higher, and jump rope."
"Have you learned anything you haven't before?"
"How to spell Josh's whole name."
Karen looks at me and I shrug, turning to Josh. "What? I taught her just in case she needed to spell my name for some reason," he says, smiling and shrugging.
I run with it. "How do you spell 'Joshua'?"
"J-o-s-h-u-a, Joshua."
"Chasez?"
"C-h-a-s-e-z, Chasez."
I smile, sure of her memory. "What's his birthday?"
"August 8."
"Where was he born?"
"DC."
"Where is he from?"
"Bowie."
"What state?"
"Maryland!"
"I get a dirty look for teaching her to spell my name right?" he defends, folding his arms over his chest.
"Sam, did you teach her all that information?" Roy inquires.
"Over the past six months, yes."
"What else does she know?"
"Justin and James' information, but that's the basics."
"I have got to hear this," Tyler encourages her.
"Justin or James?" Aaliyah questions.
"Lance first, then Justin."
"Come on, 'Ler, don't encourage this," I sigh, covering my eyes and rubbing.
"I have to hear this."
Aaliyah is looking at me for permission. "Fine, go for it, babygirl."
"James Bass, J-a-m-e-s B-a-s-s. May 4, Mississippi. Justin Timberlake, J-u-s-t-i-n T-i-m-b-e-r-l-a-k-e, January 31, Tennessee. Nick Carter, N-i-c-k C-a-r-t-e-r, January 28, NY. Aaron Carter, A-a-r-o-n C-a-r-t-e-r, December 7, Florida. That's all I know."
"What about their cell phone and house phone numbers?"
"Mommy says not in public because that's rude and only to tell a teacher, a police officer, a fireman, a medic, a doctor or the nurse in a 'mergency if really need to call him when they can't reach mommy," Aaliyah informs him, watching Josh.
"That's right, babygirl."
"I know Lauren's information," Mikal brags.
"Only the basics, hon," I remind him.
"I know, mom. L-a-u-r-e-n K-i-t-t, Lauren Kitt, June 3."
"I know Briahna's dad," Demitryus says.
"Go ahead."
"Joey Fatone, January 28, NY."
"Did you teach the boys?" Heather queries.
"No, Aaliyah must have. She knows almost everyone's info, Mikal knows everyone's info down to the finest detail."
"Only Demitryus had to learn some?" Josh asks.
"Yeah, he knows the one that picks him up the most often."
~~~~~
We get home and get the kids in bed before sitting in the living room. "Why the fuck did she know all my information?"
"Aaliyah asked how she would be able to know it was you the first time and I taught her that you came from DC and Bowie."
"That's how it started. You should have told me."
"I forgot."
"How could you fucking forget to let me know?"
"Let's see: three kids, homework for said kids, appointments, school schedule, play dates, recording dates, contract dates, meeting dates, teachers' names, what is needed, what has to be completed by when, who goes where when, what is needed for what house and where every fucking thing is! On top of all of that, I HAVE A DIVORCE TO FINALIZE IN TWELVE FUCKING MONTHS!!!"
"Baby, I know."
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES TO ME INSIDE? I'M AFRAID TO LOVE YOU THE WAY I DID BEFORE!" Tears begin to well up in my eyes and I curl into a sitting fetal position. One thing you have to understand is that my kids can sleep through a deafening apocalypse. "YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT I LOVE YOU, BUT I AM JUST SO FUCKING SCARED TO LET GO AND LET GOD! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY OR FEEL ANYMORE!"
"That's why we're here," he assures me, reaching for me.
"I'M AN EMOTIONAL FUCKIN MESS!"
"I don't think so."
"You think a break up is bad? Times fifty."
"I understand that it's worse, Chris went through it."
"HE WASN'T MARRIED FOR TEN FUCKING YEARS!" He reaches for me and I get up, heading for the island counter. I sit up on it and sob uncontrollably. He comes to me and holds me in his arms. "I don't know what to fucking do. The kids need me and I need the four of you so bad. You've seen me at my best."
"Is this your worst?"
"No, but you're bound to see it."
"Sam, I'm not going anywhere. We have fought far too hard to give up on us."
"I spent the past five years waiting for his incentive to try. I kept trying and he just wouldn't. The first five I was blind, the last five were lies and broken promises."
"I'm not him, I can't be anyone but me. Fuck him! He doesn't love you or the kids, he'd be fighting a hell of a lot more if he did." I cry even harder. "Babygirl, I've had dcfs at my house to ensure it's kid safe, gotten flash cards and books for them to learn, bought car seats, kid furniture, clothes, bedding, some of their favorite things, and I spend all the time I can with the four of you. I do all that and help care for them everyday. I've started making sure I have my immunizations so that they can attend school, I know how important an education can be. You're a fighter by life's lessons." He rubs my back soothingly. "Don't doubt yourself, you have the best support system in the world-Aaron Carter, the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC," he jokes, telling the truth. I giggle for a second. "You know damn well that you have some of the best family in the world-Dawn, Nick, Aaron, the Carter Clan, me, my family, all our friends and you even have Dallas on your side!" I smile. "Where am I going? Fuckin nowhere!"
I laugh, thinking of Pete. "Pete taught you that," I say with a saddened smile on my face.
"I asked him what was something that always made you and Lil Man to smile at the very least." I sniffle and bury my face in his shoulder, nuzzling his neck for comfort as the last few tears drip from my eyes. "I think you could use a hot shower and a rub down to relax, come on." He steps back and lifts me off the counter, grabbing my hand after my feet are on the tiled kitchen floor. I follow him, remitting my attention span back to an internal battle.
We shower and he begins to rub my towel covered body, starting with my neck to pull me from my thoughts with me laying belly down. "Mmmmm," I moan, it's been too long since I've had a good rub down.
"Starting to feel better?"
"Mmmhmmm."
"What's on your mind, mystery álainn?"
I sigh and surrender the information to him like he had done earlier. "I love you, but I don't want to give in or give up. I need your moral and emotional help, but I don't want to seem weak. I want to tell you everything down to the finest detail, but I don't want to lose you. I've been through hell so many times to find heaven, but I'm scared to let myself love and believe in it. I believe in God, but I've lost all faith. I say I can see, but I'm blinder than a damn burnt out bulb. I just feel so torn into shreds with myself, I have no clue how to sort it all out. I can't even seem to find me in a well lit room anymore," I admit, defeated and looking over my shoulder.
"Baby, fuck the world! I love you and I need you and I want you in my life." He exclaims, his arms flying up toward the sky.
"I'm not sure about just letting go," I confess, turning to him entirely.
"I'm not either, but you have to admit it does feel right," he says, pulling me closer by my thighs and I instinctively wrap my muscular legs over his hips, placing my feet between his knees as he kisses me. He's essentially pinned between my legs in a kneeling position, kissing me in a reassuring manner.
"It does. I'm just so fucking scared of losing it all. Everything I have is my world." My world was unknowingly going to come to a crashing halt and it would only take one phone call to make it happen.
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