18 days ago 

Justin ran down the crowded terminal. He seemed to always be in an airport, going somewhere. An appearance, an interview, a shoot, or a meeting – they all kept him from home. But this time he was running to the gate because he made a last minute decision. Love was keeping him from home tonight. 

Against everyone’s wishes he didn’t show up for his day of tour rehearsals. Kick off was in eighteen days. For a day, the dancers and the band could all rehearse without him. 

There used to be a time when he was always this spontaneous. But over time, he developed certain needs. Like, he planned out a schedule, down to the last minute of each day for the next eighteen days. He was a perfectionist and it was his nature to schedule everyone’s time, down to the breaks. He wanted his return to the stage to be perfect, and in order for it to be at his level, he needed to rehearse until perfection is reached. 

When he had gotten in his car this morning and entered the freeway, he’d driven with a purpose – passing exit by exit, including the one he was supposed to take. Instead, he found himself taking the exit to the Los Angeles International Airport.  He doesn’t know where his head was, but he took it as a sign, left a message for the individuals that needed to know, and he purchased a ticket, heading to see Nyla. He knew he couldn’t stay for an extended time but he just needed to see her. The pressures of the album, the tour, the music, the world, they were overwhelming. He needed to feel her in his arms. He needed her before he took on his challenge. He needed her to save him. 

So there he was, running, full on sprinting down the terminal, weaving through the throngs of people with their luggage, seeing his gate in the distance. 

“Final boarding call for Flight 1776 to San Francisco…” 

He heard the announcement, he could see the gate but he wasn’t close enough. His pace began to quicken and finally he arrived, out of breath and nearly tossing the boarding pass to the attendant. He was really doing this. He knew he was taking a chance at screwing everything up in his path, but something told him in the depths of his being he needed to go see her. 

His excitement didn’t settle as the plane touched down, and he found himself in the car rental counter. And it tripled as his rental cruised down Beale Street towards her high rise.  

I need to go visit home, he made a mental note, seeing the street sign as he turned the corner. Finally, he pulled into her parking garage, and found the guest spot beside her designated spot. 

Her spot was empty, which he expected would be. She was never home before 5 o’clock. 

Entering the condo, he knew he wanted to surprise her. Spend one last night with her before all the craziness began. Taking his place behind her cherry wood desk, he knew her routine. The first thing she would do is check her e-mail. Even though she just left the office, her OCD with success made her check just to make sure she hadn’t missed anything in the drive home. 

Two photographs lined the desk, housed in simple and elegant frames. First, a photo of Nyla and Nola on their celebratory vacation to Cabo San Lucas after graduation. Drink in hand, their faces youthful and joyful, and their smiles radiant. He loved Nyla’s relationship with her twin. They really seemed one and the same. 

The second photo a photo of himself and Nyla. It wasn’t a professional photo shot, it wasn’t even a photo taken with a camera. It was those film strip photos from a mall photo booth. Two crazy photos, one super sweet shot of him kissing her forehead, and the last photo, of the two of them, just staring into each other’s eyes.  

They had one copy of that film strip and it rest upon her desk. 

The photo sent butterflies through his stomach, instantly causing him to want to write down words, phrases, lines that were running through his head. 

I hope I’m on your mind. 

A simple line illustrated his every sentiment when he was away. She held his trust and his loyalty, so he could only hope that he stayed at the forefront of her world. 

He always left her silly post-its around the condo whenever he came to visit. And, his favorite part was when she called to tell him that she found his note. Sometimes it would take her days, sometimes only a few hours. He opened the drawer on the left side of the desk, no paper.  

He check drawer after drawer, no luck. 

“Ny, how is this an office with no paper?” he chuckled, talking aloud and continuing his search. He’d settle for a piece of scratch paper, a napkin even. Anything. 

His hand reached for the center drawer, finally revealing a single white sheet of paper.Victory. With a smile on his face, he reached for her favorite purple pen to write down that simple line he couldn’t get out of his head. 

As he pen wrote down the words, he realized it wasn’t a blank sheet of paper. Worried he wrote on something he shouldn’t have, he turned the paper over. It wasn’t something he shouldn’t have written on. Instead, he was something he shouldn’t have found. The purple letter head taunted him. 

He lost feeling in his fingers, and his mouth went dry.  There was thunder in his ears, but he knew his heart had stopped beating. There was no air left in his lungs. There was a slow burn that had begun in his chest. It was consuming him. At a slow crawl, he felt the burn behind his eyes. The words were a blur. Reality was a blur. But, the cracks in his heart were clear. 

**** 

Nyla strolled through her door, kicking off her heels at the door, dropping her bag onto the table. She was stretching her neck, trying to release the stress of her workday when his scent tickled her nose. It was that overwhelming blow-me-away scent of the man she loved.  

She stood in the moment, letting the moment consume her. It’d been almost two weeks and his scent still lingered. Like last week, she’d found his shirt in her closet and she’d fallen asleep wrapped in the memory of his warmth. 

She missed him. She really missed him. 

Shaking her head clear, she made her way further inside the condo. A shiver ran down her spine, and her eyes instantly sought for the temperature reading on the wall. With lithe fingers, Nyla adjusted the thermostat; it was freezing. The way it always felt when Justin was there. He loved it cold. Countless times he would make a statement saying there was always a reason to cuddle if the air-conditioning was just right.  

They never needed a reason, but it was his story and she let him tell it as big or as great as he wanted. 

Her smile radiated at just the thought of him, and she aimlessly slid open the door of her office. 

As the door opened fully, the owner of her thoughts was revealed, the man she wanted to see so badly. Her smile widened seeing him sitting at her desk, light very low, radiating the glow of the cherry wood. His face wasn’t happy. But, it wasn’t sad either. It was unreadable. It was blank. Not a trace of emotion in his eyes, in his brow, or his lips. 

In the alternate universe of his wild imagination, Justin though he would’ve been smooth when she walked in the door. She would be ecstatic, and he would play cool. But, in inside, his heart would leap into his throat and his arms would scoop her up. Or maybe she would rush to him and climb atop him on the plush office chair, but instead it was dead silent. Everything was different. 

Nothing would ever be the same – again. 

She took a step forward, her excitement quickly burning out. If only he would look her in the eye, then she would know what was going on. And, she could make it all better. Right? 

He must’ve heard her silent thoughts because in that instant, his eyes found hers. And she knew. She knew what was killing him from the inside out. She knew what lain in front of him in his shaky hands. 

“Just-” Nyla’s voice broke. 

But she didn’t have to finish anything because Justin’s subtle head shake silenced her. His eyes shut, and his brow furrowed. He didn’t want to hear her. Not just yet.

“I was looking for something to write on, for one of those silly notes I leave you, you know? And I was thinking, how can this possibly be an office if you have no paper around? You should really work on that, you know. So, being the snoopy snoop that I am, I was digging around, and I found this. Thought it was blank, and then I saw it wasn’t.” 

He paused, swallowing the thick knot lodged in his throat. He could be a grown-up about this. He was sure there was a very good reason for this. “Shit, I hope I hadn’t written on your work. But, this isn’t your work. I mean, this is against all your work. So, please, I beg you, please, tell me what this is?” 

His hand rose to silence her when her lips parted, “I mean I am pretty sure I know what it is, what it says, and what this means you have done or planned on doing… but tell me, please tell me you haven’t done this?” 

“Justin… I…” 

“Nyla.” His palms slammed the top of the cherry wood, a loud crack bouncing off. “Tell me you didn’t...” 

“We didn’t want this… this would have ruined our plans… you didn’t want…” she rambled, her fingers reaching out for him as her legs stiffly moved towards him. But, he took two steps back increasing the space between him and the desk and her. 

“I didn’t want what?” Justin painfully spoke, his lips white with anger. “This is something we decide together, Nyla. I get a choice.” He pounded his fingers on his chest, feeling his legs beneath him begin to weaken. 

“No, Justin, this was my choice.” She declared, her hands grasping her chest. “There is no decision to make.” 

“No, Nyla! I had a choice! I had a fucking choice! And you didn’t give me a chance! You didn’t give it a chance! Damn you, Nyla! I had a choice!” 

And, just like that, standing in front of her, the man that she loved, shattered. If this were a movie, he would be crumbling like a sand castle in a storm. She watched his heart fall from his chest, roll on the floor, and bleed at her feet. She lost count of the tears spilling from his eyes, and she wished she could have blocked the sound of his sobs choking him. His lips trembled, and his chest boomed as his hand repeatedly pounded it. 

“This was my…” His voice broke, feeling the pain of the words. He couldn’t say it. 

Nyla reached out to take his hand, only for him to pull back quickly. “Don’t touch me.” he barked. “Don’t fucking touch me.” His hands went up stopping her, back away even further. 

“Don’t ever fucking touch me!”