A chauffeur was waiting for us at the baggage claim, a large sign reading TIMBERLAKE in his hands.  Most people would think it was special and exciting, only because it’s something they’re not used to.  But I’m used to this.  I’m used to a lot of things that I never thought I would be, and when my baby comes, it will be born into this lifestyle.  It will know nothing about being poor, or watching it’s family struggle to put food on the table, like Justin did when he was young.  A big part of me is thankful, but the other part is slightly concerned.  I don’t want this child to turn into a spoiled brat, but then again, with me for a mother, I know that will be next to impossible.  If I’m as strict with this child as I am with the boys, it will be more grounded than most of the children it will attend school with.  

The limousine passed through lush suburban parts of Memphis at first, filled with large houses and clean, quaint neighborhoods.  It had a down home feeling, and for a while, I liked being in town.  Then, the surroundings seemed to change in the blink of an eye.  Everything started to get gritty, dumpy, and impoverished looking.  Justin would barely look out the window, and when the boys began to get excited, I knew we were close to their old neighborhood.  It was a world away from their life back in the city, and I could tell that just being in the neighborhood was making him remember things he desperately wanted to forget.

“Is it this one, sir?”

Justin didn’t acknowledge the driver.  He was staring out into space, seemingly deep in thought.  I knew he was nervous, that he didn’t want to be there, but I was determined to be strong for him, and get him to accept why we were here and what we had to do for the good of the boys.  “Justin.”  I rubbed his thigh.

He lowered his sunglasses over his eyes and seemed to snap out of it.  “Yeah,” he rasped.  “The yellow one on the corner.”

The driver pulled into the driveway and I knew we’d finally arrived at Aunt Kimberly’s house.  Austin was tugging on the door handle before the limo came to a stop, desperate to get out.  Thankfully, I’d put the child locks on before we even got into the car.  I didn’t want the boys running off, because I didn’t know the area well enough, and knew Justin would be annoyed if we lost track of the boys ten minutes into our trip.  “You have to calm down, Austin,” I whispered to him.  “You’re going to get Davey all wound up.”

Davey bounced in his seat, and I knew that he was already wild, and would stay that way, regardless of Austin’s example.  “When can we get out!”

Austin groaned and leaned back harshly in his seat.  “I want to get out!  This sucks!  I’m not a baby!”

“Shut up and listen to Abbey,” Justin grunted at him.  “And you better behave in Aunt Kimberly’s house.  Don’t ask her for things, and try to pretend that you’re happier than you’ve ever been, so she doesn’t start questioning me.  Got it?”

He glared Justin, but was silent after that.

It made me roll my eyes.  I knew Justin was bickering with him because he was nervous, but I didn’t like it.  My pregnancy had started to change Austin.  Well, that and the fact that he was turning into a teenager too.  His hormones were raging, and his mood swings were something we all experienced on a daily basis.  I knew he was having a hard time with puberty, and I wished that Justin could have sat down with him and talked about it but...deep down, I knew Austin wouldn’t want to.  He’s like that...he pushes people away when they try to get too deep down inside of him.  Justin used to be that way too.  Hell, he still is, except when it comes to me.  He can talk to me about anything.

I guess that’s all that should really matter.

Austin will come around, eventually.  

For now, I need to focus on this little something growing inside of my body.

That day in the hospital, I was happy of course, but I was terrified at the same time.  I didn’t know what to expect, and I wasn’t sure if was going to be able to raise a baby when I wasn’t prepared to have one.  The person I needed the most was my mother, but I...I was scared shitless of telling her the news.  We hadn’t spoken since I told my parents about my engagement to Justin.  Hannah kept me updated about what was going on of course, but just barely.  We talked once a month if we were lucky, and I knew that confiding in her about the pregnancy was a bad idea.  She’d only run and tell my parents, and they in turn, would flip the hell out.

I’m five months into this.

They still dont know a thing.  

Justin knows that too, and he says that I need to tell them before the wedding, that it’s wrong to keep it from them.  I know he’s right but...I still haven’t been able to do it.  Once we get back home though, I’m sure Justin will help me make that call.

I can’t wait...

Being pregnant is a lot different from how I originally thought it would be.  I was really sick for the first couple of months.  The morning sickness and cramping was horrible, but when I crossed over into the fourth month, I started to feel slightly better...only, I was an emotional mess.  My belly had started to expand, and I could no longer fit into all the cute clothes that Justin loved to see me in.  I broke down one morning while he was getting ready for work, staggered out of our bathroom with my jeans half on, sobbing because I felt like a beast, and I told him that too.

“Abbey...” He laughed gently, his shirt hanging off of him because I’d interrupted him as he was yanking it on.  “You’re not a beast.”

“Yes I am.  My clothes don’t fit anymore.”

“That’s why they make maternity clothes.  Remember that shopping trip you went on with Shawna?  I thought you said you got some cute stuff.”

“I don’t want to wear them.  I want to be normal again!”

I sounded like Austin when he didn’t get his way.

“You look sexy as hell with that belly.”  He kissed my forehead and cupped my chin in his hand, as the smile grew wider on his face.  “I love it.  I love why you’re this way.  I want my baby, Ab.  It...it makes you more beautiful to me, seeing you this way.  Now come on, stop crying.  I can’t be a sap all day.  People might think I have a weak spot, and that’s a no no in my line of work.”

I did my best to stop crying, and he gently wiped the tears off my face, kissed me, and told me he loved me more than anything.  

I knew he didn’t care what I looked like then.  He loved me like I was, and I felt slightly better about myself after that.  He doesn’t know it, but without his encouragement, I probably would have shut myself away from the world for the duration of my pregnancy.  

I’ve learned to cope with my baby bump, try to tell myself that it makes me look cute every chance I can.  The thought of why I have the bump keeps me going, and I’ve come to love the fact that I have our baby growing inside of me.  It’s filled me up with an indescribable joy that I’m sure only pregnant mothers know about.  It’s a very active baby, always moving around.  I can feel a sort of “swooshing” inside of me several times a day, which my OBGYN tells me is normal.  She told me that the baby will sometimes do flips and somersaults while in the womb, that they play in there, just like a normal child would play on the outside.  It figures that my baby would be this playful.  It’s Justin’s baby too, and that means it most likely has inherited his lust for life.  I’m sure this baby is itching to get out and start living, and the more time passes, the more active it’s becoming.  It kicks constantly now.  It’s an amazing feeling, and I try to get Justin to feel it along with me whenever possible.

His eyes fill with magic every time he presses his hand to my belly, and he smiles, like he’s never loved something so much in his life.

I know he’s just as excited about being a father, as I am about being a mom.  That’s saying so much about his personality, about how much he’s changed. He’s done a complete 180.  Two years ago he was miserable, cold hearted, and completely obsessed with money.  If he’d gotten his girlfriend pregnant then, I hate to think about what choices would have been made.  Now, he’s just obsessed with me, the baby, and the boys.  

I love him for trying, for changing, for sacrificing himself for me.  In turn, I’ll do anything for him, and right now, I know he needs me to be here for him more than ever.  Right now, I have to be the strong one.

Because he’s on the verge of a breakdown.

The house is simple, very tiny inside.  It’s one floor, has one bathroom, two small bedrooms, a kitchen, and a living room.  Justin told me an hour into our visit that he’s checking us into a hotel for the night, because there was no way he was sharing a bed with the boys and my pregnant self.  I can’t say I blame him.  That would be one crowded bed, and one bathroom isn’t going to work for me, considering I have to pee every fifteen minutes.

“...and tomorrow, maybe we can go to O’Sullivans,” Austin says to her, a pleading gaze in his eyes, as he watches her pour some water into a glass.  “Right, Auntie Kim?  I can sleep over too.”

I glance at Justin slightly.

He’s scowling.  He hates this.

She’s in her forties, and has the grey in her dirty blond hair to prove it.  She’s a little taller than me, but heavy set.  She has those eyes though.  The same one’s as Justin and Davey, and I know their mother must have had them too...that they inherited them from her side.  The moment she stepped out onto her front porch, I knew this visit wasn’t going to be easy for Justin.  The boys were able to get out of the car, and...Austin ran to her.  He ran to her like she was his mother back from the dead, hugged her and cried into her so hard that I didn’t know what to make of the situation.  Davey hung back with us, and squeezed my hand tightly, obviously overwhelmed.  I knew his life had changed significantly and he wasn’t attached to his aunt any longer.  He depended on Justin and I for everything, and that was the way things should have been.

But Austin wasn’t going to give that part of his life up.  It was something I knew we would have to accept but I also knew that Justin wasn’t going to like it.  He’d changed himself to make Austin’s life better and in that moment, it seemed none of his efforts made the slightest difference.

The truth was, Austin loved being in Memphis.  I think I knew how much he missed it from the time he freaked because his Halloween costume wasn’t true to his hometown.  There was no denying...it was just a part of him, and would always be.  

It hit me that I didn’t know my Austin as well as I thought, and that hurt.  It hurt that I would never be able to hold a candle to Memphis and his Aunt.

I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough to adopt him, and the feeling has stayed with me all day.

“I’m not sure about that yet, darlin,’” Kimberly laughs gently as she slides the water over to Justin.  “Let’s see how the day goes, okay?”  She strokes his face gently.

“Kay.”  Austin smiles brightly and digs into his large piece of chocolate pecan pie.

“Well.”  She forces a smile as she takes her seat again, her eyes landing on me for a short moment before she looks back at Justin again.  “How was the flight?”

It’s small talk.  She’s been trying to make conversation since we sat down at the table together, but it’s been hard.  Justin hasn’t spoken much at all, except to ask her about the birth certificates.  She has them in her safe deposit box at the bank, and because it’s after three, we can’t retrieve them until tomorrow.  Justin forced a smile at the news, but I knew it pissed him off.  Hell, it pissed me off a little bit too.  She knew we were coming, why couldn’t she have gotten them before the bank closed?

It tells me she’s hanging onto the boys as hard as she can, and I’m praying so hard that she doesn’t try to make things more difficult for us.  The last thing we need is another problem.  We’ve been through too many, and now we’re trying to be happy.  I hope she can sense that, hope she can tell how in love we are, and how much we care about these two kids.

It’s killing him, being here with her.  He told me he doesn’t know how to talk to her, and now I can see that for myself.  She’s his mother’s sister, and I’ve been wondering just how much he’s reminded of his mother, by being around Kim.  It’s something we’ll discuss later tonight, I’m sure, but right now, we’re both sort of paralyzed, being forced to act professional and not give away too much about our private life.  Justin doesn’t trust her, I’m sure of that.

And it’s terrible, but I feel like I can’t trust her either.

“Quick,” I offer.  “No delays.”

Justin gives me a thankful look.

“That’s nice.  I never did like it much, flying.”

It’s deathly quiet.  

“When are you due, dear?”

I look back up at her, and swallow the piece of pie in my mouth before answering her.  “November twenty second.”

She nods and smiles, sending me her approval.  “Do you know what you’re having?”r32;

“We find out next week,” Justin speaks up.

I’m thankful.  

“How exciting.  I can still remember when your mother was pregnant with you, Justin.  Of course, she wasn’t married, and they were poor as church mice,” she laughs, almost in a bitter way.  “I’m glad you have the means necessary to take care of Abbey and the baby.  Your parents would be so proud of the way you’ve stepped up in the world.  God willing, this child will be brought up with some wholesome family values.”

Not a good subject.  It’s too soon.  Justin’s face is red.  He’s not ready.  It’s like...she’s talking down to him.  Talking about his parents like they were a couple of transients.  

I don’t understand her.  

“Excuse me.”  He clears his throat and slides his chair out, before walking out on us.

Davey looks at me for guidance.  He hasn’t said a word in all the time we’ve been sitting here, and I hate that he’s so confused.  I lean down and kiss the top of his head.  “Why don’t you go outside with Justin?” I smile a little.

He nods, and just...does it.

“Austin, you too.”

“No,” he scowls.  “I want to stay here.”

I narrow my eyes at him, and he sinks back into his chair slightly, remembering what that look means.  “Now, Austin.”

He goes.

Now it’s just me and her.

“You sure have them whipped into shape,” she laughs, as she begins to consume her piece of pie.  “I thought I was the only one who could get them to listen.”

I don’t share her amusement.  “Why didn’t you get the birth certificates, Kim?”

She stares at me.

“Why...why did you just talk to Justin like that?”

Again, she just stares at me.

“I mean, damn...he brought me down here to meet you.  He’s trying to make peace with you.  Do you know how hard it was for him to call you and ask for your help with the adoption?  He’s been trying to move past all of this for three years now.”

“We’ve all been trying to move past it,” she says to me bitterly.  “He ripped those boys out of my life.  I had no say in it.  I tried to do something about it, and when I did, he just shoved money at me.  I donated it to the church in his name.  Hopefully, his soul will be saved because of it.”

Wow.

“He knows he should have been more compassionate.  He was a different person then, but...he’s a good man now.  You need to give him a chance.  He...he needs you.”

“Justin doesn’t need me,” she scoffs.  “He never has, and he never will.”

“We’re getting married, and having this baby.  He has no family that can be there to share that joy with him, except for you, and...and you have the fucking nerve...the nerve, to sit here and talk to him like he’s committed some kind of crime.  His parents couldn’t help the way they were...”

“My sister could help how she was, but she didn’t want to.  She got together with that...that idiot, and dug herself a nice big hole she could never seem to climb out of. When she got pregnant with Austin, we forced him to get himself together, get a better job so he could provide for his family and marry her before they ended up with two children born from sin.  Of course...it was a little too late for Justin.  He always seemed to get left behind once the boys were born, and one day...he just up and left.  We were all better off I think.”

“How can you say that?  Why wouldn’t you want to love Justin as much as the boys?”

“He was a bastard,” she sighs.  “He still is.  It’s never been something that was accepted in our family, Abbey.  He was born out of wedlock, and that defied everything our family stood for.  It may not be his fault but...he’ll never be a real part of this family.  I’m just glad that the two of you will be married before you make the same mistake with your own child.”

My mouth drops open.  Seriously? Did she just say that?  “I...I can’t believe you.”  I stand up slowly, and stare at her.  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“It’s God’s will,” she informs me.  “Marriage is a sacred thing, and when a baby is born out of wedlock, it defies everything He created and everything He stands for.  It’s unfortunate for Justin.  He’ll go straight to hell one day.”

This lady is a religious fucking fanatic.  Completely.  I wonder if Justin knows that or not.  I mean, he must, but he was trying to make peace with her for the sake of the baby and the boys.  It’s not happening though.  She’s just too crazy.  “You’re fucking sick.”  

I walk out on her.

Justin is sitting on the porch steps, Davey at his side, cuddled into him.  One of his arms is draped around his little brother, and his free hand is covering his eyes.  I see his body shuddering.  I know he’s sobbing.  This is...this is so bad.  I never counted on this.  I thought we were going to come here, that it might be difficult warming up to her, but that we would make progress. That Justin and Kimberly would start to warm up to each other, and that he would regain a part of his family that he felt he lost so many years ago.

But that’s just...that’s impossible.

I slowly sit down beside him, and watch him cry for a while.  I look around for Austin, but don’t see him.  I don’t get alarmed though.  I know this is his neighborhood, that he knows his way around, and that he’ll come back because everything he wants is right here.  “J.”

“Hm?”  He sniffles and looks over at me, smiling slightly and trying to cover up the fact that he was just crying.  “Hey, baby.”

He kisses me.

“She’s crazy.” I tell him.  “Completely fucking crazy.”

“Glad I’m not the only one who’s been able to figure that out,” he laughs.  “Which speech did she give you? The ‘my sister is a sinner’ or the ‘Justin is a bastard’ one?  She used to preach that shit all the time to my mother and father, but I never understood what it all meant until I was older.”

He knows all about it.  He never told me of course, probably because he didn’t want to get angry in front of me.  “A little of both, actually.”

He laughs bitterly.  “And did you see Austin in there?  It’s like...he’d rather be here, with her crazy ass.”

“He’d be crying for you after a week,” I reassure him.  “Trust me.”

“If she gives us an issue about the papers, it’s going to turn into a big mess.  Mac will have to come out.  I don’t want to put the boys through it.”  He ruffles Davey’s hair as he buries his face in Justin’s lap.  “Davey is freaking out as it is.  We can’t stay here.  He’ll get all catatonic again.”

I look down at the cracked cement for a few moments.  “This is my fault.”

“No.  You...you’re trying to do right by them.  I shouldn’t have trusted this...I should have brought Mac with me from the start.  I guess I just thought...that it would be okay.  That Kimberly would come around on her own.”

“I don’t think anything could get that lady to change,” I laugh.

“It’s how she was raised.  Things are different down here, Ab.”

I nod.

“Let’s find Austin and go to the hotel.”

“All right.”

We find Austin minutes later.  He’s across the street, standing on the front porch of a slightly larger, much more dilapidated brown house.  He’s crying.  I have no clue why.

“Wait here, okay?”

Justin hands Davey off to me, and I nod a little bit, as I watch him slowly make his way up the porch steps.  It takes him a few moments of gently talking to his brother, but Justin finally hugs him, and Austin hugs him back.  I’m not sure what’s going on, or what significance the house holds, all I know is...it means something to them, and right now, Justin is the only one who understands what Austin is going through, mentally.

He’s being so strong, even after that shitty episode with Kimberly, and I hope that Austin realizes how much Justin loves and needs him.

“Abbey.”

I look down at Davey, and force myself to smile at him.  “Yeah, baby boy?”

“Can you be our mom now?”

It makes me sob, and smile a little.  I crouch down to meet his gaze, and find that the tears are rolling down his face.  He’s going through something, something very difficult, and I know what he really needs right now is to be reassured that I’m not going anywhere, ever again.  “I can do that,” I whisper.

He smiles, and then, he lunges into me, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck, and I don’t hesitate to hug him back.  

And even though everything seems hopeless right now, I have a strange feeling inside of me.  One that says all isn’t lost.  That people can change, come to their senses.  Even someone like Kimberly.  I don’t see how it’s possible but...but if Justin could change this much, maybe Kimberly can too.

Only time will tell, and we don’t have much of it.