March

Austin’s birthday was last week.  I had circled it on the little magnetic calendar that the VA gave us during ‘gift bag day.’  I sat at the tiny kitchen table with my coffee, thinking about him, about Davey, about what they were doing.  I hoped they were having a good time, that Austin got everything he wanted, and then some.

Most of all though, I hoped Justin was okay.  That he hadn’t slipped back into a tyrant, and that he was still there for the boys.  I hoped he realized what he had, what responsibilities he had to take on because I wasn’t around anymore.  I prayed that he hadn’t simply hired some woman off the street to be their new nanny.  The boys were too good for that.  They needed somebody around who knew them...who loved them.

But they weren’t my life anymore.  I had to realize that, and I was...more and more everyday.  It was a slow process, letting them go...

Letting Justin go.  Letting my love for him fade away.  

“This is the dozenth time I’ve been down here since January.  When am I going to get what I need?”

“It does take some time, as we’ve discussed.  The application has been put through, we’re just waiting on it to come back.  Things will begin to come together once that happens.”

I look down at my lap and close my eyes, hating that we’ve hit another brick wall.

“That’s not good enough.  This is bullshit.  I can’t wait around anymore.”

Braeden is on the brink of flipping out on her, and I can’t blame him.  We’ve been up since six, to make sure we could be at the door to the social security office by seven, and even then, we still had to wait forty five minutes to speak with somebody.

Apparently, when you’re labeled “legally dead,” you also lose your status in the world.  

Upon his return to Colorado, Braeden was informed that he no longer had a social security number, that his birth certificate was invalid, and that he would have to retake his driving exam if he wanted his license reinstated.  He couldn’t obtain a drivers license without a valid birth certificate, he couldn’t obtain a valid birth certificate without a social security number, and it was all because his mother insisted on declaring him dead.  He learned all this the hard way, when he went to the bank.  It was the day before I got into town, and he went on his own, only to be told he wasn’t allowed to access his funds.  The funds I’d protected for so many years. He was so angry at Barbara for forcing his death certificate through.  I didn’t witness it, but from what Hannah told me, their fight was really bad.  He felt betrayed by her, and she felt that she’d done what was best for their family at the time.  They didn’t speak to each other for days, and they’re barely on good terms again now.

Needless to say, it’s made my life a hell of a lot easier.

She avoids me, and Braeden avoids her.

This whole thing would be easier if he could hire a great lawyer to get the paperwork moving and sorted properly, but there’s no money for that.  It’s strange.  I was wrapped up in Justin’s world for so long that I forgot what it was like to worry about money.  Being back home reminded me just how important it was, and how hard you have to work to have a comfortable life.

Not everyone can be a billionaire.

Barbara’s cancer had taken its toll on the Sampson’s finances more so than I thought. Since I left for New York shortly after Braeden went missing, I never found out how hard things became for them.  Sammy had to take a second job, third shift at a local retail store, and with Barbara’s part time work in a florist shop, they were just managing to scrape by.  She couldn’t work full time.  Her cancer had gone into remission, but her body was never the same.  She was weak, and tired a lot.  Fifteen hours a week was all she could pull without getting sick, sometimes less.  Braeden told me that they’d sold his car while he was gone, to help with the bills.  A 1998 Mustang that he worked countless hours of overtime to pay for.  It had been navy blue, with chrome rims.  They sold it for eight grand.

He’d payed fifteen.

It was so upsetting because I knew he treasured that car.  We used to go for long drives in it whenever he was home from a long tour, talk about what our lives would be like in ten years.  Where we would be, what our kids would be like, and what we would be doing.

We never counted on all of this.  I wish we had.  I wish we’d prepared ourselves for the worst thing that could possibly happen.  But we were too naive.  Braeden thought he was invincible and so did I.  

I guess we’re paying for it now.

“Do you have council?” The woman asks him after a moment.  “Most of the time, they can petition the courts to move things along much faster for you.”

He rubs his forehead with his hand and laughs a little bit.  “I have no money for a lawyer, and I won’t be able to get the money, because I can’t work without a social security card.”

She sucks in a long breath, and stares down at Braeden’s case file once more.  His military liaison sent it along with him when he was granted permission to go back home, knowing he would need it to sort out his mess of a life.  It made me hate the military more.  It was like...once they declared him competent enough to live his life on his own, that was it.  They sent him home, said they would contact him about his discharge in a few weeks.  Then he was on his own, completely.

It was like they didn’t give a shit that his life was destroyed.  

It simply wasn’t their problem anymore.

“It’s a different case,” the woman says.  “Very rare.  If I talk to my boss, I might be able to do something for you in a month, but I can’t promise.”

“That’s the best you can do?”

It takes her a moment.  “I’m sorry.”

Braeden snatches his file off of her desk.  “This is a big waste of my damn time!  What the fuck do I have to do? Do you want see my back? You wanna see what the bastards did to me? Will that get your boss to do his damn job?”

She stares back at him, her eyes filled with fear, because he’s literally screaming at her.

“Bray.”  I stand up and put a hand on his arm.  “Calm down.  There’s nothing she can do.”

He yanks away from me and sends the woman another angry glare.  “I’m sick of you people and your god damn procedures!”

He bangs out of her office, leaving me standing there, looking foolish.

It wasn’t’ always like this.  He was never as explosive as he’s been lately.  When I first came home things were...calmer.  He was still adjusting then, still getting used to being home, being free.  It was easier then.

Now it’s just getting harder, all the time.

There’s the money in the bank of course, untouched, and because my name is on the account, we can access it whenever we want to.  Braeden did go see a lawyer about getting this whole thing sorted out too, but the guy wanted almost ten thousand dollars to do it.  He didn’t want to throw almost half the money he’d saved away like that though, and I couldn’t blame him.  It wouldn’t be right because he’d worked so hard for it, and it was all the money he had in the world.  So he decided to take matters into his own hands.

But it’s like...none of these agencies want to work for him.  They’re just taking their time with Braeden’s life, while in the mean time he has to sit around, unemployed, depending on me to drive him everywhere.  I think that’s half his issue.  He has too much time to dwell on shit, to remember the past.  The people down at the VA have been trying to get him into a hobby, paint by numbers or some other bullshit, like he’s some kind of mindless invalid.  Of course he thinks it’s a damn joke, and doesn’t hesitate to tell them all how lame he thinks they are.  They had a priest come talk to him once.  That was the day he walked five and a half miles to my job, just to get away from that place.

I try not to take him there so much anymore, but lately I feel like I have no choice.

I can’t leave him alone in the apartment.  He doesn’t do well by himself.

I’m not around for him in the mornings like I was in the beginning.  I’ve taken a job at Valley Bank and Trust, as a teller.  It pays decent, fifteen dollars an hour, because I have a college degree, but as it’s our only source of income, we’re barely scraping by with the rent and utilities.  I can’t go to my parents for money.  I’ve taken enough of it from them as it is, and right now, they’re trying to save as much as they can for Hannah’s college tuition and a new roof for the house.  I know if I asked them for another loan, they would probably do it, but it would put a huge dent in their savings.  I can’t do that to them.  They don’t deserve it.

Braeden and I found the apartment a few weeks ago.  He had to get out of that house.  Not that he doesn’t love his family but...he wasn’t doing well. His parents and Mark couldn’t understand his pain or how to deal with it, and it wasn’t healthy for anyone.

We’re not together or anything.  I’m nowhere near ready, and he knows that.  He just needed someplace else to go, and since...since I have no place else to go, and living with Braeden at my parents house was out of the question, we agreed that the only option was to move in together.  It’s a little weird, very awkward at times, but I’m making the best of it.

He’s my best friend.

We’re here for each other.

That’s all that really matters anyway.

He has night terrors.  That’s what the psychotherapist at the VA calls it.  He’ll wake up in the middle of the night, screaming, crying out in pain, like he’s back there.  There’s only one bedroom in our apartment, and it’s weird, but we do share the same bed, somehow managing to keep our hormones in check.  Sometimes I have to hold him for hours, talking to him gently and stroking his hair before he finally calms down enough to get back to sleep.  A few days ago, he told me he’s terrified of falling asleep.  He wants to stay up all night, and if I wasn’t adamant that he come to bed at night, he probably would.  He curls up against me lately, trying to protect himself from his dreams.  

It’s a terrible way to be living.

But it’s the only way I can.  

I won’t leave Braeden to suffer.
Of course, I have the option to move back in with my parents.  They see us every weekend.  The whole family gets together and has dinner, and my mom and dad can see the strain and fatigue written all over my face.  They tell me to come back home.  That I’m not ready to take on all this responsibility.  Then I ask them what Braeden is supposed to do.  They say ‘he can go back to Barbara and Sammy’s until he gets back on his feet.’  But it’s impossible.  He won’t go back now.  His terrors are too intense now.  It wouldn’t work.  I tell my parents that too.

“They have a place for him at the VA,” my mom told me last Sunday as we washed the dishes together.  “Barbara looked into it.  What happened to him was bad enough to give him a room there, no questions asked.”

“What, is he some kind of a transient?” I snapped at her.  “Are you listening to yourself, mom? This is Braeden we’re talking about.”

“I’m worried about you.”  She touched her hand gently to my cheek.  “You look awful.”

I turned away from her.  “It’s just hard...money wise, and...they’re not getting Bray’s paperwork through.  We don’t know when they will, and the lawyers want too much money to do it for him.”

“How is that affecting your love life?”

I snorted.  “We’re not together, I tell you that all the time.”

“I guess I don’t understand why you’re not.” She shrugged as she picked another dish up and began to dry it.  “You live together, and Hannah told me there’s only one bedroom.  Unless one of you is sleeping on the floor...”

“It’s complicated,” I cut her off.

“Maybe.” She whispered.  “Or maybe someone else is still on your mind.”

She knew.  She could tell.  It was obvious.  I loved Justin.  It was eating away at me more and more every single day.  The pain was in my gut, pulsing inside of me, pleading with me to go back to him.  But how? I couldn’t. I hadn’t called him but I knew better.  It was over in his eyes, and I was forced to push all those feelings I had for him out of my system.  Nobody knew how hard that was.  How sick it made me feel.  I was suffering and I was alone in that suffering.  It was horrible, on top of everything else that was going on.  “I’m working on it.”

“I hope so, Abbey.”

She still didn’t think highly of Justin, and he wasn’t even around.  It disgusted me.

I had to walk away from her.
We haven’t talked about it since.

There’s a wedding next weekend.  My cousin Candice.  We were never close, but Braeden and I have been invited out of sheer sympathy.  It will be a nice break from all of this fucking bullshit, though.  I know Braeden is looking forward to it because all of his friends are coming, and Charlene is even flying out for it.  It will be nice to see her.  We talk on the phone every chance we get, but since she’s been promoted at work, she never gets that much free time anymore.  

I walk out of the office now, leaving the woman behind at her desk.  She doesn’t say anything else to me as I close the door.  I walk out to the my car, an old toyota that I’ve been driving around here since I first got my license.  It’s on it’s last legs, and I pray that it holds out just a little while longer, just until Braeden can get work.  Then I’ll finance something.  I put my key into the rusted lock and open the door.  “Are you okay?” I ask him.  He’s leaning against the car with his hands shoved in his pockets, staring out into space.

“Fine.”

We both get in, and silently drive away from the building.  I glance at my watch, and sware under my breath.  I’m late for work...again.  I wouldn’t have been, except Braeden never told me when his appointment was, until the last minute.  The last minute being this morning.  I could have killed him.  My boss isn’t the nicest, hates tardiness, and what’s worse is she knows me well.  She knows Braeden too.  We went to school with her kids.  So everytime I’m late, she knows it’s because of him.  Not because I was sick or stuck in traffic.  “I’m late,” I groan.

He’s silent for awhile as we drive back towards the apartment complex.

“Sorry,” he mutters.  “If I don’t go to these things, they’ll toss my case out.”

“You could have reminded me a few days ago though,” I point out, gently.  “I can’t mess around with this job, Bray.  If I lose it, we’re going to be in serious trouble.”

“I will maybe,” he laughs.  “You can go live back home.”

I glance over at him.  “I’m not going to leave.”

He shrugs.  “You should.”

I hate when he does this.  I hate it.  He’s back, he’s here, alive, and we’re making the best of the situation.  But if I start going off into a lecture about that, I know it will only make him more moody than he is now.  While he never raises his voice, or acts violent  towards me, I know he’ll do it with the first person he comes in contact with.  “I’ll drop you at the VA.”

“The babysitter, you mean.”  He smiles back at me before running a hand over his shaved head.  “Maybe today we’ll learn how to tie dye.”

I don’t answer him.  I’m silent the rest of the way there.

I get to work forty minutes later.  Kathy, the lead finance person sees me from her desk, and gives me a grim look.  “Tanya is on the warpath.”

I sigh heavily and straighten my blouse and skirt.  “Temporary setback this morning.”

She nods.  She knows how it is with me, what’s going on at home.  Brighton is a small town.  Everybody knows everybody else.  That first week he was back, all of these people were at his welcome home party, greeting him and hugging him like he was a hero.

Now they could care less what’s going on.

I take my usual spot behind the counter, and begin to service the other customers in line.  It takes about an hour, before I’m called into Tanya’s office, and I’m literally trembling when I knock on her door.  

“Come in, Abbey.”

I do.  She’s sitting at her desk, looking at her computer screen.

It reminds me of Justin immediately, and I have to stop, close my eyes and suck in a breath, before I can regain my composure.  “Hi Tanya.”

“Have a seat.”

I do, and swallow hard, knowing what has to be next.

“Abbey you’re a great teller,” she starts out.  “One of our best.”

I nod.  “Thank you.”

“That said...” she sighs.  “Your attendance is very poor.”

“Tanya, I...”

“You’ve been late almost every day the last two months,” she speaks over me.  “I...I know there are things going on at home.  But I have a business to run.”

“Please don’t do this.” My lips tremble and I have to suck in a breath so I don’t start sobbing.  “I...I need this job.”

She looks away from me.  “I’m sorry.  I have to let you go.”

I close my eyes.

Fuck.

I get my things and walk out of there, not saying goodbye to any of my co workers. I can feel them staring at me.  Surely, they know what’s happened.  I’m sure they’re asking themselves how my life could have gotten this bad.  

I wish I knew.

I drive to the VA and pick Braeden up.  He’s more grateful than ever, mutters to me all the way home about the stupid idiots that are there and how they bug the shit out of him all day long.  I barely hear him.  Everything is foggy, and confusing.  I have no idea what I’m supposed to tell him, all I know is that when the rent comes due in about two weeks, we won’t be able to pay it.

“Babs.” He says, as I pull into our reserved spot and turn the car off.

I look over at him.  “Yeah?”

“You look like hell.”

I blink and feel the tears there now, they travel down my face, and I don’t stop them.  “I lost my job.”

He stares at me for awhile, seemingly at a loss for words.  He looks down at his lap and tugs at the bottom of his sweatshirt.  “This is my fault.”

“No.” I shake my head.  “It’s nobodies fault.  I can’t be at two places at once, and you’re getting screwed over for no reason.”

He leans back in his seat.  “What are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll use the money in the bank,” he decides in an instant.

“No.  That’s not what that money is for.”

“What difference does it make, Babs?  I’m trying to take care of you for once.  You don’t deserve this.  You dont’ deserve to live like this, okay? I...I’m supposed to be the one that takes care of things.”

He’s crying now.

But so am I.

“I’ll go live at the VA,” he says, after awhile.  “You can go home to your folks.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I whimper.  “This is so fucked up!  I just got you back and it’s like...we can’t even enjoy the time we have!”

I’m hysterical now, crying into my hands, sounding just as bad as Braeden does when he has one of his night terrors.  I feel so foolish.  I’m supposed to be the strong one, help him, get him through this.

But too much has happened.  I’m slowly losing my mind.

“Babs...shhh.”  

I feel his arms around me.  He never does it.  We try to maintain that distance between us, with the exception of the comfort I give him when he wakes up in the middle of the night.  But right now I need this.  I need comfort, and who better to get it from, than from Braeden.  I feel warmth flowing through my body as he pulls me close and kisses the tears off of my face.  It’s the first time his lips have touched my skin since DC, and it feels so wonderful.

I feel at peace with myself, for once.

“C’mon.”  He gently pushes himself away from me as he takes his seatbelt off and gets out of the car.  He winces.  He still has pain in his back from his scars that wont’ go away for some time.  Then he’s opening my door for me, and holds his hand out.  “C’mon inside.”

I take off my seatbelt and pull the keys out of the ignition, not saying a word as he guides me out of the car and pushes the door closed for me.  He holds my hand as we walk back into our dingy apartment, and takes me right into the bedroom, shutting the door, sealing us away from the world.

“Don’t cry.”  He forces a smile, as he leads me over to the bed and has me lay down.

I curl into the ball, and can’t seem to take his advice.  Soon, I feel his arms around me again, and then his lips are there, on my neck, on my face, telling me that it’s okay.  That he’s still here, even if he’s weak, and messed up...helpless.
          
“I love you, so much, Babs.”  He tells me finally.  “I’d...I’d do anything to make you happy.”

“There’s nothing left to do,” I sob.  “Everything is just...so fucked up.”

“I can do something.”
I don’t answer him.

“Let me talk to my recruiter,” he says after a moment.  “There must be something I can do for the military still.”

I shoot upright, shoving him off me.  “You’re not going back!” I yell.

“It might be the only thing I can do,” he says sadly.  “They haven’t discharged me yet.”

“No!  No! You can’t...you can’t...”

“God, Ab.”

He pulls me to his chest and I cry harshly into it, only being able to think that he’ll reenlist, again and disappear for good this time.

“Do you love me?” he whispers after a while, when my crying has died down, and all I’m doing is leaning against him as he cradles me in his arms.

I don’t hesitate.  I’m lost in that world.  That one I was in all those years ago when we were together, really in love, and happy.  “I love you,” I say.

He pulls back from me, and looks me dead in the eye.  “Would you go anywhere I got a job?”  He smoothes my hair out of my eyes and smiles genuinely at me for the first time in months.  

“Of course I would.”

He kisses me lightly on the forehead.  “Then lets get married.  Then it won’t matter where they send me, because you’ll be there with me.”

It’s unreal, uncanny.  Is he serious? Marriage?  “What about your paperwork?”

“My recruiter told me that if I were to reenlist, they’d take care of those expenses for me.  I knew you’d be pissed, so I didn’t want to tell you I talked to him.”

I look up at him.  I hate the military.  I hate what it’s done to us, but right now, the only thing that seems to make sense is his course of action.  He could make money, and we could still be together.  I would be there to take care of him, and he wouldn’t have to be so scared all the time.

But is our love that real right now? Do I still love him like I used to? Can I spend the rest of my life with him?

“Abbey.”

I look up at him.

“Abbey,” he trails off, and smiles again.  “Abbey, will you marry me?”

He means it.  He means it now as much as he did right before he left, and disappeared.   He loves me more than anything this in entire world, and now that I’ve lost so much, I know he’s all I have left.  The one person who will be there, no matter what happens.  I know I love him, so much.  

“Yes,” I smile through my tears.