Chapter 12

Justin made his way down the hall towards Kerrigan’s room, with Trace and Chris in tow.  They were going to see if she wanted to go down and have a late breakfast with them.  But when they got to her room and Justin was about to knock on her door, Rob stopped him.  “Kerrigan’s not in her room, J.  She left early this morning.”

“She left?  Early this morning?  You’re sure?” Justin asked, turning to Trace.  “Did she say anything to you about going anywhere?”

“She didn’t mention anything to me.” Trace answered.

“Me either.” Chris supplied with a shrug, when Justin looked at him.

Justin turned his attention back to Rob.  “Did she say where she was going?”

“She didn’t say.” Rob shrugged.

Looking down to the floor it suddenly struck Justin.  The last time she had taken off without him, she had gone out with Cody.  He quickly looked back up to Rob.  “Who’d she go with?  Did she say?”

Rob gave Justin a knowing look.  “She left with Miss Stacy.”

“Stacy?” Justin questioned, looking around at the guys.

“Yeah.  Lance’s sister.” Rob said.

Justin stood there in confusion.  Why on earth would she go out with Stacy?  Sure they were friends and talked whenever they were in the same place, but they had never gone out together somewhere.  That just didn’t make sense to him.  “You’re sure it was Lance’s sister Stacy?” he questioned.

“Yes, I’m sure.  I seen her with my own two eyes.  She showed up here knocking on Kerrigan’s door around 7:30 this morning.  They left together about a half hour later.  They didn’t say where they were going or when they’d be back.  They just left.”

“Oh, ok.  Well, if she comes back tell her I’m looking for her.” Justin said.

“Will do.” Rob nodded.

Justin stood there for a moment and then looked at Chris and Trace.  “Well, I guess it’s just us.”

“Don’t look so happy about it man.” Chris teased.

“I’m just confused.  She didn’t say anything at all to me about going out with Stacy today.  She always tells me if she’s got errands to run or something.”

Trace eyed Justin.  “She doesn’t have to report her every move to you, J.”

Justin’s head snapped up and he glared at Trace.  “I didn’t say she did.  I just said that I was confused because she hadn’t mentioned it.”

“Ok, ok.  I believe you.” Trace said, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Let’s just go eat!” Justin growled before storming off down the hall.

Chris and Trace shared a confused look and then followed.

( That night at the Venue )

Justin was storming around the toy room.  Kerrigan had been gone all day long, and he hadn’t heard a word from her.  When he had tried to call her cell phone, he’d only gotten her voice mail.  He had left numerous messages, but she hadn’t returned not a one.  And he was growing frustrated.

He was pissed off because she had taken off and hadn’t bothered to let anyone know where she was going or what she was doing.  If it hadn’t been for Rob telling them that she had left with Stacy, Justin would have spent the whole day thinking the worst.

He would have been thinking that she was out with Cody somewhere.  But he knew she was out with Stacy and that had been ok with him for the most part of the day.

Granted he was still a bit confused as to why she was out with Stacy, but at least he knew she wasn’t with Cody.  But this was getting ridiculous.  Being gone all day, without so much as a phone call to check in.  And it was almost show time to top it off.

“What could she possibly be doing with your sister that would take her all damn day?” Justin cast a questioning look at Lance.

Lance was about to respond, when Justin cut in and carried on with his rant.

“I mean, she shoulda been here by now.  She never misses a show.” Justin vented.

“J, I’m sure she’ll be here soon.  She’s probably just running a little behind.” JC suggested.

And then the door opened and in walked Kerrigan.

“See J, there she is now.” JC said, he eyes widening when he got a good look at her.

Justin spun around.  “Where the hell have you been all…..you cut your hair!” he said shocked.

“Yeah, do you like it?” Kerrigan smiled, running her hands over her hair that had been cut from where it had previously hung to her lower back to where it now hung just a few inches past her shoulders.

Justin merely stared at her for a moment.  But that moment didn’t last nearly long enough before he burst into his ranting again and began questioning Kerrigan.  “It took you all damn day to cut your fucking hair?”

Kerrigan gave him a funny look and then glanced around at the other guys for some form of explanation for Justin’s current state.  But they were all just looking at her, wearing these sympathetic expressions.  And Kerrigan wasn’t sure if that meant they felt sorry for her because her hair looked horrible, or if there was some other reason.

“Kerrigan?” Justin prodded when she didn’t answer.

She looked back at him.  “What?”

Justin groaned and repeated his previous question.  “ I said did it take you all day to get a haircut?”

“No, of course not.  We went shopping and stuff.” Kerrigan shrugged nonchalantly.  She didn’t see what the big deal was.

It wasn’t until she mentioned the shopping that Justin noticed her outfit.  But when he did his eyes nearly popped out of his head.  “What the hell are you wearing?  Where’s your jeans and t-shirt?”

“They’re at the hotel.  I thought you guys said something yesterday about there being some after party tonight, so I thought I would dress for it.” she shrugged.

“Dress for it?” Justin questioned.  “Is that what you call what you’ve got on?  Dressing for it?  You fucking look like Britney!”

Kerrigan’s jaw dropped at that statement and she glared at him.  “I DO NOT look like Birtney!  I should punch you in your mouth for even saying that!”

“You do too!  Britney, wears those little tops and those low pants.  What the hell were you thinking?”

“J, will you shut up and leave her a lone.” Trace said, coming to Kerrigan’s defense.

“What do you mean leave her alone?  Look at what she’s wearing.”

Trace got up from the sofa he’d been sitting on and walked over to where they were standing.  “I am looking at her, Justin.  I don’t see the problem.”

“You don’t see the problem?” Justin questioned.

“No I don’t.” Trace said evenly.

“She looks like a girl!” Justin pointed at her.

“I am a girl, Justin.” Kerrigan stated.  “See?  I have tits!” she said, cupping her breasts.

Justin quickly yanked her hands away from her chest.  “Quit fondling yourself like that.”

“I’m not fondling myself!  Fondling myself would be rubbing my TITS slowly like this!” Kerrigan said sarcastically, while slowly running her hands up and over her breasts.

“STOP DOING THAT!” Justin yelled, again yanking her hands away.

And that was all it took.  All the other guys in the room busted out laughing at how flustered Justin was becoming.  He didn’t know what to do with himself, having Kerrigan act so outrageously like she was.

“It’s not fucking funny you guys!” he growled angrily.

“Oh, jeez Justin.  Calm down.  What the hell is wrong with you?” Kerrigan questioned.

“What’s wrong with me is that you’ve been gone ALL DAY.  You didn’t bother to let anyone know that you were going anywhere.  I’ve left you a zillion fucking messages and you never called me back.  And then you show up here with your hair chopped off and wearing clothing you’ve never worn before in your life.  So I think the better question is what the hell is wrong with you?”

“I needed a change.  Why’s that such a big deal?”

“Because this isn’t you, Kerrigan. You haven’t cut your hair for years, with the exception of the normal trim here and there.  And you’ve never in your life worn low rise jeans.  Or that little tube top thing.”

“This isn’t a tube top, Justin.” Kerrigan corrected, looking down at the baby doll midriff she was wearing.

“I don’t care what it is.  The point is, that this isn’t you.  The Kerrigan I know wears her baggy blue jeans and her t-shirts.  She doesn’t parade around in little skimpy, girly outfits.” Justin spat angrily.

“Ok, Justin that’s enough.  Maybe you should calm down and talk about this later.” JC suggested.

“No!” Kerrigan interjected.  “He’s right.  The Kerrigan he knows wears baggy blue jeans and baggy t-shirts.  But guess what Justin.  That’s not who I am anymore.  I’ve changed.  I don’t want to be that person anymore.  I want to be a girl.  I want to dress like a girl.  This is who I am.”

“Kerrigan….” Justin started, but she quickly cut him off.

“Learn to deal with it Justin, because this is what you’re going to see from now on.”

“Kerrigan, I don’t…” once again he was cut off when one of the stage hands stuck their head in the door to let them know it was time to go on.

Justin sighed and looked over at the guys.

“Make it quick, we’ll be outside.” Chris told him, understanding Justin’s need to settle this before he went on.  He looked at JC, Joey, Lance and Trace and they all nodded and followed Chris’ lead.

Justin nodded and waited on the guys to leave.  He then turned his attention back to Kerrigan.  “I don’t understand where this is coming from Kerrigan?  Just all the sudden out of no where?”

“And I don’t expect you to understand either, Justin.  You don’t live in my skin.  You don’t know what it’s like.  Just understand that this is what I want, and try to accept it.”

“What do you mean I don’t live in your skin?  I live in the public eye, that’s crazy enough on it’s own.”

“That’s not what I meant, J.  It’s just….” Kerrigan paused in thought, trying to figure out how to explain this to him.  “It’s just that I’m not a little girl anymore, J.  You said that for yourself just the other day.  And I just felt like it was time I started acting like a girl.”

“Acting like a girl?  Kerrigan, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense to me and that’s all that matters.” Kerrigan stated, and when she caught the confusion in Justin’s eyes, she felt like she at least owed him some kind of an explanation.

“Justin, I was tired of feeling all boyish all the time.  I wanted to feel more like a girl.  I wanted to feel pretty.”

“Wearing hardly any clothes makes you feel pretty?” Justin scoffed.

Kerrigan groaned.  He was truly a guy.  Hard headed and simple as an oaf.  “No you dimwit!  I wanted to feel more feminine.  Dressing the way I did before didn’t make me feel feminine.  It made me feel like a guy.  And as you and everyone has pointed out, I’m not!  So I’m making a change.  It’s really not that hard to comprehend.”

“You’re not the one staring at a person you’ve known all your life, but not seeing that person at all.”

“J, I’m still the same person.  I’m still Kerr.  I’m just dressing a little differently.  I don’t look any different than any of the other girls out there in the venue.  Or any of the girls at the clubs or on the streets.  I’m probably wearing more clothes than most of the girls out there.  But I just needed a change.  This makes me feel better about myself.  More confident.  It makes me happy.” she said, giving him a half smile.

Justin stared at her.  He couldn’t for the life of him understand.  This was coming out of no where.  He had no idea she hadn’t been happy before.  She hadn’t said anything to him about being unhappy with herself.  Or not feeling comfortable in her own skin.  And that upset him because he should have known something was wrong.

Granted he’d had the feeling that something was wrong because of the way she had been acting recently, but he should have been a better friend and tried to talk to her about it.  Maybe that would have made this whole transition a little easier.  On him and her.  But instead he’d been selfish and was caught up in only himself and what was going on with him and in his life.  Over looking a very important friend that had always been there for him when he needed her.

“Ok.  I mean if it makes you feel better and makes you happy, I guess I can’t really argue with that.  Cause you know I just want you to be happy.”

“I know you do, J.” Kerrigan said softly.

“This just caught me off guard.  I was NOT expecting this at all.  I mean I knew something was going on.  That something was bothering you, but never did I guess it would be anything like this.”

“It’s really not that big of a deal, Justin.” Kerrigan laughed.

But Justin didn’t laugh.  He didn’t even smile.  He felt horrible, because he felt as if he’d been a horrible friend.  “Maybe not to you, Kerr.  But to me it is a big deal.  I feel like I’ve let you down.  You’ve always been there for me when I needed you, and when you needed me, where was I?  I’m somewhere with my head stuck up my ass.” he said shaking his head.

“Justin, shut up.” Kerrigan said shoving him in his arm.  “I went to Stacy because I couldn’t talk to you about this.  Or Trace.  I mean I kinda hinted about it to Trace, but I didn’t go into detail.  And besides I just really needed a girl for this.  You guys woulda had me really looking like Britney.”

Justin scoffed.  “Are you saying I would dress you like a whore?”

“Males tend to pick the skimpiest outfits.” Kerrigan shrugged.

“Nah, Kerr.  You’re too classy for that.  I would never put you in anything like that.  And I’d kill any guy that would.”

“So you’d kill Trace then?” she smirked.

“Yes.  Cause you know he’d have you wearing those little boy shorts and all kinds of crazy shit.”

Kerrigan laughed.  “Yeah, that sounds like something he would do.”

“Yeah.” Justin sighed. “Ok, so we’re good now?”

“I’ve been fine, it was you that was flipping out.”

“I was NOT flipping…” he was cut off by a knock on the door. “Out.” he finished.

“Yes, you were.  But we don’t’ have time for that argument now.  You need to get your ass out there.” Kerrigan said, pushing him towards the door.

“Ok.  I’m going….I’m going.” he relented and opened the door, but looked back at her.  “You didn’t buy any of those lil’ boy shorts did you?”

Chris and the others gave Kerrigan a questioning look.

“No, Trace wasn’t with me remember.  Now GO!” she said giving him one last push out the door, then closing it behind him.

Trace looked at Justin questioningly.  “I wasn’t with her for what?”

“Nothing.” Justin smiled.  He was not about to get into that debate with Trace.  “Let’s go guys.” he said before walking off down the hallway with the guys, leaving a confused Trace behind.