The fact that Trace and I are on speaking terms again is more recent than anything, but it doesn’t feel that way.  We’ve slipped back into our friendship over the past few months, both of us leaving the past, in the past.  It’s better that way for us, and for the kids in our lives too, but it hasn’t been easy getting to this point, and it hasn’t been easy starting my life over either.

I was a complete mess for weeks after Abbey left me.

When she walked out that door, I tried to keep my head.  I really did.  My body was numb but my mind wasn’t.  I thought if I continued to watch the TV, all the pain inside of me would magically melt away.

I was a fool to think that way.

Austin didn’t come inside for hours, and when the sun began to set, I realized that I needed to suck it up and go out to get him.  For some strange reason I wasn’t worried that he’d run away, or snuck out of the state with Abbey.  I knew him, knew he was too frightened to do anything like that, and when I found him around the corner, sitting against the building, my theory was proven right.

He was sitting there on the sidewalk, little suitcase at his side, hands shoved in his jacket, ball cap pulled low over his eyes.  I sat down next to him, very unlike me, but at that moment, I was lost myself.  I guess I knew how the kid felt, and I was determined to make him feel better...to get him over Abbey.

Because if I could get him over Abbey, I knew I could get myself over her too.

That was important.  It was important to get myself over that hump.

I knew I couldn’t stay in love with a woman that was never coming back.

“Hey, Aus.”  I spoke up after quite awhile of listening to him sniffle and cry beside me.  “It’s getting dark.”

“Go away.”

“What, are you going to stay out here all night? Sleep on the street?”

“If I have to,” he muttered.  “I hate you.”

I laughed slightly and leaned my head back against the brick, looking up at the sky, praying that I would have the strength to hold back all the sadness inside of me for my brother’s sake.  “I figured you might.”

“You...you didn’t even tell me she was going! Why did you let her leave?”

I blinked slowly, the only vision in my mind being the one of her staring at me once more before she walked out the door.  She tried to talk to me.  I refused to listen.  At the time, I didn’t care.

But I’ve found myself lying awake at night ever since then, wondering what would have happened if I let her talk to me that day.

If she really would have stayed with me, not gone back to him.  

It’s a risk I wasn’t willing to take though.  I made my choice, and that choice was final.  

“I didn’t let her leave,” I told Austin next.  “Things with us didn’t work out, and it wouldn’t have been...healthy for you guys if she stuck around.”

“You didn’t try hard enough!”  He ripped the ball cap off his head and looked up into my eyes.  He was furious with me.  “You wouldn’t even talk to her!”

I just shrugged.  I was so numb then, shielding myself from a potential breakdown.  “In life you’re going to find that a lot of people will leave you.  Some of those people, Aus, you’re going to love, and when...when they fall out of love with you, it’s going to hurt.  Consider this a learning experience.”r32;

“I’m fucking mad.  I’m fucking mad at you...and...and at Abbey too!”

I laughed.  It was hilarious to me that he would swear like that, while anyone else would have gotten real uptight and slapped him silly.  It didn’t matter to me so much.  He didn’t do it all the time, only when he was really angry, and that day...that day I think I would have let him swear like a sailor if it meant he would be able to get all of his aggressions out.

He cried harder after that, begging me to make her come back, and I found myself pulling him close to me, wrapping my arms around him and rubbing his back a little bit.  He didn’t pull back.  He needed me then, so badly, even if he tried to pretend that he didn’t.

And I needed him that much more, only I would never tell him.  I needed to be strong for him, even though my heart was broken, and I was an emotional mess inside.  It hit me that I had to take Abbey’s place and be his confidant from that point on, the one he went to for advice and companionship.  I couldn’t fail him, or Davey either.  I couldn’t turn back into an idiotic asshole, because it would mess them up, and they’d come so far since our parents passed that it just wouldn’t have been fair.  

So I held my head high and put a happy face on for my brothers from that point on.  In private though...I was a totally different person.  I barely slept.  I only went out of the house to go to work, or bring the boys somewhere they needed to go.  Mostly, I was in my bedroom when I was at home, buried under my comforter, silently crying to myself.

I was so alone, so foolishly alone, and it was all because of my fucking ego, and the fear that I wasn’t good enough for her...that she’d just leave me anyway.

I should have talked to her.  I should have told her how I really felt instead of pushing her away.  I shouldn’t have let her go back to him.

Three weeks later, I still hadn’t snapped out of my funk.  It was a Saturday morning and I could hear my brothers running amuck downstairs, but I just didn’t care.  I was pushing them off on Lucinda more and more, and I knew she wasn’t taking it too well.  I never asked her take care of them as much as she was, and I figured she was going to quit.  I didn’t care about that either.  I just wanted to be left alone, wanted to wallow in my misery whenever I was given the chance to.

There was a knock at my bedroom door, and I figured it must have been Austin.  Most weekends he would try to get me out of bed to go to the park or watch TV with him.  I always locked the door, just in case I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown.  “Not now,” I called out from under the covers.  “Go watch cartoons with Davey.”

“Come on, man.”

The knocking continued.

I realized immediately that it wasn’t Austin or Davey.  I knew the voice though...very well, but Trace was the last person I ever expected to come back into my house.  I threw the covers off of myself, and slowly made my way over to the door, opening it just enough so I could see him standing there.  “How...how the hell did you get in?”

He smirked.  “You look like you just crawled out from under a rock.”

“Fuck you.”

He pushed his way into my bedroom.  

“Hey! What...what are you doing?”

“I’ve been hearing stories,” he said, as he leaned against my dresser and stared back at me.  “So I had to come see if the rumors were true or not.”

I crossed my arms stubbornly across my chest.  I hated that he knew, because he’d been against my relationship with Abbey from the start.  I figured he was going to throw all of it back in my face, tell me that he told me so and didn’t I feel like a stupid fucking asshole now that she was gone?  “Who let you in?”

He pulled a key out of his pocket and waved it at me, mockingly.  “Really, J? I thought you would have changed the locks by now.”

I let out a pathetic groan.

“So she left you, huh?”

I sat down on the bed, completely silent for several minutes, before I finally decided there was no point in hiding the truth from him.  “Yeah...I mean...I guess I helped her make the decision. But she wanted to go.”

“I caught her on the news,” he explained.  “Slut didn’t hold back did she?  I mean, kissing that guy for the world to see and then booking on you?  I saw that one coming.”

“Don’t talk about her that way,” I whispered at him harshly.  “Is this why you came here?  I don’t need it right now.”

“No.”  He sucked in a long breath and cleared his throat.  “I came to see if you’re doing okay.”

I laughed at him.  It didn’t make sense.  We’d been so angry at each other for so long, that he shouldn’t have cared if Abbey left or what state of mind I was in because of it.  But, there he was, standing in front of me like I was still his best friend in the world.  “I’ll get through it.”

“Dennis said you’ve been walking around the office like you’re half dead.”

I tended to forget that they still talked, still went out for drinks, and talked about business in general.  I would have been mad at Dennis for spilling my personal shit to Trace, but too much had happened and I was too sick and tired to hold a grudge against my new business partner.  “I’m just...I’m just going through something.  I’m almost over it.”

“You’re such a fuckin’ liar, man.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.  “What?”

“You’re a mess.  You look like I did after Syd died.  I’m not stupid, I know you were in love with her.  I came here to try and...talk I guess.  You need a friend, and there’s nobody else out there that knows your stupid ass better than I do.”

I couldn’t believe he cared, didn’t know why he cared, but something about the light in his eyes and the playful expression on his face told me that things were going well for him.  That his life had began to turn around.  “What about ‘screw you, Justin’?”

He shrugged.  “I was fucked up for a while and too stubborn to remember what’s really important.”

I just nodded, because it was the truth.

“I...I got a call from Trump a few weeks back,” he continued.  “He wanted to help me clear my name and get me back into the industry.  Crazy right? I’m working for him now.  We’re going ahead with the hotel project.  I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had that much time to be a miserable fuck, and then well...I was at home one night and saw Abbey on the news.  I...I thought about coming to see you then but I figured you probably needed some time.  But now I’m hearing how this is affecting you at work.  I don’t want to see you go down hill.  You’ve...you’ve worked hard and deserve better, you know? The boys do too.”

It was crazy.  Trace was being sentimental.  As long as I’d known him, the guy had never been sentimental.  Sure, he could be nice at times, helped me out a ton when I was first starting out, but he never let the fact that he had a big heart show until that moment.  “I don’t know what happened.  She was just...there one day, and then she was gone.  She wanted to talk before she left but I...I wouldn’t let her.”

It took him a few moments, but he finally made his way across the room so he could sit down beside me on the bed.  “I’m gonna get you through this, Justin,” he promised me quietly.  “It’s the least I can do after everything that’s happened.”

Trace was true to his word.  He started coming to my house every morning with Kristy so he could help me get the boys ready.  We would have breakfast together at the house, before piling into my Escalade to drop them all off at school.  Then, I would go to work and he would go to meet with Trump and the other people involved with their hotel project.  My employees started to notice the change in me after a couple of weeks.  Cheryl even asked me if something had changed, and all I told her was that I had gotten myself some help.  It felt good though, getting a grip on my life.  I realized I could live without Abbey, without her love and guidance.  It was hard, of course.  It would always be.  Late at night I still longed for her, but that was the extent of it.  I forced myself to focus on the boys, business, and my friendship with Trace.  There wasn’t room for anything...or anyone, else.

By the time Austin’s birthday rolled around, I realized I never cancelled the Disney trip that I’d booked weeks before.  I was only reminded of it when I received a call early one morning at the office.  The lady’s name was Carmen and she told me she would be my private VIP guide while we were there.  

“I see a note that you’d like to spend some extra time with your girlfriend,” she giggled before I could cut her off and tell her I wanted to cancel.  “Would you like me to reserve the Grand One Yacht for a romantic dinner?”

I dropped the pen, took my eyes off the stocks flashing across the computer screen, and rubbed my face with my hand.  “I...um...”  For a moment I contemplated canceling the entire trip right then and there.  It hurt, thinking about the things Abbey and I would have done, the great time we would have had with the boys.  Everything I ever loved about her came rushing back to me in that moment.  I swallowed hard, determined to keep my emotions in check over the phone.  “It’s not necessary,” I whispered.

“Oh...well...maybe some hang gliding?  Or a spa day? We have a wonderful...”r32;

“It’s actually just going to be me and the boys,” I blurted out.  “I meant to take...to take Abbey’s name...” I trailed off and sighed a little.  “I meant to take her name off the reservation.  I’ve just been a little busy, is all.”

“Absolutely,” Carmen said brightly.  “I’ll take care of that for you.”

She said it like it happened to her guests all the time.  

I figured it would be a nice trip for us, as a family.  Even though the boys were still heartbroken about Abbey being gone, I knew they would want to go to Disney World. Since I hadn’t told either of the boys about the trip, I felt a little spark light up inside of me at the thought of how excited they would be to go, and I decided not to cancel after all.

“Disney World? You?” Trace laughed at me a few nights later at dinner.  He'd offered up his own nanny for the evening so we could have a night to ourselves.  It was the first time I’d done anything outside of the house, without the boys, in almost two months.

I felt human again.

I just smirked and kept my eyes focused on the menu.  “Yeah, I was going to ask if you could come too.  Kristy would like it.”

“Oh hell no,” he snorted.  “Mickey mouse and a thousand screaming kids? I’ll pass.”

“It wouldn’t be that bad.”  I lifted my gaze from the menu and looked him in the eyes.  It was silly, but I wanted him to come.  I thought we would have a nice time, and that it would make Austin feel better to spend some time with Kristy.  It was crazy how close they’d become.  Since Trace and I started speaking again, I almost never saw one of them without the other.  She was always at my house after school, playing with the boys, or they were both over at Trace’s with her.  “C’mon,” I pushed.

“You’re serious?” He laughed.  “You want me there?”

I shrugged.  “Yeah, I guess.”

“You’re so lame,” he scoffed, but was silent after that.

The next week, we were all on a plane Orlando.  Trace muttered to himself the whole way there about how he wasn’t posing for pictures with any characters, and asking me if there were babysitters so he could spend his days in the hot tub or on the phone with his project managers.  I assured him that Carmen would take care of whatever we wanted, and it seemed to ease his mind a lot.

I never thought he’d be the one that would end up dragging me over to meet Mickey Mouse, or racing the kids to see who could get to Space Mountain first.  It was the craziest thing, to see him giddy happy like he was five years old, and it hit me that he probably hadn’t ever gone to place like that his entire life.  Kristy had a ball with him, and so did the boys.  I mostly hung back, watching it all unfold before my eyes.  The boys got me to do a lot of things with them of course, but my favorite part about spending that time with them, was seeing the smiles on their faces, and watching their eyes light up at the things they were experiencing.  I loved that I could give them a vacation like that, that I could give them everything and still raise them the right way so they wouldn’t turn into arrogant adults.

It was official.  I had turned into a big old sap.

I only wished Abbey could have been there, to see how much fun they were having.  It was definitely one of those trips she would have loved.  One of those trips that we would have looked back on fondly as a couple.  I hated thinking about it.  I hated that...at night, when I was finally alone in my room, all I thought about was her.

I gripped my Blackberry in my hand and stared at the number I pulled up, late one night towards the end of our vacation.  The kids had gone to bed hours earlier, and funnily enough, Trace had gone out on some kind of date with the girl that checked us in.  I told him he was a dog.  He just laughed and asked me if Kristy could crash with the boys, before telling me he would see me in the morning.  It meant I was alone and there was no chance of being interrupted by the kids.  I checked and rechecked, made sure they were out cold, before retreating into my bedroom that night.

It was stupid...but I was desperate to hear her voice.  It was slipping away from me, how she sounded, what her laughter was like.  I was forgetting about her, and I should have been happy about that, but I wasn’t.  Part of me still didn’t want to let go.

I blocked my number and pressed send, before holding the phone up to my ear.

It rang once.

Twice.

“Hello?”

It wasn’t her.  It was a man’s voice.

I hung up, threw the phone somewhere across the bed.  Abbey wasn’t worried about me.  She was with Braeden...she’d moved on with her life and forgotten about us.

I cried myself to sleep.

It’s nearly April now.  Since we came back from vacation, I’ve been busier than I’ve been in a long time.  Trace and Trump have been in talks with me.  They want to let me back into the deal, and I know that’s more Trace’s doing than anything else.  They keep telling me I’m going to bring so much to the table, and I guess...I know I can.  I have a lot of influence these days, even more than Trump does it seems.  The firm is doing better than any other in Manhattan.  Thanks to some hard work and a ton of international interfacing, we have more clientele now than Goldman has had in twenty years.  I’ve been getting recognized more and more, been getting invited on various Bloomberg talk shows to put in my two cents on the status of Wall Street.  Goldman’s publicist has booked me on more magazine interviews than ever before.  It’s tiring.  They all want me on the covers so I have to go to all these retarded photo shoots like I’m a celebrity or something.  Dennis laughs and tell me I should move to Hollywood and become an actor.  But I’m not about that...at all.  This last time around, I told them I wouldn’t do the cover unless the boys could be on it with me.

The salivated over that, said their magazine sales would triple.  Our publicist told me that it would really help investors opinions about the firm too, because I was showing that I had ‘family values’, that Goldman was being run by ‘a family man.’  It was something new and different for them I guess, because I’d done a ton of covers in the past and never would have considered including the boys back then, because I was too blinded by my ego.  But Abbey...Abbey had taught me how important they were, taught me how to cherish them, before I could think about myself.  It wasn’t even a question whether or not I should tell the world about them.  I loved them, and I always would.

The values she left me with, are probably the only thing that’s forced me to move on since the night I called her.  I’ve been forcing myself to push forward and just...forget about us.  I have to do it, or my life will spiral out of control.  Eventually, I want to be completely happy again.  I have to be, for the boys and for myself.  It’s not about finding somebody else.  I’m not ready for that at all.

I don’t believe in love anymore, or relationships.  Just sex.

Trace has been setting me up with all these bimbos for the past month or so.  I don’t know where he finds them, all I know is that they are always extremely gorgeous, and extremely willing to sleep with me.  We’ll go out to dinner, I won’t let any part of my true personality shine through, and then we’ll fuck later on at her place, since I refuse to bring her to mine.  I won’t bring that around the boys.  It’s unhealthy and god forbid they saw me with somebody else.  Davey would end up a mute again and Austin would probably figure out way to shoot me with that rifle.  I leave as soon as we finish.  Sometimes, I’ll wake up in my bed the next day, not remembering her name.

It’s better that way.

“Austin Timberlake.”

Austin rises from the chair and scans the audience, searching for me, while I move along the row and sit down in an empty seat.  I’m just in time and he knows it.  I would have been here sooner, if it wasn’t for that phone conference going longer than it was supposed to.  His eyes lock onto me after a moment, and I nod, before flashing a small, encouraging smile at him.

He smiles slightly.  I know he was pissed at me, but now he’s just glad that I’m here.

“Please spell, expediency.”

Shit.  He hates this one.  Gets his y’s and e’s messed up, no matter how many times we practice it.

“Expediency.”  He swallows hard.  “E-X-P-E...”

I’m distracted when my phone begins to vibrate in my pocket, and pull it out, even though I hate myself for it.  I told them no calls or texts, but of course, they don’t listen.  Especially him, but that’s to be expected.  He’s an entire continent away, overseeing the Geneva groundbreaking with Trump, and hasn’t seen his daughter in nearly ten days.  

Did Kristy win yet?

The smile pulls at the corner of my mouth.  I just got here.  They’re neck and neck with one other kid.

“D-I-E-N...”

She’s gonna win.  Then you’re gonna owe me dinner when I get back.

We’ll see.

Kristy kicks ass at this.  It’s in the bag, Timberlake.

“...C-I-E. Expediency.”

“I’m sorry, that’s incorrect.”

Damn it.

“Kristy Ayala.  Please spell, expediency.”

Austin plops down into his chair, and l sigh as I watch him lower his head and stare down at his lap.  It sucks.  We practiced for weeks for this spelling bee, and he was so close.  I know he wanted to win, but winning isn’t everything.  They started out with thirty kids from all over the city and he made the top three.

I couldn’t be prouder of my brother.

“Expediency.” Kristy smiles as she steps up to the microphone.  “E-X-P-E-D-I-E-N-C-Y.  Expediency.”

“Correct.”

I clap along with the rest of the audience.  The kid is good, seems to win whatever she enters and pulls off straight A’s.  Must be that three hundred dollar an hour tutor Trace has working for him.  Asshole.

Now I have to buy dinner.  I text him back.

Austin’s out.

Told you so.  I’ll let you know about the reservation.  See you in a couple of days.

I chuckle softly and shove the phone back in my pocket.  Yeah, he’s one of those sore winner types, annoying as fuck, sarcastic as the best of them.

But he’s my best friend, and if he hadn’t come back into my life, I have no idea where I would be right now.

Kristy ends up beating the other kid too.  She spells some crazy word that I wouldn’t get right on the first try, and afterward she clutches her first place trophy tightly to her chest as her nanny, Beth, chats with me for a few minutes while Austin talks to his teacher.  She’s nice, young, and seems to like her job.  I like that Trace has her around because she’s very reliable and always willing to stay with the boys if I need her to.  It’s a great help...especially since I’m sort of “dating” now.

My love life is a sad joke.

I congratulate Kristy again, before Beth tells me to call her if I need something, and leads her away.  I stand there after that, watching as Austin finishes up his conversation with Ms. Parks.  He’s holding his tiny third place trophy in one hand while he stares down at the floor.  I know he’s devastated, and I try to think of a way to get him to cheer up before he gets off the stage.

“He was very good, Justin.  The whole class is so proud of him for making it this far,” Ms. Parks beams as Austin walks down off the stage.  “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” I smile.  “He’s come real far.  I...I appreciate everything you’re doing.”

She nods a little, her gaze lingering on me for a moment or two as Austin comes to stand beside me.  There’s questions on her face.  She never got a clear explanation from me about what happened to Abbey.  She confronted me about it one Friday afternoon when I picked him up, telling me that Austin seemed distant, and so I told her things had changed a little at home because Abbey wasn’t around anymore.

“I noticed that Beth has been taking Austin after school.  Did something happen to Abbey?” She asked.

“No...she...she just had things to do.  She’s not around.”

Ms. Parks left it at that.  She knew she had to, because it wasn’t her business.

“See you Monday, Austin,” Ms. Parks chirps brightly, before she walks away.

“Bye,” Austin mutters.  

I put an arm around him once we’re alone, and start leading him out of the auditorium.  “You did awesome.”

“I lost.”

“Yeah, to Kristy.  That girl is too smart for her own good.  If she wasn’t in this, I bet you would have beat that other kid easy.”

I feel him shrug, so I stop him at the door and crouch down, putting my hands on his shoulders.  “I’m really proud of you, Austin,” I tell him, shaking him a little bit. “And look, you got a cool trophy and...” I reach down and pull the envelope out of his front blazer pocket, peeking inside to see the gift certificates he’s been given.  “Free pizza from Tanabochi’s, and some movie passes.  We’ll make a night of it, maybe next weekend?”

He barely nods before his eyes float up and meet my expression.  “I wish Abbey could have seen me.”

I sigh a little bit and bite my bottom lip.  He doesn’t talk about her with me as much anymore, but when he does, it’s usually at times like this when he’s just done something that’s really important to him.  “I know, buddy.”

“Maybe I can write her another letter.  Maybe the first one got lost in the mail.”

I rise up from the floor.  “I think it’s better if you just move on, Austin.”

He’s silent.

He’s angry.

I let him write her a letter about a month after she left, because he wouldn’t shut up about it.  I didn’t want him to, but...I didn’t want to deny him communication with her either.  I knew how close they were, and their relationship, while it had played a part in our romance at one time, wasn’t a part of my life anymore.  I wasn’t going to be a bitter asshole.  I figured if he wanted to keep in touch with her, who was I to stop him?  I still remembered the address that her parents lived at, and after he wrote the letter, I even mailed it for him, as painstaking as that process was for me.

But that letter never got a response.  He would ask me every day for weeks, if he had gotten any mail.  It killed me to tell him that he hadn’t.

It made me even angrier at Abbey for ignoring him.  

“I’m trying to look out for you,” I tell him, as we exit the school and make our way over to where Quincy is waiting for us in the car.  “If you write her another letter, and she doesn’t answer, what are you going to do?”

“I dunno,” he whispers.  “I just want to talk to her again.”

I ruffle his hair a little bit.  “I’m sorry, buddy.”

He just nods. I know it’s not the response he wants to hear, but I don’t have another answer for him.  We get into the car after that, and head home.  Davey is there with Francine, and after she fills me in about what they did after school, I bid her a quick goodbye.  Lucinda prepares dinner, and the three of us eat in unsettling silence.  Davey isn’t very talkative because he can tell Austin is in a foul mood, and Austin will barely look at either one of us.  I feel like he’s becoming depressed again, and I’ve been considering having him talk to Francine, but I’m just not sure yet.  He’s private and strong, my Austin, and I don’t know how comfortable he would be talking to somebody else about what’s on his mind.

I’m thankful to be at work Monday morning.  The weekend was uneventful.  The boys played with Kristy and I caught up on the pile of paperwork in my study.  It’s crazy how much my life has changed, how much more free time I have to catch up on things now.  When Abbey was around my weekends were filled with events and going and doing.  Now I’m just a boring finance man with two brothers to worry about.  

 “I’m telling you man.  Box seats.  You’re gonna miss out.  I have a great girl set up for you.”

I don’t look at him, only focus on my computer.  I need to get this stock thing sorted out fast.  It has the potential to make us a cool four or five million by the end of the day.

“Justin?”

“Hm?”

“Could you fucking look at me?”

I snap out of my stock market daze and glance at him, annoyed.  “What, Trace?”

He’s been back since yesterday, and has a couple of days off before he has to get back to work with Trump.  But instead of relaxing today, he’s here in my office, trying to making plans for us to get out and do something together later in the week.

But the thing is, I don’t want to.  Dinner is cool once in awhile, along with going on the occasional fuck date he sets up for me, but I need to be home with my brothers otherwise. He used to understand that, but I can tell he’s getting restless now.  He wants us to hang out and have fun like we used to.

But I’m not that guy anymore.

“Saturday? Yankees? Box seats? Blonde?”

“No.”  I wave my hand at him and go back to my screen.

“J, man...I know your heart got ripped out of your chest.  It happens to the best of us, but you gotta move on sometime.  You should be out having fun.”

“I have about five million other things on my mind besides talking to some bimbo this weekend,” I snap at him, and gaze at my computer screen for several more minutes before finally looking up again.  “Shouldn’t you be home, catching up on your rest?” I grunt before focusing back on my stocks.

“You’re way too bitter, you know? It’s like you’re still stuck on that skank.”

“Fuck off, Trace,” I don’t look at him.

Minutes later I hear my door clicking closed, and when I look up I find that he’s deserted me.  Good, it’s better that I’m alone.  I need to work, not worry about women.  I hate thinking about women.

Because it makes me think about her.

I rub my eyes and get up from the leather office chair, turning so I can gaze out the windows behind me.  Even now, this is one of the only things that calms me down at a moment like this.

She was confused and I couldn’t even console her, give her good advice.  I mean me, the most influential person on Wall Street at the moment couldn’t give his own girlfriend advice? Couldn’t break down and tell her that he loves her more than anything, to not leave because he couldn’t bare it, that he would miss the hell out of her.

No, i berated her instead.  Made her feel like a piece of shit that i never cared about, never loved.  i banished her from my life because i was too chicken to go out on a limb, risk my heart for the sake of our love.

I’m a stupid fucking asshole for that.

And I deserve to be alone.

I raise my fist to my mouth, end up biting down on my knuckles as I cry silently to myself.  I hate doing it, but I end up breaking down at least once a week in the privacy of my office.  I...fuck...

I’m still in love with her, even now that all this time has passed.  It’s pathetic.

I hear my Blackberry vibrating against the desk top and I force myself to get it together before I sit back down and pick up the call, not bothering to check the number beforehand.

“Timberlake,” I mutter.  I see it glinting out of the corner of my eye, and slide it up out of the pen box sitting on my desk, toying with it in my fingers, rubbing my index finger over the words on the inside of the band.

Lucinda found it under the bed in the guest room a couple of weeks after she was gone.  Abbey’s promise ring.  I wanted to throw it out, but couldn’t.  I tried to keep it shoved in a drawer in my bedroom, but it seemed to call out to me just like that heartbeat in The Tell Tale Heart.  I tried to return it to Tiffany’s but they told me since it was engraved, they couldn’t take it back.  I caved in finally and put it in my office.  I take it out and look at it on days like this, when I miss her the most.  it's the only memory i have of her now.  The pictures of us and the things that always reminded me of her, are long gone.

It gets me through.

“Oh...Justin, wow, I didn’t think you’d answer so early in the day.  I was going to leave you a voicemail.”

I let the ring drop onto the desk and sit up a little bit.  Crazy.  I’d almost forgotten her up until this point.  “Danielle?”

“Well...yeah...” she chuckles, sounding embarrassed.  “I was just calling to see how you’ve been.”

“You know, the same,” I say, half heartedly.  “Business, kids...no down time really.”

“Well I just thought, you know, since it’s been awhile, that we could have dinner.”

I don’t get why she’s calling me now and the only solution I can come up with is that Trace got to her at some point and filled her in on my current availability.  The last time I saw her she was half naked and scrambling to escape my place.  I guess it shouldn’t matter.  She’s a familiar face, somebody I was always able to trust, and I need that right now.  “I um...”

“I get it if you don’t want to.  We didn’t exactly...end on the best terms.”

I lean back in my chair and gaze up at the ceiling, willing somone to give me a sign.  One that tells me to move on, because Abbey definitely has by now.  My gut instinct tells me it’s a bad idea, but I choose to ignore it anyway.  “I could do dinner.”

“Yeah?”

She sounds relieved, like she’d been working up her nerve to give me a call for weeks.  “Yeah, absolutely.  How about tomorrow night?  I can get a sitter.”

“Great.” I hear her smile through the phone.  “See you then, lover.”

She hangs up and I toss my phone back on the desk.  I guess...maybe Trace is right.  I should move on.  I shouldn’t look back.  I’ve never been one to be torn down before, by anybody.  Abbey is history, and I need to get back to business as usual.  

Danielle it is.

I drop the ring into a desk drawer...