After that first meeting with Braeden, I felt like my whole stay in DC was going to be that way.  That we would just be together, all the time, talking and catching up.  I realized more than anything, how badly I needed to figure things out with us.  I wanted to know what he was thinking, because if I did, I was sure it would help me figure out what the hell I was supposed to do.

It was a nice thought, but I quickly realized that Braeden’s homecoming was to be nothing like that.  In fact, I think I was able to spend a total of five hours with him the entire time I was in DC.  We spent those precious few minutes together at the airport, both in tears, kissing like two stupid teenagers, before we stopped and stared each other.  It was then that he was pulled away from me by the military liaison, and propelled forward toward the exit.  Anthony wasn’t far behind, being escorted by his own liaison, only he was able to be with his wife and child.  I didn’t get it, and I knew Braeden didn’t either.  He started to protest while I stood there, sobbing, still in shock from being in his arms for a few minutes, only to have him ripped away from me again.  

“Wait!” He said, struggling against the grip of the liaison as he looked back at me, his eyes desperate and fearful, as if he was about to lose me again.  “No, wait! Abbey...”

“They’ll follow us to the hospital, honey,” Barbara told him, stroking his hair and the nape of his neck, not allowing him to look back at me anymore as they walked away.

I watched his retreating backside until I couldn’t see him anymore.  Then the rest of the family came up behind me, and helped me to walk out of there so we could follow Braeden to the hospital.  He was taken in a separate car and everything.  I didn’t understand why Barbara was allowed to go and I wasn’t.  I was told on the way to the hospital that he and Anthony were still under military command, and they could only have one family member a piece with them in the government car.  Naturally, because Barbara was a clingy bitch, it had to be her.  

I thought, and I still maintain this, that I deserved to be in that car with him after everything we’d been put through.  It was me he was calling out for, not his mommy.

Barbara has always gotten her way though, except when it came to that bank account with my name on it.  I knew she was still holding it against me, despite her warm smile and pleasant demeanor when we met that Monday at breakfast.  It was like she was trying to start a war between us...

But why? All I wanted to do was spend some time with her son.  Her son that had been...God...sold into slavery for seven years.

That’s what the military liaison told me, when I went asking questions that day at the hospital.  Braeden arrived before we did, and was taken to the ICU immediately.  Sammy, Mark, and Barbara were the only people allowed to go with him, and I was growing more frustrated every minute I was stuck out in that waiting room.  It was why I started to take my aggressions out on the liaison, although, I’m pretty sure that he was used to that sort of thing. I could tell he didn’t want to give me details regarding Braeden’s disappearance though, most likely because Braedan wanted it that way.  But he should have known better.  I never backed down, for anybody, and why would I have started then?

“We have an idea of who is responsible,” he said to me.  “We believe it’s a widespread slavery ring controlled by two or three top members of the Taliban.  With Braeden and Anthony’s help, we’ve already been able to track down a few more of the kidnappers.  We’re trying to stop it, and we’re also making our men and women overseas aware of the situation.”

“Fucking great,” I whimpered and wiped at my eyes.  “You should have worked harder to stop it before it happened to anyone.”

He was silent.  He knew there was nothing he could say that could make up for what happened, and so did I.  I just let it go, and I think he was grateful.  He practically ran away from me, and I decided that was fine.  I was done with the United States Military, wanted nothing to do with them, because they’d almost managed to destroy my entire life and Braeden’s too.  

I realized if it hadn’t been for Justin, I would have been done for, long before Braeden came home.

But I couldn’t think about Justin then.  The only person I could think about, was Braeden.  
I’d kissed him.

I’d kissed him and I didn’t feel guilty about it.

What did that mean? Did it mean that I was in love with him? I had no fucking clue, but I knew I needed to figure it out.  I needed to be with Braeden, talk to him, because the last thing I wanted was to hurt Justin.  I needed to be honest with him, and with myself.  But nobody was giving us that time together.  Those doctors kept Braeden in the ICU for hours, even though he seemed to be able to do for himself when we were standing in the airport, kissing.  I kept asking for an answer as to why I was being kept from him, but nobody would tell me anymore than I already knew.  I cried on Charlene’s shoulder, on my mother’s shoulder, until I had no more energy left.  I ended up falling asleep on somebody.  I can’t remember who right now.  It might have been daddy.  

The next thing I remember is being nudged awake.  I opened my eyes and came face to face with Sammy, and forced a smile for him.  I looked around.  My parents and sister were gone.  “Where...what happened to...”

“It’s late,” he smiled a little.  “They went back to the hotel to get some rest.”

I had always loved Sammy.  He was very quiet, always let Barbara have the upper hand, but he was so sweet that I couldn’t hold it against him.  Braeden had his eyes.  I found myself staring into them then, as sick as it was.  “Oh...”

“Want me to sneak you in?” He winked.

I jolted upright.  “Can...can I?”

“Sure, sure.”  He helped me up with a smile.  “I think he’d like that.  Barbara’s been hovering over him like a hawk all day.  I finally got her to go back to the hotel with Mark about an hour ago.”

I wanted to say: ‘thank God’, but knew better.  I knew it was better to keep my mouth shut and not make derogatory comments about his wife, if I wanted more than ten minutes with Braeden.

I just...I guess I just wish I was more prepared for what I was about to see when I entered the hospital room.  It never occurred to me that something could have been seriously wrong with Braeden, just because he walked on his own and had been able to hold me up when I practically fainted from being in his presence.  But when I saw him lying there, I knew he’d been forcing that strength for me.

In reality, he was a mess.

They had to lie him on his stomach because of...because of what happened to his back.  I just stood in the doorway and stared while Sammy rubbed my shoulder and told me to take my time before he walked away from me.  The skin on Braeden’s back, which at one time had been smooth, and soft, a part of his body that I loved to massage and rub sun tan lotion on in the summers, had now been reduced to a canvas of raw, torn up skin.  There were deep, long gashes going every which way up and down and across his back.  Lash marks, like somebody had beat him with something day in and day out.  I started to lose it, sob all over again, even though I didn’t want to.

“Abbey.” His voice came weakly and he tried to pick his head up to look at me, but the angle was too awkward, and they’d strapped the lower half of his body down to the bed with something so he wouldn’t be able to roll over and injur himself further.  “Hey, don’t...don’t cry.”

I could tell he was a little drowsy, and was sure he’d been doped up with every drug possible to cure the pain from his injuries.  “Bray...”

“That chair...” He raised his arm slowly and pointed to a chair positioned next to the bed.  “Sit there.”

I did it without a thought.  Anything he wanted.  I would have done it then.  I stared back at him once I sat down, and all he could seem to do was smile, even though I knew he was in intense, intense, pain.

“Hi, Babs,” he whispered, adjusting his face on the pillow so it wouldn’t look as squished against it.

“Hi...” I trailed off and tried to smile, but only ended up sobbing instead.  I wiped the tears from my face as he watched me, and I felt like a fool.  There he was, right in front of me after seven years of what I knew was pure torture, and all I could was cry.  “I’m...I’m sorry...”

“Shh.”  He hissed, and then smiled.

I forced myself to smile back, because I knew it was what he needed then.

“There.” He nodded slightly, and reached his hand out to me.  There were four or five IV’s connected to it.  “That’s what I like.”  

I took his hand carefully, fearful that I would mess up the tubing, and he laced his fingers through mine.  “Will it...get better, your back?” I asked him next.

“They say it will, over time,” he told me, his smile unwavering as he pulled my hand up to his mouth and kissed it softly.  “Right now they’re changing the dressing, so I have to stay on my stomach like this.  They put some kind of medication on my back that has to set in, and in the morning, I’ll get a new dressing so I can put some clothes on.  I can’t feel anything right now, so don’t worry.  I’m doped up like a two cent hooker.”

It was uncanny that he could joke about it so freely with me. I knew he needed to do it to maintain his own sanity though, so I managed to laugh along with him.  

“I’m sorry,” he told me after a while, his smile finally fading away.  “I’m sorry that I left and...that this had to happen, Babs.”

“No...Bray, please,” I whimpered.  “It’s not your fault.”

“I should have been here for you,” he persisted.  “I wasn’t.”

“It wasn’t your fault.  I whispered it as I leaned forward a little, and caressed his face with my free hand.  He’d been burdened with so much for so long, and there was no reason for him to be apologizing to me. “You’re here now,” I whispered.

His smile returned.  “Yeah.  I guess I am.”

He leaned forward and kissed me.  For the second time that day, I allowed him to do it, lost myself in him.  I didn’t care about anything else.

“Excuse me kids,” a woman’s voice said, breaking up our kissing session.  “Time for lights out.”

I pulled away from Braeden and looked down at my lap, feeling my face burning with embarrassment.  

r32;“Jen,” Braeden groaned pathetically to his nurse.  “C’mon.  Five minutes.”

“No can do, mister,” she smirked, and made her way over to me, motioning me to get up from the chair.  “That medication needs to set in and you need to sleep.”

“See you tomorrow, Ab?” He asked me hopefully.  “We can have breakfast.  Right Jen?”

She eyed me suspiciously, like I didn’t belong there.  “Are you immediate family?”

“She is,” Braeden spoke up immediately.  “Abbey Feldman.  I want her on my list.”

Jen rolled her eyes a little bit, but smiled then, knowing I wasn’t just anybody.  “He’ll eat at nine, if you want to come back then.  Make sure you bring this with you.”  She pulled a pass out of her scrubs and handed it to me.  A bright red one that said ICU Visitor in big black letters.

“Okay.”  I smiled a little as I took it from her.  “Get some rest.”  I ran my hand through his silky brown hair, before slowly walking away from him.

“Babs.”

I turned back as I reached the door way.  “Yeah.”

“I love you.”

I pressed my lips together.

I still couldn’t say it.

“Night, Bray.”

I walked out of there, the tears immediately pouring out of my eyes.  I sobbed all the way down the hall, the scarring on his back making me feel terrible..and angry, sick to my stomach.  I wanted to kill the people responsible...but I couldn’t, it was impossible.  Sammy was waiting out in the lobby for me, and I think he knew exactly what was wrong, because the next thing I knew he’d wrapped his arms around me, and hugged me long and hard while I continued to sob. He gave a damn.  He knew what Braeden and I had shared at one time in our lives, and that I still meant a great deal to his son.  Only, I had no idea what I was supposed to do...what I was supposed to tell Braeden the next time he told me he loved me and I couldn’t say it back.

I was going to have to explain Justin at some point, I knew that.  I just didn’t know when I would get the chance.  It certainly wasn’t going to be like that though...while he was laid up in a hospital bed, unable to move.  It would have to wait, but the longer I held out, the more hurt I knew he was going to be.  

But what could I do?

I was up early the next morning to have breakfast with Braeden.  The liaison had told us he would send a car each morning to bring us to the hospital, and when I got downstairs, I immediately bumped into Barbara who seemed to be on the way there herself.

“Oh, Abbey...” she trailed off and seemed to force a smile.  “Are you going to the hospital at this hour?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.  “Braeden invited me to breakfast.”

“Well.” She flashed me a tight smile.  “That’s nice.”

Our ride to the hospital was completely silent.  I knew she had nothing to say to me, and after the way she acted at the airport, I had absolutely nothing to say to her either.  We walked into the ICU together, and I pulled my pass out, much to her dismay.  I guess she thought I would get turned away and she would win that round.  But she was wrong.

Braeden was already awake when we entered the room.  He’d been turned over, was propped up in bed with some pillows, wearing a hospital gown.  A tray was pulled up to his chest, and he was devouring a plate of toast and a bowl of cereal, shoving the food into his face like he hadn’t eat in years.

“Morning,” he smiled brightly as he looked up at us.  He was a little bit better that morning.  His face had more color, and he seemed to have more energy all around.

But his eyes though.  His eyes were still dull and lifeless.

It worried me.

“Hey baby.”  Barbara smiled and made her way over to him, proceeding to fluff his pillows, run her fingers through his hair, and kiss his cheek.  “How do you feel?”

He wouldn’t take his eyes off of me.  “I’m...you know...I’ll be okay.”

I looked down at the floor.  There were questions in his expression.  Questions he was dying to ask me like...did I love him anymore.  He couldn’t ask them with his mother there though, and part of me was thankful.  

“Braeden.”

We all looked towards the doorway.  His military liaison was standing there with a smile on his face.  

“Good morning sir,” Braeden nodded.

“Son,” he smiled again and placed an envelope on his tray.  “You’re being awarded the Medal Of Honor.  They’d like to conduct the ceremony here in Washington, the day after tomorrow, if you’re up for it.”

Braeden dropped his spoon.  Barbara covered her mouth with her hand, and I just stood there, shocked.

“W-why?” Braeden asked next.

“The president heard your story, and Anthony also confirmed that you’re the one who initiated the attack and led the two of you to safety.  That and ensuring the recovery of Captain Lennot’s body...”

“No.”  He snapped quickly at the mention of that name, and shook his head roughly.  “Tell them I don’t want it.”

“Braeden!” Barbara gasped, before looking back at the liaison.  “He’s just...under the weather,” she explained with a nervous laugh.  “We’ll get him ready.”r32;

“No, you won’t,” he said sternly.

It was the first time he’d been that serious since he came home.  Something was effecting him deeply.  The look on his face was telling me he didn’t think he deserved it.

But I couldn’t understand why.

He was a hero.

“Bray,” I interjected and stepped closer to him.  “I think you should take it.  The president wouldn’t give it to you if he didn’t think you deserved it.”

He stared back at me for a very long moment, like he was dying to tell me something, but couldn’t.  “I...I don’t know.”

I put a hand on his shoulder.  “Come on Bray.”  I forced a smile for him.  “It’s important.”

He sighed and rubbed his face with his hands.  “I...I guess so,” he said, unenthusiastically.  

“Great,” the liaison smiled.  “We’ll inform the president's staff, and speak with your doctors about getting you out of here on time for the ceremony.  How does that sound?”

“Wonderful.  I’ll make sure to shine my boots to military standard.”

It was sarcasm.  One of the things I’d always loved about him.

“Well...” the liaison trailed off.  “I’ll be in touch.”

He turned on his heel and walked out.

Braeden continued to eat his food, not speaking to either of us as he did so.  I realized his carefree demeanor had completely changed in the five minutes that it took the liaison to give him the news.  It meant that he’d been putting on an act since he got off the plane.  At least for the rest of his family.  I couldn’t say the same for me, because I knew how he felt about us, and it was probably the only real, happy emotion that he had inside of him when he was holding me in his arms and kissing me.

“Braeden this is signed by the president,” Barbara said happily as she looked at the letter, and covered her mouth with her hand for a moment.  “What an amazing honor!”

“Yeah,” he muttered and shoveled more cereal in his mouth.

She stroked his hair as he continued to eat.  “You’ll be more receptive when you’re at the ceremony,” she reassured him.  “You’re just in recovery mode right now.”

I saw him smirk as he shoved more toast in his mouth, but he wouldn’t look at her.  I took a seat in the corner of the room.

Awkward silence ensued.  

“I’m going to get a coffee,” Barbara announced.  “Abbey,” she paused and smiled as she looked over in my direction.  “Would you like a coffee?”

It was a weird change.  She was actually thinking of somebody other than herself, and even weirder, that person was me.  “Sure,” I nodded.  “Thank you.”

“I’ll be back in a little bit.”  She put the letter back on Braeden’s tray table and kissed him on the cheek before walking out of the room, leaving us by ourselves.

But Braeden didn’t try to initiate conversation with me like he had the night before.  He just continued to eat and drink to his hearts content, glancing at me slightly every few seconds, as if he was trying to ensure I hadn’t disappeared on him.

“What is it?” I finally asked him.

He paused, mid chew.  “Huh?”

“I mean...” I trailed off and looked down at my lap.  “It’s a great honor, Braeden.”

“It’s a piece of metal, coming from the hands of a man who couldn’t have cared less where I ended up.”

“That’s not true...” I began.

He laughed at me, and forced me to cut my speech short.  “Do you think...do you think they care about me Abbey? Do you really think they care that I watched my...my best friend die in my arms? They don’t.  It’s just more publicity for them.  ‘Bush honors war hero,’” he muttered.  “That’s what’s important to Washington.”

I heard the crunching sound of his cereal being chewed again and I knew he was serious.  For the first time, I was beginning to understand part of what he’d been through.  He was finally allowing himself to break down a little bit instead of putting on a happy face for us all.  I should have been glad that he was showing an actual personality.

But I couldn’t be.

He was scaring me to death.

“So who is he?”

I looked up at him again, eyes wide, completely breathless.  It was so random, the way he said it, like he’d known all along.  “I...Bray...”

“I know there’s someone else,” he whispered, and took another drink out of his cup, before rasing the empty cereal bowl to his lips and guzzling the milk to the last drop.  “I suspected it at the airport, and I figured it out last night, when you couldn’t tell me that you loved me.”

He was changing the subject, putting all of his pain and aggression on me.  I wanted to be mad at him and tell him it wasn’t the time or place to talk about it, but I knew that would have been childish.  Braeden had never played around before.  He wanted to truth from me then, and in the past, I’d always been able to give it to him.  But it was only the second day.  He’d only been home two days.  I wanted to wait at least until the end of the week, but the way he was gazing at me, expecting me to answer him, told me that I couldn’t wait.  That I would have to give him an answer then.

“I...I met somebody, last year,” I whispered, refusing to look at him, only at my lap.  

“You’ve been with him up until now?”

He said it gently.  I knew he didn’t want to alarm me, sound enraged.  He just...cared about me too much.  It made me think it was okay to look him in the eye again, so I did.  “Yes,” I rasped.  “I’m still with him.”

He leaned back into his pillows and sighed, staring out the window for a moment, before finally landing his gaze back on me.  “So it’s serious?”

I shrugged.  “I mean...”

“It is,” he pointed out.  “You wouldn’t have hesitated to tell me about this last night, if it wasn’t.”

“I don’t know what’s going on right now,” I blurted out, my eyes filling with tears yet again.  “I need to think, Bray!  I need to talk to you! But...but it’s like we can’t talk, not for the amount of time we need to!”

“Look,” he huffed, sitting up a little bit taller in the bed.  “I love you, Abbey.  I love you more than anything, and I never stopped.  No matter what they were doing to me, I think I forced myself to push through it because I believed you would be here when I got back.  I would lie awake at night and think of you.  You kept me sane, you got me through seven damn years.  You’re the only thing that could have.”

My lips trembled, and I covered my mouth with my hand, starting to sob right there in front of him yet again.  I didn’t want to.  It wasn’t the right time, and I was positive his mother was going to walk back in any moment, and start to ask questions.  But it couldn’t be helped.  Braeden knew me inside and out, and I don’t know what in the world possessed me to think that I could keep something like Justin from him.  He could see right through me, right into my heart, like always.

He was still madly in love with me.

The better part of me was telling me I was still madly in love with him too.

But then there was Justin, unfailing in his faith that I was coming back home to move forward with our lives.

 “Abbey.”  

It took me a moment to pick my face up out of my hands, and then...he was right in front of me, stroking my face and pleading with me not to cry. I gasped because he’d yanked the IV’s from his hand.  He wasn’t supposed to be out of bed.  He could hurt himself more and it would be all my fault.  “You can’t be...you can’t be out of bed.”

“I love you, and you love me too.” He persisted, ignoring my comment, and pressed his lips to mine, leading me into a long, lingering kiss.  “Whoever he is,” he began, as he broke the kiss.  “He’ll have to understand that.”

He expected me to dump Justin like he never mattered.  I couldn’t call him selfish though.  Braeden wasn’t selfish.  He’d gotten lost in the world, and continued to consider me his girlfriend the entire time.  In his eyes, nothing about our relationship had changed.  Only...it had changed.  It had changed because I’d changed, and I’d changed because Justin had loved me enough to show me how.  But Braeden didn’t know that, and I knew would never understand.  He didn’t want to understand my relationship with Justin, and I knew it from that very moment.  The only thing he wanted to do, I was certain, was get back to our life.

“It’s not that simple,” I finally replied.  

He shook his head a little, confusion riddling his expression.  “Why not?”

For the first time I saw real emotions enter his eyes.  It was pain, worry, and fear.  He was terrified that I was going to walk away and he would lose me for the second time in his life.  “Because...because I love him too.”

He said nothing, just continued to stare back at me.  He was hurt, and I knew that.  I hated that I was the cause of it, but what choice did I have? I had to tell him the truth, because I’d never lied to him before in my life.  

“What are you saying?” He whispered, pulling back from me and slowly rising to his feet, wincing slightly as he did it.  “Are you...are you saying you don’t want to be with me?”

“No,” I murmured.  “I’m just saying that I need more time.”

“Braeden!”

Barbara was standing in the doorway, a cup of coffee in each hand, her expression full of anger and worry because her son was out of bed.  

“Mom I...”

r32;r32;“Get back in bed!” She yelled, and sent me a dirty look, before putting the coffees down and racing over to where her son stood.  “What in the world made you think it was okay for him to pull the IV’s out of his arm?” She screamed at me next.

I cowered in my chair as I watched her slowly help him back into the bed.  “I...”

“You can’t...you can’t do that!  You’re not a doctor!  You don’t know what’s best for him!”

Her eyes were filled with tears.  She was terrified for some reason.  Like the fact that Breaden was out of bed meant he was going to disintegrate before her eyes or something.  She was completely overreacting, like she always did, with everything.  

“Ma,” Braeden spoke up as he slowly settled back against his pillows.

She ignored him.  “I mean it!” She continued to yell, as I stared back at her.  “Don’t mess things up, Abbey!  This is why I didn’t want you in here!”

I started to cry again, hard and heavy.  I hated it, but she was tearing into me after a gut wrenching conversation with her son, and I couldn’t hold my emotions back.

“Mom!” Braeden yelled at her.

Her head snapped around to look back at her son.  

“Don’t yell at her like that,” he snapped.  “Don’t you dare.”

“Braeden,” she whispered.  “It’s just that you’re...you’re not well.”

“I got out of bed,” he told her sternly.  “It was my choice.  I’m not a child.”

“Baby...”

“Can I please have some time with her?” he grunted.  “I need some time with her.  Fuck, you had the whole day yesterday, mom.  It’s Abbey’s turn now.”

Barbara was silent as she stared back at him.  I knew she must have hated my guts then, but I wasn’t going to say anything.  Braeden was handling the situation. I didn’t have a clue where he was channeling his energy from, how he could hold his head high and put his mother in her place when he’d been apart from her for so long.  I realized it was important to him though.  So important for him to be alone with me.  

Nothing else mattered to him in that moment, nobody else was as important to him as I was.  He was being disrespectful to his mother for my sake, and yet, I was still worried about Justin.

I felt like shit.

“If that’s what you want,” she said next, hardly above a whisper.  “I’ll send the nurse in the fix the IV.”

She started to walk away, on the brink of a breakdown, but then Braeden softly called out to her and she turned back around.

“I love you mom,” he nodded, and I could see a few tears glide down his face.  “I’m...I’m sorry.  We’ll talk later, okay?”

She rushed back to him and smiled gently as she kissed his face.  “I’ll see you later on, Bray.”

She wouldn’t look at me as she walked out of the room. The nurse came in moments later, scolding Braeden for potentially making himself worse as she inserted the IV’s back into his arm and checked his backside before leaving us again.

I knew it was going to be a long, hard struggle to get on good terms with Barbara again.  I wasn’t sure I was up to the challenge, but I knew that if I did decide to stay with Braeden, I was going to have to try my best.  It was no secret that Braeden had always shared a special connection with his mother.  At one time, Barbara and I had been very close too.  Her son’s disappearance had warped her though, especially since she had been battling cancer at the time.  She was never the same after that, and in turn, our relationship faded away.  She focused on the money he’d left behind because it was all that was left of Braeden, and resented me because I wouldn’t give it up.  I didn’t want Braeden to know about all of that, but I knew he would find out.  Mark would tell him everything eventually, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

But I didn’t want Braeden to hold a grudge against his mother.

“I know you’re confused right now,” he told me, several minutes later, once the icy chill of his mother’s attitude had passed.  “But Abbey, I’m just asking you to open your eyes a little bit.”

I stared at him.  

“It’s me, baby,” he said next, sobbing the words out.  “I’m home.  Have you...has it hit you yet, that I’m alive?  That I’m going to be here for you tomorrow, the next day...next week, next month, next year?”

What he said began to hit me hard.  I slowly began to realize how much in shock I still was from his sheer presence.  I kept thinking him being there was just a temporary thing.  That I would wake up the next day and he would be gone again.  But Braeden was proving something to me.  He wasn’t going anywhere.  He was home, to stay, and he wanted me to love him again like I always had.  “I don’t know what to do,” I admitted, hating myself for it.  “I’m...I’m in love with him.”

He was silent for a while.  “Give me a chance to help you remember me.  That’s all I’m asking.”

“I...”

“I deserve it,” he whimpered, beginning to have an emotional breakdown right in front of me.  “I...I fought so hard to get home to you, baby.  Please...please don’t leave me.  I couldn’t take it.”

I slowly got up from the chair and went to him.  He was sobbing so hard then, that I could see his body trembling, and I refused to just...let him have a nervous breakdown while I sat by and did nothing.  It hit me so hard, how much he loved me, and I felt something inside of me pushing, pushing so hard to understand him, to remember how he made me feel all those years ago. I sat down beside him, shifting his body over slightly so I could lay beside him and wrap my arms around him, holding him and consoling him as he cried into me.  “I’m right here,” I whispered in his ear.  “I’m not leaving you, Bray.”

“Don’t leave me,” he cried.

He kept saying it.

I knew there was nothing I could do.  I had to stay.  I had to make sure he was okay.  That meant going back to Colorado the following week to help get him settled back in with the family members and close friends he hadn’t seen in seven years.  It was something I didn’t think I would be doing, originally.  I thought I could talk things out with Braeden, explain I had responsibilities to the boys and to Justin, and he would miraculously understand.  I was a fool, an idiot, and selfish to think that way.  Of course he wouldn’t understand.  He had more love for me inside of him than most people knew in a lifetime.  We’d always had a special love, a special bond.  I should have been thankful that he’d come home alive to me.  Anybody else in my situation would have been. As we sat there, and he cried, I found myself becoming more attached, remembering things about our relationship that I hadn’t recalled in years.  The little things I’d always loved about him were rushing back to me...those things I’d been forced to forget due to his absence.    

There was no way I could have turned away from him after that.  

At the same time though, I had no idea what I was supposed to tell Justin.  I knew I would have to return to New York before I left for Colorado to get another weeks worth of clothes together.  Then Justin and I would have to talk...if he was even willing to talk about it.  I knew how he was, how closed off he could become if something detrimental happened in his life.  I didn’t want that to happen.  I wanted him to give me the time I needed to deal with Braeden.  I was still convinced I would go back to him, and that he would wait for me.  

I tried to call him that afternoon to tell him I planned to be home on Saturday.  He didn’t answer.  I figured he was at work, that it wasn't a big deal.

I tried to make myself believe that.

But there was a nagging feeling forming in the pit of my stomach, that was telling me all was not so well on the home front.

I couldn’t dwell on it though.  Too much was going on, and after I sat with Braeden that morning in the hospital, I found myself being pulled in every direction by my family.  All kinds of people wanted to talk to us, sympathize with us, and tell us how to deal with a recovering Braeden.  We had to go to a special meeting, because we were informed that not only would Braeden be receiving the medal of honor, but also that the president wanted to meet the families of the victims before the ceremony.  There were all kinds of waivers we had to sign, and all sorts of rules we had to read through.  By the morning of the ceremony I was completely exhausted, hadn’t seen Braeden for more than ten minutes since our breakfast visit, and was totally ready to hole myself up in bed for a few days without any sort of human contact.

I realized it was my turn to be strong though.  Be strong for Braeden because he’d been so strong for so long and survived so much.  He was counting on me to keep both of our families sane, I realized, because he couldn’t.  With the exception of the first two days, the military took up most of his time.  He had to go through all kinds of psychiatric evaluations, and physical examinations.  I had stopped asking questions a long time ago.  I knew...I knew that when they were finally done with him, and I was finally done tending to our families needs, that we would have the time we deserved to really talk, really reconnect again.  I just had to stay sane in the process.

It was fucking hard though, and all the while, Justin and the boys were in the back of my mind, even if I didn’t want them to be.

Meeting President Bush was...just okay.  I mean, of course my family was very excited.  He was very cordial with them, took the time to talk to all of us like we were so special to him.  I kept remembering what Braeden said about Washington’s need for publicity though, and I couldn’t get that out of my mind.  I had to force a smile and a kind, thankful personality when the guy finally shook my hand and told me how very sorry he was about Braeden’s captivity.  We took a picture together by ourselves.  He didn’t do that with the rest of my family.  They took one big group photo together.  I felt he could sense the resent me brewing inside of me, and it was why he was trying so hard to kiss my ass. But I didn’t care about pictures, or handshakes, or kind words of sympathy.

I felt like he’d taken something very special from me, so long ago, by putting America into a fight that had no end.  Something so special, that I could never get it back.

“We’re gonna take good care of you two,” he’d promised me as the Secret Service was ushering us out the room, since the ceremony was about to start.  “Don’t you worry about a thing, sweetheart.  We’ll make this right.”

The President of the United States kissed my cheek and hugged me.  I was disgusted.

It was a nice ceremony, although I could tell how nervous Braeden was when he was up on that stage, sitting there next to Anthony, listening to the president praise the two of them.  There were hundreds of people in the room, watching him, and something inside of me was nagging at me, telling me that it was scaring the crap out of Bray.  I watched as his eyes nervously darted around, and could see the thick beads of sweat rolling down his face from my place in the front row.  He was trembling.  All I wanted to do was get him out of there, but I knew I couldn’t.

Anthony and Braeden were both presented with the Bronze Star, the Prisoner of War medal, and the Purple Heart by the Secretary of Defense.  Then Braeden’s big moment came.  He was called forward and President Bush shook his hand and talked to him for a few moments, before placing the Medal of Honor around his neck.  Our families were both going nuts, laughing, crying and clapping for him.  I could see him forcing a smile for them all.  Then he looked at me, and I looked at him.

“I love you.” I mouthed to him, without thinking.

Then I saw it.  That smile.  Braeden’s smile.  The one he only showed to me.  The one that meant he loved me.

The one that meant he knew I wasn’t giving up on us yet.

“Have you even spoken to him?”

I glance back at Charlene as I zip my last suitcase shut.  “He’s been at work, I think.”

“But you left him a message.  Why didn’t he call you back?”
r32;

Charlene has been the one and only person that’s kept a level head during this whole thing.  She’s been the silent partner, stepping back and letting our family invade Braeden’s space.  I know she wants to talk and catch up with him too, but she knows that it’s too much for him right now.  She sacrificed her time with him for my sake I think, so I’d get more of it.  I love her.  I don’t think there’s a thing I could do to repay her for everything she’s done for me on this trip.  I told her about my plans to go back to Colorado.  She didn’t hesitate to tell me she’d come back with me.  It’ll be good for us to spend that time together...all three of us.  She needs her friend back too.

But at the same time, she didn’t hesitate to remind me about Justin’s feelings.  It’s strange.  She’s almost supportive of him now, despite the fact that she didn’t think too highly of him the first time they met.  “I dunno.” I mutter.  “He must be busy.”

“Ab.” She narrows her eyes at me.  “I saw him before we flew out here.  The guy is crazy about you.  Something must have happened.”

I shrug.  “What do you mean?”

“You know...that thing at the airport ended up on the news.”

I stare at her for a moment.  “Yeah, so?”

“So...” she trails off and sighs as she takes a seat on the edge of my bed.  “What if Justin happened to turn on the TV just to see you sucking face with Braeden?”

I laugh.  It’s too unrealistic to consider.  “Do you know what the odds are that he would have tuned into that?”

Her serious demeanor doesn’t waver.  “Stranger things have happened.”

It’s silent.  The more I stand here and stare at her the more I begin to realize that maybe, just maybe...she’s right.  I lean back and my butt hits the bed.  “Oh God,” I croak.

“Yeah,” she scoffs.  “Not so unrealistic, huh?”

I run a hand through my hair.  “Oh my god, Char.”

“What are you going to do?” She asks me quietly.  “What are you and Braeden doing?”

I look at her, my throat too dry to answer her for a moment.  It’s hitting me in the gut like a ten ton weight that Justin might be sitting at home wondering why the fuck he let himself fall in love with me.

Suddenly, everything is starting to seem like a jumbled pile of puzzle pieces with no edges.  There’s no beginning and no end, just one big mess that I can’t put back together, because there is no guide.

“I...at the ceremony...” I trail off.  “I...told Braeden that I loved him.”

“Fuck, Abbey,” she mutters.

I put my head in my hands.  “It just happened.”

Her hand is on my back as I sob, rubbing it gently.  She doesn’t say anything, because she knows I’ve fucked myself real good, and the only thing left for me to do is calm down and face Justin tomorrow.  

“You can’t lead them on,” she tells me, seriously.  “You’re going to have to make a decision this weekend and it’s not going to be easy, or pretty.  I know it’s a lot.  I do.  But I think it’s only fair after everything...”

“Who?” I whimper, cutting her off as I snap my head back to look at her.  “Who do I choose?”

She sighs heavily.  “I don’t know, Abbey.  All I know is that when you fly back to Colorado on Monday, you have to be able to tell Braeden if you’re staying or you’re leaving.  It’s not fair to him Abbey.  He’s been through enough hell.”

I nod a little, hating how my choice has to be made in a weekend.  But it’s the only way, especially because of the boys.  If I stick around for a month and leave, I know it will just do more damage.

I realize I have to be ready to say goodbye if things turn out that way.

But first, I need time with Justin.

“I’m going to get in bed.  Our flight is at nine, so be ready to leave at five.”  She gets up and gives me another sympathetic look, because she knows I’ve barely heard her.  “Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to stay with you?”

“No...I...I’m fine.”  I nod.  “I’ll just go to sleep.”

“You can’t lie to me,” she sighs as she heads for the door.  “Just...try to get some rest, okay?  I’ll be a hallway away if you need me.”

I nod.

The door opens, and closes.

I fall back onto the bed, and sob for awhile.  I reach for my phone next, clutch it in my hand, and debate if I should call him.  If it’s worth it to argue over the phone or in person.

I throw the phone down beside me.

No, I won’t be calling him tonight.

I close my eyes, and sob, trying to fall asleep the best I can.  

I’m half asleep when I hear the knocking at my door. I groan a little, thinking its my parents or my sister.  While I love them, I’m just not in the mood to deal with them right now.  All they’ve been doing lately is talking to me about how great it’s going to be back home with Braeden.  None of them have considered my feelings about Justin, not even my dad.  They just don’t care.

Nobody cares about my life.  They only care about Braeden’s, which I can understand but...but they don’t realize how isolated it makes me feel.

The knocking persists.

I force myself up and stagger to the door, yanking it open.

“Um...hey.”

r32;Braeden is clutching a paper Chick-Fil-A bag in one hand and scratching his brow with the other.  He’s in new clothes, jeans, Nikes, a plaid button down shirt with a white undershirt peeking out from underneath. I wasn’t expecting him.  He told me that the army was making him stay in their psych observation unit for the weekend, and I forced myself to deal with it.  “What...what are you doing here?”

“Time off for good behavior,” he chuckles lightly.  “Or basically, my mom demanded my release so they decided to listen to her and took me here.  That liaison guy is supposed to check in with me like every hour or something over the weekend.” He sighs and rolls his eyes.  “I ran into Charlene...she told me this was your room.  Were you asleep? I figured it was only eight thirty so you might not be.”

“No.” I shake my head and open the door wider for him.  “I couldn’t sleep.”

He steps inside my room slowly and gazes around for several minutes like he’s checking the place over for a bomb, his eyes darting around the room again like they did at the medal ceremony.  I close the door and don’t say anything about it.  He’s fucked up.  I know this and I’m dealing with it.  

“You okay with some company?” He asks me, finally.

“S-sure.”  I run my hand through my hair and move my luggage out of the middle of the room so he won’t trip over it.  I sit down on the bed, and moment later, he sits down beside me, leaving enough room in the middle of us to put the bag of food down.

“You went for a food run?” I chuckle, not quite meeting his gaze.

“I made them go through the drive thru,” he smirks.  “Your food is on the government tip tonight.  Hope your hungry.  Better eat it now before they try to tax us or something.”

I laugh just a little bit.  It’s sweet, that he thought of it.  While we were in high school, almost every Friday night was spent at the local Chick-Fil-A after the game, being loud and rowdy with the entire football team.  It forces me to open the bag and smell inside of it.  The very aroma of that food takes me back, I haven’t had it in years, and I begin to remember why it was that I didn’t want to stop there when we were with the boys.

“Eat something,” he speaks up again as I start to close up the bag.  “I know you probably haven’t.”

“I...”r32;

“Don’t lie to me, Babs,” he smirks.  

I let out a long breath.  He’s right, and I need to stop lying to him, because it’s not getting me anywhere.  I open up the bag again and pull out a chicken sandwich, slowly beginning to unwrap the foil.  He watches me with a small smile on his face, like it means the world to him, being able to do this with me.  “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“I already did,” he nods.  “I can’t eat this stuff yet.  Doctors orders.  He says my stomach isn’t ready.”

I just stare at him.  He tries to keep smiling for me, but when I don’t smile back, it quickly fades away.

“I...I didn’t eat the best while...while I was away,” he whispers.  “I have to eat light for now.  It’s fine.  I’ll be better in a month or so.”

“They starved you?” I whimper, and the sandwich falls out of my hand and onto the floor.

He huffs harshly as he retrieves it.  “Abbey...”

“They did,” I whimper.  “I can’t...I can’t eat this in front of you, Braeden.  What...what are you thinking about...”

“Hey...hey.”

I’m sobbing all over again.  I can’t take it.  I can’t take finding all this horrible stuff out day by day.  I know it’s just the tip of the iceberg, him not being fed, and I have no desire to know what else happened to him in that place.  

“I want you to calm down.”  He puts an arm around me and pulls me down to lean on his shoulder.

I let him, then I feel his lips on my forehead.  

“Sooner or later you’re gonna have to let go and not feel so guilty about things,” he whispers.  “You couldn’t have prevented what they did to me.  I was just on the way here, and we passed the Chick-Fil-A, so I got you something.  I thought you’d like it.  You always loved their food.”

I know I’m overreacting.  He doesn’t need it.  He made every effort to come here and spend some more time with me before I leave tomorrow, and I shouldn’t be acting like this.  “I’m sorry.”

“You better be.  You’re crying about chicken.”

I look up at him slowly, and can’t help the laughter that escapes me.  I laugh and laugh into him so hard, like a crazy person, and I find that he’s doing the same thing as we fall back onto the bed together.  

“When are you getting to town?” He asks me finally, as his laughter dies down.  “Your mom said you were flying back to New York for the weekend.”

“I...” I trail off, holding my stomach as my laughter fades away.  “I guess Monday...or Tuesday.  I’m not sure.”

“They’re supposed to be throwing me some party on Tuesday,” he sighs.  “I won’t let them have it unless you’re there.”

I stare into his eyes.  They’re empty again, dull like before.  Yet, he’s still smiling.  Smiling for me and only me.  “I’ll be there,” I promise him.

It's silent for the longest time, before he speaks again.

“What are...what are you doing about...that...guy?”

I close my eyes and let out a long breath, knowing why it was so hard for him to get the words out.  “I don’t know yet.”

I feel his arms around me again.  “Okay.”

My eyes open.  We’re face to face now. He’s staring at me, deep down into me, penetrating my soul, breaking down the barriers that have built up inside of me, regarding my feelings and memories of us.  

“By the way,” he tells me softly.  “I love you too.”

“Braeden...”

He sliences me with a kiss.  it's soft, and long, and soon I feel his hands running themselves all over me, through my hair, over my breasts and down to the waistline of my pants and underneath my top so he can caress my bare skin underneath.  It’s an incredible touch.  Something I never thought I would feel again.  A million tingling sensations rush all over me, through me, telling me I’m ready to have sex with him right now.

But I know we can’t do this.

Not tonight.

“Wait,” I whisper, pulling back from him as his hands reach up over my bra.  “Braeden...wait...”

“How can you ask me to wait?” He whispers into my neck, before he kisses it.  “I’ve already waited seven years.”

I force myself to pull away, even though I’m dying inside, dying for his touch.  The taste of his lips has left me pulsing inside, left my body longing for him.  It’s like...it knows Braeden is back, like it’s been waiting for him to return to me.  “It’s not fair.  I can’t.”

“Not fair to who?” He whispers gently, as he lays there, staring back at me.  “Not fair to him?”

I look away from him. “I can’t do that to him, Bray.  I know it’s hard, and I’m sorry.  But...but I just can’t do it.”

He squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to get what I said through his head without freaking out.  “Okay.”  He pulls himself upright again, and takes a deep breath.  “All right.”  He leans in and kisses me on the mouth one last time.  “I’ll see you back home.”

I nod a little.  “I’ll see you there.”

He rises up from the bed and walks slowly over the door, pausing for a long moment as he puts his hand on the knob.  Then he looks back at me.  “If...if you don’t come back,” he whispers.  “I...I get it.  I get why you’d do that.”

“Bray...I didn’t say I wasn’t coming back.”

“He must be special,” he nods.  “You wouldn’t have stopped me tonight otherwise.”

I can’t look at him.  “Yeah. He is.”

“Charlene says he has kids.”

I had no idea they'd even had a chance to talk.  I'm surprised he cared enough to ask her, and more surprised that she went into it with him.  “Brothers,” I croak.  “They’re a lot younger than him.”

“So you’ve been busy I guess.  They got your mind off of me.”

“I never forgot you.”

“He’s rich too, I hear,” he laughs, ignoring me.  “Some wall street big shot, right? It’s fucking crazy how you held up your end of our little bargain, even without a body to prove that I wasn’t coming home.”

He’s bitter.  It’s obvious now.  He’s so bitter and feels like I’m cheating him out of our relationship, when that was never my intention.  “What did you expect me to do?”

“I don’t know...maybe you could have fucking waited for me?”

I rise up slowly, arms crossed sternly over my chest.  He starts to back down.  He knows he’s wrong, but he’s so confused that he can’t suppress his anger right now.  He doesn’t know who to blame for this, and I know he doesn’t want to blame me, but he’s so disappointed that this is the way things are going, he can’t help himself.  “So you would have been happier if I waited around, even if you never came home?”

He rubs his face with his hands.  “I don’t fucking know,” he mutters.  “I just...I fucking need you, Babs.”

“And I need this weekend to figure my life out,” I tell him.

“You know...fine,” he sighs.  “That’s fine. I guess I’ll just wait around and hope that you remember what’s more important to you, me, or some rich asshole who’s never really given a fuck about you in the first place.”

“Braeden, please don’t do this!” I call out, as he swings the door open.

“You need to decide what you want, Abbey.” He replies coldly over his shoulder.  “The girl I remember, always knew what she wanted, and it’s not exactly fair to ask me to wait around.  I’ve waited seven years.  Be fair to us...be fair to yourself.”

He’s out the door within seconds, and I know better than to go after him.  I let what he said sink in deeply, and I realize even though he’s messed up, he’s made valid points.

I sit down on the bed and cry into my hands, and the little voice inside of me decides to come out and play.

Who do you love Abbey? Who do you really, truly love?

“I don’t know,” I whimper.  “I just don’t know.”