Four months later

I think the hardest part about getting divorced is the “packing up and telling the family” process that Braeden and I were forced to put ourselves through.  No sooner did he make the phone call to his mother about what was going on, than she was there at the house.  I mean, she was there the same fucking night.  So much for that whole ‘I love you Abbey’ attitude.

The woman hates me, to this day.

But I just don’t care.  She doesn’t get it, she doesn’t even get Braeden, and I knew that he wasn’t going to let her cart him back to Colorado like she wanted to.  He made it clear to her that second day in.  He told her he was staying in Texas, that he’d talked to his CO’s about getting himself some help, and he wanted to be left alone to deal with it.

“This is all your fault.”  Barbara snapped at me as I was sealing up a box of my things.  “I trusted you, Abbey.  You were supposed to love him.  That’s why I gave you my blessing and then you turn around and do this!”

“Whatever you say, Barb.  It’s all my fault, like always.”  I threw my hands up and walked out of the room after that.  I was just...over it.  Braeden and I had completely compromised.  We didn’t fight.  He was helping me pack, and...at times, we would talk a little bit about the past, about our friends and family.  Despite everything that had gone on, we were still friends.

We would always be.

Barabara didn’t get it.  She didn’t understand that the divorce was the best thing for us, and it made me sad.  It made me sad that she would never be able to understand her son again.  I knew Sammy probably understood.  I hadn’t spoken to him, but I knew since he wasn’t there, he knew it was best to let the two of us sort everything out ourselves.  Barbara was just too much.  She was more fucked up than I realized.

Shit, she needed to get help too.

But it was a laughable idea that anybody could persuade her to do it.  It’s unfortunate.  

She’ll be miserable the rest of her life.

But that’s not my problem, and it shouldn’t be Bray’s either.

My parents seemed to take the news slightly better than Barbara did, but that wasn’t saying much.  My mom just sort of cried on the phone for a while, before my dad came on the line and asked me what the problem was.  I didn’t want to tell him about the fight, that Bray had hit me, so I just told him it was a lot of things...that Braeden needed more help than I could give him.  I think he could sense what Braeden was going through just by the tone of my voice.  He asked to talk to Bray after that.  Their conversation was long.  At one point, Braeden had to take it in the other room.  He never told me what they talked about that day, all I know is that after he got off...he seemed to be a little bit more at peace with himself.

I think he might have told my father what really happened, and I think my father might just have forgiven him for his mistakes.  

I called Charlene a couple of days later, figuring she would want to come out, maybe spend some time with us, and fly back to the city with me when the time came.

But...she was anything but supportive.  It shocked me, so much.  We’d made up, we were close again, and then it was like...I was the bad person.  I was ‘doing it to Braeden.’  She was just like Barbara, not wanting to accept the truth that we weren’t in a healthy relationship.

“How can you leave him?” She asked me.  “After all of this? He came home...he...he went through hell,” he cried.  “You married him! You gave him the rest of your life, and you’re supposed to understand that he’s going through hell, Abbey!  You don’t give a fuck do you? About anyone but yourself!”

“You don’t understand.”

“I understand that you’re a fucking quitter.  You’ve changed Abbey.  Everybody knows that, except you.”

I hung up on her.

We haven’t talked since.  I tried to call her when I got back to Manhattan, but her number was disconnected.

It told me she was done with me.

Justin was kind enough to let me send all my belongings to his place before I flew back to the city, and a week and a half later, I realized that everything I wanted to take was out of the house.  Barbara hadn’t been around that morning I left.  She went to the store to ‘get Braeden things he needed because I wasn’t going to be around’.  Needless to say, we were more than thankful for her absence...because that morning, was going to be the hardest one.  

“When’s your flight?”

“Two.”

It was silent for a long time.  He turned the TV on and I stared at it mindlessly as he flipped through the channels.  “Bray.”

He looked at me.  His eyes were tired.  I knew he was emotionally worn out, and when I left, he was going to have a lot more to deal with by himself.  He’d still been having night terrors of course, but...I didn’t get up with him.  I knew Barbara did though.  I slept in a separate bedroom down the hall, and could hear him crying out in the middle of the night.  But I couldn’t...I couldn’t let myself walk down the hall to comfort him.  I knew if I did that, I would want to stay, only to wind up in the same crappy relationship we’d been in for too long.  

It killed me.

I knew it was killing him too.

“I need to know that you’re going to be okay.”

He forced a small smile for me.  “I can handle it, Babs.”

He was lying to me and I knew that.  He wanted me to leave with the reassurance that he could handle everything life had thrown at him so far, but he’d been through so much pain that anybody would have been able to see right through his lies.  “Is...is there anyone you can stay with?”

“My mom is staying,” he told me.  “For now at least.”

“Great.”

“I’ll figure it out.”  He leaned back against the sofa.  “This...this isn’t your life anymore, Abbey.”

“Maybe...”

“No.”  He rubbed his thighs harshly and stood up.  “It’s time, Ab.  It’s time for you to go.”

“It’s...it’s still early.”  I felt the tears creeping down my face.  “I can stay a little while longer.”

“You can’t.”

I knew he was right.

He drove me to the airport as soon as Barbara came back from her shopping, not allowing her to tear into me before I left.  I didn’t say goodbye to her, just went out to the car as she stood in the doorway, glaring at me.  Braeden drove me to the airport, his face red, the tears pouring out of his eyes the whole time.  I knew it was the only opportunity he was going to have to cry openly before he had to go back to his mother.  He was too strong willed to cry in front of her.

I was so scared for him.

“You’ll call me when you get in, right?” He asked, after I had checked in for my flight.  We were standing at the security checkpoint, like we had so many times before...

The difference was, we were saying goodbye for the last time ever.

I was losing him again, all over again, and somehow, it just didn’t seem fair.  Even though I knew I would talk to him on the phone, I knew those conversations would be few and far between.  The point of getting divorced was so we could both create new, different, better lives for ourselves.  If we talked everyday, it...it wouldn’t help us.  I knew I was going to have to back off of him, let him get the help he needed, and hopefully...it would allow him move past the horrors he’d lived through.  “Yeah.  I will.”

He held my face in his hands, and smoothed his thumbs over my cheeks, clenching his jaw, trying his best not to start sobbing in front of me.  “If...if you need me, for anything...you know you can call me.”

I nodded, but I couldn’t speak.  I knew I would break down if I did.

“I love you,” he whispered as he pulled me closer to him.  

“I love you too.”  I wrapped my arms around him after that, and we held each other for the longest time, trying to keep each other close as long as we could, before I had to leave.  

“Be safe.”

It was the last thing he said to me, before he walked out of the airport terminal.

I haven’t spoken to him since.

It’s been four months. I try not to think about how he’s doing, or the type of people he’s involved with now.  It’s his life...not mine.

It’s been hard, accepting that.

“So I met this guy last weekend,” Shawna twirls a strange of hair around her finger, and  her eyes and smile grow wider as she says the words. It’s something she’s infamous for when she has the hots for some guy she met.  “He’s this really important executive.”

I think she meets a different “really important executive” every weekend.

Lucky for me, I’m not part of the bar/club scene.  I have too many distractions like, work,  the boys, and keeping my sanity.  Shawna doesn’t know much about me though.  She doesn’t know that I was married, or...that I used to consider Justin Timberlake my boyfriend.  I promised myself I wouldn’t share my life with other people when I took this job.  That’s how you get hurt, and betrayed, so I keep to myself.  She knows about the boys, of course.  It would be hard for her not to, since their pictures are all over my desk and plastered onto my section of the wall.  I don’t tell her who they really are, though.  I made up some bullshit that they’re my nephews and I’ve warned them both not to tell her differently.  Quincy drops them off at my office every other Friday.  That’s the plan Justin worked out with me.  The boys stay with me from Friday night to Sunday afternoon every other week, and Justin gets them the rest of the time.  Of course...if I want to see them outside of our regular time, all I have to do is show up.  I’m always welcome at the Timberlake’s.

Hell, I even have a key.

I do end up there too, three or four nights a week.  I try not to, but I usually end up falling asleep on his sofa, with Austin and Davey curled up against me.  I’ll wake up the next morning to the sound of an alarm clock that’s been set for me, finding that I’ve been carried into one of his many guest rooms.  He never says a thing to me about it either.  He just lets it go on.  

I know it’s not the best thing for him.

He just...loves me too much to tell me to stop, to go home.

We’re still not together.  

Moving back here was a huge adjustment, and yeah, Justin was a big help.  He let me stay with him for a couple of weeks until we found an apartment for me that, ‘met his expectations’, and soon after I was settled there, he used his power and influence to get me a great job with one of the most prominent marketing firms in the city.  But...I just couldn’t seem to concentrate on getting back into a relationship with him once all of that fell into place.  There was so much on my mind, so much I was still trying to work through, like settling things with my family, and getting my divorced finalized.  I knew it would hurt Justin more if I was with him and couldn’t focus on our relationship.

“And he’s so-oo handsome, in like...a rugged sort of way,” she continues with a giggle.

“Okay,” I snicker as I continue to flip through the graphics book on my desk.  “So what, you’re marrying the guy?”

“Abbey.”  

I laugh out loud.

“C’mon, I need somebody to partner up with for a date tonight.  He said he has a single friend that needs to get out more, and the only time they’re both free is tonight.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t have to be a double date.”  I roll my eyes.  “C’mon, focus...don’t you like this one for the billboard?” I hold up the graphic for her to look at.  “Betty wants our pick and a reason why by the end of the day, Shawna.”

“It does have to be,” she whines, ignoring the work I’ve thrust in her face.  “He said the only way he’d take me out was if I set his friend up with one of mine.  Please, Ab.  Plea-ase do this for me.  I swear, I’ll owe you the biggest favor of my lifetime.”

“Last time I checked we weren’t that close,” I scoff.  “Besides, rich guys aren’t always the best choice.”

I mean, I would know.

“But he’s so-oo cute, Ab.”

“It’s my weekend with the boys.”  I hold the graphic up in her face again.  “C’mon, help me pick.”r32;

She pushes the book aside and narrows her eyes at me.  “I think your sister can do without your babysitting skills for one Friday night.  You can hang out with your nephews tomorrow.”

The truth is, if I called up Justin and told him I had something to do tonight, not only would he die of shock, but I know he would tell me to go out and have fun.  He knows I never do, that my life has become solely about work and being with the boys.  It could be fun too...going out tonight.  Even though she can be slightly annoying at times, I know that I’ve grown close to her in the few months I’ve been with the firm.  We never do things together outside of the office, but I can tell Shawna is the life of the party outside of this place.  She’s bubbly and funny...reminds me of Charlene a little, and since...since everything about that friendship is more than complicated at the moment, I know it would make me feel good to have a friend in my life...if only for an evening .  The only thing is, I don’t want to have to bullshit my way through a date that I already know I won’t enjoy being on.  It won’t be fair to this guy.  Not when my mind will be elsewhere.

“I really don’t want to.”

“But you will because you love me.” Shawna smiles and slides my cell phone closer to my hand.  “C’mon, call your sister.  I mean, you never know...this guy could sweep you off your feet.”

I glance at her.  “I don’t get swept off my feet.  Not anymore.”

“You know, you really need to get laid.”

I close my eyes and sigh.  I hate that she’s right.  “Shawna...”r32;

“Look, I get that you’re private and everything.  But, whoever the guy is that made you so...warped, he shouldn’t matter.  I mean, what are you going to do? Be miserable forever?”

Why am I giving in? I mean, am I desperate? Is what she just told me hitting me that hard? I shouldn’t care about relationships because I’m not ready for one but...I mean, she’s telling me all of this and it’s just making me think about how fucking lonely I am.  I have the boys but...those are the only people I seem to spend time with.  I see Justin, but we don’t hang out by ourselves.  I know it would be too awkward for him.  When I’m over his house, we’ll have dinner with the boys, but then he’ll go talk on his phone or go work in his study.  

I guess maybe...I should make an attempt at this having a life thing.

If I don’t, I could turn into more of a mess than I already am.

“I don’t know why you have this effect on me.”  I pull up Justin’s work number and get up from my desk.

“Yes!” She squeals.  “Seriously girl, you won’t regret this.  You can come back to my place and we’ll get ready together.  I’ll make you look dead sexy.”

I just roll my eyes, but allow the smirk to escape me.  “I’m sure.”

I walk away from our desk and down the hall to the bathrooms, shutting myself in a stall and making sure I’m completely alone before I make the call.

“Justin Timberlake’s office, this is Cheryl.”

“Hi, Cheryl,” I sigh and run a hand through my hair.  “Is Justin available?”

“Oh Abbey...how are you?”

r32;She says it with such sympathy in her voice.  While she’s not really involved in Justin’s personal life, I know she always liked me, and knows I’m partially responsible for his attitude change over the last year or so.  “I’m okay, and you?”r32;

“Very well.  I think he just got off the line, so I’ll put you through.  Take care.”

“You too.”

It rings twice.

“Timberlake.”

I love hearing his voice, even now, when it’s so serious because he’s in the middle of twelve different projects at once.  “Hey.”

“Oh...”  His voice lightens.  “Hey Ab.”

“Did I get you at a bad time?”r32;

“No...no, just...one second okay? One second...”

He’s dropping too many things for me right now.  I hate it.  I hate how he’ll scramble for me, rearrange his entire day just so he can talk to me for a few minutes.  I know...I know how he feels, and it’s terrible that he holds it all back from me.  He does it for me, so I won’t get upset, tell him he’s pressuring me.  He fucked up so bad in the past with me and he still feels he has to pay for it.

I wish he didn’t try so hard.

I listen for a while.  I can tell his hand is over the mouthpiece, trying to prevent me from hearing what’s going on, but he’s failing.  I hear a bunch of people in the background, talking to him about ‘this buy in’ and ‘that trade’.  It sounds like he’s yelling at them.  Yelling at them all to get out of his office.

“You still there?”  His voice comes back on the line, breathlessly.

“Yeah...Justin, if you’re busy I can call you back.”r32;

“I’m not busy,” he blurts out.  “What’s up.  How are you?”

He has that hope that I’m going to say “let’s go to dinner.” Just like every time I call.

I hate to let him down...again.

“I’m okay.  I wanted to talk to you about tonight.”

“Oh...the boys right?  It’s your weekend.”

It wasn’t what he was expecting.

“Yeah I...I kind of found something to do tonight.  I was going to ask if I could take them tomorrow instead.”

“Really?” He laughs.  “I have plans too, but that’s fine.  I can have Beth watch them.”

“I don’t want to mess up anything.  I can just cancel.”

“No, you’re not messing anything up,” he says simply.  “Beth has to watch Kristy anyway.  Trace is getting me out of the house for once.”

“Oh...wow,” I say, surprised.  I know he’s like me, doesn’t go out much, unless it’s for the boys or a business affair.  “How’d he pull that off?”

“I owe him a favor or two.”

I try to laugh, but it sounds so forced that I stop.  “Well, I hope you have a good time.”

“You know,” he says softly after a moment.  “I could always...cancel.  We could go to dinner or something.  Talk, maybe?”

“Justin.  I...you know how it is.”

“Yeah.  Dumb idea.”

I feel like shit.  “It’s not dumb it’s...”

“So I’ll see you tomorrow,” he speaks over me, obviously not wanting to hear my explanation.  “Maybe noonish? Just in case I get in late, okay?”

“Yeah,” I say, sheepishly.  

“Great.”

He hangs up.  I cry for a few moments, before I force myself to get it together.

 “So did she have a conniption?” Shawna asks me when I get back to my desk.  

"No." I rub my forehead with my hands, trying not to let the fact that I feel like a complete ass show.  “It’s fine.”

“Awesome.  Think Betty will let us out early?”

I just shrug.  She doesn’t seem to notice.  She’s too busy rambling on and on about her hot date and what she thinks she’ll wear.  I should be excited to get out and do something different on a Friday night for once.  But all I can do is focus on Justin’s let down voice when I told him I wouldn’t go to dinner with him, and the clicking sound of him hanging up on me.  Why couldn’t I say yes? Why wouldn’t I want to spend a night out with him?

I guess I’m just so afraid that I’ll get hurt, that something will go wrong that will make me leave or make him leave.  I don’t want to go through it again.  I don't want Justin or the boys to go through it either.  I just...love them all too much.

He’s better off without me.  He’s better off going out with Trace and meeting knew people.  I hope he does.  I hope he meets a better woman tonight, a woman that’s better than me.  

I hope he finds a reason to forget all about the relationship we used to have, once and for all, so I can too.