Seven years ago I thought my life was over.  For seven years my heart still belonged to a dead man, but not anymore.  I tried my best to hide it from Justin, to not let him know how I really feel.

But I just...lost it.  I said those words.  The three words I never thought I would utter to another man ever again, and I’m still not sure if I was right for doing it.  Is Justin worth it? Hell, will he ever be able to feel the same away about me?

I still don’t know the answer, but I won’t give up...not just yet.

“Don’t you know you’re not supposed to tell a guy you love him until you’re at least six months in?”  Charlene took a slurp of her Mocha Frappe and frowned at me.  “I mean, are you crazy?”

I just shrugged and looked down into my coffee sorrowfully as I stirred it around. “I just...felt it, Char.”

“Yeah but he’s not the type of guy that would be prepared for something like that.  I hope you haven’t brought it up again.”

I shook my head.  I hadn’t mentioned our conversation in the bedroom since that night, and Justin seemed to be a hell of a lot happier because of it.  The day after we’d discussed it, there had been a slight aura of awkwardness surrounding us when he got home from work.  He was a little late too, slightly irritated because there had been photographers at the door, and the most he did after dinner was read a short story to Davey before heading to bed.  We didn’t talk when I finally decided to turn in, and for the first time since I’d started sleeping with him on a nightly basis, he didn’t wrap his arms around me.  He kept his back turned to me as I slid in next to him, and pretended to be asleep.

I let him.  I let him because I knew how weird I must have made him feel, and Charlene didn’t hesitate to knock me back into place when we had coffee.  “He’s the first once who’s cared about me since Braeden.”

“I know that,” she told me softly.  “And I know...you’ve told Justin about Braeden.  I think he’ll let you slide because he knows what you’ve been through, but you can’t push a guy like him.  He’ll slip away from you, Ab, and I know...I know you don’t want that to happen.”

I just shook my head.

“How are things going now?”

I shrugged a little.  “Okay.”

I wasn’t lying.  Things had gotten slightly back to normal since then.  Slightly meaning, Justin was talking to me in bed, and touching me in all the places that made me smile.  I wasn’t sure if we were having too much sex, if it was a bad thing or not, but I wouldn’t question it.  I was too afraid of setting him off.  He was edgy as it was, and I couldn’t afford to have him be mad at me.  The days he went to work were long and hard, starting first thing in the morning.  There were always reporters waiting for us outside Justin’s building.  The bodyguards would grip the boys and myself by the arms and shove us through the crowd and over to an awaiting vehicle.  I hated it.  I hated that they put their hands on me, and I knew Davey hated it too.  Austin seemed oblivious.  He was going through the motions like it didn’t affect him.  He was more concerned about getting to school.

It’s crazy how much he can act like his brother.

They leave when Justin gets home, after they fill him in about what went on during the day.  I stand against the kitchen counter with my arms crossed, waiting for them to make their exit.  I can tell Justin can sense how tense I am, but he never points it out.  This is the way he wants things and since...since I’m with him now, I have to be in this with him.  I know having the guards around is more for the boys sake than my own.  He was freaked out that day the press attacked us, so was I, and if I’d been alone...I just don’t know what I would have done about the boys.

They could have gotten hurt.  Really bad.

That’s why I’m going with the flow, trying as hard as I can to let my opinions about the guards roll off my shoulders until this whole thing blows over.

And I’m praying to god, that what I’m doing today will help it to.

I’d been more than overwhelmed the day Sydney came knocking at the door.  Austin had been given extra homework, things he’d fallen slightly behind on when he was suspended, and while I was trying my best to keep my attention focused on that, Davey wasn’t making it very easy.  The guards presence made him nervous, he was very clingy, acted much younger than he really was.  All he wanted me to do was sit with him, and when I explained that I had to help Austin first, he got pouty.  It pissed me off, made me want to send him to his room but...I knew I couldn’t.  It wasn’t his fault.

So I let him pout at the table.

She was a wreck when I opened the door, and Kristy...she practically ran into the house, seemingly desperate to get away from her mother.  I couldn’t blame her.  Sydney’s face was pale, her hair lank and greasy, falling messily at her shoulders.  Days of dried up mascara rested below her eyes, and she smelled like booze.  There was something seriously wrong, but she was the last person I wanted to help.  I let her in though.  I had no idea what else to do, and I did it more for Kristy’s sake than anything else.  She and Austin had grown close, and since he had a hard time making friends I was supportive of them hanging out together.

She cried on the couch, sobbed into her hands right up until Justin walked through that door.  At one point I tried to ask her what was wrong, but she snapped at me to get away from her, that she was only waiting to talk to Justin.  I knew it had to be about money.  She sounded desperate...

And I was right.

It really made me wonder if she could have had something to do with taking the money...it made me wonder if Trace was the only one who was guilty...

Or if he was guilty at all.

By the time she left I was convinced that he might not have been, and since Justin is too damn stubborn to research this more, I’ve taken it upon myself to do it.  It’s Francine’s day with Davey, and when I asked if she could pick up Austin from school since I had ‘a special errand to run’ she didn’t give me an issue.  I’m thankful for her.  Thankful, even though this is the last place I should or want to be.

But something needs to be done, because I’d feel like shit if Trace was really innocent and I didn’t try to make things right, even if I can’t stand the guy.

“Put your hands against the wall and spread your legs.”

I sigh harshly but do as the female officer tells me to.  Fuck, if Trace really turns out to be innocent, he owes me the biggest favor of his lifetime.  

The officer pats me down, feels underneath my bra and between my legs.  It’s fucking humiliating but I don’t complain.  That could earn me a ticket out of here, and after all the work his lawyer did to get my name on the visiting list, I know I can’t fuck this up.

“You’re clear.  Do you have any packages to give the inmate?”

I turn around to face her and shake my head no.

She nods.  “This way.”

I’m lead down a long dismal hallway along with a half dozen other visitors.  It’s painted a dull white, and the floors are a puke brown color.  It smells like body odor and lysol, even though this is a federal holding facility, and all I can think about is how dirty the cells must be here.  I’d say Trace deserves it...but I’m just not sure yet.  We’re made to stop in front of a door, the woman presses a button that makes a loud buzzing sound and a moment later another officer comes and opens it for us.  We’re lead through in a single file line, down another dismal hallway, until finally we reach an open area with tables.  We are all made to sit and wait.  Somebody comes around and asks for my name and who I’m here to see.  I wait for twenty five minutes.

Then the door at the other end of the room opens.

Several inmates rush out to their awaiting guests.  Most of the visitors here today are girlfriends and wives.  They are allowed to kiss and hug each other for a moment before being made to sit across from each other and begin quiet conversations.  I wonder how hard it must be for them.  How many hardships they have to face everyday.  I wonder if Sydney acts this way when she comes here to visit?

“Why the hell are you here?”

I have to stop thinking, because he’s here now.  I look up and study him as he stands before me with a cold, confused expression on his face.  He looks angry, exhausted, and a little bit sick.  I sit up slightly and clear my throat a little bit as an officer comes over and whispers at him to sit down.  He does it harshly, stares at me for several moments before letting out a sad little laugh and shaking his head.

“Well...what is it?” he snaps at me.  “Did Justin send you? He wanted you to tell me how much of a scum bag he thinks I am right?  I bet you went running to him once they arrested me, told him how I bullied you right?”

“Look!” I shout it at him, and it causes every person in the room to look at me.  I feel my face burning.  “Sorry,” I whisper, and soon they all go back to their conversations.  “Look,” I continue, as he glares at me.  “I came here on my own.”

“Why the fuck would you do that?”

I laugh bitterly.  “Right now, I think I should be asking myself that.  You’re not giving me a chance.”

“Fine.”  He sits back in his chair and crosses his arms.  “Here’s your chance.”

“Ayala, hands on the table!” An officer calls out to him.

He sighs harshly and puts them in plain site again.  “Make it fast,” he grunts.  

“Why aren’t you giving Sydney any money?” I whisper.

He cocks his heads to the side and shakes his head.  “How do you know that?”

“She came by.”

He rolls his eyes.  “I knew she’d pull that shit.  She asked Justin for money right?”

I shrug.  “Yeah, but he wouldn’t give it to her.”

He smirks, just slightly.  “How’s Kristy?”

I shrug.  “She won’t be okay for long.”

He frowns.  “What do you mean?”

“Sydney is a mess, Trace.  She slapped Kristy across the face, and...we would have kept her at the house with us, but she left before we could do anything.”

“Fuck,” he grimaces.  “I knew it...damn it...”

“Trace,” I say it quickly because I can tell he’s about to lose it, and I can also tell he knows something that he’s not telling anybody.  “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” he mutters.  “Just leave it alone.”

“You’re hiding something,” I tell him.  “You...you didn’t do this, did you?”

He shrugs.  “I don’t talk about this when my lawyer isn’t here, and I think hell would freeze over before I’d talk about it with you.”

I should walk out, tell him to fend for himself, but I came all this way and waited all this time.  I didn’t do it for nothing.  I lean forward now, so I’m very close to him, not really caring if the officers won’t like it.  “Why are you protecting her?”

“I never said I was,” he grunts.

“It’s obvious.”

He flashes me a sarcastic smile.  “You don’t know half the shit that’s gone on.  Hell, I didn’t know half the shit that went on, until I figured it out.  You know, I’ve had a lot of spare time to think, because of that idiot of a judge.  If I wasn’t for him, I probably would have gotten this all straightened out, but I’m stuck here, and my lawyer can’t make any sense of the things I’ve told him so far.  Sydney doesn’t return his calls...I don’t know what the hell is going on back home.”

“You should tell me,” I said sternly.  “I’m trying to help you out.”

He laughs bitterly.  “Why?”

I sigh.  “I just...I just don’t think anybody deserves this...to go through what you’re going through, if they didn’t do anything.”

He sucks in his bottom lip and looks down at the ugly grey table.  He’s quiet for a really long time, and I am too.  “I...I cut her off because I figured she’d crack,” he rasps.  “She can’t handle it...being off the stuff for too long, and without my money she can’t afford it.”

“So you know about the drugs?”

He laughs at me again.  “Fuck, of course I know.  I’ve always known.  We were in rehab together....it just didn’t work out so well for her.”

Trace was in rehab.  That’s news to me, and I wonder if Justin even knew that.  “You were in rehab?”

“Shit happens.  I partied too much, almost had a cardiac arrest.  So I went, I got over it, and that was that.  I put it behind me.  Sydney was pregnant when we met, told me she didn’t know who the father was, so I decided to step up and take care of her and the baby.  Kristy...she’s the only thing that kept me from going back on that shit, and I knew Sydney used but...I tried to keep Kristy away from it if I could.  I...I’ve stayed with Syd because of Kristy.  I don’t think I’ve really felt anything for her in years.  I’ve kept her in luxury so she wouldn’t take Kristy away from me, but...but the whole fucking time she’s been...”

He trails off and sighs into his hands.  He knows exactly what’s going on, and I’m a hundred percent positive that he didn’t do this.  “So make the police question her.”

He shakes his head.  “Ernie says I have a good chance of getting off on probation, and if not, I’ll do a couple of years.  I can handle that.  Kristy needs her mother.”

“Kristy needs a responsible parent,” I tell him seriously.  “You need to do something, say something.  I’ll talk to Justin...”

“No.”

He says it bluntly, sternly, with a cold gaze in his eyes.  

“Why?”

“I have my reasons,” he grunts.

“You’re angry at him,” I say.  “That’s no secret, but what was he supposed to think?”

“He was supposed to trust me.”  He points harshly to his chest.  “After everything, I figured he would at least let me talk to him about this, but it’s like he doesn’t give a fuck.”

“He’s confused.”

He glares at me.  “You’re biased.  You’re fucking him.”

This is pointless.  I sit back in the chair and look up at the ceiling.  Trace is a miserable bastard.  Granted, I can tell that he’s in here for the wrong reason, but it’s like...he’s not greatful that I’m here, talking to him out of the goodness of my heart.  I should leave.  I try to force myself to do it, but something is holding me back.  It’s my conscience, telling me I shouldn’t turn my back on him, because if I do...he really won’t have anybody else.  It’s not fair.  I doubt he’d do the same for me.  “That has nothing to do with this,” I whisper.

“It has everything to do with it,” he says, his voice calm this time.  “You just...you came along and it was like, Justin wasn’t the same. I’ve never, ever seen him this way, with anybody.”

“Doesn’t he have a right to care about somebody else?”

He shrugs a little bit, not meeting my gaze for a few moments.  “I didn’t want to trust you.  I didn’t know what your intentions were.”

“Obviously you needed to look at your own girlfriend, instead of focusing on me,” I snap.  “But this isn’t about me, Trace.  Stop trying to change the subject.  How could Sydney have gotten to your accounts?”

“She had my passwords, she helped me with my records from home,” he mutters as if he’s ashamed.  “Justin didn’t know.  I knew he wouldn’t like it, but I thought I could trust her more than somebody at the office.    I didn’t check the accounts enough.  Little withdrawals were meaningless, I mean...there was so much money coming in.  I just...I just didn’t pay enough attention.  I was too focused on work...”  

He trails off and remains silent.  I know he thinks he’s telling me too much, hell, he might be.  When I talked to his lawyer on the phone though, he told me to try anything that I wanted, because Trace hadn’t been cooperating with him from the start.  The guy knows Trace is innocent, but it’s like...he plead not guilty and now he’s not even trying to help himself.  It’s like he doesn’t care, and now that I know the facts, I can understand why.  “You have to say something.  You can’t just rot in prison.”

“You shouldn’t care.  Just go, go back to him, go live your life.  If you can, check in on Kristy for me.”  He pushes himself up from the table and motions for the officer to come over to us.  “I’ll see you around, and...I’m...I’m sorry for all that shit I said to you.”

I just stare at him.  An apology? Really?  Has he found Jesus or something?  I’m not sure, but it’s like...he’s changed a lot.  He’s a different person now that he’s in prison.  That’s what it took to make him stop acting like a fucking asshole.  He’s actually tolerable now.  Someone that I might be able to get a long with in the real world.

But he’s stuck in here.  

There has to be something I can do.  

“Apology accepted,” I whisper.

He genuinely smiles for me as the officer grips his upper arm and begins to lead him away.    “Bye Abbey.”

He disappears behind the heavy steel door, and soon the only thing I can see is a portion of his retreating backside through the tiny window.  Then he’s gone, and all too soon I’m back on the city street, stunned, and confused as hell.  I decide to walk part of the way back to the penthouse, taking the conversation in, trying to figure out if I should tell Justin about it, and what the hell I can do to help Trace.  When I walk in the door, I find the boys and Francine seated in a semi circle on the floor, playing a game that she brought with her.  Naturally, the boys run to me, hug me around the waist and start to tell me all about their day.  It takes a lot of effort me to focus on them, and when I glance at Francine, I can tell she knows there’s something off with me.  She won’t ask questions though.  She knows when to back off, and soon enough she says goodnight to me and tells me she’ll see us in a couple of days.  Then it’s just me, the boys, and the burly guards who have been sitting on the couch watching TV.

I look at the clock.

If Justin comes home on time, he should be walking in the door any minute.

I’m not prepared.  I hate lying to him, being secretive.  But if I tell him...what happens then?

Lucinda has the boys help roll out some dough for the biscuits she’s making with tonight’s dinner.  I sit on the sofa, far from the bodyguards, anxiously staring at the clock and waiting for the moment Justin decides to walk into the house.

“Anybody home!”

Five forty five on the fucking dot.

Sometimes, especially today, I wish he was still that selfish workaholic asshole I met on the first day.

The worst part? He’s in a great fucking mood.  The boys have ran to him, eager to talk to him.  He picks Davey up and swings him over his shoulder as he walks into the living room where I’m still sitting.  He smiles at me brightly, while Davey laughs loudly and Austin dances around him.  He quickly dismisses the guards for the evening and they make their usual discreet exit.

“Hey.” He leans down and gives me a light kiss, before plopping Davey down next to me.  “You have a good day, baby?”

“Yeah.”  I nod and manage to smile a little.  “You?”

“It was good.”  He nods and sits down on the other side of me, draping and arm over my shoulders and pulling me down against his chest.  “The press have started to back off a little bit.  I think we should be able to breathe before the trial starts.”

I nod, but dont’ say anything as I gaze at the buttons on his dress shirt.

“I figured you’d be happy about that,” he says, obviously put off by my lack of enthusiasm.

“I...I am,” I say softly.

He stokes my hair a little.  “Something happen today?”

I just shrug.  

“Ab.”

He says it like he can read me like a book, and by this point, I’m certain that he can. I look up at him.  “I...I went out today, without the boys.”

He stares at me for a moment.  “Where?”

“I...I went to see Trace.”

He pulls back from me slightly, and I force myself to sit up.  “What do you mean, you went to see Trace?”

I glance over my shoulder, and find the boys standing there, listening intently to our conversation.  “Boys, go back to Lucinda.”

They do it, although I’m sure they’d much rather listen in on our conversation.  “I just...I just wanted to find out some stuff, that’s all.”

He chuckles softly, and rubs his temples in a circular motion.  “I can’t fucking believe you did that without talking to me first.”

“Somebody needed to,” I grunt.

He glares at me.  “He stole from me, and now you’re fucking defending him!”

“He didn’t steal anything!,” I yell.r32;

“Right,” he leans back harshly against the couch and crosses his arms.  “I’m sure that’s exactly what he told you.”

“It’s Sydney.  He doesn’t have solid proof, and he’s not trying to get her to take the fall for this.  It’s just...it’s her, Justin.  I know it’s her.  She had access to all of his accounts, he gave her his passwords so she could help him with some filing from home.  He never told you because he knew you wouldn’t like it.”

He just sits there, staring straight ahead, a stone cold expression on his face.  I feel like I’ve just sabotaged his entire day.  He was high on life when he walked through that door, and now I’ve just made him feel completely betrayed, but damn it...I know there was good in what I did.  There just has to be.  “Talk to him.”

“I’m done talking about this,” he says darkly.  “Just...don’t do it again.  Shit, Abbey...I mean, what the hell are you thinking about?”

I stand straight up and ball my fists at my sides, before he can get off the couch himself.  “I had my doubts, and I went with my gut,” I snap at him.  “I’m not stupid. I’m trying to find out what really happened, so you can sleep at night!”

“I already know what happened,” he grumbles.

“No, you don’t.”  I narrow my eyes at him and glare a little before walking away, and joining the boys in the kitchen.

“Come on, Ab.”

His voice comes quietly after a while.  I’ve been focused on the boys, helping them with the food, so I barely look at him, until I feel him up against me from behind, kissing my neck a little bit.  “Stop,” I mutter, and turn to push him away.

“You really think he’s telling the truth don’t you?” He whispers, not allowing me to ignore him this time.

“I just told you that,” I huff.

His eyebrows furrow, and his face twists up into a confused frown.  I know he’s not sure what to think.  I’ve completely surprised him, but at the same time I think he realizes that I wouldn’t lie to him about something this important.  I’m sure he’s fighting some kind of terrible battle with himself, trying to figure out if he should go talk to his best friend or not.  “What am I supposed to do?”

I shrug and turn back to the boys.  “That’s up to you.”

Dinner is eaten very quietly.  The boys know that there is tension between Justin and I because they keep their gazes focused on their food and nothing else. It’s bad for them.  I wish this thing would just blow over already so we could all move on with our lives.  
Better yet, I wish Justin would get his head out of his ass and realize that he’s not always right about every damn thing that goes on.

“I’ll go,” he says it suddenly as our dinner plates are cleared by Lucinda and dessert is brought out.

I stare at him for a moment, not sure if I heard him right.  “What?”r32;
“I’ll go there, to see him,” he nods.  

“What made you change your mind?”

“You’ve never...you’ve never lead me wrong before,” he says quietly.  “Why would you now?”

I only smile.  I know it’s the only thing I can do, because the Justin I’ve come to love so much is shining through to me right now, doing what’s right.  That’s not just anybody sitting inside a prison cell, that’s his best friend, he knows that, and I can just tell...he’s going to do whatever he has to, to get to the bottom of the situation.  For the first time, he really senses the twist in this whole thing, the possibility of Trace’s innocence.

I guess I wasn’t so wrong to do what I did, after all.