Chapter 44

( 1 week later )

Kerrigan’s parents had stayed as long as they could before they had finally left to go back to Tennessee.  They both had jobs to get back to and knowing that Kerrigan was in the care of Justin and Trace set their minds at ease enough for them to go.

Kerrigan had made a little progress.  For the first few days she barely left the confines of Justin’s bedroom, but the last couple of days she had been up and roaming around the house.  She still didn’t talk about the incident and no one brought it up.

Justin and Trace had taken it upon their selves to move Kerrigan back into the house.  They had gone to her apartment, talked to the complex and moved all of her belongings.  There was no way they were going to let her stay at the apartment alone.  And even though Kerrigan didn’t say as much, they assumed she didn’t really want to go back there anyway.

That afternoon Justin had a meeting with Johnny so he’d been gone most of the day.  When he got home Trace was sitting in the living room watching TV.

Justin walked into the room and looked around not seeing Kerrigan anywhere.  “Hey, Trace where’s Kerr at?”

“Up in her room.  She said she wanted to sort through some things and try to put some stuff away.  I offered to help but she said she could handle it.”

“Oh, ok.” Justin said, looking around some more, then deciding he was gonna go up and check on her.  “I’m just gonna go up and make sure everything’s ok.” he said as he made his way out of the room.

Trace nodded and smiled to himself.  Justin had been so overly concerned about Kerrigan lately that at times he found it amusing.  Not that he wasn’t concerned as well, because he was.  But Justin tended to take it to extremes.

Justin was constantly hovering around her, asking if she was ok, asking if she needed anything.  Trace was worried that Justin was smothering her with attention, but you couldn’t tell Justin that without him getting extremely defensive.  He just wanted Kerrigan to open up and talk to him.  He just wanted her to be ok and that Trace could understand because he wanted the same thing.  He just had a different way of approaching the matter.

Justin made his way up the stairs and down the hall to Kerrigan’s room.  He knocked softly on the door and then pushed it open slowly to find Kerrigan sitting on her knees in the middle of the room staring down into a box.

“Kerrigan?” he said hoping to get her attention, but she didn’t respond.  “Hey, Kerr what ya doing?” he asked again, moving into the room, closing the door behind him.

Finally, Kerrigan looked up and met Justin’s eyes. He stalled in place for a moment when he saw the tears streaming down her face, but then quickly rushed to her side.  “What’s wrong?” he asked, as he got to his knees beside her on the floor.

“I just came across these.” she said softly, motioning towards the box she had been looking at.

Justin looked down in the box and seen the baby outfits they had picked out together in Virginia the month before and immediately his heart went out to her.  “Kerr, maybe you shouldn’t be looking at those right now.” he suggested.

“It’s not like I meant to.  I was just going through boxes and came across them.”

“Well, let’s put them away.” he said, moving to close the box up, but Kerrigan reached out and grabbed his hands.

“No.” she said, letting go of his hands and then pulling one of the small outfits out of the box.

“Kerrigan, don’t do this to yourself sweetie.”

“Maybe I should just throw them away?” she suggested, looking over at Justin.  “I mean I don’t need them anymore, right?”

Justin wasn’t sure how to answer that question.  He didn’t want to say anything that was going to upset her more, but he figured that either way he went with it she was still going to get upset.  “I don’t know.  I mean you don’t need them now no, but maybe later on down the road.” he shrugged.

“Nah, I don’t think so.” Kerrigan said, stuffing the outfit back in the box.

“What do you mean you don’t think so?  You don’t want to have anymore kids?” Justin questioned, immediately regretting it by the solemn look that appeared on Kerrigan’s face.

“I don’t have any kids now, Justin.”

“I’m sorry, Kerr.  I didn’t mean it like that.” he sighed.  “I just meant like, well you know you don’t want to have kids later?”

“Probably not.” Kerrigan shrugged, shifting from sitting on her feet to fully on her rear.

Justin followed her motions and sat down beside her.  “Well, why not?” he persisted.  He didn’t want to upset her but this was the most she had talked about the subject since it had all happened and he knew she needed to talk about it.  To get it out and if he had to coax her a little bit he would.

“I’m never going to let myself get in that position again.” she said looking down at her hands.

Justin frowned.  He wasn’t sure what position she was referring to.  That of being pregnant or something else.  “What do you mean?”

“Everything.” she shrugged.  “The whole thing.  Being with someone like that.  Thinking they love me.  Listening to my heart.”

Justin sighed.  “Kerrigan, not all guys are like that.  We’re not all like him.  You can’t avoid relationships for the rest of your life because you’re scared of getting hurt.”

“He didn’t just hurt me, Justin. He….” Kerrigan started to explain but quickly stopped.

Justin waited on her to finish her statement but when she made no further attempts, he finished for her.  “He broke you.”

Kerrigan looked over and met Justin’s eyes.  “Yeah, he did.” she said, as tears began to dribble down her cheeks again.

Justin bowed his head, he didn’t want to make her cry, but he knew that she needed to get this out.  And he also needed to hear it.  He needed to know how she was feeling inside.  He needed to know her pain, because he wanted to share in her pain.  He wanted to help her get past it, take it away.

“Look, Kerrigan.  I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but things will get better.  Time heals all wounds.  I’m not saying they’ll go away completely or that you’ll forget about them, because I know you’ll never be able to forget about this.  But eventually it’ll become bearable and you’ll be able to date again.  You’ll be able to move on with your life.  You can’t let that bastard hold you back from living.  If you do then he gets away with what he was trying to do all along, which was to control you.”

“It doesn’t feel like it’ll ever be bearable, J.  And I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to trust another guy again.  How am I supposed to trust their motives?  Trust their words?”

“Surely, you don’t think all guys are like that, do you?” Justin questioned.

“I don’t know anymore.” she said hanging her head.

“You trust me don’t you?  And Trace?  And the other guys?  You know we would never hurt you or manipulate you that way, right?” he asked, hoping she wouldn’t answer negatively.  He didn’t know if he could live with that fact that Kerrigan didn’t trust him, especially since he’d never done anything to give her a reason not to trust him.

“Of course I know that.” she said, looking up to meet his eyes.  “I know you guys would NEVER hurt me like that.  You don’t have it in you.”

“Well, then don’t you think that should leave at least a little hope in your heart that not all guys are that way.  I mean if the six of us aren’t like that, we surely can’t be the only six males in the world that aren’t total pigs.” he smiled at her, hoping to bring a smile to her face.

And it did.  It was a small smile, but a smile none the less.  “See, it’ll all work out in the end.  Right now you’re hurting and you’re scared.  Trust me I understand that, Kerr.  I’m scared and worried for you because I don’t like seeing you like this.  But all I can do is be here for you, if you’ll let me.  I can’t just make it all better, although I wish I could.  But I can be here for you.  And you can be sure that I’ll never let anyone like that near you again.  There will be STRICT interrogations on any future prospects.  Not only by me but by Trace too.”

Kerrigan rolled her eyes at him.  “Justin…”

“No, I’m serious.  You think we were bad before, you ain’t seen nothing yet.” he smiled.

“My life just keeps getting better and better.” she stated sarcastically.

“Hey now!  You can’t blame us.  We love you, Kerr and we just want you to be ok.  I don’t want to EVER see you go through something like this again.  And as long as I’m around you never will.  I want you to feel safe.  I know you don’t right now but eventually I want you to feel safe.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe again.”

“You will.  I promise.” Justin said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders to pull her in for a hug.  “Because I’m never gonna let anything happen to you again.  I love you, Kerrigan and I promise you I’m never gonna let anyone hurt you like this again.  Never.”

“But you didn’t let him hurt me this time, J.  I did.  I was stupid.  It’s all my fault, not yours or anyone else’s fault.  I was the one that stayed.  I was the one that allowed it to go on.  It’s my fault.  I shouldn’t have gotten back with him in the first place, but I did.  But after the second time it happened I should have left then.  But instead I stayed, I did this to myself.”

“Why did you stay?  I mean you said you loved him, but Kerr I know you’re smarter than that.  You had to of had other reasons.  Reasons that to you seemed logical at the time.” Justin asked, still hugging her to his side.

“I didn’t want to be alone.” she said softly.

Justin pulled back to look down at her.  “Alone?  Kerr, you were never alone.  Why would you think that?”

“But I was, J.  I was pregnant and about to have a baby.  And I wanted Cody to love me so badly. I didn’t want to go back to the way things were before.  He made me feel special and loved.  I mean when he wasn’t hitting me, which believe it or not wasn’t all the time.  Most of the time things were great between us.  We were happy and we had fun together.  And I didn’t want to lose that.”

“I don’t see how you thought you’d be alone.  You’ve always had me and Trace.  And the other guys were always there.  How could you think you’d be alone?”

“Because it’s different with you guys.  You guys don’t show me THAT kind of affection.  We’re friends and I never really had a lot of boyfriends, you know that.  And to have someone that adored me and wanted me, well it made me feel special and appreciated.”

“Kerrigan, you are special and we do appreciate you.” Justin argued.

“But not like that.”

Justin nodded, he was trying to understand where she was coming from.  He supposed that the two were very different, but at the same time he didn’t understand how she could feel like she wasn’t special or that he and the others didn’t appreciate her.  He knew he appreciated her.  And that she was very special to him.

“Well, I’m not going to pretend I understand what you mean, because I honestly don’t.  But it’s obvious that whatever your reasons were, you felt strongly about them.  But Kerrigan I just want you to know that you are special.  You’re very special to me.  And I do appreciate you, so please don’t ever think that I don’t.”

“I know, J.” Kerrigan said, trying to put him at ease.  She could tell he was somewhat hurt by her words.  But Justin didn’t think she did know, so he proceeded to explain to her just how much she did mean to him.

“No, seriously, Kerr.  I love you.  You’re been a part of my life for so long I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like without you in it.  And I don’t want to find out any time soon.  I was so worried there for a while that you was pushing me away and that you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and that about killed me inside.  And to see you like this.  To see what he did to you and all the pain you’re in because of it.  It kills me.  If I could take it all from you and bear it myself I would.  I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

“You’re such a vital part of my life, Kerrigan.  My life wouldn’t be complete without you in it.  I may not always show it, but I do appreciate you.  You make me the person I am.  Well, you help make me the person I am.  You don’t take my shit.  You put me in my place.  And you’re always there when I need you to be.  And there’s no other person on this earth that can make me smile and laugh the way you do.  And infuriate me the way you do.  So you see you are special, so don’t you ever forget it.  Because if I ever lost you as a part of my life, I honestly don’t think I could go on living and that’s the God’s honest truth, Kerr.  You’re THAT important to me!”

Kerrigan looked into Justin’s sincere blue eyes as he stared at her, speaking the words she could tell were coming straight from his heart.  A tear trickled down her cheek, she was truly touched by the things he’d said.

“I can’t imagine my life without you in it either, Justin.  I know you love me and I know you’d do virtually anything for me.  And I would do the same for you.” she said, reaching out and pulling him into a full on hug.

Justin squeezed Kerrigan to him as tightly as he could without hurting her.  “I love you, Kerr.  And no matter what I’m always gonna be here.  Right here, Kerr.  Right by your side.”