"Hi, I'm Emmanuelle."
It was like I was watching myself on a television drama. What was happening inside me was a pure state of confusion and panic. I know it seems like I'm probably overreacting, but no. I saw the way JC Chasez looked at this woman. There was no mistake in my mind that JC was attracted to this girl, physically at least. Body language doesn't lie.
Was it something I deserved? Finally being able to say, "I choose to be with you, JC" only to find that everything I'd been doing the past couple years was slapping me in the face at once? There was nothing to worry about if they were only talking to one another, yes that's true. But no one else saw what I saw. No one saw the smile on his face, fresh and new, like he'd never smiled before.
The second JC saw my face, it was like the blood had drained from his entrie body. He looked sick to his stomach.....disgusted even. He couldn't take his eyes off of mine, scared because he was unsure of what I might do. But why? There was nothing I could even TRY to do. JC wasn't my boyfriend. JC still had a girlfriend. JC had himself a new friend.
2001: "My heart did time in Siberia..."
"Zahra."
I snapped out of my daze and looked up into the deep blue eyes of Justin Timberlake. Not even his sweet, angel-faced self, could pull me out of the twisted and dark depths of my mind I sometimes found myself lost in. I glanced at my surroundings, remembering that I was in the studio with the guys again. They were recording a song entitled "Something Like You", written by Justin and Robin Wiley. I could barely even acknowledge the beauty of the song because I was so out of it.
"Yeah," I answered.
"We're taking a break, do you mind running out to grab us something to eat?" Justin asked as he handed me his debit card. I shook my head and took the card, quickly leaving the room. I left so fast, I didn't even stay to hear what they wanted to eat. I'll call him when I get in the car. Right now, I needed to get away from here. I didn't even get to turn the engine on before I heard the car door open and slam shut.
"Justin...," I said as I turned to my right. I quickly bit back my reaction of seeing it was not Justin at all in the passenger seat. JC.
It had been at least four or five weeks since the incident at the studio session. Of course, I politely greeted Emmanuelle and then asked Justin to take me home. I zoomed out of there like my feet were on fire, I didn't even hear JC finish the rest of my name as he called it out. I didn't take any of JC's phone calls mostly because....he never called. He didn't bother trying to explain himself. To me, that meant he was too shamed to face me. I could be wrong, but I could also be right.
Justin especially wanted me to be at the studio when they had started recording his track, which brought me here again. I felt terrible because I was there in flesh, but not in spirit. I didn't feel comfortable with being in such close quarters with JC. I just kept to myself, and lifted my head when I was being spoken to. It hurt Justin to see me this way, because he didn't know what was causing it. None of the guys did. Which meant, JC hadn't spoken a word about it. I think if the guys knew anyway, they'd probably think I was blowing things out if proportion. I know how men can be, just nonchalant about everything. They all seemed to get on well with Emmanuelle, especially Joey and Lance since they had been filming a movie with her.
I focused my eyes to the front of me and switched on the engine. I didn't even have it in me to throw JC out of the car. I barely think I cared enough to want to throw him out. I was quiet, not uttering a word to him, and I flipped on the stereo.
"Joey and Chris want Del Taco. Justin, Lance, and I want In-N-Out."
I didn't acknowledge anything he said out loud, but headed in the direction of the nearest Del Taco. Still, we drove in silence. Honestly, I didn't know what to say. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't hide the fact that I was feeling upset, because everyone in the studio knew I wasn't myself, even if they didn't know why.
"Zahra," JC said softly.
I felt my body tense up at the tone of his voice. I continued to keep my eyes on the road instead of answering him. But I know JC, and because I wasn't paying him any mind, he would talk to me until I spoke to him. If there was one thing I knew JC Chasez couldn't stand, it was being ignored. I was Queen of the Ignore.
"Zahra, talk to me."
I sniffed and moved my tongue over my teeth, humming the 102.7 KIIS FM tune.
"Zahhhhhraaaa," JC sang.
I looked behind me as I switched lanes, focusing all my attention back to the road. This was actually pretty new to me. I've never been successful at ignoring JC because I couldn't let myself. I always gave in.
"I'm not with Bobbi anymore," JC said.
Really now? Huh. That didn't make me feel like I thought it would. Finally, he breaks up with Blitzy and I don't feel any better. I was glad that he was able to free himself from her, but it wasn't for me. It was for his new friend and I knew it.
"We can finally be together."
Yeah, okay he just struck a nerve. I stopped the car and looked at JC. I was angry. He looked confused and a little afraid. Oh yes, be afraid Joshua. Be. Afraid.
"Don't you dare say that to me JC," I said. My voice was a few notches lower, sinister-like. "You broke up with Bobbi for Emmanuelle. Don't you even try to make it seem like it was for me."
"What? She's just a friend, Zahra."
"Just like I've been?" I shot. That quieted JC. I put the car in drive and pulled into the drive-thru of Del Taco. When we got up to the intercom, I rolled down the window and sat back. "Order what they want," I said to JC.
The car was silent as we drove to the next destination. How could he possibly think I'd believe that he left Bobbi so there could be an us? That just wasn't true and he knew it. I turned out of the In-N-Out parking lot and headed back to the studio. I could tell that the silence was taking JC to his breaking point. I pulled into the parking lot of the studio and shut off the car. I went to pull open the car door when the lock clicked shut. I snapped my head toward JC.
"I can still open the door, you know," I said.
"You can, but you still have to go through me to get into the studio," JC said.
I let out an annoyed sigh. "What JC, what do you want?"
"I want for you to listen to me and understand me clearly. Emmanuelle is just a friend. We all met her when we went on set with Joe and Lance."
"Okay, JC."
"I don't get you, Zahra." I didn't respond, only shooting him a 'what the hell are you talking about?' look. JC understood my face, rolling his eyes. "You get to play and screw around with Justin and that Montez dude, but I can't have a friend who's just a friend without you getting upset? You're being a hypocrite."
That shut me up. Okay. Justin and I did have something going on. JC didn't know it, but Justin and I had sex. He's right. Or...he was until I realized something. Yes, Justin and I did have a little fling going on, but that's how it's always been since we were kids. JC's the one who set it up for Justin and I to have something going on. Things only changed between JC and I when I was 16. By that time, I knew for sure that me and Justin were heading somewhere, that's why I never agreed to be his girlfriend. I thought Justin and I would have time for that later. These thoughts hit me hard; I can't believe I almost forgot about it.
"You make it seem like Justin randomly showed up. You placed him in this and made him a piece in your little game. All because you couldn't grow a pair and accept that you had a little crush on me. Dale made you come talk to me, right? For all these years you made it seem like it was Justin who asked you to come and introduce me to him. When in reality, Justin was clueless about me coming to meet him, wasn't he?" I asked.
"Zahra, you think you understand what happened that day, but you don’t. Regardless, you’ve expressed your love to me and you still carry on with Justin," JC responded.
"What's left for me to understand that can explain why you're running from me this time?"
......exactly like everyone said he would.
"I am not running from you..."
I scoffed. "You're not?"
I felt that strong wall of emotions I've been holding back, slowly start deteriorating. The pain was starting to show in my eyes, it could be heard in my voice, and I felt it in my heart.
"I feel like you can’t look at me without the life being sucked out of your face. When I stop feeling like that, then you can tell me you're not running from me."
I grabbed the Del Taco bags, unlocking the car door. I pushed it open, about to get out of the car, when I felt JC's hand on mine. I wanted to pull away, but I found myself looking into his eyes. Wow... . For the first time I've ever witnessed, it looked like there was no spark in JC's eyes as he stared back at me. There was nothing but fear and uncertainty masked behind a beautiful color. Seeing it for myself, I immediately felt the tears stream down my face, JC brushed his thumb across my cheeks, wiping them away.
"I wrote 'Selfish' for you," JC said, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Unless you really mean it, those are only lyrics to a song. Right now, you can't even pretend to mean every single word written. You thought that I wasn't ready to love you, when you've never been ready to love me, either. I just....I wish you would've gave yourself up sooner."
2001: Ain't no sunshine....or maybe there is
I hated feeling the way I felt. I didn't know it'd be this bad. Heartbreak, I mean. JC could not understand that it wasn't about him being friends with Emmanuelle. It was that he was building this "friendship" based on fear of being with me and possibly, pain left over from Bobbi. I think back to how I should've listened to what Celeste and Joey said, even my mom. But at what cost? I'd have just felt the same way, only years earlier. Pain would have never been inevitable.
Celeste thought ice cream, talking, and crying would help me get back on my feet. But, I didn't want to talk or cry. I was sick to death of crying. I despise it even more now. Eating ice cream? Sure, why not? The thing that hurts most is that, I feel like I'll never get to tell JC how I really feel about him. The thought that JC will never stop being scared of me is now trapped inside my brain.
Does JC automatically assume that I've never been scared? How long did it take before I could finally even admit to JC that I did love him? Last year. Almost exactly around this time. But I was stupid enough to think that at least if we were both scared, we could work through it together. My mistake. Again.
I've no choice but to move on. What's done is done.
----------
"So you've known those guys in *NSYNC since you were 12?" Christopher Montez asked me.
"Yeah. I have a brash, loud-mouthed friend from The Bronx to thank for that," I laughed.
The one person to put an actual smile on my face in almost a month. A Montez. Like everyone else, besides Celeste, I didn't tell Chris what happened. I didn't need to because, one, he didn't know enough about my life with the guys. I kept my knowing of them separate from my personal social life. The two wouldn't mix any better for me than it would for the guys. Still, whatever Montez thought I was going through, he was there to make me feel better.
"I think it's sad that I don't have to guess who you're talking about. I just know it's Cel," he smiled.
I chuckled softly as I laid my head on his shoulder. We were sitting next to each other on the fourth floor of our college's library, studying for our upcoming finals. The library was where we met almost two years ago. It was Chris' last year as an undergrad and I was really hoping he'd come back for grad school, but I knew it was a long shot. The guy worked his ass off for his grades and he had the opportunity to go to the best grad schools out there. Why would he come back?
"Is that the reason you've been down lately. You miss those dudes?" Chris asked.
They are doing the Popodyssey Tour now, and I won't be seeing them for awhile. But by now, I was so used to time constraints, I knew how to work around it. Chris was sweet for asking, the look on his face let me know how seriously concerned he was about me. I still couldn't tell him the real reason of why I was upset, though. I barely knew the real reason myself.
"Yeah, I won't be seeing them for awhile and.....I didn't give them the proper good-bye's," I replied, realizing that what I said was indeed true. I needed to call Justin and give him and the guys my love and support. And I mean ALL the guys.
I was over being angry at JC to the point where I used to miss his calls and ignore him. Now, I was just sulking in his leftover confusion. We still speak to each other, because I still felt the same whether we didn't talk or not. JC being scared and taking his course of action to feel mighty again, only made me scared of him. I don't know if I can trust JC. We've both been at the end of one another's manipulation, but...this was deliberation. I didn't know how to make myself think that JC wasn't going for this girl to intentionally hurt me.
"Aww, well, there's some lovely psychological studies you can read to make yourself feel better," Chris teased.
I nudged his arm, smiling at him. See? See how he was always encouraging me to feel better? Chris was such a great friend to me. In the back of my mind, I can't help but think of how much more better I could've been to him. How much better I will be.
"What do you say, after this, you come back to my house and....I make you dinner?" I offered.
I watched how Chris instinctively jerked back, eyebrows raised, thrown by my invitation. Crap, am I really that bad when it comes to us hanging out together? I know that I've never offered to cook him dinner....or so much as hint it, but damn.
"Yes....yes, I would love that," Chris smiled. I had never seen him smile at me in that way. It wasn't one of those smiles you give to be polite. Bashful, that's what his smile was.
"Great," I said as I spun my chair back to my little cubicle. My cheeks were warm. I chewed the inside of my cheek and spun back. "Do you have anything in mind that you want for dinner?"
Chris bit his lip. "Is that a trick question?"
I bit back my smile. "What do you mean?"
"What do you want me to mean?" he asked, grinning.
I shook my head and chuckled. Chris always flirted, but this was different. Everything about him right now wasn't how I was used to seeing him. I think I was finally seeing Chris as someone other than a classmate. We spent a lot of time together, told each other things, had many qualities and traits that gelled well with each other. He was there to cheer me up, or there when I needed him. He was sort of like....a best friend to me.
"Is THAT a trick question...," I smiled.
"Guess we'll find out," he said, sticking his nose back into his book. I blushed and did the same.
I sat at the counter, waiting for Chris to show up. He wanted to grab a shower before coming over. I did the same, and now I was waiting. I don't know why I'm nervous, Chris has been to my house so many times. He's such a well-known face around here, my mom doesn't even greet him individually anymore. She just says "hey kids". I giggle at that, actually. No matter how old we get, we're still kids.
The phone rang, and I quickly reached for it. Immediately, I started thinking it was Chris calling to tell me he couldn't come.
"Hello," I greeted.
"Hey..."
My mood deflated a little, just like that. It was JC.
"Hey...what's up?" I asked.
"Nothing much, just wondering what you were up to. We haven't spoken in a while," he replied.
I smiled. I smiled? "JC...it's only been a week and some change."
I heard his soft chuckle. I think that might have been a first, too. "It always feels longer when I don't speak to you."
I shifted in my seat. "Josh..."
"Zahra. Whether you choose to believe me or not, I miss you."
Once again, my body tensed up at the sound of his voice. "I miss you, too, JC." If only he knew how much...
"Do you still love me?" he asked.
I didn't want to be put in this type of mood, not when Chris was coming over. Did he think I was that upset with him? Even if I was, it would be hard to just stop loving someone I spent six or seven years being in love with.
"Of course I still love you," I replied. "The question is if you still love me."
"I do still love you, Zahra."
"Remember when we were in Florida last year and we got into that argument? We were in your kitchen, not speaking, when you came up to me and kissed me. You said that you could see it in my eyes how much I loved you, but you needed to hear it. I hear that you love me, but I don't see it...and I don't feel it." I heard my doorbell and I quickly wiped my face. "I've gotta go, Josh. I'll call you later tonight, okay?"
"Yeah...yeah of course," JC said solemnly.
I hung up the phone, needing to take a few breaths. I didn't like hearing him sound sad, and I'm sure he felt the same way about me. I wanted to be in those arms, kissing those sweet lips, feeling that slim frame pressed tightly against me. It wasn't easy to just go and be with JC. It never was.
I ran to the door and opened it. Chris came inside, his long curly hair pulled back into its' usual ponytail, a novelty t-shirt, and baggy jeans. We hugged, and I inhaled his scent, my knees got wobbly. He smelled amazing. I pushed the door close and went to meet Chris in the kitchen.
"So, you can have Italian, Mexican, or plain old American food," I said.
"I'd rather have something brown-skinned, about five feet tall, sweet smile, nice body, and the best personality ever, for dinner," Chris joked.
I rolled my eyes. "You're sick."
"Sick? How? For wanting the biggest chocolate bunny ever?" Chris teased.
I laughed at his silliness. "Out of the choices, dork."
"I'd love some Mexican food. What are we making?" he asked.
"We? I told you I'd make it," I replied.
"Yeah, but I think it's rude to let you do it alone. I'd love nothing more than to help."
"Thanks Chris. We're gonna make huge burritos. Let's hope we don't eat ourselves sick," I smiled.
"Great."
We stood in my kitchen, chopping up onions, lettuce, tomatoes, and peppers. I cooked the chicken while Chris was tending to the tortillas. The joking, the laughing, the conversations about any and everything....it all reminded me of JC. I know I shouldn't be thinking about him, but these days, it was all I did. I don't know if I was wishing for the day when he was no longer on my mind.
"Wow, we make the best burritos ever. I'll open up a food truck for extra hustle if you're down," Chris said, handing me a piece of gum.
"Yeah, right. I don't think either of our moms would be too pleased to hear their kids are in the food truck business," I said.
"It's funny how we're adults and to them we still look like children who can't do anything."
"Yeah, but that's forever how it'll be," I said grabbing our plates and placing them in the sink.
"Hey....thanks for inviting me to dinner, I had a lot of fun tonight."
"You're welcome. I had fun, too."
"Walk me to the door?" Chris asked.
I nodded and followed him to the door. I had my hands behind my back, fiddling with my fingers. Chris opened his arms for a hug and I indulged him. His hands wrapped around me, holding onto my lower back, as my palms were flat against his back.
He pulled away from me slower than usual, staring down at me. My eyes closed, feeling Chris' hand cupping the side of my face. Chris leaned closer to me and gently kissed my lips. I accepted, and he pulled me closer into him. His tongue caressed against mine, my arms wrapping around his neck. Chris continued to peck my lips a few times, and then we finally pulled apart. Oh my...
"Was this a date?" Chris asked.
I shrugged. "We did make dinner together....and we kissed each other good night. Sounds like a date."
Chris smiled and pecked my lips again. "Night."
"Night."
I was not expecting that kiss to happen. I also wasn't expecting myself to like it. I liked it a lot. This certainly wasn't what I had in mind for dinner. I have to tread softly.
