I lay over Adam’s bed and stare up at the ceiling. It’s a popcorn finish on it, al la the eighties, which is surprising because the apartment he rents is in upper Manhattan and was built only a year ago. I remember Adam telling me when he moved in that everything in the apartment reeked of modern sophisticate and once I stayed overnight with him I would never want to leave. Bullshit.

I refocus my eyes as Adam comes back into the bedroom and sits down at the edge of the bed, sipping some coffee he must have poured himself. I roll my neck to the side to get the kinks out of it and turn to look at him, “Coffee?”

He kicks my clothes to the side with his foot and nods, “Yep.”

“I don’t suppose you poured me any.”

He shakes his head, “You know where the kitchen is. That’s normally where the coffee resides in the morning.”

I give him my annoyed look but he either is ignoring it or is too ignorant to know what a look like the one I’m giving him means. I grasp the coffee cup in his hand and pull it away from him, “Thanks for the coffee.”

“No problem,” he replies sarcastically.

I take a sip and let it run down my throat slowly, enjoying the taste of the liquid. Adam throws me a towel and points to the bathroom, “I have a job to get to, you know what to do when you leave.”

I wrap myself in the towel and stand up, running my fingers through my tangled hair as I walk off to the bathroom.

“Meg?”

I turn around, “What?”

“Why aren’t you at Justin’s?”

My expression doesn’t change. I’ve learned how to keep my expressions pretty much to a minimal unless you really shock the shit out of me. Something inside of me however doesn’t appreciate the questioning. I’ve never had to answer to anyone ever. I turn back around to go into the bathroom but he persists, “I mean out of all the guys you were with, he’s the one who you normally run to. I’m the one you call when you want a quick fuck and are in the mood to get your ass kicked to the curb in the morning.”

“Maybe that’s what I want.”

________________________________________________________________________

I walk up to Meg’s apartment and wrap on the door steadily. To my surprise, a guy answers the door and it’s one I’ve never even seen before. He stands there waiting for me to say something and I try and calm my anger, “Is Meg here?”

The guy shakes his head sadly, “No, she must have stayed overnight with someone.”

I don’t move and after considering my options, one of which was to slug this guy in the stomach, I open my mouth, “So when did you start hooking up with Meg?”

The guy immediately starts to laugh really hard as I fail to see the humor. He puts his hand on my shoulder to brace himself, “I’m Meg’s brother Aiden.”

My expression changes and I loosen up a little, “Oh.”

He stands up strait and shakes his head, “Sorry I didn’t say something sooner, I just knew you by sight and assumed for some stupid reason you would know who I was.”

He resembles Meg in some of his features. Sandy blonde hair, blues eyes and the same laugh. But he isn’t as guarded as Meg is and there is this kind of comforting easygoing attitude that he has that tells you it’s okay to put your guard down around him. I clear my throat a little, “You said Meg stayed somewhere else?”

His face falls a little, “Yeah, I kind of assumed she was with you until you showed up this morning,” he says, scratching the back of his head.

“Why did she not spend the night here?” I ask, somewhat puzzled.

Aiden puts his hands in his pockets, “We got into it a little bit last night and she took off. I came over this morning to talk to her but obviously she isn’t here and her bed hasn’t been slept in.”

“Is she alright?” I ask concerned.

He nods, “I’m sure she’s just out with one of her guys she’s seeing.”

Like that thought was supposed to comfort me. I lick my lips slightly unsure of what to do as I stick out my hand, “It was nice meeting you.”

“Look man, I’m sure that’s not what you want to here right now. Why don’t you come inside for a minute and we’ll talk.”

I don’t really have an choices as he holds the door open so I step into the familiar apartment. Aiden was right I notice as I peer into the bedroom and see the bed sheets untouched. Aiden pulls out a chair for me at the kitchen table and pours himself some coffee, holding one out to me, “Want some?”

I shake my head no and take the chair offered to me. Aiden pulls up a seat and sits down. He takes a long sip of his coffee and focuses on me, “How old are you man?”

“Twenty six.”

“Okay,” he says, putting his coffee on the table, “Coming from someone who is older and who has known Meg since she was born, she is a train wreck.”

“Excuse me?”

Aiden sighs, “I love my sister more than anyone else on this planet but it doesn’t mean I’m going to lie to you. She is so screwed up that I can’t even begin to tell you. I just think it’s only fair you know before you get in further over your head.”

I sit back in shock at his words as I let them sink in, “What is her problem?”

He shrugs, “I’ll be damned if I know. I wish I did. On several occasions I’ve told her that maybe she should see a physiatrist and talk everything out but she doesn’t listen to me anymore.”

“I really care about her.”

Aiden raises his eyebrows, “No you don’t.”

His mocking tone rubs me the wrong way, “Yes I do. How would you know anyway?”

He smiles, “You are in love with her.”

I sit there silently as the truth hangs in the air. Aiden just swishes the coffee in his mug, “I’m not saying you don’t love her, I’m saying she isn’t in love with you and I don’t want to see anyone else get hurt in her wake.”

“What makes you think that she doesn’t love me?”

“Was she in your bed last night?”

I wrap my knuckles on the table in frustration. Aiden stands up and puts his cup in the sink, “I don’t like to think of her like that, but I can’t pretend nothing’s wrong with her either. I love her too much to do that.”

“Aiden!”

We both spin around to see Meg in the doorway.

________________________________________________________________________

I can barely bring myself to look at him right now. My jaw tightens as I see Justin sitting at the table and do my best to keep from losing it, “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to talk to you Meg.”

“Just get out.”

“Meg.”

“Get out,” I respond, raising my voice.

Aiden sighs and gets his coat off the back of the chair, heading out the door. I wait until I hear the door slam shut to look at Justin, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you. Imagine my surprise to hear you weren’t here.”

 No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And therell be no rest for these tired eyes
Im marking it down to learning
I am

Dont think that I can take another empty moment
Dont think that I can fake another hollow smile
Its not enough just to be sorry
Dont think that I could take another talk about it 

I ignore the questioning infidelity underlying in that sentence and move right on, “What did Aiden say to you?”

Justin stands up and leans against the table, “He was just giving me advice.”

“About what?”

“You.”

I play with my hair and gesture my hand to go on when he doesn’t, “And?”

“And nothing. He was just being a nice guy.”

“By telling you I’m fucked right?”

Justin flinches, “That’s not the terminology he used.”

I laugh harshly, “It never is.”

Just like me you got needs
And they’re only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we’ve tendered away

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I am

Don’t wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don’t wanna be somewhere where I just don’t belong
Where its not enough just be sorry

Don’t you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave till it all went away
And we’ve only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters we’ve made

“Look Meg, were you with another guy last night?”

I roll my eyes, “Justin just stop alright? Nothing you or I do during our off time from each other is ever brought up. You know the rules.”

“Well maybe I’m tired of the rules. I never had any say in the making of the rules anyway.”

“It has nothing to do with you.”

“Maybe it should,” he says, raising his voice to my level.

I slip my jacket off with my high heels and throw them in the opposite direction to which I’m going, “It doesn’t. It’s about me, not you.”

“Then I think we should end this thing.”

I turn to look at him and chuckle for no reason whatsoever, “Fine.”

“Fine? That’s all I get after all this time?”

“Don’t flatter yourself. I don’t give a damn who you are or what you do for a living. All I care is how things affect me,” I yell, “I have to look out for myself. So get out.”

“So that’s it then?” he says in surprise, “No we can work this out, let’s try harder?”

“What the fuck did you think we were doing here Justin? This isn’t a relationship. I’m fucking other guys and you’re fucking other girls. No questions asked.”

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I am

I am all that Ill ever be
When you - lay your hands
Over me but don’t go weak on me now
I know that its weak
But God help me I need this

Justin stands there for a minute until I throw his coat at him, “You can get out.”

“Great. Have a nice life.”

I don’t respond, rather flipping him off as he exits the apartment. I go through my cabinets one by one until I find a bottle of whisky and undo the top, pouring some into a glass and downing it.

I will not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I’m marking it down to learning
cause I am

I fucking hate men. If it were up to me I’d rid them from the earth. I pour myself another drink and draw myself a bath, sinking into it with a cigarette in my mouth and a bottle in my hand. Welcome to my life.