Here Comes Goodbye
Epilogue:
~*~
"Open your eyes baby. Open your eyes Jus. It's time. I have to leave now and you have to open your eyes and continue living your life." Though I know that she's already gone, I can still see her. Or maybe it's me that's already gone. Lindsay gives me a soft smile.
"But I can't live my life without you." I look at her softly as she's already walking, no, fading away.
"Baby, sometimes, life is all about the goodbyes. I need you to let me go. I want you to find your own happiness again."
"But I can't be happy without you."
"Sweetie, you'll never be without me. I'll always be right in here, tucked away, just a pleasant memory. Now you must go back. I love you."
"I love you too." As I mumble those words, I realize that I'm alone, in a white room. Lindsay is gone. I'll never be with her again, never get to see her beautiful smile first thing in the morning or at all for that matter and never get to feel her bare body against mine again. And yet, as I think these things, where there should be, would normally be, a sharp pain in my chest, all I feel is a small tug at my heart, an almost pleasant tug at the memories. I smile involuntary, for the first time hearing hushed whispers close by.
"He should be waking up soon. His brain activity has increased tremendously over the last couple hours. Which is a great improvement, however, we will need to run tests to see if there is any permanent damage from him being out for so long. The only other thing I feel we should address is if you want to tell him or if you want me too. He slipped back under so fast that we didn't even get the chance to visit the topic. But I've found out that she had indeed been to the doctor a few weeks before the accident, so chances are she knew and was going to tell him that day or very soon." I recognized the voice as that of the doctor that was here last time. But what is he talking about? I was so confused that I forced my eyes open to try to get a glimpse at who he was talking to. I could see my dad standing behind who could only be my mom and rubbing soothing circles on her back.
"Um, I think it might be better if we told him doctor. But, um, when he wakes up this time, what are the chances he could slip back under at the news? Like last time." I heard my mom ask in an equally hushed voice. I was still confused as to what they were talking about exactly and where it was going. So, I still didn't make a noise or move in hopes to get some answers before they noticed my alertness.
"Well, with his brain activity this time, I'd say that the chances are slim. However, like I assumed about last time, shutting everything off till he's ready to deal with it all physically, might be his mind's way of protecting him. So, it's possible that he could slip back into a coma at the news for that reason and that reason alone. But each time that he does, it will last longer and his chances of waking up without any permanent damage decreases." I furrow my brow in confusion. I was in a coma? Then how was I with Lindsay? And talking to her? What happened exactly? What day is it? Man, the only way I was going to get any answers was to let them know I was awake.
So, reluctantly, I start to move. Groaning at just how stiff my muscles are. At the sound of my groaning and movements, the door flies open and in a rush, the people I was just eavesdropping on. I look between all their faces, relief evident on all of them.
"Justin, how are you feeling? Can you talk? Would you like a glass of water?" I look back to my parents briefly still curious about what they agreed to tell me before turning back to face the doctor.
"Um," I clear my throat, once again surprised by how rough it was, "I feel sore. And yes, some water would be nice." My mom was already handing me a glass that she just poured water into. I took a drink greedily before starting with my questions, the simplest first. "What day is it?" I look back at the doctor.
"Well, it's 7:43, the morning of March 25, 2009. You slipped into unconsciousness after the accident on the 18th from which you woke up for all of 20 minutes that night before slipping into a coma." Ok, that explains that. Now to act like I remember or not?
"Lindsay?" I ask softly, dropping my gaze down to my hands in my lap. I hear my mom gasp softly and look up to see my dad wrap his arms around her, soothingly, protectively. I look to the doctor again before dropping my gaze back to my lap.
"She passed away in the accident. She didn't feel anything because of the unconsciousness she slipped into causing the vehicle to head into oncoming traffic. She went peacefully." He was telling me stuff I already knew. Things Lindsay had told me herself. But how can I remember some of what she told me, but not everything? I shook my head of the thoughts before looking back up to him.
"Ok," I said leaving it hanging in the air.
"Good news is that you have no major injuries. We'll have to run tests to make sure there is no lasting damage from the coma, but once that's completed and if the results are as I expect, then I suspect that you'll be able to be discharged with almost a clean bill of health, in just a few days. Well, at least going off of how things look right now." He nods to me softly before facing my parents and doing the same to them then leaving the room and quietly closing the door behind him. I look over at my parents again. I watch them look me over and watch me for a few minutes before I can hardly take the curiosity and suspense anymore.
"Ok, what do you have to tell me?" I look between them, trying to see if either one is giving anything away. Nope, nothing. Did I ever really expect anything else?
"What makes you think we have anything to tell you?" Mom asks as she walks to the chair by my bed and takes a seat uneasily.
"Because you both look troubled and somewhat guilty." I look to my dad and watch him move to stand behind Mom and rub her shoulders softly. Man, I want that someday. I almost had it too but...
"Look, son, I'm not sure if we should tell you just yet. Let's wait till we get the tests done and make sure nothing is wrong. We don't need you slipping back into a coma." I look them both over; trying to gage how tough it will be to get them to just tell me now.
"If it's about Lindsay, I want to know now. I believe I deserve that much." I say softly, my voice wavering and cracking with each word I speak as I try to keep the tears at bay.
"Sweetie, I really think we should wait. For your own sanity and health." I snap my head up to meet my mom's eyes dead on.
"No, Mom. Just tell me. Now. Please." My eyes never leave hers as Dad finally starts to say what I've been curious about since I heard them in the hall with the doctor.
"Um, Justin, it would seem that Lindsay was," he cuts off and looks down at Mom. I'm not sure when I started watching him, but I was. I watched the looks they exchanged and the silent conversation they were having, waiting patiently for close to five minutes before I couldn't stand it anymore.
"Dad? Lindsay was what?" I ask him softly, trying to keep my voice even, the sound bringing his attention back to me. But it wasn't his voice I heard, instead it was Mom's. I looked at her and she was crying silently.
"Justin, sweetheart, Lindsay was pregnant. Nine weeks."
~Two Weeks Later~
Two weeks. Two long torturous weeks. Easily the longest weeks of my whole life. Mom insisted staying with me at the new house, the one that I hadn't seen since everything was moved in, until I was completely healed. Today is only my third day being alone. And Lindsay is everywhere. If I thought her scent was strong that first day entering the house, it was nothing compared to now that I was alone with it. I close my eyes, leaning my head against the back of the couch. I have to get out of here. I can't take it anymore. I immediately jump up, grab my phone and keys, and head out the door making sure to set the alarm.
Once in my car I feel like I can truly breathe. I pull out of the driveway and the last few weeks flash by in my head for what has to be the billionth time since they told me.
"Justin, sweetheart, Lindsay was pregnant. Nine weeks." I look over Mom's face for a few seconds to see if she's kidding. Once I come up with nothing, I close my eyes and lean back into the pillows with my head turned towards the ceiling. I sigh trying to contain my emotions. Why me? Why would you choose now to take the love of my life and our unborn child away? I sigh again and start to drift off. Almost immediately I hear Lindsay's voice.
"Jus, I'm going to be picking you up!" I straighten up from packing my bags.
"But I thought you said you had to work or a class or something?" I ask a little weary about believing it right away.
"Yea, a class. But I got out of it. I absolutely can't wait to see you and I have something very...important to tell you. Something that I believe is really exciting for us!" She knew, that day. She knew she was pregnant. She was going to tell me, she just hadn't had the time. I feel the tears silently start to fall threw my closed lashes. Within minutes, I'm shaking in my silent sobs as my mom climbs in bed next to me wrapping me in her arms, trying to sooth me. It doesn't work. Nothing can help the hole and pain in my heart now.
I shake my head clear of my thoughts and take in my surroundings. The cemetery. I look around through my window and windshield. Everyone kept refusing to take me to the grave. I refuse to call it ‘her' grave. Thinking they know what I need right now and that to be reminded that she's gone is definitely not it. If they only knew that there is no way that I could ever not remember her or be reminded of that fact. I slowly get out of the car, taking deep calming breaths as I walk through the cemetery looking for the stone. Again, I refuse to think of it as ‘her' stone. With only about a five minute walk from my car, I see her name, etched in elegant script across the smooth surface. As I get closer, I read and re-read the scripture till it's burned into my brain. I don't say anything. Just stand there quietly, almost peacefully, staring and reading the words.
"Sweetie, you'll never be without me. I'll always be right in here, tucked away, just a pleasant memory. Now you must go back. I love you." I sigh as I remember those words. And suddenly I do feel as if she is right here with me. "I love you too." I mumble ever so softly to the empty air.
"Baby, sometimes, life is all about the goodbyes. I need you to let me go. I want you to find your own happiness again." Running those words through my head repeatedly, I look down at the sprouts of grass starting to grow in the semi-fresh dirt. Slowly bringing my eyes back up the stone, I see some smaller writing right along the bottom. I kneel down a little bit to see it better, and once I do, I read a set of very different quotes.
"People hold onto something because they're afraid nothing that great will ever happen to them again." Is that what I'm doing?
"If tears could build a stairway, And memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven, And bring you home again." Like hell I would too.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal." Staring at this one, reading it over and over, and I just get the feeling that they picked that one just for me. Her parents that is. I look back up at her name upon the stone. Taken way too soon.
I stand there silently for a few more minutes. I start to turn away, when I hear her voice again, I turn back. "I need you to let me go." I nod to myself. I glance around me briefly, before reciting a quote of my own that I remember hearing somewhere.
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." I whisper softly to her. I know she's here. I can just feel it. I look around me again, and start to turn away a second time, hearing her voice yet again. This time though, new words are spoken softly, right by my ear, well so it feels like. "I need to know that you let me go Jus." I whip back around, looking around me wildly. Still alone. I sigh again saying the words I really wish I didn't need to say. For her and me.
Barely above a whisper, I say what she needs to know, "I do. There are no more goodbyes." I slowly turn and walk back to my car and drive back home.
