I wake up a couple hours later and he's nowhere near me. I get up and hear him talking to someone downstairs. I check the clock on my cell. Almost 11:30 at night. Just over three hours. I shrug and head downstairs.
"She might be the one for me, man." I'm halfway down the stairs.
I hear a familiar voice. "JC, she's gonna have to deal with you not always being right there. Say you're called to record in NY and it's a new artist."

I hear another voice, this one sounds familiar. "Man, she's got ya wrapped around her finger. She's after more than she's letting on. I don't think she even cares about you at all."
I walk into the kitchen. I give JC a kiss. "Hey, love." I turn around and see Tyrese and Shad (aka Bow Wow). I walk over to them both and shake their hands, looking them in their eyes. "How have you two been?"
They look at JC. Tyrese speaks up first. "I've been good."
I look at Shad. "I've been well." He sizes me up. "I don't think you give a fuck about JC as a person."
"Shad, I understand that you're weary of JC and I doing what we do and talking about being together, but you need to realize he has seen me go through hell over the past six months. I saved my money to do what I did today. I clean his house top to bottom. I don't ask him for anything except his time, attn and to be a friend. If he told me he needed to go to NY last minute for whatever the reason, I would fully support it, be faithful and wait for him to come home. I would answer my cell phone every time he called, answer his texts, and still go about my normal days. Even if he called at three in the morning, I would answer his phone call. I have been nothing but honest with him. I plan on being honest with him. If we were to be together, I'd be faithful. He deserves that. I have an idea of how he feels and I respect that. He means so much to me and it's all things you can't buy."

I have Tyrese's full attn now. He smirks. "Like what? Name some of them."
I walk over to JC and look at him. I smile and he holds me close, facing me. Shad and Tyrese can see our faces. I focus on JC's eyes. "I love how he holds me, kisses me, makes love with me, laughs, smiles, caresses me, cuddles to me. Our conversations, how my heart races when he's around. I love how he makes me feel, emotionally supports me, plays with the kids, how he is with my kids and how he's been nothing short of amazing. His honesty, humility, intelligence, heart and patience."
Tyrese is silent. Shad is pissed. "I still don't believe you."
I shrug and look at him. "Then don't believe my words. Believe my actions. Your loss for not understanding." JC touches my face and makes me look at him. He kisses me and I kiss him back as I step closer to him. I pull his shirt toward me and he wraps his arms around me. I wrap my arms around him and our bodies are intertwined.
Tyrese is surprised. "Shad, that's love. They're lost in the moment. They could probably kiss until the end of time. JC, you ok?"
I feel him raise a hand for a second and put it on my hip. He puts his other hand on my other hip as we share smaller kisses. Our foreheads are touching and our eyes lock. We smile and he kisses me one more time. "This is pretty much how we have been. She's usually a bit more careful about this, but I guess she doesn't really care who sees now. Yes, I'm alright and she's doing better now."

I hear Shad come near us. "Look, I just can't see JC go through the pain again. He's been through so much and I can't stand to watch him be played for a fool."
JC puts a hand on my face and follows my freckles under my eyes. I close my eyes and know he's smiling. I show how much I trust him. "Shad, I can't do that to him. He knows everything about me. I have very few things left to tell him. I told him about my past. My dad beat me and my mom, did drugs, cheated, left us high and dry, dealt with an aunt who'd beat me when she would drink, how my gramma has the biggest influence in my life, my world crashed and burned in 98, my family, the crews I used to run with, the pain I've felt, the happiness, the tragedies, to positives, how hard I've fought and who I really am. There's only one thing I haven't told him yet and it's a personal horror and nightmare that went on for a few years. One where I asked for help and was called a liar and melodramatic. Told I was doing it for attn."
"Damn. But you overcame it."
"Yes, I did and it took this long to truly trust a man again after that. I haven't truly trusted a man since I was nine and I'm almost thirty. I have never kissed a man with my eyes closed the whole time, until Josh. I know he'd never dream of doing that to me. I trust him and he trusts me. He's the only man who has enough of my heart to shatter it."
"Wow. That's something that had destroyed you. Must have been something worse than a nightmare."

"Something I don't wanna remember but can't forget. Something I wanna say didn't happen but can't live a lie. Something I don't wanna see but it's right there when I close my eyes. I don't wanna let it control me but I've been so afraid to admit I should have let go of it years ago. I wish it hadn't happened but it's what makes me who I am. I know I couldn't have kept it from happening but I still feel responsible. It's been nothing short of emotional and mental hell but I know to overcome it. Conquer it. I forgave the asshole who did it but still I live in fear of him. Even moving to the opposite coast wasn't much help. I've cried from the nightmares I've had about reliving it again. Every night I've had those nightmares, Josh has held me as I cried in pure fear and terror."
JC pulls me close and wraps his arms around me. "I don't know what it is, but you know I'm always here when you need me. I know life has been nothing but unfair to you. Now that you have someone you can trust entirely, you've opened up. I know you need someone to help you realize that you need people like us to help you truly heal and move on."
I open my eyes and look at Shad. "JC is the first man I've truly trusted in almost 17 years. I know it's the first step in getting over it and moving on." I sigh and hug JC.
Tyrese is wondering what it could be. "Not to get too nosy, what is 'it' that you're talking about?"

"I would rather not say right now. I haven't spoken about it in over a year and a half. When I'm ready to talk about it, Josh will know. I just hope he'll understand how damaging it has been mentally and emotionally."
"Of course I'll be understanding."
"I know you'll try to be. I'm sure it will get under your skin and upset you."
Shad is confused. Tyrese seems to have an idea on what I'm talking about. Tyrese pulls me aside. "Come here. I wanna ask you something." We walk in the living room. He quiets his tone. "Were you raped?" I close my eyes and take in a deep breath as I nod. "What sick fuck would do that to a child for years?"
"My then baby sitter's son."
"Who'd you tell?"
"My mom, my brother and my aunt."
"Why would you make that up?"
"I didn't. I lived that nightmare for close to four years."
He shakes his head, looking pissed. "Let's go back in the kitchen with JC and Shad."
I take a deep breath and lead the way, walking directly to JC. I wrap my arms around him and put my head on his chest. He leans against the edge of the counter. I shiver and he rubs my back, silent tears fall from my eyes. "What's up, Tyrese? You look straight up pissed off."

"When she tells you, you'll wanna kill the bastard that did what he did to her."
JC touches the side of my face and sees the tears. He wipes them away. "Is that how bad it is?" I nod and he kisses me in a reassuring way. He holds me close again. "She'll tell me when she's ready. No matter how bad it is. I will be here to comfort and hold and protect her."
"I hope so. She's gonna need someone, I hope it is you."
"It's ok, baby. I think it's getting pretty late. I'll try to touch base with you guys this coming week."
Shad shakes hands with JC. Tyrese pats his shoulder. "She looks to you for emotional support. Keep doing and being that."
"I will."
Tyrese rubs my back and I look at him. "Hang in there. JC'll help you get through it. He's a friend of mine because he's a good person and is always looking for the positives in every situation." He smiles at me and I nod. "We'll let ourselves out. She needs you right now."
JC touches my face again and I look at him. "I won't judge you. You've been through hell. I'm always here for you and refuse to turn away." I close my eyes and shake my head. "When you're ready to tell me, I'll be ready to listen." I put my head on his chest again and he wraps his arms around me. His cell phone rings and he answers it. "What do you mean, Ty? Not till next week. Yeah, I-whoa, wait, what? Babe, what does he mean by be respectful?"
"I'll tell you tonight, Josh."
"Can you tell me now please?"
"I was raped when I was little."

Josh goes silent. "I have to admit, man, it did get under my skin. Actually, I'd rather knock the sick fuck unconscious and drop him off at a gay porn set. See how the fucker likes that. I'm gonna let ya go so I can focus on Sam. I'm gonna stay with her. Yeah, she's holding onto me like her life depends on it. I'm not doing anything stupid. She said he's on the opposite coast."
"Don't tell anyone please."
Josh hugs me and holds me tight. "I won't and Tyrese only said what he did to get me in the loop. It's not his business to tell anyone else. Thanks, man." He hangs up. "I had no idea."
"Most people have no idea. I just don't wanna talk about it."
"Ok, that's your call."
"Are you mad cuz I didn't tell you before?"
"Not at all. That's personal and a need to know basis kind of thing. I do understand why you wanted to wait to tell me and why you said what you did about it." He stands up, turns so I have my back toward the counter and sits me on it, holding me. "It does put alot of things into perspective. Helps to make sense of the chaos."

I look at him and he smiles at me. I feel so exhausted. He sees how close to sleep I am and carries me upstairs. He lays me on the bed, climbs in himself and falls asleep, holding me close and cuddling. He falls asleep before me. I turn over and face him. I give him a kiss and he smiles in his sleep. I put my forehead against his, close my eyes and take a deep breath. "I love you, Josh."
I know he talks in his sleep, but I'm surprised by what he says. "I love you beyond words. I wish I could say that to Sam. I love her more than words can express."
I smile. "I know now. I love you in ways I didn't know were possible. Please remember that."
"I will." I fall snuggle up to him.