The house and grounds are overwhelming.  In a million years, I never thought I would be sitting in a place like this, talking to Abbey as her husband tends to the kids inside their sprawling mansion.  The fact that I can do this, and keep my head is a God damn miracle.  

But I’m not in love with her anymore, and that allows me to be happy about everything Justin has been able to give her.  The house, the cars, the possessions, and her children too.  They’re amazing babies.  I held them both, and when they smiled up at me, I felt myself get a little weak inside.  I knew I was holding the best part of Abbey then, and I was happy she was raising a loving family, even if I wasn’t the one who could give it to her.  I knew Justin took great care of her, of all of them, and he always would.  I was able to maintain my respect for him because of that, and I didn’t get angry, or jealous, because I knew he was the right man for Abbey.

He’s dedicated to her.  I can tell by the way he’ll look at her, smile at her. I can tell because of the way he’s caught her off guard tonight when he thought I wasn’t paying attention, and snuck long kisses on her mouth while he held her at the waist.  Seeing them that way told me how in love they are, and I guess I knew that was the kind of relationship they had from the day he came to see me at Alvin’s.  It’s a once in a lifetime kind of love with them, one that I thought Abbey and I shared at one time, but...I don’t think I ever loved her like he does.  He’s just swept up into her, sacrifices everything inside of him so she can be happy, and I’ll always pray that nothing ever happens to drive them apart.

They deserve to be happy, for the rest of their lives.

Once our emotions settled down, Christmas with my brother and Hannah turned out great.  Anthony and Kelly made sure to make them feel like family as we spent the next four days together, laughing, telling stories and playing games.  Michael took to them too, didn’t want them to leave when the day finally came, and my brother promised him that he would be back to visit, hopefully in the spring.  It was a nice gesture too...

But I’m not too sure it’s going to happen.  What Justin did was risk enough, and I have no idea how he would pull it off a second time.

The solution is to break down, ignore my fathers request to stay away, and try to talk to both of my parents.  If nothing else, being able to see Mark every once in a while would be enough to keep me happy.  Reconciling with my parents has turned into an unimaginable dream, and I have nobody else to blame for the estrangement we have but myself.

The holidays were over much too soon, and then we were back at work.  Anthony and I had a job remodeling a kitchen and a bathroom, before we came out to Texas.  For weeks I didn’t know who we were working for, and then one day, when I was checking an invoice for something, I saw the name Timberlake scrawled across the top of the page.  I sort of froze, thought about it for a moment, and convinced myself that it couldn’t be the same person.  

I guess that’s how I got myself through the next few weeks.  I continued to push the idea out of my mind, because I was down in Dallas to work, not to dwell on the past and that Abbey might have been closer to me than I thought.   Up until that point, I thought she was still in New York.

But I was wrong, and I would find that out all too soon.  Anthony came up to me one afternoon, absolutely fuming, telling me the owner of the firm told him we weren’t working fast enough.  It was bullshit because I knew we were, and all I could think was the guy had to be a son of a bitch.  Naturally, Bill had been informed, and called us later the same day to rip us a new one, telling us to get on the ball.

Of course, I was volunteered to pay Mr. Timberlake a visit the next day so I could ‘escort’ him to the work site. It was the first time the thought crossed my mind that I might be seeing Justin, in weeks, and I didn’t know what was going to happen, or what I was supposed to say.  All I knew was that...I couldn’t be angry if it was him.  He’d done a lot for me, a lot more than he probably thought.  I wanted to treat him respectfully, even if he was acting like a spoiled asshole, and speaking to Anthony like he was trash.

The person I first came in contact with when I walked through the door that day though, would knock me off course completely.

She was just there...Jessica.  She was there at the desk, looking...so unlike herself.  She was dressed up, her hair was done, and she was wearing makeup.  If I didn’t have a constant vision of her in the back of my mind, I probably wouldn’t have recognized her.  But I would have recognized her anywhere, and it was so fucking...weird, that she’d landed herself a job working for Justin Timberlake.  The way I felt about her started to rush back at me as I stood there and stared at her.  How much I missed her, how much shit she’d gotten me through at Fort Hood.  I wanted to hug her or something but...it was just so awkward.  I knew she must have been fresh back from Afghanistan, and I didn’t know how much it had changed her, or if she even cared about me anymore.

“Hey.”

She didn’t look up from the paper she was writing on.  It was apparent to me that she was very busy, and I was sure it was Justin’s doing.  “If you’re from construction just have a seat.”

I smiled slightly.  “Jess...it’s me.”

She slowly looked up, and her eyes went as wide as I ever saw them.  “S-Sampson?”  She put her hands over her mouth.  

“Yeah.” I smiled a little.  “It’s...it’s great to see you.”

She didn’t smile back though, and when I saw her pick up the phone with a trembling hand, I could tell that my very presence had pushed her over the edge.  I could see it in her eyes...she wasn’t the same girl I’d mopped the floor with and confessed all of my deepest fears to.  She’d changed.  She was weak now, fearful of most things in the world.  Almost like I used to be, but not quite as extreme.

Afghanistan had made her that way. I started to feel sick to my stomach, knowing there wasn’t a thing I could say to comfort her then.

“He’ll be out in a minute.”  She said it after she put the phone down.  Then she stood up, grabbed her cigarettes and started to rush toward the door.

“Jess...wait a second.”

“I can’t.”  She barely paused, before she pushed herself through the door.

Then she was gone again.

It hurt, but didn’t destroy me.  I had to keep my head, because I was working to better my life.  I was looking at some small houses before we left for Dallas, and with the money Anthony promised me from the job, I realized I would be able to put a down payment on one when I got back.  It was a huge accomplishment for me, and I didn’t want anything to destroy my chances at a better life.  So when Justin walked out to greet me, I forced myself to stay civil, and focus on the good points about him rather than the bad business parts.  

I’m still sad though.  I don’t think I have a way to get back in touch with Jessica, and I would really like to say hello and thank her properly before I leave.  But...maybe she doesn’t want to talk to me.  Maybe she wants to be left alone.

Part of me is accepting that, but the other part is trying to give me that push, one that says she needs me more than she’s letting on, and that I can help her.

“How’s your mom doing?”

Dinner was delicious, reminded me of the hundreds of times I must have sat down to dinner at the Feldman’s house when I was in high school.  She cooks just like her mother, right down to the dinner rolls, and as I ate, the flavors took me back, reminding me of so much, so many good, wholesome memories, and I felt myself melting away into the evening.  I enjoyed her company, and the boys’ conversation.  They asked me a ton of questions, Davey more so than Austin.  Justin was right.  He’s not the same kid I remember, and I blame that on him getting older and more emotional as a teenager.

“I haven’t spoken to her.”  I lean back in the chaise lounge and gaze out at the luxurious pool.  “My dad doesn’t want me calling or coming around.  If he knew about Mark’s trip, there would probably be some kind of criminal case pending against me,” I laugh sadly.

“Oh.”

She’s silent as she stares down at her lap, and I know she feels bad for me.  But I don’t want her sympathy.  I mean, she doesn’t really know what I’ve been doing, that I’ve managed to push my parents aside to focus on myself.  “I’m getting through it, Babs.”

Weird as it is to call her that, I can’t stop myself.  It’s something that will always be a part of us, and she doesn’t seem to care either.

“Can I...ask you something, since we’re alone?”

I look at her for a long moment, afraid of what it is, but knowing that I owe her that much.  “Sure.”

“When you...did all of that...was it because of me?”

I stare at her, feeling the emotions bundle up inside of my stomach like a huge knot.  “No.  It was because I wouldn’t get help.  I was a jackass, Abbey.  I regret everything now...so much, but there’s some things I know I can’t fix.  Bad things happened. I made the choice about how I was going to deal with them, and had to sacrifice the relationship I had with my parents because of it.  I’m coping with that, little by little. Anthony got me involved with a good psychiatrist, and I’m doing better now.  I’m moving on, and seeing Mark over the holiday gave me another boost.  I’m thankful.  I hope Justin realizes what he’s done for me.”

“If he didn’t, you wouldn’t be sitting out here with me by yourself,” she scoffs.  “Believe me, he’s thankful for what you did for us too.  We both are.”

I nod slightly and gaze back out at the pool.  “I know.”

“Justin and I were thinking about going to Colorado for a week when the boys have off for spring break.  Maybe...you know...maybe you can come up too.”

“I don’t think so.”  I manage to look at her and force a smile.  “Thanks, though.”

“There’s still some time,” she pushes.  “Maybe you’ll reconsider.”

I shrug.  “Maybe.”

She’s silent.  She doesn’t believe me.

“Hey baby...sorry, Mason is doing that thing, you know...the one where he doesn’t stop crying.”

Justin is standing in front of us now, his baby girl in his arms, looking disheveled as ever.  I know it’s been a long couple of hours for him, inside that house with four kids to keep in line.  I feel bad for putting him through it, and quickly get up from the chaise lounge, preparing to leave so I don’t overstay my welcome.  “I better get going anyway.”

“How much longer are you going to be around?” Abbey questions after Justin kisses her on the mouth.  

I shrug and glance at Justin.  “Another few weeks.  We’re still renovating.”

He smiles sheepishly.  “No rush...sorry.”

“Well you should come to dinner again.”  She eyes Justin like she know how much pressure he’s been putting on Anthony.  “Definitely before you leave.”

“Yeah, that would be great.”  I smile at her.

There are tears in her eyes now, and I know she’s remembering so much.  She’s sorry about so much too, but I don’t want her to be sorry.  Not for me.  I don’t think, I just go up to her and wrap my arms around her body in a long hug.  I know Justin is standing right here with us, but I also know he gets it, and...I know Abbey needs this from me.  She needs to know that I’m not angry, and that I don’t resent her at all for what her life has become without me.  “I’ll see you soon.”  I smile as I finally pull away and give her cheek the smallest kiss, knowing that it’s not crossing the line.

“Bye Bray.”

Justin hands the baby off to her after a moment and smirks at me once she’s gone back into the house.  “Walk you out?”

I nod.  “Sure.”

We walk through the house, and Davey stops me before I can get back to the front door, clinging to my leg and telling me that he wants me to come back over soon.  I reassure him that I’ll make the trip, and ruffle his hair gently before Justin tells him it’s time for me to leave.  Then we’re finally outside, standing on the front steps, looking at each other.  

“Thanks for coming,” he says softly.  “I think Abbey need this.”

“She did.”

He shakes my hand, and when I pull it away, I find that he’s left something behind.  A piece of paper.  I gaze down at it, then back at him, before I pull it apart.

“You should call her.”

I stare down at the number, knowing who’s it is, and have no clue why Justin would be making this much of an effort to get me and his secretary talking again.  “Why?”

“Because she needs somebody, and I need a damn assistant that doesn’t lose her mind every day of the week,” he laughs.  “Just call her, okay?”

I shake my head a little, before cramming the paper into my pocket.  “It’s not that simple.”

“It’s simple enough to pick up the phone and call.  I’m not saying the conversation will be easy, Braeden.  I can tell that girl is fucked up everyday I see her at the office, but...maybe...you can understand her better than most, that’s all.  She needs a friend, and you’ve obviously been through something with her.”

He’s right but...but I just don’t think I could take it if she turns me down, even for a friendship.  After everything I’ve gone through, more heartache could mean disaster for me.  “I...I’m trying to get my life together, Justin.”

“Life involves risk,” he reminds me.  “I took one, and...it was hard, but it worked out, and it worked out partially because of you.  I want to repay you.”

“Mark was enough repayment.”

“He wasn’t.”

I look into his eyes again, and I can tell he truly feels this way.  He wants me to have a great life, just like he does, and feels that Jessica is the key.  But how can he know.  I mean, we were never physical.  We never kissed or anything, because of Abbey...

Or is that the only reason why we never did?

I think back on it and it’s just...crazy, that we could have been in love without every admitting that to each other.  But I know that...that my emotions may have stretched that far, and if I had been in my right mind back then, maybe I would have acted on those impulses, but I couldn’t focus on them then.  Her vision has been plastered in the back of my mind though, ever since I started to get my act together.  No longer do I see Abbey walking towards me, smiling and laughing.  I see her instead.  I’ve been thinking about her a lot more than I cared to admit to myself, and forced myself not to admit my feelings for her because I was scared.

But now Justin is forcing me to focus on the way I might feel about her.

“Do me this one favor, Braeden.  Just try.”

I sigh heavily.  “I...I guess I can call her.”

“Good.”  He slaps me on the shoulder.  “Stop by the office sometime.  We’ll do lunch, okay?”

He opens the door and I can immediately hear a baby wailing in the background.  “Sure.  You...you better go.”

“Yeah,” he laughs.  “Abbey will kick my ass if I don’t help her.  Can you find your way back?”

“I’m pretty good at navigating.”  I force a smile.

“Cool.  I’ll talk to you soon.”

He disappears inside, and I’m left standing there, with a crumpled piece of paper inside my pocket that is my one and only link to Jessica Mantieri. I wish I could ignore it, but Justin pointed out a ton of shit to me just now that makes me want to follow through, and...I guess I have something inside of me, telling me that I need to do this too.

I get into Anthony’s truck and smile when I see a basket on the passenger seat, filled to the top with dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, and chicken.  Abbey did it, and I know that...we’re good friends now.  Everything is starting to turn around for me.  Abbey being the first thing.  Now I guess it’s on to my family, if I can.  As I drive, I start to think about Abbey’s offer to join them in Brighton.  Maybe it’s not the worst idea.  If nothing else, I know her parents would accept my presence, and it might feel good to take in my hometown with fresh eyes, even if my parents won’t accept me.  

I get back to the hotel, and knock on Anthony’s door so I can give him his share of Abbey’s cooking.  He’s greatful, but also asks me if Justin has changed his tune.  He’s still pissed off about the way Justin has been ranting and raving about the renovation, and I honestly can’t blame him.  I do my best to reassure him that Justin will be a lot more mellow after tonight, and he gives me a skeptical look, but acts like he believes me.  He asks me to come in and watch some TV, but I tell him I’m too tired, that I’ll see him in the morning.

That’s a lie of course, but I won’t tell him the circumstances.  I haven’t told him about seeing Jessica yet, because I know he would nag me about talking to her until it drove me crazy.  I’ve told him about her of course.  He always tells me she’s the one that got away.

Thinking about that makes me laugh to myself when I get back in the privacy of my room.

Maybe he’s right.

I sit on the edge of the bed, my hand on top of the phone, staring down at the piece of paper.  Part of me is trying to talk myself out of doing this.  It tells me that I’m still a freak to some regard, and she won’t want anything to do with me.  But then...I feel that other part, the one that believes what Justin said.  That she needs a friend, and I’m the best candidate.  I think about all the nights we sat in that mess hall together, and just..talked.  I remember that I could cry into her and how she would hold me, tell me that she was right there and wasn’t going to leave.

Maybe I loved her then.

Maybe I always have from the moment we met.

But I just...I just don’t know.

I pick up the phone, forcing myself to punch in the numbers on the piece of paper.

It starts to ring.

I’m about to hang up by the third ring, realizing how fucking scared I am.

But then...

“Hello?”

She sounds a little groggy, and I know it’s only eight thirty.  It means she sleeps a lot.  That she’s depressed, and...I feel horrible automatically.  “Hey, Jess.”

“Who...who is this?”

“It’s Braeden.”

There’s a long pause.  I can picture her staring back at the phone in disbelief, not sure how I managed to get her number.

“Are you stalking me, Sampson?”

I let out a small laugh.  “No.”

“I thought I made it pretty clear that...that we can’t talk.”

“I just want to catch up.  Is that so bad?”

“How did you get my number?”

“I just...got it.”

“Did my boss give you my number?”

She’s freaking out.  I guess I should have expected this, but...it sucks.  I just want to be her friend right now.  It doesn’t have to be so damn complicated.  “Who cares how I got it? Jess...you’ve been gone for such a long time, and a lot of shit went down in both of our lives.”

“You’re married.  That means we shouldn’t be talking.”

I sigh heavily.  “I’m not married anymore.”

“You’re...you’re not...”

“It’s a long story,” I tell her, gently.  “That’s why I wanted to call you, so we could maybe talk.”

“I just...I just don’t....I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“I’m...bad luck, that’s all.”

It’s a breakthrough.  I doubt she’s said anything like this to anybody since she got back from country.  Something serious happened, and it’s affected her greatly.  I want to help but...that’s all up to her.  “You’re not bad luck, Jess.  You were always able to help me.”

“That was in the past.  I’m not the same person.”

“Neither am I.”

“I get an hour for lunch,” she says quickly.  “Tomorrow...I’ll give you that but...nothing else.  I just want to make sure you’re doing okay, because...I consider you a friend, I guess.”

“Fine.”  I smile.  Yes.  It might not be much, but it’s something.  It’s better than her hanging up on me, and I’ll make the best of that hour.  “Tomorrow it is.”

“Night.”

r32;The phone clicks off in my ear, and I feel myself grinning from ear to ear as I fall back onto the bed, gazing up at the ceiling, feeling something inside of me that I haven’t felt...in years.  That undeniable feeling you get when you know you’ve fallen hard for somebody.  I don’t want to jump to conclusions of course, get my hopes up only to be shot down by her, but for some reason I feel like I can push through her barriers...get her to see that she can better her life.

Once again, Justin is responsible for putting a little more happiness into my life, and I just don’t understand why.  It’s like some unwritten message from fate, telling me that it’s time to get rewarded for all I’ve endured.

I just hope I’m right.