July

“Hey.”  I wave a little, and pull the door closed behind me, sighing when I see the huge mess waiting to be cleaned.

She tosses me a mop and kicks my bucket over to me.  “You’re late.”

I smirk a little, knowing that she isn’t really mad at me.  “I got caught up.”  I drag the bucket over to the mop sink and start to fill it.

“Yeah well...just remember that I’m not here to clean your part of this mess.  If you didn’t come, I would have left it for you, and your ass would have been written up.”

“Have you forgotten?  I’m the golden child.  They would have just written you up for not ‘setting the standard for your fellow soldiers.’”

Jessica scowls.  “I hate you Sampson.”

I beat the shit out of that guy.  Beat the shit out of him.  They told me later that it was so bad, they had to do reconstructive surgery on his face.  The only thing about that is...I had no idea what I’d really done until the next day when I found myself sitting in that jail cell.  Abbey was there, asking me what the hell happened.  I saw the shock and horror written all over her face, and I wanted to explain myself.  I didn’t want her to be scared like that.

But I couldn’t remember a fucking thing.

I wrote the family a letter after my reprimand, stating my apology.  They didn’t write me back, but I knew they wouldn’t.  Not after what I did.

I had to see a shrink for a few weeks before they’d think of letting me do anything else on the base.  It was mostly bullshit. I sat in a room with a military psycotherapist every afternoon, and tried to convince him that I wasn’t crazy.  I didn’t ‘delve deep down into my inner layer.’  I wasn’t about to, with a complete stranger, and after awhile I think he figured that out.  The only thing I took away from those sessions, is the knowledge that it’s common for somebody like me to black out and lose it.  My CO’s just wish I hadn’t done it in a public place.  They like me a lot, know what I’ve been through, so they went to talk to the sheriff on my behalf, and asked him to let the base handle my punishment.  I’m not sure what else they said, because I didn’t ask.  All I know is that after they talked to him, I didn’t have to set foot in civilian court.

I was thankful, so was my wife.

I’ve been mandated to stay on base for the rest of the summer though, and I have to do mess hall cleanup after work three times a week until January.  Most of my buddies tell me it completely sucks, that the CO’s are coming down too hard on me, and I should petition for something different, but I just don’t care.  For one, I’m scared shitless of going off the base as it as, and as far as having to clean, well...I’m pretty good at that.

I had seven years to learn the best ways to get a mess clean in under an hour, to avoid the whip.

I married the love of my life back home in Colorado.  The wedding was everything I always imagined it would be.  Abbey looked angelic in her dress, and her smile was breathtaking.  It was like something out of my dreams, but when she kissed me I knew it was real.  I was alive, I was safe, and I convinced myself that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything ever again, as long as I had her with me.

There was a ceremony held for Lennot in his hometown, but I didn’t go.  There was too much to figure out with Abbey and my family then.  I wrote his family a letter though, told them exactly what happened to him, and that he wanted them to know that he loved them.  A couple of weeks later I got one back from his wife, thanking me for giving them closure so they could move on.  I felt like I had gained closure then too, and since it was right before the wedding, I think it was why I was able to sleep so well that week.  I felt like I’d done a good thing, even if I couldn’t bring Lennot back from the dead.

I fulfilled my best friends last wish.

I heard from Anthony about a month after we moved to Texas.  Apparently he’s doing well, all cozy with his wife and son.  They live in Arizona, and we’re trying to plan a visit soon, seeing as how we’re not too far away from each other.  Abbey keeps telling me to hurry up and plan the meeting so she can start fixing up the house.  She’s always worried about that, how clean the house is and how everything is set up.  If I move something, she questions it.

I think she’s going a little stir crazy.

She wants to work, but I don’t want her to.  The base is safe, nobody can get to her there, and I want it to stay that way.  She’s seen first hand what can happen if she ventures out into the real world.  I flipped out and beat up some guy who was having dinner with his family.  What if that had been us? What if somebody had come up to us and hit her?

I just can’t take that chance, so I make her stay home.

My mom calls me.  All. The. Time.  I swear to God, when I get off of work in the afternoon and come home, Abbey will tell me she called at least three times.  She worries, I know that.  She worries and she misses me, because she didn’t have that much time with me once I came home.  But we had to move.  If we didn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to move on with my life.  My mom knows that, and so does the rest of the family.  She keeps asking me when they can come for a visit, though.  She wants to see how my life has progressed since the homecoming.

I never have the answer, and try to get off the subject as quickly as I can.

I just...I’d rather it be just us right now, me and Abbey.  Phone calls to my parents and my brother are satisfactory for the time being.  Hell, they don’t even know about the Friendly’s incident.  I think I if I told them, they’d all jump on a plane and be here within twenty four hours.  While it would be comforting to know that they care so much about me, I just wouldn’t be able to deal with all the smothering.  

I get smothered enough by Abbey.

She’s lonely.  I know she is.  She hasn’t made friends with the other women on our block.  Some of them are really nice too.  I would know.  I’m friends with most of their husbands.  They always come to the office to drop off lunch for their significant others, and take the time to laugh and joke with me about something.  Everyone has made me feel real welcome here.  None of them try to feel sorry for me because of what I’ve been through.  That’s what I love about being here.  Everybody seems to understand what happened, and they know their limits.  They know what they can talk about with me and what makes me feel uncomfortable.  If I have an off moment, they take it in stride.

I have a lot of off moments.

“You wanna take the left end?” She asks me as I drag the mop and bucket back out to where she’s standing.

The left end is always the worst, it seems.  There’s always more food that’s been dropped on the floor and the tables are just plain old disgusting.  I mean, I’m used to cleaning up disgusting, but I’m free now...not a slave, and I have a say in what I do.  “I did it last time.”

“Yeah, but you owe me.  You’re late.”

I smile, and chuckle a little as I pile my hands on top of the mop stick.  She’s a great girl, Jessica.  She’s been cleaning out this mess hall with me since my reprimand.  She’s new to the military, a private.  I know she hates certain aspects of being here.  They’re the same things I used to hate in the beginning.  The long hours, the drill sergeants screaming in her face, and the chores, but she’s doing it for the college tuition.  

Just like I was in the beginning.

She wants to be a law student, like I wanted to be at one time.  We have a lot to talk about, and that’s good because it makes the time go by faster.  I hate leaving Abbey alone all day and all evening.  I know she’s completely bored without me, so the faster the better.  

“Fine.” I dunk my mop into the bucket and push everything over to the left end of the mess hall.  “But next time, you’re doing it, even if I’m not on time.  Remember, I am a staff sergeant.”

“Yeah, a staff sergeant that mops the floors with the pions,” she calls out.

We get to cleaning.  I’m immersed in my work, because I’m a hard worker, and I try not to let it take me back...there.  It happened the first week.  I was on my knees scrubbing the floor, and I looked over and saw Lennot right beside me, doing the same thing.  He was weak, and coughing.

“Let me help you.” I said to him.

He ignored me.

I guess I must have lost it, but I don’t remember when or what happened.  I blacked out.  The next thing I knew I was...I was in Jessica’s arms, leaning up against the wall.  She told me I was screaming.  She thought I was dying.  I begged her not to tell my CO about it.  At first she wasn’t going to listen. She told me it was serious shit, and that I needed help.  But I begged her.  I told her that my wife would be upset and I couldn’t handle doing that to her after what happened at the restaurant.  So she listened...

It’s been our secret.

Out of everyone on this base, I consider her my truest friend.

“How’s your wife?”

I don’t talk about Abbey much with anybody.  My buddies don’t really ask about her, because she doesn’t show her face all that much.  It always them, their wives, their kids, and then me.  I don’t mind it so much, but at times I begin to feel like I’m doing something wrong.  That I should be including Abbey, even if she doesn’t seem interested in this whole military lifestyle I’ve created for us.  Jessica is the only one who ever asks about her, and the funny thing is, she’s never even met Abbey.  “Okay.”

“You let her get a job yet?”

I mop in silence for a few minutes.  She thinks I’m stupid not to let Abbey get a job.  She says I’m too controlling and in the end it will be my biggest mistake.  She says it like Abbey is going to leave me, but she doesn’t know.  She doesn’t really know us at all, what we had before Afghanistan, and the way our relationship has become unbreakable because of it.  “She’s fine,” I tell her, quietly.  “I provide for her.  She doesn’t need to slave in some retail store.”

“Don’t you think she’s bored,” Jessica laughs.  “I mean, cooped up in that house all the time? And from what you tell me, she’s not a part of Debbie’s Wives Club.  I mean, I can’t blame her.  Who’d want to be stuck in a room with all those idiots anyway?”

“Hey, those women are nice.  I spend time with them.”

“They’re nice to you because they’re married to men that are just like you,” she explains.  “They’ve been living here for years.  Abbey is her own person.  She doesn’t have to organize military bake sales and car washes with the rest of them, to prove to herself that she loves her husband.  They resent her, because they have to.”

I laugh at her.  “Jess, I think you’re overreacting.”

“But I’m not.  Do you know that fifty percent of regular marriages end up in divorce? It’s even higher in the military.  Debbie’s girls band together, to make themselves stay with their husbands.  You’re lucky, you know? You haven’t reached that point with her, at least not yet.”

“It’s not going to reach that point.”  I mop more harshly as I say it.  “Our lives are different.”

“Just because some crazy shit happened to you, doesn’t mean you have more of a chance than anybody else.”

I stop mopping and turn to her, feeling the anger growing inside of me.  “Where is all this coming from? Is it because I was late? I went for a damn beer with the guys, okay? Get over it.  I’m doing my share.”

“It’s not because you were late,” she says quietly.  “I just...I just don’t want your marriage to end because you’re too afraid to let her live her life, Bray.  You’re great.  You’re the best guy I’ve met on this whole base, and you’ve been put through hell.  You don’t deserve to be put through it again.”

She’s the only one I’ve went into detail with about my captivity.  Nobody else has listened like she does.  Nobody else will leave me alone about it after I’m done.  She gets that I don’t want to be smothered, or cuddled like a baby.  She just knows that I need somebody to listen, to take my shit, and move on after that.  Abbey is different of course.  I dont’ get into details about what happened but when I have a bad night, she’s there, holding me, and telling me it’s going to be okay.  She’s the only one that can do that, because I want to feel her touch against my skin.  Imagining it for all those years while I was locked in a cage was the one thing that got me through, and it’s the only thing that can completely calm me down, even now.  

“You should meet her, you know?” I say, quietly after a moment.  “I think you two would get along well.”

She presses her lips together and moves her mop a little bit.  “I wish I could.”

I shrug.  “We can have you over the house for dinner.  Abbey can cook,” I smile.  “She’s great.”

She tries to smile but it fades quickly.  “Bray...there’s...there’s a reason why I’m trying to help you sort out your marriage.”

“Because you want me to help you get on Doctor Phil?”

She doesn’t laugh.

Something is wrong, and the more I stand here, staring at her, the more I know what it is.  But...no...

Not now.

I need her.

“You need to open up yourself more to her, Braeden.  I’m...I”m not always going to be here to listen.”

“They’re...” I pause, trying to form the words and hold my emotions back at the same time.  “They’re not deploying you are they?”

She looks at the floor.

“Jess...”

“Yeah.”  She says after a while.  “I got the notice from my CO yesterday.”

She’s so young, just twenty three, and they’re shipping her off to the middle east without a care in the world.  She could die there...

She could disappear, get locked in a cage, and get whipped every day for seven years.

“No.”  I hear myself say it as I stare at her.

“Braeden...”

“You can’t.”  I whimper.

“This is the military,” she forces a laugh.  “They didn’t bring me here to have me mop floors forever.”

I rub the back of my neck, feeling my face turning red, my insides balling up into a jumbled knot of confusion and pain.  I start to realize how much I’ve been relying on her, how much sanity she’s brought back into my life.  It sucks because I’m married and Abbey should be able to do that.  She tries too.  She tries so hard to make me happy.  But she’s not a military girl.  She doesn’t know how it is.  But Jessica does, and Jessica always will.  

“When?”

I hear her sigh and then she’s in front of me, putting a reassuring hand on my shoulder.  “The day after tomorrow.”

The tears are spilling out of my eyes now.  “You can’t.”

She hugs me.  For a moment I don’t return it, because part of me is so angry.  So angry at her because she’s letting them take her away from me.  But I realize that’s silly.  It’s out of her control, unless she wants a dishonorable discharge, and she’s worked too hard through basic training to do that.  She wants a future.  A future that her family’s finances couldn’t provide.  

I hug her back, so close, so tight.   

“I just want you to be okay, Sampson.” She pulls away from me and holds me in her arms for a moment as she stares back into my eyes.  “You deserve that, you know?  You deserve to be happy with your wife.”

I shake my head.  “All I want to do is go over there with you so I can protect you.”

“Yeah, but you can’t, and you’d be crazy to try. Besides, I’m from Chicago.  I can take care of myself.”

It’s supposed to get me to crack a smile, but I just can’t do it.  Not right now.  “What if I lose you?”

She doesn’t say anything.  

“Jess.”r32;

“C’mon.  Let’s finish, okay?  Your wife is sitting home by herself, and you definitely need some lovin’ tonight.”

She picks up the mop and starts to finish her cleaning job, like what she just told me doesn’t even matter.

It’s the second time in my life that I’m about to lose a great friend.  Lennot died in my arms, and now Jessica is being torn away from me.  It fucking sucks.  Why me? Why is this my life? Why can’t I be a millionaire, give her the money to go to school so she doesn’t have to risk her life to go?

It’s just not fair.

I drop the mop and start to head out of the mess hall.

“Bray!” She calls after me loudly, and I know she’s pissed.

I don’t answer.  I can’t, because it hurts too much.  I start to run once I get outside.  I run forever, around the base, down to the track, and back towards home again.  I see the light in the living room window.  Abbey is up waiting for me like always.  I stop and pant, lean over with my hands on my thighs, trying to catch my breath.

I can’t go in there.

She just won’t understand.

I find a bench a few blocks away and cry myself to sleep on it.

I know how much trouble I’m in when I wake up again.

I slowly make my way back to our house and unlock the door.  Abbey is passed out on the couch.  I know she fell asleep waiting for me to come home and I have no idea what’s been going through her mind all night.  I creep closer to her, can see her mascara dried underneath her eyes, like she was crying all night.

I’m such a piece of shit.

I move her legs slightly so I can sit down on the couch, and I position them on my lap, rubbing the bare skin gently, before I finally get the guts to say her name.  “Babs.”

“Hm.”  She shifts a little bit in her sleep.  

I lean over and kiss her forehead.  “Hey.”

Her eyes open just a crack, and then they widen when she realizes that I’m really there.  “Braeden.”

She’s pissed.

I lick my lips and sigh.  “Ab...”

“Where the FUCK were you?”  She sits up more, pulling her legs off of me and hugging them to herself.  “I was...I was so fucking worried about you!”

“I had mess hall.”

“All night?”

I rub my face with my hands.  She doesn’t know about Jessica, and if I tell her about her, she’s only going to think that I slept with her.  “My friend is getting deployed tomorrow.  We were all just kind of saying our goodbyes, and then...I lost track of the time.”

“Why didn’t you call me?” She whimpers as she presses her face into her knees.  

“I don’t know.  I...I should have, I guess.”

“You guess you should have?”  She glares at me before slowly get up from the sofa.  “You know Bray, it’s been a crazy fucking year.”

“Yeah,” I nod slowly.  “I know.”

“I married you, without a question...after seven years of people telling me that you were dead.  I packed up and left my entire life behind to move here...to bumfuck Texas so you could have a better life!  And all you do...all you do is ignore me! I”m here, alone, all day, Monday through Friday.  That’s my full time job!”

I just stare at her.

She’s had it.  She’s sick and tire of her mundane lifestyle, even if it is with me.  I mean, she’s lucky that I’m even here, but I won’t point that out.  She’s angry and that would just set her off all over again.  “So what do you want?  What can I do?”

“I don’t fucking know.”  She runs her hands through her hair.  “I’m...God.  Bray...I’m unhappy.”

I get up this time, go to her and wrap my arms around her waist.  She lets me.  I’m thankful.  “I’m sorry.”

“That doesn’t change anything.”

I suck in a long breathe.  I know what I have to do, even though...it terrifies me.  Jessica was right though.  I need to let Abbey do her think, or else our marriage just might fall apart.  After all the years I waited to get her back, I think I’d kill myself if I lost her now.  “You want to get a job?”

She turns her head slightly.  “You said...”

“I’m a fucking idiot.  You...you deserve to do what you want, Ab.  I’m not your master.  I...have no right to act like I am.”

I loosen my grip on her slightly, and she turns around in my arms so she’s facing me now.  “You mean it?”  

There’s a hint of a smile on her face, and I kiss her, so it will get bigger.  “Yeah, Babs.  If that’s what you want.”

She kisses me back, happier now, seeming to forget the fact that I was out all night.  It’s a relief, but I’m still scared that she’s going to get hurt out in the world.  “Just...promise me you’ll get a job close to base,” I say, once we stop kissing.  “Nothing out of town.”

She sighs.  “But, Bray.”

“Please?”

“God, fine.  I’ll find something local.”

“Okay.”  I flash her a small smile, and give her ass a little squeeze before she pulls out of my arms.

“By the way,” she says as she goes to sit back on the sofa.  “Who’s getting deployed?”r32;

I swallow hard.

“Bray?”

“My um...my friend.”

She lets out a confused chuckle.  “Your friend who?”

“Jessica.  She’s a private.”

Abbey raises an eyebrow.  “You never told me about any Jessica.”

I shrug.  “I didn’t see the point.”

“You didn’t see the point in telling me you were hanging out with some girl?”

“It’s not like that,” I sigh.  “C’mon Babsey.  You know I wouldn’t do anything with her.”

“Then why keep the friendship a secret?”

We stare at each other.  I can’t explain my reasons to her, because she won’t get it.  She’ll ask me why I can’t talk to her like I talk to Jess.  She’ll tell me that she’s my wife and she should be the one I go to with my problems, and she’ll be right too.  But no matter what she says, I’ll never be able to tell her about the horrors I’ve faced.  I open my mouth to say something else, something stupid that she’ll just get pissed off about.

But then the phone starts to ring.

“Saved by the bell I guess.”  She grunts it at me as she storms off to answer it.  

It’s probably my fucking mother.  I sit down and put my head in my hands.  This is bad.  She’s pissed and I didn’t even touch the girl.  I have no idea how I’m supposed to work through this with her, without getting into a really horrible fight.

“What do you mean he told you I was his mother? How the hell did he get there?”

I look up.  She’s standing in the doorway that leads into the kitchen.  Her face is pale, like she’s seen a ghost, and I know it’s not because of anything I did.  I rise up from the couch.  “Abbey?”

She holds up a finger to silence me.  “Austin?  Oh God...what are you doing?  How the heck did you get all the way out here?”

Who the hell is Austin?

“No, you stay right there.  I’ll be right there.”  She clicks the phone off and sobs into her hands for a moment.

“Who...who was it?”

She shakes her head.  “One of the boys I used to take care of it at the police station right now.”

I give her a skeptical look.  “What?”

“I have to go get him.”

“Whoa.” I let out a nervous laugh.  This is crazy.  A kid? Here?

Not with my temper.

“Can’t you just call his folks?”r32;

She sighs as she begins to gather her keys and purse.  “It’s not that simple, and he can’t stay at the police station anyway.”

“We can’t have a kid here.”

r32;She whirls around, an angry, demeaning gaze in her eyes.  “Don’t even,” she snaps.  “I’m fucking livid with you right now, and Austin is important to me, even if you don’t care.”

She rushes out of the house, and the door slams behind her.

I guess that means it’s the couch for me tonight.