June

“When’re they gonna call the flight? When! When!”

Austin turned fourteen this year, and in the fall, he’ll be starting his first year of high school.   But right now, you’d never know it.  Right now, he’s acting like he’s about five years old.

It annoys me, but I understand.  Maybe it’s not him that’s annoying me so much.  It could just be the situation...or more specifically, where we’re going.  Yeah.  Must be.

“Calm down,” Abbey laughs and hands him a Capri Sun out of her purse.  “In a few minutes.”

“Abbey will you come see where we used to live?” Davey asks.  “I want to show you!”

“If you want, baby boy.”

I feel her give me a reassuring rub on the thigh, but I don’t look up from my computer.  Abbey gets why I’m so serious though.  She knows I’m terrified of this trip.  I mean, anything could happen, but I know if I don’t go, I could put the future of my foundation at risk, because I promised to make an appearance at a couple of schools while I’m there.  The donators already don’t like that I’m stepping down from Goldman.  Most of them invest with us, and told me they’re considering going to a different firm when I leave.  I’ve pleaded with them to wait, told them I have somebody lined up to take my place that will do an even better job than I’ve done.

I know that’s could be a lie, but...I don’t want the firm to go downhill just because I’m leaving.

My foundation isn’t the main reason I’m going back to Memphis though.  This trip is more for the boys and for Abbey and I, but I figured it would only be fair to handle some business while I’m in town.

Because after this, I doubt I’ll be back...ever.

It was shortly after Abbey got out of the hospital that the subject about adopting the boys came up...

Oh, did I mention I’m going to be a father?

Yeah, I know, I’m fucking excited too.

We were laying in bed, holding each other in a naked embrace after a few rounds of love making that I didn’t want to end.  I knew her pregnancy was going to complicate our sex life eventually, so I figured the more we could get in before she popped, the better.  Abbey told me I was a freak, but I pointed out that she was too.  Then she laughed, and was quiet for a while.

“Babe.”

I kissed her.  “Hm?”

“When you moved the boys out here, did you adopt them?”

I stared at her for a moment.  It was weird to think about it, because I never had before.  The court had handed custody of the boys over to me, and after that, I never thought about it again.  “No, I just have legal custody.  That’s all it’s ever been.”

“Did you ever think about taking that step?”

I smirked a little.  It was no secret that her pregnancy had caused my sentimental side to shine through more than usual.  I mean, it was great.  I was going to have a baby, and...with her.  With the love of my life.  The old me would have been scared shitless, ran for the hills, but Abbey had changed me.  Abbey made me want to start a family with her, and I was thrilled...even more so because it meant we could push the wedding up.  We both agreed that we couldn’t wait a year to get married if a baby was coming.  We would need to find a proper house, get settled in, and my plans to start my own business would have to be put into effect before the baby came, because I didn’t know how much time personal time we would need after the birth happened.

The last thing I wanted to do was run a brand new business into the ground.

We’re getting married in August.  Our wedding coordinator wanted to kill me when I told her, I could tell, but she’s still managing to get everything set up the way we want it in time for the big day.  I mean, I gave her six months, so she better.  She’s the highest paid wedding coordinator in the city and if she screws up, we both know her reputation will go right down the crapper.

“I...I never thought about it,” I said.  “I don’t have their birth certificates.  I left Memphis in a hurry and the family never sent me anything besides their social security cards.  I guess I would need them.  Mac would probably know.”

“I was thinking maybe...we could adopt them.  You know, before the baby comes.”

I raised an eyebrow.  “Like, you and me together?”r32;

“No, the other ‘we.’”

I glared at her playfully.  “Nerd.”

“What would it take?” She caressed my face gently and smiled.  “A lot?”

I shrugged.  I knew it wouldn’t be too difficult.  It was just the matter of getting a judge to sign off on some paperwork...

And getting the right documents from Kimberly.

I cringed at the thought of seeing her again.  The bitch that I had to pay off, just so she would butt out of our lives.  I wondered what she was doing with the million I gave her.  Did she spend it all in the matter of a few months? Or had she put it into something, invested it? Either way, I was sure she was still telling everybody what a fucking asshole her oldest nephew was.  I didn’t want face it.  Any of it...

But Abbey wanted us to adopt my brothers, and I knew that it was the right thing to do. We were getting married, and by November, we would have a baby of our own.  I knew she was thinking about them, that she wanted to make them her children along with the baby.  It made me love her even more than I already did.  

“We’d have to go to Memphis,” I told her, the hesitation in my voice apparent.

“Oh.”  Her smile faded.

She knew it was a difficult request, asking me to go there and complete our family.  I’m sure she thought I was going to say no.  But the thing about it was...I couldn’t say no.  I didn’t want the boys to grow up, graduate high school, without having a proper family.  While I would always be their brother even if I did adopt them, I knew that Abbey was different.  Abbey could be their mother.  Hell, she already was in my book.

But I knew she wanted to be, officially.

“We can go.  I...I’ll do it.  This is important.  I know it is.  I don’t want our kid growing up questioning everything.”

“If you’re uncomfortable...”

I shook my head, and silenced her with a kiss.  “We’re doing this.  I can’t be a coward.  I have to face...going home.  I have to deal with what happened to my parents.  I brushed it off too fast when it happened.  Maybe it’ll be easier this time around...maybe I can come to terms with some things, you know?”

She squeezed my hand and smiled softly.  “I’ll get you through it, J.”

“I know you will.”

A week went by.  I contacted Mac about what it would take to get the boys adopted, and he agreed that I should make the trip down to Memphis to sort out the papers with my aunt.  He offered to accompany me, but I turned him down.  I thought it would be awkward having him there, and I didn’t want Kimberly to be any more of a bitch to Abbey and I than I already knew she would be, so he told me to call him when I was ready to deal with the courts.  I had Cheryl book the trip soon after I got off the phone with him, and called Abbey to tell her the news.

She was ecstatic.

I’ve been trying to be ever since.  

Trace tells me he thinks I’m doing the right thing.  I’ve never been more thankful to call him my best friend.  He was there for Abbey that day when I couldn’t be and it proved that he was over his issues with our relationship.  It terrifies me to think what could have happened if she fainted alone in the house.  The doctors told me later that Abbey hadn’t been eating or drinking nearly enough because she’d been unaware of her pregnancy, and that she would have to watch her diet for the next nine months.  I’ve been keeping a chart in the house for her.  We write down what she eats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and make sure the number of calories match what the doctor suggested for her.  She thinks it’s silly of course, but I’m not about to take a chance.

Abbey had her first ultrasound a few days after I booked our trip to Memphis.  I think I had more questions about what was going on than Abbey did.  She’s so easy, she just went with the flow like everything was completely cool, while I questioned ‘what the gel on her stomach was’ or ‘hey, what are you sticking up there?’.  The doctor laughed, reassured me that everything was fine, and told Abbey that it was usually the men who flipped out the most.

But I wasn’t flipping out I was just...curious, and worried about my baby and my fiance.

The moment I heard that little heart beat though, all of my questions stopped, and for a few moments at least, I was able to stop worrying so much.

It was beautiful, like music to my ears.  I found myself not being able to suppress an overly wide smile as I looked into Abbey’s eyes and held her hands.  There were tears in her eyes, and she was laughing.  Then the doctor turned on the screen and showed us what the baby looked like.  It was a little more than a blurry dot, but we could see where the head and hands were.  I couldn’t believe that we’d created something so beautiful together and I didn’t hesitate to kiss Abbey on the forehead then, telling her that I loved her.

The doctor printed us a picture of the baby, told us our due date was going to be right around Thanksgiving, and that if we wanted to find out the sex of the baby, we could ask at the next ultrasound.

It’s next week, and we’ve decided that we want to know what we’re having.

Abbey is excited.  I’m just...nervous.  I feel like I’ve been in a bubble ever since March.  The baby has seemed real but not...that real.  Knowing the sex of the baby will make it final.  We’ll be able to design the nursery appropriately, once I find us a house, and Abbey will start picking out clothes and things.  It’s crazy.  I mean, I’m going to be holding that little baby in my arms in just a few months.  One day, it will talk, call me daddy, and depend on me for everything.  Of course I have the boys, and know what it’s like to have kids look up to me right now but...

But I guess it’s just different, because this is my own flesh and blood on the way.  I want to be better than my parents were with me, and I know I have the resources but...it’s more than just about money.  I want to be a good dad, teach my kid everything, make sure he or she does well in school, so he or she can be successful in life.  

I’ll never leave him or her in the dust.  I’ll always be there, and it makes me feel even better about giving up Goldman. I’ll never have to miss an important event in it’s life, and Abbey can count on me, the boys can...more than they ever have before.

She’s been pregnant since the middle of February, according to the doctor, and I’m not sure, but I think that Valentines stay at the Four Seasons was probably the culprit behind this.  We’re at month five now, and it’s been a few weeks since we’ve done anything other than kiss and touch.  She tells me that she feels weird trying to have sex, and I have to admit I do too, but...it’s hard...not having it, since I haven’t stopped wanting her at the same time.  Being pregnant has taken it’s toll on Abbey emotionally though, I can’t deny that, and so I don’t push the issue.  The first couple of months were all about her throwing up in the mornings, and dealing with cramps that she couldn’t do anything about.  Now it’s the emotional stage, or so I’ve read online.  She sobbed into my chest the day she had to start wearing her maternity clothes, freaking out because she didn’t think I’d find her attractive anymore.  I told her she was insane...

She’s beautiful pregnant.  

She’s fully popped now.  It’s amazing how fast she went from a flat stomach to a bulging one, in the matter of a couple of weeks.  Her chest has...expanded too, and having bigger things to play with...has kind of substituted for our lack of a sex life.  I like to grab her breasts, and she whines and tells me that they’re sore.  It’s fun to touch them.  They’re sort of hard, because of the milk that’s being stored inside of them.  I feel like a curious little boy at times, exploring her body.  I rub her belly while we sit on the couch together, or while we lay in bed at night, tell her it’s good luck.  She thinks I’m a weirdo and asks me to please not refer to our child as my ‘rabbits foot,’ as I’ve so affectionally nicknamed it for now.

Recently, it’s started to kick.  Abbey freaks out and calls me over every time it happens, and pulls my hand down to feel her baby bump.  It’s amazing to feel it moving around inside of her.  If the boys are around we have them feel it too.  Davey is really curious about it, but Austin is kind of weird about it.  I don’t think he knows how he should feel about this.  He hates change.  Abbey thinks he feels like he’s going to lose her attention, but I know that’s not the case and so does she.  I guess...he had such a hard time trying to get his own parents attention away from Davey, he expects to have to put up with the same thing when the baby comes.  I try to talk to him about it too, but he never wants to, and I know it’s his way of dealing with his feelings...

Just like me.

I’ve tried to sit down with the two of them and explain what’s going to be happening. Austin knows all too well though.  He experienced our mothers pregnancy with Davey, and he’s old enough that he understands how babies are made. But Davey is just clueless.  He doesn’t get how a baby wound up in Abbey’s stomach, but he’s ten now, and I guess I’m going to have to have that talk with him sooner rather than later.  At least, that’s what Abbey thinks.  I don’t know though.  I’m terrible at that crap.  I’ll probably stutter and he won’t have a clue what I’m talking about in the end.

I’m going to put off that conversation as long as I can.  There’s so much going on though, that I know Abbey will lay off me about it for the time being.

“Attention passengers.  At this time United Airlines flight 1062 to Memphis would like to start boarding it’s First Class and Elite rewards members...”

“Yes!” Austin jumps out of his seat and raises his arms in the air.

Abbey glances at me.  I just laugh and shake my head.  There’s no turning back now.  Kimberly is expecting us.  I called her about a week ago.  I thought she was going to drop dead when she realized it was me.  She didn’t yell...I didn’t either, and it was weird.  It was like a sort of peace had come over us, we were able to talk civilly, and I told her about Abbey, how we were getting married and having a baby, and that I needed to get some documents from her, so we could legally adopt the boys.

She didn’t say much.  She just said she’d like to meet her.

It was a good start but, I’m still so uneasy about it.

“Come on!” Austin tugs on my arm.  “C’mon!”

“I’m coming...” I tug my arm away.  “Just calm down, damn.”

He grins and races ahead to the entrance way.  I feel Abbey grasp my hand, as Davey runs along after his brother.  

“He’s excited.  Let him be.  It’s the first time he’s smiled in weeks,” Abbey explains.  “You know how confused he is about the baby.”

I shrug a little.  “The last time I saw my aunt, I was cramming the boys into the car.  She barely got to say goodbye.”

“But you’ve changed since then.”

We stop a few feet from the doorway, and she grasps my hands in hers as she gives me a gentle kiss on the lips.  

“I...I don’t know how...to talk to her,” I confess.

“You will,” she nods.  “Justin...you dont’ say it, but I know...I know you want to have a relationship with this woman.”

I’m silent.  I’ve never admitted that to myself.  I’ve been too focused on pushing her from my memory.

Now, more than ever, I realize that I paid her off to push her away.  What if I hadn’t? What if I tried to work something out?  Maybe I would be able to have a family member at my wedding.  Maybe...I would be able to remember my parents more than I do now.  

But I just...I don’t know if I can do this.

I’m not that strong.  I don’t want to relive it.  I don’t want to be reminded of my parents, that they had their flaws but they were good people...and I threw away my relationship with them, simply because I was arrogant, and bitter.  “Will you help me, Abbey?”

“I always have.”

She smiles at me, and I kiss her.  Then she pulls me by the hands, and we follow my brothers onto the plane.  I’m going back, back to everything I thought I’d left behind for good.  I don’t know what’s going to happen or how Austin and Davey will react to being back.

All I know is that Abbey is here, with me, and she’s going to get me through this, no matter the outcome.  She’s so damn strong, even now, pregnant and all.  Stronger than I think I could ever be.

I’d never admit it, because it’s cheesy as hell, but...she really is my hero.

And I can’t wait to marry her.