Author's Chapter Notes:
For the Valentine's Day Challenge. :]
I try to see the best in things. Sometimes I can't, but for this instance I tried. Justin spoke with me about wanting to try a solo project. I backed him and gave him my support as ploy for seeing the optimistic side of things. When in reality, I got a bad feeling as soon as he mentioned it. I've never been one to hide from the truth. Justin has always been the fairly popular one out of the group. The youngest and/or lead singers usually are. Justin told me the guys talked about it at their next meeting and were for it. Lance verified this for me and JC verified it.
Great.
I was invited to some studio sessions and I got to hear what Justin was working on. That's when I became superbly worried. It wasn't that I hated the music, that wasn't it, I loved the music. That was the problem. I LOVED it. And I could feel that other people would, too. There was no doubt in my mind, once I got to know Justin, that he was destined for something great. He wanted it that bad and he worked for it.
This album was going to be big for him and I'm afraid.
2002: Something Less, But More
"Zee, what'd you think of the track?" Justin asked me.
I snapped out of my ridiculously imaginative daydream daze and nodded my head. What'd he ask me? Shit. Was it water? Justin stood, squinting his eyes at me, like he was waiting for me to say something. Oh yeah! He wanted to know what I thought!
"It was great, I loved it," I finally said.
Justin twisted his lips and crossed his arms. He wasn't buying any of what I said. Figures. He looked so much like his mom when she used to get at us for running around the lot at MGM studios. It freaked me out.
"You could at least attempt at lying better if you weren't paying attention," Justin said.
"I'm sorry, I was out of it. I almost couldn't remember what you asked me," I covered.
"You've been like that the past three days I've brought you here. What's going on Zahra?" he asked.
I didn't want to tell him. No I couldn't tell him. There's no way to explain how I felt without making J feel as if he was doing something wrong. He wasn't. Wanting to try something new is never wrong.
"I love everything you've been doing," I answered.
"Zahra."
"Whaaaat? I'm telling the truth!"
"Zee?"
"Justin, this isn't the time nor place to discuss anything, if there's anything to discuss. We'll go to your place after you finish up and talk. Scout's honor," I promised.
With that, Justin nodded his head and went back to work. We were there until about ten at night and he looked beat up. We both did. I offered to drive so he could sit down and relax on the drive back to his house. There wasn't much talking between us, I preferred to have the radio playing while I thought of how I was going to approach this talk. It really did bug me how easily Justin could see through me sometimes. How did he know I was lying? My MOM never even knew I would lie because I learned how to master looking directly in her eyes. I stopped racking my brain once I began to pull into his driveway. Damn, I wasted my time thinking about how I got caught.
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that Justin bought a house in LA? Justin bought a house in LA. I sauntered up to the front door and let us in. Oh did I forget to mention I have a key to this new house? I have a key to Justin's house. I dropped my keys on the kitchen counter and opened the fridge to grab a bottled water.
"Alright, are you gonna hash it out with me or are you going to bed?" I asked.
"We don't have to hash it out if you tell me what's been bothering you as of late," he replied.
"Then you have revoked the right to get upset with me. Sure you wanna know?" I warned.
"Yes, I do."
"As soon as this album comes out, you know things are going to be different, right?" I asked.
"Yeah...," he trailed.
"I mean different as in, it'll be a success and well, you know."
I couldn't say it.
"And well, you know, what?"
"And things won't be the same between you and the guys," I finished.
Justin scoffed. "How can you possibly say that? I've known them for pretty much half of my life."
"Things change. I'm not saying that you'll love them any less, but things will be different." I had to leave it at that. I couldn't say what I really wanted to say.
"Okay." Justin himself didn't want to push me further. I think he knew what I was getting at, he just wasn't going to ever admit to something so farfetched. "See? Easy. We didn't hash it out."
"Go on up to bed then, I'll sleep down here," I said.
"I'm not letting you sleep on a couch. You have a key here, so you always have a bed to sleep in. The way you've been suggesting that I'm an asshole? It actually hurts."
Justin took my hand and I followed him upstairs. I didn't mean to make him feel like he wasn't a sweet and caring person, because he was. I haven't been around Justin this much in a long time, I had some adjusting to get used to. I didn't know who he was as well as the others because I wasn't with him every day.
"There's two rooms down that hallway and two more down the other one. Take your pick," he said.
"How about the master?" I asked.
Justin shot me 'the eye' and smirked. "Come on."
He took me inside his bedroom. Contrary to belief, I was rarely ever in his bedroom. I can count at least twice and it was only to quickly grab something for him. The room looked like a studio apartment, it was ridiculous. His bed was in the middle of the room, against the wall. It was huge. I went to sit at the foot chest at the end of his bed. While Justin went rummaging through his drawers.
"Here's a big t-shirt, you can go shower first," Justin offered.
I nodded and grabbed the short before kicking off my shoes and placing my socks in them. I stepped into the bathroom, which was in his room, and closed the door behind me. I looked around. Tiled floor, marble countertops, porcelain jacuzzi tub. Oh but that shower. It was equipped with large shower head. I turned on the water and let it beat agains my fingers. Ugh, the water pressure was perfect. I took off all my clothes and stepped inside. I dove my head under the water and let the drops caress my hair.
Thirty minutes later, I dropped my worn clothes into a plastic bag. I looked at myself in Justin's t-shirt. It barely touched my knees. Had to be a shirt from the past two years because anything before then, the shirt would've been a nightgown. I dried my hair as much as possible, leaving it down after running a Denman brush through it. I opened the door to the bathroom and walked out. Justin looked my way and instantly he began to nibble on his bottom lip.
"Did you want a longer shirt?" he asked. I shook my head no. "Well go ahead and make yourself comfortable while I get clean. The remote is in the land of the mattress somewhere."
I snickered and shooed him off. I climbed the small wooden steps to get onto the bed and fell into absolute heaven. The mattress ate me alive, it was so comfortable. I sank further in, and once I found the remote, I put it on the music channel. Nothing went better with this bed than some Soul/R&B. No sooner than forty-five minutes to the hour, Justin came out of the bathroom in a white undershirt and boxers. His hair was wet and laid flat against his head, but it was still curlier than ever. After dumping his clothes into the hamper, he climbed into his bed and picked up a remote that turned off the lights. There was mild light coming from the television and more music.
"Did you set the mood?" Justin asked, pointing to the tv.
I smiled. "No, your bed did, the music works with this level of comfort."
He chuckled and dropped back into his pillow. The sound of the music caressed my ears and relaxed me. I hadn't felt so at ease in the past couple of days and all it took was this bed.
"Zee, is there a chance we can sleep together and not have anything happen?" Justin asked.
"We have before," I answered.
"Well I want everything to happen tonight," he whispered as he closed in on me. I felt my entire body tense up at the touch of Justin's finger sliding up my thigh. "It’s unavoidable with you being this close."
"It's been almost five months, you're still vulnerable," I murmured as Justin began to place light, damp kisses on my neck.
"Don't...tell me...how...I feel," Justin said between kisses. "I hate when you do that. I can say the same about you with JC since I hear he's dating around." I rolled my eyes. I might have deserved that.
"You know that wasn’t necessary to mention."
Justin placed his lips over mine and gave me a full kiss. I sighed heavily into his mouth. If there was one thing that always held true for me about J, it was how my hormones went through the roof when he gave me an actual kiss. I don't know what it was, but there was always a fresh feeling when our lips met. He pulled away, taking a moment to examine me.
"I saw the way you were staring at me when I came out of the bathroom, and you know I did the same to you. You don't understand what you do to me."
I knew there was a possibility of what could happen when I made the decision to bunk in the master bedroom. In all honesty, I didn't think Justin would have to gall to initiate anything. Yet, his fingertips pressed on, under the t-shirt, and across my lower stomach. The grazing feeling as he edged closer to my breasts gave me goosebumps. He bit them gently through my shirt and positioned himself between my legs. I shifted when I felt his hardness pressed against my underwear. Justin's teeth pulled at my neck as he began to push himself firmly down on me and shift forward and back. A sigh of relief was released from my lips. I grabbed onto the flesh beneath his underwear and forced him closer to me. The muscles in his butt tensed up as I grabbed him. I widened my legs, pushing my pelvis upward to match his motion. He breathed deeply, releasing the hotness from his mouth against my ear. He whispered that he wanted me. Was this what I wanted? Yes. But was it what I needed? Would us having sex get me any closer to achieving a closeness with him that I didn't have? No.
"Wait," I said breathlessly. Instantly, Justin removed himself from me and plunged into his side of the bed.
"I'm sorry," he said. I could hear the guilt in his voice.
"For what? I want you. And that’s the problem."
"What do you mean?" Justin turned on his side, leaning on his hand as he looked at me.
I turned my head to meet his blue eyes. "Justin do you trust me?"
"What kind of question is that, of co--"
"No. Do you trust me. If there were three people on this earth who you would want to know your most intimate secrets, would I be one of them?" I asked.
The silence said everything I needed to know.
"Uhhh, where is this going?"
"I don't want sex from you. I don't want that to be us. I never have wanted that to be us, and it's becoming that way."
"What do you want from me, then?" Justin was confused and worried, but he was willing to baby step with me until he understood.
"I know more about you from what you don't share than what you do. We're deeply emotional and passionate people, Justin, and we never let anyone see it. We hide it from each other, behind smiles and sarcasm. And sex. All I want is be acquainted with the side of you that's so very often hidden."
Justin listened to me intently. And if he and I were anything alike, he was very anxious. But did he understand what I wanted? I hated the feeling of having something missing in all my friendships and not knowing how to fix it. There were times where J and I knew each other so well it shocked me. But there were more times when I had no idea who he was or what he was thinking. To this day, we have yet to truly talk about Britney.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," Justin finally answered.
"I'm willing to."
I snaked my body closer to his, snuggling against his chest. I wanted to feel someone sometimes and not have to say or do anything. The comfort of having someone there who won't let you down. I couldn't be that someone for JC until I learned what it was like to have that someone for me.
"Again, you know that once you go through with this album there's no going back, right?" I asked.
"I know. And everyone is gonna hate me for it."
2002: Explosive
After what happened between Justin and I at his house, I decided to give things a few days to settle. Whether it be hormones or, yeah hormones. I, myself, dwelled on his words: "everyone is going to hate me for it". Personally, I think he's overreacting. It won't be that huge of a deal. How can people hate him for doing something he wants to do? Don't we all do things we want to do? Or at least try? Either way, all I know is, so far the guys have been so supportive of him and his endeavors. It does make me wonder if they have tiny voices in the back of their heads, though.
I grabbed my keys off the counter, I was getting ready to head over to Celeste's. Before I could put my hand on the doorknob, the bell rang. There was only one reigning champion who was capable of such timing.
"JC," I said as I opened the door.
I stood, waiting for an acknowledgment. I haven't seen or spoken to him in like two weeks. Seeing him was not only a shock, but also a tad weird. He brushed past me so quickly, I didn't even get a chance to say hello.
"You used the doorbell," I said, still standing at the front door. I shook my head and closed it.
I found JC in the living room. Pacing. He paced back and forth like an absolute madman. This put me on edge. I was so worried to the point of actually thinking JC was high on something. I don't remember ever seeing him and not being able to peg his mood. The behavior was freaking me out, and honestly I felt very uncomfortable.
"Joshua," I began. I kept my distance ways from him.
"Be honest with me okay, just tell me the truth. Okay?" he said.
I was scared of the shakiness in his voice. He looked fine on the outside, but it's obvious there was a different story taking place on the inside. All the alarms going off in my head were telling me so.
"I'll be honest," I cautiously answered.
"Are you dating Justin?" he asked.
The breath I was inhaling got stuck. Fuck. This was not for real. This could not be what he was asking me. Please let it be a dream.
"What?" I coughed.
"Are you and Justin together?"
"Why are you asking me this? Where did you hear such a thing?"
"Answer the question," he said directly.
"No, we're not dating," I replied slowly. My eye began twitching because of the tone of voice he used when addressing me.
I didn't lie. Justin and I weren't officially dating, nor were we together. We were friends, only with not as much boundaries. And even with those less boundaries, the most we did was make out in his room. No more than JC and I, that's for sure. I had no idea what could happen between Justin and I, but I wanted the option to find out. However, I could not say this to JC. Especially not when I had no clue of where his mind was.
"Where did you hear this?"
"People have been seeing you two together," he replied.
"He and I hang out all the time, you can't be serious," I said.
"I only want the truth." He was so wrapped up in his mind, he blatantly ignored what I said. "Are you intentionally staying out of being in a relationship with me?"
"Dude, wha--"
"Answer the question!" he shouted.
I raised my eyebrows, stepping further back, wanting more distance from him. I did not know who this man was standing in my house. I refused to answer the question. Whether I lied to him or told the truth, the level of danger I felt I was in skyrocketed.
"Lower your voice," I said sternly.
"What's so wrong with me, Zahra? Why don't my relationships work? How come I can't make them work?" he questioned.
It was the desperation in his voice that made my cold nature soften. I moved a little bit closer to him, he was still pacing. I slowly put my hand on his shoulder, sliding my fingers down to grasp his hand. His hands were shaking, I guided him to the couch and made him sit down.
"Calm down. Start from the beginning," I pleaded.
"Emmanuelle and I broke up," he said.
"I'm sorry."
"No you're not. You never wanted us to be together," JC bluntly responded.
"I....," I couldn't even finish my statement.
"I have people telling me they've seen you out with Justin. And Justin's wanting to be solo. And you told me you weren't ready to be in a relationship, but you're with him all the time," he rambled. It sounded like he was spilling everything in his brain out onto the floor.
"Who are these people and why are they telling you my business?" I demanded to know who was running their mouth.
"I don't get why people leave me. Why don't they want me? It's like I've never been good enough. I mean, my mom didn't keep me. How great could I have been?" JC continued.
Those words broke me down. Entirely. Every single thing that recently took place, disappeared in my mind. All I cared about and saw was JC. In all the years I knew him, I have NEVER heard him speak about his mother or him being adopted in this context. Not ever. The emotions rose, floating inside my chest. I pulled him into my embrace, but he snatched himself away. I should have known better, he didn't want to be coddled, and definitely not by me.
"Why didn't my mother want me? Why didn't Nikki or Bobbie or Tara or Emmanuelle want me? Huh? Why don't YOU want me?"
His curly locks fell slanted, across his face. The glisten in his eyes dropped me down to my knees. I placed my hands across his lap, hoping he would let me comfort him. JC was experiencing a complete break right now. This was entirely my fault. I never wanted anything like this to happen.
"I do want you," I calmly answered.
"No you don't. If you did you would be with me," JC spat.
"It's not that easy," I said.
"Why? Why isn't it that easy? Isn't this what you wanted? To finally shove in my face that you were right about me? That I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about you and wanting you?" he asked.
"Because I have to be sure of my feelings for you. I need to be sure because I don't want either of us to get hurt anymore," I answered.
"You're not sure you love me?" he asked monotonously. His tone was grave.
"I'm sure I love you. Absolutely. I only want to be sure I don't love anyone else," I replied.
"That's all I needed to hear."
JC stood up from the couch, and I backed away as far as I could. He didn't even bother to look up at me. He started off toward the front door and before I could call out, the door slammed shut. I didn't have to be a Harvard graduate to understand that this very moment, this exchange, would be the last time JC and I ever spoke to each other again.
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers outdoorsex tour soloj triangles celebritysync jc justin friendswithbenefits
