Chapter 46

( Late September )

“She seems to be coping pretty well.”

Justin looked over at Chris briefly before shifting his eyesight back to Kerrigan as she and Trace playfully raced each other to one of the game stands that was set up throughout the park.

The group had decided to go to Six Flags.  Chris was in town for a couple of days and they all decided to get together and hang out.  They had talked about going to Disney Land but had decided on going to Six Flags instead, agreeing that it was more their speed than the Mickey themed park.

They wanted to go somewhere where they could ride all of the best roller coasters and have a good time and that just seemed to be the place that stuck out to them.

Over the last few weeks, after arriving in California Kerrigan and the guys had passed the time, first unpacking all of the things that had been left behind in Justin’s new house.  Kerrigan had helped Justin decorate it, along with Lynn, who had flown out special for that activity.

Justin had given them free rain of all the decorating.  Trace had teased Justin and said that the house would look like a chick pad more than a bachelor pad by the time they were done with it, but both guys had been surprised in the final result.

It was in no means feminine in any way.  Justin had his leather sofas and a décor that could only be described as manly, but not in an overbearing way.  In the end Justin was very pleased with what they had done and Trace was left eating his words.

After they had gotten all of the house things taken care of, in regards to unpacking and decorating.  Justin and Trace had taken Kerrigan out on the town.  Showing her around California, since she had never really spent a lot of time in the city.  And when she was it was always when she’d been there with the guys on tour, therefore she’d never really had any time for real sight seeing.

So Trace and Justin took her around the area, showing her what the Los Angeles and Hollywood areas had to offer.  They went to Hollywood and Rodeo Dr. and all the infamous places you hear about in that portion of California.  They hit the beach and the Santa Monica pier.  As well as various other spots in the area.

Justin had also gone back into the studio.  He’d been collaborating with Brian McKnight, working on another song for his album.  One they had started working on in Virginia but never quite finished up.

Kerrigan had gone to the studio with him a couple times and other times she and Trace would just hang out at the house or go and wander the city, finding different things to get into.

Things finally seemed to be getting back to normal.  Kerrigan still had her moments where she would see something or hear something that would bring up those bad memories and she would get upset, but for the most part she was doing incredibly well.  And Justin and Trace were doing equally well in distracting her.

Kerrigan had also gotten to meet Trace’s newest girlfriend.  And whereas in the past she had never really like any of his girlfriends, Kerrigan actually like this one.

Rebecca, or Becca as Kerrigan and the guys called her, was extremely different from any of Trace’s past girlfriends.  She was incredibly sweet and brutally honest.  And best of all she didn’t take any of Trace’s shit, which was the number one reason Kerrigan adored her.

She was also a pre-law student at UCLA.  That had been another shocker for Kerrigan.  Trace was actually dating a girl with a brain.  This girl was definitely a winner as for as Kerrigan was concerned.

And the two girls got along extremely well and were becoming fast friends.  When the guys were busy doing whatever, the girls would often hang out.  Go catch a movie or just lounge around Justin’s house for a lack of anything better to do.  But at least they were doing it together.

So things were definitely falling back into place and Justin couldn’t be any happier about it if he tried.  He was just happy to have his spunky childhood friend back.  To have the fire for life back in her eyes once again.  That to him was the most important thing.

“Yeah, she’s doing really well.  I mean she has her moments, but for the most part things are going really good.”  Justin stated, still watching as Kerrigan and Trace raced against each other in one of those games where you spray water into the bulls eye and your horse or whatever object of the game races across the board.

“It probably helps that you’re not actually in Florida.” Chris commented, watching Kerrigan and Trace as well.

“Yeah, I’m sure that helps.” Justin nodded.

“Ya know….” Chris turned his attention to Justin.  “I thought she was going to hate me.  I was really worried about showing up at your house last night.  I just knew she was going to rip me up one wall and down the next for telling you and Trace about Cody.”

“I think she knows that you did what you needed to do, Chris.  She can’t blame you for that.  You was being a friend.”

“Yeah, but still.  I did not expect her to greet me with opens arms the way she did.  Or for her to pull me aside and THANK ME for telling you guys.  I mean that really shocked the shit out of me.”

“Well, like I said.  She knows you were only doing what you had to.  If you hadn’t of said anything, God only knows what would have happened.  Me and Trace wouldn’t have been in town that night and….” Justin trailed off.

Chris could tell by the expression on Justin’s face that his thoughts of what would have happened had he not been there, were unimaginable.  “Yeah, I know J.” he said trying to comfort his friend.

Justin shook his head, trying to shake away the thoughts that were flowing through his mind.  The endless possibilities of what could have happened.  “I don’t even wanna think about it.”

“Well, don’t.  You were there and none of those things happened, so don’t even stress yourself over those other possibilities.” Chris instructed.

“Yeah, I know.  But I can’t help but think about it sometimes.  I mean the shit she went through is bad enough.  To think if we hadn’t of been there.  If we hadn’t of went over there when she called me that night.  I just keep thinking about what that Doctor told me that night.  It plays over and over in my head.”

Chris gave him a confused looked.  “What did he tell you?”

“Well, when he was telling us about her injuries I was pissed and upset and he made it sound like her injuries weren’t that bad, which of course pissed me off more so I snapped at him.  I asked him how it could get any worse or something like that.  And he said, “He could of killed her.”  And that just haunts me.  I mean what if we hadn’t…..”

Chris cut him off.  “Stop right there, J.  I know what you’re thinking, but don’t.  You were there.  You did go find her.  And she’s ok.  So don’t think like that.”

“I know Chris, but still.  I can’t help but think, what if?” he paused, looking over to meet Chris’ eyes.  “She means so much to me, Chris.  I honestly don’t know what I’d ever do if I lost her.”

Chris nodded his understanding.  He didn’t need for Justin to say anything further, because everything he needed to know was right there, visible in Justin’s eyes.

He could see from the simple expression upon Justin’s face that if he did ever lose Kerrigan, that he would be devastated.  The mere thought alone was enough to put a painful expression on the boys face, but to actually have it happen.  Well, Chris didn’t even want to think about what that would do to Justin.

“You really love her, huh?” Chris asked, already knowing the answer despite anything Justin would say.

“Of course I love her.” Justin scoffed.  He couldn’t believe that Chris was asking him a question that he found completely ridiculous.

“No, J.  I mean, you REALLY love her.  I’m not talking about just as her best friend.  I’m talking about LOVE, as in you’re IN love with her, kind of love her.”

Justin gave Chris a funny look.  “Chris, it’s not like that and you know it.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, J.  I can see it in your eyes.  It‘s always been there, but before I could tell you didn’t realize it.  That you didn’t really know that that’s how you loved her.  But I can see it in your eyes now.  You know.”

Justin was silent for a moment.  Just silently staring at Chris, wondering how he could read him so well.  Granted they’d know each other for years, but that wasn’t what concerned him.  What concerned him was if Chris could supposedly see it in his eyes, Justin couldn’t help but wonder who else could see it in his eyes.  Namely, could Kerrigan see it?

Sighing, Justin gave in.  There was no reason to lie about it.  Not to Chris.  Justin knew Chris could tell when he was lying so it would really be no use to even try.  “Yeah, I do.” he finally admitted.

A smile slowly spread across Chris’ lips.  “So what are you gonna do?” he asked.

“What do you mean what am I gonna do?  I’m not gonna do anything.  She just came out of a horrible relationship, Chris.  I’m not gonna pressure her with this as well.  I can’t do that to her.  She’s got enough on her shoulders without adding something else to it.”

“But what if she feels the same way?”

“I don’t think she does, Chris.  She’s never shown any signs of thinking about me like that.” Justin shook his head and looked off in the direction of Kerrigan and Trace again.  They had moved on to another game stand and were battling it out against each other once again.

Chris studied Justin as he watched Kerrigan.  He couldn’t understand how Justin could be so blind.  How could Justin not know that for several years, Kerrigan had been crushing on him.  It was obvious to everyone, even though they rarely brought it up.  Especially, in Justin or Kerrigan’s presence.  But it had always been extremely obvious.

Justin looked back over at Chris, catching him staring at him with penetrating eyes.  “What?” he questioned.

Chris shook his head.  “Nothing.”

“Surely, you’re not thinking I should make some kind of move on her.” Justin scoffed, still trying to understand why Chris was looking at him the way he was.  “I mean, Chris it wouldn’t be right after everything she’s been through.  I can’t do that.”

“I didn’t say you should.  I agree she needs time, J.  But eventually, I think you should at least talk to her about it.  You should tell her how you feel.”

Sighing again, Justin started walking towards Kerrigan and Trace.  “I can’t do that Chris.  I love her too much to risk messing up our friendship.  She’s been through a lot and the last thing she needs now or even anywhere remotely in the future is me confusing her more by telling her I’m in love with her.  I can’t do that to her.  I refuse to do that to her.”

Chris nodded.  He could tell Justin was set in his decision and there was no use in trying to persuade him otherwise.  If there was one thing he knew about Justin, it was he was a stubborn guy and you couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do.

“Well, that’s your call, J.  You gotta live with it, not me.” he said, walking off to join Kerrigan and Trace.

Justin stood there watching Chris’ retreating back for a moment.  It was his call, just as Chris had said.  And this was a decision Justin had made long before the whole “Cody incident”.  It was a decision Justin had made the moment he realized he loved her.  The moment he kissed her during that stupid game of truth or dare.

It had taken a while for him to admit it to himself, but once he finally did it hadn’t taken long for him to decide that those were uncharted feelings and they were better off to be left that way.  Things would get far to complicated and awkward if he were ever to peruse them.  Not to mention the possibilities of ruining their friendship.  And that was something Justin was not willing to sacrifice.

Kerrigan meant far too much to him for him to put that on the line.  When he said he didn’t know what he’d do if something ever happened to her, that wasn’t just limited to if Cody had taken her away from him.  But it also include any form of losing her.  And if he were to try a relationship with her and something were to go wrong.  Or if he were to tell her that he cared about her like that and she didn’t feel the same way.  Things would never be the same.  And there was no way he was willing to chance that.  No way at all.

He loved her and he had her in his life and that was all he needed.  As long as she was well and happy then he could live with that.  As long as she was there.  Because if she wasn’t he really didn’t know what he would do.

Sighing one more time at the thoughts, rushing through his mind, Justin followed after Chris.  They were there to have a good time and he wasn’t going to let this conversation deter him in the least.

Seeing Kerrigan happy and smiling again was enough to get him through the rest of the day.  Regardless of what his heart was telling him to do.  He knew that he could live with himself keeping things the way they were, as long as she was happy.  As long as he could see the smile on her face and the fire in her eyes.  That was all he needed.

Loving her as a friend would just have to be enough.  Because Justin wasn’t prepared to love her any other way.  Especially, right now.