“Where will you go?”
I cram more stuff into my duffel, trying my best to ignore her. I just want to leave. I’m sick of this, sick of everything.
I don’t belong here anymore.
“Baby, please answer me.”
“Wherever.” I zip the bag closed roughly and sling it over my shoulder, taking in a deep breath before I turn to face her.
My mother is standing in my bedroom doorway, hands shoved into her apron, her eyes filled with an empty, hollow sadness that I’ve only seen when she and daddy are arguing or when Aunt Kimberly pays us a visit.
She doesn’t want me to leave.
But I don’t care.
“What about the rest of your things? Don’t you want them?”
“Toss ‘em.”
I shove past her, and walk downstairs. My father is in his recliner, holding Davey in his arms while he takes his evening bottle. I know I’ll regret leaving my newborn brother behind.
He’ll never know me.
“You leaving then boy?” My father doesn’t look up at me, but he knows I’m there.
“Yeah.”
“You leave this house...” He trails off and adjusts himself in the recliner before finally looking up at me. “You don’t think about bringing yourself back, you hear? You’re on your own.”
“Where ya going! Where ya going Justin?” Austin jumps up from behind the sofa. He likes to play behind there with his toy cars and trucks, pretends it’s a Nascar race or something. He’s five, old enough to remember me when I’m gone.
I’ll miss him most of all.
I can’t say goodbye to him though. If I do, I know he’ll beg me to stay. We’re buds. He loves playing with me. I know he looks up to me even though I’m not much to look up to. Hell, I can’t even read proper.
But nobody has ever cared about that.
I walk out the door. I stop once my feet hit the sidewalk. It occurs to me that I have no idea where the hell I’m going. Great. I’m such a great planner.
I’m sure I’ll go real far wherever I end up.
“Justin!”
It’s my mother. I start walking again.
“Justin...wait! Please wait!”
God...
I turn. She’s running down the sidewalk, looking foolish in her slippers and apron. I know she doesn’t care what she looks like though. She’s never cared what other people think about her, not even when it comes to her own family. She’s her own person, through and through, and I know why we have such a special connection. She’s the only person who seems to understand me at all.
Now I’m leaving her.
But I have to leave.
“Momma I...I can’t stay here anymore.” I shake my head once she reaches me. “I can’t. There’s nothing for me.”
“I know.” She nods gently and reaches into her apron, fishing something out of it. “I...I want you to take this.” She pulls my hand towards her and crams something into it.
I pull the paper apart, and realize it’s a hundred dollar bill. My eyes widen.
It’s more money that I’ve ever seen in my life.
“I can’t...”
“Take it,” she whimpers and closes my fingers around the money. “I’ll feel better knowing that you’ll have a warm meal tonight and for the next week. Be smart, look at the prices of things. Stretch it as far as you can.”
“O-okay.” I don’t deserve it. I’m deserting the family, acting like I don’t care about them. I look up at her, and I know...
I know I’ll never see her again after this.
“I love you, mom.”
“Oh honey...” She shakes her head and cups my face in her hand, as the tears fall down her face. “I’ll never stop loving you.”
We hug for the longest time.
And then, I turn, and walk away from her.
I blink and the tears roll down my face. I harshly wipe them away. It’s the first time, ever, that I’ve recalled that memory. It’s so clear, so fucking vivid. That was the last time I ever saw either of them. I forgot what it felt like to hug my mom, to hear her tell me that she loved me. I wish like hell I would have been able to have a second chance with her. But fate works in strange ways. I have my brothers. I’ll look at Davey sometimes and be able to see traces of my mothers face in his. He has her nose, her eyes, and her smile. Austin has her curly hair, just like I do. The rest we’ve inherited from our father. We all have his strong jawline, and we’re all tall just like he was.
He’d be proud of the boys. Maybe even me.
I’ll never know.
I trace my fingers over the letters carved into the gravestone. They’ve kept up the gravesite well, but I send them a check every month to ensure that. I brought momma fresh flowers today. Lavender and lilacs with baby’s breath. I think she would have liked them. I had the lady put them into a basket and arrange them nicely, and made sure to position it right in front of her side of the grave. I hope she can look at them. I hope she can see me, or...at least hear me today.
“Hey momma.” I try to laugh it off but I only end up sobbing. “How are you?” I start tracing the letters with my finger again, starting with the first letter in her name. “Things have changed since the last time I was here...maybe you’ve heard or seen. The boys are doing well. They’re both so big...they’re growing up too fast. I think they’re used to me now...and anyway, Abbey makes sure they’re taken care of. She’s so great with them, she even reminds me of you a little bit. I’m marrying her, and we’re having a baby at the end of the year. I wish...I wish you could be here to help me. I hope that I...I can be a good daddy. I hope that I can make you proud of me. Daddy too. I...I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye.”
“I was wondering when you would come here.”
I look up in time to see Kim looming over me, before she bends down and puts her own bouquet of flowers in front of the grave. Azaleas. My mother never liked those. I glare at her. “She liked lavender.”
She shrugs. “They brighten up the grave.”
I feel the anger burning hot inside of me. Then, before I realize what I’m doing, I grab Kimberly’s flowers and chuck them across the graveyard. “You don’t know what the fuck is best!”
I’ve gone a little nuts, I admit that.
But, she’s fucking crazy.
We stare at each other for the longest time. She’s slightly shocked, but more angry with me than anything else. I just don’t care though. I mean, I’m really pissed at her. How could she do this to me? Embarrass me with all this shit? I thought she’d be done with the bastard thing, now that her sister is gone. But she’s fanatical as ever. My mom was the complete opposite of her, and it shows. Religion was part of her life, but it wasn’t her whole life. She didn’t live in fear of God, she lived to rejoice in her religion and never forced it on anybody else. Me, I’m not a religious person. I never have been from the time I was able to discover what it really meant, and I know if my parents were alive they wouldn’t hold it against me.
But I’m sure Kimberly would, if I bothered to get into it with her.
I won’t though. I just want her to give me the paperwork I need so we can get the hell out of here. Tomorrow I’m making a couple of speeches at those schools, then we can all go back to the city, and move on with our lives.
I will never, ever, come back here after this.
“You realize I could still fight you for custody,” she finally tells me. “That attitude won’t get you anywhere.”
“You’re not getting them.”
“Don’t you think it should be up to the boys? I mean, just look at Austin. Look how he was acting at the house yesterday. It’s more than obvious he’s not happy with you...”
“Austin is fucked up!” I yell it as I rise to my feet, and cross my arms sternly across my chest. “He doesn’t know what the best thing is for him, and I wish I didn’t have to bring him here. It’s confusing him, and Davey too. They’re different kids when they’re home with me. Kim...why...why do you have to be like this? I know I was an asshole when they died, but I’m different now. I was hoping we could talk and...maybe work something out so we could be more like a family. But instead you’ve decided to back yourself up with the fucking Vatican or something.”
“You know how things are...”
“Are they really though? Or are you just bitter because my mom stood up to you and the family, and decided to live her life the way she wanted to?”
She’s completely silent. I know I hit her hard with that one.
“Your mother lived a life full of sin.”
“You were supposed to be her family. You were supposed to accept her! But instead, you just...resented her relationship with my father, and you treated me like I never should have been born! Why couldn’t you just help us? Why did you allow us to live that way...some weeks we didn’t eat, Kim! You...never offered to help. Was I that much of a mistake?”
The tears are dripping down my face, and I don’t care. It hurts so bad, remembering it all. It’s been years. I locked it all away, but standing here in front of her is bringing it all back. I remember the hunger pains I would get when we had to go without food, how sometimes we would be down to our last piece of bread and my parents would sacrifice it so I could eat. They would have done anything for me, as much as they could anyway. I couldn’t see that before, but now, it’s so much clearer in my mind, thanks to Abbey. I wish she was here, but someone had to stay with the boys. She told me she wanted me to do this today, come here, and pay my respects, because she knows I never really did it before. So I came, and have every intention on bringing the boys and Abbey here before we leave.
It feels good that I’ve done this, even though I’m so angry at the moment.
“Justin...”
“Was I a mistake!”
She looks down at the grass, and I hear her sniffle slightly. “No...I just...I didn’t understand, and maybe I still don’t.”
“You’re right.” I let out a bitter laugh. “So why don’t you just do what you’re gonna do, huh? I’m...I’m better now, Kim. I’m finally healing after all this time. I’m getting married, fuck, I’m having a baby, and I’m happy. Like, completely happy. I’ve never felt like this in my life before. Ever. I’m not going to let you destroy it. I’ll fight you as hard as I have to.”
She presses her lips together, before putting her hand into her purse and fishing some papers out of it. “Here.”
I take them from her slowly, and when I unfold them, I realize she’s handing me the birth certificates. She’s not going to fight for custody. I...I dont’ think she ever was. She was angry and so, she said stupid things. I guess I can understand. I’ve done more than my share of that in the past. “So we’re good then?”
She nods slightly. “I...” She sighs heavily. “Justin, I’m sorry.”
I start to turn away from her, but then she calls out my name again, and I don’t want to, but something inside of me won’t allow me to walk away from her. I feel a weird sort of energy stopping me in my tracks, telling me this is important.
That Kim might be arrogant and say stupid things, but...she needs me more than I know.
Why should I give her the time of day though? Really?
Justin.
I’m hearing voices now?
Do this for me, honey.
I shake my head roughly.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what Abbey said to me. I know...I know you won’t have any family of your own at the wedding, Justin.”
I cross my arms.
“If you’re willing...I’d like to be there for you, if only for a couple of days. I know that...Vicki...would have wanted somebody there who cares about you.”
“You don’t care though. You never cared.”
“I care,” she whispers. “I may have a hard time showing it, but I do, and when you left, your mother never let me forget you. She talked about you all the time, and part of me wished that I’d paid a little more attention to you when you were growing up.”
“She...she talked about me?”
Kim nods gently. “Every day.”
I smirk a little, and my eyes fill with tears automatically. “I thought...I thought she forgot about me.”
“Are you kiddin’? She kept a scrapbook of everything you did out in the city up until...she passed. I might have it still. I kept a few things before the house went up for sale. She was so proud of you, your father was too. But...they felt it was best that they let you be. I think it was more for the boys’ sake. They didn’t want them to get hurt.”
I guess I can understand.
But I just...I wish I’d known. Maybe if I had I would have been able to spend some more time with them. But...looking back on who I was, I know I never would have let them in. I was too into myself, my money, and my career to give a damn. Getting the boys was my second chance at having a relationship with my family, and Abbey was my gift, my saving grace. Now that I’m better, I realize just how fucked up Kimberly is, and how she needs somebody to pick her up...save her.
Maybe she’s not that fanatical after all.
Maybe she just needs somebody to show her there’s more to life than following the rules.
I’ve had to learn that, the hard way.
“It’s um...the wedding...it’s August eighteenth.”
“I’d love to be there.”
I shove my hands in my pockets and let out a long breath. “I’ll...I”ll have to talk to Abbey. She’s kinda pissed still...” I trail off and laugh. “Really pissed.”
“I figured that.” She steps towards me and I let her touch my face, then she smiles. It’s a genuine one. Not fake, and for the first time in my life...I trust her. “She’s a wonderful girl, Justin. I knew how much she cared about you the minute she told me off, and I guess...it knocked some sense into this old fart.”
“I know she is.”
She kisses my cheek. “Try to come see me before y’all leave, okay? I’ll fix a real dinner.”
I smile a little as she pulls away from me. “That sounds good.”
“You look just like your father, but you have Vicki’s eyes” she tells me gently. “They’ll always be a part of you Justin, and I know that...the boys need you to help them remember them. You’re the best thing for them and I realize that now.”
I nod a little.
“I’ll see you,” she says.
Then she walks away. I allow myself to sob once I’m confident she’s gone. It’s so weird. So fucking weird. It’s like...I have a chance at forming a bond with that woman. Abbey isn’t going to like it, and it will take a lot of persuasion to get her to understand the situation. The bitter, resentful part of me is saying that Kim doesn’t deserve another chance, too. But deep down, I know I need her. I need to have some part of my family back in my life, no matter how small. I need to, so I can remember my parents, and help the boys to do it too. It’ll be therapeutic, I think, keeping in touch with her.
And having her at my wedding, will make me feel, in a small way, that my mother is right there with me.
A breeze blows gently around me, the scent of lavender and lilac filling my nostrils. It reminds me of hugging my mother as a small child, feeling her warm lips on my forehead. I can hear her soft, calming voice in my ear, thanking me, and telling me how much she loves me.
And I know...I know that even though she’s not here with me, I can still get that closure.
I can still say goodbye to both of them, finally.
“Goodbye.” I crouch down and fix the flowers once more, before remove some leaves around my fathers side of the gravestone. “I love you both, and I’m sorry.”
I feel myself smile after I say it.
I know I’m going to be okay.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hope you enjoy!
Story Tags: triangles justinandtrace executivej
