Here Comes Goodbye
Chapter Four:
"So, it's our last day." I look over at Lindsay briefly before turning back to the waves. I've been trying to avoid that thought all day. Our last day. Which means that I'll have to wake up and she'll continue on her way to where she's needed and belongs. Heaven. I look at her again and as with every time that I look at her, I smile involuntarily.
"I'll miss you so much." Said without thinking, I watch as her face changes expressions and she looks into my eyes.
"I'll miss you too Jus." We sit there just looking at each other before she turns back to the ocean and lays her head on my shoulder. I look back to the water too and wrap my arm around her shoulders.
This is what we've been doing. Just sitting on the beach, in our spot, talking, remembering, and being together. It was day as long as I thought it was and sunset when I so wanted to see one, but never night. Night just seemed to me to make this more permanent and real. And right now, I just needed these last moments and days with her. We have talked our way through our whole relationship. Every happy moment, every fight, and every tear not left unnoticed or remembered. It's definitely been the emotional week. And the worst is still to come in just a few hours. I look down to her and she looks to be lost in thought and having an internal battle. I lean down and kiss the top of her head softly causing her to turn to look up at me. I send her a smile and she returns it.
"Babe, what's wrong?" I ask just above a whisper. And she studies my face for a minute before she speaks.
"Nothing is wrong. I'm just not sure that I should tell you the last thing I have to say." She looks down to her hands and I watch her, waiting to see if she's going to continue. When she doesn't, I softly place my forefinger under her chin and lift her head back up even with mine and look into her eyes.
"You don't have to tell me anything that you don't want to. You know that." I smile at her gently and she returns it. But I can still see the battle raging in her head over whatever it is. I watch her for a minute more before she leans in and kisses my lips softly.
"I know. But you have the right to know and hear this from me. But now's not the right time. I'll tell you later, ok?" I nod softly and she leans up and kisses me again. "Until then, we have just a few more things to remember."
"Yes, that we do. Though none of them are too pleasant. Definitely not our happiest moments." We return to our previous position of looking to the water with her head on my shoulder. Then we continue with where we had left off in the tale of our relationship, the night before I left for the tour.
"I still can't believe I started a fight with you over it. I mean it was so juvenile and childish. Fighting over something like you packing my toothpaste." I give a small chuckle and don't have to look at her to know that she rolled her eyes when I do so.
"Yes, I know. And yet you were so seriously mad about it. I still don't understand it. We fought over it for like close to two hours, then in the middle of screaming at me, you burst into tears and start apologizing profusely. I would say that it was just because I was leaving again and so soon from getting back, but I know that can't be the reason because we've never fought before I've left before." She lifts her head and looks at me with that look again.
"You know that I'm sorry for that right?" I lightly laugh at her and nod my head. "Good, because I am. So very sorry for starting such a stupid fight when you were already so worried and stressed." I lean forward and kiss her forehead softly.
"I know baby. It's ok. Everything turned out fine, remember?" She smiles immediately and her whole face brightens and her expression is suddenly a complete one eighty from just seconds before.
"Oh, yes, I definitely remember." We laugh together and her cheeks turn a light shade of pink as we both remember the rest of the night quietly. "I'm sorry that you didn't get too much sleep too." I look her over briefly before I shake my head slowly.
"No. No, you are not." She hides her head into my chest and I can't help but laugh more.
"No, I'm not. But still." She pulls away from me, turning back to the waves. I watch her for a time that feels like it'd never be long enough. Then suddenly I'm filled with the urgent feeling that I can't fully explain but know that I should just dread. We must not have too long now. She turns to me and nods her head. And I instantly know what she means. We both stand dusting ourselves off out of habit and she grabs my hand. Instantly we are transported and in the hospital. We're outside a closed door, but I can hear the conversation that's happening inside as if I were there too.
"Do you think he'll wake up soon?" Paul. I sigh at the thought of what they are going through. I really didn't mean to cause them all of this. I look at Lindsay and she nods and we are instantly in my room, with my body. I look at myself and notice that all the cuts and bruising is practically completely healed. But my mind is still on the conversation that we heard. And for some reason, I can still hear it.
"Hopefully he will wake soon. The longer he's under, the bigger possibility for permanent damage; which of course we won't know about till we run tests once he is up. But for now, all we can do it wait." The doctor. I turn and look at Lindsay and she's standing by the window, looking out over the parking lot and the slowly sinking sun.
"Linds?" She turns to me and I walk to her and continue with my inquiry. "Are we in real time now?" She nods and looks back to the scene before us. I watch her as I ask the one question that has been plaguing my mind since I heard of her death. "Would you have died anyway? Like if I was driving, would I have been able to get you to the hospital in time?" I ask her slowly and cautiously, not too sure I want to know the answer. She looks back to me and slowly, very slowing, shakes her head no. I look down at my feet with my hands in my pockets. "Oh." I'm not sure really what to say.
"J, I was gone so fast. Even before the accident happened. By the time you would have noticed that I wasn't just sleeping, it would have already been too late. But I still wish that I would have had you drive because then you wouldn't have ended up hurt and in the hospital too." I look at her again. And nod softly.
"But why? Why did you have to go so soon?" I can hear the pleading in my voice and the tears fill my eyes.
"I don't know. It was just that time." She looks down and places a hand on her stomach softly. "None of it makes sense. But everyone has a time for them to go. And it was mine. There's no other reason than that." She looks back up and meets my eyes again. "Jus, you need to promise me that you won't dwell on it, ok? You can't think too much into it. And I definitely don't ever want you to think it's because of something that you did or that it's a punishment of sorts. Because it's not. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. Ok? You promise me that you won't think or believe any of those things?" I look into her soft green eyes and see all the emotion behind them and nod softly. "Especially with what I'm about to tell you. Ok, promise?" I furrow my brow in confusion but nod again.
"I promise, Linds." I look her over again and just as she was about to speak, we hear a voice that I don't know or recognize. But it's so soft and sweet but you can definitely hear the authority in it too.
"Lindsay, it's time. You only have a minute left." She looks up to the ceiling as I look around the room. My eyes land back on her and I see the tears in hers and she nods softly and releases a sigh.
"Ok, J. This is goodbye. We have no time left. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you, but you will find out. I promise. I just wish it could be from me, but that's not possible now. Ok?" I nod and she steps toward me and kisses my lips softly. She grabs both my hands in hers and starts to disappear. She smiles at me. I return it and as I'm getting ready to say something, she's no longer in front of me and I'm no longer standing in my hospital room. But I can still hear her voice.
"Open your eyes baby."
