Questioning Myself
I open my journal and begin writing, only able to pen the following thoughts and emotions:
'Every smile you see
Is faked when you look at me
I’m laughing about what you say about her
Within me my emotions always stir
I know she’s lucky cuz she’s got you
Telling you everything is something I have to do
I can’t keep everything to me anymore
I feel like crying every time you walk out the door
When you’re mad at me
It’s my emotions I want you to see
I try not to shelter but not to expose my heart
It’s why I choose my words so carefully, to keep from falling apart
I hide my shattered soul from the world today
My heart is broken & the pain won’t go away
Shattered soul & broken hearted, I turn to you now
You make it hurt less somehow
I don’t know how you make me laugh every time
After time with you, I feel just fine
Even though my heart breaks a little more
It’ll never change who I adore
I can’t lie to you, not at all
It seems that you’re the only one to catch me when I fall
It’s in you I feel I can confide
But my feelings I can never hide
Why are these emotions torturous?
From my heart, mind and soul, I need to remove the dust
You brought out the best in me
The kind of things, for so long, I haven’t seen
All I can do is thank you for your caring nature'.
I close it and slip it between the cushion and frame of the chair I'm on, cuddling to Nick. Yes, I'm a comfort cuddler. We can cuddle and have no emotions involved or have anything happen. What people don't know, won't kill them and isn't their business anyway. I know I put up a good front for everyone, but I'm putty when it comes to him. He'll always have a big part of my heart after everything we've shared and been through, he has seen me through one of my worst moments and some of my best. I lay back down, my head on his chest and fall back to sleep for however long until Fatima and Brett come to get us up for rehearsals. I watched the Boys rehearse and kept talking to Nick when they had breaks for the three days following the demon incident. I would lean back on him and he'd put his arm around me, talking about anything and everything that came to mind. No matter what, I'm going to try not to let my emotions get the best of me and give in to his wants or my desires. Awhile later, Fatima comes in and wakes us without missing a beat. She scratches my head and I peek at her through one eye, stretching after standing up. "Thanks for not being a pain," she says, hugging me.
"Hate mornings," I tell her, yawning
"Should I leave you to wake this one?" she inquires, thumbing toward Nick.
"Sure, I'll wake him after my shower," I say, a mischievous grin on my lips. She nods and leaves. I hurriedly take a shower and instead of wrapping my hair in a towel or drying it, I stand over him and wring out my hair to wake him up.
He bolts upright and rolls his eyes at me, wiping his eyes. "You know you fell asleep long before me?"
"Well, can you blame me?"
"No. I spoke to my girlfriend and she said we're in an off stage right now." He's almost too calm and it worries me.
He grabs me by the hips and pulls me on top of his lap, kissing me passionately. "Nick, we have to get to rehearsal," I say softly, resting my head on his shoulder.
"We have a meeting with Johnny, Fatima and the Boys first, then we rehearse. It's the week you have to give us your final decision," he informs me.
"It's been five weeks since I was given the proposition?" He nods to confirm the fact. "Shit! I haven't decided yet."
"Would you be ok with taking it?"
"I could use the money to become independent-maintain my car, get my own place, pay all my bills and afford college."
"Sounds like a plan," he says, smiling gently.
"I suppose I can take it. About the girlfriend thing, how long have you been in an off stage?"
"A couple days."
"Every other time?"
"Off stage."
"Ok."
He lays me back, hovering over me and runs his hands through my hair to soothe my frayed nerves. "You know I'm getting tired of pretending to hate you," he says, kissing me again.
"I am too."
"AJ is suspicious," he warns me.
"Well, Brian's not brain dead and Kevin's probably wondering where we've disappeared to every time."
"AJ said the punch had too much emotion in it, setting his suspicions on fire and he keeps asking me if we're playing around."
"Nick, VMAs, movie awards, Grammys and the other times we've disappeared at things like that."
"Heh, and I've pulled it off no problem."
I swear he has no problem with it all, no conscious, no guilt. "I said I needed to think about something or get some fresh air."
My cell buzzes on the little coffee table and I lean over to check the ID before answering. "An gá dom do comhairle, cosúil le ceart anois ag an nóiméad beacht!" I greet my best friend.
"About what?" his deep voice responds, followed by a small chuckle.
"Ar chóir dom turas agus rince le Nick? Do thoil, deartháir mór is fearr leat, cabhrú liom!" I start to calmly freak out, Nick's interest being piqued once he realizes I'm talking about him.
"Why not? It could help reverse the damage that had been done," he tells me.
"Oh God! Má tá tú ... Slí amháin nó slí, tar éis an fright tá muid, erm, níos dlúithe. Tá sé curtha tosaithe cheana féin ar a shocrú." I'm going to suggest something and try not to give it away. "Cad a tharlaíonn má deireadh muid suas codlata nó ag dul le chéile arís? Ní féidir liom seasamh go bhfuil shattered mo chroí arís aige!" I argue.
"Um, if it happens, sorry. You told me how you honestly feel when it concerns him," he truthfully tells me. "Maybe the next time will prove what you know or reveal what you don't see yet," he observes.
I sigh. "So what do you suggest? A good portion of the steps have us close and some are graphically sexual."
"Take him up on it."
"If I end up hurting again, I'm beating your country ass. When does your tour end?"
"Late April."
"Late April, as in?"
"April 25."
"Oh, ok. I'll be back in Orlando the day after."
"Where are you going to be before that?"
"Tampa with the Carter clan." I push Nick backward, forcing him to lay under me as I sit straddling his hips.
"How long?" he questions, concern dripping through his end of the phone line to mine.
"Two weeks," I respond, feigning annoyance while smiling at Nick.
"Well, I hope you don't kill him in the process."
"Same here." I grind on his lap, his eyes go wide and he mouths that I'm being unfair. I smile smugly at him and continue to tease him.
I kiss him, failing at trying not to let James hear it. "Who did you just kiss?"
"I gave someone a kiss on the cheek," I tell him, being cryptic.
"Who?"
"Aaron," I lie, smiling.
"I have to go," he tells me, sounding hurried.
"Later, James," I say, sticking my tongue out at Nick before I hang up and put it in my pocket. I look into his eyes and widen mine, a teasing smile creeping across my face as I grind on him one last time before getting up and running for the back door. "I'll meet you at rehearsals!" I shout back to him.
I get to rehearsal and both choreographers' eyes bore into me and I can feel it. "Girl, where is Nick?"
"You said wake him up so I wrung my hair out on his face," I say with a smile. "He's getting out of the shower in five and will be here in ten." I turn to Brett and put one hand on my hip while the other points at him. "What's your crisis?"
"That your seconds away from being late to rehearsals and I don't even allow Aaron to be anything past on time," he chastises.
I look at Aaron, Fatima and the other four Boys with a glare that expresses how exasperated I am about that. "I'll keep that in mind," I say as facetiously as possible, an eye roll following right after.
Aaron, AJ and Landon laugh at my behavior. Fatima crosses her arms at me, scowling at me and has a 'don't even try it' glare in her eyes. "Jazz," she warns and curls her finger as she looks at me, beckoning me to go to her.
I walk over and know not to get her mad because she won't hesitate to make me do extra warm-ups and cool down exercises. "What's up, 'Tima?" I question cautiously.
"Quit with your attitude and we're just waiting for Johnny before we can start this meeting before knocking out rehearsals." Nick sneaks in and both of us catch him out of the corner of our eyes. "You're lucky you got here before Johnny," she tells him, glaring.
Nick and I share an 'oops' look and shrugs. She motions us to leave her alone for the time being. Nick and I walk next to each other over to the Boys and Aaron's crew. "I tried to buy you some time, saying you were heading in the shower when I left," I inform him.
"It's ok, beautiful. It must have been enough because she didn't bite my head off."
"Let's get this meeting under way," Johnny orders as he comes into the rehearsal hall.
Nick and I plop down on one of the couches next to each other. "Oh, shit, here we go," he mutters just for me to hear, making me snigger at his comment.
"Looks like you two have gotten chummy again," Johnny observes the obvious.
"After what happened a few weeks ago, what do you expect?" I remark, crossing my arms.
He raises his brows in concern, but shrugs it off for now. "What's your final decision about dancing for the Boys?"
"Yes, it's filled." I'm in full business mode now. "All terms and stipulations will be met?"
"I have looked over them all and noticed that the final draft of them that I got a few days ago, overlooked the Nick stipulation."
"Yes, we have begun to mend our friendship."
AJ's eyes open as wide as possible after blinking as he stares at me. "Whaaaattt?"
"He saved my life." I don't allow my eyes to move from Johnny's. "Back to business. Are the rest of the conditions agreeable?"
"Yes, we have already began to prepare for those specific ones. Do you really want to either room with whom you've chosen or have adjoining rooms?"
"Yes. Final draft means final choices."
"I also had Max and Denniz look over what you asked to be looked over and they agreed they would give you around 30% of anything potentially profited from those songs."
"Sounds fair. Do they need a demo?"
"They said it would be preferred."
"They will have it in the next two months."
"All the hotels we have reservations at have your requests for rooms and accommodations."
"Are they able to comply?"
"With most of what you want, yes. We can discuss the minor details and complications in a personal meeting."
"Then I'm satisfied with my contract and will sign it."
Johnny smiles and hands me a copy for me to sign. I read it over word for word, signing it once I saw that nothing that wasn't agreed on or discussed wasn't snuck into it. I hand it back and smile, knowing it's only for their
Millennium tour. "Here's your tour schedule, set lists for Aaron and the Boys, your passes for everything and Gary will be your assigned security personnel throughout the tour," he tells me, handing me a bunch of papers stapled together, lanyards with cards in protective covers and a strange smirk on his face.
He quickly leaves and I look at everyone. "What? If two separate tours didn't kill me, then neither will this."
"Plus college?" Papa inquires.
"Plus that. I was in high school for a whole year, bounced between two tours, dated Nick, and dealt with everything that came with it."
"You are out of your mind!" Brian exclaims, pointing at me.
"Thanks for noticing." I turn my blue orbs from his to Nick and AJ, who are preoccupied with whispering about something.
Nick turns to look at me and smiles as innocently as possible. "What?" he asks cautiously.
"You know not to piss me off."
"Why would I do that when we just started talking?" Of course he just has to cock his head to the side.
"Anyway, we have to start rehearsing. So let's knock out Aaron's set so he can have the rest of the day off."
"Sounds good to me. Brett?" Fatima says.
"The sooner, the better."
We get his set down pat in three tries and Brett is pleased enough to cancel that rehearsal for tonight. "Jazz, you have to start here," Fatima orders me, physically moving me into position and repeats the process with the Boys and other dancers. "Take it from the top," she tells us, cuing the backtrack for their set and I recognize the song immediately, 'Larger Than Life'. I'm lost for the whole song, Nick and AJ helping as best as they can and I do well with their old routines, struggling with the ones for the new album. "I figured we'd have to focus on the newer ones, but I have one question. Jazz, have you even heard the album yet?"
"Except for just now?" She confirms it's what she's asking, nodding her head. "Nope, heard a couple songs one the radio, but nothing more than that."
I hear my cell ring and ignore it, if it's something important enough it can't wait, whoever it might be will call again. "Ok, here's the tracks for the setlist and I want them memorized by the end of the month." I nod and she allows me to put the disc in my bag. I check who called and I'm glad I didn't answer, I'm not in the mood to talk to Justin. I come back into formation and she breaks down 'LTL' so I'm able to memorize it, she focuses on the ones I don't know for half an hour each for the next few hours. "Good, good," she praises. "At least you still pick them up quickly." She looks at all the dancers and drops the smile she previously had. "You should all take notes from Jazz, how she can memorize the moves and the fact she's been at it for the past two years. She kept Nicky here," she tells everyone loudly, dropping her hands on his shoulders and making him jump a little,"focused and on track for the worldwide 'Backstreet's Back' tour, almost from beginning to end. If she wasn't able to be there in person, she'd call and make sure he did what he had to. She would also call and double check everything with me as well. She made sure that the tour was great without being on the road with us until the US leg."
"I was there for two dates in 97, through to March 8th and snuck into almost 30 dates by you and Johnny in 98."
"To talk to one of the other guys about something 'personal'."
"Yeeeeaaaahhhhh," I draw out. A few eerie seconds of silence pass. "Back to rehearsal!" I loudly announce, clapping my hands together and rubbing them against each other.
Nick leans over to me. "Then the oners," he chuckles, eliciting a quick laugh from me.
The hate existed for a few months, but quickly dissipated when we ran into each other at the MTV VMAs in LA on September 10, 1998. He's always had me in the palm of his hand. I don't care what anyone says. Aaliyah saw it and she said not to even so much as look at that particular cookie jar, I didn't listen because I'm just not caring and not wanting to listen to anyone saying that I shouldn't do a damned thing with him. Only I know my reasons for what I've done and I plan on keeping it that way.
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