Some nights I would cry myself to sleep, thinking about how messed up things started out between JC and I. Some nights I would regret the things I said or did and didn't say or do. But most nights, all I did was toss and turn, thinking about how I let myself fall for two men. For years I thought I understood why I felt the way I did about them individually, but I don't understand. What was it that one did for me that the other didn't? What is it that I THINK one does for me that the other doesn't? I don't know.
2002: New Year...New Me?
The new year felt like the freshest start I ever had. I was single, I wasn't messing with someone else's boyfriend or doing any sneaking around. I simply enjoyed me. When Montez got back from his vacation in Puerto Rico, we had a discussion that spread out over the course of a couple days and talked about everything that led to us kissing. It wasn't all peaches and cream, we did hash it out, but at the end we came to the understanding that for right now, being friends was the only place our relationship could go.
Montez also helped me put some perspective on the decisions I was making. The one thing I admired about Chris was that he was very straightforward and honest, but with impeccable tact. He flat out told me that it wasn't a smart idea to try and force something to happen with Justin. But if I was adamant at wanting to navigate unexplored ventures, then I would have to let things happen on its own. No words, no agreement, no secret conversation, nothing could stop something from happening or not happening between Justin and I. If it was meant to be, it'd be and if it wasn't, "don't try to make it be".
Makes sense. Stubborn me took the advice and that's why I've been okay lately. Justin and I didn't do anything different. The only thing that changed was he would come and spend his days off with me. Nothing between JC and I changed much either. He still comes over as often as he used to. I know I wasn't the only reason for him to keep coming back, though. My guess was he knew if he wasn't in Bowie, here was always home. Here was the comfort he was used to. He knew Ms. Camden was Mama Camden and she loved him like she loved me and Zavier.
Hmm.
I was hoping that for Justin's birthday he would come see me and we could do something special, then for my birthday we'd go wild. I'm thinking we drive to Las Vegas and go crazy. But I wasn't sure of his plans. I wasn't sure of any of the guys' plans, really. I wanted to call him, but taking on this 'go with the flow' thing, I'll wait until it's a bit closer to his birthday to see if I hear anything.
"Zahra!!"
Only one person would be so loud, instead of coming upstairs. You can take the girl out of the Bronx.
"I'm coming, Celeste."
I jogged downstairs and met up with Cel in the living room, she looked like she had something she was bursting out the seams of her clothes to tell me. Nothing could be that important because with Cel, you have to take her excitement about things with a grain of salt. But, you have to be as excited when she tells you or else she won't shut up for the next three days about it.
"Are you ready for the best news ever?" she asked me.
"Yes. I am so ready," I said robotically.
Celeste rolled her eyes. "Little kickback. JC's house. For you and Justin turning 21."
My eyes widened, I was actually shocked by her news. Which, in all honesty, is a first of all firsts. A party for Justin and I? Thrown by JC? Why does this sound good but doesn't appear to BE good? With these guys, I have to squint my eyes a tad.
"Say what. Why wasn't I informed about this?" I asked.
"It's a spontaneous event. I know that look, you're GOING," she answered.
"You're saying this like it's tonight," I scoffed. Celeste bit her lip nervously and smiled widely. "It's TONIGHT? Celeste, I can't be ready for a party for ME by tonight!"
"I feel insulted, the good witch of the east is here and you're worried. Honey, I'm going to make you look so hot, the women will be going after you. Do you trust me?" she asked.
"Of course I don't, but since I have no choice because you boneheads didn't include me in any of this, you have the reins," I answered.
"Great. Now...you do realize that once I dress your sexy self up, the men won't be able to keep their eyes off of you. Are you prepared for this?" she asked.
"Yes, because if I pull a stupid face the whole time, I'll be less attractive," I teased.
"Get upstairs!"
A party tonight? I'm wondering if this was supposed to be a surprise party and flappy mcflap lips spilled the beans. But by now, Jace is well aware Celeste has a big mouth. Why would he tell her if he knew she would tell me and Justin? What's the truth behind what is going on here? I haven't had super lengthy conversations with him as of late, but when we have spoken, he never once mentioned a party. I had to be reading way too much into the entire situation, but only because I was worried. I didn't care about having all eyes on me and mouths drooling. I was more concerned about putting myself right back into a sticky situation. I know I'm mature enough to control my actions and myself.
Who the hell am I kidding?
2002: The 21st Birthday Bash
Let me express my sentiment about how Celeste dressed me. Now, I am perfectly fine fading into the background amongst others. I have no qualms. That probably WON'T be happening tonight. Celeste straightened my hair out and did some loose wavy-curls. She did light makeup: eyeliner, shadow, and I was in control of my lipstick. I went for a navy blue from MAC. This dress. Dear God. I didn't even know I had curves like this until I got into this dress. It was long-sleeved, stopped two inches above my knees, and the design was a v-neck scoop in the front. It was navy blue color and had some weird coordinating pattern all around the hem. Instead of making me wear heels, I was allowed to wear my flat, black leather calf-boots. I looked at myself in the mirror. Normally I wasn't comfortable with the skin-tight dresses, but since I got a pass and was in shoes I wanted to wear, I felt great in what I was wearing.
"You look amazing. If I didn’t have taste, I'd totally make you my girlfriend," Celeste joked.
I pushed her in the arm. “Thanks jerk, I definitely look like I'll be 21. You don't think I'll be too much? You know I have this thing with Justin and JC finally squared out. I don't want to make it worse," I lamented.
"Don’t ever say that. You could walk in wearing sweat pants, and those two would still think you were drop dead gorgeous. Doesn't matter what you wear. Accentuate the great ass, tits, and hips, because you have it. None of it is for them. You do look great though. Hell, even Lance will drool over you," she said.
"Why did you say it like Lance would never?" I asked.
Celeste quickly shut her mouth. She began to stammer. "W-Well, you don't know? Look, let him tell you alright? It's better that way. Come on, grab your clutch and let's go."
As I sat in the passenger seat of Celeste's car, I thought about what she said in regards to Lance. What the hell was going on here and how did I miss it? Soon enough, I pushed it to the back of my mind for another time and felt the nerves rise as we approached JC's home. Although I still had a key, I hadn't been to his place in a long while. Now that he was dating Emmanuelle, I made myself forget I had access to him.
A friend of JC's opened the door and let us in, the way he was looking at us let me know that not only was my outfit working for me, Cel's dress was doing WONDERS for her. The entire house was illuminated by strobe lights, the music was loud, blasting 'What's Luv?' by Fat Joe, and we made our way through the crowd to find the "VIP area" where our loves were. When I saw Cel reach forward and begin to hug, I knew we'd reached our destination. There was an area set up nearby the DJ booth where all the guys were sitting and talking to their guests and the dance area was located in the living room. With all the furniture cleared out, it was actually huge. Once I saw Justin, he jumped to his feet and hugged me tightly. I caressed my fingers through his curls, at the back of his head. Who the hell was this man hugging me and making my insides go crazy? I don't know what it was about the Bahamas that agreed with him, but it carried all the way back to the US and stuck around.
"Fuck you for wearing that dress, Zee, seriously," he spoke into my ear. I hid my smile.
"It was Celeste's idea," I spoke back, still locked in his embrace.
"You look beautiful and I don't know what'll happen later, so I'm saying sorry now if my hands can’t stay away from you while we're dancing."
"You look amazing, J. Happy Birthday by the way, and I love you, but you're cutting off my air supply here."
He chuckled and let me go, taking one last look at me before shaking his head and going off toward the kitchen. I greeted Chris, Joey, and Lance, then saw JC. Once he saw me, it was like he froze. Stone stiff. I smiled and walked over to him.
"Hey Jace!" I said.
JC was absolutely stunned. I honestly couldn't understand why because HE was burning my eyes. His hair was curlier and a little longer, he wore a shirt, a vest, and some jeans. Simple, but it was doing it ALL for me. It took him a second before he pulled me into a hug, but when he did, it was the most strong and gentle hug ever. Yeah, I know...how? I don't know, ask him. I went numb being in his arms...I need to be strong. Be. Strong. The way his fingers caressed against my lower back, it felt like he was about to undress me.
"Hey," he finally whispered. "You look gorgeous. Almost like a sorta cute woman."
I snickered at his tease. "You look great, I mean it."
"Can I be blunt?" he asked.
"Always."
"I wanna take you upstairs," he whispered. And just like that, I was in heat. How the fuck does he DO that?
"JC don't do this to me."
"You don't understand, Zee. You're not seeing what I am," he said.
"But I am seeing the equivalent."
I heard his soft laugh in my ear. "We're gonna get into trouble if we don't break apart, aren't we?"
I nuzzled against his collarbone. "Lots and lots of trouble, babe."
"You're asking to be my wife, you know that?" he teased.
"Maybe I'll say yes."
I kissed his cheek and broke our embrace. I had to let go. If I didn't, we'd both disappear up into his bedroom. We've been doing so well, things had finally gone back to the way they used to be. I didn't want to mess it up.
I hadn't realized the full punch of what I had last said until I let the words simmer for a while. In summation, I pretty much said 'I do' to JC. I couldn't tell if I shocked him so much, it scared him; he looked pretty relaxed mingling with the guests. One thing is for certain, though, the night won't end until JC pulls me aside so we can discuss it. I can't say I'm not hoping that's what he'll do, I laid down a serious statement. What ended up being so foreign to me was...I didn't say it simply to end the flirting. It floated off of my lips differently. It was such an ease I was rarely familiar with.
Blocking it out of my mind, I took myself over to the dance floor and grooved away that little voice in my head telling me to go grab JC and talk about it now. Didn't take long before I was being asked to dance. Being a bit of a party girl, I couldn't say no. I lived it up and had fun like it would be my last. These moments I couldn't take for granted, time was going by quickly.
After having my fun on the floor, I went to the kitchen to grab myself some water and cool off outside. A couple of minutes of relaxing on the swing chair and I heard the sliding door open and shut. I turned around to see who it was and it was my birthday buddy.
"Hey Justin, what are you doing out here?" I asked.
"I came out here to find you and ask the same thing," he smiled.
"Oh, I'm cooling off...taking a quick break," I answered. "What's the verdict? You having a good time?"
"Yeah, a great time, really. Good food, good drinks, and all my great friends, couldn't get any better."
"Here, here," I agreed.
"I wanted to talk to you about something." Justin sounded very serious. Something was weighing on his mind. I wonder if this was about Britney.
"Then let's talk," I encouraged.
"I....I've been writing. I've been writing A LOT and I've been thinking about doing my own thing after the tour wraps up," he began.
"Own thing? Like going solo?" I asked.
"Sorta...just during our break. Only to see what could happen. I want to dabble in other things that don't sound like "NSYNC" and see what could come of it, if anything at all."
"Have you talked to the guys?" I asked.
"Not yet, I'm still thinking," he replied.
"I'm not sure how this is going to blow over with the others," I said.
"I don't, either. But I have to try. I have to, or else I'll end up resenting NSYNC."
"I support you. I always will. I just hope you understand what you're about to put yourself in the midst of."
"Thanks, Zee. I was hoping we could talk more about it after the party," he said.
"Of course, J."
Justin had a lot on his mind. I'd never seen him so apprehensive yet so confident before. What exactly was he worried about? I could think of tens of reasons, but it doesn't mean any of them would be right. We sure did need to talk, because this was big. I'm not sure if he knew the possible consequences that might come along.
This decision could change everything.
"Come sit down, hang with me for a few minutes," I said.
Justin came and sat down, keeping his feet planted on the ground so he could swing us back and forth. I moved in closer to him and laid my head down on his shoulder. He was so warm, inviting, and he smelled great. I gently sniffed his neck and he jumped a bit.
"What're you doin?" he giggled.
"I'm cuddling with you, outside, on a swing, and nuzzling your neck," I replied softly.
"If I told you something, would you cuddle me even closer?" he asked.
"Tell me what?"
"Britney and I, we've decided to lay our relationship to rest. We're not making it public until we're ready, though."
I wrapped my arms around his torso and he lifted his arm to place around my shoulder. So this was why I couldn't pinpoint what was going on, there was more than one issue happening. "Justin I'm sorry."
"Are you really?"
"Regardless of how I feel about you, I know how you feel about her and I wouldn't ever want you to be hurt," I explained.
"Thanks Zee. You've been so different these past couple of weeks. Whatever it is, I've missed this side of you for a long time."
I didn't know how to ask what he meant without making it seem like I was trying to corner him, so I took his comment for what it was. I guess getting wrapped up in all those hormones and emotions changed who I was. I never wanted that, but I'm glad I made it back to who I used to be.
"This side of me?" Okay, I had to know.
"When JC and I went back to Orlando for the group, things changed. We all changed. We weren't as close as we wanted to be anymore and it showed. I'm happy that we're all back to normal."
"Yeah, but now the group might not be together anymore."
2001: Can I Take That Back? Will I?
I made myself completely anxious because I kept thinking about what I had said to JC. Yes, it was a teasing comeback. Yes, it was banter. But no, I didn't plan to say that. I stayed outside long after Justin had gone back inside. The end result was me riling myself up I had to go outside to get air. I was already outside! I took a couple of deep breaths before I went back inside and sure enough, JC spotted me and pulled me to the dance floor. He lifted my arms on his shoulder and placed his hands on my waist. His palms were warm. 'Nice and Slow' by Usher was blaring throughout the party.
JC danced me slowly, my body was pressed closely against his. His lips grazed against my neck and his fingers were cradled in the dip of my back. I sighed gently into his ear. I enjoyed when he held me. I know it didn't seem as if I wanted intimacy, but I did. JC knew how to cater to giving me what I wanted when I didn't know how to emote it. His hands sank into my back, forcing me closer to the front of his frame. He began to make small body rolls against me, and I felt the fine hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up.
"JC, be good," I whispered.
"I don't want to."
"Then what do you want?" I asked.
"You don't want to know," he chuckled.
"Just dance with me, you fool," I smiled.
The rest of the night I enjoyed myself. I danced with JC, I danced with Justin, I danced with Joey. Lots of dancing with J's. It was great to simply have fun without worrying whether something was going to happen or not. I finally let go and went wild. It was time I did so. As the party was winding down around 1 AM, everyone was getting in their goodbye's. Celeste and I had a quick little chat before she cleared out. Naturally, she tried to sneak me condoms seeing as how I decided to stay back and help JC start cleaning. This girl! I was staying because I obviously wasn't going home. Also, because I know we had to talk. Doesn't mean anything will happen. Sure, we might kiss, but to be honest I haven't kissed him in a while. And we both seem to be just fine.
"Thanks for staying and helping me, Zee."
"No problem, you know I'd do anything for you," I said.
"Anything? Would you tell me what you meant earlier?" he asked. I know Joshua like the back of my hand, if I didn't know it was coming for five hours, I wouldn't be so prepared.
"Tell me your opinion about it," I replied.
"Correct this if I'm wrong but, to me, it sounded like you were saying you'd say yes to marrying me. Is that what you were saying Zahra? Would you marry me?" JC was very inquisitive about this? He even stopped what he was doing.
"I would."
I don't believe I have EVER seen JC look at me the way he was looking at me now. How could I explain this? It was as if he was seeing me for the first time in his life. Maybe he was. Maybe he was seeing me as a woman and not as the teen fanatic who used to grin wide enough to measure 8 states every time he spoke to her. Maybe he was seeing me as someone he could actually build a meaningful relationship with.
"What," I finally said.
"I know you want to torture me for all the years I tortured you, and I deserve it."
"Jos--"
"No, hear me out. I know I tell you I love you, but you don't know how much I mean it. I don't even think I knew how much until just now," JC explained.
I didn't know what to say. This was different than any other one on one I'd ever had with JC. The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me. What could I possibly say in response?
"I want you to know that I'm holding you to those words. And I'm doing that because if you asked me to marry you, I'd say yes without a second thought."
I blinked the tears away. I was in pain. This man standing before my eyes loved me whole-heartedly and I wasn't able to return it the same in full force. I felt myself quickly unraveling and I completely broke down. I fell apart. I dropped down to sit on the floor because the rush of emotions was too much. JC quickly came over to me and wrapped me up in his arms. He's never seen me like this before, and in not knowing what to do, he cuddled me in silence.
"No matter what happens between us, Zee, you will always be the one I fell all the way in love with. Always."
Author's Chapter Notes:
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Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers outdoorsex tour soloj triangles celebritysync jc justin friendswithbenefits
