Chapter 60

( a week later )

“Johnny, seemed pretty confident about everything.  I wouldn’t worry to much about it.” Trace said as he, Justin and Kerrigan walked back into the house.  They were returning from their meeting with Johnny.

“Who’s worried?” Justin asked, flopping down on the sofa as if he didn’t have a worry in the world.

Trace gave him a knowing look, then turned his attention to Kerrigan as she slowly eased herself down onto the other end of the sofa.  She was getting around much better, but when it came to getting up and sitting down she had to move very slowly.

“Do you believe him?” Trace asked her, smirking.

“Not the slightest.” she grinned, shaking her head.

“Whatever.  I’m cool as a cucumber.” Justin said, grabbing the remote off the table and flipping the TV on.

“Cool as a cucumber full of shit!” Trace snorted.

“Can we talk about something else, please?” Justin sighed, not wanting to think about the trial that would be coming up.  They didn’t know when yet, a date hadn’t been set, but either way he still didn’t want to think about it.

“Well, what do you want to talk about then?” Trace said, throwing himself down on the other sofa.

“Actually, I’d just rather watch TV than talk.  Do you think you can shut up long enough for me to do that?” Justin said, annoyed.

“Damn, someone’s got a stick up their ass!” Trace exclaimed jumping back up from the sofa.  He walked around to where Kerrigan was seated and held out a hand.  “Come on, Kerr.  Let’s leave Mr. Attitude to his TV.  We wouldn’t want to interrupt him.”

Kerrigan laughed and allowed Trace to help her up from the sofa.  “No, we wouldn’t want to do that.” she mocked.

“Would you two shut up and go if you‘re gonna go?” Justin groaned.

“We’re going, we’re going.” Trace laughed, he loved annoying Justin.  It was one of the many pleasures of being his best friend.

Justin sat on the sofa and watched from the corner of his eye as Trace and Kerrigan left the room.  Where they were going, he had no clue, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t thankful for the alone time.  The last week had been a week of many emotions, ranging anywhere from overjoyed to thoroughly depressed and confused.

It seemed like every night Kerrigan was ending up in his room with him.  Not that he minded that at all, in fact he rather enjoyed waking up next to her each morning.  But that was the problem, he enjoyed it too much.  So much that it was beginning to become a problem for him.

He wanted to hold her and he did, but he wanted to REALLY hold her.  He wanted to show her how much she meant to him and having her that close to him at night was becoming far too tempting.  He knew she wasn’t ready for anything like that.  Hell, it had only been a week since everything had went down.  But being that close to her, holding her, falling to sleep beside her and waking up next to her was making him realize a lot of things.

He realized that was what he wanted more than anything.  He wanted to fall asleep with her in his arms every night for the rest of his life.  He wanted to be able to show her how much he cared about her.  How he truly cared about her.  He wanted to be able to kiss her and eventually make love to her, but he couldn’t.  None of those things were possible and it was slowly starting to drive him insane.

He had even made the mistake of opening up and telling Trace about how he was feeling.  And of course Trace had been on him about it ever since.  Constantly lecturing Justin, telling him he should just tell Kerrigan how he feels.  Expressing that he thought Kerrigan felt the same way, which Justin refused to believe.  The thought was absurd to him.

Even if Trace were the slightest bit correct, there was no way she was ready for anything.  She had already been through too much and Justin didn’t feel comfortable expressing his feelings when he knew she was already overwhelmed with everything else that was going on.

She was about to go to trial for murder.  For killing someone that she actually hadn’t even killed.  That combined with everything she’d been through in the past and then everything that had happened the prior week, Justin knew there was no way he could add something else to her already full plate.  She had enough things to worry about without him adding any more.

But where did that leave him?  It left him exactly where he was at that very moment.  Sitting on the sofa, trying to distract his thoughts with the ramblings of the television.  Something he had been doing a lot of lately.  He wasn’t even concerned about his album sales.  Nope, the only thing that was on his mind was Kerrigan.

He watched her every move, every facial expression.  Analyzing everything hoping to find some glimpse of what Trace claimed to see, but so far he saw nothing.  Nothing more than a friend leaning on a friend in her time of need.

So once again Justin fell back on his promise to himself.  He wouldn’t pursue her.  He wouldn’t make any advances.  He would simply be her friend.

He loved her more than life itself and that he was sure of, but if the only thing she would ever be to him was a friend, then that was something he was willing to accept.  Because her happiness and well being was fair more important to him than his own.  So he would hold true to the pact he had made with himself and that would just have to be enough.

Or so he kept telling himself.  It was all really starting to become more than he could handle.  Hiding his feelings.  Holding back from kissing her when he felt the urge.  He prayed to God for the strength to remain strong.  To get him through the awkwardness that consumed him at times.

And more than anything, he prayed that Kerrigan did feel the same way.

( Later that evening )

Justin looked up as Kerrigan walked into the room.  His eyes followed her figure across the dimly lit room as she made her way over to the sofa, taking a seat at the opposite end from him.  She didn’t speak, he figured she didn’t want to interrupt him, as he appeared to be consumed in the movie he had been watching.

Justin kept his attention focused on the television for a few quiet minutes before he finally spoke up.  He couldn’t stand the silence that seemed to fall upon the room when she entered, even though the action scene on the TV was blaring loudly through the room.

“Where’s Trace at?” he asked, turning to look over at her.

Kerrigan pulled her eyes from the television to look at Justin.  “He went to pick Becca up, they were going to go out for dinner or something.  Not really sure.”

“Oh.” he paused in thought for a moment.  “When did he leave?  He didn’t even say bye or anything.”

Kerrigan smirked to herself.  “He didn’t want to interrupt you and get his head bitten off.”

Justin rolled his eyes.  “I wasn’t that damn bad.” he scoffed.

“No, not really.  But you did make it clear that you wanted to be alone, so we left you alone.”

“I didn’t want to be alone.” he lied.  “I just didn’t wanna talk about the trial and everything.  We talked about that enough on the way to Johnny’s office, then while were there, and then the whole damn way home.  I was sick of talking about and I just wanted to drop the subject for a while.  I would think you would be sick of talking about it too.”

Kerrigan shrugged.  “I am, but it’s not like I can avoid it.  It’s constantly running through the back of my mind.”

At her words Justin sat up a little straighter on the sofa, his eyes not wavering from her figure.  “Are you worried about it?”

She shrugged again.  “I’d be lying if I said no.  How can I not worry, J?  I mean this is serious, they’re trying me for murder.”

“But like Trace said, Johnny seems really confident.  You shouldn’t worry about it.  You should just forget about it for now, focus on getting better.”

“I know that, Justin.  Believe me I wish I could just forget and not think about it, but I can’t.  This is my reality right now and I have to face it at some point or another.”

“But this isn’t your reality, Kerrigan.  It’s mine.  I’m the one that killed him.  I shouldn’t have let you talk me into this crazy plan.  Now you’re worrying yourself over things you shouldn’t be worrying yourself over.  You’re hurt and sick and you  need to focus on getting better, not whether you’re going to end up in jail for something you didn’t do.”

Kerrigan sighed, she was tired of having this argument with him.  He just didn’t seem to get it at all.  Either way she would be worrying about something and the truth of the matter was that if it were Justin that was on trial, she’d probably be worrying even more.  “It really doesn’t matter now.  We can’t go back and change anything.  What’s done is done, so you might as well stop bringing that up.  I’m doing this to protect you, Justin.  Things would be far worse if you were in my position and you know it.”

“No, I don’t know it, Kerrigan.  All I know is that I wouldn’t feel so insanely guilty right now.  This just standing by and watching you take the rap for something I did is driving me crazy inside.  You’ve already been through so much shit and you don’t need this.”

Kerrigan sat up and looked him dead in the eyes.  “Justin, listen to me.  I’m doing this because I care about you.  Because I know and you know that if the situation was reversed things would be really bad for you.  I’m doing this for your own good.  Yes, I’ve been through a lot.  And yes, this isn’t easy on me.  But I’m doing this because I care, because I love you.  You mean a lot to me Justin and you told me once that you would do anything to protect me.  Well, I’ll do anything to protect you as well.  You’ve done so much for me in the past and this is my chance to repay you.  Granted, it’s not your typical type of repayment, but this is all I can do right now.  This helps me sleep better at night, cause I know that you’re ok and you’re not the one in danger of going to jail or having your career ripped away from you.”

“You’ve got so much more going for you than I do, Justin.  If I go to jail, it’s not that big of a loss.  But you.  Well, you would lose everything and I can’t just stand by and watch that happen.  Besides, the reason you killed Cody was because of me.  You were protecting me, so I’m just as much to blame for that as you are.”

“How can you say that?” he questioned, incredulously.

“Say what?”

“That you’ve got nothing going for you?  You’ve got SO much going for you, Kerrigan!”

“Like what, J?  I haven’t been to college.  I don’t have a career.  My life revolves around you and your career.”

Her words stung.  Was she bitter?  Did she regret spending the last few years of her life catering to him and helping him out?  Not going out on her own and setting up a life for herself.  “Are you saying you regret working for me?” he asked wearily, scared of what her response would be.

“No Justin, of course not!” she exclaimed.  “The last few years being on the road with you and the guys have been amazing, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.  That’s not what I was saying.  I just meant that I don’t really have anything going for me like you do.  Unlike you if I went to jail I wouldn’t have millions of devastated fans.  Nor would my career be ruined, because I don’t have one.”

“Maybe you wouldn’t have millions of devastated fans, but I know you’d have quite a few.  Do you honestly think that if you go to jail that me, Trace, the guys and your family are going to be happy about it?  Maybe you don’t have some college degree and a career from that, but you do have us.  I guess in a way you could say we’re your career.  And I don’t know how you feel about it but I know that we would all be devastated to lose you.  So your little explanation that you’ve got nothing going for you doesn’t fly with me, Kerr.”

“Justin, can we please not have this conversation again?” she pleaded.  She didn’t want to think about all of the things she would be missing out on if for some reason she did get sent to prison.  Nor did she want to think about all the people she would be leaving behind.

“What do you mean, again?  We’ve never talked about this before.  You’re always avoiding the subject and we really do need to talk about this.  As you said before this is your reality, but it’s not just yours Kerrigan, it’s mine too.  If you go to prison you’re not going to be around anymore and that’s something I don’t even want to imagine.”

“Justin….” she sighed.

“No!  I’m serious, Kerrigan.  We need to talk about this.”

“Well, what do you want me to say?  Do you want me to say that I WANT to go to prison?  Well, no, of course I don’t!  But this is what it is.  My argument isn’t going to change, Justin!  It’s better this way and that’s the way you should leave it.”

“Why is it better this way?  It can’t just be because of my career.  My career isn’t that damn important!”

“Don’t you lie to me, Justin Timberlake!” she glared at him.  “Your career means everything in the world to you!   You live and breath your music and without it you would be so miserable, you and I both know that.”

“Do you honestly believe that my career is more important to me than my friends and family?”

“Justin, please….”

“No seriously, Kerrigan.  Do you think that?  Because if you do, you’re SO very wrong.  I would give all this up in a heartbeat for the people I care about.  And those people include you and you should know that by now.  I don’t know when you developed such a low opinion of yourself, but you really need to fix that because it’s not flying with me.  You’re one of my BEST FRIENDS, Kerrigan and I love you.  I love you SO much and there isn’t a damn thing I wouldn’t do for you.  I’ve told you all of this before.  What do I have to do to get you to realize I’m not just talking shit, that I actually mean it?”

“I know you mean it, Justin.” she sighed.

“Then what the hell is the problem?” he asked, growing frustrated.

“The problem is I have no life.  Yeah, sure I have you guys and I have my family and you all mean the world to me, but outside of that I have nothing.  I don’t have a career.  I don’t have anything other than you guys.  So it’s not like I’d be losing much.”

“So we don’t count as much?” he asked defensively.  He just wanted a straight answer out of her and all he was getting was petty little excuses in his book.  Excuses that made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

“What does this have to do with why I’m doing this?  We’re getting off subject.”

“No, we’re precisely on subject.  I wanna know why you think you have nothing to lose, when you have just as much to lose as I do?  You need to explain that to me.”

“I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” she said, attempting to get up from the sofa.

Unfortunately for her she couldn’t move as quickly as she normally could and Justin was at her side in a millisecond, holding her in her place.  “No, Kerr.  We need to talk about this.  I’m not trying to upset you.  I just need to know.  It’s obviously something you feel strongly about.  I just don’t’ understand why you would think or feel that way.”

Not being able to contain herself any longer, Kerrigan blew up.  “Because I do ok!  You don’t understand what it’s like to be me, Justin.  I’ve made a lot of bad choices over the last few months and they haven’t gotten me anywhere but here.  This is all my fault to begin with, so I deserve to take the punishment for it.  I love you, Trace, the guys and my family but I’ve let you ALL down and this is my chance to save face.  Not to mention I don’t really have anything to live for anyways.  My life is so screwed up right now and I don’t have a clue as to where I need to start to repair it.  Or if it’s even repairable.  So you see?  It doesn’t really matter either way, because my life is such a mess that this couldn’t possibly make things any worse than they already are.”

“How could you think for a second that you deserve any of this, Kerrigan?  Just because you made a few bad choices?  We all make bad decisions.  We learn from them and we move on.  You’re being WAY too hard on yourself.”

“But you see, J I didn’t learn from them.  I just kept going and going and going.  And all because I wanted to be excepted and didn’t want to be alone.  All because I wanted someone to love me and see me for more than just the frumpy girl they’d grown up with.  I was a complete moron and I let my insecurities drive me to do things that I would have never done in the past.  And for what?  What did it get me?  Nothing but a whole lot of heartache.  And not just for me, but for my friends and family too.”

“And you think that makes you deserve this?  We all fuck up Kerrigan.  We all make mistakes.  It’s normal, it’s a part of life.  You cannot dwell on that.  God knows I’ve made my fair share.  You need to quit being so hard on yourself and look forward to the future.  Take what you’ve learned from your mistakes and don’t make them again.  Don’t let them hold you back.”

“Oh, trust me I won’t be making those mistakes again.  Besides it doesn’t really matter.  Cody, never really loved me anyways.  He was obsessed with some idea of me or something, hell I don’t know.  It was always about you and keeping me from you, having something you didn’t have.  Taking me from you.  It’s like he had some personal vendetta against you and he used me to see it through somehow.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Kerrigan.”

“I’m just telling you what he said.” she shrugged, settling back into the sofa.  Justin still had a firm grip on her arm and she knew he wasn’t about to let her go anywhere until he was ready.

“You mean to tell me he told you that?” he questioned.

“Well, not in so many words.  But he did say that he knew he would have me from the first moment he set eyes on me.  He said he knew it wouldn’t go over well with you, but that if he gave me just the right amount of attention I would fall for him and I did.  I fell for everything he said and all because I wanted to feel loved and appreciated.”

“I still don’t understand why you would think you weren’t loved or appreciated, Kerrigan.  You know that me and the guys woulda done anything for you.”

“But that’s different.  That’s all out of friendship.  I seen you and all the other guys with your girlfriends.  I wanted that.  I wanted someone to look at me the way Joey looks at Kelly, or the way you used to look at Britney.  I wanted to feel beautiful.  I wanted someone to want me.”

“But Kerrigan you are beautiful.  Why on earth would you think that you’re not beautiful?  You’re stunning.”

“Psh, yeah right.” she scoffed.  “Look at me, Justin!  I’m all black and blue.  I’m FAR from beautiful.”

Justin stared at her for a moment, looking deep into her eyes.  If only she knew how beautiful he thought she was.  “Kerrigan, right now you’re banged up, so of course that’s going to hinder your beauty somewhat.  But even now, even with your black eyes, busted lip, all the bruises, you’re still beautiful.”

“Justin, can we just not talk about this anymore?”

“Kerrigan.” he commanded her attention.  He scooted closer to her, taking her chin in his hand, looking deep into her eyes.  “Don’t for one second ever doubt your beauty.  You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met in my life.  And I don’t just mean in the personality sense.  You’re gorgeous, truly stunning.”

Kerrigan stared back into Justin’s eyes.  She saw his sincerity and it melted her heart.  How many years had she longed for him to speak those words to her?  “You really think so?” she asked, sheepishly.

Justin smiled at her, softly caressing her cheek as he still gently held her chin in his palm.  “Yes, I really think so.  You’re beautiful, Kerrigan.  And don’t you ever think different.” he said, leaning in towards her.

The urge to kiss her was overwhelming and it was like some force was pulling him towards her.  His eyes never wavered from hers as he slowly leaned towards her.  He couldn’t tell what was going on behind her eyes.  They were filled with sentiment and emotion, but he wasn’t sure if it was just what he had said or if it had been the whole conversation in general.

Realizing what he was about to do, Justin pulled up at the last second, kissing her on her forehead.  As he pulled back he locked eyes with her again, the urge to kiss her still strong as ever and he knew that he had to get away from her before he did something foolish.

“I’m sorry I was so pushy and if I upset you in any way.  I know you don’t need to be upset right now.  Just remember what I said ok, Kerr.  I love you, I’d do anything for you and you are so amazingly beautiful.  So if you ever have any doubts in the future, just think about that ok?  But now I’m gonna run downstairs to the studio.  I’m feeling a little creative and I need to get that out.”

“Oh, ok.” Kerrigan mumbled. She was confused as to why he was rushing off so quickly, when before he was hell bent on having this conversation out with her.  But she wasn’t going to argue with it.  She didn’t want to talk about any of that stuff to begin with.  And after the things he had just said to her she figured it was probably a good idea that she has some time alone.  There were a lot of things she needed to sort out in her head.