2001: All Reality, No Gimmicks
My nerves for this particular show was way higher than it needed to be. It was nowhere near showtime yet and I was completely bugging out over what would happen. I'm sure Celeste eventually tuned me out because I was grating on her last nerve. It was warranted, of course.
I guess I was actually nervous about the whole thing with JC and I coming to a close. And possibly something with Justin and I opening. It's stupid, it's risky, it's stupid, I know. If this was a tightrope that was barely held together in the middle, I would be walking on it with this one. But I have to explore this, I have to test my curiosity. I need to find some closure between Justin and I.
"Did you do it?" Celeste asked as we sat in the very back of the van, waiting for the guys.
"Do what?" I was so into playing my Gameboy, I didn't look up.
“I can't say break up, you weren't together. Err...the JC thing, dang it," she replied.
I paused my game and simply looked at her. She understood.
"Will you be okay?" she asked.
"Of course. I mean, I love him and that's the reason why this is necessary. I can't afford to lose him because we rushed things." I chuckled. "I constantly keep repeating this to myself so I know what I'm doing is right."
"It is right, Zee. Wanting to have a better relationship with someone you care about will always be right. You want to start out differently than how you did and that's fine. Besides, Justin and I will be there for you if things get rough and not to forget, three other guys who've also come into your life."
I smiled a bit and cuddled up against the window.
"Heyyy, let's get this show on the road!" Chris said as the van door swung open. He glanced at me and sat down, positioning himself in my direction. "What's the matter?"
My heart warmed with the concern he had on his face. Chris acted like a fool sometimes, but he really was another older brother to me. "Nothing, I'm fine. Just a morning grouch, that's all," I smiled.
"Good, don't wanna see a sad face before an exciting show, we're here to have fun." Chris pat my shoulder and moved a row up so he could sit.
As the others piled into the car, Justin asked Celeste if they could switch seats so he could sit next to me. She willingly agreed and moved up to sit between Joey and Lance. It was JC's turn to ride shotgun today. I waited until the car started before I made any conversation.
"Nervous about today?" I asked.
"Just a few jitters, but I'm alright. Did you and C talk last night?" he asked.
I nodded. "I'm fine before you even ask. I will be."
"Good, I want you to be," he said.
"You didn't sit back here for nothing. What's on your mind?" I asked.
"Well I thought about what we've been discussing," Justin began.
I slowly turned my head toward him. I don't know if I was wanting him to agree or wanting him to say no, I just wanted to know that I did try to make things between Justin and I change.
"What did you think?" I asked.
"I think..." He moved to grasp my hand, squeezing firmly. "I think we should give it a shot and see where we stand."
"Are you sure? We don't have to do this if you really don't want to," I assured.
The van came to a slow stop. "We'll talk about it another time, scout's honor."
We all got out of the van and parted ways. Celeste and I would find something to do until the show. Neither of us wanted to be a distraction by going to watch them rehearse. We'd find something to preoccupy ourselves. Though if it were up to me, I'd be stuffing my face with a bunch of junk food. Chocolate and chips make everything else seem so insignificant. Of course when you get diabetes and heart disease all in one go, that'll change.
"What were you and Justin talking about?" Celeste asked.
"Just the show. I was asking if he was nervous or anything. He seems pretty fine, nothing more than the usual jitters he gets," I replied. No one could know. No one.
"Is he still dating Britney?" she asked.
"I believe so, yes. Why?" Celeste was asking questions she knew the answer to. What is she up to?
"Because of the Wade thing. She seems like a great girl and if she did cheat on Justin, I think it was to get his attention," Celeste answered.
"You can't be serious. How does that even work?"
"You and I know how Justin is. That boy works like no tomorrow. His work ethic is damned unbelievable. J wants big things for his music career and he won't let anyone get in his way. Not even Brit."
"I don't know. I can't get too preachy, I have nothing to say seeing as how I'm not any better. Things happen that you can control and things happen that you can't. I had the control over my actions and so did she."
"Wait you and Justin? You guys had sex?" she asked.
"We had an encounter at the Bye Bye Bye shoot, but we didn't actually have sex until awhile back," I started. Celeste shook her head. "It was pity sex, we both were vulnerable. J would have never done those things if he didn't feel betrayed. Before that videoshoot, I couldn't get Justin's attention if I was lying naked in his bedroom. He really loves her, I don't think he's ever felt for anyone what he feels for her."
"I think he has," Celeste said, staring at me.
"Me? No. Justin chose Britney over me."
"Only because you chose JC over him," Celeste said, impressed with her quick remark.
"Hey I didn't choose JC. JC chose me," I explained.
"And you stopped him?"
"Obviously not. It was impossible to, seeing as how the crush I had as a preteen ended up returning the favor. And not even in alternate universes does that always happen without a catch."
"Maybe if you did walk away, you and JC wouldn't have fallen for each other. Good things can blossom from terrible situations. Come on, let's go do some last minute tourist activities."
Celeste and I went and did some shopping, took a shuttle back to the hotel, and just stayed there until it was close to show time. I know that Cel was trying to make good of all the messes I've created and gotten myself into, but I can't erase them. I'm trying to fix them now and do things differently. Hopefully that's what we're all trying to do.
2001: "Back to your lives, citizens."
The concert was amazing. I had a great time, and watching them perform got me a little emotional. From all their non-stop practicing back in the day, to watching them not miss a single beat on that stage. It was a surreal moment. I can hardly imagine what it must feel like to them. They worked damn hard for everything they have and I'm proud of them. I'm especially proud of Justin and JC.
JC and I spent the remainder of the Bahamas trip together, just enjoying each others' time. Even on the airplane ride back, he stayed by my side and held my hand through it. I wasn't too sure where they had to go next, but I was missing my bedroom and figured one of them would tell me after they got a second to breathe.
"Behhhhhhh-d, I'm hooooome!" I yelled out.
"What about me?" My mom came from the living room and hugged me.
"Hey mom, sorry, I just missed my bed so much," I teased.
"Well go on up and get some rest, we can talk about the trip later," she said.
I nodded and ran upstairs to my room. I was about to open my door when I heard talking from my brother's room. Uh...what the hell? I dropped my bags by my room and opened his door. My brother was sitting on his bed talking to some guy, I'm guessing a friend. The guy was ridiculously good looking, but had to be some sort of man whore if he was friends with my brother.
"Zavier, what the hell are you doing here?" I asked. My brother is two years older than I am. And a troll.
"I missed you, too little sis," he snapped.
"Hi Zay's sister," his friend smiled. He had that "look" in his eye.
"Hey Zay's friend," I grinned. I admit I was a bit flustered, his smile was amazing.
"Dude don't even," Zavier warned, looking at his friend. "Zahra, Dante...Dante, Zahra. Anyway, if you must know, I finished my last class of the semester and a visit home was due. You're supposed to be happy to see me, jerk."
"I am happy, but I just got back from the Bahamas, and wasn't expecting to see your face. But I've got stuff to do, later troll and troll's hot friend," I said, closing the door.
So much for having the basement all to myself. Great. I jumped in my bed and kicked my legs up against the wall. I hadn't done it in so long. At this moment, I'm not too upset about JC, I feel free. But I know come next week when he's probably snapped with Emmanuelle out somewhere, it'll sting. I wanted to grab a shower before I chilled out in my room and played some music as I unpacked. I was picking out clothes when my cellphone began to ring.
It was Justin. "Hey, what's up?"
"We're gonna be hanging out in LA for a few more days, so I thought I'd come see you," Justin said.
Wait did he just...?
"Are you asking me to come over?" I asked.
"Yes. Why do you sound so shocked?" he chuckled.
"Because you're ASKING. You and the guys never ask, you just show up. Oh my god, this is how other homeowners must feel," I explained.
He sighed heavily. "Bye!"
I giggled and threw my phone on the bed. I hurried out of my room and into the bathroom, didn't want Justin to get here before my shower was over. Once I got all clean, it was time to make the scurry back into my room. I didn't want Zavier's friend to come out of nowhere and see me. I poked my head out of the bathroom and scurried into my room, quickly closing the door.
"Close one, huh?"
I squeaked and jumped, turning around to a laughing Justin Timberlake. I went over to him and smacked his arm. I should have known that if I was expecting any one of the furious four, they would always be in my room before I got there.
"I don't know why I thought to expect something different. None of you bastards know how to wait patiently in the guest common area, also known as the living room," I said, grabbing clothes from out of my drawers.
"That's because I'm not a guest and I haven't been for a long time. Zavier was the one who told me to come up here," he smiled.
Figures. "Turn around. Don't peak or you'll lose your fronts," I warned.
"I've already seen you naked, I don't know why this is necessary," Justin said, but complied with my wish.
I put on my sibling stolen white v-neck, basketball shorts, and a pair of black socks.
"Okay, you're in the clear," I said while brushing my hair back into a simple high ponytail.
"Have you and C talked yet?" he asked.
I plopped down into my beanbag chair and shrugged. "No I don't think I was expecting to."
Justin nodded slightly. I wasn't stupid, I could read Justin like a book. But Justin wasn't stupid either, and I knew for sure that he had already finished my chapter. I don't think he was trying to get a rise out of me, but he was. The rise wasn't for him, he just wanted to see if I was feeling anything. Justin was always a bit more careful about my emotions than JC and Celeste were. If it was there, Jace or Cel weren't going to sidestep it for anyone's benefit. J and I were the sidesteppers, for the most part.
"Say it," I said.
"Don't know what you mean," he said.
"Why'd you ask what you knew the answer to, then?"
"Because I want something out of you. You know you don't ever have to hide how you feel from me. I can easily see right through that tough, warrior woman exterior. I know how you feel, I only want to hear you express it," Justin replied.
"I shouldn't feel anything, I was the one who made this decision," I said.
"You love him?" he asked.
"I don't want to talk about this," I said.
"Oh, but you have to. I need to know that if you and I are testing out "we", you're not using me as the rebound to save you. Don't I deserve to know?"
"I love him. I care about him a lot, that still doesn't change how I feel about you. You were there for me in ways that JC wasn't, growing up. We became closer to one another through letter, phone, whatever. When it all comes down to it, I'm very attracted to you and I know you're attracted to me. But what is what we have? We don't know, we haven't had the chance to explore it and this is what I want to do," I explained.
"What if it backfires and we end up hating each other?" Justin was seriously worried about that happening. I guess I can't blame him.
"Let's lay it all out on the table right now. Tell me exactly what you want and don't want out of this."
"The only thing I want from you, Zee, is to talk to me. You have to communicate with me.
I can't always read your mind. Oh and I totally get bedroom privileges, so don't be surprised if I'm in here randomly," Justin said.
"You do that anyway, so I don't know why you're even saying that," I laughed. "Deal. And this isn't some constricted type of arrangement. We're just going with the flow."
"Same here. Oh yeah, and please keep the PDA to a minimum. I know how you like to get handsy," Justin teased. I threw a pillow at him. "No, but seriously, is EVERYTHING off limits?"
"I can't say that we won't have sex, because then it'll happen. It's already obvious we're sexually attracted to each other and can have a sexual relationship. Know that sex isn't all I want from you, Justin."
"Going with the flow, right?" Justin assured.
"Right. At least if it doesn't work out, we already know that we can and will continue to be close friends."
"You know it'll be hard, right? Especially making it seem as if nothing is going on between us," Justin said.
"I know, but we've done it before, right?" I asked.
"Letters and telephone calls don't count," he replied.
"Do to. But if it satisfies you, let's try to not be together where cameras might see us."
"Agreed."
Justin ran his fingers over his hair. I took a second to let myself be mesmerized by how amazing he looked. That baby face would never go away, no matter how much older he got. The guy was just good-looking. Even if he wasn't your type, you could never deny his cuteness. Looking at him now, I miss teenage Justin so much. I feel like I missed out on him due to the distance and then because of *NSYNC. I began feeling like I didn't know Justin at all. Maybe I truly don't.
Thinking I didn't know the person I claimed I knew, made my feelings hurt. If I could never be a girlfriend, I always wanted to be a great friend and I don't think I was anymore. To him or to JC. Without giving it much thought, I got up from the bean bag chair and walked over to Justin, he was sitting on the edge of my bed, quickly bouncing his leg up and down. I sat down on his lap and hugged him.
That's all I wanted to do, was just hug him. He didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing, but he did hug me back.
"Hey, what's the matter?" he asked, gently breaking away from the hug.
"In all the time we've known each other, I can't look at you and say I know everything about you. I don't know you and I don't like it, Justin," I said.
Those blue puppy dog eyes of his looked up into mine. "When did things get this way?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I'm definitely to blame. Some drama would happen, and you know how I am, silence is my punishment. I pushed everyone away and kept them away until I was ready."
"You know if none of this works out, this would still be the greatest thing because we're spending time getting to know each other on a deeper level."
"Definitely," I agreed.
"Zahra I need to ask you something, but don't get upset, alright?"
I nodded. I think I had an inkling of where this was going. I mean I was sitting on his lap.
"What started you and JC? It was a total left field crush. Especially since I asked you to be my girlfriend the first time I came to visit you."
Oh. What the hell? That was WAY off the mark of what I thought he was going to ask. Get your mind out of your pants, Zahra. Or better yet, out of his. I actually feel very embarrassed by this. Guess I've been Gerty McPervy all this time. Go figure.
"JC started me and JC. But the precise moment my crush became a two-way thing? You and I were attempting to have phone sex."
"Oh no, please don't let me relive that," he smiled, covering his face.
"Aww, it was cute for us. Those teenage hormones took over after I got those pictures you mailed to me," I joked.
"Quick question before you move on. Did you ever....you know, enjoy yourself to those pictures?" he asked.
"Get out," I replied. He laughed and swatted my comment away. "ANYWAY. JC was listening at the door and he coughed. I got up and banged on the bathroom door for him to come out. He was was dripping wet, towel around his waist, we traded insults, as we did often back then, and then he kissed me."
I purposely left out the details that my mind wouldn't ever erase. I didn't want Justin to know JC was my first kiss. I'd rather him think it was some guy from when I was in middle school.
"And that's what led to all of this. Was it worth it?" he asked.
I shrugged and then looked him right in his eyes. "Yes and it will continue to be."
Justin nodded slightly. He took a deep breath and exhaled, before coiling his fingers around the front of my shirt, and pulling me toward him so our lips could meet. It was a sweet and innocent kiss, but so comforting.
"Pinky swear we'll talk like this from now on. I noticed that I didn't get the full story, just the watered down version. It's okay to tell me how you felt or how you're feeling. It's okay to to FEEL, Zahra. It makes you human."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Fluffy chapter. I'm still trying to get a feel for what I want my characters to be like as they evolve. I really want to work on character development as well as a continuous, consistent plot line.
Hang in there with me. :)
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers outdoorsex tour soloj triangles celebritysync jc justin friendswithbenefits
