I try to concentrate as I sing into the microphone, moving my body to the beat. Usually I’m able to leave everything that’s bothering me at the door and just do it but this whole thing has left me out of it. I sigh as the music ends and Johnny stares unhappily at me. I grab my sweat towel and wipe my forehead before throwing it over my shoulder.
Johnny starts walking over to me and I know exactly what he’s going to say but I’m not in the mood right now, “Justin, we need to talk.”
I grab a bottle of water and open the cap, drinking the liquid and wiping my mouth, “I don’t want to talk right now Johnny.”
“We need to talk,” he says, following me into my dressing room and closing the door behind us.
My body collapses into the nearest chair, “What is it?”
“What was that out there?”
I roll my eyes, “A sound check?”
“If that is the type of show you’re going to give your fans they are going to be asking for their money back.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. All they want is to see me gyrate on stage and that’s it.”
“That is not the quality your fans are going to be happy with. I don’t know what has gotten into you but it’s not good. You had better fix this before Tuesday.”
“Fine,” I say, throwing the towel into the hamper.
“Where is Bethany anyway? Why isn’t she here?”
“She’s at her mother’s,” I murmur.
Johnny grabs a plate from my table, “Get her back here. Maybe she can help you focus.”
I look back as he exits the room. If he can get her here more power to him since I can’t even manage to keep her on the phone for more than two minute increments. I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know if she’s having an affair and I don’t know if she’s coming home.
________________________________________________________________________
My butt hasn’t moved from the car for the past fifteen minutes. I’ve been in park but haven’t quite managed to turn off the car. I stare out the windshield before finally turning the keys and it shuts off.
I gather my purse up and drop my keys into it, zipping it closed and grab the bouquet of daisies. I wrap my coat around my body and look through the field until I find it. I sink to my knees and put my hand on the stone, “Hey Sarah, it’s me.”
I put the flowers down next to her tombstone and make myself comfortable, “I haven’t been here in a while huh?” I laugh nervously.
The place still looks the same as it did the day she died. That’s the last time I was here. Somehow, I rationalized that if I didn’t go visit her grave it wasn’t as real as I thought it was.
“I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you, I’ve been busy. I’m in a relationship just in case you don’t know. He’s a celebrity of all people. We’ve been together for years and I’m going to have a baby soon. Remember when you were mad at me when I walked in on you and Brock? You swore that I would never find anyone.”
My fingers rub the writing on the headstone, “I’m really fucking it up though. Somehow I always manage to do that right? I just keep picturing what happened when I was a little kid with dad and I just lose it. And the worst part is he really doesn’t deserve it.”
I lean my head against the rock, “I really wish you were here sometimes. I was mad at you for the longest time for not being here for me when I needed you. Then I got into a relationship with someone who had the same addictions and I realized that you didn’t have anyone to help pull you out. And I stopped being mad and you and just went to missing my big sister.”
I pick up my stuff and wipe my knees off of the leftover leaves that are on their last gasp as winter prepares to roll in, “It’s my turn to be a good sister. I promise I’ll be back soon Sarah.”
I check my phone to see if Justin called but all I see are missed calls from Jake. My fingers go over the edges of the card he sent with the basket. He signed it Justin. No I love you, miss you or anything like that. Just Justin.
One look at the sun tells me it’s late and I glance at my watch. I promised mom I would be on time for dinner so I get into the car with one last look over my shoulder.
________________________________________________________________________
Trace stares at me from the couch as I sit there, staring at a TV that isn’t even on. I finally look over at him, “What?”
“The TV is off.”
“So?”
“You’re staring at a black screen.”
“And you’re point is?”
Trace claps his hands together, “You don’t think she’s involved with that guy do you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Beth. You don’t think she’s sleeping with him do you?”
I look at him before turning back to staring at the TV.
“I don’t think she would do that. She loves you.”
I put my head in my hand, “Just shut up about it alright? I don’t want to talk about Beth right now.”
He nods and sits there for a moment, bouncing his foot up and down. After about thirty seconds on that noise I consider shooting him but he interrupts my thought process, “I mean its Beth right? She could never do something like that.”
I stand up and grab the huge cardboard box and start to drag it upstairs. Trace hops up and stands behind it, like his feeble little arms are actually capable of doing much, “They said they would be back in a few weeks to put it together.”
“I can do it myself,” I grunt, pulling the package up the stairs as it bumps into the wall a few times.
“Look, why don’t you just call her and see when she’s coming home. Maybe she’s on her way.”
“I doubt it.”
I successfully pull the package to the top of the stairs and take a moment to regain the blood flow in my arm as Trace bends over to catch his breath, “But maybe she’s waiting for your call. For all you know she’s waiting at the airport for the next flight out.”
“Fine Trace I’ll call her alright?” I say, grabbing the cell from my pocket. I dial her number and wait as it rings. At the fifth ring it goes to voicemail and I give Trace the ‘I told you so’ look.
The beep goes off and I realize that everything I want to say can’t be said to her voicemail, “Hey Beth it’s me. Look, I need you to come home. I can’t just leave things up in the air like this. Come home and tell me you want to be with someone else but don’t just let me suffer here. Just come home.”
I flip the phone closed and toss it at Trace, who barely catches the phone, stunned. I grab hold of the box and pull it the rest of the way into the bedroom.
________________________________________________________________________
I grab a piece of bread from Sam’s plate as he looks for the juice. He pours himself some lemonade and takes his knife, putting it into the butter dish. I hold back as he goes to put the butter on his bread and I take a bite of it, chewing really slowly.
Sam looks at me and before I can stop him he takes his fork and puts it in my baked potato and puts it on his plate.
“Children, let us act our age,” my mother calls out as she sets the salad down on the table for us.
“Belle started it,” he replies, sticking his tongue at me.
“Yeah, real mature.”
“Because stealing food off my plate first was mature?” he counters.
“I’m pregnant so I’m eating for two.”
“That’s not an excuse.”
“It depends on who you ask,” I say, taking a bite of my steak.
Sam passes me the salad bowl, “So how much longer until I’m an uncle?”
“A little less than four months.”
“So have you thought of names?”
I wipe my mouth with my napkin, “Not yet. To be honest I’ve been so busy I haven’t really thought about it.”
“What has Justin come up with?”
I have absolutely no idea, “I don’t think he’s thought of any either.
“May I make some suggestions?”
“I am not naming the baby Gunner,” I say, knowing full well that he used to want to be called Gunner since there were several Sam’s in his class. That phase only lasted for so long before I set into him and teased him so brutally that he gave it up in a week.
‘You’re no fun.”
“No grandchild of mine is going to be named Gunner thank you very much,” mom interrupts.
I chuckle, “Mom won’t let me tell her the gender.”
Sam rolls his eyes, “Are you serious? Come on mom, you’re not the least bit curious?”
Mom holds up her hands, “No I am not and you won’t spoil it for me either.”
Sam raises his eyebrows, “I know what she’s having.”
“That’s nice.”
“You want me to give you a hint? Maybe I can tell you the color blanket the nurses will wrap it in and you can guess from there.”
Mom looks up with pissed off look, “Samuel Michael Addison don’t make me ground you.”
He stuffs a piece of bread in his mouth, “Yes mom.”
“Don’t choke on your food either. I thought you better than to talk with your mouth full,” she says, handing me a glass of water.
“It’s really good mom, I forgot how much I love your cooking.”
“Well it’s just nice to have you home. The next time you and Justin stop by I’ll cook again for you guys.”
I manage a smile, “Thanks.”
“When you have that baby I want you guys here at least once a month. I would like to be part of their life.”
“I think I can manage that.”
“Good,” she says, reaching across the table and squeezing my hand.
“It has been nice having you home for a little while Beth, you should come home more often.”
I take a sip of my water, “I uh, went down and visited Sarah’s grave today.”
Mom puts her fork down, “You did?”
I nod, “Yeah I went down and visited with her.”
“I didn’t think you would ever go there after the funeral.”
“Our little girl is growing up mom,” Sam teases, rubbing my back.
“Good for you hon.”
“It was good to go. I feel kind of like I can finally let everything go.”
Sam looks behind me and hands me my phone, “You have a message.”
I take it from him and see that it was Justin who called, “I’ll be right back,” I say, excusing myself from the room. I hit the password and listen to Justin’s message. I feel my heart jump into my throat. I can’t believe he thinks I’m having an affair, though I realize I haven’t led him to think anything other than that. As I finish and hang up the phone and call a cab company.
I go upstairs and throw my things into a suitcase and drag it downstairs into the kitchen, “Listen, Justin needs me to go home so I’m going to head on out.”
“I wasn’t kicking you out,” Sam teases, hugging me.
My arms can’t even reach around his broad body, “I promise I’ll be back soon.”
Mom gets up and hugs me, “Promise you’re bring that baby to see me as soon as it’s born.”
“I swear mom.”
“Good. I’ll see you soon sweetheart.”
I grab my luggage, “Bye.”
I head outside with my stuff and get into the cab, praying I’m not too late to fix the mess I’ve managed to make myself.
