“So what time is he coming?”

I continue to stare at the wall as Braeden straightens his tie in front of the mirror.

“Babs?”

I look over at him.  “Huh?”  

“What time is this guy coming?”

He says it with agitation in his voice.  I guess I shouldn’t blame him.  I almost feel a little bad, even though I’m still angry with him. He slept on the couch last night.  It was so unexpected...all of this.  As I sit here now, I still can’t believe Austin made it all the way out here...

Or that I’ll be seeing Justin in a few hours.

“Closer to one,” I tell him, barely above a whisper.  Of course, Justin didn’t call me back to tell me what time he would be in.  Cheryl did.  It was one of the most awkward conversations I’ve ever had.

“Good. I’ll take off at Twelve-ish so I can be here.”

“Don’t.  It’ll be awkward.”

He turns to face me, a tired, defeated expression on his face.  I know he’s a mess between the incident at the restaurant, his friend being deployed, and me fighting with him about it all.  This is the last straw for him, and it’s just fucking crazy that Austin came here at this particular time in our lives.  So much has been happening with his emotions and mine, that I really wanted to try and focus on our problems, fix them before they got any worse.

But all that has suddenly been put on the back burner.

Right now, Austin is the most important thing.  

I feel like him being here is some crazy sign, trying to tell me something important.  I just can’t figure out what it is.  Of course I love the boys, but being able to spend more time with them is just out of the question.

Justin has turned back into the biggest asshole in the world.  I could hear it in his voice last night, almost as soon as we started talking.  He’s bitter and alone, and taking it out on the world.

It’s his own fault.

“You really think I’m going to let you be alone in this house with your ex?”

I shrug.  “You were alone with Jessica enough.”

“That’s not the same thing, and you know it,” he whispers and glares at me a little bit.  

“This is between Justin and I.  I want to handle it myself so you and I can move on, Bray.  We have a lot to talk about, starting tonight, when everything is back to normal.”

He stares at me, like he wants to say so much, but he won’t.  He’s been way too closed off since the incident at the restaurant.  I feel like he’s so distant now, so far away from me, and no matter what I do, I can’t get him to break down and spill his emotions.  We barely talk anymore.  He just goes to work, and out for beers with his friends afterwards, unless he has mess hall duty.  I’m alone now more than I’ve ever been since we moved here.

It’s driving me fucking crazy.

Now he says I can get a job, but really, I have no idea where I’m going to find one if I can’t go out of town.  Besides the local Friendly’s, it’s all mom and pop shops outside of the military base.  None of those places hire people like me, and given the circumstances...I think Friendly’s is out of the question.  I think he knows that too.  I think he knows I won’t be able to find a job, that I’ll just give up and stay home.

I feel like I’m his prisoner sometimes, even though I love him more than anything.

This thing with his “friend” Jessica set me off.  That was the limit for me.  He didn’t tell me about her, and I can’t understand why.  He’s my husband.  We’re supposed to trust each other, but yet, he kept something like that from me.  It makes me feel like I don’t matter as much to him now.  That his military buddies and this girl are the only people that can make him feel good in his life, take his pain away.

It makes me want to leave.

But I won’t.  We’ve been through too much and...and I have nobody else.  If I left Braeden I think our family would be so mad at me that I wouldn’t be able to show my face back home again.

“I’m coming home early,” he tells me, sternly.  

I know there’s nothing else I can do to stop him, so I just sit there and stare down at the floor until he walks out of our bedroom.  I hear the front door open and close again.  Then I cry into my hands, so hard, because I’m scared of what’s going to happen.  Justin is coming here, to get his brother, and he’s going to have to face me after seven months of no contact.  We’re going to have to face each other after that horrible fight, after he said all those things to me that broke my heart.

I have no idea how I’ll react, or how he will either.

But I gotta stay strong.

A soft tapping comes at the door, and I know Austin has finally woken up.  It’s still pretty early, so I’m surprised.  He had one hell of a journey.  After I got off the phone with Justin last night, I went into the spare room that he was in and sat at the edge of the bed for a while, stroking his hair, and thanking the powers above that he made it to me in one piece.  He was so dirty when I met him at the police station, so tired and hungry.  He ran into my arms the minute he saw me, cried into my shoulder and I cried right along with him.  He held me so tight.  Tighter than the day I’d left him.

I knew a lot was wrong, not only with him, but with Justin too.

“How did you get here?” I asked him, once we both calmed down.  

“I...I took buses.”  He reached into his pocket and produced Justin’s ATM card.  “I paid people to say that they were my guardian, and so...the drivers didn’t ask questions.  I’m sorry Abbey.  I’m sorry.  Please don’t send me back to the city!”

I hugged him again.  “I’ll take you home with me Austin, but I have to call Justin.  He’s probably worried sick.”

“He doesn’t care.”  He gripped my hand tightly as we began to walk out of the precinct.  “I’ll stay here with you.  It’s fine!”

I didn’t say anything else until I had him buckled into the backseat of my SUV.  “Look, Austin...I love you more than anything, but you can’t run away from your problems like this.  Justin needs you, and so does Davey.  You have your school to think about too.”

“I miss you,” he whimpered softly as I started up the car.  “Doesn’t that count?”

I could only sigh.  It was too much to talk about in the car.  He needed a warm bed, some food, and a bath.  “I miss you too.  A lot, Austin.”  It was all I said before I drove the car away from the precinct, and back home.  

Braeden was sitting on the couch when we walked through the door, staring mindlessly at the television.  I didn’t want Austin anywhere near him, the idea that Bray could lose his temper and scare the hell out of the kid a very real possibility, but Austin wasn’t going to let me lead him away without asking his questions first, of course.

“Is that your boyfriend?” Austin scrunched up his nose as he pointed at him.

Braeden glanced over his shoulder, looked at me for a long moment, and then finally looked over at Austin.  “More like her husband,” he laughed.  “And you are?”

Austin stood up a little taller and crossed his arms.  “Austin Timberlake,” he stated, proudly.  

“What brings you by?”

“I came to take Abbey back.”

Braeden laughed out loud, but I didn’t.  I knew Austin was telling the truth, and it was horrible to think that I was going to have to tell him that I couldn’t go home with him.    

“Take her back huh?” Braeden continued to chuckle as he stood up from the couch and made his way over to us.  “Take her back where?”

“To the city!” He yelled.  “That’s where she belongs!  With me and Davey and Justin! Not here with you!”

Braeden glanced and me and smirked slightly.  “But I love her.  She’s my wife.”

It was uncanny to me that Braeden was keeping his composure in front of a very angry Austin.  Especially because he was the one who was against me going to get him from the start.  I was proud of him.  It was the most normal I’d seen him act in months.

But I knew it wouldn’t last long.

Austin stared back at him for a long moment.  “You married Abbey?”

“Yeah,” he smiled.  

He considered it for a moment, looking him up and down slowly.  “You’re a solider?”

It was the first time he’d noticed what Braeden was wearing.  His military issued khaki pants and shirt with his rankings on the front and on his sleeves.  “I was.  Now I help the Army find people to work for them.”

“Do you get a gun too?”

Braeden smiled wider.  “Not now, but I did awhile back.”

“I have a Winchester back home.”

“Oh yeah? Are you any good at shooting?”

“Me and my brother got third place at the gun range contest!”

“Austin.”  I gripped his shoulders, because I could tell he was about to lead Braeden into a three hour long Q&A session.  “C’mon you need to eat and get in the shower.  You stink like I don’t even know what.”

“I um...I can help him get settled, if you want Babs.”

I stared at my husband, not being able to believe he was caving in for Austin like that.  I couldn’t blame him though.  Despite his tough exterior, Austin really was a sweet kid, always full of wonder and excitement.  He could make anybodies heart melt.  Even somebody as messed up as Braeden.

“Why do you call her Babs?” Austin asked him next, with a bewildered look on his face.

“I dunno.” Braeden shrugged and smiled at me.  “When we were in high school I started calling her that, and it stuck.”

It was the truth, and as much as I wanted to remain angry at my husband I couldn’t help but smile back at him then.  “Why don’t you go with Braeden,” I told Austin gently.  “I have to get this situation sorted out anyway.”

“Okay, Abbey.”

Austin smiled at me as Braeden took his hand and led him away.  I couldn’t even think straight after that, because I knew I had to call Justin.  Naturally, it wasn’t a good conversation.  I yelled, he made me feel like shit, but somehow I still got my way.

For some reason, he’s flying out here, even though I’m sure he’d rather jab needles into his eyes.

“Abbey.”

He taps on the door again.  I sigh, and wipe my eyes the best I can before I get up and open it.  He’s standing there in one of Braeden’s tee shirts that reads Fort Hood USA across the front.  It’s way too long on him, but it’s adorable at the same time.  “Morning.”  I force a smile and stroke his face gently.  “Do you feel okay?”

He shrugs.  “Can I lay with you?”

“Sure.”

I take his hand and we go lay down in the bed together.  He curls into me, and I stroke his face and hair for a while, before he decides to say something.

“What’s gonna happen when Justin comes?”

“Well...”  I trail off for a moment, trying to figure out the best thing to tell him.  “I’m sure he’ll want to talk to you about what happened.”
r32;I hear him sniffle.  “Do you think he’ll yell?”

I squeeze him a little.  “I’ll try to calm him down before he can.”

Silence.

“Abbey.”

“Hm?”

“Can I stay here with you and Braeden?”

I close my eyes.  “I don’t think so, Aus.”

“Why not? I think...I think it would be okay.  Justin wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.”

“Austin, he loves you.”

“He’s never around,” Austin whimpers slightly.  “Lucinda takes care of us now.”

“Why isn’t he around?” I whisper, feeling terrible about what Austin has just told me.  It sounds bad.  It sounds like Justin’s life has turned back into the way it was before we met.

“He’s always working, or out with Trace, or his girlfriends.”

I feel myself tense up inside.  He’s sleeping around.  It’s awful for him, I’m sure, because it’s just a front.  Justin needs emotion and love to survive, not random sex.  It makes me angry because he’s neglecting the boys to go have sex romps, but it makes me feel sorry for him at the same time.  “I’ll talk to him.”

“He won’t listen,” Austin cries.  “He doesn’t love us anymore, Abbey.  That’s why I came here.  I...I don’t want to be away from you anymore.  Tell him that you want me to stay, and Davey too.  We can live here, and we’ll be good.  I promise.”

“I can’t.”

“Why!”

“Be-because, Austin.”

God, I hate this.

“But why!” He yells, even more loudly this time as he sits up and turns around to face me on the bed.  “Don’t you love us?”

“I do.”  I sit up too, and cross my legs Indian style.  “But Austin, I...I have no right to take you away from Justin.  He needs you and Davey, even if you don’t think so.”

“If...if he makes me leave...I’ll...I’ll just come back!” He yells, his face red, the tears streaming out of his eyes.  “I’ll keep coming back until he stops caring!”

I realize that Justin’s plans to come here and take Austin back with him aren’t going to work out like he wants them to.  Austin needs time with me, at least a few days, so I can comfort him and show him why he can’t stay here.  Justin ripping him away from me isn’t going to work.  He’s too fragile and I guess I have to believe that he’ll try to come back to me again. He’s too strong willed to go back on what he said.  If he can do this once, I know he can do it again.  

But the next time, he could get into trouble.  That can’t happen.

It hits me that I’m going to have to put all the feelings I have for Justin, good or bad, on the back burner.  We’re going to have to have a serious talk about these kids, and figure out the best solution.  Maybe Austin and Davey coming to visit me every few months isn’t such a bad idea.  I think they need me, really need me, more than I ever thought they did.  Convincing Justin of that is going to be very difficult though, but I’m hoping he can be mature for once, and listen to me.

It’s a long shot.

But I care too much about the boys not to try.
***********
My eyes are fixated on the clock that’s on the stove.

12:09

It takes exactly ten minutes for Braeden to get back home from the office.

“I love grilled cheese!” Austin grins.

I force a smile and pat him on the head as he takes another bite.

“I’ll eat grilled cheese forever if I can stay!  Grilled cheese for breakfast lunch and dinner!”

I sigh.

12:10

I see his familiar figure walking up the back porch steps, and then the door swings open.

“Hey baby.”  He smiles, before he places the bouquet of flowers in his hands on the table, and leans down to kiss me on the lips.  

It’s been forever since he’s done that for me, and I know there’s so much he’s trying to tell me.  That he’s sorry about the way he’s been acting, how things have been going, that he wants to make it all up to me somehow.

But we can’t talk about anything right now.

“Hey,” I smile at Braeden after we kiss, and he takes his seat at the table. I slide the sandwiches I made over to him.  “How was work?”

“You know.”  He says, as he shoves the first sandwich into his mouth and takes a bite.  “Wuk.”  He chews and swallows before his gaze lands on Austin.  “How you doing kid?”

“Good,” he grins.  “I told Abbey that I want to stay here with you!”

“Really?”  He acts surprised, before looking back at me with a knowing expression.  

“Yeah!  I’m easy.  I can just...eat grilled cheese and I can clean the house and everything!”  

He’s so desperate.  I’ve shot him down more times this morning that I care to admit, and now that Braeden is here, Austin is trying to get him on his side.  Only, Braeden knows just as much as I do that Austin can’t stay.  

It’s terrible.

“You’d get bored,” Braeden nods.  “There’s not much to do around here.  You’re more of a city kid.”

“I’m from Memphis,” he snorts.  “I’m used to this.”

“I thought I heard a little accent in your voice,” Braeden laughs.  “What made you move to the city anyway?”

I snap to attention.  “Bray...” I try to warn him.  He looks at me, and I shake my head roughly.

“Momma and Daddy died.”

Just great.

“Oh.”  

I can tell Braeden wasn’t expecting that at all.  He’s looking down at his plate now, his cheeks red, knowing it was the worst subject he could have brought up.

“Well, I’m sorry,” Braeden speaks up after a moment.

“It’s okay.” Austin shrugs.  “If I come live here, I’ll feel better.”

I feel a migraine coming on.

“You sure know how to guilt trip somebody,” Braeden laughs.

“Where do you go when you’re on a guilt trip?”

I open my mouth to respond, to tell him to eat his sandwich and leave Braeden alone, but then...

Then the doorbell rings.

My stomach does somersaults.  I’m nauseated.  My entire body goes rigid, and I hold my breath.

It has to be Justin.

It has to be.

“That him?” Braeden asks.

“I...I don’t know.  Maybe.”  I slide myself out from the table and slowly rise to my feet, hearing the doorbell ring for a second time.  

Neither one of them follows me, and I’m thankful.  Then I’m at the door.  I turn the knob, and thrust it open.

“Where is he?”  

Justin storms inside my house, and looks all around for a few moments.  

“Um, yeah...hey to you too.”

God, he looks good.  So good, just like I remember him.  If it weren’t for the bags under his eyes, and the fact that I know he’s a fucking mess, I would probably be able to say that he looks hot.  But I can’t say that.

Shit, I’m married.  I shouldn’t be thinking any way about him, other than that he’s Austin’s caretaker.  Hell, after the way he talked to me on the phone, and the things he said to me the last time we saw each other, I should hate him completely.

But I just...can’t.

“Austin!” Justin calls out.

Naturally, Austin doesn’t come, because he doesn’t want to.

“He’s having his lunch,” I say.

Justin ignores me completely and heads further into the house, searching for his brother.  “AUSTIN!”

I storm along behind him.  This is bad.  Braeden doesn’t want him in the house as it is, and Justin is showing off his attitude problem very well right now.  Since they’re both hot headed men, I know if they get into it, things are going to be very bad.

“Austin!” Justin yells when we get into the kitchen.  He’s angry, completely enraged at his brother.

This isn’t going to go well.

Austin drops his sandwich and stares at Justin.

“Get over here.  Right now!”

“Calm down,” I whisper.  “He’s scared.”

“Don’t you fucking tell me to calm down.”

This time Braeden looks up.  I could tell he was trying to keep out of this, but hearing Justin talk to me that way, has fired him up.  I cringe.

“Hey man.” Braeden gets up from the table and smirks at Justin slightly.  “That’s no way to talk to her.”

“Oh so this is him?” Justin laughs and points at Braeden.  “Nice, Ab.  You got him bonding with my brother too?”

“Justin, just...just take Austin and leave.  Now.”

“Abbey no!” Austin wails in the background.  “No!”

“What’s your problem?” Braeden asks him.  “You come barging into my fucking house, yelling at my wife in front of the kid? It’s no wonder he ran away.”

Justin shoves him a little.  “Stay out of this.”

Shit.

I see Braeden clenching his jaw and flexing his hands at his sides, ready to punch him.  

“Austin I want you to get your things,” I whisper next.

“No.” He’s sobbing now.  “Abbey don’t make me.  Don’t make me.”

“Now, Austin.”

This time, he does what he’s told.  

“Bray just...go, okay?”

He looks at me finally, his expression still full of rage.  “No.”

“Please.”

He lets out a harsh sigh, before looking back at Justin again.  “You’re fucking lucky she cares.”

Then he bangs out the back door.  It takes me a moment, but I finally turn back to Justin, crossing my arms as he stands there, laughing to himself.  “Did you prove your point?”

“Just shut up.”r32;

“No!” I scream at him.  “What the hell are you doing, Justin? You don’t even care that Austin is in one piece do you? You didn’t even hug him or ask him if he was okay!”

“I can see that he’s okay.”

“You’re such an asshole.” I shake my head roughly.  “You don’t deserve the boys.”

“Tough.  They’re mine.”

“You don’t own them,” I seethe.  “They’re people.  Once upon a time, you used to look at them that way too.”

“Abbey?”

I hear the small, familiar voice echoing in the other room.  I stare at Justin.  I know it’s Davey.  “You brought him?”

“What was I supposed to do?” He scowls.  ‘You didn’t exactly give me time to arrange childcare, did you?”

“I thought you had Lucinda.”

He shrugs.

He’s full of shit.  Complete shit.  Davey is here because he wanted to come, and Justin is such a pushover when it comes to his youngest brother, that he gave in.  Only he doesn’t want me to think that.   He doesn’t want me to think that Davey misses me just as much as Austin does.

“Abbey!”

He runs through the kitchen and over to where I’m standing.  I immediately feel myself smile and catch him in my arms, picking him up and kissing his face.  “Hey you!” I laugh and tousle his hair.  “I’ve missed you.”

He buries his face in my neck.  “I miss you.”

I rub his back gently as he continues to hide his face in my neck and shoulder.  Justin is staring at me.  It’s not such an angry stare anymore.  It’s more like...he understands now.  He understands my bond with the boys and what my being gone has done to them.  

“I’m going to talk to Austin,” he mutters.

“Fine.”

He storms away.

I sit down on the couch with Davey for awhile.  I can hear Justin yelling at his brother a few rooms away, but I decide to stay out of it.  I know what a nightmare it probably was for Justin, not knowing where Austin was for all this time.  I don’t exactly condone screaming at the kid, but if I try to stop it, I know Justin will only get angrier, and I don’t feel like dealing with it.

“Here, Abbey.”  

Davey smiles as he pulls something small out of his pocket and places it in my hand.  I gaze at it for a moment and realize it’s a little toy ring that you would get out of a quarter toy machine or a box of cereal.  “For me?” I laugh playfully as I slip it on my finger and admire it.  “You shouldn’t have!”

I kiss him on the nose, and he squeals with laughter.

“Now you’ll come back,” He says, proudly.  

I raise an eyebrow.  I realize it was his plan all along, to give me this gift, so I would want to come back home.

I remember the ring Justin gave me, how Davey asked me about it a few days afterward, and how I told him what it meant.  He’s trying to do the same thing.

Fuck, as if Austin wasn’t bad enough, now I have to try and explain to Davey why it is that I can’t live with them back in New York anymore.  “Davey...”

“NO!”

Justin is dragging Austin by his arm through the house.  He’s struggling so hard against Justin’s grip, nearly slipping out of the shirt he’s wearing, but he can’t quite do it.  Justin is gripping him hard by the arm, a determined look on his face, like he’s about to leave right now.

“ABBEY!” Austin screams.  

It’s the same scream that came out of him the day I left him behind.  Something snaps inside of me.  I can’t...I can’t take it.  I can’t stand by and watch him be ripped out of my life.  

“Justin, wait!” I yell, putting Davey back on the ground so I can get up and follow them out the door.  “Don’t do this to him!”

He doesn’t listen, just drags his wailing brother down the stairs and over to the awaiting limousine in the driveway.  The door is opened for him, and he pushes Austin inside.

“No! No! Abbeeeyyyyyyy!”

The door is slammed shut on him.

I hear him pounding from the inside, and immediately the tears begin to crawl down my face.  I feel Davey run up next to me and grab onto my hand.  I squeeze it tightly.  

“C’mon Davey.”  Justin points to a spot on the ground as if he wants Davey to come over to him like some kind of dog.

I shake my head.  “What’s happened to you?”

“Davey,” he persists, trying his best to ignore me.  “Come on, buddy.”

“I wanna stay with Abbey.”  Davey says it so lightly, and wraps his arms around my waist, hiding his face in my legs.  

Justin's expression begins to turn angrier, and he starts towards us as if he’s going to drag Davey away the same way he did to Austin.  “If you come near us, I will totally kick you in the balls.”

He stops, mid step.  “What...what the fuck?”

“You heard me.”

“This is ridiculous!  I mean, what? What do you want!  You want me to thank you for watching Austin overnight? Fine.  Thank you.  Now let us move on with our lives.”

“You shouldn’t be taking them anywhere like this,” I tell him, firmly.  “I don’t know what you’ll do, and I may not have custody of them, but I know what’s best, and right now...it’s not you.”

“Do you think...do you think it’s easy for me, being here like this?”  He runs his hands over his head and looks at the ground.  “Do you think it’s so fucking easy for me to stand here in front of you and not...and not remember?”

I wasn’t expecting that.  The tears rush to my eyes and I suck in a long breath, trying my best to keep them hidden.  I fail.  They start dripping down my face like two rapidly flowing rivers.  “Like it’s been so fucking easy for me!”

“You married him!”

“So!”

Wow, great comeback Abbey.

He laughs bitterly.  “Nothing that happened between us matters anymore.”  He stomps up the stairs, hesitates for a moment, and then pulls Davey to him, seemingly relived when I don’t follow through on my violent threat against him.  “I’m taking them back to New York.  We’ll be fine, and you’ll figure out how to be fine too.”

“You’re not fine, though,” I call after him as he guides a whimpering Davey back down the porch steps.  “I know you’re not.”

He looks back over his shoulder.  “You ripped my fucking heart out.”

“You didn’t give me a chance to talk to you about it.”

“Would there really have been a point, Abbey?”  The chauffeur opens the door for him, and Justin has to hold Austin back for a moment while Davey reluctantly climbs in the car, waving at me a tiny bit, before the door is closed on him again.  

I walk down the steps and over to where he’s standing.  I’m just feet away from him now, and I can tell how uneasy its making him.  He’s rubbing his top lip, and shifting his weight from one foot to the other.  “We’d always been able to talk before.  So yeah, I think there would have been a point.”

“Right.”  He laughs again.  “Well, it’s too late for all of that now, isn’t it?  Nice ring.  He buy that for you on his big military salary?”

I glance at the heirloom, and scowl.  It was a stupid comment, but I know it’s the only one he could come up with right now.  “It’s been in the family for a long time.”

“Well, I hope you’re happy.”

He doesn’t smile, but I can tell that deep down, a part of him is being completely sincere.

A part of him, a big part of him, still loves me.

It fills me up with a warmth I haven’t known in months.

Because I know I still love him too.

“I...I’m trying to be.”

He stares at me for another very long moment, and then...he reaches his hand out, and it touches my cheek for the briefest of seconds, before he catches himself and yanks it away.  “Take care, huh?”

I open my mouth to respond, but he turns around quickly, and gets into the limo even quicker.  I cover my mouth with my hand, sobbing a little as the chauffeur gets into the car and backs out of the driveway.  There they go.  My boys are gone again, and I barely got to say goodbye.

“Babs.”

I turn slightly.  Braeden is there, leaning against the porch railing, his eyes filled with confusion.  I don’t know what he heard just now, but I know how much he dislikes Justin.  “Bray...”r32;

“That’s it right?” He stares off into the distance as he asks me the question, as if he’s completely expecting the limo to pull back into the driveway.  "He's gone?"

Only, I know that it won’t.

“Yeah,” I whisper.  “They’re gone.”

He nods a little, his expression still serious.  “Can we talk?”

I swallow, hard.  “I...I guess.”

He holds out his hand to me, and when I reach the top of the stairs again, I take it.  He leads me into the house, and we sit down on the couch together.  He strokes my face and hair, thinking it will calm me down.  It doesn’t though.  I can’t think about him right now, about our marriage, and the fact that so much crazy shit is going on with him that it’s slowly starting to fall apart.

The only person on my mind is Justin.

But that’s just fucking ridiculous.

“So, I know today has been kind of crazy,” he begins.  “And, I’m sorry if I got pissed off this morning and before...it was just awkward, you know?”

I just nod, and don’t meet his gaze.

“They’ve offered me something.”

This time, I pay attention.  “What?”

“My CO.  He wants me to take a position in California.  It’ll be just like this, a house and a car, but the pay will be higher.”

I can’t believe him, can’t believe he’d ask me that on a day like today when my mind is so clouded up with shit that I can barely think straight.  “Are you serious?”r32;

“Yeah,” he smirks.  “What do you think?  We can always use more money, and...there’s probably more for you to do out there too.  It’ll be like starting fresh.  Too much has happened here, you know? Things will be better for us in a new place.”

I shake my head roughly.  “How...how can you ask me about this now? I just...I just had Austin ripped away from me and...Davey too.”

“But Ab...they’re not your life anymore.”

I put my head in my hands, and a moment later I feel his hand on my back, rubbing it gently, and telling me everything will be okay.  But it won’t be.  I can’t...I can’t just get over the three of them as fast as he thinks I should be able to.  It’s not fair.  It’s not fair to me or the boys, or to Justin...because I know if he wasn’t so scared he would have told me how he really felt.    

But now Braeden wants to move, and it’s probably to get me farther away from Justin and the boys, more than anything else.

“I have to give him an answer in a couple of days.  I know it’s hard to comprehend right now,” he whispers as he gives me a light kiss.  “I know it is, and I don’t blame you for feeling like this...but you’ll see.  It’s a fresh start for us, baby.  We can move away from here, get settled someplace new, and forget all the shit that happened here.  You can probably make some new friends, find a little job...and...” He smiles and lets his hands travel down to my stomach, caressing it gently.  “We can start working on some projects of our own, you know?”

A baby.  I can’t think about it right now, but if anything, I know having Austin around probably showed Bray what our lives would be like if we had a child of our own.  He probably think it will save our marriage, but I know that’s not a reason to have a baby.  “Bray...”r32;

He sweeps me up into another long kiss.  “Just think about it,” he says, with a gentle smile.  “Give it a chance, Ab.  We deserve to be as happy as we can be.”

He leaves me there, tells me he’s going to go back to work, and I dont’ say anything more to him as he walks out the door.  Fuck, what happened just now? Was Justin really here? Were the boys? Did we really argue like that, or was it all just a big fucking dream?

I close my eyes, feel his hand touch my face, and I melt away into the memory.

No, it was definitely real.  

But now Braeden wants me to move away, and most likely won’t want me to tell the boys where we are.  He just wants me to disappear so Justin will never be able to reenter my life again.

He thinks this is the answer to all of our problems.  Like, if we move someplace else, and start over he won’t be plagued with the nightmares he lived through as much, and in turn, he won’t have any scary episodes in public.  It’s not the answer.  I know it’s not, but telling him that will be like talking to the wall.  I can tell he’s made up his mind about this.  Convincing me is the final hurdle for him, and I know if I say no, he probably won’t take it seriously anyway.  This is his dream...to move us out of here, get me pregnant, and live out the rest of our lives together.

But is it my dream?

Is this what I left Justin for?

No, my inner voice tells me.  You left Justin because he pushed you away and you didn’t fight back.

He was too scared to tell me to stay, to tell me how much he loved me, and I’ve known that since I walked out his door that day.  I just...held it against him, pushed him and my love for him out of my memory to focus on Braeden.

How could I just...let our love fall apart, when I knew how hard it was for him to express himself?

Why couldn’t I have seen things from his perspective for one fucking second?  When he told me to get out, why did I accept that? Why didn’t I stand firm and refuse to take no for an answer?

I don't know anymore.

But, fuck, I...I’m still in love with him.

This is bad.  This is really, really bad.

I should be thanking the heavens that I have Braden here with me, that I can hold him and kiss him and live the life we always dreamed of having together.  I shouldn’t be this selfish.

But I just...I can’t help myself.

The more time goes by, the more my heart aches for Justin.

The sad thing is there’s nothing I can do about it.  I can’t leave Braeden now.  I know what that would do to him, and I would never forgive myself if he got hurt because of me, the woman who is supposed to love him forever.

I have to press on and make this work, because it’s the choice that I made.  He's my husband and I should love him and respect the fact that he's trying to better our lives.

But the biggest part of me, is begging me not to go through with this.