We head to his room and he lays down on his back. I climb on the bed, lay next to him, put my head on his chest and interlock my fingers with his. I'm laying belly down with my right hand on his arm and my left leg intertwined with his legs. I look at him. "I know everything has been kind of chaotic for the past six months, for us both. More so when it comes to emotionally. I thought I built an indestructible wall around my heart until I met you. You convinced me that you see me for who I am and took the time to reassure me that I mean more than so many other things. You reassured me today the most. We feel the same about each other and I hate feeling like this and not being able to say how I feel when it comes to you."

"To be absolutely honest, Josh, I never really knew how to express my emotions. I've always been guarded. Always scared to let anyone have this much of me and hope this long that you feel the same about me and not wanna run away, outta fear."
"I wanna tell you everything that I love about you and how I feel, but nothing ever comes out."
"When I try to tell you how I feel, I can only smile. Every kiss we share makes me wanna tell you more and more. When we make love, I put my all into it. Every emotion I feel, I channel into it."
"Is that why you pull me close? I thought I heard you say something that sounded like graim thu. You whispered in it my ear a few times."
I smile, remembering the times I did. "Yeah. You heard right. Those were best nights, like that night a month ago. Under the stars."
"It's been in the past couple months and I've been wondering what it means."
"I'm not sure if I can say it right now. I know I can't get myself to say it in English, French or Spanish cuz you'd know right away and those won't cross my lips for some reason."
"What language is it in?"
"Gaelic. I don't know why it crosses my lips then, but every time I've said it, I mean it."

"You take the time to teach yourself different languages just to use them to your advantage."
I look at the door so he can't see the tears I'm fighting back. "I use them to protect myself. I feel safer when I know what I'm saying but others don't. I'm scared to open up and tell anyone."
He rubs my back. I look at him and he smiles. "I'm scared fucking shitless to say the words we both wanna say and hear. I admit it. Everyone close to us knows it. Lil Man, he fucking blew my mind last night when I tucked him in. He looked me dead in my face and said I should tell you from my heart. To stop being so scared."
I put my chin on my hand so we are almost face to face. "Aaliyah got me last night too. These are her words, I promise. 'Mommy, you and Josh love each other, lots. Why don't you just tell him? You wanna say it, he wants to hear it from you. He wants to say it and you wanna hear it from him. He wants to be a part of our life. Tell him.' She rolled over and went to sleep after that."
"Weren't those two huddling and whispering most of the evening?"
"Yeah, they were. They planned it. Traitors." I sit up and shake my head.
JC snaps up and grabs something from his dresser. I look at him, curious. He hands me a journal I've been keeping since we came to LA. The ribbon is at a certain page. "Demitryus left this on my bed this morning."
"That booger."
"Read the marked pages. They're folded down."
I read the first entry. 'I met him. He is so much sweeter than I ever imagined. We had a very interesting conversation. A few anyway. Met Justin-he threw me in the pool. It's ok. Met NC-training five days a week to get in shape.
Back to JC. He is very sweet. Intense personality, big heart and well, I think it's more than a crush now. He's very good at MANY things-kissing, dancing, making love, intelligent conversation. I'm having him spend a little time here, at the apt. Hoping this works out. He's such a good friend. He makes me smile all the time. I'm even ok with it just us being friends who do what we do on the sly.'

I read the second one, the dates are about three weeks apart. 'I know how I feel about him. I'm even scared to write it. I'm starting to think he might actually like me more than he says. He told James that he wants to tell me something and it's a very good thing, I'll wanna hear it. I wanna be excited but I don't wanna get my hopes up either. I know Josh is guarded with his emotions and understand why. He does need his space and I understand. I love his laugh, it's contagious. He's always so gentle when he touches me, holds me. I think Nick is right. We'll see where this takes us. I look fwd to tomorrow.'

Almost two weeks after that is another marked one. 'Haven't gotten an answer from Josh all day. Hope he's ok. I wonder if I did something to upset him? Maybe he got sick? I hope not. Maybe-I'm gonna stop thinking about it cuz he'll let me know he's ok when he can. I guess I'm just gonna send him a text in the am and one at night saying I miss him.'
The next one is the second day of not hearing from him. 'Day two. No word on or from him. Sent two texts saying I miss him. Hope everything is ok. No answer, no work and no time with him. I miss our talks, his kisses, his touch, his smile. Hope he's doing ok.'

Third day of him not talking to me. 'Now I'm really worried. Third full day with no word. Called Justin and Nick. They haven't heard from him either. They told me he does have spurts of creativity and it can last up to a week. Hope this is the case. That he is ok and just having a creative spurt. Josh, I hope you're ok and I miss you.'

The next one is when he called me. 'Josh called me at 4am, which woke me up. He's fine. Nick and Justin were right. He apologized for not answering sooner. Talked to him while I got the kids ready and off to school. We spent the day, cuddling and talking. He fell asleep on me around ten and woke up around four, he smelled the homemade Chinese I was making him. Made rice, lo mein, chicken, and baked shrimp. He said it was very good and really liked it. But I can't cook. Lol. Guess when creativity calls, sleep is forgotten and you're focused. Felt good to spend the day with him, talk to him, and have him hold me again.'

The last marked one was from the night before. 'Spending tonight with Josh and the kids at his house. James took Chubba out. Nick has Mikal and Aaliyah with him and Lauren. They went to the park. Josh is writing lyrics across from me. Sitting here at his counter, trying to write-I'm just gonna say that neither of us can focus on what we're writing. I promise I'm gonna tell him every emotion I feel for him, when the time is right and when I think I'm ready. I know he feels strongly for me. It's good cuz he smiles every time he looks at me. Tomorrow is the day. We grab the last of what the kids and I need for the new apt. Hope it goes smoothly. Oh, one last note. I'm pretty sure I love him. Yeah, I'm talking about Josh. Still too scared to say it. Six months of fooling around and getting close to each other and I'm too scared to say it to him? If he sees this before I tell him, someone ratted me out.'
I look at JC. "You read them?"
"Yes." He unfolds the corners and points to the stars and hearts. "Obviously, the kids even agree with this, us."
"They also plotted what they were telling us for at least a couple hours, maybe longer."
"So, you knew all day today?"
He nods. "I can wait to hear you say it because between reading it and the songs, I know how you feel the same about me as I feel about you. It took you six months to write it once, which shows how emotionally guarded you are. I respect that. I haven't even written it yet. I have been inspired by you and the kids. The four of you mean so much to me."
"Really?"

"Yeah. I love when the kids spend the night or weekend here. Makes me think of when I was a kid. My parents are just like us."
"Oh, no."
He smiles. "Not like that. I mean how we encourage them and always praise them but somehow keep them in line and well behaved."
I smile. "They should be told the opposite of what I heard from most of my family for the majority of my childhood. I'd rather tell them to try and it be a bust. They wanna be doctors and vets, so I remind them that even singers finish school. Some actors go to college. I refuse to tell my kids they can't do something because I'm not sure if they can. I wanna see them try and remind them that they are smart and can do anything their hearts and imaginations can conjure up. All they have to do is apply themselves and work hard."
"Is that why Aaliyah asked how hard I worked to get to where I am now? It was a few months ago."
I smile. "Most likely. She decided to argue that you didn't work that hard to get what you have. I said I watched how much hard work went into your skits and shows and performances. She said you didn't work that hard. I told her to ask you. What'd you tell her?"
"I pulled out the home movies from when we started out, during each of the tour rehearsals, the tours themselves, and live performances. Even some of our studio sessions and interviews. I have a couple of em from video shoots. All courtesy of Joey."
I nod. "Kinda figured. Josh, can I tell you something?"
He holds my hands. "You can tell me anything."

"I thought you wouldn't give me the time of day, up until we met. I couldn't believe that you gave me the attn you did. You surprised me cuz of what I had heard. I know it sounds ridiculous. Remember the first time I sat on your counter and you stood right in front of me?"
"I kissed you and you could only say 'worse'. I thought it was a great thing."
"Someone called you and you kept your eyes on me. Part of me wanted to scoot as far back as I could on the counter and hug my knees. Another part of me wanted you to take me home. But most of all I wanted you to kiss me again and want me."
I look down and he moves closer to me. He puts his hand on the side of my face and I look at him. He kisses me and smiles. "I wanted you from the moment you asked about us being close friends. More when I kissed you. Even more when I saw how intelligent you are. Even more when you kissed me back. More when you said we could make love. More when you told Chris you only want me. More when you are honest. When you switch your hips. When you say you wanna do our thing. When we actually make love. When you wear tight jeans and skirts. When you smile and laugh. When we talk. When you make me laugh. When we're together."
I smile, knowing he's being honest. "We have so much to figure out and sort through."
"Would you cheat on me?"
"Not a chance."
"Lie to me?"
"Depends on if it's a surprise. If it is, I would. I can't lie about anything else."
"I don't have anything keeping me from asking you out."
I wasn't sure if I heard him right. "Huh?"
"Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes. On one condition-keep it from everyone for eight months. If you can do that, we will tell James and Nick. Then three months from then, next August, we can tell everyone."
"You know I can't keep secrets."
I look at him. "You'll learn." I give him a kiss.
"Who can I tell?"
"Your parents, brother, sister. Family."
"Family?"
"Actually related to you family."
He snaps his fingers. "Damn."
"I know you consider James, Joey, Justin and Chris your brothers. I can't even tell Dawn. Just to be fair."
"Ok, I say we tell nobody and keep everyone in the dark."
I hear my cell ring and check the bottom of the bed. Fell outta my front pocket when I climbed on the bed. I lay on my belly to pick it up from the floor. I look at the caller ID as I roll onto my back with my head hanging off the edge. Josh is outta my line of view. I answer the phone cuz it's Aaron. "How ya holding up? How goes the figuring shit between you and JC out?"
"I'm good. We're talking shit through. Who told you?"
"Lance told Nick. You know how I found out."
I pull my knees back so my feet are near my butt and my legs are about a foot and a half apart at my knees. JC slips between my legs and hovers above me. He gives me a kiss. "I do... Now." I roll my eyes, realizing I almost gave away the fact that we just started dating.
"Right. Are you still fuck buddies or is it on the next level?"

JC is kissing my neck, knowing I give him some faster. "The first one. Uh, we aren't ready to take it to the next level" I giggle "quite yet. Um, can I ooohhh call you back?"
"Are you in the middle of it or something?"
"Josh is teasing me." I push him so he's laying down and I straddle him. I look at him and shake my head. "I got it. What else is on your mind?"
"You guys gonna go out to the club?"
Josh sits up and holds me close, kissing my neck and flips me onto my back again. "Uh, hey, Josh, stop, please. Are we going to the club tonight?"
He looks at me. "We can, if you want to." He goes back to kissing my neck.
My back arches as I take in a sharp breath. "We'll call you when we decide."
"Ok, later."
"Yeah, la-hey-ter." I hang up and let my cell drop to the floor. "Not fair." I feel him undoing my jeans and I slide my hands down his body. I grab onto his belt loops, pulling him as close as I can. Someone knocks on his door.
He gets up, clearly frustrated. His cell rings. "Hello? I'm home." I kiss him. He wraps his arm around me, holding me close. "I have my girlfriend over right now. Not really. Not that kind of girlfriend, the female friend kind. Now, isn't a good time, AJ. No, Sam is here." He scoots so he's sitting against the headboard. "Can it wait a few hours?" I straddle and kiss him, doing body waves. "I kinda can't walk away from her right now. Nah, she's sitting on my lap, kissing me. I'm gonna do what? Beautiful, AJ wants to talk to me."
"Yeah?" I kiss him.
"He says he wants to talk now and that you should let me up."
I stop doing body waves and look at him. "Only one way that's gonna happen."
"What's that? AJ, shut up."
I whisper in his ear. "You gotta get me going and get me off more than once when we make love."
I sit back up. He smiles. "Fair. I can do that. Back to back right?"
"Yes."

"I can definitely do that. I'll be done in a minute, AJ." He hangs up and kisses me so I lean back. He lays me down, kisses my neck, grinds me and quickly gets up to talk to AJ.
"Uuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!" I walk downstairs and look AJ in his face. "I don't like you right now." I go sit on the couch.
AJ's confused. "Why is she upset?" JC smiles. "She didn't get dick? That's her problem? Nick sent me. Castrate him."
I look at AJ. "Not just that. It's how Josh got me to let him get up after he hung up with you."
JC smiles again. "I kissed her till she laid down, I grinded and kissed her neck. I got up as fast as I could to answer the door."
AJ shakes his head. "Big mistake. Did that once to my monkee and she was pissed till she got what she wanted. It was a bitch to make it happen."
JC shakes his head. "Not for me. I know what she wants and it's like a challenge."
AJ looks at me and I smile. He looks at JC. "Man, ya see that smile on her face?"
JC looks at me and smiles back. "Yeah, what about it?"
"She ain't gonna make it as easy as you think. I don't know how she plans on doing that but she won't make it easy for you."

I walk over to JC and motion for him to come closer. He leans closer to me and I kiss him. I grab his belt loops and pull him closer. He pulls away and smiles. "Make sure to count how many times I say 'Taim ag teacht'. Those count and you know when my body's gettin ready to." I bite my bottom lip and giggle. I walk to the kitchen, making sure to switch my hips. I get a bottled water and sit on the stairs, leaning against the wall. I look at AJ and smile.
AJ shakes his head. "That's her rules. You're screwed. What is she talking about with the taim thing? And she's playing hardball."
"When she is about to cum, sometimes she says 'taim ag teach'. Other than that, I know her body."
"Six months and you haven't learned how she thinks yet?"
"She's like a mystery. I'm still learning."
"Dude, fuck learning. She's gonna let you get her close and then she's most likely gonna make it hard for you to get her off. You don't get a chick you're sleeping with or dating wanting it and jump up like you did. Huge fucking mistake."
I smile at them. "He loves when I make that hard."
"She's gonna make it harder than usual." I shrug and bite my lip. AJ looks at me. "Nick said that the boys are calling in ten minutes."
"Nick sent you for that?"
"Yes."
"Tell him I said 'asshole'. He should know why. Then, if he can't, tell him what you just learned."
He calls Nick and has him on speaker. "AJ, you tell her?"
"Yeah, I did. She said asshole."
"I don't know why."
"They were about to fuck."
I roll my eyes. "Make love. Fuck is when there's no emotion to it, just a booty call."
Nick and JC crack up. "AJ, she isn't a girl that does booty calls."
Nick laughs even harder. "You just got schooled old man."
I smile. "Old man? Nick, you getting there too."
"Fuck off. You've been banging JC and he's older than me."
"By three and a half years. Or something like that."
"He's almost ten years older than you."
"So? He knows how to get me off faster than anyone has."
"How long you been having sex?"
"About 15 years."
"You serious?"

"Yeah. Dead serious."
"I'm gonna talk to you Monday. JC, I'm kidnapping her on Monday."
"If I say no?"
"Tough shit. I gotta pick her brain. Maybe do DNA."
"It's up to her."
JC and AJ look at me. "Sure. You can have fun picking my brain. Just to let you know, it's like a rubik's cube."
"I will. I love rubik's cubes."
"Not this one."
"I'll call you back later, AJ." Nick hangs up.
AJ shrugs. "15 years? That's long enough to learn some tricks."
I nod. I get up to get my cell phone. AJ heads out and JC comes upstairs. My cell phone rings and Nick's house number pops up. "Hey."
"I'm talking to you about the age you were when you started doing that on Monday. Here's Lil Man."
"Hey, Chubba. Havin fun at Nick and Lauren's?"
"Tons! We had barbecue for dinner. Are you ok mommy?"
"JC is taking good care of me. I'm good."
"Good. I'm getting tired. Here's Mikal."
"Hi, ma. Nick told me what dad did to your wrist."
I close my eyes. "Yeah. I have a cast on. They fixed it already. I'll be ok."
"He said JC is taking very good care of you and that they gave you medicine to make it not hurt. The medicine made you sleepy."
"Yes. But I slept enough to not have it in my body."
"That's good. We played with their puppies."
"Yeah? What did you play?"
"We played fetch with them and gave them belly rubs."
"I bet that was fun."
"Yeah. Nick's putting on Fast Five. I'll talk to you tomorrow. We love you."
"I love you boys."

Nick takes the phone. "Nevermind waiting till Monday, let's get this outta the way now. Did your mom know you were active when you were eleven?"
"Nope. She didn't even know I'm bi until I told her the summer I was 15. She told me that she raised me better than that."
"How many guys were active with?"
"Less than ten since I started."
"Name them."
"Some are nicknames and most of them were near my age. Jesus, Bebe, Kurt, Dan, my ex, Jen, Bekah, another girl I've known since I was in second grade, and Josh."
"JC is the sixth guy and three girls?"
"Yup. I knew each of them for two years or longer before sleeping with them. Josh is the exception."
"How long did you know each of them?"
"Jesus and Bebe, I knew them for almost five years. Kurt, 14, 15 years. Dan, nine years. Bekah and the other girl, close to 8 years. Jen, was about 2 years. My ex, almost two years before we got married. Does that count?"
"You married your ex before you gave it to him?"
"Yup."
"That one doesn't count either way. How many guys did you date?"
"TJ, Jason, another kid from Leominster, my ex..."
"You and JC dating? Is that why you stopped?"
"Uh, no. We are talking about it, though."
"Bullshit."
"No, really."
"Yeah, I'm Marilyn Monroe, then."
"Hi, Marilyn. How's it feel after your dirt nap?"
"Now I know you're serious."

"I was with TJ for almost a year. Jason, was 2 1/2 months. My ex, I was with him for eleven years. The kid from Leominster, about a month."
"There's two or three years where you weren't with anyone."
"Yeah. What about those years?"
"Were you with anyone then?"
"Not sexually. The first two were before I was with TJ. The rest, were when my ex and I broke it off for short periods. More than two weeks. I had his permission."
"What if you and JC do get together?"
"If JC and I do date, I'm staying true to him. Like I have been. There is only one person I want and I see him all the time. I get enough in every way possible-mentally, physically and emotionally. There is nobody else."
"Because you have too many eyes on you."
"No, I wanna be faithful to him. I'm done with the bullshit games."
"If you say so."
"I do say so." JC is sitting against the headboard again. I crawl over to him and straddle him again.
"Honestly, would you really be faithful to him, even if he said you had his ok to sleep with someone else?"
"Yes, I would be faithful to him, even if he said I could fuck someone else."
"Holy shit. You really are serious about being exclusively with JC."
"Yeah. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Alright. Later."
I hang up and kiss JC. He looks at me. "Are you really gonna be faithful?"
"Yes. No matter how hard it is."
"Do you have anybody else you think is cute?"
"Megan Fox and Taylor Lautner. Chaske Spencer."
"Oh."
"Why, baby?"
"Well, the VMAs are next week. I want you to go with me."
"You sure?"

"Absolutely. Please go with me."
"I just broke my wrist."
"There's a way to hide it."
"Sure."
He kisses me. He pulls me close by my hips. My cell rings. It's Joey's number. "Hey."
"Aaliyah wanted to call to say good night."
"Ok. Thanks again, Joey."
"You're welcome."
"Hi, mommy."
"You have fun at Joey's?"
"Yeah. Is Josh taking care of you?"
"Yes, he is, baby girl."
"I love you, mommy. Night."
"I love you too. Nighters. Sleep tight."
"Talk to you tomorrow."
"Anytime you wanna talk and you're with Joey, call."
"I will mommy. Bye."
"Bye." She hangs up.
"Why the VMAs?"

He smiles and kisses me. "I wanna go and I wanna start a rumor or thirty."
"Babe. That's not nice." I think for a second. "Why would you wanna start rumors?"
"All you have to do is go with me and us kiss and hold hands while we're there. Nobody has heard much from me in a few years. Maybe Lautner will be there?"
I make a 'c'mon, really' face at him. "The most I will do is probably hug him, say something nerdish and stand close to you."
He looks at me funny. "Nerdish?"
"Something like 'I hugged Jacob. How's Charlie?' I'm a Twilight fan. There's Twilight fans like me who's read 3 outta four books and waits for the movie to come out on disc. I follow it on Facebook and sometimes read the 'diary' entries. I don't care for the merchandise. I like the movies and books but I control it. Twihards are people that have all the merchandise, movies, books and see the movies the night they go to theaters."
"Ok. It's kinda like the whole Transformers thing."
"Yeah. And StarTrek. Transformers is cool, I would watch that anyday over StarTrek."
He laughs. "What about the Fast And Furious series?"
"Now we're talking movies. I LOVE cars. Especially fast and sexy cars! Want it bad? Believe it or not, a souped up 'Stang or Camero is sure fire once I hear that engine rev and see it. Some oldies get me too."
"I saw you work on Nick's Ford and it looked natural."
"I looked up the problem online the night before, told him what parts to get and helped him install em. I even looked up how to do it. I love working on 'Stangs. I'd rather be covered in motor grease and you come up from behind, just to hold me."
He smiles. "Just try not to get it on me. I don't like grease."
"Oh, c'mon! It's so much fun working on cars."
"Maybe we can look into something for a project to work on together."
I shrug. "First things first-VMAs. Do I have to be dressed up?"
"Nope, not everyday clothes either."
"Hooded shirt or a long sleeve shirt."
"You can probably find something that will be nice. I'm going to a fitting tomorrow."
"Where?"

"The Dolce store. He wants me to wear something from him."
"Can I tag along?"
"If you plan on going with me next week, you need to."
"Ok. Then, that's settled."
"Baby, you've gone down to a size 8 or 9, in junior's. You were beautiful before and still are. Just because most of the movie and music industry women are size negative fives, you don't have to be. I like curves, confidence and intelligence. I don't care what anyone has to say about us. We fought this long and hard to be this close. You are beautiful, inside and out."
"You think so?"
"I know so. I see it everyday. I love when I wake up beside you. I love your freckles, your lips, your body. I love everything about you." He kisses me as his cell rings. He rolls his eyes. "Lala, how are you? No, I'm staying in with someone. Not exactly." He laughs. "She is sweet and I do like her. She and I are just talking about whether we should be together. I know it's been a few years. Yes, she will be going with me to the awards show. She has outstanding blue eyes. Most likely. I don't think she would be comfortable leaving my side that night. We just recently met and we are very close. Ok, see you next week." He hangs up. "Tired?"
"Yeah. Might have to raincheck the challenge till tomorrow."
"Come on, lay down." I lay down and he scoots down so we can cuddle. He starts listing every little thing he loves about me.