I slept til noon, and when I woke up my head didn’t hurt as much as it did the day before.  I was thankful.  Thankful not only for the pain relief, but also for Justin.  I guess I was more thankful for Justin than anything else.  He just stepped in, and took charge, despite our differences, despite how confused we both were about the status of our relationship.

I got out of bed after that, and I guess the boys must have been able to sense me moving around, because they were pounding on the door that joined our rooms together almost right away, calling out my name.  I just laughed, and when I opened it for them, Davey threw his arms around my waist and Austin gripped me by the arm, telling me that Justin went to get food, and begged me to watch TV with them.

Of course I couldn’t say no.

I sat in my bed with them after that, one of them on either side of me.  They were perfectly content, cuddled up against me watching their cartoons as I stroked their foreheads and hair.  They didn’t banter or argue.  They didn’t say much of anything really.  It was like any other Saturday morning we would spend together.

It only reminded me of how badly I missed having them around.

My mind kept drifting back to Braeden while we watched the TV.  I couldn’t stop thinking of what he did, the look in his eyes and on his face when he did it.  I had never been so scared of him in my life, and a big part of me wished I could simply hide in that bed with my boys for the rest of my life.

But I knew I had to go back to him.

There was no choice, because I was his wife...and furthermore...because it was Braeden, and Braeden had nobody else to turn to.  Our family wouldn’t accept what he did, they wouldn’t understand why it happened, they couldn’t listen to him.  Only I could do those things.

I knew we would have to talk, alone...

I just didn’t know how I was going to get up the guts to do it.  I didn’t want to be terrified of him when we talked, because the situation wouldn’t be resolved that way.  I prayed I could get myself together when the time came.

And the solution to the situation was one I wasn’t sure if I was ready for.

Was I ready to work through it with him? Try to get him to go to marriage counseling with me or something? Hope like hell that he didn’t suddenly snap and lose his temper on me again? Or...was I ready to walk out on him? Break his heart, and our family’s? Get a divorce when we hadn’t even been married a year?

Either way, I knew the outcome was going to be a disaster.

I guess the biggest question was, could I still love Braeden now that he’d hit me?

I just didn’t know.

Mostly because I was afraid, but also because Justin had snuck his way back into my life, told me he loved me...kissed me...

And forced me to see that I still loved him too.

“Hey.”  I hear Justin say it through the door, and then it’s pushed open.  The boys run to him when they see the bags of food in his hand and the tray of soda’s propped up on his forearm.  “You gonna take that?” He asks them, as they scramble to help.  “Go in my room okay?”

“Ugh, why?” Austin pouts as he clutches the soda tray in both hands.

“Yeah, it’s okay,” I smile at him.  “They can stay.”

He lets out a long breath.  “I...I need to talk to you.”

“Oh...”  I suck in my bottom lip, knowing whatever he has to tell me is important, but not knowing what to expect at the same time.  “Boys, do what Justin says, okay?”

“But Abbey!” Davey whines.

“Please.”

“C’mon.”  Austin leads his brother back through the adjoining door.  “You’re such an Abbey hog!” He yells back to Justin before they disappear from our view.

We look at each other and laugh for a moment or two, before the more serious issues seem to take over again.

“How’s your head?”

“Better.  You were gone for a while,” I smirk a little as he comes over and sits beside me on the bed.  “You get lost?”

“Not exactly.”  He reaches out and smoothes his hand over the part of my face that I know is bruised.  “I...went to visit somebody.”

I feel myself go tense.  “Who?”

“Braeden.”

My eyes go wide.  “Justin, what did you do?”

“No, it’s not like that.  We didn’t fight...well, physically.”

I don’t laugh along with him.  “What...I mean, why would you do that?”

“I think he needed to talk to somebody, and I wasn’t going to let it be you.”

I shake my head and close my eyes for a few moments, trying to process what he’s just told me.  In a way, I’m sure he must have felt just like this when I told him I went and visited Trace in jail.  Only, there was a point to that.  A very serious one.  Justin going to visit my husband? The only thing that makes sense is that Justin wanted to kick the crap out of him.  But now he’s telling me that they talked?

I mean, Braeden actually talked to somebody other than one of his military pals?

It’s a damn miracle.

“What happened?” I finally ask him.  “I mean...Justin...”

“He’s got a lot of problems.  He just, doesn’t have a lot of people in his life that understand them.”

“I already knew that.”r32;
“Look, we just talked.  I think, given the circumstances, things went well.”

There’s something he’s not telling me.  “But?”

He shrugs slightly.  “He wanted to talk to you.”

“So give me my phone.” I hold my hand out.  “I couldn’t find it so I figured you must have taken it because you didn’t want me calling him.  Thanks a lot.”

“He’s downstairs,” Justin admits with a sigh as he hands my phone back to me.  “I brought him here.”

I give him a skeptical look.  “You didn’t.”

“I did,” he nods.  “He’s...he’s calmed down.  I made sure of it, and there’s plenty of staff in the lobby.  You guys need to talk this out, and I figured it was safer for you to do it here.”

Justin did this for me.  I can’t get past it.  He put all those angry feelings he had about Braeden and the situation aside, just so we could talk.  I mean, I know I said I wanted him to be more like the guy I fell in love with.

But this?

This is so beyond anything I would have expected him to do.

“Why’d you do this?” I ask him quietly.  “I could leave with him, you know?”

“I know that, but it’s...it’s not about me Abbey.  It’s about you being happy.  You have to decide what’s best for you.  I just...I love you, and I’m trying to do the right thing.  I can’t hide you from him, and Braeden knows that he can’t hide you from me either.  So just, go, Ab.  Go talk to him, and whatever happens, happens.”

I stare at him for a while more,  there’s a calmness in his expression.  One that tells me he knows everything is going to work out...that everything is going to be fine, and that I’ll be happy again.   

But how could he know that?

“I’m going to eat,” he tells me, placing a hand on the adjoining door that leads back to the boys.  “I...I guess I’ll talk to you in a bit.”

“Yeah...I...I guess.”

“If you need me, call me right away.”  He smiles only slightly, before he disappears from my view again.

Shit, what the hell?

What the hell do I do?

Do I love the man that’s waiting for me downstairs? Yes, but not the monster that lives inside of him.  So, should I stay here and just...hide from him then?

I guess that’s up to me.

Justin brought him here, because he knew it was the decent thing to do.  

Whether or not I go down and talk to him, is up to me completely.

But if I don’t do this, I know I’ll never forgive myself.

I’m in the elevator twenty minutes later.  I tried fooling with some cover up to hide the bruise Braeden gave me, but it didn’t do anything but make me look like I had way too much make up on, so I washed it off.  The bruise is pretty bad, worse than yesterday.  That side of my face is puffed up, black and blue and purple, starting from right under my left eye to just above my chin.  

I’m going to have to face him this way.   It’ll kill him for sure.

There’s no doubt in my mind that he barely remembers a thing about yesterday.

The elevator doors ding open, and I walk out into the lobby.  It’s actually a really nice hotel for this type of town.  Nothing luxurious, but it’s very quaint with the little white benches and beautiful plants, flowers, and fountains everywhere.  I’m so busy gawking at the surroundings, that I don’t even see Braeden until he calls out my name.

“Abbey.”

I glance back over my shoulder.  He’s sitting on a little white bench next to the fountain in the back of the lobby.  It’s weird to hear him call me by my real name.  He never does it, unless he’s serious, upset, or angry.

In this case, I guess he’s all three.

“Hey.”  I stand right where I’m at, don’t make an attempt to get closer to him, because...I’m not sure if I can trust him yet.  The bench is about fifteen feet away.

Safe enough for me.  

He slowly stands up and rubs his hands together, looking down at the floor for a moment before looking back up at me.  Even from this distance I can tell how much of a wreck he is.  His eyes are red, bloodshot, and sunken in from crying for hours and not sleeping, and his face is full of stubble.  I can see the damage Justin inflicted too.  The left side of his mouth is black and blue, and his nose is the same way.  It makes me feel a little bad at first...

But then I remember why he has those injuries, and I know he probably deserved to get them.

“Is it okay if we have a talk?” He finally asks.

It takes me a moment to answer him.  I know I should, even though I’m terrified.  It’s the only way to resolve the issue.

I still can’t believe Justin did this.

“Please, baby.”

I nod.

We find a bench that is a little bit away from the lobby.  I know Justin wouldn’t like it, but I don’t want to have this discussion around other people, and...I know Braeden.  Everything else aside, I know when he is and when he’s not in his right mind.  Right now he’s mellow.  Probably even more than he usually is because of his conversation with Justin.  I know I’m safe for now.

“God...”  He cringes when he sees my face up close, and reaches out to touch it.

I shrink back.  “It’s...it’ll be fine, Braeden.”

He pulls his hand away slowly, and presses his lips together.  “I’m so fucking sorry, Babs.”

I just nod a little.

“I didn’t know,” he cries.  “I didn’t know what I was doing until it was too late.”

“You need help, Bray.” I’m able to say it after several moments.  “You have to realize that.  I can’t...I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t sit up with you night after night when you have terrors, because it’s not helping you get better.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I just know that I’m not the solution.”

“It’s not your responsibility,” he whispers.  “It never should have been, and...I know that I’ve pushed you to do too many things that you probably didn’t want to, including getting married.”

My eyes widen and I stare at him for a long time.  “You don’t think I wanted to get married?”

He sighs.  “No.”

I laugh because the idea seems so crazy to me.  I mean, he asked me, I said yes.  I bought a dress, wore his family’s wedding bands, walked down that aisle and said I do.  Why would I have done that if my whole heart wasn’t in it?  We were happier then, and looking forward to the future.  I had no reason not to do it...

Because I was convinced Justin didn’t love me anymore.

“Can I ask you something?” He says, before I can protest.

“I...” I pause because I’ve started to cry.  “Yeah.”

“If...if things had gone differently when you went back to New York.  If Justin had asked you to stay, would you have come back to me?”

It takes me such a long time to answer, because I want to be honest with him.  Being honest though, can sometimes be so painful.  I know what the answer is, and I know I have to tell him, but I really don’t want to.  “No.  I...I wouldn’t have.”

I’ve never admitted that before.

He nods gently.  

“Braeden...”

“It’s not your fault, and I didn’t expect any other answer from you.  I should have known from that night that you stopped me from coming on to you in DC, that things had changed.  I just...I was home, you know?  I survived.  It had been so long and I couldn’t accept that your life might have changed over the years.  I wish I...I wish I hadn’t made it back sometimes, you know? You were happier when I was dead to you.”

“Don’t say that.  Please don’t say that.”

He scoffs, sadly.  “I’m not saying it’s your fault.  I’m just saying that it’s true.  I came home and that was so hard for you.  I know it was, because I know how much you love Justin and those kids.  I know you never stopped loving them, even when you came back to me.”

He’s right.  He’s so right and it’s killing me.  I feel like the most selfish person on the face of the planet.  

I’m better off just walking away from all of this, going into hibernation so I can’t hurt anybody else.  

“Remember when I made you promise to find a rich man to marry if I disappeared?”

“Braeden...please...”

“If I had to pick somebody...,” he continues.  “I wouldn’t want it to be anybody else but him.  He loves you, Babs.  He might love you more than I ever did, or ever could.  No man in their right mind would ever do what he’s done for us, and you know that.  He could have convinced you to fly away with him yesterday if he really wanted to, and I know...I know that you eventually would have given in.  But he didn’t want you and I to end things that way.  He wanted us to have closure and...I’ll always be grateful for that.  I’ll always respect him.”

He’s right.  Yet again.  But I mean, what is he talking about?  He’s talking like we’re not going to be together anymore.  “Closure,” I rasp.  “Bray...”

He reaches out and touches my hands, and I’m scared, but I let him hold them in his finally.  “We...”  He pauses and closes his eyes, his lips trembling, his body quivering.  “We can’t do this anymore.  We’re not...we’re not supposed to be together anymore.”

I shake my head.  “There’s ways to get help.  They have counseling and other people that can...”r32;
“You know that it wouldn’t work in the end,” he cuts me off softly, and smiles sadly.  “C’mon Babs.  Why...why should we do all that, and end up fucking our relationship up more?”

I look down and sob.  He’s right.  We’re not the kind of couple that’s cut out for therapy.  We’ve known each other too long, and been through too much.  We don’t need a therapist to tell us what we need to work on or that our relationship won’t last.  We both know it’s over, and it’s been over for quite a while.  Our lives are so much different than they were seven years ago.  Braeden has a military mindset now.  He’ll never get out of it, and I...I’m not cut out for this kind of life.  I don’t understand it, I don’t fit in...

And most of all, I know I’m in love with somebody else.

“You must hate me.”
r32;“No.”  He puts his fingers under my chin and pushes my head up gently, so I have to look at him.  “I could never hate you for this.  I’ll always love you, Abbey.  You’ll always be special to me.”

“Can’t we try?” I whisper.

“No,” he says, sucking in a long breath.  “We can’t.  There’s too much at risk.  You know that.”

I hate that there are no options.  I break down, hug him and cry into his chest, and he lets me.  He holds me in his strong arms and I feel him kiss the top of my head as I let my emotions pour out right there on our little bench.  I know this is it.  After today, he won’t be there for me, and I won’t be there for him. We’ll be left to fend for ourselves.  Sure, we’ll catch up every now and then I’m sure...

But it will never be the same.

He thinks I’ll be with Justin after today too.

But...

But I just don’t think I want to be with anybody for a while after this.

“I’ll miss you,” I sob out after a while, managing to look up at him.

“Man, Ab.”  He runs his hands through my hair once more, before flashing me that genuine, wonderful smile of his.  “I’ve missed you for so long now, that I forgot what it’s like not to.”

I press my lips together as I begin to fumble with the rings on my left hand.  I pull on them gently at first, and when they won’t come, I tug more harshly at them.  Then they’re off.  I clutch the wedding bands in my hand for a few moments, before dropping them into his open, awaiting hand.  

He looks at them sitting in his palm, before smirking slightly and shoving them in his pocket.

“I hope that someday...somebody else that deserves them gets to wear them.”

“Yeah,” he nods.  “I hope so too.”

We both get up from the bench and hug for a long, long time, before we can find the courage to finish our conversation.

“Maybe I’ll see you in a couple of days?” I finally say, once we break apart.  “You know, so...I can start packing up.”

“Yeah.”  He shoves his hands in his pockets.  “That’ll be good.”

“Okay.”

He leans in and gives me a small kiss on the cheek.  “Until then, Babs.  I’ll get a taxi.  Don’t bother Justin.”

I just nod and look away from him.

“Abbey.”

“Yeah.”r32;
“Thank him for me, okay?”

“O-okay, Bray.”

Then, he’s gone.

I sit back on the bench again.

I’m alone in the world.

Of course Justin is a few floors up with my boys but...it’s not like it seems.  I can’t just rush up there, throw myself into his arms and say ‘okay, let’s start over’.  I just can’t.  I’m so...numb right now.  Braeden is gone and the harsh reality of why our marriage has to end is going to hit me all too hard in the coming days.  I’m going to have to explain things to my family...to Barbara and Sammy.  I’ll be a wreck. I can’t burden Justin with that, and I don’t want to be with him simply because Braeden is out of the picture.

The last thing I want to do is be with him for the wrong reasons, and hurt him again.

Maybe I should be on my own for a while, see what’s in store for me that I’ve been missing out on.  I’m pretty sure I’ll go back to New York.  No matter what, I want to be around for the boys, and I know Justin and I have reached a point in our relationship that we can share them even if we aren’t together.  

It’ll be good, I think, making my way up in the world after so many years of wallowing in my misery.

“Hey.”

I turn.

“Hey.”

Justin walks forward, a soft smile on his face for me.  “Did you guys talk?”

“We did.  He...he said he can get home on his own, and wanted me to thank you.”

He nods a little.  “So...”

“We’re breaking it off.  I don’t know the details yet.  I guess we’ll figure that out in a few days, but...thank you, for everything, you know?”

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

He’s genuinely concerned.  It’s not about him, or us, or the boys.  He just wants to make sure I’m going to be okay, and I love him for that, even if we can’t be together right now.  “It is.  I...I think he’s going to be okay.  He know he needs help and that’s the biggest step for him...admitting that he has issues he can’t handle by himself.”

“What about you?”

I glance down at my feet for a moment, before looking at him again.  “What about me?”

“What do you want?”

I shrug.  “I don’t really know yet.  I’d like to move back to the city, maybe get a job, and...I hope, arrange something with you so we can both spend time with the boys.”

He smiles.  “Sounds good.”

We’re both quiet for a moment.  I know all of that will fall into place just fine.  The boys will be happy.

But then there’s the question of us.

I know I love this man that stands before me.  I love how strong he is, how he’s learned to pull himself together, love people, care about the boys.  I love the person he’s becoming, and I know I helped him to get here.  He’s a great friend.

My best friend.

“I don’t know what I want,” I admit.  “I love you Justin.  I just...I don’t know if I can jump back into things like none of this happened.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to.”

He says it, but I know inside he’s saying a lot more.  I know he loves me, he wants to be with me, wants to touch me, kiss me, take me to all the places that I love.  He’s backing off though, because he loves me that much.

“I know you need time, Ab,” he says, softly.  “I have to live with that.  But I’m willing to have patience and see how things go.  I can help you move...get situated, whatever you need.  I’m here for you, always.”

He reaches out and touches my face.  I let him, smiling at him a little bit as he does so.  He leans forward then, and gives me a soft kiss on the lips.

“Justin...”  I pull back from him, and give him an annoyed look.

“I’m testing the waters,” he smirks, his eyes gleaming with mischief.  

“I’ll test your waters, Timberlake.”

He laughs, and leads me back to the elevators with him.

It’s not much, but it’s the start of a new life for us, and for the boys too.  We may not be together right now...

But we’re working on it.