Chapter Twenty-Two: Overcoming Adversity
When I was six I experienced the toughest test of my young life. It was the first time I actually hurt, the first time I was pained by something, the first time my heart ached. It was the loss of my pet, Roger, that caused it. I loved that fish with all my heart and until this day I remember what it looked like as though I was looking at it face to face. I remember the black spot on its tiny head and how his eyes looked into mine every time I’d glue my nose to its bowl. I remember getting into a little bit of trouble with my English teacher because of that beautiful fish. She insisted that drawing a fish to dot the I in my last name was not appropriate. She sent a note home to my parents with Brian one day, clearly not trusting me as though I was a bad kid and she was a good teacher. As if. She requested I stay an hour after school on that note which Brian guarded with his life, little shit. Ms. DeGraff claimed she would teach me the proper penmanship for a six year old. Seriously? I was six and obsessed with a goldfish! She could have given me a break. Needless to say, I had piano lessons after school the day she requested I stay. I remember my father handed me one of his pretty stationary envelopes the next morning before going to school with our driver, Harry. I don’t know what that note to my teacher said but I still wonder to this day. Ms. DeGraff didn’t say anything about the pictures of Roger on the assignments we did after that day, that’s for certain.
But that night, when I got home from my piano instructor’s house, Roger had passed away. It hurt so bad to learn that my pet, the fish my father had gotten for me, was gone. It was the hardest I’d ever cried in my short life.
But years past and that wound healed and being excused from school to be taken to California in the middle of semester to meet with a modeling company at the tender age of twelve, isn’t my second hardest emotional test, no. The day is clearly cemented into my brain and my heart which is why I don’t think I’ll ever forget the excitement of two preteen, tall, very tall, girls. My mother advised, not yelled, but advised us to shut the hell up a few too many times on the five hour flight. My father sat quietly working on countless papers and I even remember the suit he had on that day. But Barker and I were thinking on gracing the covers of high fashion magazines. I don’t have to mention that we may have been a bit full of ourselves during that trip, I guess. In the long run one of those anxious preteens, not at twelve, but at twenty would grace those very same covers we hoped to be on one day. I still smile at the happiness in Barker’s eyes when her dreams became reality and that cover of Vogue hangs proudly in my father‘s office. I am even prouder of her now as I was when we were twelve. That trip was the second hardest emotional test I experienced and I might actually have to say that it was tougher than Roger’s passing.
The meeting with the modeling company was what we both imagined, it was beyond what we imagined, actually. Two tall, very excited, twelve year olds’ wearing vintage gowns and high fashion items that we’d only seen on the runways of those shows my mother took us to. It was a complete dream for the both of us but I think Barker wanted it more, I think Barker deserved it more than I did. I was twelve, tall and gorgeous in most eyes but I much have rather been in school with the debate team. Don’t misconstrued my words, I liked acting in front of the camera, I liked the attention and I liked the challenge that came from modeling, but it was Barker’s true love. She was amazing at it, she still is. She could make you feel exactly what she was feeling in one snapshot and photographers adored her. She was awesome then and she’s unbelievable now.
But at the end of that meeting, when Barker and I sat across the agents with my mother and father by our sides, the bastards broke my heart. I remember choking back the tears, remember the pain in my heart. I remember asking them why, asking them what was wrong. And if my father didn’t call out my name for me to relax, I would have told them to go fuck themselves. I really would have then if it had been suitable behavior for a twelve year old. I turned to my best friend, my sister, to find that she was smiling that beautiful smile she has and it was directed at me. I lost it then, I cried. I cried as though my heart was shattered because it really was. I couldn’t believe it.
The modeling company wanted me.
Not the gorgeous girl next to me, who told me she was so happy for me. Who hugged me tight and congratulated me over and over again. I was torn apart by the situation and Barker will still tell me how stupid I was for what I did. How retarded, her words, I was for telling those idiot, blind agents to kiss my ass and to shove their contract up their ass. I didn’t care that my mother, a black woman, was red with embarrassment and that I would probably not be hired to model Band-Aids for Johnson & Johnson let alone Vogue Magazine. I didn’t care. I hurt so badly for my friend because I knew I had ruined her chance. It would be the longest flight I’d ever taken, it was the second hardest time I cried.
But years past and high school came and went, with tons of modeling jobs in between to heal those new wounds, courtesy of a smarter agency of course. And then the college years began and saying it was the hardest time I cried to date, ever, would be an understatement. College was and I guess when I think about it, will always be a turning point for me. It was a good part of my life, I enjoyed that first year. That year when all I was thinking about was what extra course I could squeeze into my jam packed life. When my every waking moment was dedicate to school and those modeling jobs Barker wouldn’t let me pass up. Those were good times. Great times.
But things got a bit more complicated as time went on and to think it all changed in one single night, it baffles me. Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out had I not given in to Barker’s need to do something that night. Had I not gone to a dirty bar and had I not agreed to stay to hear the band play.
It was late for me, it had been a day filled completely to the hilt with school and a modeling job that just drained me. Maybe I should have stayed in my apartment, maybe I should have gone to bed. Maybe.
But I didn’t.
I didn’t because that one little voice in my head kept telling me that I needed to have some fun. Oddly enough, it was my father who instructed Barker, in a stern voice, to make me enjoy myself. Funny, how things turn out, right? As I usually did, I followed Barker out of the door, leaving behind who I once were unbeknownst to me. And while I’m comfortable with whom I am now, I doubt I would have accomplished what I have in my life, had I not walked out of that door. But I did and I made decisions that helped shape my life to what it is now. A whirlwind of what ifs.
That night, I fell head over heels in lust with a guy that would eventually shatter my entire world, my very perfect existence.
Not only did I let Barker drag me into that bar that night, I voluntarily spent weeks there, sticking out like a sore thumb. A one of a kind diamond lost in a pawn shop, was one of the many comments I heard around campus. I didn’t care then and I wouldn’t care now what people thought or think of me. That hasn’t changed, obviously. In part, I have to thank those people who made those comments, ‘friends’ of mine who looked down on me for wanting to spend my free time at that bar. Everything must come full circle, they say and for me in that aspect it has. It is why I’ve volunteered my time and my hard earned money to charities whom I feel mean something.
But perhaps they were a little bit right, maybe I was lost in that grungy place as they looked from the outside in. But looking into that lead singer’s eyes helped me find my way, whether it was a good way or a bad one, would come later.
It took some time for that lead singer to notice me and the falling in love part didn’t happen over night. Nothing happened for quite some time, actually. I remember sitting toward the back of the grungy place, most of the time with a water bottle in my hand and I didn‘t even know his name. I wondered what he was about and wondered what was behind those beautiful blue eyes that shined in the darkened place. I wondered how his eyes could shine so brightly in that sad place. And I wondered why he looked almost taken aback by my presence. I can’t say that band he played with was any good, the drummer was a stoner and the bass player looked like something out the pits of hell. But then again, they all looked that way, yet I was drawn by the dark man who looked at me as though I was lost. Maybe it was true, maybe I didn’t belong there but one thing was for sure. That one night when bumping into him accidentally near the men’s bathroom, our eyes connected and our hearts followed. As cheesy as it may sound, it was instantaneously. It hit me so hard, I nearly fell over with complete and utter need for this man. It was a connection that until just recently, I thought I’d never feel again. His name was Jared and we connected that night, heart, body and soul.
And I became disconnected from myself.
I spend every waking moment with him after that night as though he‘d been part of my entire life, part of me. I devoted those days in which I would have been in front of a camera to this man. I remember having run out of excuses to tell my modeling agency and simply not showing up to my scheduled shoots. Funny how now, in my profession, I frown upon the kind of person I’d become back then. But you live and you learn. You love and hurt. You make decisions and mistakes follow. You suffer and others around you suffer.
Barker and I were the first to suffer from my sudden change of life.
The connection that I had with the love of my life, made the relationship with my best fiend, my sister, strain to almost the breaking point. She and I argued about him constantly and there were times when weeks would pass before I’d hear from her. She’d leave to do a photo shoot overseas or back to New York without a single word to me. I can’t deny that it hurt tremendously to have her upset with me. I’m a sucker for Barker and I guess I always will be. But he was there then, when she was not and it was convenient to just set our arguments aside and deal with them later. The last argument we had in regards to my boyfriend wasn’t any different than the other times. She’d claimed he was using me and the financial stability that I came with. As if, right? I was in love and accusing my best friend of being jealous was far more uncomplicated than admitting that she was right. She insisted that I was obsessed with my boyfriend and that although she could strangle me for being so stupid, she’d by my side when he stabbed me in the back. I should have listened. Could of, should of, would of, life is all about the what-ifs you encounter in the time you’re granted by God to be on this earth. What ifs.
Barker wasn’t the only aspect of my life that was suffering, my education suffered as well. Don’t get me wrong, I did earn passing grades, enough to get through but that was it. Instead of joining other activities on campus, I dropped the ones that were simply an option. Slowly but surely I dropped the days in which I would socialize with those people whom thought I was crazy for claiming to love the ‘piece of trash’ I called my boyfriend. I didn’t care though, because when those people turned their heads and forgot I existed, they were too late, I’d already left them behind. I’d left myself behind as well, I’d become a different person all together.
A few weeks went by and the more time I spent with Jared, the more I loved him. He truly made me happy, or what I thought happiness was at that time. Right now, I’m finding that happiness doesn’t come from a text book and there isn‘t a final thesis to write about it. Happiness is what you make of it. Happiness is what I chose when my father came to see me at that very hole in the wall bar, my place of employment, a few months later. When my father gave me the choice of transferring to another school at another state without my beloved boyfriend or staying and losing his respect, you can guess what the choice was. What if I’d chosen differently? What if?
I didn’t cry about my father’s harsh words. I didn’t look back when I walked out of the Dean’s office at my Ivy League University after dropping out. I didn’t flinch when the notice of eviction was posted on my apartment’s door. I found a way to get comfortable in that small apartment with Jared’s family without regret. I didn’t cry when my modeling agency dropped me and working at that bar would be my only means of eating and surviving. I didn’t cry because I had him with me and it was all that mattered to me. How naïve.
Sometimes I think about what would have been had I not let my curiosity take control of my actions. But it’s too late for that, I realize.
It wasn’t until a few weeks later that Jared came into the small kitchen in that crowded apartment, that my life took an even sharper turn. Aside from being the front man of that awful band, Jared was an aspiring actor. I should have known better, I should have known that when he told me he’d gotten a part in a pilot being shot in Los Angeles, it would be the end of my happiness. He went on and on about some random show called, My So-called Life and how it was the opportunity of a lifetime for him. I was genuinely happy for him, I really was, honest to God. But as we scraped for money and packed our things, I knew something was wrong. Something dark came over our heads and loomed in the distance.
Hollywood.
Courtesy of Barker’s credit card and her disapproval, we went to Los Angeles. And courtesy of the production company we stayed in a small studio apartment near Studio City. The first few days of shooting this odd and dark show went well. The director loved Jared alongside the strange looking red-head named Claire. I was so proud of him for getting through his jitters and for taking direction so well. He truly was amazingly talented and I wished only the best opportunities for him. And those opportunities came with invitations to dinner with cast members. Invites to parties full of people with a way ‘into’ the business. But those events, those parties, those opportunities came with a price. They often came with an invitation for one. And I didn’t mind staying in that studio apartment, alone every night, because he was fulfilling his dreams. The dreams that he’d share with me while laying in bed at night. The dreams that made my own take second fiddle. He’d made it to Hollywood and he wasn’t going back.
I was by his side when the show’s pilot aired and I was by his side when it got picked up by a major network. But by his side I was not, when he walked out of that studio apartment, headed for another party. Another night of meeting people who would help his career. Meeting people that encouraged him to dress differently and people who fed him hopes of becoming an Oscar winning actor in the future. And the person who believed in him, who was proudest of him, the person who’d given up their life for him, stayed behind, missing him and loving him. I stood by his side, I was the only one there for him but I’d had enough. Barker came to rescue me, a few weeks later with the company of my father.
He didn’t say much to me that night, he simply stood by the door as I turned and gathered my stuff. I don’t know why I didn’t question why they were there. I don’t know why I couldn’t say anything to either one but I knew that it was time to go. It was time to stop believing that Jared would come through the door and everything would be good again. I just knew that my heart was breaking by the minute as I walked out of that apartment building. But I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. I couldn’t walk away from him like he did those nights after making love to me, headed for another Hollywood extravaganza. I spoke to my father then, asking him to drive to that ritzy hotel where I knew Jared was. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Maybe I should have gone home and left everything the way it was. But I walked into that hotel with Barker and going into that grand ballroom hadn’t been necessary to find Jared.
My once dark and grungy boyfriend was before me, clad in a tuxedo and kissing another woman like he just merely hours had been kissing me. At the time, I hadn’t recognized the woman in his arms and frankly I wish I never had.
Hollywood had stolen my man, Hollywood had taken a hold of his genuinely good heart and it had corrupted him enough to destroy our love. He’d let it rule his life within weeks and he’d towed my heart through it and left me gasping for air. He’d ripped my heart out and handed it back to me without a blink of those beautiful blue eyes. It would be the third time in my life, that I would cry. And it would be my father’s shoulder that I would rest my head on although he never spoke a word to me. I was going home.
The months that followed were probably the most heartbreaking days of my entire life. Jared never called, simply accepted that I was gone. Just like that.
I barely left my room in that mansion at the Hamptons, mainly because I was ashamed of what I’d become. I’d let ‘love’ blind me ad steer me toward the wrong direction. But one afternoon my father, who avoided me for months, stopped by my room. Barker and I had been shocked to have him knocking on the door but we both looked at him with respect and adoration like we always did. He said eight words to me that day. You’re not going to accomplish anything in here. And he dropped a large envelope on my bed before walking out of my room. When I think about it now, it was all so dramatic, so movie-like. When Barker smiled at me and squeezed my hand before following my father out of my room, I knew she knew what was inside that envelope.
Columbia University.
I’d never questioned my fathers ability to get things done, to get what he wants and I didn’t question him then. I didn’t ask him how he’d managed to transfer me from colleges and how he’d managed to have the Dean of my other school write a recommendation letter. It simply was, what it was. And that day I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I stopped thinking that my broken heart was the only thing left in me. I got my life back together, I moved back to the city and I began a fresh course, in life and in school.
A few years after that, I had a Management’s Degree and an interview with Naomi Campbell’s people. And although working with this woman was tough , it was the challenge of doing it that kept me by her side for years. I learned a lot about the modeling business pool, while keeping my feet right in there as well. My modeling jobs changed from random fashion magazines to a lot of charity work. I learned to manage time and a schedule filled with Naomi Campbell’s needs. Saying she’s the biggest diva in the world would be a complete understatement. But I am proud to admit that she is one of my dearest friends. I survived her all those years and that’s top notch for anyone.
But I became bored with it. I needed something else.
When I gave the news to my father that I’d quit my job, he had this blank expression on his face. I don’t know what he’d been thinking but I knew that I didn’t want to see it again. I felt small and ashamed of even the biggest accomplishments in my life. I became obsessed with having my father be proud of me, and having my father’s respect was all I could think of. Making my father proud would become the dark cloud that lingers over me till this very day.
I modeled exclusively for a large charity organization for almost a year before my father visited me in my new condo in the city. He hadn’t brought my mother along, but he didn’t come alone. I hadn’t seen Uncle Johnny in ages, mainly keeping in touch through emails and yearly family photos. At first, I’d felt bombarded with all the information Uncle Johnny had been dishing out. He’d explained a position at his management company that he knew I’d be great at. I obviously can’t deny that it was a great opportunity and the need to do something different was tickling at my toes. But the decision factor came when my father said to Johnny, not me, that I’d be great at it.
I knew after those words that I had to delve into the entertainment business, courtesy of my Uncle Johnny, because someway somehow, I could make my father proud. I was ready then.
But what I wasn’t ready for, was Justin Timberlake.
I wasn’t expecting the man who was barely awake in my first staff meeting to be driving me home from a meeting that would help shape the rest of my life. I never imagined that I would find myself dreading the day in which I would be terrified to see my family. Never imagined that Justin Timberlake would help me get through it without losing my mind. I’ve avoided my family like a plague, and I am ashamed of myself for it but I can’t say I would have been able to walk into that room, had Justin not been there. I couldn’t have looked at my mother in the eyes and told her that everything would be alright if he hadn‘t been there to reassure me of that fact. My father is gone and while nothing will ever be the same, Justin makes me feel as though everything will be okay. Isn’t that the most ridiculous notion in the world? Justin Timberlake, my saving grace.
I’ve only briefly talked to Barker prior to engaging in the tightest hug know to man kind outside my father’s lawyer’s office. I’ve felt a void in my heart where she rests and I’m embarrassed to call myself her best friend. I purposely ignored her calls and those of them that I answered lasted mere minutes before excusing myself to attend a nonexistent meeting. I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve that smile and kiss she gave me after that hug and I don’t deserve the worry in her eyes for me.
I’m truly sorry for my distance from my family and the added hurt I must have been causing them. I really am. But I couldn’t face them, I couldn’t face them knowing that they counted on me. No one had to show me or tell me that I would become the backbone to this family, it was a weight dropped on my shoulder the minute my father was six feet under. And the saddest part about it is how I’m supposed to keep them up while barely standing on solid ground myself. How do I do that? How do I fill shoes only one person could wear? How do I become my father, when I couldn’t even make him proud?
I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m being forced to face the reality of things.
“What are you thinking?”
“Everything,” We’re nearing the Justin’s gated community and I wonder how many of those vultures with cameras will make it beyond the gates with us.
“Do you want to talk about that everything?” I turn my face away from the window to look at him to find that sincere mile he gives when he’s worried and trying to make me feel better. It’s not a smile of pity, that I have learned, it’s a reassuring smile and I can’t help but smile back when it does just that. Sometimes I wonder if the man reads up on book on how to make women swoon at his every move. But I doubt he has time to breathe let alone read.
“I don’t really fell up to talking about sad stuff tonight,” it’s taking a lot for me to speak this way, this open. A few months ago I would have told him to mind his business and to fuck off, that’s for sure. But a few months ago I would have been hiding from myself, avoiding any contact with actual emotions. He did this to me. Justin.
“No sad stuff. Check,” he says and I can see his jaw clench a bit when one of the vultures who happens to have scored ‘friends’ in the gated community follows behind us in the car. “What would you like to do tonight?”
“Don’t you have a meeting with Jive?”
“I’ll call Johnny and…”
“Don’t, Justin. Go to your meeting, I’ll be fine.” I appreciate that he wants to stay as close to me as possible, but I will not let him use me as an excuse not to work. I won’t. “I’m sure it’s important and I’ll probably be bad company anyway. Don‘t skip out on work because of me.”
“You’re right,” his response makes me smile because no matter how I’m feeling, being told that I’m right still makes me tingle. It’s the only bit of self confidence I still have.
“I’m always right,” he looks at me with a bored depression that makes my lips twitch. He’s a really good actor, he looks serious and not impressed with my response.
“You’re right, I shouldn’t skip out on work because of you,” he reaches for the garage door opener above his head and looks at me and I can see the twinkle in his eye even in the darkened car. “I’m skipping out on work because of me.”
“Really?” I ask as I step out of the car and follow him to the door into the kitchen.
“That’s right,” he says as he takes my briefcase from my hand and enters the house. I watch as he bypasses his security pad by the entryway and continues to walk further into the house. “I’m skipping out on a meeting to hangout with them. Totally not about you.”
I obviously must have missed cars on the way inside the garage because I would have noticed that Barker’s car was outside the house. I also missed the luggage by the kitchen door because I almost trip over them and I round the kitchen wall. Trace, Joanna, Rachel and Barker are sitting in front of the TV, popcorn on their laps and they are staring at me with wide smiles.
“It’s about time!!” Trace says obnoxiously loud.
“My ear, you ass!!” Joanna grunts and smacks him on the chest before smiling at me.
“Welcome to movie night, Ms. Martinez,” Justin whispers in my ear before kissing the side of my head. “I did promise no sad stuff.”
“Thank you,” I say and I don’t care that people in the room are staring, I kiss his lips softly.
“Oh alright already,” Barker says throwing pop corn at our heads. “Can we watch the movie already? Where did you take her to dinner, Justin? Memphis? Geez!”
“Why are you friends with her again?” Justin asks making sure Barker heard him.
“Hey!” she protests loudly, throwing more popcorn toward his face. “She’s on a loan to you Trousersnake, don’t push it.”
“You didn’t just say that word?” Trace says laughing and Joanna covers her face with a pillow to stop from being seen laughing at poor Justin, who is completely red in the face.
“This is why I’m friends with her,” I say as I caress his red face, before kissing his lips quickly and jumping on the couch with Barker.
“Please take those shoes off, V! You’re stabbing me!” Barker says as we both collapse to the floor in a fit of laughter.
I don’t know what we’re laughing about but all I know is that it feels good to laugh. It feels good to have that release and it feels even better when I catch a glimpse at Justin and he’s sitting on the edge of the couch watching me with love in his eyes.
Thank you for movie night, Justin.
This is not the fourth time I would cry…
LoveStoned by Lynn
Story Tags: interracial wallsex celebrityj enemiesturnedlovers
