Chapter 48
Chad sat across from Kerrigan and watched her flag down the waitress and order another beer. He wasn’t sure but if his memory served him correctly she was working on her fifth one. Way ahead of him.
“Maybe you should slow down a bit.” he suggested as the waitress sat another beer down in front of Kerrigan and she quickly picked it up, taking a large gulp.
Kerrigan smiled at Chad. His wife was a lucky lady, he was such a sweetheart. “I’ll be find, Chad. Besides, we’re here to party. I think you need to play catch up.”
Chad laughed at her. “If I came home drunk, my woman would kick my ass.”
“Awwwww….she got that ball and chain on ya, huh.”
“Nah, not really. I’m just not much of a drinker. I mean I have my moments. We all do.” he said giving her a look as if to say, “like you’re having right now” and then continued. “But most of the time I’ll have a couple beers and that’s it.”
“Well, good for you. I’m sure that makes the wifey proud. She doesn’t have to worry so much about you.”
“Yeah, I guess.” he shrugged, looking off to try to locate Justin and Pharrell. They’d been gone for a good while and Chad was beginning to think they weren’t coming back.
Kerrigan look off, following Chad’s gaze and noticed him watching Justin. She turned her attention back to him, somewhat reading his thoughts. “It’s ok. He’s always running off and talking to people when we go out. I’m used to it. He won’t be back for a while, but it’s fine.” she assured him.
Chad nodded and gave her a friendly smile, drifting back off to look around the club.
Kerrigan was about to say something to him, to strike up further conversation when a tall dark haired man approached their table. “Excuse me.” he said, attempting to get Kerrigan’s attention.
She looked up at the young man standing before her. He was extremely good looking. Dark brown spiky hair. Piercing blue eyes. And a smile that could knock any girl off her feet. “Yeah?” she smiled at him.
“Well, I was sitting over at my table with my friends and I seen you sitting over here and you looked a little bored so I thought maybe you’d want to dance?” he asked, then noticing Chad who had been virtually invisible from where the guy’s table was. “Oh, unless you two are together.” he quickly added.
Chad laughed. “It’s cool man. We’re not here together. I mean we’re here together, but not like that.”
“Oh, alright.” the guy nodded at Chad, focusing his attention back on Kerrigan. “So…you wanna dance?” he asked her again.
“Well, that depends. Are you even gonna tell me your name?” she asked, feeling somewhat bold from the liquid courage now coursing through her veins.
He smiled, extending his hand. “The names Nathan. And your name would be?”
“Kerrigan.” she smiled, shaking his hand briefly.
“Ok, so we got the names outta the way. So do ya wanna dance or not?”
Kerrigan turned to Chad quickly to make sure he showed no objections and he merely shrugged indicating he didn’t care, so Kerrigan turned her attention back to Nathan. Smiling she replied “Sure.” and allowed him to lead her from the booth and to the small dance floor area that was off to the side in the VIP area they were in.
Justin had noticed the guy as soon as he had walked over to the table Kerrigan and Chad were seated at and he’d been silently watching the exchange from his spot across the room. The conversation going on around him completely forgotten when he saw the guy take Kerrigan’s hand and lead her from the booth to go dance.
Justin felt an urge inside himself to walk over and yank Kerrigan away from the guy. They were dancing rather provocatively and Justin really didn’t like that at all. Especially, since the guys hands seemed to be easing their way south bound on Kerrigan’s hips and lower back.
But Justin also knew he couldn’t make a scene. Not only would that cause too much drama in the club but it was likely to make Kerrigan suspicious. He knew he had been acting strangely lately and that more than likely Kerrigan had caught on. So he didn’t want to do something else that would possibly clue her in on what was going on inside his head.
Ordering another beer Justin quickly chugged it down as the song switched out and Kerrigan continued dancing with the guy. For the life of himself, Justin couldn’t remember Kerrigan ever dancing with anyone at a club in the past, other than like himself or one of the other guys. She had never danced with anyone outside of their circle.
And based on the way she was acting while dancing with this guy, Justin was guessing she’d had a few drinks and probably wasn’t thinking too clearly. That was the only thing he could come up with at the moment, but then she had changed a lot over the last few months. Perhaps this was just a part of who she had become. But no matter how much Justin tossed the ideas back and forth in his head, he couldn’t get past the feeling that there was more to it than that. That there was something wrong. Something bothering her and that was why she was acting outside of her character.
Meanwhile, Kerrigan was having a great time dancing with Nathan. He was a little too touchy feely for her liking, but at least it gave her something else to concentrate on other than the stupid memories and thoughts that had been running through her head before. She was doing a good job of distracting herself from those thoughts.
That was until of course the song switched out again. She wasn’t sure if it was the second, third or even fourth time the song has switched out, but this song grabbed her attention right away. The words striking her to the center of her soul.
The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don't hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can't believe I stayed with you so long
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me, yeah
Pulling away from Nathan, Kerrigan quickly excused herself from him and headed back over to the table where Chad was still sitting alone.
She quickly sat down and grabbed her bear, chugging the remaining contents in virtually one gulp. She had never heard this song before and didn’t know who sung it. All she did know was that this song struck a little too close to home for comfort. Especially, after all the things that had been running through her head already. She did not need to hear this song. She did not need to be reminded further of those memories.
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
Cos I was under you're control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I un-derstand
To make yourself feel like a man
Justin watched as Kerrigan pulled away from the guy she’d been dancing with and rushed back over to the table. At first he thought the guy had done something to her or said something to her inappropriately by the way she had rushed off. And he was half ready to go over to the guy and beat the shit out of him for upsetting her or hurting her in any way.
But then he heard the lyrics to the song that was playing loudly through the speakers and it suddenly struck Justin as to why Kerrigan suddenly seemed upset.
Even though this song sounded to be somewhat of an anthem at getting past that kind of a relationship, as the girl repeatedly thanked whoever for making her strong from doing what he’d done, or whatever the case may be. The song was still very descriptive and it wouldn’t take too much thought to figure out that it was reminding Kerrigan of things she didn’t need to be reminded of.
Completely oblivious to the people standing around him, Justin walked right past Pharrell without so much as a word and headed directly for Kerrigan across the room.
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
Chad noticed Kerrigan’s sudden presence and her actions caught him off guard. She looked extremely upset and he wasn’t sure what was going on or what to do. He didn’t know her well enough to read her to see what was going on. But it was obvious something was.
“Are you ok, Kerrigan?” he asked, scooting over in the booth to be directly across from her.
Kerrigan looked up and met Chad’s eyes. “This song.” she said.
Chad wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but he listened to the words of the song and quickly understood. Even with his lack of information on the whole situation, he knew enough to understand why she was suddenly so upset.
“Are you gonna be ok? Do you want me to go find, Justin?”
“No, don’t bother him. I’ll be fine. I’m just being stupid.” she waved him off.
“Kerrigan, you could never bother me and you know that!” Justin scolded her as he sat down next to her, sliding his arm behind her back. “What’s going on, sweetie?” he asked her.
You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won't happen again
Thank you
Kerrigan looked up and met Justin’s sincere blue eyes and she felt all of her walls crumbling. And crumbling quickly. She then looked over at Chad, not really feeling one hundred percent comfortable discussing it in front of him. Even thought the music was loud and he probably wouldn’t be able to hear much of what she said.
Chad caught the look and quickly got up. “I’ll leave you two alone.” he said, walking off.
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
As the final notes of the song played through the speakers, Justin studied Kerrigan as she sat before him silently, lost in thought. “Come on, Kerr. Tell me what’s going on. It’ll help.” he coaxed.
Kerrigan looked back up at him and met his eyes once again. “You already know. I can tell by the look on your face you know.” she told him.
Justin shrugged. “I guessed. I mean you were dancing with that guy and then you just rushed off. I thought maybe he’d done something at first then I heard the song and the lyrics stuck out. Is that what’s wrong? Did the song upset you?”
“Yeah, I’ve never heard it before.” she admitted.
“Well, try to think of it as a positive thing. Think of the meaning behind the song, not just he lyrics.” Justin said, trying to be optimistic about the song.
“I know you’re right, J. That’s like a total anthem kinda song for the shit I’ve been through. But I cant’ hear it without thinking about all the other stuff that goes along with it. And I was already thinking about it anyways and just hearing that song just makes it worse.” she admitted.
“What do you mean you were already thinking about it? How long have you been thinking about it?” Justin questioned, somewhat concerned. Lately whenever she was upset or thinking about “it” she would come to him and it made him a little uneasy to know that she was once again stressing over things and she hadn’t said anything to him about it.
“Not very long, Justin so you can calm down. Me and Chad were talking and I could tell he was holding back, afraid he would upset me somehow and that just got me to thinking. And you know how my mind works, it goes from one thing right on to another and before I knew what was happening I was dwelling on it. So when that guy asked me to dance, I thought “hmmmm, good way to distract myself” but it didn’t work. Especially when this damn song came on.”
Squeezing her shoulder gently, Justin gave her his best smile. Trying to look and sound convincing. “Well, it’s just a song right?”
Kerrigan shook her head. “No. I mean yeah it’s just a song, but it’s a song that reminds me of how stupid and foolish I was. It reminds me of all the shit that I went through and everything I lost.” she said looking down at her lap, thinking of the baby.
Justin watched her silently as the tears began to roll down her cheeks. He wasn’t sure what to do, she was getting upset and she was crying and he knew that nothing he could do or say would make things any better. So he did the only thing he could think of he pulled her into a hug, hoping that would at least remind her that he was there for her and comfort her in some way.
Kerrigan returned his embrace, wrapping her arms around him as she began to ramble off her thoughts. “I mean, I was so stupid, J. Why did I let him do that stuff to me? Why did I let it get that far. And he got me pregnant, J. How could I be so stupid? And then being even more of the moron I am, I let him continue to beat me. Beat me until he killed our child and did awful things to me. Why did I have to be so scared of being alone that I let that fear drive me to do stupid things? Why? I just don’t understand why I was so damn stupid.”
Justin pulled back far enough to look down at Kerrigan’s face. “Sweetie, don’t blame yourself for this. You’re not stupid, you were confused. You loved him. Love can make you do some crazy things.”
Kerrigan shook her head. “No, Justin. I didn’t love him. I never did. I just didn’t wanna be alone. I just wanted someone to love me. I fooled myself into thinking I loved him until I really did start to care. But I never loved him. Not like that. I just didn’t wanna be alone.” she cried, the tears flowing rapidly down her cheeks now.
“Kerrigan, you were never alone. Why would you think something like that? And lots of people love you.” Justin said, fighting off the urge to kiss away her tears. His heart was breaking seeing her this way.
“They don’t love me like that, J. And neither did he.” she sniffled, trying to pull away from him but Justin held her tightly, not allowing her to escape.
He stared down at her for a moment, unable to believe the things he was hearing from her. She felt alone and unloved and that broke his heart further. He never wanted her to feel that way again. He never wanted her to question if people cared about her.
Not thinking very clearly Justin leaned down and captured Kerrigan’s lips with his. He wanted to show her that he cared. Even if she thought no one else did, at least she would know that he cared.
( Lyrics: Thank You ~ By: Jamelia )
