Was I entirely wrong about JC not ever speaking to me again after he blew up at me? No. I was far too right. I wish it wasn't true. He was beyond upset with me. I seriously hurt him. I bruised more than his ego and pride. JC was not going to be on good terms with me until he was healed. Or until I feel the same way he does. Whichever comes first.
I didn't intend for any of this to happen, but I knew the consequences. I knew things could end badly. Still, I wasn't feeling great. I was worried about JC all the time, laying in bed thinking about him every night. The only way I even knew he was alright was if I saw him on television. I couldn't ask the guys about him because, well, as far as I was concerned, they didn't know JC was at odds with me. Usually they were aware of these sorts of things, but I myself was far too ashamed to mention the situation to anyone. Not even Justin knew. Only because I was positive he would freak out and hit me with the 'I knew this was a bad idea' speech. Neither of which I was mentally prepared to handle.
This would probably be better for both of us. JC and I spending time apart, I mean. This wasn't the first time we weren't speaking to each other. Still, unlike those other times, JC wasn't the one who was truly hurt. He would always come back to me.
I don't know whether I believe he'll come back. Maybe I do. Maybe it's time to stop letting him.
2002: Justified Release Party
Justin's album release party was the talk of the century amongst those who had gotten to know him. Everyone wanted to see his potential and hear what he had worked on all summer. Some were hoping he'd fail because the tenderness of NSYNC not being together was still raw. They didn't want to see it as someone who was curiously trying something new and different. Maybe they knew what I knew.
I, on the other hand, was personally begged, pleaded, and invited to attend the party. Eventually I gave in and promised to show up. But I didn't make any commitments on how long I would stay. The only reason my going was even an issue was because I knew JC was going to be there. And it was a no brainer he knew the same about me. I don't think I'm prepared enough to face him not greeting me happily and forgiving our arguments right before we came close. I wasn't ready for things to be this way. But they were and because I knew it would, I'll take the responsibility that comes along, with my head held high.
"I seriously can't come to terms with you actually not wanting to attend this party. Of all people, I figured you would be the first one to be there to support Justin during this time," Celeste said as she was driving us to the gathering.
"I have my reasons," I responded curtly.
"Any of them start with Joshua and end with Chasez?" she asked. Despite the spot on guess, Celeste didn't know about what happened between JC and I either.
"No, not at all," I calmly answered. "Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm going to the party."
"Yeah, after J practically begged you. " I ignored her comment. "I don't think I've heard you even mention JC in months. Did something happen with you guys?"
"Nope. You know how we get, we need our independence," I lied. Well it WAS the truth, but not in this instance.
"Right, so how have things been with you and J? He told me you guys had been hanging out a lot more often since he's been on a break."
"Yeah we have, it's been real fun actually. I've learned so much more about him. Our conversations have more depth and I love it," I answered, although I still felt our relationship was severely lacking.
"He's going to be ecstatic that you're coming and support him. He's going to need us in the months coming ahead," Cel said.
My face scrunched up. Why was he going to need us? Is it possible that Celeste had been thinking the same thing I had been since Justin had mentioned solo activities?
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"He's doing something on his own and there will be more people against him than for him. He'll need us. Anyway don't spend time worrying about anything, let's have fun," Celeste replied.
The rest of the ride to the party, I was nervous and I kept fidgeting with the keychain on my wristlet. This was either going to go very well or very wrong. I was hoping for my and everyone else's sake...it would go well. No, it WILL go well. I would never forgive myself if I ruined the most important night for Justin.
I got out of the car and tagged behind Celeste like a little puppy. I did get shy around cameras and luckily, we're not important enough for cameras to care about us. Harsh truth, but I was fine with it. We walked up toward the top, where the most important people to Justin were located. My heart was thumping inside my throat, as I encountered Chris, Lance, and then Joey. A hard elbow sank into my side. Flinching at the pain, Celeste grabbed my hand.
"What is it?" I whispered violently.
"Joshua, how are you?" Celeste greeted.
"I'm great, it's been way too long since I've seen you, Cel."
My breathing came to a short halt as I saw JC come into my vision. He was wearing a melon button down shirt with blue and white stripes, jeans, and open-toed shoes. Such a hippie-surfer boy. I couldn't stay here. I did the quickest pivot and started to walk in the opposite direction before he could see me.
"Zahra?"
Caught. Yet surprised. Did he say my name? Was he talking to me now or was it for show? In any case, I couldn't ignore him so I turned back around. I wasn't sure if he was giving me a look of disappointment or excitement or not. I avoided eye contact.
"Hey, JC."
"Cel," he began.
"Got it, I'm out," Celeste said as she patted my lower back gently and walked away. I didn't want to be alone with JC so he could have another go at me. How could she leave me?
"May we go to the balcony?" he asked. I nodded and followed him through the crowd of people.
There was no one outside on the balcony but us. It was eerily quiet considering the huge gathering that was occurring inside. I kept a safe distance away from JC, sitting on an armchair quietly. I had never been scared that JC would hit me or anything like that, but I was scared he would get riled up again if I made it seem as if I was trying to come onto him.
"I wanted to apologize to you for that night. I had way too much on my mind at once," JC said.
"You meant what you said. Don't apologize," I quietly argued.
"Please try not to be too upset with me," he said.
"I'm not upset," I said. I looked down at my hands, hesitating. "I've realized that everyone is slowly being poisoned. And the only thing everyone has in common, is me. I'm toxic. I get what I want and don't care what anyone else wants."
JC turned around, beginning to walk near me. I knew he was going to come next to me. Try to hold my hand. Coddle me. I didn't want him to. I couldn't let him do that anymore.
"Don't touch me. Don't let me pull you in again. Jace, I don't know how you ever called me your best friend. I ruined your relationship with Bobbie and Emmanuelle, and I kept toying with your feelings, and I kept bouncing back between you and Justin, jeopardizing everything you guys worked for to make myself happy. And no amount of apologies could ever fix anything I messed up. But from the bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry. Whether you forgive me or you don't, the best solution is me staying out of your life."
I was fighting back my tears. I was hearing everything I kept pushed and locked away inside of me, from my own lips. And it was true. Everything was true. The smartest decision JC made that night he was a wreck, was walking out and never having to see me again. JC was much better without me. And he knew that he was.
"Stop talking like that," JC said.
"I can't stop telling you the truth."
"I was feeling a lot of things that night, Zee. I should have never been out driving around in the first place. I --"
"It'll be goodbye for now, not forever," I interrupted.
"What are you saying to me right now?" His facial expression turned from stern to worried. I hadn't prepared to do any of this, it was just all coming out after seeing how at ease JC looked before he noticed I was there. He looked happy. I hadn't seen him look that way since we were kids.
"I'm saying let's part amicably. Space. You need to be away from me," I nodded.
"Don't tell me what I need. If you knew what I needed, you would be the person I walked that carpet with tonight. I only need one thing and that's you," he argued.
I smiled, blinking the tears out of my eyes. "Don't fight me, Jace, just let it be."
"What am I supposed to do without you, huh?" I could see that he was beginning to break down. And I could not bare to see it, but I had to stay strong. I had to stick by my word. It was better for him. I know it would be.
"You're supposed to live. Go get married and have children. Be happy. That's what you have to do," I answered.
"Zahra whatever I said that night, I'm sorry." He whispered, "But please don't leave me."
My heart broke.
"I'm not leaving you. You're leaving me and it's better for you. I promise it will be," I assured.
He was at a loss for words. In all the time I knew him, JC had nothing to say to me. He didn't know what to say. I put my arms around his waist, burying my head into his chest. When he was ready to, he placed his arms around me. I kept quiet. He needed to have this moment with me like I needed to have it with him.
"Do you not want to be my girlfriend this badly?" JC asked after awhile.
"I think wanting to be your girlfriend too badly is what got us here in the first place. I don't think you deserve an immature girlfriend. I shouldn't have pushed you when you said I was too young. I have some growing up to do before I end up pulling you into something toxic," I answered, looking up at him.
"I want to enjoy this party with you and everyone else who's important in my life. Let's, let's just go have fun, Zee." His thumb caressed my cheek. "Tonight we won't be apart. I'm gonna take you home and I'll make love to you until we fall asleep. And afterward, I'll say goodbye for now."
For once, I knew I was doing the right thing. And it was only the beginning.
2002: One Down, One To Go
As the party began to come toward its end, JC, Celeste, the guys, and myself spent time saying our goodbyes to one another and setting up time to see each other. But I had something else on my mind. I excused myself to go find Justin and personally congratulate him. I looked around, and went over near a bar where he was speaking to some people. I stood idly by, waiting for him to finish his conversation, but once he saw me, he quickly wrapped up his words.
"Hey," he smiled brightly.
"Hey, can we talk in private?" I asked.
He nodded and took me outside to the balcony. The view was beautiful, and it was slightly chilly. Without missing a beat, Justin picked up on my vibe. His attention was fully on me, but I was still looking out at the view. Bright city lights, people on the move, it put things into perspective.
"Zahra," Justin said lightly.
"Yes?" I said, snapping out of my state.
"You wanted to talk to me. What's going on?" he asked.
"There were a lot of beautiful women here tonight," I said.
"I guess so?" Justin was giving me a 'what the hell are you talking about face?' and I knew him well enough to just get to the point.
"Remember everything I said regarding you and I? How we should take things slow and let things happen naturally?" I asked.
"Yes, what about it?"
"Forget everything," I answered. He opened his mouth to stop me and I paused him. "I owe you an apology. I kept playing with you and JC's feelings because I wanted you both. And if I didn't have you, no one else could. I let things happen between us that I shouldn't have. Instead of being a true friend to you when you were going through rough times with Britney, I took advantage of it all. And I'm sorry for that."
"Where is this coming from?" he asked, still confused, but trying to understand.
"It's coming from me. You're starting a new part of your life and it would be best for you if I wasn't in it."
"Excuse me? What makes you think you know what's best for me?" he asked. I had angered him, but it was only a mask because he wasn't comprehending anything.
"Because I know what's worst for you. I don't need to be around you right now. There needs to be a clean break away from me so you can focus on what's ahead. You have a solo album now," I replied.
"Sounds like you're running away," he said.
"I'm not. If I ran away, I wouldn't have even bothered explaining anything to you. But I'm here because I needed you to know how I was feeling. I don't like being this destructive person. I'm not happy because I see how I'm bringing everyone down with me. It's not fair."
"What am I supposed to say to change your mind?" Justin was pacing across the ground.
"Say that you understand and will let me take time. You won't call me or come by my house. You'll live life like I never existed," I suggested.
"Zee."
"Justin, my mind is made up. Congratulations and I love you. Now hug me."
Justin was hesitant. If he hugged me, he admitted defeat. But if he didn't, he wouldn't be understanding of my decision. I figured he wasn't going to hug me, so I turned away from the balcony to go back inside. My arm was grabbed, I was pulled into a familiar embrace. We both held onto one another for a good minute. When I let go, it was bittersweet. I blew him a sweet kiss.
"Congratulations Justin, you finally made it."
I walked back inside and used my cellphone to call Chris Montez. I was supposed to wait for JC, but I knew it would be harder to let go if I went with him tonight. I decided to go on a trip with Montez, he was the only friend I had who had nothing to do with Justin or JC. I didn't know where we were going, but I needed to be away for awhile so no one would come looking for me. My loved ones needed to understand that I took what I said seriously. They would be better off. I knew they would.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Since school has occupied my time since my last update, I wasn't able to write the way I wanted to. AND since NSYNC decided to do a thing, they sorta kinda TOTALLY thwarted the relevance of the rest of my story. I love them and it was the greatest memory an NSYNC fan like myself could have. BUT DAMN IT. Lol.
So...
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers outdoorsex tour soloj triangles celebritysync jc justin friendswithbenefits
