Chapter 53

Justin pulled away from the kiss slowly, the realization of what he was doing hitting him full force.  He looked down and locked eyes with Kerrigan.  She looked confused.  Hurt even.  God, he had made a horrible mistake.  How could he do this to her after everything she had been through recently?

“Kerrigan, I am SO sorry.  I didn’t mean to kiss you like that.  I don’t know what I was thinking.” he quickly went to explain.

“Justin, wha…” Kerrigan began to question but was quickly cut off.

“I had too many drinks, Kerr.  God, I’m so sorry.  I could kill myself right now!  I’m really, really sorry.  I…I just had too many drinks….and….and listening to that song, well it made me think of Britney….and when I looked at you, I saw Britney.” he lied, immediately dreading the words that had so quickly slipped past his lips.

Kerrigan’s face fell further.  The mere mention of Britney’s name alone was bad enough, but for him to tell her that he kissed her because he thought she was Britney?  Kerrigan didn’t know if she should cry, scream or what she should do.  So many emotions were rushing through her at that moment that she couldn’t think straight.

Pulling away from Justin, Kerrigan tried to walk away.  She needed to be alone.  She needed some time to think.  She was thoroughly confused and her heart was shattering inside her chest.  For Justin to kiss her like that and then to say he thought she was Britney?

Justin quickly halted Kerrigan’s retreat however, grabbing her gently by her arm.  “No, Kerr.  Look at me.  Talk to me.” he pleaded, feeling horrible.  He had really fucked up.

“J, I just need to get some fresh air.” she said, pulling away from him.

Justin quickly followed when she walked away.  “Wait.  Kerrigan, I swear I didn’t mean to do that.  I’m so sorry.  Please don’t hate me.” he continued to plead, not knowing what else to do.

Kerrigan stopped, turning to Justin with a small smile on her face.  “Justin, I could never hate you.  Never.” she said as she ran her hand slowly across his cheek, then turning, walking away from him.

Justin stood there dumbfounded.  He didn’t know weather to go after her or to stay where he was.  And at the moment it didn’t really matter because his feet were pretty much stuck in place.  He couldn’t move if he wanted to.

When he looked into her eyes he saw something there but he had no clue what it was.  He was sure some of it was hurt, there was no mistaking that emotion in Kerrigan’s eyes.  He had seen it so much recently that it had become completely unmistakable to him.

But he saw something else and that was what he was unsure of.  He didn’t understand.  There was something else in her eyes and it killed him that he didn’t know what it was.  He was supposed to know her inside and out.  He was supposed to be able to read her like a book.  But in the one moment when he needed those abilities the most, he had failed.  And so now here he stood, watching her retreating back as she headed for the door of the club.  And he was completely lost on what to do.

Seeing what had happened Trace and JC had both jumped up and headed towards their friends.  By the time they reached them Kerrigan was already on her way out of the club and Justin was left standing there with a somber expression on his face.

“What was that all about?” JC questioned when he finally reach Justin.

“I kissed her.” Justin said simply.

“Yeah, we seen that.  I think the whole place seen that.” Trace stated, confused as to what was going on.

“Why’d you kiss her, J?” JC asked.

“Cause I love her.” Justin replied, looking to the floor.

Trace smiled to himself, hearing Justin admit his feelings out loud.  While JC’s eyebrows raised in surprise.  “You love her?” he questioned.

“Yeah.” Justin nodded.  “I love Kerrigan so I kissed her.  And then I told her I thought she was Britney.”

“YOU WHAT?” Trace exclaimed.  “Why the hell would you tell her something like that?”

“I panicked.  When I seen the look on her face I knew I had fucked up.  I shouldn’t have kissed her.  It’s too soon.  I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.  That I wouldn’t pursue her.  She’s been through too much.  But I just couldn’t help myself.  When I looked down at her after hearing that song I just had to kiss her, so I did.  And then the look on her face….and I….I couldn’t think of anything….and I…I just said the first thing that came to mind.” Justin stuttered, trying to explain.

“The first thing that came to your mind was that you thought she was Britney?  Are you completely insane?” Trace glared at him.

“Come on, Trace.  Calm down.  He obviously wasn’t thinking.” JC tried to intervene.

“Yeah, obviously not!” Trace retorted before heading off to find Kerrigan.

Justin turned and looked at JC.  “Man, I really fucked up.”

“I’m sure everything will be ok, J.  You’ve both been drinking and things just got out of hand.  Everything will be fine tomorrow.”

“No, C.  Things didn’t get out of hand.  I wanted to kiss her.  I’ve been wanting to kiss her for the longest time.  Since that night we all played truth or dare.” Justin paused.  “I kissed her a few weeks ago, ya know.  When we were in Virginia at a club with Pharrell and Chad.”

JC eyed him.  “What happened.”

Justin shrugged.  “She was upset.  Thinking about Cody and everything and I just got caught up in the moment because she was so upset and I just wanted to protect her.  I don’t know what made me kiss her then, but I did it.  But that was different.  I was able to explain that away.  I told her some bullshit about shutting her up and distracting her.  But tonight I really fucked up.  Kissing her again and then telling her that shit about Britney.”

“Why didn’t you just tell her the truth, J?  Why don’t you just tell her that you love her?” JC questioned.

“Because.  She’s not ready for that.  She’s been through too much shit, JC.  TOO MUCH SHIT!  And I cannot confuse her or take advantage of her in any way.  Besides, she doesn’t think of me like that.  And right now she’s lonely and vulnerable and if I tried to pursue her it wouldn’t be fair.  I just can’t do that to her.”

“Justin, you’re not going to know how she feels unless you ask her.  Don’t assume anything.  If you really love her the way you say you do and there’s a chance she feels the same you don’t want to let that opportunity pass you by.  You can’t risk that.”

“I just can’t do that.  Not right now.  Not when all her wounds are still so fresh.  Maybe later on down the road.  If she’s still talking to me then, but not now.”  Justin said, shaking his head.

“Well, nobody said you had to do it now.  And I seriously doubt that Kerrigan is going to quit talking to you over this.  She might be a little upset.  Probably fairly pissed at being compared to Britney, because you know how she hates the girl.  But I don’t think she’ll write you off because of one kiss.”

Justin looked up at JC.  “I told her not to hate me.” he paused.  “And she looked me dead in the eyes and told me she could never hate me.” he said solemnly.

“Well, see.  Everything will be fine.  Just give her some room to breath and maybe you guys can talk about it tomorrow.” JC suggested.

“Yeah, you’re right.  Tomorrow.” Justin nodded.

“Come on man.  Let’s got get you a drink.  You need something to calm your nerves.” JC chuckled.

Justin smiled at his friend.  “Yeah.” he said and followed JC towards the bar.

Meanwhile, Trace caught up with Kerrigan as she was headed for the entrance of the club.  “Where are you going?” he questioned, gently grabbing her by the arm.

Kerrigan sighed, she knew what Trace was there for.  He’d obviously seen what had happened and he was trying to play Mr. Fix It.  “I’m gonna go home, Trace.  I’m not feeling so good and I’m tried so I’m going home.”

“You can’t go home yet.  The party isn’t over.” he smiled, hoping to make her smile in return.  But it didn’t work.

“I know you saw what happened, Trace so don’t try to play like you didn’t.  I need to go home and think.  Clear my head.”

“You can clear your head here.” he stated.

“No I can’t.  There’s too many people and the music is too loud.  I just need to be alone for a while and calm down.”

“Are you pissed at him?” Trace asked.

“I’m not happy with him by any means.  He fucking said he mistook me for Britney.  I don’t look anything like Britney.  Unless he’s been hitting more than the bottle tonight.” she said angrily.

“Kerr….” Trace said.  “I’m sure he didn’t mean that.  He probably felt bad for what he did and used the first explanation that popped into his mind.”

“But BRITNEY?” she glared at him.

“Hey, don’t get mad at me.  I didn’t say it.” Trace said defensively.

“Look, Trace.  I don’t feel like playing games or arguing with you.  I’m going home and that’s final.  So just go back to the party and have a good time.  I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

She gave him a small smile.  “I’m sure, Trace.  I’m fine, I’m just a little pissed off at the moment and even more confused.  And I just need to be alone.  I’ll be fine.  If I need anything I’ll call the club, I have the number.  So just go back to the party and have a good time.  Besides, I’m sure Becca is probably wondering where the hell you ran off to.”

Trace nodded.  “Ok, fair enough.  Just call if you need anything.”

“I will.”

“You taking a taxi?”

“Yeah.” she nodded.

“Well, then I’ll walk you out and see you to the car then.” Trace said, taking her hand and leading her out of the club.

He flagged down a taxi and held the door open for Kerrigan as she got in.  “You sure you’re gonna be ok?”

“I’ll be fine, Trace.  Just go have fun.”

“Alright.  I’ll see ya when we get home then.  Or if not tonight in the morning.”

“OK.  See ya later.” she smiled.

Trace nodded and shut the door.  He watched Kerrigan give him a small wave as the Taxi drove off and then he retreated back into the club.
 

About twenty minutes later the taxi pulled up to Justin’s house and Kerrigan got out, paying the driver.  “Have a good night, ma’am.” he said.

“You too.” she smiled, shutting the door and heading for the house.

Kerrigan fished her keys out of her tiny purse and proceeded to unlock the door.  Once she was inside she relocked the door behind her and headed into the living room, setting her purse down on the table in the entry way.

The house was silent and she couldn’t ask for anything more.  She just needed some quiet time to herself to analyze what had happened at the club.  She was so confused.  That kiss had been ground shattering.  The emotions behind the kiss were what troubled her the most.

Kerrigan wasn’t sure if it was just her feelings coming through in the kiss or if it was something more.  She knew that she still cared about Justin.  That kiss had only reinforced that in her heart and mind, but there was more to it than that.

She wasn’t sure if it was just her hopeless imagination running away with her or if she had really felt what she thought she felt from Justin.  Love.  And if it was love, was it directed at her or was it really like he had said?  Did he really think for a moment that he was kissing Britney again?

There were so many thoughts running through her head that she couldn’t focus on just one.  The possibility that Justin could actually return her feelings was running rampant in her mind.  And as soon as she let herself get carried away with that idea, the whole Britney thing resurfaced.  And that only hurt her.  How could he think for even a moment that she was Britney?  She didn’t look anything like the girl.

It was all so confusing and Kerrigan didn’t know what to think.  She wanted so badly to believe that what she thought was love shining through that kiss really was love.  Justin’s possible love for her.  But there were just too many things that told her otherwise.  He didn’t care about her like that.  He never had and never would.  She was just Kerrigan.  She wasn’t anything special.  At least not in that sense.

Sighing in frustration, Kerrigan kicked her heals off and plopped down on the sofa.  It was going to be a long sleepless night and she knew it.  There was no way she was going to be able to sleep with all the thoughts that were running through her mind.

Hoping to distract herself she reached for the TV remote.  Maybe if she focused her attention on something else she would be able to drift off to sleep.  At least that was the plan.

She grabbed the remote from the table and turned towards the TV to flip it on.  The remote however fell to the floor when she saw who was standing in front of the TV.

“Hey, babe.” he said.

Kerrigan jumped to her feet and attempted to flee the room.  She screamed when she felt his hands grab her from behind, pulling her backwards.  “LET ME GO!  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” she screamed at the top of her lungs, knowing that in reality no one would be able to hear her.

“Not this time, Kerrigan.  This time we’re going to talk.” Cody said, dragging her back into the room.