“So, how was it?”
I unwrap my first Egg McMuffin, and hold it up to my nose, breathing in it’s aroma for a few moments before taking a long, slow bite out of it. Anybody else would think I was a weirdo for doing it, but not Anthony. He does the same shit. We were starved for so long, that we forgot what certain things smelled like, and how good they taste. Food is probably the one thing in my life that I cherish, to this day. “You know,” I say, as I chew and swallow. “The same. It’s not going to go beyond last night.”
“I liked her. Kelly couldn’t stop talking about what a good match she was for you. I thought things might have worked out.”
I shrug. He means well, and I know that. But at the same time, dating...I’m still not totally there yet. She was a nice girl. Christine...that was her name. She teaches at the same elementary school that Kelly does, likes the outdoors, hiking, even has a brother in the military so we had a little more to talk about. She had a great body, great smile, and most of all...she had patience. I took her back to my place after dinner, and we had sex.
She was the first woman I allowed myself to be intimate with since my divorce, and it was also the first time that I was able to..perform, since I was brought back home. I knew it was cheap, meaningless sex, but I convinced myself that it was time. Time to listen to my therapist, and try to interact with somebody new. It made my body feel refreshed, and renewed, made me feel like a little bit less of a freak because I’d finally been able to have sex normally. Christine was even able to ignore the scarring on my back, told me that it was okay when I was hesitant about taking my shirt off. She said that it didn’t make a difference to her, that she understood. They’ve mostly healed. I don’t have to bandage them anymore, but the lash marks are still there, more apparent than ever. I have a feeling that this is as good as they’re going to get, that I’ll have them as a reminder of what I was put through, until the day I die.
I woke up this morning, reached out for her, and realized she wasn’t there. It left me with this deep, empty feeling inside, knowing I was alone again.
I won’t call her, and I think she knew that as soon as we finished up, because I couldn’t look at her...couldn’t touch her anymore. I think that’s why she left before I woke up. She doesn’t want drama to come from this and neither do I. It might make me an asshole for not wanting to try things with her, but I know that I’m just...I’m not ready, and while she was a pretty good match interest wise, I know she’d never understand my moods and the thoughts that tend to take over my mind, even now.
I was discharged from the army immediately after my release from the mental health facility, and it’s been nearly seven months since I made the move to Arizona. Anthony lives in Scottsdale with his wife and son, and for the first five months I lived with them, in their finished basement. Kelly has been amazing, completely willing to tolerate my mood swings, and awkward moments, even though she has a child to think of. I think being married to Anthony has taught her a lot about toleration though. When he first came back, he was just like me...not sleeping through the night, drinking, and snapping at every little thing. They beat the odds and statistics though. They saved their marriage because they were both willing to work together to save it, and now they have a beautiful relationship because of that.
Sometimes I’ll look at them, see how much they love each other, and think...what if I’d tried? What if I’d let Abbey talk me into getting us counseling that day I told her we couldn’t be together? Sometimes I think that it might have worked. That we’d be together and happy by now.
But then I think about what happened to my mom, and I know that...that Abbey might have been the one I pushed through that glass door if she stayed. Even now, I can barely live with myself because of what I did, and if Abbey had been the one...I don’t think I would have allowed myself to be saved. I think I would have killed myself the moment I was let out of Camp Psycho. Our lives are better off the way they are, and I’ve been able to clear my mind enough to realize that now. She’s in love and has a family and I...I’m going to be okay, eventually.
Anthony took me to see the same therapist that helped him and Kelly, a couple of weeks after I’d gotten settled into their place. Dr. Wineberg, or...Rick, as he prefers his patients to call him. He’s different, not like the people I’ve been forced to talk to in the past. He was in the military, and his specialty is veteran rehabilitation. He’s one of the only people I can talk to...about anything, who gets it. The only person that’s been able to listen to me like he does is Jessica, and...she’s long gone. I’ve gone into graphic details with him about my seven year captivity, and he doesn’t think I’m crazy.
He just...he helps me, and gives me the right medication to regulate my moods so I can sleep nights. I’m only supposed to take it before bed. It’s just enough to help me through the rough times, if I have an episode or something in the middle of the night. Otherwise, I’ve learned how to stabilize myself on my own through tactics that he’s taught me. I can’t lie, it’s really hard, and sometimes...sometimes I still break down, still need help, but I’m better than I was. So much better.
I live now. I can actually...do things, and go places, without being so fucking afraid. I find joy in doing the simplest things like...going to the grocery store on my own, going to a movie or out to dinner with Anthony and his family. It’s sad. I forgot how much I was missing out on in the world. There’s so much to do, see, and experience. I thought the only thing that was stolen from me was my freedom, but in reality, they took so much more than that.
I haven’t felt this much like myself since I left for Afghanistan all those years ago. Little by little, small pieces of the guy I used to be have been coming back to me. Lately, I’ve been getting back into the things I used to love. I go to the gym most nights after work, set new lifting goals for myself, and go hiking on the weekends too. There’s tons of trails around here, and it’s been fun, exploring a new place. In Colorado it’s all snowy hills and mountains, but here in Scottsdale there’s the desert, cacti, and brightly colored flowers everywhere. I was hesitant about getting out on the trails for a while, thinking the sand and heat would take me back...there...but I learned how to make peace with my feelings. I’ve taught myself how to appreciate the surroundings, rather than fear them. Rick has helped. He even came out with me the first time I told him I wanted to go hiking, taught me a lot about the area and the things I could do that would prevent me from having a meltdown.
The most important tool he’s given me, I think, is mediation. Our third session, he gave me a little manual with a CD attached to it, and pressed it into my hands, telling me to take it home and try it out. When I realized it was a meditation guide I laughed, nearly threw it back in his face because I felt meditation was for stupid, wimpy hippies. But he told me that it had helped him when he came back from the Gulf War, and that he was going to be upset with me if I didn’t try.
I knew I couldn’t disappoint him. He’d helped me too much.
I started doing it in the mornings before work, closing my eyes, letting the music take over me as I tried my best to clear my mind. I still hadn’t been sleeping well then, woke up from the night terrors most nights, thanking the heavens that Anthony’s basement had been soundproofed before my arrival. At first it didn’t do anything but frustrate me. I would close my eyes and just...remember, and cry there in my bedroom. I talked to Rick about it, told him I wanted to quit, but he begged me to keep pushing, that it took awhile. I did it, begrudgingly, and then...
Then one day, it just...worked. The music enveloped my mind and body, made me forget, lifted me up, and took me to a place far away from my problems. It still does. I’m able to float away to better places and times I experienced before my disappearance. I focus on happy memories I had as a child, as an adolescent.
Of course, Abbey is there.
But she’s not the same Abbey that I divorced. It’s only the Abbey I remember from the past. The kid that was in love with me, naive to the horrors of the world. Again, she’s getting me through, just like she did when I was locked in a cage, only...she has no idea. But I don’t think the Abbey out in the world right now, would understand. The important thing, is that it’s helping me. I meditate twice a day now, for an hour in the morning, and for an hour at night. The medication I take, mixed with my meditation, helps me to sleep through the night better than ever.
In fact, this month...I’ve only woke up once from a night terror.
My life is changing, just like Anthony promised me it would.
The only thing that’s missing is...my family, and...finding love again. I’d like to focus on my family first of course. Love...love is difficult, and last night proved that. My family is something I can work towards. Rick has said he would like to help me make a connection with them, but I’m still so unsure. I haven’t talked to my parents since they went back to Colorado after the accident, and I’m sure they’re much better off because of it. I sent Mark a simple postcard, so he would know where I was, and a couple of months later I received a letter back from him, just to keep me updated on how he was doing, how school was going for him. I could tell by the handwriting on the envelope that Hannah had snuck it in the mailbox for him, and it made me smile. I knew that they both still loved me, even if nobody else back home did.
It’s Christmas eve. The first I’ve had since I’ve been back, and...I’m not even able to spend it with my family or hold a phone conversation with them. That’s the hardest part for me. Anthony knows that too, and he’s been doing his best to make me feel like part of his since Thanksgiving. He’s a great friend. One that I never expected I would have. He’s given me a job in his father in laws construction company, and we partner together on the jobs that get handed down to him. He’s taught me everything he knows about working with his hands, won’t let me work without him, and hasn’t from the very beginning. I think that was the condition Kelly’s dad made before I was allowed to be a part of the business, and of course I get it. He’s a nice guy. He stops by the house a lot with Kelly’s mom and they always make me feel like a part of their thing. They’re a close family. They remind me of how mine used to be, and I cling to that so hard...because I need it so bad.
Because of the job and what it pays, I was able to get my own place a month ago. It’s not much, just a one bedroom apartment about five miles away from Anthony’s neighborhood, but it’s a great accomplishment for me. I’ve been able secure a job to the point that I can pay rent, and not have to leech off of somebody else. I’m independent now and that makes me feel great...
I just wish my family could see how much I’ve changed.
Anthony and I finish our breakfasts, and he starts up the truck. We’re on our way to finish up a roofing job, and then, we’re off for a week for the Christmas holiday. I’m going to be staying at his house. His family doesn’t want me to be alone, at all, and I’m thankful. He says we’ll do some stuff with Michael, who I grew attached to immediately after I moved in. He’s good, reminds me of my brother when he was that age, and I’ve found that he’s been sort of therapeutic to me as well. I don’t think about things so much when I’m hanging out with him. We just hang, and play video games, go outside and run around together. I like to help him with his school work too. We built this awesome replica of a working rainforest for his science fair, and he placed second.
Who would have thought I’d be capable of that, after so much shit?
“So Bill has this job for me after the New Year,” he tells me, once we both climb to the roof and start hammering the rest of the shingles into place. “He says it’s in Texas though, but the pay will be amazing. It’s a corporate job.”
I stop hammering and look over at him, wiping the sweat off my brow and taking a deep breath before guzzling some water. Sure, it’s December, but we’re in Arizona, and the temperature stays around seventy degrees this time of the year. “Texas?”
“Yeah, some kind of firm is opening up and the building needs renovations...painting, carpentry, things like that. Apparently the place is a big deal...some rich asshole is starting his own investment firm...some shit. I guess he has nothing better to do with all that money.” He laughs and hammers a little bit, then stops again. “Bill is making about a hundred grand from the job, and I’ll give you half my cut. That means twenty five thousand for you, plus whatever overtime they have to pay us. Bill says he’ll give us five guys to do the dirty work, put us up in a hotel, and pay for all the food while we’re there. It’s a two month job. What do you think?”
There’s a lot of bad memories for me in Texas, and he knows that. It’s why he’s asking me this way. If it were anyplace else, he knows I would take the job on without a question. Twenty five thousand dollars is a ton of money, after all, and I sure could use it, if I want to get a bigger place. Eventually, I’d like to own a home, if I can. “Where in Texas?”
“Dallas. It’s not close to anything...you would have an issue with. It’s hours away from Killeen and the base.”
I shrug. “I guess...I mean...it sounds like a good job.”
He smiles and pats my back. “You kidding? It’s the biggest job we’ve ever been offered. Can you imagine the deals we’ll get after this? Johnson and Holtoy Construction is going to be on the map!”
I nod, force a smile for him, and start to hammer again. I know it’s a good thing for all of us. Anthony will make more money to take care of his family and I’ll be able to push forward and make my life better. I should be smiling more, be completely ecstatic just like him, but I guess...because it’s Christmas, and my family is out of the picture, it’s a little harder for me.
We work all morning, perfecting the roof, and it makes me feel good when he finally tells me that we’re finished. Work makes me feel good most of the time, makes me feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day. I’m thankful for it.
“Kel says the ham is in the oven.” Anthony sighs with happiness as he reads his text message, while we pile the rest of our gear into the back of his pickup. “I can’t fuckin’ wait, kid. You’ve never experienced Christmas until you’ve had one with us.”
I smile. “Sounds great.”
“Bray?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you...thank you so much for getting me home for this.”
I press my lips together and look down at my lap, feeling my face burning. “I think...I think you’ve paid me back, Anthony. More than enough.”
“That’s what I’m here for, brother.”
We get in the truck after that, and drive the half hour back to his house. It’s all decorated for the holiday, and the Christmas lights are sparkling now that the sun is setting. I smile, the feeling of home taking over me almost instantly.
“Hey.” Kelly kisses my cheek as I walk into the house. “Good day or bad day?”
I smile at her. “Good day.”
“Great. Supper will be ready soon...just...get yourself situated. I fixed up the guest room for you, okay?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“Hey you.” Kelly smiles and pulls Anthony into her arms as he make our way through the door and I leave them behind as they start to make out. The heavenly smell of home cooked goodness wafts through my nostrils and I close my eyes, taking it in.
“Hi Braeden! Are you staying here!”
I smile at Michael, who throws his arms around me once he gets close enough. “Hey monster face.” I laugh as I pick him up and swing him over my shoulder. “Yeah, I’m camping out here for a few days. I heard they were short on food this year too, so we’re just gonna cook you when the rest of the food runs out.”
“No! Nooooo!”
I carry him to the couch and tickle him until he’s screaming for mercy. “All right, all right,” I say breathlessly as I lean back against the couch. “I guess I’ll have to survive on that ham in there.”
He leans his head on my shoulder and I stroke his hair gently.
He doesn’t care what I’ve been through.
He just loves me, and I love him. I think he’s the best gift that Anthony and Kelly have been able to share with me since I’ve been here, and I wouldn’t be able to leave him behind for anything.
For the first time, I know how Abbey felt with Austin, and that other little boy, and I’m so thankful that they found her, helped her through life when I wasn’t around. I know they saved her, got her past me, and while I used to be so bitter about that, I appreciate it now.
Because Michael has saved me in a way too.
The doorbell rings, and I fully expect Kelly’s parents to come bursting in with the rest of the feast. A few minutes pass, but I don’t hear the usual chatter between Kelly and her mother and Bill doesn’t come over to greet his grandson or give me a hearty slap on the back.
“Bray!”
I cock my head to the side and give Michael’s hair a final tousle before I get up from the couch, and walk towards Anthony’s voice. He’s standing by the front door, that’s open part way, and I stop in my tracks, confused. “What...what’s wrong?”
He smiles a little, but doesn’t say anything, just opens the door the rest of the way.
“H-hey...”
I want to break down and cry like a baby because my brother is standing there, Hannah at his side. I don’t know how it’s possible that they came to be here...I mean, our parents...her parents, wouldn’t they have to agree to this? “Mark...”
He rushes into the house and over to me, and I wrap him up in my arms, holding him so tight to me as he sobs into my shoulder. I know he’s a complete mess. He needs me so bad and it’s just...so fucking selfish of my parents to try and keep us apart. Part of me is waiting for a phone to ring or a police officer to walk in and take him from me, telling me he’s a minor and belongs with his parents.
But it doesn’t happen, and something inside is telling me this has been arranged so it won’t. That nobody in our family has a clue where he really is, on the day before Christmas. I pull away from him after a while, and smile when I see Hannah standing there with the tears running down her face. I hug her too. We hug forever, and then I’m finally able to ask them the question that’s been plaguing my mind for the past twenty minutes.
“How?”
Hannah pulls an envelope out of her pocket and sniffles a little as she hands it to me. “Justin.”
Mark rolls his eyes and she’s quick to swat him. “Stop it. I warned you.”
He listens.
I stare at her, my eyes wide, trembling a little as I take it from her. “What...what do you mean?”
“He said to give this to you and you would understand.”
“What about...”r32;
“They think we’re staying with Abbey for the holiday,” Hannah tells me.
I know it’s risky. If they find out what’s going on, there are going to be repercussions not only for me, but for them, and I don’t want them punished for something so silly. “Are you sure?”
They both nod. It tells me this has been secured over and over again.
I rip open the envelope. There is a Christmas card inside, and when I open it, a small photo falls into my hands. I smile when I look at it. It’s Justin, Abbey, those boys, and...two babies in front of the Christmas Tree.
Two babies?”
“Two babies?”
Hannah giggles. “They had twins.” She comes to stand at my side so she can look at the picture with me. “That’s Mason, and that’s Victoria.”
“Shit.” I stare at the picture for a moment more, gazing at the smile on Abbey’s face, knowing she’s complete. That she’s the happiest she’ll ever be.
And I can live with that. I can live with the way her life has turned out, and I start to read the card with that in mind.
Braeden,
Merry Christmas. I didn’t know what to get you, but I wanted to do something to show my gratitude. You’ve given me the best gift of all...my family, and I know you’re probably standing there thinking I’m a big fucking sap, and hell..yeah, I guess I am, but I’m better for it. I guess that’s why I got you the best gift I could to coincide with the one you selflessly gave to me.
I hope you and your brother have a nice holiday. Don’t worry about the details, I’ve taken care of it.
Best,
Justin and family
I look back up at my brother and his girlfriend, speechless. It’s the last thing I would have expected, them being here, and the fact that Justin did this...
It’s just crazy.
But at the same time, it’s the best thing he could have done to repay me. I know there’s a silent respect we have for one another. He’ll always be greatful to me, for allowing him to love Abbey. I know I could have worked hard to tear them apart, but it wouldn’t have been right.
Now more than ever I know I made the best choice for her that I could have.
And my life is starting over because of it.
Author's Chapter Notes:
another one! enjoy!
Story Tags: triangles justinandtrace executivej
