A million thoughts and questions should have been whirring through his head.  His curiosity should have been peaked, and he should have been anticipating and dreading this moment all at the same time.

But Carter was strangely numb.  When his mother had told him that his father, a man he had never even met, wanted to meet him and talk with him, Carter felt nothing.  Not excitement or dread or fear or anything of the like.  He felt an emptiness that was a hole in the shape of a father, but he had come to terms with that hole a long time ago.  He didn’t really care to have it filled by anyone, especially someone who would expect him to treat them like a father.

Justin had slipped so easily into his life.  He was funny, he was really good to Carter’s mom, and he knew where the lines were drawn.  This man, though…this man was biologically his father, and Carter didn’t know what he was supposed to do with that.

“You don’t have to meet him if you don’t want to, Bub.  I can tell him to go home.”  His mother was concerned.  She kept checking to make sure he was okay with it.

“It’s fine, Mom.”  He assured her for the hundredth time.  He did want to meet his father, just so he could put a face to the missing memories.  Truth be told, he knew that he and his mother were far better off without Travis in their lives.

“You just let me know when you want to leave, okay?  It’s up to you.”  She pulled into the parking lot of a small diner.  They had decided that someplace neutral was best, and Bailey would sit somewhere else while Travis and Carter talked.  Bailey put her arms around Carter’s shoulders as they started toward the door, kissing the crown of his head.  “I love you, Bub.  More than life.”

“I love you, too, Mom.”  As they stepped into the small, retro diner, Carter spotted his father immediately.  It was a strange thing, to be seeing a man he looked so much like. Bailey walked him over to the booth where Travis was sitting, exchanging a few words before kissing Carter again and heading to her own spot at the counter.

“Hey, Carter.”  Travis smiled nervously, his hand shoved deep into his pockets.

“Hi.”

Awkwardness settled over the two of them like a blanket, smothering the both of them.  Carter watched as Travis shuffled from one foot to the other.  There were lines around his blue eyes, deep, as if he had spent a lifetime looking at the world through half – opened eyes.  His mouth, while attempting a smile, was tight and looked as if the only emotion it was comfortable showing was a grimace.  The man was lanky, like Carter.  He had height, but Carter was only a few inches shy of being taller.  He looked nothing like Carter had pictured.

“We can sit.”  Travis pointed to the booth he’d been occupying a moment before.  “I brought you something.”  As they sat, he handed Carter a shoe box.  “It’s letters.  I wrote to you, you know, a letter a week.  I just didn’t know where you were living, so I kept them until I could give them to you.  There are a few birthday cards in there, too.”

Carter took the box, looking at the creased cardboard.  “Thanks.”  He didn’t care to read the letters.  He didn’t care to know this man at all.

Apparently the anger he thought he’d gotten rid of was still there, and it was brewing.

“Are you hungry?  We can order anything you’d like.”  It was painful how hard Travis was trying, and Carter just wanted to tell the man to stop.

“No, it’s okay.  I’m not hungry.”

“Oh,” he looked deflated, as if this entire meeting hinged on Carter eating lunch.  “Well, that’s okay.”  Another smile.  Carter realized that Travis’ eyes were too sad, and that’s why the smile didn’t fit on his face.  “I hear you play baseball.”

“Yeah, I do.”  Was it wrong of him to not want to elaborate?  Was it wrong that he wanted to leave right now and forget that this man existed? 

“I’m not surprised.  Red loved baseball.”  The mention of Carter’s grandfather had his heart hitching in his chest.

“Loved?”  He had noticed the use of past tense.  “You mean he really is dead?”

Travis looked as if he wished he’d never spoken, but it was too late to take it back now.  “Yeah, he is.  He told me all about your pitching, though.  He said you were the best he’d ever seen, especially for someone so young.”

Carter stared down at the table top.  He didn’t want to think about this man having a conversation with Gramps.  It felt like an intrusion into a life that wasn’t Travis’.  “I didn’t know you and Gramps talked.”

“I went to see him when I got…” Travis paused, “when I wanted to find you and your mom.”

Carter took a deep breath and looked Travis square in the eyes.  “You should have stayed away.”  It was said quietly, without malice.  He wasn’t trying to be rude, but he felt strongly that he and his mother were better off without Travis in their lives.  Carter couldn’t picture his world with this man in it, and he didn’t want to.  He didn’t want to get to know him.  What he already knew was enough.

“Carter…”  The tone held a strange warning.  It was a fatherly tone.  It made Carter’s stomach clench, like his fists were clenching the fabric of his jeans.

“What makes you think you can waltz in here after twelve year, my entire life, and expect me to want you around?”  The twelve-year-old sounded aged and weary.  “My mom has spent so much time and energy making up for the mistakes you made.  She’s been a mother and a father and a best friend.  You can’t replace that.  You can’t come in here and change the fact that you were gone.”  He spotted the box on the seat next to him.  “A box of letters isn’t going to make up for missing my entire life.”  Carter was about to get up and tell his mother it was time to go, but Travis reached out a hand to stop him.

“Carter, please…”  The man was begging, and it made Carter even madder.  “I’m not…I don’t want…shit.”  The words were sticking, twisting and confused.  Travis couldn’t seem to make his mouth work the way he wanted.  “I just wanted to see you, to meet you.”

Carter’s blue eyes bore into the older man’s.  “Now you’ve seen me, and I’ve met you.  Goodbye, Travis.”

Bailey met Carter at the door, wrapping her arms around his shoulder.  “Are you okay?”  He looked up at her and smiled, nodding his head and leaning into his mother’s warmth.

“Yeah, Mom, I’m good.”

“How did it go?  What did he say?”  Her questions started as they buckled into the car.  Carter wasn’t sure he could put into words how he was feeling, but he knew his mom would want to know what was going on in his head.  This meeting affected her life just as much as it affected his.

“Not much.”  He said with a shrug.  “He just wanted to meet me, I guess.  He gave me a box of letters…”  Carter looked around, realizing he’d left the letters on the seat of the booth. 

“We can go back and get them.”  Bailey was about to turn the car around, but Carter stopped her.

“No, Ma, it’s okay.  I don’t want them.”  He took a deep breath.  “We’ve been fine without him forever.  I don’t need a Dad.  I’ve got you.”

Bailey tousled his hair.  “Love you too, Bub.”  She steered the car down the road toward their house.  “He’s not a bad guy, though, Carter.  He made some stupid decisions and he got himself into trouble, but he was never a bad guy.”

Carter said nothing; instead he focused his eyes out the window and let the world fly by without really seeing it. 

When they pulled into their driveway, Justin’s car was parked there, a thought that Carter found oddly comforting.  Justin he knew.  There were unspoken rules that existed between them, and it worked well for everyone.  Justin didn’t try and be Carter’s father, and Carter didn’t try (anymore) to get in the way of Justin’s relationship with Bailey.  They were a good team, and Carter liked it that way.

Travis brought too many unknowns into the equation.  He would expect Carter to act like his son; something Carter didn’t know how to do.  Travis would want to be a father; something he had no experience doing.  It would take time and effort and it would change the dynamic Carter and Bailey had fought so hard to build together. 

No, Carter decided, they were all better off without Travis in their lives.

“Hey you two, how did it go?”  Justin had made burgers on the grill, and he was just setting some chips out on the table when Bailey and Carter entered the kitchen.

“It was fine.”  The answer was short.  Carter didn’t want to talk about it, really.  “I’m really hungry.” 

Justin and Bailey exchanged a knowing glance, and the topic of Travis was dropped for the time being.  They all knew it wasn’t over yet, and the situation was more complicated than they wanted it to be.  But for now, they could all pretend it was finished and neatly tied up.

~*~

The Tennessee air was thick tonight, alive with the buzzing of insects and tadpoles.  Carter sat on the steps of the porch, flipping a baseball into the air and catching it, the slap of the ball hitting his palm the only sound to be heard from the young boy.

Justin stepped onto the porch and sat down next to Carter, peering into the dimming light of dusk.  They sat together like this for a while, letting the sun sink lower and lower until the porch light came on and the sky was velvety black.

“When I was two, my parents got a divorce and my Dad moved into Memphis.  It was just my Mom and me for a while, until she married Paul.  Paul was the only Dad I’d known for a long time.  It was really awkward when my real father wanted to be a part of my life again.”  Justin snatched the baseball out of the air, gently tossing it back to Carter when he had the boy’s attention.  “It took me a long time to accept the fact that I had two fathers, and I love them both very much, but for very different reasons.”

Carter let the words run through his head, trying to listen to the lesson he knew was embedded in them, but he was too tired of thinking.  “But you’re not my father, and Travis hasn’t been in my life at all; ever.  He was in jail when I was born.”

Justin let out a sigh, leaning back against the steps and staring up into the night sky.  “I know it’s not the same, Carter.  I just want you to know that it’s okay if you’re uncertain about things.  I understand if you’re confused and hurt and scared about all of this.  I’ve felt the same way.”

The silence sat between them for a while.  Eventually, Carter set the baseball in his lap and looked over at Justin.  “I don’t know how to talk to him.  He’s a stranger.  It doesn’t matter that he’s biologically my father…I don’t know him at all.”  He took a deep breath, surprised to feel tears on his hot cheeks.  He wiped at them angrily.  “I don’t need a Dad.  I have my Mom, and she has you.  That’s enough.”

Justin settled a comforting hand on Carter’s back.  “Maybe that’s enough for you, and that’s your decision to make, but Travis probably has a lot he wants to make up for.  Don’t make up your mind just yet, Carter.  Don’t shut things off before you truly know what you want.”

A fresh set of tears cascaded down Carter’s face.  “I don’t want to have to move again.  We’ll have to, though, won’t we?  Since Travis knows where we are, we’ll have to move so we can stay hidden.”  He hiccupped, not feeling at all like his twelve-year-old self.  “If I get to know Travis, he’s going to ruin everything.”

The older man’s heart hurt for this little boy.  Scooting over on the steps, Justin pulled Carter into his arms and soothed him the best he knew how.  He had never been in a situation like this before, and he didn’t know what to do.  He knew that he wouldn’t, he couldn’t let Bailey and Carter go.  Not now, not after he’d fallen so deeply in love with both of them.  The little boy sobbed into Justin’s shoulder, letting out the anguish and fear he’d managed to bottle up for the last twelve years. 

“He won’t ruin anything, C, I promise.”  Justin rubbed his back slowly.  “I won’t let it happen.”

They stayed like that until Carter fell asleep and Justin had to carry him into the house, setting him gently in bed.