March

Justin and I have been working hard on our relationship since the episode at the hospital.  We’ve had to.  Our fight was horrible, and I never, ever want to treat him that way again.  Mason was just fine the next day.  They released him early, and gave me a couple of prescriptions before sending us on our way.  

As I sat in the hospital lobby with him in my arms, I didn’t know what the hell I was going to tell Justin when he arrived to pick us up.  I knew I didn’t mean the things I said to him.  I was just terrified because something had happened to Mason, and I felt I didn’t handle it proper way.  The thought that he could have gotten worse...could have possibly died if we let the situation go on any longer, took over me completely.  I felt irresponsible and I didn’t think about Justin’s perspective.  He was the strong one, the one who kept his hopes high and knew Mason would be okay.  I forgot to remember the valiant way Justin came to the rescue, got us to the hospital, and made sure a doctor saw our baby right away.  He dropped everything for us, just like he always promised me that he would.  I only seemed to understand that after I yelled at him, and acted like he was nothing more than a selfish bastard.

I was terrified of what he might say to me when he arrived at the hospital that morning.  Terrified...that he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.

“Hey.”

I was sobbing as I cradled Mason in my arms, and couldn’t look at him, even though I knew he was standing right in front of me.  “Hi.”

“C’mon.  You ready?”

When I finally managed to look up at him I found that Victoria was sound asleep in her carrier.  Justin had dressed her properly, made sure she had her little hat on and was comfortable.  He’d taken care of her while I was gone.  Of course he would have though.  He would do anything for our children...sacrifice himself.  There was no reason for me to think differently.

But I had.

And I was so wrong for that.

I silently put Mason in his own carrier and slowly walked out to the car with Justin.  He put Victoria in first, and then took Mason from me gently, but didn’t look at me at all.  Then he motioned for me to get into the car, and soon enough we were on our way.  It was deadly silent, and all I could do was look down at my lap as Justin drove on.  

“The boys are going to the zoo today,” he finally spoke up.  “Trace and Shawna are taking them.  I said I didn’t care if they missed school.”

Normally it would have pissed me off, but at that moment, I was too upset with the situation to care.  “Okay.”

“What’d the doctor say?”

“That Mason will be okay.  They gave me some prescriptions.  One of them they want him to take for the next few months, and the other one we can give to him if he gets bit or stung again. They said we won’t know if the allergy is permanent or not until he’s at least a year old.”

He nodded.  “I figured we’d stay the night and head back to Manhattan tomorrow.”

“All right.”

“I’ll call Dave when we get to the hotel and tell him the deal is off on the house too.  I’ll probably have to fly back out here in a month to get all the construction cancellations taken care of, but after that...it’ll be like we were never here.”

He took what I said about the move to heart, but I knew that he would.  No matter what good fortune laid in store for him in Dallas, the only thing that mattered to him was his family’s happiness.  He was willing to stay in New York and figure something else out simply so I wouldn’t be angry with him, or be paranoid about Mason anymore.  It wasn’t fair.  He threw Goldman away for my sake and had nothing else lined up in the city.  I had no idea what he was supposed to do if we didn’t move, and the more I thought about it, the more I knew I loved the neighborhood and the house we found together, and I wanted to raise our family there more than anything. “I wasn’t thinking when I said I didn’t want to move.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

I sighed.  “Justin...”

“Look...I just...I don’t know what to say to you Abbey.  You made your point pretty fucking clear yesterday, you know?  Now you’re miraculously changing your mind?”

“I was afraid.”

“Yeah, well I can’t promise you that I won’t get busy at times, either.  It’s business and things happen, but I’m making our family a priority as best as I can.  I don’t need you freaking out and treating me like I’m a deadbeat father if I have to work late once or twice a month.  Putting up with that yesterday was enough for me.”

“You really think I feel that way?”

He sighed and licked his lips before gripping the steering wheel tighter.  His eyes grew small and extremely focused on the road, and I knew he was doing everything he could to keep his emotions in check while the babies were in the car.  “You made me feel like shit yesterday.”

It was all he had to say to get his point across.

“I know that.”

“You think that...you think that I would ever put these kids second?  I got caught up a little on this trip, Abbey.  I’m admitting that, and I feel like shit for it. Things are starting to come together and I’m starting to realize that I have to take some pressure off of my shoulders and hire more people.  I can’t do everything myself anymore.  I blame myself for what happened to Mason too, you know? But...shit, I would never...I would never...let anything hurt him, or any of the kids, intentionally.”

He stopped speaking, and then I saw a solitary tear slide down his face.  I reached out and gently placed my hand on his thigh, rubbing it gently, trying to show him that I was sorry.  That I loved him.  “I don’t want you to cancel anything.  I want to move here, Justin.  I do, and I’m so sorry about...the way I acted.  I was out of my mind.”

He just sighed and gently pushed my hand away.

We didn’t talk the rest of the way to the hotel, and when we got there, Justin took Victoria into the bedroom with some bottles, a diaper bag, and extra formula, making sure to close the door so he could shut me out.

I knew I deserved it, but it didn’t make the pain inside of me go away.  I tried to stop crying as I fed Mason, changed his diaper and put him down for a nap.  I positioned myself on the couch after that, mindlessly flipping through the television stations. Justin stayed in the bedroom, and I could hear Victoria giggling and squealing from time to time as he spoke to her.  Despite everything, he was keeping his mood pleasant for our daughter, and it made me smile.

I wanted to be in there with him so bad, but I knew he was very angry, and needed his space from me.

I spent the night on the couch, Mason in his crib at my side.  It was very weird to wake up with him alone, and feed him, and I’m sure it was the same way for Justin with Victoria.  When the morning came, I was fully expecting him to tell me he was done with me too.

“Hi.”

He was sitting on the end of the sofa with my feet in his lap, looking like he’d been waiting there for hours until I finally woke up.  I sat up slowly, not sure what to think, but I managed a small smile for him.  “Hey.”

“I love you.”  He leaned closer to me, his expression serious as he stroked my face with his hand.

“I love you too.”

He sighed and pressed his lips together.  “I don’t want to fight, and I definitely don’t want to sleep alone again.”

I shook my head.  “Neither do I.”

He kissed me passionately, and then he took me by the hand and led me back into our bedroom.  That was the end of our fight.  The first major one since we’d been married.

Make up sex is wonderful, by the way.

The next two weeks would send us into overdrive. The movers were there the second day we were back in the city, beginning to pack and ship the bulky and extremely fragile items in the penthouse out to Texas first.  I don’t know how much Justin paid them, but due to the extreme care they paid with each and every piece of furniture and art, my guess was that Justin had given them a bonus right off the bat.  I was thankful though.  They made my job that much easier.  I was only packing the essential items that I knew we would need right away.  Most of our household items were donated, because Justin assured me we would be replacing them to match the interior of the house.  Davey was a big help too, picking out the things he wanted to keep versus what he didn’t, and made sure to remind me that all of the toys he no longer wanted had to be put in the donation box at his school, so other children could use them.

He’s so sweet, so genuine.  He’s going to be one of those people who grows up to be a humanitarian, because he loves to help other people, even now.  I wish I could say the same for Austin.  Right now, he’s impossible, and during the move he was less than cooperative.  

At times, I wanted to strangle him.

First of all, he wanted to keep everything, but Justin and I were firm, telling him we didn’t want to take garbage with us to the new house.  He actually cried when I went through his closet one day and started throwing out clothes he’d grown out of.  Some of the items he had since he lived in Memphis, one hooded sweatshirt in particular he wore almost everyday when I first started taking care of him.  It was old, full of holes, smelled funky, and I knew it had to go.

“No!”  He screamed at me when I put it into the garbage pile in the middle of his floor.  “No! That’s mine!”  

“Austin.”  I sighed, because I was frustrated.  I wanted to get the house packed up quickly, and Austin was preventing me from doing that.  In the midst of packing up, people were starting to come and look at Justin’s place too.  While he was keeping the house in the Hamptons for summer trips, he would have no use for the penthouse once we moved to Dallas.  I hated being there when the realtor would be showing the place, but there was no choice.  We had to be out, and Justin wanted to sell as fast as he could.

“But it’s mine!”  He frantically dug into the pile to retrieve it and hugged it close to his chest.  “You didn’t ask me!  You said you were gonna ask me first!”

“It’s full of holes, and it stinks.”

“It was my dads!”

“Oh.”

Awkward silence ensued.  While things had gone great in Memphis with the adoption, I knew there was a big part of Austin that still wouldn’t let go of his past.  He was different from Davey.  Davey was just thrilled to have a family, excited to move and make new friends.  His school had worked wonders for him, gave him a whole new enthusiasm about life and about Justin and I as his parents.  I knew he would always remember his mother and father, but he was learning to live with their absence, and he was enjoying being a happy kid again.

Austin just couldn’t do it, and I knew that he never had therapy after they passed.  He just sort of lived with it, and when I came along, I helped him to recover the best I could.  But the birth of the twins changed him.  He didn’t want to talk to me as often once that happened, and definitely didn’t indulge himself in the family time that Justin worked so hard to create for all of us. He preferred to hole himself up in his room with his video games, and I hated the fact that Justin and I seemed to let it go as if we didn’t care.

We did care.  Of course we did, but with three other children to think about, it was difficult to focus on him and only him, like I knew he wanted us to.

I think the one thing that set him over the edge, was the fact that Kimberly wouldn’t be moving down to Dallas with us after all.  Justin asked her to do it, for the boys’ sake, even said he would buy and furnish a house for her, but she still told him no.  Her roots are in Memphis, and she’s happy there.  She doesn’t want to leave.  Justin and I could understand, and remained happy with the fact that she wanted to visit us a few times out of the year.  Davey was fine with that too.  

But Austin took it hard.  I knew he did, because he seemed to build a new barrier around himself after she went back to Memphis.

“You just...you don’t care about my stuff!” Austin continued to yell at me.  “You just want to throw it out so you can have more room for the babies!”

“Austin,” I scoffed.  “Now you’re being ridiculous.  If you want the hoodie, take it.  I’m sorry that I didn’t realize what it was.”

“You never realize anything anymore.”

He was giving me a dark look, and I sighed.  “Let’s talk.”

Then Victoria started to cry.  It was horrible timing.

“Guess we can’t now.”

He walked away from me.

That’s when things really started to go downhill with him.

That’s...that’s when I lost him, I think.  Completely.

I miss him.  So much.

By the end of the second week, the penthouse was completely empty.  We spent the last couple of nights with Trace and Shawna, who were happy to help, even though the babies were still crying sometimes in the middle of the night.  They had turned into the best friends we could have asked for, and while it would be easier for Shawna and I to be apart, I knew that Trace and Justin were having a harder time with it.  Of course they sucked it up in front of us, acted like it was no big deal, but I knew there was more to it.  Sometimes the four of us would be sitting on the sofa watching the TV, and those two would be so quiet.

I knew it was killing them, because their friendship would never be completely the same.    Texas might as well have been on another planet, and although I knew Trace and Shawna would visit, and we would do the same, our friendship would inevitably drift.  We would make new friends, and so would they.

I never thought I would be...sad, to leave Trace Ayala back in New York City, but the truth was, I had tears in my eyes the morning he and Shawna said their goodbyes to us at the airport.

“Make sure you call me if he starts to get out of line,” Trace smirked as Justin hugged Shawna goodbye.  “I know you’re pretty good at keeping his ass in check...but still.”

I laughed as I hugged him close, and he returned the embrace.  “I’ll keep my eye on him.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, so nobody else would be able to hear him.  “For everything.”

“You better be engaged the next time I see you,” I laughed as we pulled apart from each other.  

“Hey, she’s living with me.  One thing at a time.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.  “Next time I see you, Ayala.”

“I’ll do my best.”  He kissed my cheek once more.

Shawna and I said our last goodbyes after that.  She thanked me for being her friend, even if we wouldn’t get to see each other all that much, and I thanked her for nagging me enough to get me on that date with her.  If she hadn’t, I don’t know if Justin and I ever would have gotten back together.  We promised to call and write emails to each other.

Justin and Trace shook hands, before finally breaking down and hugging each other.  I knew how much emotion was behind it.  They’d endured so much together, been through it all, and even if parts of their friendship were fucked up, nobody could deny how much they’d done for each other.  

Then it was really time to go.

Justin and I had a hard time pulling Austin and Kristy apart.  They just...didn’t want to be separated, and Trace had to hold his daughter back as we dragged Austin to the security checkpoint.  I felt horrible about it.  The girl was his best friend and Austin had a hard time making friends as it was, but there was no choice.  Kristy’s place was with Trace and Shawn and Austin’s was with us.

He cried the whole flight, and we let him, figuring he would get over it once he started school and made some new friends.

Unfortunately, the friends he would make would be the worst kind.

We enrolled Austin in an all boys private school.  It comes highly recommended, but the main reason I favored this one is because they have a great arts program.  I thought Austin would appreciate it, because of his love for theater and music.  But I quickly realized he wanted nothing to do with that hobby anymore after the first couple of weeks we were in Dallas.  He told us he was too old and that none of his friends were into it.  Justin didn’t seem to mind, but I did.  I really wanted him to stick with it, because he was good at it.

But Austin didn’t care about that, or anything else, it seemed.

Davey is still enrolled in a special school, but he really seems to like it there.  He’s been making friends, and his teacher is wonderful, so patient and kind, and I think Davey might be even happier here than he was in Brimwood.  I don’t have to worry about him most days, because I know he’s being taken care of, and that’s good because the twins are still taking up my time when he gets home from school.  He comes home in a good mood, tries to help me with what he can, but I usually have him focus on his homework.  Child labor isn’t exactly my forte, and I’m determined to take care of the babies on my own while Justin is at work.

He’s been trying to talk me into hiring a nanny, just so I can have some peace during the day, but I won’t hear of it.  I don’t want a stranger raising my children for me, and I’ve made that clear to him.  He got me on the maid thing though, sadly enough.  I tried to keep up with the housework when we first moved out here, but after the first couple of weeks, Justin could tell I was overburdened and hired two cleaning ladies without a second thought.  I wanted to be angry with him, but I couldn’t be.  This house is massive, and I can’t keep up with the messes and the laundry with four kids and a husband in the house.  They come three times a week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and they are pleasant and respectful, don’t try to take over or invade my space.  It’s a huge, huge help, and I’m thankful for it, but I will never crack down and hire a nanny.

I’m a better mother than that.

“C’mon May.”

He turns his head away.

I push the eyedropper closer to his mouth.  “Please?”

“Ba ba ba ba ba ba.”  Victoria squeals and pounds her tray with a wide smile.  “BA BA BAAH!!”

I hang my head low, and let out a long, miserable sigh.  I just fed her, and now she’s hungry for more.  She’s like Mason now, a little body with a huge appetite.  They’ve been doing well here, the twins, but they’re so young that they’re able to adapt to anything.

“Abbey! Abbey can we go play outside now?”

I glance over my shoulder.  Davey is standing there with Brian, his little friend from school, at his side.  He’s over here most afternoons and weekends, and Davey goes to his house too.  His parents are nice.  Justin and I met them at a couple of weeks after we got settled at the house, and are good friends now.  We’ve gone out to dinner with them once or twice, leaving the twins with their niece who is very reliable and first aid certified.  Brian’s father is a banker so that gives him and Justin and a lot to talk about, and his mother is like me....she relocated here with her husband so they could have more of a family lifestyle.  We go shopping and have coffee binges together.  She can be a great dose of sanity at times.  I’m glad Davey has made a friend he can count on too.  Brian is a good kid, brings out the best in Davey and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for him.

“Can you guys just wait a little while?  I’m trying to give him his medicine.”

“But we’re bored!”

I sigh heavily.  “Fine...but make sure you stay in the back and away from the pool.  Got it?”

“Yeah! Okay! Thanks!”

They run off, and I know that they’ll be preoccupied for the rest of the afternoon.

Good choice, Ab.

‘BA BA BA BA BA.”

“Mason,” I coo, ignoring my daughter for the moment.  “C’mon baby.  Gotta take your medicine for mama okay?”

He turns his head the other way.

Damn.

“Abbey?”

I look over my shoulder.  Austin is standing there, his backpack slung over his shoulder.  He looks like he’s ready to go someplace, and I for one, am not going to have him galavanting around with those troublemakers he considers his friends today.  He does it too often, and lately, I feel like I have no idea what he’s even doing when he’s with them.  “What’s up?”

“Can I go to Adventure Landing with Chris and Matt?  I can sleep at one of their houses.”

“I...I’m not sure I want you going out with them so much,” I tell him.  “Actually, can you do me a favor and go keep an eye on your brother out back? You know that pool makes me paranoid.”

“I watched him yesterday.”

“I know...”  I pick Mason up and cradle him in my arms, as I try to force the medicine in his mouth once more.  He starts having a freak out though, and I’m forced to put him back in the high chair.  “But I’m...I’m asking you to give me a little help right now too, all right?  Invite someone from your class over here.  That boy Kyle seems nice.  His mother gave me their number.  You might have fun together.”

“Kyle Sullivan? He’s the biggest loser in school!  You can’t pick my friends.”  

“Maybe not, but the kids you hang around with right now, don’t seem to be the best influences either.  Your grades are down, Austin.  I’d prefer if you wouldn’t hang out with them anymore.”

He glares at me.  “This is bullshit.  You’re just jealous!  It’s not my fault you popped out a couple of brats and now you’re stuck in the house all the time.  I’m going, and you can’t stop me.”

“Austin! I already told you no.”

“You’re a bitch!  I don’t care what the stupid paper says!  You’re just...you’re Justin’s wife and...and as soon as I get old enough I’m going to get my name off the adoption paperwork!”

I stare at him, the tears gliding down my face as he storms away from me.  The door slams next.  He’s gone against my wishes.

But what else is new?

He just keeps getting worse.  That little spat will cost him.  I’ll be talking to Justin about it and he won’t take it lightly at all.  He’s become the enforcer with Austin, but I’ve demanded it, because I can’t control him anymore.

He’s fifteen now, and such a far cry from my friend Austin, who I used to treasure spending time with.  I really don’t know what’s happened, because I’ve tried.  I’ve tried everything for the couple of months we’ve been here to get things back to the way they used to be, but he just...he’s just slipped further and further away. If I had more time to myself I would probably cry about it more than I do.

But the twins and Davey keep me busy, and my marriage takes up the rest of my time.

I finally get Mason to take his medicine, and then I give Victoria a bottle.  After, they both need a diaper change, and I’m never more thankful when I finally put them down into their cribs in the nursery.  I feel like I’ve been going since six am.  Hell, I know I have.  Now it’s a little after five, and I’m completely exhausted.  What’s worse is Justin will be home soon, and I need to get dinner started for him.  No, he’s not some barbarian who expects a hot meal waiting for him, but these first few weeks have been a challenge, getting his business moving at a normal pace, so I want him to have a nice meal when he walks in the door.

Fuck, this day has been hell.

I put in some chicken and boil water for potatoes before I go out to check on Davey.  They’re hanging out on the back porch, playing with a remote control car, and I tell them to come inside and watch TV until Brian’s mom gets here to pick him up.  Davey listens.  He always listens to me, and I make him stop in his tracks before he can run into the house, and give him a long kiss on his cheek.  He hugs and kisses me back.  He hasn’t quite gotten to the stage where that embarrasses him yet.  “I love you.” I tell him.

“Love you, love you, mom!”

He runs off into the house after his friend.

It makes me smile.  He doesn’t say it all the time, but he’s starting to say it more and more, and I’m flattered that he cares for me that much.

I’m just putting the potatoes into the boiling water when I feel hands snake themselves around my waist and lips fall gently onto my neck.  I sigh as I allow my body to lean back against his, and I feel relieved already.

“Smells great.”

I feel the surge of excitement rush through me at his touch, and give the potatoes a stir before I eagerly turn around in his arms to face him.  “Hi.”  I smile and give him a long kiss on the mouth.  “Good day?”

He shrugs a little as he stares into my eyes and smiles.  “Some progress, some annoyances, you know.  My new assistant needs my assistance, and the construction is off schedule too.  I ripped into the contractor today, and had to threaten my assistants job, but I’m home now, so whatever.”

I nod a little, before resting my head against his chest.

“You all right?”

I don’t answer him, because I don’t want to cry.

“Abbey?”

He’s stroking my hair gently, and I hate that I’m about to spoil the night with my petty childcare problems.  He’s in a good mood, mostly upbeat, keeping the stresses of his work day out of his time with me.  I should be doing the same but I can’t.  “It’s Austin.”

“Where is he, anyway?”

“Out with his miscreant friends.”

He slowly pulls back from me, a concerned gaze in his eyes.  “What happened?”

I shake my head a little, press my lips together hard, trying not to cry, but it’s useless.  “He...he doesn’t love me anymore.”

“Huh?”

He’s laughing, but I would expect that.  I must sound like a train wreck, a psycho, but I know it’s the truth.  “First he called me a bitch..."

Justin's expression turns dark and angry.

"Then said that he doesn’t want to be on the adoption papers, before he left to go hang out with his friends, even though I told him he couldn’t.  He’s just...I know he’s fed up, Justin.  He hates it here, he hates me, and he doesn’t like the twins at all.”

“He said that to you about the adoption?”

I just nod.

He sits down at the kitchen island slowly, taking in the information.  I know he’s angry but at the same time, I know he’s upset too.  “Did he say where he was going?”

“He asked if he could to Adventure Landing but I don’t know if that’s where he wound up.”

“Save me a plate.”  He gets up quickly and pulls his car keys out of his slacks.  “I’ll be back when I find him.”

“Justin...”

“I’m not going to put up with this, Ab.”  He walks up to me and strokes my face with his hand.  “After everything you and I have sacrificed to make him happy, he has no reason to do this.  I mean, we bought him the car last month and he wasn’t complaining then.”

“That’s because he was getting attention,” I say, softly.

“He’s fifteen.  He doesn’t need us to fall all over ourselves to keep him entertained and happy.  He’s had a shit attitude since you got pregnant, and I think...we need to have a long talk with him and figure out what the best solution is.”

I shrug.  “I think he needs more from us than we think.”

He shakes his head, and I can tell he’s growing more and more annoyed.  “Call me if he shows up here.”  

He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek.

And then he’s out the door again.