What am I doing?

I mean, seriously, what the hell am I doing?

I stare back at myself in the mirror for the thousandth time this morning, trying to decide if my makeup looks too overdone or if my outfit is ridiculous.  I’ve changed twelve times.  Twelve times.  I’ve put my hair up and taken it down so many times now that I can’t keep track anymore.

I’m married.

Making an effort for Justin should be out of the question.  I should be going to this lunch without makeup, in a pair of old jeans and one of Braeden’s many Fort Hood tee’s, preparing myself to talk about the boys and only the boys with him during this little get together.  

But as much as I love and care for both of my boys, they’re actually the farthest thing from my mind right now.  I can only focus on Justin, what really possessed him to stay here, and what he wants to talk about with me today.  There’s not a doubt in my mind that he still cares about me now.  This morning on the phone I heard the Justin that I used to love.  The one with a heart.  It was like something had given him a wake up call, forcing that part of himself to come back to me.  

Maybe he just wants to be friends.

Yeah, right.

What am I supposed to do if he starts telling me that he loves me still? I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do? Tell him I love him too? That I never stopped?

That would be the truth.

But then what about Braeden? What about our marriage, our...supposed love?  What about the sacrifices he’s made for me? I can’t just hang him out to dry, tell him, ‘it was a nice run, Bray, but it’s over now.’  No.  Our relationship is different.  He’s different.  He’s terrified of everything and won’t trust anything or anybody that doesn’t have a place in the military.  

He’d never make it without me.

I don’t want to think of the consequences if I did decide I couldn’t be with him anymore.

As it is, he had another night terror last night.  It was bad, worse than it’s ever been.  I just...I couldn’t get him to calm down.  He was screaming and crying out, pushing and clawing at me, trying to get me away from him, as if I was one of his captors.  I had to drag him into the shower, and turn the cold water on him, clothes and all, before he finally snapped out of it.  I sat there, against the toilet, as he stared back at me, breathing harshly, the water pouring down over him.  He finally started to cry, telling me how sorry he was.  I knew he’d snapped out of it, and that should have relieved me...

But I was tired.  I was so tired, and I knew that no matter what I did, I would never be able to make him better.  I didn’t understand the whole situation, because he wouldn’t talk to me about it.  I was still on the outside, even though he tried to keep me so close to him.  Our sex life was...barely there.  He tried to perform, I tried to help him along, but the more we tried the more his body seemed to resist.  It just...wasn’t something he was able to do anymore, not for very long anyway.  Of course, sex wasn’t everything, but the fact that we weren’t able to have it at all, was hard for us.  We both wanted to love each other that way, and because we couldn’t, we were growing more distant as the days passed.  It was making Braeden moody, which caused me to argue with him.  At times, I felt that all we did was argue, and it was crazy because...because before all of this happened, we never, ever argued.

I had to admit it to myself.

Our marriage was falling apart.

It still is.

He knows it too, and I’m sure it’s the biggest reason he’s so dead set on moving us out to California and getting me pregnant.

Only, that’s not the answer to our problems.  Bringing a child into our lives right now would be a huge mistake and I refuse to do it, only...I haven't exactly made my feelings known, because I’m scared of his reaction.  He needs help.  A lot more help than he’s getting.  But he won’t seek it out.  He’s too proud, too dead set on showing all of his military buddies that he can survive anything.  

I don’t know how much longer I can last.

I guess it’s why I told Justin I would go to lunch with him.  I just...I need someone to talk to, about anything besides Braeden.  It’s hard for me to talk to my family or Charlene on the phone.  All they want to know is how things are with us, what we’re doing, what our plans are.  I just...I don’t find joy in making up stupid lies about how good we have it out here.  The truth is, we don’t do anything, at all, especially now that he’s mandated to base.  He’s never around.  He’s always working or drinking with his buddies, and when he is around, we’re usually arguing or crying.  The only good time we seemed to share was when Austin was in the house.  Braeden smiled more than he had in months and so did I.  But now Austin is gone.  That happy time is over now.  We’re back to square one, and I dont’ want to think about how bad things are going to get from here on out...

Especially if we move again.

I continue to stare at my reflection until the sound of the phone ringing snaps me out of my daze.  I walk back into the adjoining bedroom, and pick it up, hoping its Justin.  “Hello?”

“Hey baby.”

I do the best I can not to sigh.  “Hey, Bray.  How’s your day?”

“It’s all right.  How about you get us a movie off the Pay Per View and make that roast in the fridge?”

He’s trying so hard to make up for last night.  It’s the Braeden I used to love on the line, and I feel the tears building up behind my eyes.  This is the version of my husband that I need, not the other ones.  Not the messed up one, or the angry one, or the distant one.  It makes me want to forget all about Justin, curl up on the couch with Braeden as soon as he gets home and forget about all of our problems.

But I know they’ll just be waiting for us the next day.

“Okay,” I say it gently, trying not to give my emotions away.  “What time are you coming home?”

“Five I guess.  It’s slow so maybe four thirty if my CO lets me out.”

“I’ll make sure it’s done for you then,” I promise him.  “I’ll see you later.”

“Babs.”  He says it quickly, before I can end the call.

I close my eyes, squeeze them shut, trying to press out all the horrible emotions inside of me.  “I’m here.”

“I love you.  You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” I whisper.  “I know.”

I hang up, feeling even worse about lunch with Justin now.

I’d cancel on him too.

But something inside of me won’t allow it.  Maybe it’s because of the boys, because I know they’ll be there and be devastated if I don’t show.  

I nod a little. I’ll do it for them.

It’s 11:45 by the time I finish getting ready.  I end up wearing the first outfit I originally put on this morning, and decide to just leave my hair down.  I sit on the sofa after that, watching the news, my legs bobbing up and down, my hands trembling as I wait for the signal that Justin has arrived to pick me up.

The doorbell rings at 11:58, and it seems to take me at least ten minutes to grab my purse, and answer the door.

“Shit, I thought you weren’t gonna answer.”  He lets out a nervous laugh as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans and rocks back on his heels.

He’s scared shitless too.

It makes me feel slightly better.

“Oh I...I was just in the...the basement putting laundry in.”  I don’t meet his gaze.

“Right.”

It’s silent and awkward for the longest time after that.

“I passed this little restaurant outside of town on the way back from the car rental place,” he tells me.  “Filligans...something.  You know if they have good food?”

I shrug.  It’s sad.  I think I’ve heard of the place, but it’s outside of town, out of bounds.  “I’ve never been there,” I admit.

He laughs and gives me a worried look.  “It’s like ten miles away from here.”

“So?”

“It’s...it’s fine.”  He smiles and laughs.  “I’ll take you there.  I’m sure it’ll be cool.”

“Okay.”  I step out onto the porch, and glance around nervously for a moment, before pulling the door closed and locking it.  “Where are the boys?”

“With a sitter.”

I turn around.  “Where did you find a sitter?”

He chuckles.  “Money talks, even here.  The hotel manager at the place I’m staying offered to do it when I asked about a nanny service in the area.  She was taking her kids to the movies today anyway, and the boys were fine with it.”

He never had any intention on bringing the boys to this lunch with him.  He wanted to be alone with me.

I’m so fucking scared, but I know...I know I won’t turn back now.

“You um...you ready to go then?”

I glance at the car parked in the driveway.  Naturally, he rented a Mercedes.  Even now, here in bumfuck Texas, it’s only the best for Justin.  I’ve forgotten that lifestyle.  What it’s like to have everything.  But I don’t care about that.  In fact, I wish he wasn’t rich.  His money makes him so damn greedy and arrogant at times.  This version right now, outside of his car, outside of Manhattan and Goldman is the real, raw version of Justin that I fell in love with.  The one he doesn’t allow anybody else to see.  

“Abbey?”  

He’s opened the door for me, and is standing there, hoping like hell that I come over to him.  He’s terrified that I’m going to turn him down and run back into the house, only...he has no idea how much I really do want to go with him.  

“Coming.”  

He smiles as I get into the passenger side, and closes the door for me.  Seconds later he’s in the drivers seat, turning the engine over and yanking his seatbelt on before backing the car out of my driveway and driving away...

Taking me away from what’s slowly turning into my own personal hell.

It’s never hit me this hard before, how much I don’t want to go back there.

I find myself stealing little glances over at him as he drives.  His focus is fixed on the road ahead, his expression strong, confident, and he looks so handsome with his tinted aviators and one hand on the steering wheel.  He smells like I remember, that faintly sweet scent of his cologne that I could never remember the name of.  I feel myself slipping away into him all over again.

But I can’t let him know that.

The car ride is silent.  It’s a tell tale sign that Justin is thinking, hard.  He wants to say the right things to me, but he doesn’t know what they are yet.  Part of me is loathing our lunch conversation, but the other part is longing for it.

We can’t get there fast enough, and then...then we’re suddenly there, in the parking lot.  Justin turns the car off, and we sit there for a few moments, just looking at each other.  I can feel the smile threatening to break out across my face, so I quickly look away from him.  

“Ready?” He asks.

“Uh...y-yeah.”

We enter the place.  It’s pretty packed.  I guess this must be the local lunch hangout.  I think we’re going to have to wait along with all the other people that have already given their names, but then Justin hands the hostess a couple of hundred dollars bills, and we get seated right away after she finishes thanking him profusely.

It tells me he’s not going to let anybody spoil this moment for him.

It tells me that he loves me.

“So...how’ve you been?”

I try to keep my attention on the menu.  I’m curious of course.  I’ve never been here and they seem to have everything you could want to eat or drink.  But I feel Justin’s eyes on me, and I know I have to look up at him.  “Good.” I force a smile and the same enthusiasm that I do for my family.  “It’s different being in Texas, but I’m getting used to it.”

He nods a little.  “Yeah, that’s cool.  But I was talking about you being married.”

Oh.  Yeah, that.  “It’s good too.”

I look down at the menu.

“Just good?”

I shrug.  “What do you want me to say about it?”

“It’s not what I want you to say...”

“Look.” My eyes float back up to his concerned expression.  “I’d rather not talk about Braeden right now.”

He licks his lips, and nods a little, seeming to understand.  “Fine.  No problem.”

I ask him the first thing that pops into my mind, so the subject will change.  “How did Austin do with his spelling bee?”

“How’d you know about that?” He smirks.

“The letter he wrote me.”

“Oh...well, he took third,” he chuckles.  “He was real pissed, but I made sure he knew I was proud of him.  It was an all city thing so...considering how rough of a time he’s had in school, it was a big thing for him.”

“That’s great.”  I try to smile but fail.

Fuck, this is so awkward.

The waitress comes and takes our orders.  Despite the size of the menu, I only order a simple salad, because I don’t think I could stomach anything else.  Justin gets a steak for himself, and some wine for the both of us.  I shouldn’t drink today.  It’ll be bad but...I won’t say no to Justin today.  He’s put too much effort into this.

The wine is poured and we both seem to seek refuge in it for a few moments.  It’s gotten awkwardly quiet between us again.  He doesn’t know what to say to me, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to say to him.  “Justin.”  I finally break the ice after I’ve downed my first glass of wine.

He sits up a little.  “Yeah?”

“Why...why did you want to take me to lunch?”

He rubs the top of his lip.  It’s that nervous habit of his that I came to love over time.  “I wanted to talk.  I should have talked to you a long time ago, but I got scared, Ab.  Everything happened all at once and...and I’m the type of person who can’t deal with things like that.”

I feel the tears pushing their way out from behind my eyes, and then one escapes and glides down my face.  “It’s too late to talk, Justin.”

“It’s not too late,” he whispers it and leans across the table, so he can put his face in front of mine.  “I love you.  I think...I think I’ve loved you from the moment you walked into my office that day.  I was dumb, selfish, and arrogant.  I... I was scared of what would happen if...if we talked and I let you go off to spend more time with your family and Braeden.  I just, lost it, and I said things...a lot of things, that were fucked up.  I didn’t mean them, and I know that me saying that doesn’t make up for it, but I wanted you to know the truth.”

I look up at him.  Great.  His timing is just fucking great.

“I just...I just wanted to tell you that.  I‘m not expecting anything, Abbey.  I...I was a fucking asshole.  I’m probably the biggest one on the planet, and I know that.  Nothing that happened was your fault.  If I’d supported you more...maybe things wouldn’t have went as bad as they did in the end.  I should have understood.”

I wipe away the flurry of tears that have seeped out of my eyes due to his speech. Fuck, he can’t sit here and say this shit to me.  He just can’t.  He loves me? He loves me! “You love me?” I whisper.  “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that before?  Why did you tell me that you...that you never loved me?  Do you even know...”  I trail off because I can’t help the soft sob that escapes me.  “Do you know what that did to me?”

“Yeah.”  He looks down at the table for a moment before looking up at me again.  “That’s why I said it.  I wanted you to feel as hurt as I did, and that...that was wrong.”

I press my lips together.  I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do, or say.  I mean, Jesus.  This is so much.  So much to put on me during a lunch date.  “Justin I...I can’t do this.  I have...I have other things I have to worry about.”

“I’m not gonna let you go, Ab.”  He shakes his head.  “Not for him.  Not without a fight.”

My nostrils flare.  I’m so...I’m so angry.  Angry because he thinks he can just...take hold over me and love me again, just because he’s gotten some sense knocked into him.  He can’t...

But God, God, I know I love him too.

I never stopped.

“Are you even happy, Abbey?  Is your marriage happy?”

“Justin, stop it.”

He pulls my hand into his.  “Because I can tell that you’re tired and lonely.  I can see it all over your face, because it’s the same way I’ve looked for months.”

I tear away from him, frightened, not being able to handle what he’s telling me.  Then I’m running out of there, trying to get away.  But we’re far from my place, and all I can seem to do in the end is lean against the car and slide down onto the hot asphalt, asking myself why the hell I let myself come here with him.

I should have known he would do this.

But the thing is, everything he just told me about my emotions, is exactly right.

He knows me better than anybody.

Even better than Braeden.

It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted that.  I think Justin has seen me in ways that Braeden never could.  Justin was able to penetrate my soul even deeper, only I could never see that, because Braeden’s absence warped me so much.  Maybe, maybe Braeden was never my soul mate.

Maybe he had to disappear, so I would be forced to meet Justin.  And maybe I had to be hardened by that disappearance, so I could be strong enough to show Justin how to love somebody with his whole heart.

Maybe...maybe Justin has always been the one I was supposed to be with.

If that’s true though, fate has a really fucked up way of bringing people together.

“Abbey!”

He’s close.  I whimper into my hands.  I just...I want him to leave me alone.  I’m so afraid that I’ll hurt him...

Or that I’ll let myself fall in love again, hurt Braeden, fuck him up forever.

I just don’t know what’s right anymore.

“Hey.”

He’s found me, and he’s crouching down now, seeming to understand why I’m here and why I ran out on him.  “Justin...”

“I’m sorry.”  He reaches out and caresses my cheek.  “I’m so sorry.”

He’s crying too.  I know he meant every word he said back there.  I let myself break down.  I’m hugging him next.  We’re crying into each other, knowing how much we love one another, and how bad it sucks that we let our beautiful relationship just...die.

But how the hell can we get it back now?

“Can you give me another chance, Abbey?”  

He’s pulled away from me enough now that he can look me in the face when he says it.  I’m still crying, but know I have to pull myself together, so I take in a long breath and wipe the tears off my face.  “I don’t know.”

“Do you...do you really love him that much?”

“I don’t know.”

It’s silent for another moment.

“Can I kiss you?”

I look into his eyes.  They’re pleading with me.  He's so, so in love with me, and all he wants to do is take me away from all of this.  If he even knew the half of what’s been going on, I’m convinced that he would put me in the trunk of the car and actually drive us all back to New York City.  

I don’t think.  I can’t.  My mind is too scrambled with thoughts of him.

I just lean in, and press my lips to his.

We make out like that, in the hot Texas sun, in the middle of the Filligan’s parking lot, and it takes me away.  It takes me back to him and the boys, and fuck...I miss our life.  I miss everything about it.  I miss our dinners, our walks in the park.  I miss raising the boys with him.  I miss sitting on the couch with the boys and arguing over something so ridiculous that I'd end up laughing hysterically about it with Justin later on.  I miss our intimate moments.  The way he could captivate me, and make love to me in a way I’d never experienced before.

I can’t stand to be away from him anymore.

But I have Braeden to think about.

“He wants me to move to California.” I say gently, as he helps me to my feet after a while, and opens the door for me.  “He’s getting reassigned.”

Justin nods, seeming to understand.  “You don’t want to go, do you?”

“No...but, I...”

“Ab, I’m...I’m not trying to force you to break up your marriage...”

“It’s barely a marriage anymore,” I admit, sitting down in the passenger seat of the car.  “There’s so much wrong, and...he just doesn’t see it.  He...he needs help, and he won’t get it.  Even if you and I...didn’t get back together, I doubt I could stay with him much longer.  He’s talking about having a baby.  I can’t have a baby with him.”

It seems to anger him, so much, and I can understand why.  “Pack a bag.”

“You know I can’t.”

He strokes his chin.  “Yeah, but it’s not fair.”

“You’re right.”

It’s all that gets said.  Then he’s back in the drivers seat, and he reaches out for my hand after he starts the engine. I hesitate for a moment before I take it, and he laces his fingers through mine.  It’s right.  Exactly right.  Hell, we could be on a city bus in the ghetto right now and this would still feel right.  

But I can’t tell him I love him.  If something goes wrong...and I can’t be with him, I’ll never forgive myself.

He drives me back to my place, silently.  There’s really nothing to say.  We talked, we kissed, he asked me for another chance.  Now the choice is really mine, but he knows I need some time, and he loves me enough that he’ll give me that time without complaining.  That’s so selfless, and anybody else wouldn’t believe me if I told them that Justin Timberlake could be this way.

I made him this way though, because I loved him enough to make the effort.

I’m thinking about it all when we pull into the neighborhood again.  I lazily look out the window and glance at my house.

And I freeze.

“What time is it?” I blurt out.

Justin gives me a strange look.  “Almost three.”

Our car is in the driveway.

Braeden is home early.

I put my head in my hands.  

“Ab.”

“Braeden wasn’t supposed to be home yet,” I explain.

He stops the car.  “Are you..are you gonna be okay?”

He’s worried.  Hell, I am too.  I have no idea if Braeden is looking out the blinds right now, if he knows what’s going on, or if he’s been drinking.

I’m scared.

But I’m not putting this on Justin.

“I’ll be fine,” I tell him.

“My cell is the same,” he tells me, giving my hand one final squeeze before lets it go.  “You still have the number, right?”

I have it memorized, because I’m lame.  ‘Yes.”

“Then call me.” He forces a smile.  “Or...don’t, and I’ll understand.”

He gets out of the car, and I do it too.  Then I’m out, and he’s hugging me, so hard.  I hug him back, not caring if Braeden sees.  I’m not going to keep anything from him anyway.  It’s just not worth it to keep secrets like he does.

“Babs.”

I pull away from Justin and look up at the porch.  Braeden is standing there, beer in his hand, his expression lost, and confused.  

“I’ll talk to you,” I promise Justin, before I walk away from him.  

I slowly make my way up the steps to my awaiting husband.  He’s glaring at me the entire time, and I begin to wonder how many beers he’s had.  “Hey.”

“What the fuck is going on?”

I can smell the alcohol on his breath.

It tells me he’s had too much.

“He took me to lunch,” I say softly.  “Come on, let’s go talk inside.”

“You think...you think I’m gonna buy that?”

He throws the beer bottle, and it smashes against the house.  I back away from him slowly, and lean against the porch railing.  “Bray...”

“You went out with him!”  He grabs my arm harshly and yanks me to him.  “What the FUCK are you thinking about, baby?”

I’m terrified.  “You’re hurting me...”

He throws me into the house, causing me to hit my head against it.  It’s pounding, but I can still stand on my own two feet.

He’s drunk.

“Just stop it! You’re drunk, Braeden!”

I try to make my way to the door.

But he grabs me back to him and slaps me across the face.  It causes me to stop struggling against him, and I clutch my face, shocked and sobbing.

“Get the hell away from her.”

Suddenly Braeden isn’t in front of me anymore.  He’s on the ground, covering his nose and mouth with his hands.  Then I feel another set of hands on my shoulders, gripping them gently, but I can’t even turn to see who it is.  I’m so busy freaking out and crying that I can’t.

“C’mon.”

Justin’s voice is in my ear.  

“I...I can’t.” I cry, still clutching my face.  “I can’t leave him.”

“C’mon, Abbey.”

“That’s right...just go!  Fuckin’ BITCH! JUST GO ON!”  Braeden yells as Justin begins to lead me away.  I can see the damage Justin inflicted.  His nose is bleeding pretty bad and one side of his mouth is swelling up like a balloon.

But I know I can’t be here with him right now.  I have to walk away.

So I do.

Justin puts me back in the car and peels out of the driveway, completely silent the whole time.

I dont’ know what’s going to happen.

All I know is that Justin is here, with me.

And he’s not going anywhere.