In a million years I never imagined that falling in love with a woman would be easier than reconciling with my best friend.

But it has been.

I just...let go that night.  I looked at her with her makeup running, her eyes filled with a longing, one that told me how badly she needed me, and I felt something inside of me crack.  That one last barrier inside of me, the one that desperately tried to protect me from getting confused and hurt...it was gone.  It was gone and I had to accept the fact that I’d fallen completely in love with Abbey Feldman.  That night in bed was the first time I’d ever been so sensual with a woman.  I listened to her and talked to her while I held her in my arms.  I didn’t take it further, I didn’t try to seduce her because it...it wasn’t the right time for it.  I was using my heart instead of my body parts for once when it came to her.  I couldn’t understand why, I still can’t. I don’t know what makes her so different, why she can mess with my emotions and turn me into a weakling.  She seems have this strange, supernatural power over me that I can’t escape.

But I know I’ll always love her, and I’ll never let anything come between us.  I feel like she’s the only woman I’ll ever be able to love, as crazy as that sounds.  Deep in my mind I can see us getting married and having children.  I tend to shut that out quick, though.  Marriage...I can’t even fathom being married.  My career would kill it, and while I’m now willing to juggle my career and my love life enough to make them both work, I’m not willing to kill my career completely by putting a ring on her finger.

I’m too much of a chicken shit to tell her that, though.

All I can hope is that she doesn’t bring the subject up anytime soon.  We’re going to see her family though.  Even I know being introduced to your girlfriends family is a tell tale sign that your relationship is getting very serious.  I tried not to make a big thing out of it.  The week before we left for Thanksgiving recess I proceeded to focus on work and only work.  With everything that had been going on, certain aspects of my work load had become slightly neglected...in my terms anyway.  Cheryl had been keeping up with certain things for me, telling me that they were all things she could have been doing all along, but I didn’t want to accept that.  I didn’t want to admit to myself that my love life was interfering with my career more than I wanted it to.  

Abbey and I helped Trace and his daughter get settled into his newly renovated apartment, and I for one couldn’t have been happier to get him out of my house.  Don’t get me wrong, I love him.  He’s like a brother to me, and he always will be...but the way we live is on two completely different spectrums.  He’s a slob, plain and simple.  Lucinda was constantly picking his shit up around the house...Kristy’s too, because Abbey refused to do it, and I couldn’t blame her.  It pissed me off that he couldn’t pick up after himself, because I’m a huge neat freak.  Actually, I didn’t realize just how anal I was until Trace came to stay with us.  It’s funny, years ago when we shared that tiny apartment together I never noticed how sloppy he could be.  I guess I didn’t care then.  I was too focused on trying to make my life better.

Trace had been back on the job two weeks before he started to speak his mind.  For a while, I didn’t think he was coming back.  When he first got out of prison he was very withdrawn from society, for the longest time.  Prison had changed my friend.  It made him very mellow, very non confrontational, and he definitely wasn’t thinking about the business side of things.  He spent a lot of his time with Kristy, went on a lot of walks by himself, and spent a ton of time on the phone with who I can only guess was a therapist.  Francine had casually recommended one to him in passing, when she first met him.  He’d been sitting on the sofa looking like the most freaked out person on earth, and I was happy to see him get a little bit of help, even though he acted like he didn’t want any.  I asked him to come back after a couple of weeks of this, but he quickly turned me down.  It shocked me.  Trace Ayala, one of the most miserly people I knew, seemed to want nothing to do with making money.

Then, just like that, he was ready to go again.

I didn’t ask questions because...I don’t think I wanted to hear his reasoning.  The reality was, I wanted him out of my house and out of my face when I wasn’t working so I could figure out things with Abbey.  She had taken his place in a way.  Her opinion mattered, our life together mattered, and everything else came in a close second, including him and his issues.  I welcomed him back to the company, no questions asked.  He was my business partner once more, and I held a board meeting to make sure everybody knew the circumstances.  I could tell there were some that were none too happy with my decision, but I quickly pointed out that those who didn’t agree with my decision could show themselves the door.  Things got back to normal after that.  More than back to normal.  With Trace back on board most of the pressure was taken off of my shoulders, because he seemed to step back in and pick things up like he’d never been gone.

He would make a great CEO, now that I think about it.

But that’s my job.

Work, it had been my only focus just a short while ago.  Even when Abbey and I had first started seeing each other on more than a professional level, I was still focused more on the business aspect of my life.  Then, suddenly, Abbey had taken my life over almost completely.  I hated to admit it...but she was running the show.  If she called me in the middle of the day to tell me she wanted to do something after I got home from work...I was home on time, even if I had a huge workload on my desk and clients up my ass . While Cheryl was happy to keep up with all of that for me, work a little bit extra for the sake of my happiness, my supposed best friend was quick to give me his opinion on the situation.

“You’re losing more than just your focus, Justin.”

I was turned away from him, gazing out at the city skyline, trying to ignore what he was saying to me.  Realistically, I should have known it would only be a matter of time before Trace began to discover my operational slip ups, but I didn’t want to think about it.  I wanted him to turn a blind eye to it, because...I was in love for the first time in my life.  “Everything is fine,” I sighed.

“We’ve lost twelve major clients in the last month,” I heard him say, casually.  “That’s the most we’ve lost since you were promoted.”

I quickly turned to face him.  He was smiling, leaning back in his chair with his hands folded behind his head.  “And you think that’s my fault, right?”

He shrugged.  “All I’m saying is that you haven’t been as focused.  I mean, fucking Christ, you cut off the deal of a lifetime with Trump, and for what? For a woman? I just...” he trailed off, laughed sadly, and ran a hand through his hair.  "I'm trying really hard not to call you a fucking moron right now, but it's almost impossible."

I chuckled, and flashed him a sarcastic smile.  “You just can’t stand to see me happy, can you?” I gritted.

“Justin, I don’t care what you do after work,” he grunted as he lowered his arms and sat up in the chair.  “But when you’re here, I expect you to give the same effort that I do in this partnership.”

He was talking to me like he was my boss, and I wasn’t going to have it.  It was my company.  Trace worked for me, and I knew that he tended to forget that in the past, but things were different now.  We’d taken a huge blow to our partnership, and more so, our friendship.  I was prepared to work with him on all of it, but I couldn’t if he was going to be vindictive.  “You know...I went on a limb for you and let you have your job back,” I told him quietly.  “The least you can do is leave me the hell alone.”

“The company vote is coming up soon,” he reminded me.

I shrugged.  “So? That’s for the department heads downstairs.  It doesn’t effect the executives.”

Trace sighed heavily, and folded his hands, staring down at them for a few moments before looking at me again.  “Maybe it’s time for things to change, Justin.”

I stood back from him a little, crossed my arms, and just stared at him.  I couldn’t believe the things he was saying.  I’d gotten him out of jail, helped him get his life back in order, took care of his kid when he was locked up, even fixed his place for him because his crazy girlfriend had fucked the place up.  Now he seemed determined to undermine me...to...take my job right out from under me.

I couldn’t help but wonder if it was his plan all along.  If he’d been sitting in that jail cell, waiting for his chance to get even with me.  “Are you...are you fucking for real?”

“I do everything around this place,” he snapped.  “From what I’ve heard from certain people, you couldn’t handle the simplest day to day business while I was out of the picture.  I guess I never realized how much shit I’ve done to cover your ass.”  He rose out of the chair then and crossed his arms, pacing back and forth in front of me for a few moments before speaking again.  “I’m going to the board to petition myself for CEO.”

I laughed at him this time, good and hard.  It was ridiculous.  Trace was smart, that was a given, but I was a well liked, respected member of the Wall Street community, and I knew a lot of people that would go to bat for me if they found out what Trace was trying to do.  “You do that,” I said with a smirk.  “But when you fall on your face, you better be prepared for the consequences.  Let’s not forget who was sitting in jail a little while ago.  Do you really think people trust you, Trace?  Hell, I had to hold a board meeting before you came back, just to make it a point that you weren’t to be crucified.”

“You’re not the golden boy you think you are,” he muttered as he turned toward the door.  “Just remember that.”

“You know, if you walk out this is it.  If you get denied...I’ll let you go.  That’s a promise.” I called back to him.  I wasn’t about to back down, because I could tell he was getting a little bit intimidated.  I hadn’t told him about that board meeting.  I wanted him to think the other execs had welcomed him back without incident because they respected him.  The sad fact was that they had formed a less than encouraging opinion about him due to the arrest and trial.  If it hadn’t been for me, his career would have been in the gutter.  

“I won’t lose.”  He said, his hand on the doorknob.  “I do too good of a job to lose.”

“You’re so fucking egotistical, man!”

He whirled back around.  “You’re so busy fucking your girlfriend that you don’t realize your company is starting to fall apart!”

It wasn’t about him taking my job, I knew that then.  It was about Abbey, that I loved her, and that he didn’t have that in his life.  He’d never had it, even when Sydney was alive.  He spent his time with women who loved his money just as much as he did, no one else.  Kristy was a fluke.  A positive one for Trace.  One that he should have been spending more time with.  But he’d taken a nanny in for her the moment he got back into his place.  He never spent his time with her anymore.  Once again, his money had taken over his life.

He expected me to fall back into that same pattern, and I realized that I didn’t care about money as much, for the first time in my life.  I loved Abbey more.  I loved the boys more.  I was the one who had changed for the better.  I was now the type of CEO that I used to detest in the past.  The one who liked to have a life outside of his job, while still maintaining his career.  

And I was happy.  It was the kind of happiness I’d never felt before, not even as a child.  I never wanted the feeling to go away.

“You can’t blame Abbey.”  I shook my head.  “She helped you when I didn’t want to listen.  She’s the reason you’re able to stand here right now and crucify me.”

This seemed to anger him most of all.  “I don’t care what that little cunt did!  She’s just some bitch that you spoil with your fucking money.  You think you love her Justin?  Stop giving her everything and see how fast she leaves you!”

I chuckled sadly and slowly took my seat back behind my desk, pinching the bridge of my nose and sighing harshly.  “I’ll give you the Thanksgiving recess to get yourself a new attitude, Trace.”

“My attitude isn’t going to change!”

I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead, hating what I was about to say, but knowing I didn’t have a choice.  I had to protect myself, and the company, before Trace took things too far.  “We’ll meet after Thanksgiving recess,” I repeated, once I was able to look back at him seriously again.  “Until then, I’ll be placing you on temporary suspension, with pay.  Leave your keys and ID badge with security downstairs.”

“You can’t be serious.”

I stared him down like I always did when I was about to fire somebody.  “Did I stutter, Mr. Ayala?”

His jaw dropped a little bit.

“Cheryl, I’ll need a security escort,”  I said into the intercom.

Trace didn’t move.  He just stared at me.

“Sir?” Cheryl said.  

“Now, Cheryl,” I repeated.

“Right away, sir.”

“No.”  Trace shook his head harshly.  “I’m not going on “temporary suspension” you fucking prick.”

I raised an eyebrow.

He took his ID badge out of his pocket, along with his keys, and threw them at me.  “I quit!”

The security officers came into my office seconds later.  I didn’t say another word to Trace, just let them escort him out.  I could hear him swearing at Cheryl on his way out, and then his voice got fainter and fainter...

Then he was gone.

I had Cheryl send him his severance.  I don’t think I could sleep nights if I didn’t give him the things he’d earned while working at Goldman.

I haven’t told Abbey.  I haven’t found it necessary.  There’s been too much drama involving Trace as it is.  I’ve been trying to put him out of my mind, mentally wishing him luck.  Maybe it’s what we need, to be apart.  God willing, he’ll get another job with a viable company.  I don’t want to talk him down.  I can’t be angry.  He’s fucked up because of what happened.  Jail changed him.  It’s horrible and sad, and I’ve lost a great friend.  I can’t be held back by it, though.  I have to cope, move on.  Focus on the good things I have... The boys, and Abbey.

I have a few people lined up for Trace’s job when I get back. I won’t make a final decision until then of course, but Dennis is looking good for it.  He’s a smart, enthusiastic guy, who would do anything for the good of the company.  He’s married too, has a couple of kids.  I could probably learn a thing or two from him.  Like...how he holds it together, and what the hell I’m supposed to do if Abbey decides she can’t be with me unless I marry her.

“I’m gonna get you!”

“Nooooo!”

Austin pelts his brother with a snowball.

Davey shrieks loudly as he speeds by me, Austin hot on his heels with another ripe chunk of snow in his gloved hands.  “Be careful!” I laugh as I finish strapping my left foot into my boot.  We arrived here two days ago, and from the moment we entered the cabin, I knew coming here was the right move.  Abbey absolutely loves being here.  I stare into her eyes and can see a million different memories rushing through her mind.  It’s the first time I’ve ever seen this much of a personality come out of her.  She’s taught me a lot about Aspens history and the Rockies since we’ve been here too, things I never knew about, and that’s saying a lot because I’ve been coming to Aspen since I made my first million.  She told me that she used to come here every year with Braeden and his family.

I wish I wasn’t so damn naive to certain things.

I took the mention of that with a grain of salt.  If I’m going to be with her, I need to expect certain subjects to come up, especially while we’re in her home state.  If anything, learning about her past with her “ex” will probably give me an even deeper insight into who she really is.  I think it’s probably the only way I can do it, because bringing that guy up is pretty much out of the question.  I learned that the hard way in the Hamptons.  I’m just thankful she can talk about him a little bit more with me now.

“God, I hate these things.”

“Here, let me fix it.”  I laugh a little as I stop Abbey from fidgeting with her snowboard boots.  She’s not good at this, at all.  I think she’s fallen down more times on this trip than I ever have since I’ve been coming here.  It slows us down on the slopes, but I don’t care.  It’s fun boarding with her.  I’ve never been boarding with anyone.  When I made these trips in the past, I made them alone.

“Justin I don’t know if I should go out today,” she huffs.  “You’re never going to have any fun if I’m slowing you down.  I can stay behind with the boys and have a snowball fight or something.”

“Come on babe,” I flash her a reassuring smile and kiss her forehead before I finish working on her boots.  “The boys have ski camp today as it is.  You know they don’t want to miss that, they’ve been having a good time.”

“I feel like I make you look like an asshole.”

I laugh.  Really, she’s ridiculous.  “You could never make me look like an asshole,” I remind her.  “I’ve made myself look like one, too many times.  Believe me, there’s not chance of you doing it.”

She rolls her eyes.  “Justin...”

I silence her with a long kiss on the mouth, and when I break it I can tell I’ve cured her of anymore insecurities.  “You ready?” I whisper.

She smirks a little bit.  “Yeah, I guess.”

Abbey gets the boys and we walk them to the ski camp they’ve been attending.  Davey gets excited when he sees his teacher and runs up to give her a hug.  It’s great.  He’s really starting to warm up to people.  After the “Dalton episode” I knew I couldn’t question the fact that he needed special education anymore.  It hurt my ego, but Abbey made me understand that I didn’t have a choice.  Brimwood turned out to be a good place once I gave it a chance.  His teacher seems to be really great, patient, and with all the special programs they have to offer, I know Davey will eventually be okay.

Seeing him act like this with a stranger right now, is proving that he’s already changing.

“See you guys later,” I call out as I take Abbey by the hand.

“Why can’t I just come with you?” Austin huffs as we’re about to walk away.

I groan.

“I thought you liked ski camp.” Abbey says as she lets go of my hand and turns back around.

I turn around too, in time to see Austin slap his hands down at his sides.  “I’m the oldest kid here,” he mutters.  

“You need to stick with your brother,” I huff, and nod at him, hoping he’ll get the hint that this is my time with Abbey.

I mean, I love the kid, I do...but I need alone time with Abbey.  As much time as I can get.

“This sucks!” He yells at me.  “This is baby camp!  You promised you’d show me how to snowboard, Justin!”

I did.  I can’t deny that, but I hate that he has such a good memory.  I was going to try to work in a little bit of time on the slopes with him tomorrow, our last day here.  But it’s obvious to me that Austin is bored with the bunny slopes and wants to spend his time with me.  That should make me feel really great...

But I was hoping to get Abbey in a secluded snow bank and make out with her for most of the afternoon.  I can’t do that with a kid hanging around.

“Justin...let’s just take him.  It’s fine,” Abbey reassures me.  

I look at her, and give her a pleading gaze.  

“He’s miserable,” she whispers.  “Wouldn’t you be? I mean, he’s right.  Those kids are all Davey’s age or younger.”

I sigh harshly and gaze up at the sky for a moment.  “Fine, Aus.”

“All right!”

Abbey laughs.  I know I’ve made them both happy, and that’s good I guess but damn, my hormones have been raging for days and it hasn’t exactly been easy to be intimate with Abbey when the cabin bedrooms are in such close quarters.  We’ve fooled around, yeah, but quietly...and certainly not as much as we’ve wanted to.  I won’t hold my sexual dilemma against my kid brother though.  That’s wrong and...kind of sick, so I’ll just take the day as it is and make time for Abbey and I to be alone later.

We walk to the ski lift and I make sure Abbey and Austin get on okay before I get on with them.  I’ve chosen an easy part of the mountain of course.  I’m not jumping out of my boots or anything because it’s not a challenge for me, but I’m content with the fact that I’ll be able to teach my girlfriend and Austin a thing or two before the end of the day.

Hopefully, Abbey won’t fall down half as much as yesterday.

The lift ride is about twenty minutes, and Abbey and I spend that time holding hands and taking in the beautiful view of the mountains, while Austin plays with his iPod the whole time.  I swear to god, the kid is obsessed with that thing.  I’m not a technological guru and I have no idea how to work one of them, but Austin carts it everywhere he goes.  I know it’s engraved on the back, as it was a birthday present to him from our parents.  His last one before they passed.  It’s why I never say anything to him about using it too much, and certainly wouldn’t think of taking it away as a punishment.   

“It was sweet of you to bring him along.”  Abbey smiles at me gently as I turn my attention back to her.  “He’s been talking about snowboarding with you since before we left.”

I shrug a little.  “I would’ve rather spent the time alone with you,” I whisper.

She rolls her eyes.  “If you behave, there will be plenty of alone time for us later.”

I cock my head to the side.  “Yeah...discreet quiet alone time. We can’t even put that hot tub to good use,” I pout.

“Oh yee of little faith,” she cackles.

I lean in closer to her.  “What’re you up to?” I laugh.

“I have ways of getting you alone, Timberlake,” she winks.  “I know people up here, you tend to forget.”

I gasp.  “You found a babysitter?”

“I’m not telling you,” she says, playfully crossing her arms.  “You just better be on your best behavior today, mister.”

I press my forehead into hers and grin.  “Did I forget to tell you how sexy you are today?”

“Hm, you may have.  I won’t let it count against your scorecard tally for the day though.  You got those points back for letting Austin come along.”

“Well, thanks boss.”

“My iPod!”

I gasp and snap my head around to look at my brother.  He’s leaning over the security gate, trying to grab his iPod that somehow fell down onto the bottom rail of our lift.  It slipped through the grates and is only hanging on by the earbud wire.  I know it’s a gonner. “Austin! Sit up!”

“No!” He wails and slides himself underneath our protective barrier.  “My iPod! I’m gonna lose it!”

“Austin! Get back here now!”

I grab for his arm and miss.

“Austin!” Abbey screams.

The whole thing takes about three seconds.  I see his iPod slip away, and then he loses his balance and falls off the lift right after it.  We must be a good ten feet of the ground right now, as we’ve drawn close to the top of the mountain.

“AUSTIN!” I scream.

I see him hit the snowy ground.

He doesn’t move.

Fuck, no.  No. No. No.

“Oh my god!” Abbey cries and covers her mouth.  “Oh my god!”

I don’t think.  “Stay here.”  I yell it to Abbey before I unlock the security gate, and jump down after him.  I can hear her screaming after me, but I dont’ think about that.  The only thing I can think about is my baby brother lying in the snow...hurt...

Dead...

I land on my side.  It kills.  My body is burning and I’m not sure if I’ve just broken anything, but I don’t think about that.  I force myself to my feet and half run, half limp to where Austin is lying face down in the snow, falling to my knees when I finally reach him.  “Austin.”  I yank his goggles and hat off before removing my gloves and turning him over.  There is blood running out of his nose and down his face.  It chills me to the core.  “Austin!” I yell at him and run my hands through his hair and over his cheeks.  “Austin wake up!  Wake up!”  

I’m shaking him.

I can’t lose him.

I can’t lose one more person without getting to say goodbye.

“Justin...”

His voice comes now, weakly, barely above a whisper.  My eyes snap open and I blink away the tears I didn’t realize had formed.  “Aus...”  I laugh a little and smile.  “Buddy, are you okay?”

“My arm hurts,” he whimpers.  “I can’t move it.”

I hear sirens in the distance.  I know the first thing Abbey probably did when she got off the lift was tell the ranger what happened.  “It’ll be okay.” I say, and continue to stroke his forehead and his hair.  “You...you’re crazy, you know?  Falling out of ski lifts over a thing like that.”

He smiles slightly.  I can’t believe he’s sucking up all the pain this well.

Then again, he’s really great at bottling up his emotions.

Kind of like me.

“Will you find my iPod?” He whimpers again, and scrunches his face up in pain, causing more blood to come gushing out of his nostrils.  “Please, Justin?”

I lean down and kiss his forehead.  I never do shit like this, but right now, I’m so damn thankful that all he probably has is a broken arm and a bloody nose that I don’t care how sappy it is.  I...I don’t know what I would do if I lost him.  If I lost either of my brothers.  My heart starts to ache, and I start to cry right there in front of him.  “I’ll try, okay?” I sob.

“I love you Justin,” he whispers.

“I love you too, Aus.”  

I run my fingers through his hair some more and then his eyes close.  He’s passed out because of the pain, and I know that, but it’s better for him.  Soon there are paramedics surrounding us.  Two of them brought a stretcher and two more of them ask me to move aside so they can start to examine my brother.  I step back and cover my mouth with my hand, still trying to take it in that he’s okay...that he’s not dead.

“Justin.”

I turn and I’m immediately wrapped up in Abbey’s arms.  I bury my face in her shoulder and cry so hard.  It’s the hardest I’ve ever cried in front of her.  “I took my eyes off him for a second,” I whimper.  “I thought we lost him.”

“I know.”  She holds me tighter and rubs the back of my neck soothingly.  “So did I.”

I continue to cry, to let all of my fear and pain out through her because I don’t know what else to do.  I realize this is my breaking point.  Seeing Austin fall, get hurt like that is taking me back to my parents death, how I watched their bodies get lowered into the ground, how I barely mourned for them.  It’s too much.  I just...I can’t take it.

“You’re okay,” I hear her whisper in my hear.  “Justin, everything is okay.  Austin will be okay.”

It takes me a few more minutes but I finally manage to look up at her.  She squeezes my hand.  “The paramedics are taking him to the nearest hospital,” she nods.  “C’mon.  Let’s get Davey and go.”

I don’t say a word, I just follow her, because she knows exactly what to do.  She’s here for me, and I realize she’ll always be here for me, because she loves me.

She’s loved me since the first time she told me she did.  I was just too ignorant to accept it, but yet she stayed.  She tried, and I will never ever doubt her feelings for me or my feelings for her again.

How the hell did I get so lucky?  It’s like I was allowed a second chance to better myself.  It’s like she was sent to me somehow.

Maybe, just maybe, somebody up there is watching out for me.  Somebody that I never was able to say goodbye to.  Maybe this is my reward for helping my brothers, for trying to raise them right.  Maybe mom and dad are looking out for me...for my brothers too.

Maybe I haven’t really lost them after all.